Futility, Humility, and Villainy: Magneto #21

The following is my review of Magneto #21, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Every economist, philosopher, and Ayan Rand enthusiast will endlessly debate the color of the sky, but they can usually agree on one thing. People respond to incentives. It doesn't matter if they're Donald Trump or the Dali Llama. If the incentives are right, they'll usually follow what's in their best interests. To do otherwise would be like running a red light during rush hour. It's just plain stupid and helps nobody's agenda, unless they work for an insurance company.

Every now and then, the incentives will align themselves in a way that makes even the most unrepentant villain into a hero. Sometimes those incentives have to be pretty extensive. If someone like Lex Luthor and Thanos are going to save kittens from trees, they need a very good reason and one that serves their typical villainous interests.

For someone like Magneto, however, the incentives don't have to be extensive. He's still not the kind of guy who can be bribed or sweet-talked into being a hero, but he does tend to be more reasonable than most. That's a big part of what makes him an interesting and likable character, although his likability is often limited by how well the Michael Fassbenders and Ian McKellens of the world can portray.

Throughout Cullen Bunn's exploration of Magneto in the post Avengers vs. X-men era (or the current Fox vs. Marvel era as it were), he's forged this villain/anti-hero persona who navigates a vast gray area between being a semi-hero and being a jerk. Magneto will do things that even Wolverine will hesitate to do on his worst day, but he'll do it for the right reasons. And it's because he's entrenched in this gray area that the narrative of Magneto #21 is so compelling.

The world is ending. Secret Wars is about to begin and the only one making a concerted effort to stop it at this point is Magneto. It's a rare situation where all the right incentives are in place. The Avengers, the X-men, the Fantastic Four, and Squirrel Girl have failed. There's nobody left to stop the final incursion. But Magneto is in a position to do something about it. Sure, it requires him to usurp power from Polaris his only non-retconned daughter, but he's willing to do that and not apologize for it. That's what makes him Magneto.

It's that unapologetic, I'll-do-what-I-need-to-do-and-be-as-mean-as-I-need-to-be attitude that highlights the best and worst of Magneto. Throughout the course of this story, it's just him staring down the oncoming incursion the same way a cow stares at an oncoming train. As he's doing this, others including Polaris are watching him. And they're hoping he succeeds. These are the same people who he once terrified as the mutant equivalent of Jason Vorhees. It's a strange situation for both sides, but one that feels oddly appropriate for the situation.

This sentiment is reinforced by a series of flashback scenes that remind readers that Magneto is definitively NOT a hero. Cullen Bunn goes out of his way to make this abundantly clear so that there's no ambiguity. This is still the man who tried to launch a nuclear attack against the human race. This is still the man who ripped the adamantium out of Wolverine's body and probably enjoyed every second of it. This is a man for whom the cries of his enemies are like the opening chords to Stairway to Heaven. And yet, he's also a man who will save the world when called upon.

It's the ultimate culmination of the journey that Cullen Bunn has given Magneto over the course of this series. It's a journey that has kept Magneto in this nebulous gray area between being the kind of guy who rubs elbows with Cyclops and being the kind of guy who strangles Cyclops in his dreams. In the end, even as he's trying to save the world, Magneto remains in this area. He never tries to go full-villain or full-hero either. Like Lady Gaga's fashion sense, he just does things his way.

His methods are cruel. His personality is harsher than a Russian winter. But at the end of the day, Magneto still wants to create a world for his people where they don't have to endure the cruelty that he did. It's a goal that allowed him to be both a friend and an enemy of the X-men. It's also a goal that put him in a position to be the only one who has a chance at stopping the final incursion. Like Gordon Gecko, he's as good as he needs to be and not a fraction more.

There's plenty of depth on Magneto's motivations. There's plenty of details on why he does what he does. However, some of those details are a bit narrow in that they don't focus much on Polaris or his former children in the Maximoff twins. And no amount of depth and detail can change the fact that he spends the entire issue just hovering in mid-air playing a game of chicken with an incursion. 

As such, this is an issue that needs to be taken within the context of the entire series. On it's own, it's just an issue of Magneto having no regrets for anything he did, even as he's saving the world. That in and of itself is still a pretty compelling story, but it's a story that doesn't have the same impact without the cumulative impact from the previous issues. Like someone who has only seen the second half of the Matrix, it's going to feel incomplete and confusing at times.

In the end, Magneto can't stop the final incursion. However, Magneto #21 details his struggle and puts it in just the right context. There's no ambiguity as to why Magneto is doing what he's doing. There's no final realization or change of heart either. To his dying breath, he's still Magneto and he still makes no apologies for anything he's done. He might not be the kind of guy anyone would hire to babysit their kids. However, Cullen Bunn's run on this series has proven that this is the kind of guy you want on your side.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

X-men Supreme Reflections: Lorna Dane is LIVE!

I'm sure X-men fans everywhere are still excited with the box office success of X-men: Days of Futures Past and I hope that excitement extends into the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. It's a great time to be an X-men fan. They have a successful movie and the comics are still going strong. I hope to add to it this summer with some significant developments in X-men Supreme. I am still hard at work on X-men Supreme Volume 5, but I have two more vital entries into X-men Supreme Reflections before that story can begin. Both these reflections will involve characters that promise to play an important role in the future events of this fanfiction series. And Polaris has been playing just such a role since the earliest days of X-men Supreme.

Few characters have faced the kind of upheaval as Lorna Dane. When she first entered the picture, she was just Iceman's love interest. Then she became Magneto's estranged daughter. Then her mother fell ill and she became desperate to save her. Then she became the only one who could get through to Magneto when he was at his most powerful. Polaris' influence in X-men Supreme has been great, but her future remains unclear. She has never truly favored a side in the conflict between the X-men and the Brotherhood of Mutants. At times, she has fought alongside the X-men. In other instances, she has fought alongside the Brotherhood. But she has always been caught up in the heat of the conflict in some form or another. How does she deal with all this conflict? That's something I haven't had a chance to really explore in X-men Supreme, but that's what I intend to do here.

Polaris has been a reluctant participant in many of the conflicts throughout this fanfiction series. Unlike her half-siblings, Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch, she did not grow up with Magneto influencing her. She was raised by a single mother who struggled with severe health problems. Her mother saw in Magneto some good that was worth saving. Polaris had to see it as well during conflicts such as Overlord, but that good wasn't enough to save him during later conflicts, such as the Cambrian Explosion. Now her future is uncertain and for the events she'll be facing in X-men Supreme Volume 5, it's important to know how she got to this point and what is still driving her.

X-men Supreme Reflections: Lorna Dane

Polaris is one of those characters that has taken on many different roles since the X-men Supreme fanfiction series began. Every character undergoes a certain level of evolution. Some evolve more drastically than others. And Polaris is just one of the characters that will undergo some significant evolution in X-men Supreme Volume 5. That evolution is a big part of their appeal as characters. That's why it's so important that I get feedback from readers regarding the development of these characters. These are characters that inspire a lot of passion among fans. The X-men movies have proven that and I want to excite those passions in X-men Supreme. So please take the time to post feedback of this and any other issue in the official comments section or contact me directly. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

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X-men Supreme Reflections: Lorna Dane PREVIEW and New Commission

The X-men Supreme fanfiction series has been unfolding since January 1, 2010, and in that time it has had its share of tragedies. Throughout the X-men mythos, there are many characters who are defined by the tragedies that have shaped their lives and their character. Some of the most famous stories in the history of X-men, such as the Phoenix Saga, are built on tragedies. Some of the most famous characters in all of comics, from Batman to Spider-Man, are shaped by tragedy. There are times I feel that too much weight is given to tragedy when developing a character, but the very nature of tragedy makes it difficult to get around. It will always have a profound influence of sorts. And few characters in X-men Supreme have been more defined by tragedy than Lorna Dane.

