Announcement: No More Scanned Thoughts

For the past several months, I've been contemplating the future of this blog. I've been working on it for the past five years now, providing weekly reviews and offering my own colorful insight into comics. And I've enjoyed it. It's been a fun ride, adding a humorous twist to reviewing comic books. But at the same time, I feel as though the quality of my work has stagnated. It shows in the declining traffic coming to this blog. Now some of that might be my fault in that I'm just not providing enough quality material. But it's gotten to the point where it feels like I'm putting a lot of work into these reviews and getting nothing out of them. So as of now, I will no longer be doing reviews in the mold of Scanned Thoughts.

I know this is disappointing to some. For that, I apologize. However, I get the sense now that most people read my reviews just for the scans and not the content. It makes for a lot of work and not a lot of reward. So for now, it makes sense to end these reviews until I can figure out a better way of using this blog.

I will continue to submit reviews to PopMatters.com and I'll be posting those reviews here. I'll also be providing extended previews of upcoming issues to X-men Supreme, at least for now. But until I figure out a better use of this blog, I will not be posting anymore Scanned Thoughts. To those who have supported this blog, I sincerely appreciate it. If anybody has any suggestions on how to best use this blog, I'd be happy to listen. But now, I think it's best that I stop for now and re-evaluate the best way to provide quality content to readers.

Jack

X-men #5 PREVIEW - More Details and a Kick-Ass Jet

If I haven't made it clear yet how hard my dick was after reading parts 1 and 2 of X-men Battle of the Atom, then I guess I'll never convince anyone and go back to drilling for oil with my foreskin. It's not unusual for Marvel to start an event really strong. I'm still sober enough to remember how awesome Fear Itself and Avengers vs. X-men were when they first began. They eventually fell so hard that Satan himself felt it in his anus. I sincerely hope that X-men Battle of the Atom does the same. Marvel doesn't need to take another shit on Jack Kirby's grave. But from here on out, the story will unfold weekly in various X-books and I have every intention of getting drunk and reviewing every one of them.

The next issue on the docket is X-men #5 by Brian Wood. This issue will have the present and future X-men chasing after O5 Cyclops and O5 Jean Grey in hopes that they won't fuck up the future too much by running away. I seem to remember a simpler time when teenagers running off just made people worry about them fucking in ways that make the Catholic Church angry, but the whole fucking timeline is at stake here. On top of that, All New X-men #16 revealed that the mysterious Xorna is actually Jean fucking Grey. This made both my brain and my penis very happy when I read it. Granted, there's always a possibility that it could be a ruse. I hate to keep showing this, but I think it gets the point across.

I shouldn't still be pissed off about it, and yet...

At the very least, there are multiple Jean Greys to work with in this event. And that's a statement I never thought I would say two years ago. Hell, back then it would have been more likely to hear me say, "No beer please, I don't drink anymore." But that shows just how quickly things can change in the X-books. Xorna's revelation posed some interesting questions and possibilities that promise to be explored in future issues. Thankfully, Newsarama released a preview earlier today and it offered a few details that should help maintain a healthy boner until next week.

So in addition to revealing out that Beast has way too much free fucking time on his hands and not nearly enough internet porn, this preview effectively explains why Jean was dressed as Xorn to begin with. It seemed like a pretty fucked up choice of attire, given that the Xorn was the asshole that killed her before getting overly retconned. She needs this suit in order to keep her powers in check. It's not an unreasonable concern. Jean does have a rather lengthy history of going a bit power mad and devouring planets when she has a bad case of cosmic PMS. O5 Jean said in the previous issue that her powers were growing and anyone who has tried to grow a beard knows that at some point, growing it any bigger just isn't going to work.

This still doesn't mean that this Xorna/Jean Grey figure is actually legitimate. If she was really this concerned about her powers, why not reveal that to O5 Jean Grey? She knows as well as anyone that her powers are destined to get fucked up. This might actually be a serious enough detail to get through to an overly emotional teenage girl. But she doesn't do that and she gives the impression that she has something to hide. And as someone who has made way too many mistakes with transvestite hookers, I can attest how bad it can get if certain details are not shared.

Battle of the Atom has just started and promises to escalate quickly. Like a vagina, it's awesome in its beauty yet mysterious in its function. There are so many ways this event could go. It could either induce multiple orgasms or multiple migraines. It's too early to tell, but I've got my booze and my blog handy for whatever outcome it may be. Nuff said!

All New X-men #5 Follow-Up By Newsarama And Preview Page

I normally don't follow up reviews because I either don't have the time or don't have the necessary access to hard liquor. But for a series like All New X-men, I'll gladly make an exception and do the chicken dance in a mud pit at a cock fight because the book has been that awesome. I recently gave All New X-men #5 a 4 out of 5 in my review. A substantial part of that high score came from Brian Michael Bendis and Stuart Immonen doing what should have been done nearly 10 fucking year ago. And for once, I'm not talking about Jean Grey.

When I (and most X-men fans I would argue) think of Hank McCoy, an image like this comes to mind:

That's the Beast that's been around since disco was still in vogue and cocaine was cheaper and more readily available in a Miami nightclub. When you look at that, you see a real man-Beast. A half-man, half-ape creature with an intellect that's akin to the bastard offspring of Stephen Hawking and Carl Sagan. That's the Beast I know and love. He's a lovable yet feral character who offers a striking balance between the civilized man and the primal beast, but unlike Wolverine isn't an asshole about it.

