Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #12

Letting a drunk review comics is like letting a bitter ex-lover conduct open heart surgery. It's a potentially volatile combination that could lead to someone with their anus connected to their tongue. At the same time, it can also create the kind of insight that can't be found anywhere else. The internet already has an abundance of porn, cats, and idiots trying to make money by getting hit in the balls. Why not let drunks offer their own unique insight into the world of comics? The following is a drunk's perspective on Uncanny X-men #12. It may not be insightful, logical, or sane. But it breaks down the story in a way that only a drunk can so unless some readers have an adamantium pole up their ass, read on.

Someone else who I’m convinced has more than an adamantium pole up her ass is Maria Hill. Ever since Uncanny X-men began, she has demonstrated time and again that she has a raging pussy boner for wanting to throw Cyclops back in jail. She’s like a bitter ex-girlfriend that he never even got to see naked, which is by far among the worst kinds. It’s only logical that she would pick up on the X-men’s time-warping activities at some point, giving her yet another reason to try and screw the X-men over. And this time her angry pussy boner isn’t just for Cyclops. She makes it clear that she would love to throw Beast in a cell right next to his for fucking with the space time continuum yet again. Given what Wolverine did in Age of Ultron, I’m sure she’s intent on barring any X-men from doing any sort of time travel under penalty of having to shave Hulk’s pubes. She still has to catch them first and to date, Cyclops has managed to avoid her like the NFL is avoiding Tim Tebow.

And like Tim Tebow showing up at a gay pride parade, it’s pretty damn awkward when O5 Cyclops and Jean Grey meet up with Cyclops and his revolution team in the ruins of Utopia. But they need help and nobody seems to have much sympathy for a couple of time-displaced teenagers so they turn to the guy who everyone already hates for killing Xavier. For all they know, he would just help them to fuck with Wolverine and Beast. Considering how upset the O5 was with Cyclops early on when they found out he killed Charles Xavier, it’s actually a bit strange that this encounter wasn’t even more awkward. But at the very least, it allows O5 Jean to inform everybody of just how fucked their situation is, with a little help from the Stepford Cuckoos. But I guess if anyone is going to deliver bad news, it might as well be three cute teenagers in sexy school girls outfits.

But as much as I appreciate teenage girls in sexy school girls outfits, this meeting felt like it lacked impact. Way back in All New X-men #3, the O5 X-men were pretty pissed off when they first met Cyclops and remained fairly pissed off when he came back to recruit O5 Angel. Yet they seem to have gotten over their earlier anger about him killing Xavier and starting a mutant revolution. Granted, O5 Cyclops and Jean Grey want his help and most people are willing to forget how much they hate someone if they can help. I get that teenagers are irrational with their emotions, but they never miss an opportunity to be pissed off and this felt like one of those opportunities.

After learning about the future X-men, Cyclops and his team are remarkably calm. I’m guessing that being on the run from SHIELD and Maria Hill while encountering time displaced versions of the X-men has hardened them to shocking revelations in the same way years of cocaine abuse has hardened Charlie Sheen. But the reaction from Magik is a bit more unusual, then again for her the concept of what is unusual and what is fucked up isn’t always mutually exclusive. After she sees the guy claiming to be Xavier’s grandson, she confirms who it is and fucking disappears. I get that she’s a fucked up teenage girl with a demon fetish, but this was pushing it. Granted, she did get a glimpse of the future in Battle of the Atom #1. But for her to just fucking disappear like this isn’t just curiously fucked up. It’s a WTF moment and not in a good way. While it’ll probably be explained in a later issue, it still makes this issue feel much choppier than previous issues.

While Cyclops and his revolutionary team are debated on whether or not to help O5 Cyclops and Jean, a much bigger debate unfolds with the present and future X-men. This debate is every bit as intense as any battle with a Sentinel or attack by Sinister, albeit nowhere near as spectacular. It’s another big moment for Kitty and Rachel Grey, who basically did a 180 in the previous issue when they opted to help O5 Cyclops and Jean before they were cornered. They basically go out of their way to yell at their fellow X-men the same way most people yell at a dog that keeps shitting on the carpet. It’s pretty powerful shit. Nothing explodes and Wolverine doesn’t get blasted for once, but it sends an important message.