When I first introduced her, she was merely Iceman's love interest, a cute teenage girl with green hair who just happened to have mutant powers similar to Magneto's. Naturally, I didn't beat around the bush with her origins. I made revealed early on that Polaris is Magneto's daughter and the half-sister to Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. But I didn't want that to be the most defining aspect of her character. I wanted her to have a different motivation in this fanfiction series. That's what led me to develop the story around her mother's illness and her subsequent death. This tragedy, which became part of the emotional upheaval at the end of the Overlord arc, is what put Polaris on her current path. She is part of the Brotherhood of Mutants and served as an emotional anchor for Magneto up until the events of the Cambrian. This role and everything that led to it is full of so much emotion and loss, which is why I've made her the next subject of X-men Supreme Reflections.

There's a lot to explore with Polaris. In many ways, she has undergone the most emotional strain of any character since the beginning of this fanfiction series. So much of her life has been disrupted by forces beyond her control. Yet she didn't lose herself or make excuses. I think that's a big reason why she can reach someone like Magneto when nobody else can. Now in wake of the events of X-men Supreme Volume 4: Politics of Fear, she has to deal with a tragedy of another kind. As hard as she tried to save her father, she couldn't stop him. The reason she left her old life behind is now gone. So what does that mean for her in the future of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series? That's something that will factor heavily into her reflection. I've prepared a preview that should offer some insight into the world of Lorna Dane in X-men Supreme.

As I entered my teen years my mom did step back a little so I could grow. I’m not sure if this was her choice either. She had been dealing with some health issues that I thought were just minor at the time. I had no idea it was so much worse than that. How could I when my own body seemed to be turning against me?

Being in an overprotective environment, I lacked the social skills most kids my age had. By the time I was 15 and entered high school, I was so far behind that I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed. That’s not a good environment to be in when you have latent mutant powers. It was only a matter of time before they flared up. I wish I could say it happened during something traumatic or terrifying. That seems to be the case with a lot of other mutants. Not me though. My powers first showed up during an stupid Algebra exam.

It wasn’t some test that would have determined my future. It was just a test I didn’t study enough for. I came in knowing I was behind and really stressing since it was close to midterms. I tried to stay calm, but then I actually saw the test and it all went downhill from there. I was so paralyzed I began to hyperventilate. My palms got sweaty and my head started throbbing. At first it felt like a migraine. It was like there was this pressure around me pushing down on me and I didn’t know how to push back. It got worse and worse with each passing moment. I was so frustrated I didn’t notice that all the metal in the room started shaking.

Eventually, the pressure was bearing down on me so badly I had to push back. And by push, I mean I clenched my fists and outright shoved. When I did, all the metal that had been vibrating literally flung itself across the room. Since everybody’s chairs were made of metal, it caught them all by surprise. The whole room turned into a scene from a ghost movie and the only one not terrified was me. When it was all over with the metal from the chairs, pens, and paperclips had converged in the center of the room right in front of me into this twisted metal ball. It was at that point it finally dawned on me. I was the one doing this. That pressure I felt wasn’t a migraine. It was my powers.

It was probably the most confused and frightened I had ever been. It could have been a lot worse if someone knew it was me, but nobody managed to connect the dots. As far as they were concerned, this was just one of those bizarre events that couldn’t be explained. The only positive that came out of it was that the exam was canceled and I would get to retake it. But grades were the last thing on my mind. I had a much bigger problem to stress over.

When I got home that day, I locked myself in my room and curled up on my bed. My mom was still at work and I had no one else to turn to. I must have laid still in a fetal position for a full hour. The whole time I kept feeling that same pressure. I didn’t know what to make of it and I kept praying that it would go away. When I finally accepted that this thing wasn’t going anywhere, I stood up and confronted it. I tried to be brave for once. That same adventurous spirit I had back in Paris that day hadn’t completely left me. I’m glad because I needed it to get a grip on myself.

For the next few hours I experimented. I figured out that by pushing and pulling on this pressure I could make metal move. It wasn’t all that coordinated at first, but it was a start. When it erased my ipod I figured out that this was some kind of magnetism. A few internet searches later and I was convinced. I was a mutant. I didn’t know how to take that. All about mutants at the time was that they were a hot button issue. People were really afraid of them and after what happened at school, I couldn’t blame them.

When my mom got home that day, I told her everything. I figured this wasn’t something I could keep from her and that she would be loving and understanding like she always was. That was another bad assumption on my part. When she saw what I could do, I could literally see all the color in her face disappeared. It was like she saw Jesus himself. I don’t think she said a word for a full ten minutes. She just stood there, her hand over her mouth gasping.

At first I was really worried. Was she really that disgusted with me? Was me being a mutant going to destroy our family? All sorts of dire outcomes went through my mind. My fears were somewhat laid to rest when my mom finally threw her arms around me and hugged me like she always did. That made everything a bit better. She also started sobbing uncontrollably.

“My little miracle…my special little girl.”

Again, I didn’t understand and I didn’t care to. I know now that my mom figured out the truth long before I did. I could have probed deeper. It would have been the perfect time to ask all these burning questions about who I was and where I came from. I’m pretty sure my mom would have told me the truth as well. I could have learned that Magneto was that father that day. My mother didn’t lie to me. I just never demanded the truth. I was comfortable not knowing…too comfortable.

I also have a quick update for the pics section. In the nearly five years since the X-men Supreme fanfiction series began, I've made a few friends. Some of them are generous enough to provide the feedback I ask for every week. One of them, Callum, was dedicated enough to submit some fanart that I proudly added to the pics section. Thank you, Callum! And as always, anyone out there who wishes to submit artwork and receive my undying praise, please contact me.

X-men Supreme Official Panels

Like every character in X-men Supreme, I've tried to treat Polaris with the utmost care. That has involved changing a number of things about her history and giving her roles that she has never had in the comics or cartoons. But I always strive to ensure that a character remains true to their core. Polaris might not be on the same level as Wolverine or even the Scarlet Witch, but she has a place in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series and it's important that I ensure this place works. So please, whether you’re a Polaris fan or not, take the time to provide feedback so that I know I'm doing her justice. Either post it in the comments section or contact me directly and send it. I'm always happy to chat X-men and story development. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

Corporatizing Heroes: All New X-Factor #1

The following is my review of All New X-Factor #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Corporations have gotten a bad rap in recent decades and to be fair, they’ve earned that rap. For many people, they embody the materialistic greed and narcissistic excess that feed the egos of every Gordon Gecko wannabe. But those same people probably will never admit to all the good that corporations have done for them. The same burned out hippies that protest corporate greed often blog about their outrage on computers sold to them by one corporation while wearing clothes sold by another. It’s a very soft kind of hypocrisy. It’s like a vegetarian that likes to wrap their carrot sticks in bacon.

Contrary to popular belief, corporations can actually do a lot of good. Apple, Google, Starbucks, Boeing, and Amazon all help people by providing them things they can’t get on their own. They’re not heroes because they don’t do it for free. Sometimes, corporations want to be seen as heroes. But corporations can never be heroes in the same way a thief can never be honest. That’s not to say corporations can’t provide the basis for heroics. Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne are the most well-documented cases of a rich corporate leaders using their wealth and power to serve the greater good. But these are two tales that were forged from the bygone era created by Howard Hughes and Thomas Edison. Now in All New X-Factor #1, a new team of X-men attempts to forge a new tale in the era of Bernie Madoff, Enron, and Goldman Sachs.

It’s a dramatic shift from other recent X-men titles and that’s actually a good thing. At a time when the X-men are divided between Team Cyclops and Team Wolverine, there needs to be a third alternative where characters can take a more novel approach to being X-men. Historically, X-Factor has functioned in its own unique way. It exists in its own little corner of the X-men world, so much so that it has become somewhat detached at times. In that sense All New X-Factor #1 is perfectly positioned to take such a novel approach.

