Friday, November 15, 2013

Uncanny X-men #15 Preview - Ladies Night At Its Most Awesome

I believe it was Sun Tzu who once said that the mightiest army of men will always fall to the second mightiest army of beautiful women. Or maybe it was my old therapist, who also happened to be a militant feminist who had a necklace of preserved dog testicles. Whoever said it, I agree completely. No matter how strong or powerful men may be, they'll always be at the mercy of their dicks and beautiful women have a way of manipulating dicks like a weapon of mass castration.

For this reason, the women of the X-men have always held a special place in my heart and my penis. They have shown time and again that a penis isn't necessary to be a good X-man with Cyclops being the lone exception. There are so many alpha females in the X-men that I imagine every scrotum shrivels within a ten mile radius of every X-men base. So what would happen if some of these powerful X-women decided to take a break from destroying Sentinels and inducing boners to have a girl's night out? What kind of night could the women of the X-men possibly have? The awesome kind, that's what.

It was already teased as part of the upcoming Inhumanity event that Marvel is launching. As this story finds its way into the pages of Uncanny X-men, it offers a less-than-perfect setting for a girls night out. But I imagine that any night out that doesn't end with a Sentinel attack is a win by X-men standards.

The timing is actually pretty perfect in some respects. Kitty Pryde and the O5 X-men just joined Cyclops's revolutionary team. And as we saw in All New X-men #18, they're getting along about as well as fresh cooked bacon and a hungry bear. The Stepford Cuckoos have made it clear that Jean Grey is about as welcome as Elton John at Rick Santorum's house. On top of that, O5 Jean Grey has done a great job of effectively pushing away the men who want to get into her panties. Since she seems to suck at getting along with men who want to bone her and is in desperate need of female companionship, she needs a girls night out. And the fine folks at Newsarama released an unlettered preview of what that night out could entail.

I want to complain that this preview is unlettered, but this is one instance where it helps to have a dirty imagination that can great a porno out of anything. In this one instance, I don't mind filling in the blanks, even though I know the actual dialog is probably going to be much more kid-friendly.

Even though I can't tell what's going on, I imagine it consists of something along the lines of Eva saying, "Hey Jean! Join us on our girls night out!" and one of the Stepford Cuckoos saying "If you dare come along, I will rub acid on all your tampons and shave your head in your sleep." It even looks like Emma Frost tags along, probably providing the necessary funds for them to enjoy themselves. It must be nice to be both rich and a wanted fugitive. I imagine Edward Snowden is cutting off his own fingers in jealousy.

Beyond my innate tendency to make a dick joke out of every unlettered preview, it looks as though Eva may provide O5 Jean with a much needed female friend. She has had so little and because of that, her perspective is kind of fucked up. I imagine being the only X-woman for such a long time fucked with both her outlook and her hormones. Hell, I'm surprised she's still sane after living in a house where most of the thoughts of every boy, including Charles Xavier, revolved around wanting to bone her. So in a sense, she needs this, if for no other reason than to distance her from the fucked up love triangles that dominate so many of her stories.

I think this may also be part of a larger effort by Brian Michael Bendis to tell a different kind of story for Jean Grey. For so long now, her stories have consisted of loving Cyclops, hating Emma Frost, resisting the urge to bone Wolverine, and managing the Phoenix Force. Between this and the upcoming Trial of Jean Grey, I think he's trying to tell a different kind of story with her and part of that process is having her interact with more characters. He already set the precedent by having her develop a close bond with Kitty Pryde. Now it looks like she'll be establishing more bonds with other members of the New Xavier School while developing a new rival in X-23, who learns faster than O5 Jean that the power of Cyclops's penis can't be ignored forever.

But I'm okay with waiting for that story to develop later on. Let O5 Jean make a few new girlfriends, if for no other reason than to explain to her why gender equality has stalled due to the advent of selfies, reality TV, and the Kardashians. Nuff said!

1 comment:

  1. I wish they wouldn't put those stupid blue stripes on Eva. It's dumb and useless. I hope Bendis is able to progress his own storylines while doing ANOTHER chapter in ANOTHER crossover event. Oh who am I kidding?