Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Extraordinary X-men #10: Nuff Said!

Stuck in an apocalyptic future, facing some evil motherfucker intent on keeping them there, and getting lost at least once along the way. Sound familiar? It should. It's basically the premise of 95 percent of all time travel movies at some point and the X-men do it almost as often as the Terminator. Sometimes, it brings out the best in the X-men, like Days of Future Past. Sometimes, it brings out the worst in the X-men, like pretty much every other story that came after that. It's hard to know where Apocalypse Wars will be on that spectrum, but the odds are not in its favor to say the least.

Extraordinary X-men was the catalyst for Apocalypse Wars. Other X-books are just jumping into this latest effort to make the Marvel timeline even more convoluted, but Extraordinary X-men #10 is several steps ahead and running head-first into the shit storm. They're in the future. They've met Apocalypse's new horsemen. They know they're fucked if they don't get the hell out of yet another dystopian future and unfuck the past. Again, this should all be pretty familiar. I'm just here to get drunk and let you know whether it's awesome, hopefully in that exact order.

A big part of any dystopian future involves the heroes getting their asses kicked and/or turned evil. The X-men have already succeeded in one of those tasks with Colossus having once again gone evil as a horseman of Apocalypse. I'd still argue that his stint with the Phoenix Five was better. At least he got a date with Kitty Pryde out of that shit. Here, he's got an ugly ass costume that Hamberto Ramos' art can't save and the personality depth of someone waiting in line at the post office.

As for the second task of getting their ass kicked, the X-men at least put up a balanced fight. They've got Old Man Wolverine, Storm, O5 Jean Grey, and a fucking Sentinel on their side. It can't be that lopsided. They don't get their asses handed to them, but they do lose that fancy gizmo containing hundreds of mutant embryos, which is kind of a big fucking deal in their time when mutants are being poisoned by clouds of Inhuman farts. So their asses might be intact, but they've still got a sizable boot mark.

As the X-men are getting more shit kicked on them in the future, Magik is trying to make the most of the present. For the past few issues, she's been working with an aspiring new mutant named Sapna. She was among the first to be rescued by this new team of Cyclops-hating, Limbo-based X-men and Magik of all people has taken her under her wing because of her uncanny ability to turn the demons of limbo into domesticated cats, which I guess makes them only slightly less evil. In terms of teachers, she as qualified as Emma Frost in a wet T-shirt contest.

Sapna is one of the few new mutants who is actually pretty likable. She might not have Magik's demon-loving persona and she's no Mean Girls evil blonde, but she's just the right amount of creepy and adorable. That's a fragile balance that isn't usually found outside an old Tim Burton movie. Her ability to make Magik seem less evil and give Hamberto Ramos an excuse to draw more demons makes her relevant for all the right reasons.

It all leads to an unexpectedly sweet moment between Sapna and Magik. Sapna basically becomes Magik's new padawan, having demonstrated an aptitude for magic and demon-taming. She's basically the only one who can be both a student and Magik's BFF. Considering Magik's recent history of being just one bad joke about her tits from unleashing a torrent of unholy hellfire on this world, this is exactly what she needs. What are the X-men, after all, if not those who help young aspiring mutants? Sure, they're still being poisoned and sterilized by Inhuman farts, but they're still helping those in need. That's way more than a race of xenophobic, slave-owning, elitist asshats who shall go nameless can say.

Back in the future, things aren't quite as warm and cuddly. That's not saying much, given that the warm and cuddly moment in this comic came from two young woman who love to play with demons, but that's the state of the X-men these days. Storm goes full emo here, lamenting how the X-men are fucked once again. They tried to survive their second bout of sterilization and they failed miserably. She's basically does what Cyclops never did and throws her arms up in frustration. I can't say I blame her, but I also can't help but point out the hypocrisy. She bitches about Cyclops, but fails miserably to wield the kind of poise and leadership that helped unite the human race and secure a place in Emma Frost's panties.

This time, it takes a full blown halftime speech from Iceman to get Storm's ass in gear. Yes, she needed a pep talk from fucking Iceman to get motivated again. That's not to knock Iceman's speech. It's pretty damn good here. I'm sure it could rally a typical high school football team from a two-touchdown deficit in a game. It just kind of feels hollow because he's giving it in a dystopian future and he's not saying anything that dozens of X-men haven't said before him. Captain America can probably talk in his sleep and give a better speech, but it still does the job. That's really the best the X-men can hope for these days.

With Storm having had the emo kicked out of her, the X-men make their way across Omega World to find Colossus. Along the way, Glob Herman decides to take another chance to get a place in O5 Jean Grey's panties. He probably figures if O5 Beast can have a shot despite being a total douche-bag, then his odds are pretty damn good.

