A Step Back From Amazing: Amazing Spider-Man #1

The following is my review of Amazing Spider-Man #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

What is it that makes Spider-Man amazing? It's a question with many answers and that range of answers is a big reason why Spider-Man has had such vast appeal over many decades. This is a hero who doesn't carry himself as traditional heroes and not just because he got his powers at as a teenager. Peter Parker, as a character, resonates with people in a way characters like Superman, Batman, and Captain America can never hope to do. Few people outside Donald Trump and Peyton Manning know what its like to have superhuman ability or billions of dollars in resources. But Peter Parker, despite having superhuman abilities, is defined by the everyday struggles that so many can relate to. This is what makes him amazing.

However, it's because of those qualities that Amazing Spider-Man #1 has a distinctly unamazing impact. That's not to say it doesn't present Spider-Man in a way that embodies all those qualities that fans have come to know and love. It's the circumstances that have been established as a result of Superior Spider-Man that make these qualities akin to the wrong ingredients in a cake. The premise itself isn't the problem. Peter Parker is back, having regained control over his body from Doctor Octopus. Now he's trying to rebuild his life in a way he's never had to do before. But in doing so, he takes a step back from being amazing and several steps forward to regression.

This gets back to those qualities about Spider-Man that makes him so amazing. He struggles to balance his responsibilities with the real-world problems of his life. But anyone who has ever made it past their teen years intact and only slightly traumatized is still able to make some kind of progress with their lives. They seek higher education, greater training, new jobs, and new opportunities. Sometimes they slip up, but even in those instances most competent people move forward. Well in his first issue back from limbo, Peter Parker gives the impression that he has made little progress as an adult or a hero for that matter. If he were a real person, he would be the kind of guy who habitually crashes on the couches of willing friends and never sees the flaws in his methods.

This is best demonstrated in the battle against a colorful team of thieves that call themselves the Menagerie. They're basically a team of cos-players with fancy gadgets and humanoid hippo for muscle. They're the kind of ridiculously tacky villains that Spider-Man faces all the time. While it was refreshing to see Spider-Man with a sense of humor again, his incompetence was anything but humorous. If anything, it was an ominous sign that Peter Parker is falling back into old habits. This would be tragic and compelling if he were a drug addict. But as a superhero, it's like a grown man trading a motorcycle for a tricycle.

It wasn't that the Menagerie getting the better of him. It's a matter of him going back to his old methods, abandoning the infrastructure and resources that Doctor Octopus acquired as the Superior Spider-Man. He ditched the new suits and all the fancy gadgets and went back to basics. This might be good from a conceptual standpoint for the issue, but from a pragmatic standpoint he might as well be a cop exchanging his gun for a musket. The Menagerie reveal why using just a normal uniform made out of the same threads that make up discount apparel at Wal-Mart is a bad idea. Peter Parker is literally and figuratively exposed in a way that Doctor Octopus never was.

But it isn't just losing his uniform and web-swinging in his underwear that demonstrates his regression. He carries himself around Parker Industries, the company that Doctor Octopus founded under his name, like an unpaid intern pretending to be his boss for a day. He tries to save face around his co-workers and investors. Yet even he admits to himself that he has as much business savvy as kid running a lemonade stand.

It doesn't bode well for him building on the foundation that the Superior Spider-Man laid out for him. In fact, it already shows cracks in the foundation. When Peter had a chance to pick out one of the many costumes Doctor Octopus created, he picked the one that had the least amount of utility in helping him carry out his responsibilities. And he picked it for no other reason than because it felt familiar. He might as well have been wearing his favorite pair of pants long after a hole formed in the back.

This isn't just a matter of classic "Parker luck" as it's often called. It's a matter of not learning from mistakes. The old uniform may look iconic, but even Batman is smart enough to use new gadgets every now and then. And unlike before, Peter has the resources of his own company to help him. He has these options and he doesn't use them. That isn't just incompetent. It's blatantly irresponsible, which makes it hard to root for him even against a team of villains as ridiculous as the Menagerie.

That irresponsibility sets the stage for an uncomfortable confrontation with Anna, the woman Doctor Octopus dated while he was in Peter's body. It also sets the stage for an all too familiar conflict between Spider-Man and J. Jonah Jameson. A bonus story even sets up the return of a very upset Black Cat who is intent on torturing Spider-Man the same way every villain he's ever encounter has fantasized about. These are all classic themes about Spider-Man that fans have come to expect over the years. And the way they unfold in this issue is not the problem. The problem is that Peter Parker insists on using the same approach he's always used, even though the Menagerie just proved its flaws. Jameson and Black Cat have excuses, but Peter Parker does not. It's an instant where reverting back to classic themes make for a choppy and somewhat predictable narrative.

In its efforts to recapture all those amazing qualities that make Spider-Man who he is, Amazing Spider-Man #1 sends Peter Parker down the road to regression. The humor is back, the classic themes have returned, and the tone is much more upbeat than it was during Superior Spider-Man. But bringing Spider-Man back to basics in the context of the story paints a less-than-amazing picture. Every character not named Peter Parker comes off as compelling while Peter Parker just comes off as a guy who refuses to be the superior Spider-Man that Doctor Octopus told him he could be.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

Romance In Comics - The Twilight Factor

For some reason back in the early 90s, it was decided by a bunch of heroin-addicted dope-heads that love was no longer "cool." Love in movies and love in comics became the kind of shit you only tolerated in hopes that it would get a woman horny enough to bone. Now I don't know who the fuck decided this or why the fuck people agreed to it. But it has led to a generation of shitty love stories that have affected how relationships in comics are portrayed.

Now anyone who has followed this blog in a soberish state of mind knows I tend to make Twilight jokes every now and then. However, I don't deny that Twlight has made a metric fuckton of money and has channeled the hormones of millions of fans, most of them probably women. Guys like me can make jokes about how lame and gay the Twilight saga was, but at the end of the day Stephanie Meyer, Kirsten Stewart, and Robert Pattinson can laugh all the way to the bank and shit in gold toilets while bloggers like me are stuck shitting in his neighbors basement because a plumber is too fucking expensive.

The love story in Twilight was cliched, gimmicky, mushy, and utterly unrealistic. Now every woman seems to want every guy to be Edward fucking Cullen in that she wants to be the complete center of a man's attention. To hell with whatever else they may have a passion for, they want a super-powered, super-attractive rich pretty boy to take care of them. For men, that would be like wanting to have a woman who looked like a perpetual 22-year-old Pamela Anderson whose sole purpose in life was to refine her blow-job techniques on them and them alone. My point is this is an unreasonable standard and it shows in comics.

