Uncanny X-men #6 - Multiple Levels of Awesome

The first day of school is like a recurring national tragedy for most teenagers. It's basically the beginning of a nine month prison sentence where you'll be harassed, judged, molded, and controlled by teachers, peers, and government sponsored administrators who want to make sure you fit the mold of a future taxpayer/soldier. I always remembered feeling like a deer locked in Ted Nugant's basement on the night before the first day of school. I knew that I was destined for slaughter, but at least with the dear it was over in the span of time it took Nugant to load his gun. For students, that slaughter lasted nine fucking months.

I imagine the first mission for an X-man is a lot like the first day of school. You're woefully unprepared. You're inexperienced and overwhelmed. And you'll probably be judged in a way that will make you want to crawl into a ball, tuck your dick between your legs, and cry like a girl who just watched her uncle burn her My Little Pony correction. I would argue that missions with the X-men are still not as bad as gym class, algebra, and chemistry. But sometimes the missions have a way of being so fucked up that some students would be begging for a calculus exam.

That's the sentiment I think the students of the new Xavier Institute feel. After the events of Uncanny X-men #5, the school is finally coming together. So far Brian Michael Bendis has done an excellent job setting the stage for this school while capturing all the necessary drama from O5 Angel's defection to the student's learning why the Danger Room is dangerous. But before these students can even get their first lesson, Magik shows some strange symptoms that are extreme even for a teenage girl.

Now I've been fairly ambivalent about Magik since she became a demon-loving sociopath during Matt Fraction's run. But there is no denying that she is one of Cyclops's heavy hitters. She's a teenage girl with the power of Hell at her fingertips. You couldn't get a much more potent weapon without giving Dr. Doom unlimited amounts of weapons grade plutonium and crystal meth. She was one of the only ones whose powers didn't seem to be affected by the Phoenix Force. But in Uncanny X-men #5, we found out that wasn't exactly the case. And Dormammu, who happens to have a demon vacation home in Limbo, didn't much appreciate it. So Magik unwittingly transported the team and the new students to Limbo to battle demons. I'll finally say it. I think that is worse than my high school gym class. However, my gym teacher still looks striking similar to Dormammu.

But Uncanny X-men #6 doesn’t go straight to the bowels of Hell/Limbo from the onset. That would be too much for a world that still gives Pat Robertson his own TV show. One of the ongoing stories that has been unfolding since this series began is new mutants manifesting all over the world with new powers. The past few issues haven’t explored that, but Bendis shows in the first few pages of this issue that he has no intention of ditching that aspect of the story. This time it isn’t some whiney teenager though. It’s some 30-year-old guy named David whose girlfriend broke up with him via text message and is now moving out. For men of all ages, this is a low-point that only hard liquor and a box of tissues can solve. But rather than cry like a baby as his now ex-girlfriend drives off, David finds out he has a power that allows him to control her car and bring her back. She’s obviously pissed and confused, but it’s yet another new mutant who is going to be vulnerable after an ex-girlfriend busts his balls. In other words, he’s perfect future X-men material!

We then go from one hell to another. Now in Limbo, the team and the inexperienced teenage mutants who managed to get their asses kicked by the Danger Room in the previous issue are staring down Dormammu and a demon-possessed Magik. Compare that to the Original Five’s first mission, which involved only a giant robot and a guy with a bucket for a helmet. I think it’s fair to say they’re behind the curve. And Dormammu makes it clear that he’s not going to go easy on them just because their kids. In fact, he’s going to basically use them to fuck with Magik because that’s just the kind of guy he is. In this sense, giant robots don’t seem so bad.

However, this scene also highlighted and issue I usually don’t discuss on this blog and that’s the artwork. I love pretty pictures as much as the next drunk and most of the time I don’t expect the quality of Jim Lee or Mark Bagley with every issue. That would be like wanting every hooker to look like Pamela Anderson. But unlike hookers, I’m willing to look past mediocre art. But when it’s downright crappy, I do take notice. And this is one instance where the absence of Chris Belacho is really felt. The background of Limbo and the depiction of Dorammu here is atrocious and it spans the whole length of the book. It’s not horrible, but it’s difficult to look past even with the aid of my best weed. The inks are smeared, the colors are weak, and Dromammu looks more like a lion’s nutsack than a fiery demon. It doesn’t take away from the story, but it is painfully apparent.

As you might expect, the new mutants are busy shitting themselves, Magik is in full demon mode. She’s a teenager too, but she’s one of those teenagers that has firepower to go along with those irrational instincts. And that leads to some petty insults followed by some standard attacks. It’s not much in the sense that its wordy when it should be a big orgy of hellfire. Cyclops definitely adds to it by showing off his new fucked up powers. Because of the art it’s hard to appreciate how badass they are, but I’m guessing that blasting Dormammu helped soak the panties of both Emma Frost and Tempus (in a good way that is). It also shows why he’s still the leader and still as badass as Wolverine, minus the body hair.

