Wednesday, May 4, 2016

X-men 92 #3: Nuff Said!

Life is unfair as fuck. Some things never get the respect they earn while other things get way more than they deserve. And I'm not just talking about Bernie Sanders either. It feels like it doesn't matter how awesome X-men 92 is in terms the quality, refinement, and scope of its story. It's just never going to succeed in a market where everyone is lining up to suck the Inhumans' xenophobic, slave-owning dicks. And that's an injustice on par with the cancellation of Firefly, but that's the world we live in I'm afraid. We can only hope to cope with weed and whiskey.

This gives guys like me all the more reason to enjoy X-men 92 while it lasts and make no mistake, it won't. Marvel will look for an excuse to cancel this series early. It's a series that neither glorifies the Inhumans nor hypnotizes readers into buying Avengers merchandise. It's not going to last if Disney's lawyers have anything to say about it. And that's bullshit because this series has brought a new Inner Circle into the mix, complete with an evil communist vampire monster. X-men 92 #3 promises to add more icing on top of a multi-layered cake and without sterilization plots. So please, enjoy it with me because Marvel will cancel something this awesome because it will please their Disney overlords. Extra weed and whiskey isn't necessary, but it certainly couldn't hurt.

Disney overlords aren't the only one watching the events of X-men 92 closely. It has actually caught the attention of the multiverse. Ignoring how one too many of those universe are probably dystopian futures ruled by Inhumans, killer robots, and Ted Cruz, the vampires of this universe see what's going on in X-men 92 with Alpha Red. While I'm sure they're as shocked as everyone that nobody is sucking any Inhuman dick, they're also curious as to what's going on with this latest mutant vs. vampires conflict. I don't know if vampires have anything on par with weed and whiskey, but I'm sure they're ready to watch like a horny meth head watching Game of Thrones.

And like Game of Thrones, stopping an evil incursion of monsters requires an alliance with someone only slightly less evil than King Joffrey. Storm, now the leader of the X-men, has to get help from fucking Dracula of all people to save Jubilee. If this sounds familiar, then don't worry. You're not as high as you think you are. Like the mainline comics, Storm does have a history with Dracula. And yes, that history involves Dracula wanting to marry and bone her. Honestly, who can blame him? He's fucking Dracula. He's in a better position than most to get a goddess for a wife.

That history is still somewhat glossed over in that it was never touched on in the old cartoon. And since the cartoon had numerous variations on X-men stories, mostly to make them more suitable for a Saturday morning cartoon, it leaves a number of blanks. On top of that, this is a fairly similar approach to what the X-men did in the Curse of the Mutants arc. That arc was not exactly obscure. The iPhone existed during that arc so we're in painfully familiar territory here. What could X-men 92 possibly do to make it interesting?

Well clench your asshole fanboys, Chad Bowers and Chris Sims know what tickles your fancy. As expected, Dracula tries to get Storm to marry him again in exchange for his help. Storm's response should make feminists, liberals, and even some republicans squee. Storm basically says, "Do I look like Bella fucking Swan to you?!?!?" and unleashes her weather goddess powers. I'm pretty sure that killed Dracula's boner in an instant and gave me one in half the time. If anyone had any doubts whatsoever whether Storm was qualified to be leader of the X-men, kick those doubts in the balls and spit on their graves.

Storm kicks a lot of ass and she's used to it. Unfortunately, all those new students the X-men took in at the beginning of X-men 92 aren't quite as used to it. They're not quite at that level where they see a killer robot and think, "Ah fuck, it's going to be one of those days again." They're just students trying to live their lives without the threat of killer robots. Is that so much to ask?

Well, now they need to add vampires to their list of shit they want to avoid. Because after waking up from her coma in the previous issue, Jubilee has been busy, hungry, and probably pretty horny. A bunch of young students are running for their lives while others were too slow and got bit. Now they're vampires too. It's like a zombie invasion, minus the smell of rotting flesh. It's not an army of killer robots or an attack by the Brotherhood. But again, it's still a familiar conflict. It's still as fun as before, but not much beyond that.