I've done more than my share of ranting on relationships in my reviews. And no matter how drunk they may be, I stand by them. Even before Twilight became the object of every tween's obsession, romance in comic books was subdued. It was always secondary to battles against giant robots, monsters, and killer aliens. And that makes sense because that tends to be what resonates with young men. They like seeing shit blow up and they like seeing women with big tits. If romance somehow works its way into the story, then that's okay. Contrary to popular belief, men do have a taste for romance. But it's secondary. And men will embrace that romance if it makes the story more compelling in between explosions. Case and point, Superman and Wonder Woman.

And panties everywhere became very moist.

This romance actually got national attention because until recently, it was just fodder for fanfiction authors and ideas about superhero sex. But DC decided to do something different with their New 52 and give this couple that had always been hinted at a chance. They didn't go the Twilight route. It wasn't love at first sight and there was no creepy obsession. Superman didn't loom over Wonder Woman's bed at night watching her sleep and Wonder Woman didn't tattoo his name on her inner thigh. In fact, it's a relationship that has been somewhat underdeveloped because it always is secondary to the other shit that goes on in Justice League and their respective comics. Again, DC understands that a lot of young readers still respond to shit blowing up and killer aliens.

Then recently, DC announced that they were going to start a Superman/Wonder Woman series. And rather than be a secondary side-plot in Justice League, this relationship would actually take center stage. It's something comics haven't done in a while. The last comic that really focused on romance was Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane, a comic so watered down that might as well have been packaged with a My Little Pony toy. It wasn't billed as a mature relationship. But Superman/Wonder Woman is supposed to change that.

You'll never see them discuss webbing condoms in this series.

According to DC's Charles Soule and Tony Daniel, Superman/Wonder Woman is supposed to explore their relationship both in and out of costume. Because beyond only a few issues, Superman and Wonder Woman haven't really been shown developing as a normal couple. In fact, very few superheroes show that sort of development. Not since the early days of Cyclops/Jean or Peter/Mary Jane have comics taken time to show how these relationships become the epic love stories that lead to so much smut fanfiction on the internet. It's a major change of pace, which lead Tony Daniel to say at the Toronto Fan Expo recently that, "he was looking for something that appeals to women, "that hits on the Twilight audience." Well apparently, that was a very poor choice of words because the mere mention of Twilight to comic book fans is like mentioning President Obama to the Tea Party crowd. They really don't need much to go ape-shit. And for some reason, it required an article by Newsarama to clear things up.

Newsarama: Superman/Wonder Woman - Don't Call It Twilight

One of DC Comics' top-tier artists said publicly that he wanted his next comic to be something that appeals to women, so female comic fans and their supporters should be ecstatic, right?

Well… not necessarily, especially when the words "Twilight" and "romance" are involved.

At a panel during Toronto's Fan Expo this past weekend, former Batman writer/artist Tony Daniel was describing the type of book he wanted to draw for his next project, saying he was looking for something that appeals to women, "that hits on the Twilight audience." He said his newest comic, Superman/Wonder Woman, fit the bill.

"I mentioned maybe, can we create a book that targets a little bit more of the female readership that’s been growing? And maybe a book that has a little bit of romance in it, a little bit of sex appeal, you know, something that would, for lack of a better example, that hits on the Twilight audience," Daniel said he told his editors. "Millions of people went to see those [Twilight films] in the theaters because [they had] those kind of, you know, subject matter: the drama, the characterization with love triangles and forbidden love...

"Literally, a month later they asked me, 'Hey, what do you think of Superman/Wonder Woman?' And I think it took all of maybe three seconds for me to say, 'Yeah, that’s great. Let’s do that.' Because that’s exactly what I was describing that we need," Daniel said.

In current DC stories, Superman and Wonder Woman are involved in a relationship, and the Superman/Wonder Woman that launches in October (from Daniel and writer Charles Soule) will incorporate their burgeoning relationship.

Although the comic should be highly anticipated, since it stars two of DC's best-selling characters, the Twilight reference didn't sit well with some people in the internet comics community. In fact, it got enough of a reaction that The Hollywood Reporter picked up the story.

Some wondered if Daniel meant that Wonder Woman herself "pulls in the Twilight demo." Others worried that the statement implied women only want to read romances. "I’m headdesking at how the thought process is to go to the automatic idea that women just want romance," blogger Ami Angelwings wrote.

On the self-described "girl geek" fan site The Mary Sue, a blogger noted that a fan at the panel who called herself "Liz" asked a follow-up question about whether DC was only making the book romantic in its appeal to women.

 After a joke about drawing "butt shots" of Superman, Daniel clarified that Wonder Woman is "very strongly written, she’s not, you know, I mean she holds her own. And you’re going to like the interaction between Superman and Wonder Woman as well as their private lives, Diana and Clark. I mean, we have a lot of fun with their interactions and we’re going to have that drama. And on different levels, there’s a lot of layers to it that make it, you know, a little bit more of a more enjoyable book for me to draw and I’m sure for Charles. We’re both doing something kind of new with this, so it has a perfect recipe, I think, and it’s something I really want to do. I really think you’re going to like it a lot. Let me know. Just get on Facebook, let me know."

The fan wasn't convinced, and she wrote about it on a blog on io9. She also told The Mary Sue, "I know I don’t speak for every woman, but I think I can with this statement: All we want are good, well written characters and stories."

This is the second time this week that disdain for Twilight has shown up on comic book sites, as many fans reacted to a redesign of the DC character Lobo by comparing his look to Twilight vampire Edward Cullen. "Maybe he will sparkle too," one fan posted.

But to be fair, the creators behind Superman/Wonder Woman have made it clear over the last few months since the project was announced that their book is not just a romance. In June, Newsarama asked writer Soule about the dangers of writing a comic that's only based around two characters in a romance, and he answered:

"It's not the next Before Midnight movie. The book is, at its heart, a huge, epic, action-filled story. I mean, you have to have that with these characters, with the things these people can do, what these characters are outfittedly capable of, and then the types of guys that come gunning for them. It's going to be huge. I wouldn't necessarily want to write or read a book that was them sitting in the back of a taxi having an argument or something like that.

The stories will be written on a scale that befits these characters. But at the same time, I personally think it's fascinating to think about what they would say to each other, what they talk about, the way they have different approaches to solving the world's problems. I think that's grounds that have been sometimes explored here and there — I mean, there are books that have walked down this sort of path — but I think there's a lot more that can be said. And that's one of the things that really interested me about the project in the first place. And I look forward to exploring it."

Daniel also told Newsarama:

 "To be honest, I'm a pretty happy camper with this book, because it fits all my interests and tells a good story. All the things I'll be drawing and the story we're telling here is really almost tailor-made for me. I'm just really excited to get the chance to do these characters and all the different types of moments I'm going to be able to do, and each character's development, and the drama between the characters. I love that kind of stuff. I love to read it. And now I get to draw that, as well as the big action set pieces, and these gigantic battles we have with shared villains and new villains.

"It's just a really big, intergalactic, Christmas kind of thing. I can just go to town and have a blast with it."