However, these initial blasts don’t amount to much. In fact, they barely amount to anything other than weakening Cyclops and pissing off Magik’s demon side. She tries sending everyone back to the non-hellish world, but fails. There’s more talking here, which basically amounts to Dormmamu fucking with Magik while the new mutants whine like little pussies. But to be fair, they have every right to. I’m normally inclined to poke fun at characters in comics that act like future prison bitches, but in this instance Bendis actually creates a setting where such bitching is justified. These aren’t experienced X-men staring down Limbo. These are inexperienced teenagers. Unless they had gym class with me in high school, they’re not prepared for this.

And while I won’t poke fun at the young mutants, I will point out that there was way too much talking here. Bendis is great with mixing dialog and action. In this instance it didn’t mix as well as it has for most of the series. But I look at it as a bad batch of pot brownies. Even though they turn out bad, they can still get you high. So I don’t think it takes too much away from the plot. It causes it to drag for a bit.

But Bendis doesn’t let it drag for long. In the same way he touched on an ongoing theme in Uncanny X-men with a new mutant, he takes a break from hellish storylines to follow another plot that has been unfolding across multiple issues. It’s no secret that SHIELD and the Avengers got their asses served to them with a side of fries several issues ago. And Maria Hill takes pride in the sanctity of her ass so she’s not about to let this shit go.

With help from everyone’s favorite non-female SHIELD agent, Phil Coulson, she muses over the mutant issue while analyzing the sentinel that attacked in Uncanny X-men #1 (yet another great example of the connectivity in this series). In addition to having a nice ass, she’s smart enough to know that what they’re doing with mutants and with Cyclops ain’t working. And since the Uncanny Avengers can’t stop trying to strangle one another, SHIELD needs another approach to dealing with mutants and one that involves better analyzing the situation rather than treating Cyclops the same way they treat Hydra. It’s one of those things that should be common sense, but in the world of SHIELD sometimes common sense takes some pwnage to utilize.

Back in the hellish world that doesn’t involve the ex-girlfriend, the Stepford Cuckoos come to another hard conclusion that may also count as common sense. Dormmamu isn’t going to let them go and these young mutants are too chicken shit to be effective against his demon armies. So the only solution is to mind-fuck them to the point where they are no longer afraid and are ready to kick the devil in the balls while singing Journey songs. Now normally I’m morally opposed to mind-fucking unless it involves kinky sex antics from Emma Frost. But when it turns a bunch of whiney teenagers into a bunch of determined, badass X-men in training I think it’s not only justified. It’s necessary. It usually takes years for teenagers to overcome their innate fear of being inadequate. If a simple mind fuck helps them skip a few steps, then why not? It’s either that or whine while a demon uses them as toilet paper.

The talking finally stops and the fighting finally begins. And despite the poor artwork, it’s still a sight to behold. Both the veteran X-men and the new X-men fight together in their first major clash. It’s a big moment for this series in that Bendis has spent a number of issues just getting this team together and getting them into a base. Now they’re taking it to the next level and fighting as a team and against Dormammu’s mud demons no less. While it may still be a tough trial-by-fire for a group of new X-men, it should definitely make fighting killer robots in the future that much easier.

That’s not to say there isn’t some talking during this fight. However, it involves characters not participating in the fight. As the battle in Limbo is unfolding, Maria Hill is holding a little interview that is part of this new common sense approach to dealing with mutants. She claims she wants mutants to be treated equally as well, but doesn’t trust a team where Magneto is whispering into the ear of Cyclops. That’s not unreasonable in the slightest, but she still makes it clear that she doesn’t trust Cyclops and doesn’t trust what this revolution of his entails. So she needs someone to help her improve mutant relations without risking the Avengers getting pwned. And who might be willing to help?

Thankfully, we don’t have to wait until the next issue to find out. In fact, we didn’t even have to wait until this issue. It was already announced in future solicits that Dazzler would be joining SHIELD and would show up in the pages of Uncanny X-men. Well in this scene we find out how she gets caught up with SHIELD. After proving herself in the pages of Xtreme X-men and showing that she’s a capable leader in X-Terminator, she’s ready to become more than a glorified Lady Gaga parody. And in a series that already has a number of hot blonds on the team, I guess another couldn’t hurt.

In this day and age, the ability to multi-task is almost as valuable a survival skill as the ability to secure your next meal. It’s not to just be able to wrestle a bear while satisfying a woman. You have to be able to balance your checkbook, cook your meals, maintain your schedule, meet deadlines, stay in shape, and still have the energy to knock up or be knocked up to secure your bloodline. The people that don’t do that become Charles Darwin’s bitch. And reading Uncanny X-men, I get the sense that Brian Michael Bendis is trying to do overcompensate by making Drawin his bitch in ways that Kirk Cameron only dreams of. And the end result is pretty fucking awesome.