As the first issue of this new era in the annuls of X-Factor, it spends a fair amount of time establishing a new cast of characters for this team. Many of these characters are not D-Listers or complete unknowns either. Gambit, Polaris, and Quicksilver have all had prominent roles with the X-men in the past. However, their roles have been diminished in recent years. Some had their solo series get canceled. Some got kicked off their other teams. And some just went crazy, which is to be expected from time to time in the Marvel universe. This series provides them a new platform to contribute to the X-men.

But in the same way Batman can’t run the Batcave on determination alone, X-Factor can’t be competent heroes without a few resources. This is where their new corporate sponsor comes in and in this new series, it is basically presented as its own character. The corporation that enlists X-Factor is called Serval Industries. It may sound more generic than 95 percent of the companies on the New York Stock Exchange, but they have their hand in weapons manufacturing and internet search. So in a modern context, they probably have more than enough money and resources to provide X-Factor with everything they need, except for maybe a dental plan and inexpensive health care.

There’s still the question of why a corporation would want to support a superhero team. Many corporations go to great lengths to never be mentioned in the news except when it involves their stock price. But Harrison Snow, the CEO of Serval, claims he wants to help X-Factor because they’re in the business of helping people. On some level’s he’s not wrong. Corporations need to help people if they’re to make their money. They’re not like the IRS in that they can just barge into peoples’ houses with guns and demand their money, although some corporations probably wish they had that power. But corporations still have to turn a profit and it’s not clear how supporting X-Factor will help Serval.

Harrison Snow draws some comparisons with Tony Stark, but doesn’t convey the same charisma. He’s certainly no Bill Gates or Steve Jobs either. But he makes the argument that if countries and international organizations can support heroes, then why can’t corporations? They already own some governments so in some ways, Snow is just skipping a step. He never mentions profit and he never mentions business either. Maybe in a different era, he would have been given the benefit of the doubt. But in this era of government bailouts and overpaid CEOs, it’s hard to get a feel for who this character is. And that’s exactly what makes him and this new setup for X-Factor interesting.

While Harrison Snow is a mystery, the new cast of X-Factor is both familiar and satisfying. Gambit, Polaris, and Quicksilver say outright in some areas that they don’t fit in with the other X-men anymore. They need to find their own place and X-Factor is giving them a chance to do just that. They even have a new threat to deal with in AIM. It’s a threat that’s as generic as the name of the company that supports them, but maybe that’s the point. Like NASCAR drivers with company logos painted on their racers, they know where they stand and what they’re getting into.

At its core, All New X-Factor #1 sets up a new business plan for X-Factor. It’s like a company that is being restructured in order to enter a new industry. Apple did it when they entered the cell phone business. Now X-Factor is doing it with Serval. It brings together several characters that are in need of a new outlet for being X-men while not getting too bogged down in emotional baggage. As a business model, it remains to be seen whether it will be profitable in a literal or figurative manner. But it succeeds in presenting a novel approach into a series that has already distinguished itself in that field. X-Factor is still a long ways from being the next iPhone, but it’s off to a good start.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: All New X-Factor #1

When it comes to consistency in X-men comics, Peter David is like Brett Favre, minus the sexting scandal. There have been a lot of shake-ups and fuck-ups over the past decade with X-men. Hell, I've covered a good deal of them. But Peter David has always been quietly going about his business, churning out consistent awesome with X-Factor. I know I've never reviewed one of his comics on this blog. I just can't get drunk enough to go on a sufficiently insightful rant, but I don't deny for a second that X-Factor is a consistently awesome supplement to the X-men library. It was also the last series to be ended and effectively relaunched. Peter David is still the writer, but now he gets to slap a brand spanking new #1 on X-Factor. That should give any experienced X-men fan a nice boner so I’ll be keeping my pants nice and loose for this review.

As with every new relaunch, there must be something or someone who needs to have their ass kicked. X-Factor is like any other X-men team. They take on that special breed of asshole that jerks off to the sight of suffering mutants. So it makes sense that on the first page of this first issue of this relaunched series, we’re introduced to just such an asshole. He’s basically a mix of Dexter and clichéd Weapon X guy. He and a buddy are experimenting on an innocent, albeit unknown, mutant who would rather be locked in a room with polar bear on crystal meth. But it’s not enough that they’re tormenting a mutant. They’re doing it with the kind of casual attitude that I usually reserve for ordering Taco Bell after midnight. These are basically the kind of guys that deserved to be horribly maimed by the X-men so why not let a new team take a crack at them?

That team still doesn’t exist though. The X-Factor that Jamie Madrox has been running for years is officially closed for business. However, that doesn’t mean there aren’t a few X-men who are too busy to pick up where Multiple left off. And some X-men have more free time than others. Hell, some haven’t been doing jack shit in the other books while others have had their solo series get canceled. It’s one of the drawbacks of having a team as big as the X-men. There are only so many comics with which to cover these characters and the audience has an attention span only as long as the last Duck Dynasty scandal. It presents a special challenge for X-Factor, but it actually does have some notable names to work with.

Gambit is one of those characters that seems to soak the panties of a certain segment of fans, but he has never been able to function on a major title consistently. When he’s not trying to bang Rogue, he’s basically an afterthought. And it turns out that when he has no Rogue to bang, he reverts back to some of his old habits, like breaking into some rich guy’s house and stealing a mystical artifact that could open the gates of Hell itself. Since there are already several of those in the Marvel universe, Wolverine catches up with Gambit and informs him that he needs to find a better hobby. He’s supposed to be a teacher at the Jean Grey Institute, but all he has been teaching lately is how to ditch class. And trust me, most teenagers don’t need a class to learn that shit. Wolverine does come off as a bit of an asshole for barging in, ruining Gambit’s score, and chewing him out for not doing his job, but he’s not wrong. Gambit has been MIA from every major X-men event lately and he’s not keeping himself busy in a very healthy way.

This provides some nice insight into Gambit. For anyone who hasn’t been keeping up with the shit that has happened to him lately, and that ain’t much, this offers a perfect recap of sorts to help readers understand where he’s coming from. There’s some hints about what he did in his solo series and a mention of the Thieve’s Guild, which is a big part of his history. It’s not telling die-hard Gambit fans anything they don’t already know and jerk off to, but it does provide a base for his character.

And at the moment, that character isn’t really sure what to do with himself. Teaching at the Jean Grey Institute just isn’t doing it for him anymore. He’s a lifelong thief. Asking him to settle down and be content with teachings snot-nosed teenagers is like asking a crack head to invest their savings wisely. So Gambit does what I often do and drowns his sorrows in a bar, but not before doing a little property damage. Usually it’s the other way around for me, but I don’t see why both approaches couldn’t work. He only seems to be partially drunk as he probably fantasizes about pouring acid down Wolverine’s throat for talking down to him like a child, but then Polaris shows up and gives him a better reason to get drunk. She has a new opportunity for him and it doesn’t involve listening to teenagers bitch and moan about homework.

Now Polaris is another one of those characters who hasn’t been a major player, but she did play a large part in the latter issues of X-Factor. She kind of went a bit insane and broke up with Havok. Then again, I think every character in the Marvel universe deserves to go insane at some point. She now seems to have her shit together again. However, there isn’t much of an explanation of how she suddenly became sane again. Her recent history isn’t as detailed as Gambit’s, but she is the one who apparently is setting up this new team so I’m willing to overlook that. Plus, she looks fucking hot in that new uniform. That always is a bonus in my book.

She invites Gambit to join her at a coffee shop, probably because she understands that few successful partnerships that don’t involve one night stands and broken jaw bones ever begin in a bar. She then listens to him bitch about how Wolverine wants him to be an upstanding, boring ass teacher who never steals anything. Polaris looks like she just found pictures of Channing Tatum’s abs because she wastes no time in inviting Gambit to take a trip with her. They even get to fly on a fancy private jet. Sure, that jet gets shot at by a missile. But in the Marvel universe, if someone isn’t trying to shoot them out of the sky, then someone isn’t being heroic enough.