So let me see if I can process this shit in a semi-sober mind...DC wants to do something that appeals to more than just the typical male readers who only want big boobs and explosions. So they create a book centered around a relationship between their two most popular characters because as Twilight has shown, romance does resonate with a certain crowd of women. And somehow they're assholes for doing that? That's like getting pissed at your accountant for using a calculator.

Now maybe referencing Twilight wasn't very smart because fans by default scoff at Twilight the same way they scoff at Michael Bay movies, ignoring of course that they both make a fuck-ton of money. But the logic is not flawed. Fans actually do care a lot about these characters and that extends to whoever they're hooking up with. That's why fans can get so pissed off when Marvel completely erases the Spider-Man/Mary Jane relationship from history or when they just randomly hook two characters up for no reason.

Case and point.

And this is a big problem. It seems that comics these days don't give enough fucks to actually develop romantic relationships between characters. They either have to just hook them up randomly, have them bone like extras on a porno set, or try to break them up. There's no middle ground. There's nothing deeper. That has been Marvel's biggest problem and one DC hasn't done much better on until recently. It seemed like the only thing Marvel could do with relationships is try to break them up or just conjure some epic love story that happened off-panel, namely the bullshit Storm/Black Panther relationship. And when that approach is taken, we get relationships that have about as much depth as an episode of Two and a Half Men. That is to say there's no real romance. It's just phony drama and masturbation fodder for fans.

This did not end well for them or for Charlie Sheen.

Now I know I don't come off as much of a romantic on this blog. And because romance just isn't "cool" in the eyes of today's cynical hipster douche-bag, we're not going to get the kinds of stories that show more developed relationships. In a ways, only Superman and Wonder Woman can pull it off at this point because they both have such a high profile. One just had a movie that grossed over $600 million and the other is the epitome of a female superhero, albeit one that has been screwed out of a movie to the point where we'll see Rocket Racoon before we see her on the big screen. But I digress.

The point is that Superman and Wonder Woman have a chance to do the kind of shit that we never saw with Cyclops/Emma Frost or Storm/Black Panther. DC can actually try and take the time to show how these two characters come together and develop a relationship that can't be summed up within a single episode of a shitty sitcom. And if some women take offense to DC trying this shit after Twilight made so much fucking money from it, then I have only one question. What the fuck is the alternative? Were these women really satisfied with how relationships like Cyclops/Emma or Storm/Black Panther were portrayed? If so, then why the fuck didn't they support them to the same extent they supported Twilight? My point is these pissed off female fans have nobody to blame but themselves.

At the end of the day, romance in comics will continue to be secondary for as long as young men keep buying them more than women. But women have shown with Twilight that they can and will fork over huge chunks of cash for a love story that they feel resonates with them. And DC is trying to do that while Marvel continues to have its dick stuck in the same hose, only focusing on romance when it involves breaking two characters up or having them bone. I, for one, applaud DC for making this bold leap. I really do hope that female fans respond to it because I don't care for the current status quo when it comes to romance in comics. I don't want to see anymore Cyclops/Emma or Storm/Black Panther relationships. We don't need that kind of overt titillation in the age of internet porn.

It's up to you, ladies. It's either this or more of Emma Frost's tits.

So here's to hoping that Superman/Wonder Woman successful to the point where fans can stop citing Twilight as the only type of epic love story. In the same way no good can ever come from women expecting their boyfriends to be Edward Cullen, no good can ever come from comics treating relationships like a fling with Charlie Sheen. Nuff said!

Amazing Spider-Man #700 Update, Spoilers, and Drunken Advice

Well, I hope everybody had a great Christmas, complete with presents, family, and eggnog mixed with 80 proof whiskey. But like the hangover that often follows when you challenge your uncle to a drinking game while watching "A Christmas Story," Marvel finds ways to make the end of the holidays suck donkey dick just a little bit more.

A while back, I posted detailed spoilers about Amazing Spider-Man #700, which was finally released today despite everyone with an internet connection and poor impulse control having access to the details for nearly two weeks. It was a post that generated a level of outraged and pissed off that I haven't seen since I last went to a Philadelphia Eagles game. I'm not going to give any spoiler warnings this time. I have no sympathy for people who get pissed off after clicking on a link where the word "spoilers" is in the fucking title. Either don't click or relax. Hell, there are pills out there that'll help your lazy ass if you think it's too hard. But relaxing may not be possible here because the events of Amazing Spider-Man have many Spider-Fans both scratching their heads and hitting it with a sledge hammer.

You don't need to know a whole lot about the details of the story. Doctor Octopus switched minds with Peter Parker. Now he's in Peter's body and in Amazing Spider-Man #700, the final confrontation had Peter die in Doc Ock's body, leaving Doc Ock in Peter's body. A more detailed assessment was posted today, courtesy of the fine folks at Newsarama. I can only imagine the staff that wrote this is going to be out with a concussion for the rest of 2012 after banging their head against the wall, but for that reason I respect their work a great deal.

Newsarama: Marvel's Amazing Spider-Man Ends, Revealing Superior Spoilers

There's some crazy bullshit about Peter's memories and experiences flashing before Doc Ock and somehow that is enough to turn him from a homicidal douche-bag into a guy who wants to be a hero just as much as he wants to bang Mary Jane. Because that's such a logical path for a story to follow. After all, don't we turn hardened criminals into upstanding members of society by merely having them experience recordings of great men and women doing the right thing? Oh wait, we don't? Then how the fuck does this shit make a lick of sense?

Above is a completely inaccurate portrayal of going from douche-bag to hero.

I'm not going to be completely cynical, despite whatever drunken inclinations I may have. There are some people that can turn their lives around. It happens all the time. I'm sure that before Michal Vick's cognitive functions were completely undermined by concussions, he did make a solid change in his thought process after losing $100 million and going to jail and becoming the most reviled athlete who doesn't play for the New York Yankees. But that kind of self-reform takes time, commitment, and work even in comics. Characters like Hawkeye and Magneto were able to reform themselves into semi-heroic characters, but that shit took years and a fuck-ton of compelling stories. For Doc Ock, all it took was a quick powerpoint presentation of Peter Parker's memories. And some how that shit is enough?

I don't want to belabor this point, but I bring it up to highlight what I'm sure has pissed a fuckton of fans off. Now Peter Parker isn't just dead in Amazing Spider-Man. He's effectively been reduced to nothing more than a collection of memories and experiences. He's not even a fucking character anymore. He's just a concept for Doc Ock to exploit. I may be a drunk, but even I find that to be a bullshit way to treat a character, fictional or otherwise. Now the hero that preached with great power comes great responsibility is a mind-swaped supervillain parading around as Peter Parker. And we're supposed to find it compelling that the asshole who did so many dick moves in the history of the comics is now just shrugging his shoulders and is content to be the guy he hated more than anyone? I did as many bong hits as I could to wrap my mind around this and all I got was no answers and an insatiable appetite for Doritos.