Uncanny X-men #6 didn’t just continue the story that Bendis has been developing with Magik and Dormammu for the past couple issues while exploring the mindset of a bunch of teenage mutants who have more pubic hair than experience. He established two new plots and found ways to make it mesh with the story he was already telling. We don’t just get yet another new mutant. We get some reactions from SHIELD, who were still clearly butthurt from the pwnage Cyclops gave them a few issues ago. But more importantly, we get a plan that brings Dazzler into the mix. Having thoroughly enjoyed her development in Xtreme X-men under Greg Pak, I’m just giddy like a chipmunk on crystal meth at the prospects of Bendis bringing her into Uncanny.

Very few writers can effectively balance multiple plots in a comic without it becoming an outright clusterfuck. Brian Michael Bendis is one of those few who can do so on a consistent basis and he’s been demonstrating that to great effect in both this series and All New X-men. He’s giving this team of X-men a very different set of circumstances compared to the All New X-men crew or even the previous Extinction Team. This is a team that isn’t seen as heroes, but Cyclops is still making an effort to do what he was trained to do by Charles Xavier. He’s trying to protect new mutants from the general douche-baggery of the world while teaching a new generation of mutants. Sure, he was the one that killed Xavier in a Phoenix-fueled rage, but if Wolverine can kill his own son and still rub elbows with Captain America, then I say bygones!

The balance in this issue was the highlight. However, there were some lowlights that kept it from being perfect. I usually don’t comment on the art of a book, but I’m really missing Chris Belecho’s style after seeing this issue. Not that it’s bad, but at times it looks link the inks were smeared with bull semen. Don’t ask me how I know what those smears look like. Also, certain scenes like Dormammu’s boasting made the story drag at times. It felt like it took way too fucking long for the team to get their act together and attack Dormammu. It’s like two drunks acting like they’re going to fight, but instead just stand around insulting each other’s’ mother. That’s okay for a bar fight. Not for a comic.

Overall, Uncanny X-men #6 maintains the high quality that Brian Michael Bendis has established with his X-books. That kind of consistency is rare in this day and age. The ADHD nature of comics, writers, and fans make consistent books as rare as a child star that doesn’t grow up to be a total fuck-up. I won’t say that Uncanny X-men is as awesome as Neil Patrick Harris, but I will say it’s in the same ballpark. I give Uncanny X-men #6 a 4 out of 5. If anything, we should take one vital lesson from this issue. Mind-fucking someone may be wrong in most circumstances, but it’s probably the only way to make a bunch of whiney teenagers into effective contributors. And for that, I deem it both justified and awesome. Nuff said!

The Wolverine Trailer (And Why Movie Wolverine Is A Total Pussy)

It happened again today. Another trailer for another upcoming X-men movie came out. For me, that means one of two things. First, it means the executives at Fox are low on money for blow and hookers. Second, it means I need to stock up on hard liquor, weed, and Valium because every bit of news regarding X-men movies has made me want to shove C4 up my urethra, swallow several sticks of dynamite, and jump into a live volcano. But this is a blog about X-men and I wouldn't be a very responsible drunk of I didn't do a post about it.

First off, we already know what to expect with The Wolverine. If you've seen Batman Begins, you're not missing anything. Wolverine has suffered a huge loss, he's gone emo, he ditches the world he knows to find meaning, and ends up getting help from some stereotypical Asian guys. But unlike Batman, Wolverine does it in a way that somehow makes one of the most badass characters in the history of Marvel comics into a total pussy.

Let me start off by saying that I know I'm in the minority here. I am among those few X-men fans who absolutely hates the X-men movies. And I'm not just talking about Brett fucking Ratner or fucking Barakapool. I fucking hate Bryan Singer's movies. Yes, I know his movies paved the way for comic book movies everywhere. I know he's regularly praised for his brilliance and I do concede that he's done some great shit. I will gladly kiss his ass for the rest of my days for The Usual Suspects and House. But he's a fucking dipshit when it comes to comic book movies and he took X-men and butt-fucked it to a a point where the only good X-men movie we can get is X-men First Class, a movie that he was never involved in and didn't use his precious Wolverine.

This trailer in many ways highlights why Singer's X-men movies suck donkey balls and why there's no reason to hope that Days of Futures Past will be any better. First off, let's look at movie Wolverine and compare him to his comic counterpart. In the movies Wolverine meets up with the X-men, makes friends with Rogue, flirts with Jean, but then ditches the team at the end of the first movie. He comes back in the second movie, basically does jack shit aside from throw temper tantrums, tries to bone Jean Grey again, and basically distracts from every single side-plot. And in X3, he's supposed to now be teaching the team. He tries to bone Jean Grey again, but only ends up having to murder her ass and fails to keep Cyclops and Xavier from getting killed. And what does he do after all this tragedy? Well according to this trailer and the other trailer, he fucking leaves!