Along the way, Polaris explains that the jet actually belongs to a company called Serval Industries. They’re basically a typical faceless entity that has their hands in weapons manufacturing and internet search. They’re basically a cross between Google and Stark Industries. Now they’ve also decided to get into the superhero business. Sure, that means some people will want to shoot at them with rockets, but that’s probably no less hazardous than being probed by the FTC.

They arrive at their headquarters in Virginia where they have a base of operations that Google would probably be proud of. It looks like a fairly typical business, so much so that Gambit takes a chance to do some pick-pocketing. Like I said, he’s a thief at heart and he’s not going to stop so long as there’s no naked Rogue to keep him occupied. But in terms of a base of operations, this is the kind of facility that’s equipped in a way second only to the Playboy Mansion. There’s still the matter of why the fuck a successful company would want to have its own team of superheroes. I imagine those resources are probably better spent on lobbyists, but I guess this would fall under the category of thinking outside the box. It worked for Apple. Why not these guys?

They then meet Harrison Snow, the President and CEO of Serval Industries. He’s no Steve Jobs or Bill Gates. Hell, he looks more like a Tony Stark wannabe, which he freely admits is the public perception. But he seems dead serious about setting up this new team. He even went through the trouble of buying the rights to X-Factor from Multiple. I mean when is the last time any hero got paid for their superhero team that didn’t involve merchandising? He still comes off as someone who is about as honest as a tobacco lobbyist, but he does make a few semi-logical arguments. Countries and transnational organizations have superheroes. So why not rich corporations? Sure, they already run countries, but why not skip a step? He claims his company is in the business of helping others and X-Factor will just help that purpose. He makes it sound so noble, but it’s hard to take him seriously when he’s wearing a suit that probably cost more than my last five paychecks.

Whether Harrison Snow is being noble or not, he still believes that X-Factor will serve his company. He has even started expanding his team, enlisting Quicksilver while Polaris was out recruiting Gambit. He’s yet another character that has been MIA from major X-men stories for a while. But he also has a history of being a villain, an Avenger, and an overall douche-bag. I suppose every superhero team needs someone like that. Just look at Wolverine. There’s still the matter of Polaris trying to kill Quicksilver the last time they met, but he seems willing to chalk that up to booze, bad weather, and bad moods. If only my parole officer was so forgiving. Quicksilver does try to explain himself and like Polaris, it’s not a very detailed explanation. But it at least makes clear that he’s not a total asshat and is trying to be a hero again. Since the Avengers are overcrowded and the X-men aren’t about to overlook his bullshit, he might as well take a chance with X-Factor.

It seems like there’s a lot of boring chit chat going into setting up this new team. Most of this issue consists of characters talking about how dissatisfied they are with their current situation in the Marvel universe and are in need of an upgrade. It may not be as exciting as watching Wolverine decapitate Apocalypse, but it establishes a few layers of detail with the story that set the foundation for what this new era in X-Factor will be. One of X-Factor’s greatest strengths historically is that attention to detail and while it may not be as thrilling as a roller coaster, it makes the story more engaging.

And with an engaging story, the action is even more satisfying when it finally happens. After the awkwardness between Polaris and Quicksilver settles, they set out on their first mission. It’s pretty standard. They have to hunt down an exceedingly unethical biologist named Dr. Terrance Hoffman, who may or may not be spooning AIM. They find his facility, they start blowing his shit up, and they do it in a way that’s very satisfying. It’s a little rushed, but the details that led up to it are what make it fun.

As for Dr. Hoffman himself, he’s still as casual about tormenting mutants as I am about tormenting bags of potato chips after several bong hits. He’s about ready to operate on an innocent mutant without anesthesia and he’s about to do it with a goddamn smile on his face. Then when he’s told that they’re under attack by mutants, he doesn’t look all that threatened. Hell, he looks like a kid whose parents just told him there’s a freshly baked cake in his bedroom. He’s just begging to be this new X-Factor’s first success. He’ll probably help boost Serval Industries’s stock in the process. I usually don’t like when corporations exploit heroes to turn a profit, but in some cases I’m more than happy to make an exception.

This comic has many messages and themes. The most prominent of all is basically, “The hippies were full of shit.” There’s no question that we live in a world of corporations act like dicks and make it their mission to shove said dicks into the asses of its customers and the mouths of the politicians that assist them. But like it or not, corporations are capable of doing good. Do we not owe greedy corporations some credit for creating the computers that so many people rely on to binge watch Netflix or download unlimited amounts of porn? Well in All New X-Factor #1, a corporation has decided to dip their hands in the superhero business. Serval Industries may look like a Google wannabe, but it has effectively set up a new X-Factor. And while I’m as inclined to trust a rich CEO as much as I’m inclined to trust the IRS, Serval has created a unique and interesting new setting for X-Factor. While this issue did drag in a few parts, it was nicely detailed and almost as engaging as a living blow-job machine. I give All New X-Factor #1 an 8 out of 10. I’m still not sure if I would invest in Seval Industries if I was an overpaid Hedge Fund manager. But if corporations are going to be dicks, they might as well squeeze in a few heroics. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #259 - Penultimate Mystery Awesome

The end of an era is always vulnerable to a certain level of fucked upedness. When someone spends a long time on something, they tend to embody it to the point that stepping down becomes a bit of a spectacle. Just ask Brett Favre. Okay, bad example and too many dick joke connotations. What I'm trying to get at with my drunken ramblings is that Mike Carey has pretty much defined X-men Legacy. His long tenure has been so thoroughly awesome that it's hard to imagine this series thriving without him. It's going to have to very soon because there's only one two-issue arc left in his legendary run. This arc is part epilogue and part prologue because it tackles the events immediately proceeding Schism. It's a pretty important part of the ongoing X-men mythos, but like the unfortunate cars in every Michael Bay movie the story is bound to be lost in the spectacle of Mike Carey's departure.

I've made my opinions on Mike Carey's run pretty clear since I started reviewing comics in between binge drinking and writing X-men Supreme. He's been one of the most consistent X-men writers in decades. He has Chris Claremont's longevity without Matt Fraction's personality quirks. Like Tom Brady in the pocket, he goes about his business with a cool and collected style. Granted, I'm sure Mike Carey wishes he could include the part where he knocks up Brazilian supermodels, but that's besides the point. X-men Legacy #258 marked the end of his last big arc. It brought Havok, Rachel, and Polaris back to Earth after a nearly four-year hiatus. And it was Mike Carey at his best. Now with X-men Legacy #259, he begins his last arc and it doesn't involve nearly as much sci-fi shoot 'em ups. It's a bittersweet notion that he's finally getting ready to say goodbye to the series that he made so awesome, but no one will blame him if he doesn't care to restrict his brilliance to X-men comics.

The final arc of Mike Carey's run is like his previous arc in the sense that it takes place before much of the Regensis comics. For a while now it seems as though X-men Legacy has been like the state of Mississippi. It's so behind the times that it still thinks Jesus road dinosaurs in his battle against Judas's homosexual inter-racial army of abortion doctors. But with the return of Havok, Rachel, and Polaris the series is finally catching up. Now it was already touched on during the X-men Regenesis one-shot what Rogue, Gambit, Magneto, Frenzy and the rest of the Legacy crew decided. This just fleshes it out a bit more.

It starts with Rogue as Mike Carey's books so often do. She hasn't left Utopia yet. She and Gambit take a break from humping to Mardi Gras music to reflect on all the shit that's happened under Cyclops's leadership. She touches on everything from the Messiah Trilogy to Necrosha to Dark Reign. It isn't just for the sake of a random Family Guy style flashback either. She recalls these events because they show how Cyclops has led the X-men effectively enough for them to...you know, survive. And just walking away from that isn't easy and it really shouldn't be. But Gambit being the overly pragmatic scoundrel that he is at heart reminds her that like the NFL, the X-men are a very what-have-you-done-for-me-lately type team and Cyclops has screwed the pooch a bit too hard this time. Insert whatever Bestiality joke you want from that.