And as the comments on my first post indicated, there are plenty of fans out there who are pretty pissed about this. There are some screaming at the top of their lungs, "FUCK YOU, MARVEL! I WILL NEVER BUY ANOTHER COMIC BOOK AGAIN! MAY MEPHISTO SODOMIZE YOU WITH A FLAMING SPIKED DICK FOR ALL ETERNITY!" Granted, that may be a little excessive, but there's a problem with that approach...it's exactly what Marvel wants.

And this brings me to why I'm writing this post after a holiday hangover. Marvel is not stupid. They're a successful business that has been around for decades and makes a fuckton of money with their movies, comics, cartoons, and what not. And like every single publisher since the beginning of writing has noticed, shock and outrage get you attention. And in this society of zombie-like consumerism, attention is all you need to get sales. That's what Marvel is after...sales. And as much as it may sicken some fans, shit like Amazing Spider-Man #700 sells. Some may think, "Yeah, it sells well, but..." But nothing! After that purchase is made and the money has changed hands, Marvel and the business that serves them officially stops giving a shit. You bought their shit. Now you have to eat it. At the end of the day, you're the one with the shitty breath. Not Marvel. They only do what they believe will sell. They're a fucking business. For them to NOT do that would not only be fucking retarded, it would be financially irresponsible to them and their investors.

So with this in mind, I have a message for the many upset Spider-Man fans out there. This may be the most unhealthy advice I could give you without hooking people up with the guy I buy pot from, but don't vent your outrage. Don't yell, scream, and protest Marvel's decisions by writing letters, posting angry remarks on message boards, and harassing writers. That shit only encourages them because it indicates that a lot of people actually give a shit about their product. And they're smart enough to know that the assholes that yell at them probably still bought their shit. If they could respond, they would probably say, "I'm sorry, but I run out of fucks to give every time that purchase becomes final. So shut the fuck up and let me go back to wiping my ass with your money!" It may be counter-intuitive. Fuck, it's probably the most counter-intuitive thing a human being could do. When you feel like someone has kicked you in the balls, you want to kick back. But that doesn't actually solve anything. It only empowers the asshole doing the kicking. So please, if you're really that upset, do NOT respond. Do NOT voice your outrage. And above all, do NOT give Marvel your fucking money. Otherwise, you'll just get shit like this.

A douche-bag criminal gets to bone a hot woman. This is why the world sucks.

I'll make one final point before I lay this issue to rest. Marvel, Disney, DC, and every company like them feed on outrage. There really is no such thing as bad publicity for them. They're not politicians or celebrities. When people hate their guts, it actually helps them. They don't fear outrage. They don't fear fan hatred. The one thing they fear and do everything possible to avoid is apathy. Let me say that word again and bold it for you: APATHY. Do you know what that word means? It means not caring and having no visible emotional response. You may be fuming on the inside, but if you don't indicate to Marvel or anyone that you give a shit then what else are they supposed to conclude? This is the key. This is what cancels books, undoes big events, and gets people fired in publishing. It's apathy. When people are apathetic, Marvel and everyone like them stops doing what they're doing because naturally they say, "Fuck, this isn't working! Let's do something else!" It's like dealing with a child off his meds. They crave attention and the only effective way to stop reinforcing their shitty behavior is to ignore them. Kids go fucking crazy when they're ignored. Marvel and every business like them will do the same.

So to all the Spider-Man fans out there and comic book fans in general, I give to you this final holiday gift. It is the ultimate A-bomb for comics...apathy. This is how you send the message that this shit doesn't work. This is how you bring about change. Not by bitching and moaning about it, but by not responding at all. The response isn't immediate, but in the long run it works. It's a very hard thing to do and that's exactly why it's so effective. We fans have the power. And in the spirit of the now dead Peter Parker, we have the responsibility to use it. Nuff said!

Amazing Spider-Man #700 and UN-Amazing Spoilers

I did it once and I pissed a few people off in the process. So I'm doing it again because I'm a drunk and I stop giving a shit after a certain number of shots! I'm going to spoil another landmark issue of Amazing Spider-Man that has Marvel has been billing as the biggest Spider-Man milestone since Stan Lee and Steve Ditko's last simultaneous fart together. Amazing Spider-Man #700 isn't just billed as this huge milestone for a comic. It's supposed to set the stage for a big relaunch called Superior Spider-Man. I'm not sure how he's supposed to be superior. Early indications seem to imply that he's meaner, tougher, and more of an overall asshole. Shit, if that's superior, then my high school gym teacher was practically a god. But it's still speculation at this point.

For now, we know that Doctor Octopus swapped minds with Peter Parker. So for a while now Doc Ock has been parading around in Peter's body, playing the part of a hero, and boning all his women. It's basically the ultimate "fuck you" from a villain. Peter, now stuck in Doc Ock's body, is trying to fight back by getting his body back before Doc Ock fucks his reputation, ruins his relationships, or gets him one too many STDs. Amazing Spider-Man #700 is supposed to show how it all ends. Well until now, we could only speculate. Then the fine folks at 4chan leaked images online and since I'm such a generous guy, I'm going to share them here on this blog! First off, a clear warning. If you scroll down further, you will see some very spoilerific images!

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I know the image quality is pretty shitty. It's the best I can do. But if it helps, here are a few more images that break down the final pages.

Hint, that's not Doc Ock that's lying dead in the street...not entirely anyways.

This confirms one rumor, namely about Spider-Man being more of an asshole. It's like giving my old gym teacher super-powers. No good can come of it.

Just some casual boasting to end it all. It's the kind of boasting that is not the mark of a hero or anyone who preaches shit like power and responsibility, but I guess Marvel just thinks that shit isn't cool.

So there you have it. This is the new Superior Spider-Man. I'm not going to go too deep into my opinions while I'm this drunk, but I will make one important note to those hardcore Spider-Man fans that I know will be outraged. This is EXACTLY what Marvel wants. They figured out back during One More Day, Ultimatum, Avengers vs. X-men, Disassembled, and the Clone Saga that no matter how outraged fans get, they still buy their shit. I'm not sure they understand it. I don't think they give three tenths of a shit anyways. But for some reason, outraged fans still buy their shit. Marvel doesn't fear pissing off their fans anymore. They only fear their fans getting apathetic. That's the biggest weapon against comics. Apathy. The day fans become apathetic is the day Marvel knows they made a huge mistake. And because of outrage, this book will sell and they won't care how pissed off the people buying it are. So from one fanboy to many others, we've no one to blame but ourselves for this shit. It's not Marvel. It's us. We're terrible. I'm an adult. I know how to deal with it. And when I can't, I drink. It's a perfect solution! Nuff said.