That's right. At a time when the X-men have lost Charles Xavier and two of the most capable X-men, he fucking up and leaves! And why? Because he's still pining for Jean Grey? Well here's one major detail that separates his boner for Jean in the movies compared to the comics. He knew Jean Grey for only a few days. I need to emphasize this. HE KNEW JEAN GREY FOR ONLY A FEW FUCKING DAYS! He left at the end of X1. She died at the end of X2 shortly after he returned. And she returned in X3 just so he could kill her. Yet somehow she's now the love of his fucking life? Never mind that they never got to hook up in the comics outside of AUs and never mind that she fucking married Cyclops, who was basically killed off to make room for Wolverine. How the fuck is Jean suddenly this epic love affair with Wolverine when he didn't even know the first thing about her? I mean look at X1 and X2. He had more screen time with Rogue than he did with Jean and now in this trailer he's having a vision of her? That's the kind of shit we expect from Edward Cullen. Not Wolverine.

On top of that, I need to reiterate something else. He fucking ditched the X-men at the end of X3! They are probably hurting a great deal after so many deaths, but he doesn't see fit to stick around and help? He just goes all emo and runs off to Japan? Since when the fuck did Wolverine, the badass hero who was supposed to have a sense of honor, get so sensitive that he just ditches a bunch of young mutants who need him badly because of some woman he barely fucking knew?! That's not badass. That's not just a dick move either. That's just being a flat out pissant little bitch!

Compare that with recent events in the comics. Professor Charles Xavier and Jean Grey died too. But in the comics, Wolverine actually stuck around and developed a close personal relationship with both. And when they did die with Jean in Planet X and Xavier in Avengers vs. X-men, he didn't fucking leave. He stayed with the X-men and became a leader even though he knows he's not good at it. Just read his fucking speech in Uncanny Avengers #1. That's fucking Wolverine. If that Wolverine met his movie version and found out that he just ditched the X-men, he wouldn't just murder his ass. He would piss on the remains.

Don't get me wrong. I love Hugh Jackman. I love Femke Jenssen. But the characters they played were fucked. Wolverine was a total fucking pussy. And Jean Grey in the movies was nothing more than a walking dick warmer for Wolverine that he never got to try out. And yet we're somehow supposed to respect him as this badass? I would respect a fucking Kardashian before I respect someone like that!

And I do blame Bryan Singer. He's the one who got the ball rolling on this shitty incarnation of Wolverine. He's the one who basically turned the X-men movies into glorified Wolverine movies and nothing more. And now he's the one trying to turn another epic X-men story, Days of Futures Past, into a movie. I have absolutely no confidence in him, nor do I have confidence in the future of X-men movies. I believe the only way this could ever be fixed is if Days of Futures Past becomes to X-men what Batman and Robin was to Batman movies. Bryan Singer needs to become the new Joel Shumacher so that he will never be allowed to touch another X-men movie, or comic book movie, until the end of time. He's already bombed on Jack the Giant Killer. Just one more bomb and he can be done with this shit so someone else can take over. At this point, I would give Joel Shumacher another shot at directing a comic book movie than I would Bryan Singer.

I get that this drunken rant is just that. A rant. I also know that Byran Singer is never going to read this shit and neither is Hugh Jackman or anyone at Fox. But I'm just putting it out there. Singer's X-men movies suck! His Wolverine sucks! His Jean Grey sucks! And this movie and Days of Futures Past is destined to suck if he keeps doing the same shit. And until that changes, I have no hope that we can ever have a decent X-men movie in the way. Instead, we're only going to be stuck with shit like this.

Nuff said!

Cable and X-Force #8 - Present and Future Awesome

I’ve often wondered what aliens would think of the human race if they ever visited Earth. Part of me thinks that they’ll incinerate the entire planet down to the sub-atomic scale the moment they see the first two seasons of the Jersey Shore and meet the likes of Andy Dick, Pat Robertson, and Kim Jong Un. But another part of me (usually the one that’s not sober) tries to have a more optimistic view of aliens. Maybe when they arrive they’ll be just as fond of football, beer, and boobs as men like me.

For that reason, I relate to the creepy yet cool alien that was introduced in the pages of Cable and X-Force #7. This alien, despite looking like a cross between a shaved monkey and a cold sore on Tommy Lee’s scrotum, comes off as the kind of alien I would have a beer with. When Domino and Boom Boom freed him in the previous issue, his first inclination wasn’t to vaporize them or use them in some twisted breeding experiment as most would be inclined to do. He ended up toying with them, laughing at their pitiful human remarks. So he chose to protect them as they escaped from a high security prison that Colossus was too chicken shit to leave. Plus, he did it while keeping Boom Boom in her bikini. You have to respect that on some levels.