In an effort to unscrew the pooch or at least help the pooch cope with the trauma, Cyclops gets a long overdue visit from his brother. It's the kind of reunion that has been years in the making. Havok now knows what happened while he and Polaris were of humping in deep space. We don't get to see his reaction to shit like moving to the West Coast, forging Utopia, and the Mutant Messiah. But that would probably just consist of one page of him picking his jaw up off the floor. The events of Schism are far more pressing. He doesn't belittle his brother as brothers are so inclined to do. He tries to encourage Cyclops to find some middle ground with Wolverine. In his mind there's no need for a schism. It just goes to show he's been gone a long time.

Now I may be getting ahead of myself here, but I might as well bring it up. This is the closest this comic even gets to showing Rachel, Havok, and Polaris's reaction to all the shit that's gone down since they've been gone. No one mentions Hope Summers. No one brings up Norman Osborn or Professor Xavier's absence. It's a deeply underwhelming and disappointing development because some of this shit really shouldn't be ignored. I think someone needs to stand up and point out that the mutant messiah looks way too much like Jean Grey and if she's flaring the Phoenix Force, then that should be brought up too. Not to mention, Cyclops's father kind of died during Havok, Polaris, and Rachel's space excursion. So did Lilandra. None of that is brought up. It's a really fucked up omission and one there were plenty of chances to address. If that pisses you off too much, then you might as well stop reading this issue because it'll only piss you off more and I have enough people suing me at the moment.

Cyclops and Havok's chat only reinforces that everyone is taking sides. Some aren't as certain as others. Rogue is one of them. While she's wrestling with her decision, she pays Magneto a visit and thankfully it's not a booty call. He actually offers an insightful explanation as to why he's choosing to stay on Cyclops's team and it's not unreasonable. He sees Wolverine as too reckless. He believes Cyclops is a better leader and he's willing to follow him. But that's not enough for Rogue. She's struggling to see things from his point of view so in an effort to show that his balls are still barely contained by his old and wrinkly scrotum, he offers Rogue to drain him and not like your typical love interest either. She takes him up on his offer. However, it doesn't offer her the insight she was hoping for. In fact, it exposes a lingering crisis that followed them back from deep space.

Rogue explains to Cyclops and a number of X-men regulars that a psychic presence followed them through the wormhole they traveled through on their way back. Emma Frost actually confirms that another mutant signature made it through and that's cause for concern. You know, besides the massive space station of war-loving aliens. So Cyclops orders a scan of everyone in order to isolate the presence. But like every economic outlook since 2008, the results are negative. Then Dr. Nemesis shows that in addition to being an asshole, he also has an eye for the unusual. He takes a look at Korvus's sword, also known as the Phoenix Sword. As if the name alone wasn't cause for concern. Granted, the Phoenix Force left that sword during the War of Kings arc, but it's still enough to make Emma Frost soak her panties and not in a good way.

Cyclops and Emma confer with their science team. They explain that the Phoenix Sword was altered during their trip through the wormhole. Fragments of a mutant mind managed to latch onto it. Some speculate that it could be Jean Grey's mind, but let's face it. This is Marvel we're talking about here. They won't even begin to sew the seeds of Jean Grey possibly returning. Plus, Emma Frost would be much more of a bitch than usual if she knew that was the case. Instead, they conclude that the sword is like an anchor of sorts for a presence and it's too much of a pussy to let go. Or something to that effect.

So after enlisting help from Blindfold, the X-men put together a plan to seek out and confront this presence. Emma uses her second best asset after her tits to aid Blindfold in finding out more of this presence. It's all somewhat ambiguous, but not in the classic Matrix sort of way. The presence reads like something from Dante's Inferno or anyone that's ever passed out drunk in the middle of the day on Miami beach without sunscreen. There's a lot of burning. Apparently, this presence was about to die, but decided that death probably sucked ass and turned around. Except it got stuck halfway. It's more than a little fucked up, but given how death works in the Marvel universe I wouldn't be surprised if the Grim Reaper worked for the DMV.

Since the X-men aren't big in letting someone suffer in disjointed agony, Rogue offers to take the next illogical step. Since she detected the presence when she absorbed Magneto in a very non-sexual way, it stands to reason that she can gather more pieces if she absorbs everyone else who was on Gul Damar. Again, in a non-sexual way. Along the way Rogue even chats with Frenzy, who seems to have made up her mind. Despite being an epic hardass, she's going with Wolverine. She just doesn't care to be in a war zone anymore and she's too repulsed at the thought of Cyclops and Emma swapping body fluids. It gives Rogue something else to think about other than some disembodied presence.

After absorbing the pieces, she touches the Phoenix Sword last. Like anyone who has ever mixed Cialis with vodka, it has an unexpected side-effect. The last piece opened up a gateway with the sword that Rogue describes as completing a circuit. It opens a door to a world. It confirms that the Phoenix Sword has more uses other than just having a name that makes Emma shake in her overpriced shoes. It's actually a gateway, one that didn't quite make it from the other end of the wormhole on Gul Damar. And Rogue, being the ballsy woman she is, decides to take a look around despite the natural inclination to want to avoid a fiery gateway.

As soon as she enters, she's confronted by a a disembodied fiery spirit. Could it be? Is this fiery woman the missing pieces of Jean Grey? Has Marvel actually stopped fucking with fans on that subject? Of course not. That would make way too much sense. It turns out that figure is Ariel. Who is Ariel? She's just some D-list character that was killed off during Second Coming. It was horribly glossed over, even for a lesser known character. But it's indeed her and Rogue assures her that they'll get her out. Then she can start kicking the asses of everyone who pretty much brushed off her death while they mourned Nightcrawler.

So once again, another dead character not named Jean Grey is back yet she still utilizes Jean Grey's imagery. I want to be overly outraged about this, but I find myself just rolling my eyes and saying "Really Marvel? Seriously? You're butt-fucking THAT worn out corpse again?" But I digress. For an issue that has been mostly talk, it's a nice shot of action. Given that the last arc involved alien armies and a space station falling into a fucking sun, a smaller-scale conflict is somewhat welcome. It allows some of these mysteries regarding the Phoenix Sword and their little trip from Shi'ar country to develop. Even so, the imagery at the end makes you wonder if Marvel artists are banging whoever is running the makers of Xerox copiers.

While this issue had plenty of dramatic elements, it seemed to overlook some in favor of creating new ones. One of the biggest appeals this issue had going in was seeing the reactions from Havok, Rachel, and Polaris regarding all the changes since they've been gone. Well didn't get much reaction. The conversation with Havok and Cyclops was nice and all, but at no point was it ever shown how fucked up they may or may not have been after hearing what has happened to the X-men. We never even got to see their reactions to Hope Summers. Given how often Rachel complains about her mommy, that sounds like it would be a pretty big issue to overlook. Now Mike Carey could address it in the next issue, but it still feels like a missed opportunity.

I still enjoy Mike Carey's style and I'm trying to savor it for his last arc. This issue highlighted his ability to focus on certain character-based plots and further explore how others reacted to the events of Schism. The plot with Ariel was a nice bonus, but it still distracted from other looming plots that were essentially cast to the wayside. So while logistically speaking this comic is pretty solid, the sheer breadth of missed opportunities really brings it down. That's why I give X-men Legacy #259 a 3 out of 5. Mike Carey has one issue left to end his run on a high note. I hope he takes advantage of it the same way Charlie Sheen takes advantage of hookers who don't want to pay for their own drugs anymore. His run has been legendary on a great many levels, but there's one more left to overcome. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #258 - Homecoming Awesome

There are some things in life you don't mind being late. Your tax bill, your alimony payment notices, and the first day of school come to mind. Normally, I would add unresolved plot holes from my favorite comics to that list as well. There was a time where the X-books had a large 900-pound-gorilla in the corner of a room throwing shit in the face of every X-men fan. That gorilla was the absence of Rachel, Havok, and Polaris. These characters were launched into space way back when the old Bush Jr. was still in office and before the housing market collapsed. After they were left to rot in space for a few years, Mike Carey finally polished his large brass balls and took up the challenge of bringing them back in the picture. And wouldn't you know it? He's turned it into a damn good story.

