Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Scanned Thoughts: Savage Wolverine #6

When I get a new comic, my brain is overloaded and twisted thoughts start oozing out of every orifice. This week Savage Wolverine #6 generated plenty of oozing. These are the thoughts that leaked out, along with various other fluids that may or may not require a doctor.

Whereas Shanna was the bonerific co-star of the first arc, Elektra fills that role in this arc. She’s not wearing a bikini or anything that allows readers to admire her boobs, but like Shanna she’s as tough as She-Hulk’s adamantium dildo. She can break into a highly secure facility being guarded by men with boring ass marital problems and access what should be the corpse of Bullseye. Instead, she gets an empty coffin. I know all too well the dangers of a woman who is denied her prize. Anything with a penis in a mile radius usually has to flee to an underground bunker. For Elektra, I imagine that radius is much wider.


As for the question of where the fuck Bullseyes body is and who besides daring necrophiliacs would want to desecrate it, we find out it has to do with the Kingpin. Now the leader of the Hand, he’s learning the hard way that dealing with an army of ninjas isn’t as awesome as it sounds. Like every evil organization, they have overpaid lawyers to ensure their evil is legally binding. The Hand’s lawyer looks about as intimidating as a baby squirrel, but he talks like he has the balls of Chuck Norris. He tells Fisk that the Hand has invoked some secret ritual of arbitration that will force him to prove his worth. I think that’s just legalese for “We’re going to fuck with you and legally get away with it.” The Kingpin reacts the way only most of us react when we deal with lawyers, by maiming two innocent ninjas. Personally, I would rather have a punching bag.


The Kingpin isn’t the only one with anger issues. Wolverine, at his core, is an angry, ill-mannered, brute with poor impulse control. But we love him anyways and Savage Wolverine is one of the few X-books that highlight these lovable and no-lovable-traits. During a mission with the Avengers, he gets more pissed off than usual and the Avengers have to hold him back. Yeah, it’s one of those things they probably deal with every Monday. Yeah, it’s still entertaining and refreshing. I’ll take this Wolverine over the pansy ass Edward Cullen wannabe we see in the movies any day of the week.


Wolverine’s method of dealing with anger involves beer and not removing a piece of his mask that got burned to his face. Somehow I doubt that’s healthy, but I’m not a therapist. If it works for him, why the fuck not?

What doesn’t work here is Spider-Man. He’s supposed to be an arrogant prick now, not some clumpsy dip-shit who can’t handle a sword and is stupid enough to barge into Wolverine’s room and use them. If it’s Peter Parker, he might as well be a brain damaged version. If he’s Doc Ock in Peter Parker’s body, he’s either bored or has a death wish. It’s not made clear and in a comic about Wolverine, it may be understandable to have inconsistent characterization. But this just comes off as stupid and fucking lazy. I’m not against being lazy, but not when it comes to the comics I pay good money for.


Before Wolverine can get his drink on or beat Spider-Man to a pulp, Elektra shows up. And since she has tits, Wolverine pays attention to her. And unlike the Avengers, she doesn’t give a shit that he’s a killer. Like him, she’s a killer too and the only time she asks for his help is when something or someone needs killing. Again, it’s that refreshing aspect of Wolverine’s persona that is lost whenever some writer tries to make him a pretty boy who thinks with his dick around married red-headed women. He doesn’t even flirt with Elektra. That alone makes this a powerful moment.

Yet once again, it’s ruined by Spider-Man. Here’s a guy who once banged a supermodel in Mary Jane on a regular basis, yet he’s still stammering around Elektra like nerdy fanboy trying to ask Scarlett Johannsen on a date. I get that he’s trying to be the funny guy here. He would have done better if he just stuck to fart jokes.


While there are no romantic undertones, Wolverine does some inner narration just like he did in the first arc. It is not only revealing, but engaging because he points out just how similar he and Elektra are. They’re both killers. They have both been manipulated as killers at some point in their past. They’ve also helped each other on numerous occasions. He even calls her a kindred spirit. But there’s no thought about her ass or how nice her tits would feel with his face buried in them. For a guy who keeps locks of hair from women he tried to bone, that says a lot. Some fans may be whining at the lack of pornographic undertones here. I say fuck those fans. Wolverine doesn’t always need to be trying to bone a woman. He can just be that lovable brute out on a mission that involves killing.


The target of his mission is the Kingpin. He’s one guy who Wolverine can be as mean as he wants to and never feel bad about it. And he’s just sitting in a fucking park in plain sight, ripe for killing. That alone should raise several dozen red flags. But Wolverine isn’t known for analyzing a situation. He leaves that shit to Cyclops or other guys who get all the hot women he can’t. But before he can go in for the kill, Lady Bullseye shows up. Thinking she can handle herself, he goes for the Kingpin. But it’s not that simple. When is it ever? Why can’t fat white guys just die easily?


We get an explanation as to why Kingpin was out in plain sight. It’s not a very good one, but we get it. Elektra didn’t bring Wolverine in to kill him. She brought him in to help him. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. Maybe I should start reading more comics while sober, but until that happens I’m confused. He tells them that until Bullseyes stolen body is destroyed, both him and Elektra work for him. If you’re asking me for an explanation, you might as well ask me for the cure for cancer. Because I don’t have it and I can’t for the life of me surmise a circumstance where Wolverine and Elektra would be okay working for the fucking Kingpin. Maybe I just don’t have enough imagination or need more LSD in my diet. Either way, I’m still confused.


If there is a logical or even semi-logical explanation, we don’t get it in this issue. Instead, we get more evil from the evil lawyer. Using the Hand’s patented and probably copyrighted method of exhuming corpses in ways that even necrophiliacs would find unsettling, the Hand brings in three oddly dressed individuals called the Arbiters. They look like cos-players on crystal meth, but if they’re supposed to be the ones that test the Kingpin’s strength I can understand why he wants someone like Wolverine or Elektra helping him. It’s still sad that this act of mystical bullshit makes more sense than the Kingpin recruiting Elektra and Wolverine.


These are my deranged thoughts about this comic and I’m not apologizing for them. Nuff said!

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