Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #12


Letting a drunk review comics is like letting a bitter ex-lover conduct open heart surgery. It's a potentially volatile combination that could lead to someone with their anus connected to their tongue. At the same time, it can also create the kind of insight that can't be found anywhere else. The internet already has an abundance of porn, cats, and idiots trying to make money by getting hit in the balls. Why not let drunks offer their own unique insight into the world of comics? The following is a drunk's perspective on Uncanny X-men #12. It may not be insightful, logical, or sane. But it breaks down the story in a way that only a drunk can so unless some readers have an adamantium pole up their ass, read on.

Someone else who I’m convinced has more than an adamantium pole up her ass is Maria Hill. Ever since Uncanny X-men began, she has demonstrated time and again that she has a raging pussy boner for wanting to throw Cyclops back in jail. She’s like a bitter ex-girlfriend that he never even got to see naked, which is by far among the worst kinds. It’s only logical that she would pick up on the X-men’s time-warping activities at some point, giving her yet another reason to try and screw the X-men over. And this time her angry pussy boner isn’t just for Cyclops. She makes it clear that she would love to throw Beast in a cell right next to his for fucking with the space time continuum yet again. Given what Wolverine did in Age of Ultron, I’m sure she’s intent on barring any X-men from doing any sort of time travel under penalty of having to shave Hulk’s pubes. She still has to catch them first and to date, Cyclops has managed to avoid her like the NFL is avoiding Tim Tebow.


And like Tim Tebow showing up at a gay pride parade, it’s pretty damn awkward when O5 Cyclops and Jean Grey meet up with Cyclops and his revolution team in the ruins of Utopia. But they need help and nobody seems to have much sympathy for a couple of time-displaced teenagers so they turn to the guy who everyone already hates for killing Xavier. For all they know, he would just help them to fuck with Wolverine and Beast. Considering how upset the O5 was with Cyclops early on when they found out he killed Charles Xavier, it’s actually a bit strange that this encounter wasn’t even more awkward. But at the very least, it allows O5 Jean to inform everybody of just how fucked their situation is, with a little help from the Stepford Cuckoos. But I guess if anyone is going to deliver bad news, it might as well be three cute teenagers in sexy school girls outfits.

But as much as I appreciate teenage girls in sexy school girls outfits, this meeting felt like it lacked impact. Way back in All New X-men #3, the O5 X-men were pretty pissed off when they first met Cyclops and remained fairly pissed off when he came back to recruit O5 Angel. Yet they seem to have gotten over their earlier anger about him killing Xavier and starting a mutant revolution. Granted, O5 Cyclops and Jean Grey want his help and most people are willing to forget how much they hate someone if they can help. I get that teenagers are irrational with their emotions, but they never miss an opportunity to be pissed off and this felt like one of those opportunities.


After learning about the future X-men, Cyclops and his team are remarkably calm. I’m guessing that being on the run from SHIELD and Maria Hill while encountering time displaced versions of the X-men has hardened them to shocking revelations in the same way years of cocaine abuse has hardened Charlie Sheen. But the reaction from Magik is a bit more unusual, then again for her the concept of what is unusual and what is fucked up isn’t always mutually exclusive. After she sees the guy claiming to be Xavier’s grandson, she confirms who it is and fucking disappears. I get that she’s a fucked up teenage girl with a demon fetish, but this was pushing it. Granted, she did get a glimpse of the future in Battle of the Atom #1. But for her to just fucking disappear like this isn’t just curiously fucked up. It’s a WTF moment and not in a good way. While it’ll probably be explained in a later issue, it still makes this issue feel much choppier than previous issues.


While Cyclops and his revolutionary team are debated on whether or not to help O5 Cyclops and Jean, a much bigger debate unfolds with the present and future X-men. This debate is every bit as intense as any battle with a Sentinel or attack by Sinister, albeit nowhere near as spectacular. It’s another big moment for Kitty and Rachel Grey, who basically did a 180 in the previous issue when they opted to help O5 Cyclops and Jean before they were cornered. They basically go out of their way to yell at their fellow X-men the same way most people yell at a dog that keeps shitting on the carpet. It’s pretty powerful shit. Nothing explodes and Wolverine doesn’t get blasted for once, but it sends an important message.