Ultimate Spider-Man #160 - The Ultimate Death Knell

Here we go again. I'm reviewing another Ultimate book. I know I've already brained my damage after reviewing books like Ultimate X #4. I still haven't gotten over how any comic book could be so horribly fucked up that any just and loving deity would allow it to be created. Ultimate comics has scarred my brain more than all the cocaine, pot, LSD, DMT, shrooms, PCP, and prescription pain pill in South America. For Ultimate X I had to have a blood alcohol level no lower than .20 to get through it. For this, however, I will stay sober. This isn't Ultimate X. This is Ultimate Spider-Man, one of the few Ultimate books that was still worth a damn after Ultimatum.

Now in case you're more brain damaged than Forest Gump after inhaling paint fumes, you've seen that Marvel recently got in bed with the mass media lately. Before the new comics for this week even came out, the media spoiled the ending of Ultimate Spider-Man #160. Why was this more newsworthy than Iraq, Afghanistan, the shitty economy, or Lady Gaga's latest dress? Because Spider-Man died in it. No, he didn't quit. He didn't retire. He didn't vow to never put the people he cared about in danger again. He fucking died. In most other circumstances, that would be shocking. In Ultimate Marvel where people die all the time by getting eaten, decapitated, or having their brains blown out with a fucking bullet this sounds about as shocking as finding out Snookie has herpes. Marvel decided to make a big deal of this, even though Ultimate is an AU. 616 Spider-Man is still spinning webs. Granted, he made a fucking deal with the devil to do it, but he's still out there.

With all the mass hysteria surrounding Ultimate Spider-Man #160, I felt compelled to offer my take. I knew every major comic outlet and reviewer would praise this book as if it was written on the tomb of Jesus Christ with the menstrual blood of the Virgin Mary. It's easy to praise something that is so overhyped. It's even easier to overlook the flaws in the background that leads up to this overhyped story because seriously, who has the time to catch up with over a decade of backstory? God only made the days 24 hours and the weeks seven days long. We got shit to do so for all those looking for an alternative take on this media frenzied bullshit, here's a take from a drunken comic book fan who followed Ultimate from the very beginning and used to love it unconditionally. I already made it clear in my Ultimate X review that I'm a jaded drunk after Ultimatum. But that book was shit. This is Brian Michael Bendis. He's got more credibility than pretty much any comic writer. So while I may sound harsh, I'll still make an effort to be fair and honest. And no, that's not the booze talking.

Ultimate Spider-Man #160 follows up on an arc that has been based around the premise that all of Spider-Man's old enemies thought their lives would be much better if they just killed Spider-Man. So they banned together with the help of Norman Osborn, hunted down Peter Parker (because his identity in Ultimate is so poorly kept that his face is more recognizable than Britney Spears's pussy) and fought him. It's about as interesting as it sounds. It's not new. It's not novel. Somewhere along the way Spider-Man crossed paths with the Ultimates and got shot. Then he finds out his neighborhood is under siege and he goes after them, bullet wound and all. It's not completely without heart, unlike a bullshit story like Ultimatum. Bendis does make it more personal by highlighting the effects felt by Peter's loved ones. When Mary Jane realizes that something done gone horribly wrong in the fucked up world of Spider-Man, she does what any rational comic book character does and runs right into the shit storm. Yet somehow her mother lets her. Okay, so the standards for parenting in Ultimate are lower than Arnold Schwarzenegger's credibility on marriage fidelity. But that's besides the point.

While Mary Jane is lying to her mom, Peter is busy trying to prevent a fully goblinized Norman Osborn from using Gwen Stacy and his Aunt May as marshmellows in a human smoore. Keep in mind he's doing this after having been shot. This isn't adult Peter Parker. He's still a teenager, 16 to be precise. At that age most buys are bitching and moaning when they get a pimple on their face. This kid got fucking shot and he can still save his loved ones. So no one can say that Ultimate Peter Parker isn't a tough motherfucker.

One caveat though is he's still without his mask. Ultimate Spider-Man isn't known for his tactfulness. Usually even semi-competent super-heroes know that it's a good idea to keep your face covered so no one makes a youtube video about you when you're getting your ass kicked. Then again, he's been shot. Worrying about a mask with a bullet in your gut sounds like someone has fucked up priorities.

After he gets Gwen and May away, he says in some somewhat obscene ways that they need to stay back. He even authorizes Gwen to knock her out if she has to. It sounds like the Tony Soprano way of doing things, but when a green monster is attacking you manners are the second thing to go after the contents of your rectum. Once they're out of the way, Spider-Man lays into Gobby the same way I lay into a bottle of imported whiskey. To this point Osborne has been pretty flashy, flaunting all his firepower against everyone Peter cares about. So it's nice to see him get laid out like Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. He's hit so hard that he doesn't even get a chance to say "I will break you!"

With Gobby down for the count, Spider-Man goes for some much needed backup. Both Johnny Storm (he's not dead in Ultimate) and Bobby Drake are still there, but apparently they're a couple of whiney little bitches because they got knocked out. Spidey's still going and he has a fucking bullet wound. What's that say about those two aside from their laughable scrodal capacity? He manages to get Johnny burning again. He flames on and attacks the Green Goblin. It's like fighting fire with gasoline. The Human Torch has fire powers. Ultimate Green Goblin has fire powers. It can only mean something is bound to explode.

Once again, the Human Torch proves he doesn't even have a twentith of the balls that Spider-Man has. The resulting fireball doesn't exactly stun Green Goblin. It essentially supercharges him like Barry Bonds without the bulging head. Johnny Storm gets taken out of the fight again, forcing Spider-Man to once again bring Osborn down a peg. This time he does it with a mailbox instead of his fists. This means I can't make another Rocky reference, but I'm pretty sure Ivan Drago would be just as pissed. Peter takes it a step further, cooling him down with a fire hydrant that always seems so convenient in comics. The only thing they seem to be good for in the real world is getting yourself a parking ticket. So it's nice to see them being put to better use in comics.

The Green Goblin remains pretty damn peksy. Even while cooled down, he keeps going after Peter. It's mostly spectacle. Anyone who read the previous issues will miss seeing Osborn with a bit more personality. Bendis is usually good at mixing the Michael Bay style action with David Fincher style dialog. I get that this fight is supposed to feel epic. It would help if there was some more of those classic witty exchanges that Bendis has demonstrated time and again in most of his comics. Instead he's just relying on action. Unless you're stoned, it's not going to wow readers as much as previous battles.

However, you don't need to be stoned to enjoy the next part. Just as the fight is starting to drag, Mary Jane enters the picture and proves that she's more than eye-candy in Marvel. She proves to be a much more capable girlfriend than 616 Mary Jane, who was okay with making deals with Mephisto. She actually hijacks a truck and crashes it into the Green Goblin. This girl is still jailbait in Ultimate and she shows more balls than Human Torch or Iceman. I don't want to make any more comments about what that implies towards their manhood, but it's refreshing to see Mary Jane doing more than just screaming or giving readers something to jerk off to. She drove a fucking truck into a monster for her boyfriend. That's love there!