An alien with a fondness for beautiful women in bikinis is just one aspect of Cable and X-Force that makes it appealing. Cable and his team are on the run from the authorities, the X-men, the Avengers, and the imaginary voices in Michelle Bachmann’s head. Yet the amount of fucks they do not give could not be measured with multiple universes. This is because Cable is having visions of the future and those visions are about as appealing as a weekend locked in an Indian public bathroom that hasn’t been cleaned in a decade. That is what led him to both break an alien out of prison and hijack one a ship from SWORD. Yeah, it’s that bad.

The future inches closer in Cable and X-Force #8 as our friendly, bikini-loving alien has Domino, Forge, Dr. Nemesis, and the bikini-clad Tabitha captured in his ship. As you might expect, SWORD is not very happy with this and sends a fleet of attack ships to confront him. But the alien isn’t as interested in them as he is his Domino. I admit she would probably draw my attention more than attacking space ships, depending on what she was or wasn’t wearing. The alien is genuinely curious. Why would X-Force free him when he has already dangerous enough to make it on Abigail Brand’s shit list. Then again she seems like the kind of woman who would put you on her shit list if you looked at her cross-eyed. So that’s still a pressing issue that hasn’t been resolved. But that doesn’t seem to bother Domino, nor should it. When you’ve got a rack like hers, not much should bother her.

Unfortunately for Cable, he doesn’t have a rack like Domino’s. That means he’s going to be bothered/pissed when he arrives at the now damaged prison to find out his team has been abducted by a potentially dangerous alien with a soft spot for pretty Earth women. He’s also going to be bothered/pissed when SWORD confronts him. They tend not to appreciate it when someone frees a dangerous prisoner under their guard. And since they confront him with a big fucking ship, he has no choice but to surrender. Even Colossus, who just stood around like a pussy while the alien got away, gets taken as well. Even if you’re not on Brand’s shit list, she’s not afraid to use the guilt-by-association approach.

Abigail Brand may be a harsh, unfair bitch, but she usually has reasons for being that way. Once she takes Cable and Colossus into custody, she goes through the trouble of explaining those reasons and unlike most vindictive women, they’re actually good ones. We finally find out just who this alien is and why he was locked up. His name is Kliktok the Cruel and aside from being guilty of having a goofy name, he’s also guilty of committing mass slaughter in 12 different star systems. Why? I assume the reason he gives amounts to “Fuck you and suck my six-foot alien dick.” And apparently SWORD had agreed to hold him so that other alien systems could debate on how the torture him to death. Because apparently, the alien justice system is as advanced as the Spanish Inquisition.

Sadly, this means that the alien that I thought I could have a beer with turned out to be a total genocidal asshole. I know I shouldn’t be too surprised, but one of these days I really hope Marvel introduces us to an alien that isn’t afraid to get drunk and fondle boobs. At least with this alien, we have a dangerous threat that only a group X-Force can deal with. You may be able to reason with mutant-hating bigots to a point, but not a genocidal alien. It helps answer a question that was a bit of a plot hole in the last issue and this certainly helps, although it means I’ll have to find someone else to share my beer with.

So Abigail Brand has a good excuse for being pissed. But what about Cable? Why the fuck would he want to free an asshole like Kliktok? Well he actually has a good excuse as well and to get the point across to someone of Brand’s bitchy inclinations, he uses his telepathy to show her part of that horrific vision of the future. And it actually fits in perfectly with the details Brand just gave. He reveals that the aliens that were fighting over how to torture Kliktok couldn’t hold their wad and decided to attack Earth, murder 6 million people, and then torture Kilktok. That essentially means that it’s Brand’s fault for agreeing to hold this alien asshole in the first place and by freeing him from his prison cell, Cable essentially took the target off of Earth.

Again, we finally have a few lingering plot holes filled. Cable’s visions of the future finally actually mean something other than, “we’re fucked and we have to do crazy shit that involves putting Tabitha in a bikini.” Not that I mind the bikini, but it really does help the story in a big way when these sorts of plot holes are filled in. Not only that, they make fucking sense. That means I can read this comic drunk and sober and still get it. And I always give extra points to that, almost as much as I give hot blonds in bikinis.

Since Brand really is the one that fucked up in the first place, she agrees to help Cable. She even lets him and Colossus ride along in her private space ship so that they can catch up with Kiktok and save the rest of the team. However, she makes it clear to them that she wants them punished for their bullshit. Never mind that they may have just saved 6 million lives. They still freed an alien prisoner and fucked up a secure prison. Not only that, they’re still wanted for the shit they pulled in the previous arc. It’s not a fair deal in the slightest, but it’s probably the fairest deal anyone will ever get from Abigail Brand without boning her.