Kitty Pryde’s argument is pure illogical emotion that lies somewhere between disappointed and pissed off. She and Rachel point out that the X-men have always been about fighting for the freedom of mutants to determine their own fate. Yet they’re denying that to the O5. Granted, their fate has the potential to fuck up the entire space time continuum, but don’t the Avengers and Fantastic Four undermine the space time continuum every other Thursday? The rest of the X-men try to be cool and logical, but for some reason they still won’t say just what the O5 did that fucked up the future so much. And even a drunk will know that’s a red flag. That’s like a creepy old guy trying to sell kids yellow snowcones without offering some sort of assurance that it isn’t his own piss. It’s a lot of talk and not much action, but it gets to the very heart of what it means to be X-men and for the X-men’s 50th anniversary, it couldn’t be more appropriate without Stan Lee giving his seal of approval to every panel.


The debate isn’t quite as intense with Cyclops and his revolutionary team. In fact, it’s pretty damn tame by comparison. But there aren’t any more moments between Cyclops, O5 Jean, and his younger counterpart. There’s just some awkward silence before he finally decides that he’s going to help the O5. It’s still a missed opportunity, but it still triggers a reaction. Both Emma Frost and Magneto point out that he’s throwing logic out the window the same way Emma probably deleted every naked picture of her she ever sent him. He’s running on emotion rather than strategy, which is something Cyclops doesn’t normally do. And maybe it’s because of that he comes off as more sympathetic, but I’m sure Cyclops haters will still call him a douche for making an exception when a version of Jean Grey is involved.


And Cyclops doesn’t exactly win the support of his team. O5 Angel, who never wanted to stay in the future to begin with, basically uses this revelation about the future X-men he was right and everyone who outvoted him was full of shit. He’s not wrong either. He’s the one that kept saying they shouldn’t even be in the future. Yet even after they find out that they end up fucking up the future, they still want to stay? It can’t be a good sign with the rich white guy makes the most sense. The problem is that this is probably the most O5 Angel has said since he joined Cyclops’s team. Some fans who smoke a lot of weed might have even forgotten that he was there. I’m glad he spoke up, but it only served to make this issue even choppier.


It could have become a much more heated debate, but they don’t get a chance to keep berating each other. In the midst of this debate, everybody seemed to forget that Emma Frost was a vindictive bitch who never wastes an opportunity to screw Jean Grey over, no matter what time period she’s from. So despite Cyclops’s decision to help the O5, she sent out a message to the future X-men and they picked up on it. And the moment Xorna/Jean shows up, she uses her more advanced psychic tricks to freeze everybody where they stand and attack her younger self.

This is actually a pretty telling moment in addition to it being the only bit of action in the issue. Xorna basically belittles her younger self while pwning her with her much more advanced psychic powers. She basically apologizes for effectively mind-raping her, which is a bit like someone apologizing to themselves for jerking off when they’re not in the mood. She also hints that O5 Jean was responsible for the future being so fucked up. Now why would that be? What did Jean Grey fuck up? Did it involve hooking up with Beast or trying to avoid her death at the hands of the Phoenix Force? It’s unclear, but she clearly done fucked something up.


This could have been the end of the conflict, but once again even Xorna forgot that Emma Frost is a vindictive bitch. The only thing she loves more than screwing over a younger Jean Grey is screwing over an older Jean Grey. And after she, or most likely the Cuckoos, figure out that Xorna is an older Jean Grey, she changes her mind about helping them. Now she’s looking to give her a psychic beating that will humiliate Jean in a way that will probably soak her panties. As a fan and a man with a functioning penis, all I can say is fuck yes! Even though this issue was choppy in that Illyana just ran off and SHIELD made no fucking contribution to the story, this ending alone and the promise of another Emma vs. Jean smackdown makes this issue plenty awesome.