Fittingly enough, Peter and Mary Jane have a nice moment while Green Goblin is getting frisky with a truck radiator. It's not too long. It's not too emotional. They just kiss and that's about it. It's sweet and all, but then Peter has to go and do what may be one of the most unromantic things he could do short of farting in her face. He takes Mary Jane and throws her away from the scene, using his webs to create a soft landing. He doesn't ask her nicely. He doesn't urge her. He just throws her. It sounds like a dick move, but then again he may have been trying to spare himself from her nagging about fighting a monster after having been shot. In that sense, I can't blame him.

Having copped a nice feel with his girlfriend, Spider-Man turns his attention back towards the Green Goblin. By now he's had enough of his bullshit. He's ready to end his ass in a way he more than deserves. It's a nice time for Osborn to finally show a little personality. He goes on about how he'll torment everyone he cares about. He drones how Peter's going to suffer. It's nothing he hasn't said before. In fact, Bendis could have probbaly copied and pasted some of previous lines from other Ultimate Spider-Man stories and it would have said the exact same thing. Again, Spider-Man takes it like a man. He points out how Osborn's obsession with making him miserable won't undo all the bullshit he's done to himself. It won't bring back his son and it won't make him a respected money-grubbing billionaire (even if that is an oxymoron). He doesn't seem to give a damn. He just wants to kill Peter Parker. So maybe it's not that much personality after all.

Whatever the case, Spider-Man has run out of fucks to give and he (presumably) finishes off the Green Goblin by lifting the truck Mary Jane just stole and crushing him with it. I will repeat that for any of you ADHD folks. Spider-Man lifted a big ass truck and crushed the Green Goblin with it. It's every bit as badass as it sounds. He didn't need to make a fucking deal with Mephisto. He didn't need to be an adult either. He just had to be the Ultimate Peter Parker we all know and love. That's what makes the next scene such a letdown because as badass as that stunt is, there's a drawback. Big ass trucks contain metal and gas. According to comic book physics, that means that if you look at it cross-eyed that shit will explode. Peter being a science geek should probably know that so it's not too surprising when it blows up in his face.

Now this wouldn't be a problem if the title of this story wasn't "Death of Spider-Man." The death of Spider-Man implies that he's giving his life to save the world. This really doesn't seem to fit. He fights the Green Goblin, but not to the point where he has to die and take Gobby with him. He makes crazy move that just blows up in his face...literally. He didn't have to do it. Goblin himself didn't kill him. It was just him forgetting that when you do that sort of shit to a truck, it tends to explode. That or Goblin ignited it, but that isn't clear. For all we know, Peter just fucked up at the end of a fight and it killed him.

And no, that's not a metaphor. This really does kill him. After getting blown back by the explosion, he's basically down for the count in and doesn't pull a Rocky Balboa. Keep in mind he's still got a bullet wound. That sort of shit adds up. It's now at the point where he's just lying on the grass, dying while his loved ones hover over him. Other people in his neighborhood show up as well, but they don't say shit. You would think a fight between Spider-Man and a big fucking goblin would be a converstaion starter. They don't even take pictures with their phones. In this day and age that's pretty outrageous.

So in what's supposed to be a touching moment, Peter says goodbye to his Aunt May and everyone he loves. He managed to save them. Granted, he may have overdone it by triggering a big ass explosion that he couldn't avoid, but he did save them. Bendis claimed he had tears in his eyes while writing this. I was yawning at this point. Death in Ultimate Marvel has become such a joke that even a big name like Spider-Man dying is about as exciting as watching a dog lick his ass. At least Bendis put some real heart into it. That's something that isn't always shown with major deaths so I applaud him for going the extra distance.

And so Peter Parker dies. I know the Associated Press reported that shit before this book was even out. But it's worth stating again for the sake of the review. It goes over about as well as you would expect. Everyone starts crying. Everyone's sad and upset. Between the title and the media, it's not too surprising. It just signals the end of something that for 160 issues has been one of the best Spider-Man sagas ever created. It's an inglorious way to end it. There aren't any other stories that could get people this worked up so they kill Peter Parker. I won't say that's fucked up logic, but it is pretty damn lazy.

Ultimate was supposed to be a fresh take on Marvel's iconic characters. Now it's a graveyard/playground for writers to live out their perverse fantasies of killing their favorite characters. I've said this shit before and I'll keep saying it until the booze kills all my brain cells. Just because Marvel CAN do a story like this doesn't mean they SHOULD. There's a reason why they don't do stories like this in 616. It's not that they can't. Marvel owns the rights to Spider-Man. They could make him gay and have him bone Richard Simons if they wanted. There's nothing stopping them aside from common sense. The reason they don't is because it's a dumn idea. Just as killing 616 Spider-Man would be done, killing Ultimate Spider-Man is just as dumb. It's the kind of shitty gimmick that you see in What If comics or bad fanfiction. Well I write bad fanfiction and prefer this kind of bullshit be left to fanboys like me with drinking problems and too much free time.

And so Spider-Man is dead. Well, not really. ULTIMATE Spider-Man is dead. That's an important distinction to make. As heartfelt it may be, the fact that it happens in a world like Ultimate Marvel is a big fucking problem. I wanted to feel something here. I really did. Contrary to what my excessive drinking may imply, I do get emotional about comics. And I still have a soft spot for Ultimate. It was once my favorite Marvel outlet. I looked forward to it every week. Ultimatum killed my love for it faster than an adamantium needle laced with cobra venom. But Ultimate Spider-Man was the only title that maintained it's awesome aura. Granted, it was the only book that really didn't lose much, but Brian Bendis kept it interesting. I found it a lot harder to be passionate about after Ultimatum, but I still enjoyed it within a context. So when only three years after butchering the Ultimate universe, this story basically does a way with it's most iconic character then that's pretty fucked up.

Here's the problem with Death of Spider-Man. It's taking place in a world where reckless death is so routine that it's a fucking joke. Spider-Man died in a battle with the Green Goblin with some help of an exploding truck. It sounds pretty intense, but when you take into account that in Ultimate characters have died in so many grotesque ways it just seems bland. Bendis tried to put emotion into the story. He might as well have been trying clean up the oceans by pissing in them. There's just no emotion in a series that was already fucked in a billion different ways after Ultimatum. Killing Spider-Man is just like stepping on another ant. Marvel knows they can get away with it because they have 616 Spider-Man to fall back on. By having this fallback, they have an excuse to be reckless. I'm sorry, but that's a fucking lousy excuse if ever there was one. That's like saying it's okay to break someone's leg because they have spare crutches in the trunk of their car. This was Bendis's baby. Ultimate Spider-Man put him in the upper echelons of the comic pantheon. So when he decides to kill his character, it does carry some weight. But the context in which he does it lacks any real impact. It comes off as if he just wanted another spectacle, which was the main premise of Ultimatum. It was a big ass spectacle, but big ass spectacles aren't always good. They're like a bong hit with some dirt weed from Arizona. The buzz lasts mere seconds and then you feel like shit again.