Back with Kliktok, he’s still learning the intricacies of dealing with human women with a great rack. He’s starting to get hostile with Domino, although he hasn’t resorted to probing just yet (although I’m sure it’s on his list). But Domino keeps her cool in a way that just makes you love her even more. She really does shine while the rest of the team is out cold for most of the issue. She shows no fear in the face of an alien mass murderer and why should she? She always has luck on her side. And in this case it helps that Forge planted a bomb in Kliktok’s ship that goes off before he can take them into deep space for more extensive probing. It’s a great moment that feminists will love and men can still jerk off to.

And it isn’t just a bomb going off that Kilktok has to deal with. Now that his ship is crippled, he has to deal with Brand. Her ship is able to catch up with his and now he’s in deep shit once again. And for once, Colossus actually contributes this time in ways that don’t involve whining like a little prison bitch who ran out of band aids to stop the bleeding from his asshole. He still keeps droning on about how this shit is his fault. I’ve long since stopped trying to make sense of his whining, but what does make sense is throwing him into the vacuum of space and having him ram a hole right into Kliktok’s ship. They call it a Spaceball Special and it’s the first time Colossus has shown some testicular strength in quite a while.

Colossus helps add to his still damaged reputation by putting those big muscles of his to good use and beating the shit out of Kliktok. That alien dared to strangle a woman he recently boned. Even if he is a whiney little bitch now, you just don’t do that to a guy like Colossus. It’s a satisfying way to finally get Colossus involved in a story without him whining like a little bitch. He still has a long ways to go before I can respect him again, but this certainly helps.

With Kliktok down, they proceed to toss him to an incoming armada of alien ships. These were the same ships that Cable saw in his vision that would have torched Earth in the same way Sarah Palin torches nature preserves. So that effectively averts that horrible future while ensuring that Kliktok is fucked in whatever holes he has.

But there’s still the matter of X-Force having to turn themselves in after returning to Earth. Abigail Brand made it clear that she was not inclined to let them walk free. Well maybe the X-men would have shown some respect for the law, but these aren’t the X-men. They’re X-Force. They’re already fugitives. They are to SWORD what Mexican immigrants are to Lou Dobbs. And they’re not content to be deported back to prison cells. So in the most kind manner possible, they kick Abigail Brand out of her own ship. If they weren’t on her shit list before, they can be certain they are now near the very top.

Once X-Force ditches her, Brand calls SWORD so they can pick her up. But while floating in space, she also has time to phone the Uncanny Avengers. Because it’s not enough for her to just be pissed enough to make X-Force pay for their bullshit. She needs help making them regret being on her shit list. The first one she talks to is Havok, who Cable already pwned in the last arc. Well now he’s going to get another shot and he’ll also have the full faith and support of Abigail Brand. So even though Cable and X-Force saved 6 million lives, they’re still going to be treated like fugitives. That’s gratitude for you.

So I guess that Kliktok the Cruel wasn’t the kind of alien that guys like me could hang out and have a beer with. He’s yet another alien sociopath who likes to destroy entire worlds, piss on the ashes, and jerk off on the corpses. If real aliens had lobbyists, they would probably blacklist this book until the end of time. However, I’m perfectly fine with Kliktok not being one of those cool aliens I can hang out with. His role in this story and this overall arc came together perfectly in this issue. It may have taken a while, but Cable and X-Force #8 is officially the new high point of this series and I couldn’t be more satisfied.

Shit finally came together in a way that made a wonderful world of sense. We finally see the purpose behind Cable’s visions. We see why X-Force had to free this alien. We see why this alien was locked in a prison cell so deep that he was probably making Jimmy Hoffa his prison bitch. We see Colossus still being a whiney little bitch, yet he actually managed to contribute in a meaningful way. We even get to see Domino be her awesome self and with her clothes on no less. That’s quite an accomplishment for a series that started out more incoherent than my last trip to Amsterdam. Not only that, Tabitha stayed in her bikini. I definitely give this book bonus points for that.

When an arc comes together in such a nice, coherent way it brings a tear to my eye and a shot of tequila to my lips. But when an arc also offers some nice teasers for what the next story may be, more tears and more tequila start flowing. My liver my hate it, but my heart has priority in matters of comics. The Uncanny Avengers, a series that also has been improving lately, is about to get involved in a way that will most likely include Havok being a total douche-bag and X-Force pwning their asses. I know that shit has already been done in books like Uncanny X-men, but I’m still not sick of it so I’m still excited about it.

