X-men #5 PREVIEW - More Details and a Kick-Ass Jet

If I haven't made it clear yet how hard my dick was after reading parts 1 and 2 of X-men Battle of the Atom, then I guess I'll never convince anyone and go back to drilling for oil with my foreskin. It's not unusual for Marvel to start an event really strong. I'm still sober enough to remember how awesome Fear Itself and Avengers vs. X-men were when they first began. They eventually fell so hard that Satan himself felt it in his anus. I sincerely hope that X-men Battle of the Atom does the same. Marvel doesn't need to take another shit on Jack Kirby's grave. But from here on out, the story will unfold weekly in various X-books and I have every intention of getting drunk and reviewing every one of them.

The next issue on the docket is X-men #5 by Brian Wood. This issue will have the present and future X-men chasing after O5 Cyclops and O5 Jean Grey in hopes that they won't fuck up the future too much by running away. I seem to remember a simpler time when teenagers running off just made people worry about them fucking in ways that make the Catholic Church angry, but the whole fucking timeline is at stake here. On top of that, All New X-men #16 revealed that the mysterious Xorna is actually Jean fucking Grey. This made both my brain and my penis very happy when I read it. Granted, there's always a possibility that it could be a ruse. I hate to keep showing this, but I think it gets the point across.

I shouldn't still be pissed off about it, and yet...

At the very least, there are multiple Jean Greys to work with in this event. And that's a statement I never thought I would say two years ago. Hell, back then it would have been more likely to hear me say, "No beer please, I don't drink anymore." But that shows just how quickly things can change in the X-books. Xorna's revelation posed some interesting questions and possibilities that promise to be explored in future issues. Thankfully, Newsarama released a preview earlier today and it offered a few details that should help maintain a healthy boner until next week.

So in addition to revealing out that Beast has way too much free fucking time on his hands and not nearly enough internet porn, this preview effectively explains why Jean was dressed as Xorn to begin with. It seemed like a pretty fucked up choice of attire, given that the Xorn was the asshole that killed her before getting overly retconned. She needs this suit in order to keep her powers in check. It's not an unreasonable concern. Jean does have a rather lengthy history of going a bit power mad and devouring planets when she has a bad case of cosmic PMS. O5 Jean said in the previous issue that her powers were growing and anyone who has tried to grow a beard knows that at some point, growing it any bigger just isn't going to work.

This still doesn't mean that this Xorna/Jean Grey figure is actually legitimate. If she was really this concerned about her powers, why not reveal that to O5 Jean Grey? She knows as well as anyone that her powers are destined to get fucked up. This might actually be a serious enough detail to get through to an overly emotional teenage girl. But she doesn't do that and she gives the impression that she has something to hide. And as someone who has made way too many mistakes with transvestite hookers, I can attest how bad it can get if certain details are not shared.

Battle of the Atom has just started and promises to escalate quickly. Like a vagina, it's awesome in its beauty yet mysterious in its function. There are so many ways this event could go. It could either induce multiple orgasms or multiple migraines. It's too early to tell, but I've got my booze and my blog handy for whatever outcome it may be. Nuff said!