What's made this arc so incredible is that the more you read it, the less pissed you become that it's taken this long for Rachel, Havok, and Polaris to show up again. Now maybe I'm in the minority or I'm just more drunk than usual, but when a decent story emerges from a plot hole that offers a viable explanation for why they weren't around sooner then I'm more willing to overlook the gap. Mike Carey has turned this arc into an epic, sci fi struggle that would give George Lucas a boner.

In a daring rescue effort Rogue, Magneto, Gambit, and Frenzy traveled to the Gul Damar space station where they get caught up in a civil war between the Shi'ar and the Insectoid Gran Nan Holt. They're alien races and not heavy metal bands so bear with me because these guys are the reason that Rachel, Havok, and Polaris couldn't make it home. They were essentially wrecked along the Jersey Turnpike and abducted by the cast of the Jersey Shore where they were brainwashed and mindfucked, in some cases literally. The last issue revealed that this whole fucked up conflict was a direct result of an pissed off Insectoid prisoner named Friendless. He's about as friendly as he sounds because his psychic powers kept everyone, including Rachel, Havok, and Polaris at each others' throats. They managed to break his control, but even the vacuum of space hasn't shut Friendless up. While Rogue and Frenzy try to prevent Gul Damar from falling into a stary, Rachel has to unleash some psychic whoop-ass against Friendless. It all sounds good on paper until one of their Shi'ar buddies, Shovel Redhand, screws them over and tries to outright steal the array and for money no less. It just shows that greed is not bound by species.

X-men Legacy #258 picks up right where the screwing over began. Rachel is fighting a losing battle against Friendless while the rest of the X-men are being used for target practice by Shi'ar weapons. Rogue and Frenzy were in the process of fixing the gravity array before Shovel showed up. While he's in the process of fantasizing about all the alien pussy he'll be able to buy, Rogue and Frenzy try to stop him. But wouldn't you know it? The son-of-a-bitch has a personal force field. Alien pirates. Go figure.

Now keep in mind that Sovel isn't just screwing over the X-men. He's screwing over the thousands if not millions of innocent souls in Gul Damar. But does he care? Fuck no! If it doesn't pay, he doesn't give three tenths of a shit. While he's channeling his inner Somali pirate, Rachel is still in a psychic death match with Friendless. But remember that earlier in this arc, Friendless succeeded in knocking Rachel out cold for days. So who do you think is winning this battle? I'll give you a hint. It's not the one that readers don't masturbate to you unless seeing grotesque, slobbering aliens give you a boner. I'm sure that kind of shit exists in Japan somewhere.

Someone has to turn the tide on Sovel. Since Rachel won't do it, Rogue does as is Mike Carey's tendency. Remember that little teleportation gizmo that Sovel used to transport himself to the gravity controls? Well Rogue swiped that and guess what she does with it? She uses it to call in a little backup. Keep in mind they were in the line of fire of a massive Shi'ar super weapon. Being transported to the top of a space station that's falling into a sun is actually an upgrade, but not by much. They waste no time in taking down Sovel. He's outnumbered and pissed a lot of people off. He really didn't have a chance and that's a good thing. Assholes like him don't get screwed over enough. I don't know if this is a hidden message to the occupy Walls Street crowd, but it's a bit too subtle.

So Sovel goes down quicker than Ricky Martin at Elton John's birthday party. They effectively stop him from swiping the gravity controls and bathing in alien hookers for the next six months. However, he still fucked the thing up so they can't fix it as easily as they hoped. While they're wondering how they can get in touch with a Shi'ar repair man, they finally lend Rachel a hand. She's not going to beat Friendless so there's no shame in retreating. To get her mind back in place and prevent anyone from drawing dicks on her face, Magneto puts his helmet on her head. Since it blocks out telepathy, it effectively ends her psychic battle before Friendless roughs her up to Rick James levels. It's a creative way to win a battle and a nice reminder that Magneto's helmet isn't just a goofy looking prob that hides what an old fuck he is.

What follows next is a grim assessment of how fucked they are. First off, Friendless is still out there and has access to the same Shi'ar superweapon that he fired at the X-men earlier. Also, Sovel busted up the gravity drive that they need to save Gul Damar. This means they're not going to save the space station in a nice, clean manner. It's an X-men comics. Since when is it that easy? Instead, Rogue starts tapping some of the knowledge she absorbed in previous issues to overload it. Now anyone who didn't sleep through a physics documentary knows when you amp up the gravity too much, you get a black hole. Well that's what she's preparing to do to the star they're falling into. Rather than burn up, they'll be crushed into a singularity. Hey, I don't have a preference, but for obvious reasons the Shi'ar weren't cool with that. The X-men just tell them to trust her because making it through a black hole is no big deal for them. It's no worse than having to sit through the first hour of the Catwoman movie.

Now there's a lot of talk and not much action here. I get that Mike Carey is detailed, but there was a bit too much techno-babble at times. Not saying I don't mind a cliff notes version of how this alien tech works, but it was a bit overdone here. It doesn't get too boring though. While Rogue is using the gravity drive for her own little physics experiment, Friendless shows up again. This time he's packing heat. And by heat I mean that Shi'ar superweapon I mentioned earlier. So yeah, the action comes back in a big way.

Since Rachel has already had her pretty little ass handed to her on two different occasions by Friendless, she makes it a point to use different tactics this time. Those tactics involve tag teaming with Rogue in a way that could probably make for a good lesbian porno in another more awesome universe and launching a dual psychic attack on the ugly son-of-a-bitch. Friendless is pesky, but when two beautiful women are attacking you there's just no way around it. You're screwed in the exact opposite way that you hope. It's yet another instance of Rogue shining, but since this is the next to last issue for Mike Carey I'm more than happy to let him exercise his Rogue love while he can.

Rogue isn't done being awesome just yet either. Thanks to her psychic battle with Friendless, she picked up a touch of his brilliant alien mind as well. That mind allows her to make the necessary calculations for her little experiment with Gul Damar's gravity drive. Then with help from Magneto and Polaris, she throws the gravity drive into the sun. She compares it to lighting a cigarette in a room full of gasoline on a cosmic level. You might ask why the fuck they're doing something this dangerous on a space station with countless innocent lives? Well that's part of the fun of comics like this. You don't know how anyone can be that blatantly reckless. You just know it's going to make for an awesome moment.

That moment comes in the form of a massive fucking wormhole. That's what Rogue used her knowledge of alien physics to create and wouldn't you know it? She used it to solve another problem as well! Using Gul Damar's gravity drive, she opened a wormhole using the star they were falling into and had it bring them and the rest of the space station back to Earth. So it's official now. Rachel, Havok, and Polaris are home! They're home and they brought an alien space station with them. It's a wonderfully creative way to get them back to Earth while solving the whole falling into the sun problem in the process. It's the kind of multi-tasking that only Mike Carey can pull off and he does in a way that will be sorely missed when his run ends.

The Shi'ar on Gul Damar are safe. The X-men's Shi'ar buddies are safe and promise to make Sovel's life a living hell for betraying them. There's still a matter of a Shi'ar space station now being in orbit of Earth, but that's a problem for another time. It makes for a nice goodbye between the X-men and their Shi'ar buddies. It also finally leads to the moment we knew was coming from the second this arc began. Rogue, Gambit, Magneto, and Frenzy ship Rachel, Havok, and Polaris back to Earth where they haven't been in quite some time. They're understandably confused when they find out that Rogue is taking them to San Francisco rather than Westchester. There's even a nice bit on the final page that shows Rogue knows just how much catching up these three will have to do.