That's not to say that Ultimate Spider-Man #160 wasn't a good comic. I'll say outright that it was a billion times better than Ultimate X or any Ultimate book within the last three years. Bendis took his time, showing the emotions of characters like Mary Jane, May, and Gwen. He showed Peter Parker at his finest, kicking Norman Osborn's ass and doing it with an attitude. It's a great moment, but it's not too different from his previous fights with the Green Goblin. The only difference here is that he dies in the end. It's a big difference, but once again the fact that it happens in Ultimate really makes it hard to feel anything more than half-hearted bemusement. So Ultimate Peter Parker is dead. He died fighting. That's fine. It's not awesome or great. Just fine in the sense that it did so without making readers want to throw up.

I don't feel the same outrage with Death of Spider-Man that I did with Ultimatum. For one, only one major character really died and the death was done fairly tastefully. But given how asinine Ultimate has become, it's hard to really feel anything for this story. I can't be outraged anymore because Ultimatum and Ultimate X have fried the wiring in my brain that allows me to give too much of a damn about these books. I'm glad Bendis was able to tell a story that essentially completed what he started in 2000. However, I'm disappointed in him for continuing with a new Ultimate Spider-Man, thinking he can replace Peter Parker. Did he not read the original Clone Saga? He should be smart enough to know that you can't replace Peter Parker with anybody. Even someone with his talent can't make everybody forget that Peter Parker is Spider-Man and that's it. Just as Superman is Clark Kent, you can't twist it any other way. So I have no confidence at all in the new Ultimate Spider-Man.

That said, Ultimate Spider-Man #160 is a nice ending. If only it ended every Ultimate book because the series went out of style when George W. Bush left office. I can only give it a 2 out of 5. It has good writing and good art, but it's bland. It pretends it has the importance of 616 when it doesn't. Ultimate died years ago when Marvel allowed Ultimatum. This just feels like it finished what that bullshit story started, albeit more tastefully. For that, it's not awesome. It's not even really good. It's just another gimmick. If that doesn't bother you, I'm sure you'll enjoy this even if you didn't like Ultimatum. But once the gimmick wears off, it'll be hard to give a halfway decent fuck about anything with Ultimate in the title anymore. Nuff said!

Ultimate Spider-Man #160: Death of Spider-Man SPOILED

I've made no secret of it. I fucking hate Ultimate after what was done in Ultimatum. This once great series has since become a sandbox for creators to get drunk and fuck over the characters that make Marvel their money. The stories they did after Ultimatum sucked so bad that after only two years, they're fucking rebooting the damn thing again! That's a gimmick, no matter what sort of bullshit they say to justify it. Leading up to it, they decided to kill Spider-Man. Because their logic is just so fucked up. "We killed off all these characters in Ultimatum, but fans didn't like it! I know how we can fix it! Let's kill someone else! How about Spider-Man? Yeah! Let's do that!" That shit makes about as much sense as it sounds. I could rant for hours about all the crap surrounding Ultimate and the Death of Spider-Man. I'm too drunk to do so. But thankfully, the associated press already spoiled the fucking issue so now people don't have to buy it unless their masochistic. So here it is!

Newsarama: Death of Spider-Man Spoilers

Here's the big secret. Peter Parker dies. That's it.

I wish I could say that it affected me. But after Ultimatum, any death in Ultimate is a fucking joke. In this same article Marvel has the balls to say that fans will embrace a new Spider-Man just as much as they embraced Peter Parker. I'm sorry, but in what fucking universe do fans embrace anyone more than Peter Parker as Spider-Man? They tried this bullshit with the Clone Saga back in the 90s and fans hated it so damn much that Marvel ended up retconning it! So what the fuck makes them think they can get away with it a second time? What the fuck are they smoking and where can I get some? Seriously, if you have any love for Ultimate, you're fucked. This is what they've been reduced to. They just kill the characters they can't get away with killing in 616. If that's all they can come up with, then what the fuck are they doing writing comics for a living? Doesn't that job require fucking creativity? Stay tuned. I may fully review this book just to really flesh out the bullshit. I'll borrow it from a friend. I won't give Marvel my money for this shit. After what they've done to Ultimate, they deserve nothing but a broken bottle of whiskey and a million middle fingers from every Ultimate fan that ever gave a damn. Nuff said!

Bad Romance - X-men Comics and Valentine's Day

Well I know I usually have a review on Mondays or some other post. But this time I'm simply going to use this blog as an outlet to rant a little. I'm sorry, but I need to get this shit off my chest. Today is my least favorite day of the year, Valentine's Day. It's the day where Hallmark has an orgy at the corporate headquarters because they've convinced an entire country to go out and celebrate a love that they could just as easily celebrate on their own without the bullshit marketing ploy. Now I have my reasons for hating Valentine's Day, personal reasons that I'd rather not share with the internet. Let's just say I've had my Peter Parker moments with women and I have no superpowers to make myself feel better.

So as a result of my hatred of romantic holidays, I often find myself following the romance of fiction. Call me sappy, but I actually like love stories. Anyone who has followed X-men Supreme knows I don't shy away from love, romance, and everything in between. Why would I? Some of the greatest stories ever told are love stories. Comics have told some epic love stories that bring me comfort to this day. I can still read stories about Spider-Man and Mary Jane, Superman and Lois Lane, Cyclops and Jean Grey, Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman, and Wolverine and whatever girl he happens to be interested in at the moment. Heck, there are even gay couples like Rictor and Shatterstar or Mystique and Irene from X-men. It's a beautiful thing, romance in a fictional world. Real life sucks. You get old and you die. But stories live forever. Superman and Lois Lane have had it going since 1938. It's been an amazing ride that has become part of pop culture.

However, every so often comics (like fiction in general) will try to tell a story that's horribly fucked up and makes you equate love to the same disgust you get when you eat bad cheese melted atop rotting meat. There have been stories about Superman marrying his cousin, Professor Xavier having the hots for Jean Grey (when she was a teenager mind you), and Mystique getting freaky with Iceman. This is the kind of shit that's more disturbing that provocative. Lady Gaga's costume at the Grammy Awards was provocative. Courtney Love's visit to her gynecologist is disturbing.

I get that Marvel, DC, and other writers have to do shit to keep people interested. Romance is a great way to do so and that helps get other audiences besides the testosterone laden male demographic interested. However, there's a fine line between being creative and being disturbing. Sometimes that line is walked skillfully by good writers. Other times they stumble over that line like Charlie Sheen on a three-day drinking binge.

Keeping in line with the X-men theme of this blog, I cite the issue that I haven't been able to shut up about: Cyclops and Emma Frost. Most X-fans know the story. After Cyclops had his soul corrupted by Apocalypse, it fucked up his marriage with Jean among other things. It didn't help that Jean was getting in touch with her Phoenix side again so he went to Emma Frost for help. Emma took advantage of him, had a psychic affair with him, and ended up falling for him. Then Jean dies, Cyclops rejects Emma, a horrible future happens as a result, and Jean has to push Cyclops to be with Emma from the future so that the world is saved. Okay, so it's a fucked up story, but it's not a terrible story.

