Thursday, May 19, 2016

Old Man Logan #6: Nuff Said!

With the possible exception of Keith Richards, getting old tends to degrade a man in every possible way. He can't drink, smoke, fight, or fuck as well as he used to. For years, Wolverine was the reigning champ of all those things. Now, Old Man Logan isn't as interested in defending his title. Again, with the exception of Keith Richards, it's almost impossible to defend.

This hasn't stopped Jeff Lemire and Andrea Sorrentino from showing that Old Man Logan still has some fight in him. His arrival in the mainline Marvel universe has been confusing, brutal, and a little embarrassing since he showed up bare ass naked and not one woman tried to jump his bone. This is a version of Wolverine who follows a very different path and holds himself to a different standard. Old Man Logan #6 takes him farther down this path and if he can keep his clothes on, he might just make it through, although not without a fuckton of blood stains.


At the moment, he's trust trying to protect his future alternate-universe baby momma. If that sounds fucked up, then you clearly haven't been following Wolverine comics for very long. Sure, Maureen in the mainline Marvel universe is just a kid. And sure, she's not the same woman Old Man Logan marries in his universe. Even so, this isn't even the fifth most fucked up thing that happens in a Wolverine comic on a regular basis. There are clones of clones running around for fucks sake. So let's not overthink the situation here.

It's really just a case of Old Man Logan looking to protect someone he knows is worth protecting. He encountered her in the last issue. He's set up shop to make it seem like he's just a grizzled old drifter in need of whiskey money. He's managed to get young Maureen to trust him enough to find her missing dog, Burger. At a time when young girls wouldn't trust most adults with their unwashed underwear, that says a lot.


Old Man Logan, being far more honorable than half the old men in shitty anime, goes about keeping his promise. He explores this northern Canadian redneck town. Jeff Lemire provides more insight into Old Man Logan, as he's done since this series began. He continues to do omega level work fleshing him out, exploring how Old Man Logan sees himself in this rugged landscape. He's not the same Logan who loved to bust Cyclops' balls and hit on married women. He's a jaded old man, trying to save what little good there is in this world. It's the kind of shit that gives Clint Eastwood an erection.

Sadly, finding Maureen's dog dead and butchered kills any boner. It ensures he'll have to deal with a very sad and whiny girl later on. The fact this girl is his future wife in another timeline is sure not going to help, but he actually has more pressing concerns because he quickly finds out who killed the dog. And they happened to have a fucking helicopter. Since only the Palin family has been known to shoot animals from helicopters, it's safe to assume there's some horrifying shit on the lose.


It doesn't take long for that horrifying shit to make itself known. As we saw at the end of the previous issue, the Reavers are in town and they're looking to flex their cyborg boners with a little target practice. Since they're clearly dry-humping Skynet on the side, they start shooting at the innocent civilians of this isolated town that probably gets fewer killer robot attacks than most. Old Man Logan has a big fucking problem with this and tries to fight back. The problem is these are enhanced cyborgs. He's a jaded old man who is several decades past his prime. Whereas the younger Logan probably could've torn apart the Reavers and done it with a goddamn boner, Old Man Logan is bound to struggle and probably can't expect much of a boner.


So when he comes across Bonebreaker, it's not a fair fight. It still doesn't stop Old Man Logan from being wonderfully badass while Andrea Sorrentino's art makes everything so wonderfully appealing visually. That visual appeal still involves Old Man Logan getting run over while we have to imagine the sound of bones breaking. Those with a weak stomach or a bad hangover will probably need to look away, but it's still worth the dry heaves.

It's worth it because despite being a jaded old fuck, Old Man Logan is still pretty fucking badass. He can take out one lone Reaver. Sure, he gets his legs partially run over. And sure, he gets shot point blank by a mini-canon. But it still ends with him driving metal claws right through Bonebreaker's neck. I'm sure getting run over by a psychotic cyborg sucks, but if it ends with driving metal claws through a psychotic cyborg's head...worth it!