All I can say to that is damn! Havok, Rachel, and Polaris will need several hours to pick their jaws up off the floor when they find out all the shit that went down while they were gone. Let's see what they missed. They weren't around when the institute blew up (again). They missed Professor Xavier being shot in the head. They didn't get to see the birth and return of Jean Gre-I mean Hope Summers (like Rachel won't make that mistake too), the mutant messiah. I'm pretty sure Rachel may be unnerved by what she sees, but knowing Marvel they'll never touch on that because that would make too much sense. Then there's the whole move to San Francisco and Utopia. That's a lot to catch up on and at some point I have to believe that Havok, Rachel, and Polaris will just throw their hands up and say "fuck it."

Whatever their reaction, Mike Carey has once again astonished in his last arc for X-men Legacy. Everything came together with this issue. If the point of the arc was to get Rachel, Havok, and Polaris back into the fold then he succeeded. If the point was to make it a great story, then he succeeded in that too. It's not enough to just pick these three up and teleport them back to Utopia. He has to make it so they collapse a whole fucking star and travel in a wormhole across the fucking galaxy. I don't know if Mike Carey was shooting for overkill, but he sure as hell succeeded! There were a few areas where we didn't get a full resolution of the Shi'ar/Insectoid conflict and there was a bit too much techno-babble in certain areas. But overall, it was as solid an arc as anyone can ask for. If this is Mike Carey's swan song, he's going out in style.

The end of this issue was a bitter reminder that Mike Carey's run is almost over. He's made X-men Legacy one of the most consistent series for years and now he has one issue left to tie up all the loose ends. While another writer is already set to take over, the series just won't be the same without him. In many ways that makes this issue all the more meaningful because it really highlighted the kind of writing that Mike Carey does so well. As such, I give X-men Legacy #258 a 5 out of 5. This is Mike Carey at his best and you had better enjoy it now. Because when he's gone, I foresee many X-men fans going into the worst kind of crack withdrawal. But once the vomiting and shivering stops, I'm sure we'll all look back on arcs like this and say it was worth it. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #257 - Cosmic Highway of Awesome

Pop quiz, what do you get when you mix vodka with red bull? Answer, insomnia, a DUI, and a toilet bowl stained with reddish-green chunks that well never come off. Second pop quiz, what do you get when you mix the best sci-fi elements with X-men comics? Answer, you get X-men Legacy's current arc. Now some may have been tempted to cite that brief X-men/Star Trek crossover from back in the day when William Shatner was still relevant and when Jean Grey was still alive. But that was a fucking gimmick. X-men Legacy has been a consistent wave of awesome under Mike Carey whose run by tragedy or by losing a bar bet to Chrisoph Gage (who is taking over after Carey) is ending soon. That's why it's so important that X-men fans enjoy the last major arc of Carey's run because he's been pulling out all the stops and throwing in as many kick-ass elements as he can squeeze in. You would think it would get more clogged than Rush Limbaugh's septic tank, but as always Mike Carey makes it work.

X-men Legacy #256 finally cleared up some of the issues that had been lingering worse than Irish relatives. We found out that a butt-ugly creature named Friendless was mighty pissed at the Insectoid Gran Nan Holt because they treated him like North Korean prisoner of war. For some reason, Friendless had a problem with that and used his psychic powers to make them wage war on the Shi'ar. That way he would get payback against his own race while screwing over another race that had a history of oppressing others. It's two birds with one stone, but since this involves the Shi'ar that's probably not a politically correct analogy. He also found a way to control Havok and Polaris in the process. Well thanks to Rachel, Friendless was kicked into the cold vacuum of space and that seemed to free everyone from their mind control. There was just one small problem. The space station they were on (which is as big as a fucking planet mind you) was falling into a star. Wait, did I say that was a small problem? I meant small by X-men's standards. Falling into a star is akin to crashing your car into a parked police cruiser. You're in trouble, but if you're not a pussy you can deal with it appropriately. X-men Legacy #257 shows the X-men dealing with this small problem and much to the delight of stoners everywhere, it involves really shiny pictures.

To fix this whole gravity-is-a-bitch problem, Rogue has to travel up a big ass energy highway called the K'ythri (don't even want to know how to pronounce that shit) that controls the gravity on the space station. It's basically the only way to get to the necessary controls so they can avoid becoming cosmic smores. In order do that she absorbed some of Frenzy's power and tagged along with her as they rode this cosmic roller coaster up through the space station. It looks like it's way better than any of the shitty thrill rides at Six Flags. Along the way Rogue has to drain more of Frenzy's power. I'm tempted to note some lesbian innuendo here, but seeing as how Frenzy underwent such a transformation as a result of Cyclops's penis I'm somewhat dubious.

While Frenzy and Rogue are off to fix the alien gravity gizmo, the rest of the X-men are left behind playing the waiting game. Since no one seems to have an iphone with which to pass the time, they're left to finally address certain questions that have been burning worse than an infection from a crack whore in Bangkok. Keep in mind that Havok, Rachel, and Polaris have been MIA for a long time. They weren't around when the X-men moved to San Francisco, let alone when Magneto joined the team. So Havok finally makes it a point to remind everyone that Magneto has a nasty habit of trying to kill them. It could have made for a much more elaborate discussion, but it was somewhat glossed over. Granted, Rachel couldn't get the details because he was wearing that helmet of his. But at least it was addressed.

Now I'd rather not make a big deal of this, but it sort of is. Havok, Polaris, and Rachel have snapped out of it. They're coherent and they're currently waiting on Rogue to fix the space station. Yet no one takes time to address Magneto, Frenzy, or all the shit they clearly missed back on Earth. Now I'm assuming it's going to get fleshed out in future issues, but you would think that's something that the X-men don't set aside. Then again I guess being stuck on an alien space station will sort of fuck up your priorities.

Instead of asking all these important questions, the X-men follow their Shi'ar buddies to a dockyard where they hope to salvage a ship. I don't know what the point is given that Rogue is supposed to save them, but I guess they don't want to place their faith completely in someone who once swapped spit with Magneto. It sounds pointless until we catch up with Friendless. Remember him? The bug-like alien psychic psychopath that survived being blown out into the vacuum of space? Well he crashed the main deck with the Shi'ar and with a little psychic probing, got them to break out some of their superweapons. Seeing as how the Shi'ar treat their weapons with the same affection that men treat their penises, you know something is going to go boom at some point.

So Rachel, Havok, Polaris, and the rest of the X-men remain blissfully unaware as they make it to the dockyard. As is often the case with the Shi'ar, all that war and bloodshed left quite a mess and a fleet of busted ships. So they have to channel their inner Trekky and start salvaging working parts. Along the way there's a creepy sense that one of the Shi'ar pirates that was so eager to capture Rogue earlier (not that I blame him of course) is starting to grow fond of his alien visitors. I don't know if xenophilia is a recognized disorder with the Shi'ar, but with guys like this it damn well should be.

Fixing alien star ships is fun and all, but not very exciting if you can believe that. You know what's more exciting? Two hot X-women emerging from the K'ythri highway after a long ride of flesh-melting energy beams and slightly implied lesbian innuendo. Like anyone after a road trip where they were stuck riding shotgun in a minivan packed with drunk friends while driving a narrow stretch of highway at three in the morning, Rogue and Frenzy are visibly exhausted. They end up exactly where they need to be, but they're too pooped to do anything. It's basically a setup, which makes the scene feel somewhat unnecessary. But at least we know they made it. Just seems like getting off an alien energy highway would be more eventful. Go figure.