Kitty Pryde’s argument is pure illogical emotion that lies somewhere between disappointed and pissed off. She and Rachel point out that the X-men have always been about fighting for the freedom of mutants to determine their own fate. Yet they’re denying that to the O5. Granted, their fate has the potential to fuck up the entire space time continuum, but don’t the Avengers and Fantastic Four undermine the space time continuum every other Thursday? The rest of the X-men try to be cool and logical, but for some reason they still won’t say just what the O5 did that fucked up the future so much. And even a drunk will know that’s a red flag. That’s like a creepy old guy trying to sell kids yellow snowcones without offering some sort of assurance that it isn’t his own piss. It’s a lot of talk and not much action, but it gets to the very heart of what it means to be X-men and for the X-men’s 50^th anniversary, it couldn’t be more appropriate without Stan Lee giving his seal of approval to every panel.

The debate isn’t quite as intense with Cyclops and his revolutionary team. In fact, it’s pretty damn tame by comparison. But there aren’t any more moments between Cyclops, O5 Jean, and his younger counterpart. There’s just some awkward silence before he finally decides that he’s going to help the O5. It’s still a missed opportunity, but it still triggers a reaction. Both Emma Frost and Magneto point out that he’s throwing logic out the window the same way Emma probably deleted every naked picture of her she ever sent him. He’s running on emotion rather than strategy, which is something Cyclops doesn’t normally do. And maybe it’s because of that he comes off as more sympathetic, but I’m sure Cyclops haters will still call him a douche for making an exception when a version of Jean Grey is involved.

And Cyclops doesn’t exactly win the support of his team. O5 Angel, who never wanted to stay in the future to begin with, basically uses this revelation about the future X-men he was right and everyone who outvoted him was full of shit. He’s not wrong either. He’s the one that kept saying they shouldn’t even be in the future. Yet even after they find out that they end up fucking up the future, they still want to stay? It can’t be a good sign with the rich white guy makes the most sense. The problem is that this is probably the most O5 Angel has said since he joined Cyclops’s team. Some fans who smoke a lot of weed might have even forgotten that he was there. I’m glad he spoke up, but it only served to make this issue even choppier.

It could have become a much more heated debate, but they don’t get a chance to keep berating each other. In the midst of this debate, everybody seemed to forget that Emma Frost was a vindictive bitch who never wastes an opportunity to screw Jean Grey over, no matter what time period she’s from. So despite Cyclops’s decision to help the O5, she sent out a message to the future X-men and they picked up on it. And the moment Xorna/Jean shows up, she uses her more advanced psychic tricks to freeze everybody where they stand and attack her younger self.

This is actually a pretty telling moment in addition to it being the only bit of action in the issue. Xorna basically belittles her younger self while pwning her with her much more advanced psychic powers. She basically apologizes for effectively mind-raping her, which is a bit like someone apologizing to themselves for jerking off when they’re not in the mood. She also hints that O5 Jean was responsible for the future being so fucked up. Now why would that be? What did Jean Grey fuck up? Did it involve hooking up with Beast or trying to avoid her death at the hands of the Phoenix Force? It’s unclear, but she clearly done fucked something up.

This could have been the end of the conflict, but once again even Xorna forgot that Emma Frost is a vindictive bitch. The only thing she loves more than screwing over a younger Jean Grey is screwing over an older Jean Grey. And after she, or most likely the Cuckoos, figure out that Xorna is an older Jean Grey, she changes her mind about helping them. Now she’s looking to give her a psychic beating that will humiliate Jean in a way that will probably soak her panties. As a fan and a man with a functioning penis, all I can say is fuck yes! Even though this issue was choppy in that Illyana just ran off and SHIELD made no fucking contribution to the story, this ending alone and the promise of another Emma vs. Jean smackdown makes this issue plenty awesome.

This was one of those comics where my heart loved it while my penis hated it. It’s like having an orgasm while throwing up. One directly conflicts with the other. But having had my share of awkward hangovers, I don’t mind. It’s almost the halfway point in X-men Battle of the Atom and so far it doesn’t suck. That’s the most you can ask of any major comic book event these days and I couldn’t be more satisfied, even if my penis isn’t. I suppose it’ll just have to wait a week to see the epic Jean Grey/Emma Frost rematch. It’ll be hard finding ways to keep my penis occupied in the meantime, but like every sex tape involving Pamela Anderson, it’s usually worth it. It’s still inconsistent and choppy at times, but not in a way that can’t be reconciled in future issues. While my penis may give this comic a perfect 10, overall I give Uncanny X-men #12 an 7 out of 10. For the next week, the boys had better get clean underwear and the girls had better get dry panties because it looks like the ultimate catfight is taking shape! Two beautiful women who hate each other are about to have a psychic beatdown. It couldn’t be more awesome if they did it naked while covered in bacon grease. Nuff said!