This naturally wakes this sleepy town up in the worst possible way. Old Man Logan meets up with the sheriff, who is probably used to handling no worse than a bar fight after a hockey game. Thankfully, he treats Old Man Logan better than most cops have ever treated mutants or old men. He actually listens to Old Man Logan when he warns them that there are killer cyborgs on the loose. Rather than assuming he's on PCP and shooting him, the sheriff listens. In a world where Tony Stark invents something destined to blow up in his face every other day, the threat of killer cyborgs is perfectly appropriate. If only I could use that as a way to get out of the last three bullshit parking tickets I've had.


Old Man Logan quickly learns what everyone who saw the original Robocop already knows. Cyborgs are pretty fucking efficient when it comes to causing mayhem. The Reavers tear through this small town full of innocent people, probably laughing their asses off and dancing to 80s funk rock in the process. Those that are alive are probably wishing they tried their luck in Mexico instead. At least Mexico has fucking beaches and better weed.

This doesn't stop Old Man Logan from trying to protect them. With help from the Sheriff, Old Man Logan leads the rest of the town to a quarry. Because a wide open area full of heavy stones and mining equipment qualifies as safe in these parts. Go figure. However, some people are still missing and that includes Maureen. Never one to leave a pretty girl behind, even if she isn't his future wife in an alternate timeline, Old Man Logan prepares to get his ass run over again.


This time, however, Old Man Logan arrives in time before anyone can get maimed. It's a good thing too because the story comes dangerously close to getting too dark and depressing, even by Old Man Logan standards. So seeing him stab a Reaver and save a school of innocent children in the process isn't just satisfying. It's an outright relief. Sure, these kids are probably scarred for life, but they live in an era internet porn is on every phone and Donald Trump is running for President. They should be used to being scarred for life at this point. If not, they will be with or without crossing paths with killer cyborgs.


Scarred or not, it makes for a nice and dramatic moment between Old Man Logan and young Maureen. And no, not in the creepy way that happens in over 90 percent of anime porn in Japan. This girl who barely knows Old Man Logan is already hugging him while the other kids are busy pissing themselves. It's further proof that she's capable of being Wolverine's wife in the future, even if it's not in this timeline. It also convinces Old Man Logan that she can lead the rest of these kids to safety after they're done pissing themselves. It's wonderfully fitting, full of that special brand of drama that Lemire and Sorrentino have established in this series. It also allows Old Man Logan to focus more on stabbing killer Cyborgs in the head and that's good for everyone in this case.


It all seems like such a good plan on paper. Let Maureen lead the kids to safety while Old Man Logan gives the Reavers the kind of treatment second only to Comcast's customer support service in terms of horror. Naturally, shit goes wrong fast. That happens with Wolverine in every timeline. This time, one of the Reavers manages to grab Maureen and hold her at gunpoint, which effectively diverts Old Man Logan's focus once more. It's another powerful moment that brings out the right kinds of drama in Old Man Logan, albeit in a way that's more forced. Even so, it'll just make the moment Old Man Logan stabs his cybernetic ass all the more satisfying.


So...is it awesome?

Well it doesn't have the same dramatic gut punch that previous issues have had, but that's like looking at Jenna Jameson's tits and saying they're not as big as Pamela Anderson's. Both are still innately awesome and both grant the same boners. Old Man Logan #6 isn't about mulling on the past of a shitty timeline. It's about protecting the present from assholes doing everything possible to shit on this timeline. It's been Old Man Logan's primary goal since he arrived and it couldn't be more pressing.

There are still plenty of bloody, brutal moments that bring out the best in Old Man Logan. Sure, he takes a few blasts to the torso and gets run over, but that's a typical Monday for Wolverine in most every timeline. He still finds ways to be badass, pissed off, and determined in all the right ways. It doesn't matter that he's old as fuck and woefully ill-equipped to take on the Reavers. That just brings out the best in him even more.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

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