The premise of this move makes sense on paper. Cyclops and Jean Grey were seen as getting stale. Then again, whose fault is that? It's not like the writers did anything to spice things up between them. It seemed the only way to do so was for them to be torn apart. Now that's a problem. If the only way to make a relationship interesting is to start tearing them apart, then Ike Turner and Tina Turner had the most interesting relationship ever. At least with Cyclops and Jean Grey, the story was fleshed out. Cyclops didn't physically cheat on Jean. Even during the psychic affair, Emma mimicked Jean. And he didn't go with Emma the minute Jean died. He rejected her. Jean had to push him, knowing it sucked for her. But it worked.

For a while, Cyclops/Emma continued to work. Under Joss Whedon they were one of the most interesting romances Marvel ever put together. What made them interesting was that they were so unlike Cyclops and Jean Grey, yet there was still chemistry. Emma was cold, snide, and crass. Cyclops was stiff, brooding, and overbearing. Some fans go so far as to hate Cyclops because he became permanently tainted by cheating on Jean with Emma. That's pushing it because it was psychic in nature. And second, it does help balance out all the lip-locking Jean Grey did with Wolverine. But cheating or not, Cyclops and Emma Frost did work. Then something happened. Joss Whedon left. From then on the Cyclops/Emma relationship has become more annoying than every Justin Long movie ever created.

Cyclops and Emma went from being something quarky and different to being pretty much the same what Cyclops/Jean was. And that, my friends, is what we logical folk call pure whale shit. I get the whole notion of shaking up an iconic relationship. It's been done with every romance ever. But the way Cyclops/Emma has played out makes all the positives it once had seem like the decent drink some mysterious guy bought you before he drugs and date rapes you. Now Emma is essentially a more sexuality Jean Grey. While most men won't argue with an overly sexualized woman in comics, Emma Frost makes it more goofy than hot. She does just what Jean did, standing by Cyclops as his arm candy and supporting him no matter what he does. She even pushes him when he does something that is clearly batshit stupid. Even Jean Grey never went that far. Maybe I'm missing something here, but if you break up an iconic couple like Cyclops/Jean because it got bland only to replace it with a pairing that turns out to have the same problems then why the fuck do you break them up in the first place?! Is it just because someone at Marvel has a preference for blonds instead of redheads? This is the 21st fucking century. We have Photoshop now. You can turn Jean Grey's hair blond and Wolverine's hair pink if you want. You can do that shit without fucking up the characters.

Sorry for my string of curses, but it does piss me off. Cyclops/Jean have something that Cyclops/Emma will never have. They're iconic. Their love story has spanned 40 years. Cyclops/Emma will never be that iconic. Even if it ends up lasting 40 years, it will never escape the fact that it was because of Cyclops/Jean that they got together in the first place. They're only an item because Jean Grey pushed it. Yet some writers like Matt Fraction have the stones to say that somehow Cyclops/Emma is more mature? Does he or anyone even know how to use wikipedia? Cyclops and Jean Grey actually got married, something that hasn't even been mentioned with Cyclops/Emma.

And their marriage worked, regardless of what detractors say. It worked pretty damn well in comic time. They were together for over 12 years if you count the time they spent in the future together. They raised baby Cable during that time. And pretty much every major medium from the cartoons to video games to the movies have Cyclops/Jean together in some capacity. When they don't it causes issues. Remember a joyless little clusterfuck movie called X3 that so many fans hated? Well in that movie they killed Cyclops in the first 15 minutes and tried to replace him with Wolverine. Keep in mind that Wolverine in the movies only knew Jean for a few days yet somehow their love story is supposed to be greater than the love story of Cyclops and Jean, who were together long enough to get engaged? If you think any self-respecting X-men fan would accept that then go back to your meth dealer, cut off his balls, and step on his face for selling you the worst quality shit he had.

Ever since Whedon left, Cyclops/Emma have become the sacred cow that the writers and fans used to love criticizing. They won't do jack shit to shake them up. They always have to be written as being lovey dovey, which was completely the opposite of the relationship Morrison and Whedon developed (which also happened to be the more interesting relationship). Now Emma Frost has essentially been neutered. She's about as witty as Keanu Reeves on Ritalin and about as deep as Adam Sandler's acting. Even when stories that could potentially change things come along such as Emma's past with Namor or her joining Norman Osborn, it doesn't do shit. It always ends up getting swept under the rug so Cyclops and Emma go back to the way things were. Nothing changes, yet this is exactly the kind of bullshit that writers and fans hated Cyclops/Jean Grey for.

So with this in mind, I have to say MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND PEOPLE! If you want to replace Jean with Emma, just say it. Don't take a big steaming dump on a plate and serve it up as chocolate mouse. If you just don't like Jean Grey over Emma Frost or vice versa, fine. But that's no excuse to fuck up a story or a romance that was 40 years in the making. You're not going to replace it and have it be believable. Just as you're not going to undo the stories that have been told. It's not Ultimatum or the fucking Clone Saga. It doesn't involve fucking an entire series up. If that's what you want to do just to force a character or story you want, then you're a douche-bag.

The characters come first and then the stories come second. Biases are third. We all have them. I have them. I don't hide from them nor do I deny them. But whatever my biases, I never sacrifice the story for it. A personal bias can fuck an entire series. Look at One More Day in Spider-Man. Just because some assholes don't like writing a married Spider-Man, they changed it. They didn't just end the marriage. They fucking retconned it. That's like giving someone a pill saying that it'll cure their cancer and all it does is make them shit uncontrollably for 10 days straight. If you like a pairing fine. If you don't that's fine too. It's not an excuse to go at it with a bazooka. There are other more creative and less insulting ways to get what you want in a story. You think Peter Parker asking for a divorce is crossing a line? How about making a deal with a fucking devil? For that alone, Spider-Man is not a hero. He's a shithead. At least Cyclops had the decency to wait for his wife to die before going back to being single.

So in closing, I'll just say that there will always be a place for romance. I enjoy it and will continue to utilize it in X-men Supreme. However, here on the unholiest of holidays known as Valentine's Day I'm compelled to rant a little on all the bullshit that bad romance stories can lead to in comics and fiction in general. We all love the power of love, even if we're too macho to admit it. When love stories are fucked up, that tends to piss people off more than usual. I'm pissed off it's Valentine's Day and I'm also pissed off at how certain relationships are handled in the comics. I do hope it changes. One good thing about comics is the limits of reality aren't in place. All it takes is one good story to bring everything together or make it awesome.

With that in mind I say happy fucking Valentine's Day everybody. Again, sorry for the bitter rant. Just needed to get it out of my system. Nuff said.