This was one of those comics where my heart loved it while my penis hated it. It’s like having an orgasm while throwing up. One directly conflicts with the other. But having had my share of awkward hangovers, I don’t mind. It’s almost the halfway point in X-men Battle of the Atom and so far it doesn’t suck. That’s the most you can ask of any major comic book event these days and I couldn’t be more satisfied, even if my penis isn’t. I suppose it’ll just have to wait a week to see the epic Jean Grey/Emma Frost rematch. It’ll be hard finding ways to keep my penis occupied in the meantime, but like every sex tape involving Pamela Anderson, it’s usually worth it. It’s still inconsistent and choppy at times, but not in a way that can’t be reconciled in future issues. While my penis may give this comic a perfect 10, overall I give Uncanny X-men #12 an 7 out of 10. For the next week, the boys had better get clean underwear and the girls had better get dry panties because it looks like the ultimate catfight is taking shape! Two beautiful women who hate each other are about to have a psychic beatdown. It couldn’t be more awesome if they did it naked while covered in bacon grease. Nuff said!

24 comments:

  1. That last picture made me want to break my computer screen out of anger that I have to wait a week to see Emma kick ass or get her ass kicked. I hope Emma just rapes the Older Jean and Xavier Jr. as well. Xorna sick started to wail on 05 Jean, like Emma did to 05 Jean, she should do to this one

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    1. Totally forgot about Xavier Jr. He is definitely going to stop them from ripping each other into mental shreds. I swear we should have a quick betting contest to determine on who the victor shall be (if there will be one. though)

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    2. I love Emma, I'm rooting for her. But it's not like Jean is a lightweight, so I feel she'll win. I just hope it doesn't end in 2 pages with Xavier stepping in and saying "Dont fight blah blah" and they both go "Ok" and I'm left with a hard-on for nothing

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    3. Lol Same here. Don't start this up and not be willing to go at least halfway. Doesn't need to be a full-scale cat-fight but gives us some claws and scratches.

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    4. So, Emma does TWO things wrong, yet older teen Jean does only one, and you'd prefer that EMMA kick Jean's ass? Wow.

      And, as for liking Emma, I've never understood how someone can like a two-dimensional character? So, for all those who would tell me that I disliked Emma simply because she was vicious, I would have to tell you I really LOVE Mystique. In fact, if not for Jean, SHE would probably be my favourite character. So, there goes that theory... no...?

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  2. This is the first issue of the event that fell kind of flat for me. While Jean vs Emma is always entertaining it feels a bit forced to me here. Emma may be a bitch, but she's not an idiot and I think her wanting to take on Jean just for some white hot revenge isn't likely to end well for her.

    It makes me wonder if something else may be going on. The future X-Men have been pretty suspicious since they showed up and Xorna's actions towards her (supposedly) younger counterpart are pretty extreme. It makes me wonder if Emma picked up on the same thing that teen Jean picked up on to make her run.

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    1. Doubt it. This seems to be exactly in character for Emma. And Emma is rooting for them to go back HOME, remember.

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  3. It was suspicious that both Storm and Magneto kept saying "you're grieving the loss of Xavier" it makes me wonder if there isn't some mind control going on from one of the future telepaths. Illyana, I have to wonder if she was the catalyst for all of this. In BOTA #1 she goes to the future to see if it's worth fighting for, she doesn't go to see if keeping the O5 here was a good idea. We only got a glimpse of her being there, so maybe she had some interaction with these future Xmen more than just observing them. She probably left because she knew they were coming, but I think it's completely in character for her to just do her own thing. I do have to wonder though. Illyana has the power to just send the O5 back. She went to a past Dr. Strange and she's gone into the future. She could just do it, so why doesn't she? I liked the Cuckoos quip about her mind. They were kinda awesome together when they took out the police. The Emma vs. Jean thing is cool, but the dialog is horrid. In one panel Deadpool of all people talk about being in a comic book, and then Bendis has Emma break the 4th wall. It's dumb. I've read other comments as to why Emma is helping young Jean. In Morrison's Xmen Emma out right called Jean a bully during the "Phoenix interrogation" and while her powers are "broken" they're still there, the skill is still there and she has her daughters for help. Xorn/Jean's comment about "this is your fault" I think goes back to Jean pretty much wanting to stay the first time they were to send them back home. If they don't go back home, wouldn't the PRESENT be the timeline that's fucking up and not the "future?"