Before this becomes a slasher movie where all the pretty girls with loose morals get slaughtered, Beast and Xavier step in and try to contain the situation. The institute is equipped to battle Sentinels, not vampires. But that doesn't stop them from contributing, using the institute's defenses to save the students they can. It's probably the most competent Beast has been in over a decade and he's not bitching about Cyclops. That alone should make X-men 92 worth the price.

They should be equipped to deal with this to some degree. Xavier even gets help from Chamber, who has more incentive than most to stop this. He was so close to copping a feel from Jubilee. He can't do that if she's undead. He just doesn't have that kind of fetish. Unfortunately, Xavier gets knocked out once again by some telepathic attack. And this comes after he got taken out by Cassandra Nova in the first arc. Starting to think Xavier is getting rusty in his old age.

That or the situation just got infinitely more fucked when Alpha Red shows up. Well in this case, I guess we'll say it's a little of both. Because yeah, Alpha Red does show up. And he's been even busier than Jubilee. That clash between him, the X-men, and Omega Red's Russian didn't go well. Now they're all fucking vampires, including Wolverine. Now add a thirst for blood on top of his insatiable desire for whiskey, violence, and married women.

Even Curse of the Mutants didn't leave them this fucked. In that story, only Jubilee and Wolverine got turned into vampires. This finally gives this arc an extra level of ball-busting impact that it needed. It's still painfully familiar, but it's hard not to clench your asshole just a little bit harder when seeing a team of vampire X-men show up.

Naturally, the students at the institute don't stand a fucking chance. Alpha Red, having both X-men and their enemies on his side, break into the school with the same ease as I break into my liquor cabinet. They make their way to Cerebro, casually brushing off any of the Institute's defenses along the way. It's a lopsided battle, but it probably should be. The X-men are tough enough, but vampire X-men? Fuck, even Apocalypse would slightly shit himself at such a notion.

As things get increasingly fucked at the Xavier Institute, the remaining non-vampire X-men learn something from Dracula that adds an extra level of complicated fucks. It turns out that Alpha Red isn't just a secret Soviet super-weapon. He's Dracula's son. Specifically, he's an anti-Jon Snow type son who thought having an immortal father sucked so he tried to make himself more powerful with the help of Russian scientists. All that did was turn him into a monster and make him smell like cheap vodka. But it still made him pretty damn menacing. He managed to turn most of the X-men into vampires. You gotta give him props for that. It also adds a few extra layers to Alpha Red and in the post-Twilight era of vampires, that's always a bonus.

Now knowing he has a chance to give his asshole son a spanking, Dracula agrees to follow the X-men back to the Xavier Institute. They arrive just in time to see that it's now basically a level of Resident Evil. The X-men are vampires. Most of the students are vampires. The whole institute is just one Sookie Stackhouse away from being one big vampire orgy. Alpha Red certainly has a boner going. He's got daddy issues, but now he's got vampire X-men to help him. Beats the shit out of family therapy I guess.

Storm tries to end this shit before Capcom sues their ass. She once again shows off her badass goddess skills by breaking the creepy cloud cover and hitting these vampires with a nice dose of sunlight. Unfortunately, that doesn't work. It doesn't even make them sparkle. Apparently, Alpha Red used some sort of convoluted magic shit to remove that pesky weakness from vampires. Is it a little convenient and contrived? Yes. But does it set up a much bloodier battle between the X-men and vampire X-men? Fuck yes. it awesome?

Well if you thought the shitty finale to True Blood had destroyed all possibility of vampire stories, then kick your own ass, bang your head against the wall, and rejoice! X-men 92 #3 just proved you wrong. This isn't True Blood. This isn't Twilight. This isn't some watered down Ann Rice shit. This is mutants vs. vampires and it's as awesome as it sounds. There's no bullshit love story here. And nobody fucking sparkles. It's mutants fighting vampires. Like fighting giant robots, it's just one of those simple plots that just fucking works.

That's not to say it's a perfect plot. If you read Curse of the Mutants several years ago, you'll see plenty of parallels. You might even see one too many. Jubilee being a vampire? X-men turning into vampires? It's been done and done well. X-men 92 #3 doesn't improve upon it, but it doesn't make it worse either. It still kicks plenty of ass and busts plenty of balls. And again, nobody fucking sparkles.

Final Score: 7 out of 10


  1. love x men, love x men 92. Dios espero no la cancelen

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