This book was concise, refined, and everything that I hoped it would be from the beginning. A killer alien and visions of the future is a great backdrop for X-Force. If this book does have a flaw, it’s Abigail Brand being too nice at times in helping Cable. That and Colossus heaping all this needless guilt on himself is getting old fast. If he just spent a little more time between Domino’s legs, he might actually salvage parts of his balls. But he hasn’t and because of that he’s still like that guy at a party who only drinks light beer. Never-the-less, Cable and X-Force #8 is by far the best issue to date thus far. I give it a 4.5 out of 5. Maybe one day X-Force will meet an alien that is fun to hang out with and will also keep Tabitha in her bikini. But until that day, let’s just hope that aliens don’t make friends with Al Sharpton. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue #75: Renegade PREVIEW and New Character Revealed!

The X-men Supreme fanfiction series is nearing yet another milestone. The 75th issue of this epic fanfiction series is almost here! It still amazes me that X-men Supreme has been going on for this long. Watching this series unfold before my eyes has been an amazing experience and I hope those who have been following this fanfiction series feel the same way. As X-men Supreme has unfolded, I've explored many familiar characters and even a few not-so-familiar characters from the world of X-men and Marvel comics. There are still plenty more I've yet to introduce, but so far I haven't attempted to create any characters of my own for this fanfiction series. Well with the 75th issue, that changes.

One of the most difficult challenges in fanfiction is creating good original characters that help complement the story and don't detract from it. I've read many stories over the years that have attempted to create original characters and most of the time they fail. They either become too Gary Stu/Mary Sue or they completely distract from the other characters. I get that writers of all kinds are very passionate about the characters they create on their own, but the characters themselves can't be come the sole focus of the story. And that's going to be the challenge for X-men Supreme as I introduce not one but two original characters that you won't find anywhere outside the X-men Supreme fanfiction series.

These characters are not those who will take sides immediately. They are characters who are a direct result of the recent events in X-men Supreme Volume 4: Politics of Fear. With President Robert Kelly now in office and eager to confront the mutant menace, many are going to be vying for his influence. Men like Reverend William Stryker already have a tenuous place in his inner circle and that someone is going to have a bold agenda. What lies ahead for the X-men and the new President will shape the course of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series moving forward. For a brief peak at what you can expect, check out this extended preview that introduces a brand new character to the world of X-men Supreme!

“Nice job, Mr. President. I think that went well,” said his Director of the Interior.

“Yes, I think the people will respond favorably to you asserting more control on the military,” said his female public relations officer, “Polls show that the majority of the public are wary of the military acting without restraint on Genosha.”

“I’m glad they’re happy. I don’t think I’ll be able to say the same to my military advisers,” said President Kelly as he loosened his tie, “I’ll probably make a few enemies by halting their plans.”

“They’ve grown too comfortable dealing with a weak president,” said his chief of staff, “It’s better you do this now and assert your strength. It’ll embolden our efforts to get the new mutant legislation passed in the long run.”

“I hope so, but I doubt that’ll be nearly as easy. None of my supporters seem to like some of the amendments I’ve made to the Mutant Registration Act.”

“Give it time, sir. You’ll just have to do what all good politicians do and persuade them that this way is the best way to move forward,” said another one of his assistants.

They made it sound so easy. None of them were wrestling with political opponents, media pundits, and a mutant son. They had no idea how hard this process was. President Kelly already found himself proceeding more carefully than he originally intended. As much as he hated to admit it, the pundits were right to believe his son had something to do with it. But that wasn’t going to stop him from combating the mutant issue. He was just going to have to go about it more carefully than his critics were comfortable with.

Chief among those critics was Reverend William Stryker. While the rest of the President’s advisers showed approval for his speech, he remained in the corner along with a few of his disgruntled military advisers. They were among those  who weren’t getting along with the new president as well as they had hoped.

“Moving forward? More like reversing course,” scoffed Stryker, “Tell me, does becoming president turn everybody into such an unprincipled farce?”

“Speak for yourself, Reverend. You weren’t the one who had to reprimand ten irate military officers,” said the Secretary of Defense, who had been looking upon the new president with equal disdain, “I took this job because I honestly thought he was going to confront Magneto. All he’s doing is giving our enemies greater opportunity to act.”

“So much for personal loyalty,” muttered the reverend, “I go through all that trouble to downplay that incident during the Inauguration Day ceremony and now he won’t even consider my objections to these amendments of his.”

“I’m still can’t believe you pulled that off, but you have my gratitude. I can’t tell you how rough it was getting Stryfe into custody. I had to call another favor from White Cell again to send him to NORAD. The damn freak wouldn’t stop ranting and rambling about wars the whole way.”

“A prelude of things to come, I’m sure,” said Stryker, “The question remains...how long can he keep this up without suffering the inevitable backlash? It’s going to look mighty unpleasant when his so-called comprehensive reform on the mutant issue fails to stop the spread of wickedness.”

“If he doesn’t find a way to regain the trust of his military, it’s going to be even more than unpleasant. A disgruntled army and growing outside threats are the key ingredients to bringing down any superpower.”

“God help us all if Robert doesn’t grow a spine and stand up to the wicked.”