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    1. don't you want to change if you are in her position?
      her family is kill just because of Grey bloodlines
      she married to a guy who in the end doesn't love her, making her a fool for staying with him so long
      remember. she went to hell to spend her honeymoon to raise a child with him.
      she could have marry for money, instead she marry for love which makes her a fool in the end.
      change the past please, i'm sure darling emma will love to replace her. just went back and look for auntie emma.
      fuck the future, Jean and her family don't have one. don't tell me you won't change that if you are in her shose

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    2. You don't want to be told about something like that? Well tough. I sure as hell wouldn't change a goddamned thing. Now what? Can't fap? Can't dictate anymore?

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  4. A few thoughts....

    I don't consider it out of character for Revolutionary Cyclops to want to help the two runaways. First, he doesn't really think clearly when Jean is involved, and second, he has shown a tendency to allow people to make their own choices, even when those making the choices shouldn't be (Like telling Idie 'Do what you feel you have to.').

    I think there is certainly something fishy about the future X-Men, and after seeing Xorna play 'Omega-Level Bully' I'm hoping Emma kicks her teeth in. I'm not sure how much of Emma's 'always hated you' line is Bendis-speak and how much is goading her opponent though.

    Rothstein-Smash

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    1. The question I'm asking myself is what is fueling him to help them? I think it has to do more of Xavier than Jean Grey. With that being said, It doesn't matter whether he wants them to go back or not, it isn't gonna end well for him.

      Lol Im not putting my money on Emma. She is tough, but Im fearing the "unknown factor" with this unstable Xorn.

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    2. Even though Emma plays Omega Level Bully NUMEROUS times over the years? Hmmm.... Emma HAS always hated Jean. So, yeah, sounds like Emma-speak to me.

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  5. I enjoyed the issue cept the opening scene. Only way that scene made sense is that SHIELD are fully aware of whats going on now (maybe thats the point).

    Very interesting to see Xorn play the role as "bully". Its like as if she is punishing Jean more than trying to subdue her. Do not think at all that Emma is gonna win, Xorn way too unstable (geez her outfit looks like she is hiding something fierce). Finally glad someone pointing out how shady the future xmen are being. And its only getting worst

    Had no problems with Cyclops position. Its admirable but it doesn't change anything. Its a no-win situation. Overall solid issue. All the Xmen on Utopia + intense conflict + Emma vs Xorn = things should explode in a major way next issue





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  6. emma vs jean will be great and all the x-men vs each other will be good too cant wait for Part 5. yeah magik knows something and I think we will find out. Bendis said on tumblr that STUART IMMOMMEN draws the issue that will explore the dark future which would be All New X-Men #17 which is part 6.

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  7. Wow...I did not expect this many comments on this review so quickly. I am honestly at a loss guys and not just because I'm not sober. lol I wish I could respond to every comment, but I think it's best to just say thanks and I think the prevaling sentiment here is correct. Xorna/Jean is sort of a bully here along with the rest of the future X-men and Cyclops's guilt is a major driving force. I think a guy who fucked up as badly as he has would be all too eager to jump at a chance to change the past for the better, even if it means fucking up the timeline. Oblivion beats the hell out of jail under the thumb of Maria Hill.

    Jack

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  8. I was prepared to walk away from this franchise, forever.

    I was done. I really was. I put with Schism, and AvX, and Hope "Not-Jean" Summers, and X-23 being shipped off to an Avengers title, and killing Nightcrawler. I was done. Over it. Nearly 30 years of fandom ended.