But for the past decade or so, this is the Beast most people have been getting:

That, my friends, is not a beast. That is a bad Thundercats cos-player that lost a bar bet. Most know him as Cat-Beast. I've often called him pussy-Beast, not just because he looks like something a cat would shit on. But mostly because he's been a insufferable douche-bag since he took that form. All he's done is constantly whine about Cyclops's mistakes. It's all "Cyclops is meanie! Cyclops keeps secrets! Cyclops gets to bang a hot blonde while I'm stuck with a hot yet moody half-woman/half-alien with green hair!" And through all this whining and bitching, has he ever offered a single alternative? Has he ever actually attempted to do something about the shit he complains about? Fuck no! Why? Because he's a pussy! Both literally and figuratively.

For this reason, I was extremely happy to see Brian Bendis and Stuart Immonen ditch that stupid cat-look for a look that makes him more like a fucking Beast ought to look.

It's not perfect. That hair style looks like something I Donald Trump would try to trademark, but it's a billion times better than being an overgrown pussy. And Brian Bendis has not hid his love for ape-Beast as opposed to pussy Beast. Granted, he's a bit more polite about it than I am, but that's probably because someone waters down his booze. In a recent interview about All New X-men #5, editor Nick Lowe talked about how he drank the wrong kind of booze altogether and favored Cat-Beast. But he eventually came around. That or Bendis's bald head hypnotized him into going along with it. Probably a combination of the two.

Newsarama: Spoiler Sport - Behind All New X-men's Big Character Change

Newsarama: Nick! You're well-established as one of the — if not the — biggest Cat Beast fans out there, and it looks like that version of Hank McCoy is no more as of this week's All-New X-Men #5. What motivated the change? And were you personally resistant to it?

Nick Lowe: Albert! Great to be back on Newsarama. I’m a big Beast fan, period. I do love the Cat Beast look, as not only do I think that he looks more like a “beast” in that look rather than the classic Gil Kane/George Perez/etc... rendition but I pretty much love every line Frank Quitely has put on paper, so...

Anyway, we would often get in big disagreements (by we, I mean me and most of the room) at editorial retreats about Cat Beast vs. Ape Beast. Also, the old design doesn’t look like an ape! Anyway, my resistance was against reverting to the older version because I thought that the more beastly looking works better for the actual character. But since this is a new, still beastly design and not just a furry guy with big hair, I was all in! But my passion on the subject does open me up to lots of ridicule. But that’s OK, I’m the youngest of three in my family so I’m used to that.

...

Newsarama: Of course, Beast's change appears to be more than just a makeover. How important is the new look going to be to Beast's character going forward? (He certainly seemed happy about it.) And given history, do you see a visual shift every 10, 12 years or so as a fundamental part of the character at this point?

Lowe: Beast’s happiness had more to do, I think, with the not-dying, but he does seem delighted by the change. I think that has more to do with his scientific curiosity, but that may just be Cat-Beast-Fan-Me rationalizing.

No clue if it’ll be an ongoing cycle for the character, but I do love that thought. The scientist who experiments on himself never learning not to do that.

In addition, we even got a brief preview of a future issue of All New X-men that shows Beast enjoying his new look.

I can go on and on about how awesome All New X-men is, but we all know the Original Five aren't going to stay in the present forever. Hell, Marvel may decide to kill Jean Grey again once they feel they feel like pissing off a certain fanbase again. Fuck, everything they do could be completely undone down the line with a simple mind wipe or another time travel gimmick. But if Hank McCoy's new look stays, the series will still have succeeded on some levels. And for that, I deem All New X-men awesome on an entirely new level. Nuff said!

SDCC 2011 Update: Uncanny X-men and Wolverine and the X-men to go Day and Date Digital Release

Hey everybody! You know I wouldn't take time away from writing X-men Supreme, reviewing comics, and getting drunk unless I had some big fucking news to share with you all. As some of you may no, namely the ones that live under a fucking rock, the San Diego Comic Con is taking place this week. This is where fanboys get to be kings and girls can dress up in spandex and not be mistaken for a stripper. Every major comic company comes here to announce to the world why they've got the most awesome shit that you should buy. Every year there's been one particular announcement they've never made. It has nothing to do with X-men, reboots, rip-off characters, fanfiction, or selling your marriage to the fucking devil. It has to do with the basic act of actually getting these comics in the first place. Well that announcement has finally come!

Newsarama: Uncanny X-men and Wolverine and the X-men to go Day-and-Date Digital

That's not a misprint and I'm not stoned (for the most part). Marvel has jumped onto the bandwagon that DC has strapped a fucking rocket on and decided to make some of it's top titles day-and-date digital release. I'll repeat that just because it feels so damn good. Marvel is making Uncanny X-men and Wolverine and the X-men Day and Date digital release. Fuck, I need to change my pants again! But I don't care! This is the best news to come since a two-for-one deal at a Tijuana whore house. At last, my limited proximity to a comic shop shall never get in the way of me enjoying quality comic awesome! Praise Odin, Galactus, and hell even Mephisto! I'll praise any higher power I can because that's how excited I am about this news! It's a great day to be a comic fan and an X-men fan. Between this and DC's relaunch, computers are going to be even more important and not just because of porn content. If more details come in, I'll be sure to blog about them when I'm sober enough. Until then, feel free to run out in the streets and celebrate! I'll be waiting here, passed out drunk but ready to absorb this new generation of awesome!