That said, it's a plot that has been overplayed and overdone so often now that I'm sure O5 Jean has an adamantium lock on her panties now. It's like someone with OCD who always needs to have hand sanitize in their pocket. O5 Jean always has to have someone trying to bone her. Glob Herman is just the latest and while he's not nearly as big a douche as O5 Beast, this shit is so old and overplayed that it has no dramatic weight. Glob Herman is a D-lister on his best day. Jean Grey is now tied to Sophie Turner, aka Sansa fucking Stark. It's not a balanced relationship is all I'm saying.

Unfortunately for the OCD crowd, Glob Herman never gets to profess his undying love because they end up getting attacked by Moloids in Galactus' corpse. If that's not a clear enough sign that the universe doesn't want Glob Herman's glowing globby dick anywhere near O5 Jean, then what is?

Naturally, the mole monsters go for the pretty teenage girl. Unfortunately for them, the pretty teenage girl is O5 Jean Grey. Showing she's not in the mood for this shit in a dystopian future, she unleashes a little Phoenix-light ass-kicking. She doesn't faint. She doesn't need anyone to save her, be it Glob Herman or Old Man Logan. Feminists and Sophie Turner fans should fucking love this moment. It acts as a nice reminder that O5 Jean deserves to be with the X-men's heavy hitters. Sure, it makes Glob Herman want to bone her even more, but I can't say I blame him.

That means that this week, Jean Grey fights Moloids in a dystopian future and battles Apocalypse in the early 80s. All points considered, it's a damn good week to be Jean Grey.

In the past, it's not all teaching new students, sharing hugs, and playing with demons. Forge, who has been tracking the X-men in the future, once again gets his balls busted when he loses contact with Cerebra. On top of that, Magik gives him an anti-pep talk about him and Storm, basically telling him that his chances of seeing her naked again are basically the same as my chances of scoring a date with Jennifer Lawrence. There's another Wolverine walking around. Sure, that Wolverine is old, gritty, and jaded as fuck, but he'll still make Storm hornier than Forge ever will.

It's kind of a sad and you can't help but feel sorry for Forge, but he still gets to have his own giant robot. How many people outside old Japanese cartoons can say that? The problem is that losing contact with his prized robot means the X-men in the future are even more screwed than before. That means Magik has to get her demon-loving ass in gear and help them, which puts X-Haven at risk. I say if it's a choice between death by demons and death by clouds of Inhuman farts, I'd go with demons.

In the future, Glob Herman is keeping it in his pants for now. The rest of the X-men finally arrive at Apocalypse's domain. They don't know Magik is on her way or that Forge has completely lost track of them, but I think they're used to being this screwed by now. That's just how the X-men roll these days.

Colossus also knows they've arrived and, being a proud horseman, he's more than eager to screw the X-men over even more. Because why the fuck not? They're already in a dytopian future. It's like taking a piss on a pile of radioactive waste. It can't possibly do anything to make it less fucked, right?

Well surprisingly, Colossus goes the extra distance here. Instead of just kicking the X-men's asses and making Storm in need of another pep talk, he throws Venom at them and gets it to infect Old Man Logan. So now, he doesn't even have to kick their ass. He just has to let Venom take over Old Man Logan, a man who already slaughtered his friends once before, and enjoy the show. That, my friends, is called working smart and not hard. it awesome?

Well, it's not a filler issue. There's that. Iceman gives an inspirational speech while Storm goes emo. There's that too. O5 Jean Grey kicks ass in a way that Sophie Turner would do well to study. That's always a bonus. Glob Herman wants to bone her. That's not exactly breaking new ground these days. Magik is showing her soft side and her crass side. That's par for the course with an extra birdie or two. Old Man Logan gets a face full of Venom symbiote. Not gonna lie. That is kind of boner-inducing.

So all in all, this issue was all over the place. Some parts fell flat, like Storm going all emo. Others actually move the story forward, but only by so much. There is some awesome shit here that's worth the effort. It's not going to melt anyone's brain matter, but it's not going to put anyone to sleep either. Like half a line of blow, it's not the full high you want, but it's better than nothing. Extraordinary X-men #10 continues the tradition of the post-Secret Wars X-men being too screwed to be more than great, but being screwed hasn't stopped them from being awesome. Hell, if an issue can make Iceman, O5 Jean, and Glob fucking Herman awesome, there's at least some hope. It's best to cling to it before another cloud of Inhuman farts crush it.

Final Score: 7 out of 10


  1. gracias, estuvo genial la critica. en lo personal estoy enamorado de este libro

  2. Glob is funny him and Anole are awesome

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