    And then I read these reviews (out of habit because they make me laugh), and I succumb to "just one more time" and give BotA a chance.

    And I'll be damned if this isn't everything all those other horrible crossovers have lacked the last several years. Two sides with good arguments; no clear villain (yet), and all the action and character drama I could ask for and yet people still act in character, over all.

    By God, if Bendis doesn't screw this up, he might have won me back.

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    1. IceColdEmmaFrost (ICEF)September 19, 2013 at 10:46 PM

      I'm in your boat. I stopped awhile ago, and I've been giving Uncanny X-men a chance, it's decent, and I tried Uncanny Xforce, but dropped it after 3 issues. The others I get my "fix" here and if they look good i'll get an issue of something. BOTA is different, I'm not sure there is going to be a "villain" or "big bad" which would be interesting and different. I'm hoping it doesn't get to "Bendis" and end up being too long/too much like House of M.

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    2. Y'see, there's a difference between Crisis Crossovers (House of M, AvX) and Bat-Family Crossovers (Schism, Battle of the Atom), and as a whoile BFCs tend to be a lot better because they tend to be tighter, more character focused and not forced to drag out over half a year or more.

      Really, how much better would AvX have been if they'd chucked all the ridiculous padding and just done it in a month or so of crossovers in the few relevant corebooks. But no, it had to be "an event" so that meant it needed a 12 issue mini-series, numerous tie-ins, and massive derailment for everyone else's work.

      BotA is a natural extension of the stuff that's been building to AvX. It's less grand in scope, but the stakes are higher, if that makes any sense. Plus, with a well-reasoned premise, we don't feel like half the cast is carrying the Idiot Ball just to make things come together just so.

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    3. I'm glad you've been brought back from the brink my friend. But take it from someone who has grown numb to crushing disappointment, amongst other things. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. And most of the time, it's something in between. I agree that big events have been pretty shitty with Marvel in recent years. But it has gotten better with events like Age of Ultron. And I hope it continues with Battle of the Atom.

      Jack

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  9. No it feels like there's only a few characters doing anything. Illyana for one, but then we have a crap ton of characters just standing around. We have THREE versions of Iceman & Beast! Seriously? WHY!? Unless there's going to be some moment where O5 Bobby & Hank see their far future version of themselves do something and then rally to leave back to the past I don't see the point. We have two version s of Angel. Our version isn't even featured anymore and the O5 version keeps getting cut off by Jean right when he's making sense like it's some really bad running gag. I think this "cross over" could've been done in All New Xmen & Uncanny Xmen without Wolverine's team since he doesn't even have any of the O5 on his team. There's enough "Filler" as it is. Seriously just have Magik send them back, she can do it without Beast's device.

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    1. This is the problem with a huge cast of characters.

      Honestly, half these people should be written out on the premise of "someone has to run the school" and the cast paired down to something manageable.

      Let's face it, the only groups that matter are:

      The Original Five
      The Important Faculty of JGI: Wolverine, Rachel, Kitty, and Beast
      The Rogue X-Men: Cyclops & Co.
      The Future X-Men

      No one else needs to be in this. Rogue and Psylocke and everyone else just needs to keep goin' on about their business.

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  10. Loved your review.
    I found this issue to be a good bridge issue, which I'm thinking Part 5 will be similar. Just an issue to bring the main players together.
    I did not think it was too much out of character for Scott to support them for a few reasons: 1. Jean. 2. Sticking it to the wolverine man 3. He made a logical decision upon not knowing all the facts (about the future) to support the O5!
    if only everyone else online had the fresh feeling that you have in your review.
    Keep up the good work

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    1. Thanks! I'm glad my drunken rants are so entertaining to so many. Battle of the Atom hasn't been perfect thus far, but I can't say that the characters have been OOC. Every decision and argument made has been pretty rational, even to a drunk. And in a comic where shit tends not to make sense, that says a lot.

      Jack

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