Reverend Stryker’s gaze hardened as he, the Secretary of Defense, and various other military officials watched President Kelly go over the speech with his advisers. As much as he wanted to walk over and tell him how flawed his speech truly was, he understood that his status here was fragile. He didn’t officially have a position on the President’s staff. He was basically just another adviser that was entirely expendable. He simply couldn’t risk his position in the White House at this point.

While the Reverend and the Secretary of Defense watched from afar, the door to the Oval Office opened and a new figure walked in bearing a full military uniform that denoted a high rank. Nearly every military official tensed at his presence, even the Secretary of Defense.

“Ooh boy, looks like God sent help of a different kind,” said the secretary.

“What do you mean? Who is that?” said Stryker suspiciously.

“Someone who is going to make our jobs a hell of a lot tougher,” he answered ominously.

Reverend Stryker’s gaze narrowed on the new figure while the rest of the defense staff remained tense. They watched as this highly decorated military officer practically barged past President Kelly’s advisers and addressed him.

“Mr. President, I need to speak with you,” he said in a tone that commanded respect even from the leader of the free world.

“And who might you be? I don’t remember seeing you on my defense staff,” replied the President.

“That’s because I’m not part of your staff…not at the moment, anyways,” he replied, “My name is General Nathan Grimshaw.”

“Grimshaw? Why does that sound familiar?” said Kelly suspiciously.

“Trust me, you’ve heard it before. And if it’s not too much trouble, I need you to wrap this up and meet me in the War Room immediately. There is a new development on Genosha that demands our immediate attention.”

Making an original character for the X-men Supreme fanfiction series is definitely going to be a challenge. I'm under no illusions that some fans may not like these characters or my efforts to inject my own creations into X-men. I understand that. But I hope that readers out there will give these characters a chance to help further the stories of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. And since these characters are my own creations, I sincerely hope that some will take the time to provide feedback or contact me if they have any concerns. I really do want to make this work and I'm open to any kind of suggestion or input that will help the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. Until next time, take care and best wishes, true believers! Excelsior!

Jack

All New X-men #15 Cover (Warning: Will Make You Sick)

I try not to give much stock to covers of comics. I know they're basically just a miniature billboard from companies that say, "Hey! Buy me no matter how shitty the contents may be!" But every now and then a cover comes along that is too sickening to ignore. Case and point, All New X-men #15

I just threw up through my eyes.

Yeah, that's Beast and Jean. I'm disgusted too. I've imagined many sick things while jerking off while high on blow. But this is too sick. I've got nothing against Beast. I've got nothing against Jean Grey. But them together is just wrong and that's coming from a drunk that swallowed a piece of already chewed cum that he took from a strippers snatch.

This is what the soliciation says:

ALL-NEW X-MEN #15
BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS (W) • DAVID LAFUENTE (A)
Cover by STUART IMMONEN
• Love is in the air!
• Cyclops heart and future start to fade before his eyes.
32 PGS./Rated T+ …$3.99

So basically, it amounts to Bendis torturing O5 Cyclops. All those years of him banging Emma Frost and karma has to come back to fuck with him at some point. That said, this is the kind of shit I worried about when All New X-men was announced. By fucking with the time stream, Bendis could continue the trend of writers having utter disdain for established relationships like Cyclops/Jean or Peter/Mary Jane. Throwing two characters together like this isn't just wrong. It's the kind of shit that makes you think less of people, both fictional and otherwise. Beast knows Jean is in a fucked up place and he knows outright that Cyclops loves her. Hooking up with Jean would be a dick move on par with fucking up the space time continuum. Not only that, he was the same asshole yelling at Cyclops in the first issue of All New X-men.

In addition, this issue is supposed to be the issue where O5 Jean finally confronts Rachel Grey according to Bendis. We don't know what that meeting will entail, but given how shit like this has been avoided it would be pretty fucked up if it got glossed over. However, Marvel has a talent for glossing over shit that boarders insanity so I wouldn't put anything past them.

Maybe these are just my own fucked up tastes, but this kiss along with an issue dedicated to breaking Cyclops's heart sounds like the kind of shit that would undo all the good that All New X-men has done under Bendis since it began. And that would be a fucking tragedy on the level of the Hindenburg. I can only take some comfort in the knowledge that covers can often be deceptive.

Suck it, KKK!

Yeah, this is the best recent example. That kiss is very misleading in that it didn't exactly happen the way you think. I could go into details, but I'm too drunk and I still have vomit on my shirt. But there was also this.

Suck it, Hefner!

This amounted to nothing as well. And in the long run it did jack shit. I hope this is the case with this cover and I hope Bendis won't take the One More Day approach with Jean Grey. We already saw how shitty that can turn out in the pages of X-men Forever, a series that got canceled early. For a series on the level of All New X-men, we don't need that kind of bullshit. Nuff said!