Back in the dockyard, not much is going on. The X-men and their Shi'ar buddies are playing Junkyard Wars putting together a new ship. Like the scene with Rogue and Frenzy, not much happens. There's more implied alien's wanting to bone humans subtext. Well it's not really subtext. One of them compares engineering to foreplay and one of the Shi'ar women is intent on boning Havok. It's fun and all, but again not much happens until the only legitimate alien/human fuck buddies actually do something. Rachel has picked up on Friendless's shenanigans. Seeing as how he knocked her out for days a few issues ago, she's more than entitled to a little payback. So trusting her Shi'ar boy toy not feel her up, she does a little astral projection to check it out.

It doesn't take long for Rachel to find Friendless and a big ass Shi'ar super weapon. It looks like a giant laser placed on a tank. The laser also looks like a penis, but I guess all powerful weapons have to look that way no matter where you go in the universe. Friendless quickly senses her and lashes out with a little astral action of his own. Now keep in mind that these are two powerful psychics that have many reasons to beat the psychic shit out of each other. Friendless knocked Rachel out for two days. Rachel knocked Friendless into the vacuum of space. By all accounts they should be more fired up than Ray Lewis on crystal meth. But again, it's basically glossed over. In just one page they swat each other a few and Rachel goes limp again.

It's becoming a distressing trend for this issue. The stage is set for these great battles, but they don't happen. Rachel vs. Friendless Round 2 was built to be much better, but it wasn't. Granted, it didn't end and chances are Rachel isn't going to get bitch slapped into a coma again. But still, a little extra action would have been nice. Who doesn't want to see a cute redhead beat up an ugly alien? Don't the people at Marvel watch anime porn?

Rachel's inability to stop Friendless has another unpleasant side-effect. It allows the Shi'ar to fire their little superweapon. By little I mean it blows a big fucking hole right in the hull and now the X-men get to know what it feels like to be sucked into space. And no that's not a metaphor for a blow job. It happens just when it looks as though they're ready to take off in their hastily assembled ship. It's the first time something actually starts blowing up in this comic, but it's a hell of a bang and one that threatens to completely annihilate the dockyard. So yeah, that's how fucked the X-men are.

But that's not the most fucked up part if you can believe that. Mike Carey threw a few twists into the story with the last issue. Well he's done it again with this issue. It's getting to the point where this series could be in fucking pornos with all the twisting. Remember that Shi'ar that wanted to bone some of the X-women? Well his name is Sovel and like the IRS, he never misses a chance to screw someone over. Just as the X-men are about to be blasted from the dockyard, he teleports up to the gravity control where Rogue and Frenzy are trying to stop them from falling into a star. He then proceeds to shoot them because falling into a star just doesn't worry him. You know what worries him? Running out of money. He actually plans to take this massive gravity array, lug it across the universe, and sell it for a filthy profit. Now I'm not championing criminals here, but you gotta hand it to a guy who takes advantage of any opportunity. He's essentially screwing over the X-men and setting them up to get vaporized in the next issue, but for him that's just business. He's like Dick Cheny, just not as evil.

There are a lot of ways to rate a comic. On it's own, this issue is mediocre at best. In the scope of the arc it's a part of, it's definitely above average. Unlike the previous issue, there wasn't a lot of meaningful action. There was plenty of setup that may actually lead to meaningful action, but that in and of itself isn't that meaningful. Confused? Well simply put, the pace was just a bit too slow. On some levels I'm glad that Mike Carey took the time to finally address the whole Magneto-is-an-X-man revelation that I'm sure Havok, Polaris, and Rachel would be curious about. However, it was overly glossed over and there really wasn't much else going on aside from the thrill ride that Rogue and Frenzy were on. I won't call this issue filler because the story still moved forward. It just wasn't at a very exciting pace.

Aside from the pace or lack thereof, everything else fit perfectly into the greater story. That's what this issue does best. It effectively builds on what happened in the previous issue and took a little time to show some personal moments between the characters. Not every issue needs to have someone blow up a fucking star ship or beat the shit out of some insect-like alien to be awesome. It helps, but it helps even more to have some substance behind it. There was definitely plenty to go around with Friendless showing up again and the X-men facing the business end of a Shi'ar superweapon. It helped set the next issue up for some thrilling moments that hopefully involve more implied innuendo between Rogue and Frenzy. I'm hoping that when they're done they could get together and fantasize more about the power of Cyclops's penis, but that may be asking a bit too much for Mike Carey's last arc of X-men Legacy.

Overall, this comic plays a significant role in this arc and plays it well. Mike Carey is taking his time here. Since this is his swan song for X-men Legacy, I'm glad he's doing so because he's included so many amazing elements with this arc. The cosmic scale along with the long overdue reunion with Havok, Polaris, and Rachel have made it more entertaining than a piece of string and a block of LSD. This issue isn't quite as engaging as the previous few, but it definitely deserves to be praised, smothered in butter, and poured over a hot stack of pancakes. I give X-men Legacy #257 a 4 out of 5. Like Herman Cain's presidential campaign, we should enjoy X-men Legacy while it last. It's bound to end soon and it will be hard to find something else that's so entertaining. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #256 - Upheavals of Awesome

I know there's several metric tons of awesome going on throughout the X-books with Uncanny ending, Schism, and Fear Itself. Given my limited time between drinking binges and hangovers, it's impossible for me to keep up most of time. I do my best to give certain books the attention they deserve, but much like the American education system there will be those that get left behind and screwed over in ways they don't deserve. That's a good metaphor for X-men Legacy. It has been without a doubt one of the most consistent X-books in the past half-decade and Mike Carey has been one of it's most consistent writers. But like a good binge in Tijuana, the end will eventually come and the morning after will kick your ass. That's why it's important to enjoy the high now because when it ends, you may find yourself in a motel room in Columbia with a fat transvestite spooning you.

X-men Legacy has been telling a very important story. It's bringing Rachel, Havok, and Polaris back into the picture after they've been MIA for nearly two freakin' years. It's a story that's been brewing for quite some time, but now we're finally getting an explanation. Mike Carey went to great lengths to tie this story into the events of Age of X and the aftermath. Yet for all his attention to detail what did he get? Well seeing as how this story takes place while Schism, Fear Itself, and Uncanny X-Force are kicking the collective asses of every other Marvel book I would say he's more unfortunate than every Enron stock holder combined. He's been telling a great story with X-men Legacy. It involves the Shi'ar, mind control, and a space station that's falling into a star. Yet it can't help but slip under the radar because of the competition. On top of it all, this is Mike Carey's last arc! So yeah, he should be pissed. But that doesn't mean his stories aren't still awesome.

X-men Legacy #255 we learned more about the civil war that Rachel, Havok, and Polaris got caught up in. As is often the case, the Shi'ar's nasty habits of oppressing other races like the Insectoid Grad Nan Holt (basically cousins of your typical cockroaches in a Brooklyn apartment) has come back to haunt them. Magneto, Frenzy, Gambit, and Rogue finally arrive to mount a rescue. But the space station, Gul Damar, is falling into a star. So it's basically your typical Tuesday for the X-men.

At the end of X-men Legacy #255 Magneto, Frenzy, and Gambit finally have a tearful reunion with Havok and Polaris. And by tearful reunion I mean Havok and Polaris are being mind controlled by the Insectoid Grad Nan Holt and their first instinct is to beat the living shit out of their rescuers. It's basically par for the course for a typical X-men rescue, but it still makes for some awesome visuals. It's Magneto versus his own daughter and Frenzy versus the guy Mangeto's daughter is boning. Sounds like a fair fight.

It's a regular family reunion for the X-men. Meanwhile Gambit is stuck fighting Krovus, the guy that's probably been boning Rachel off panel. Since Cyclops isn't present, Gambit has to be the one to give him the typical introduction that every father gives to their daughter's boyfriend. He's horribly ill-equipped and not because Korvus is bigger and stronger. It's because he's able to call for backup from the massive armies of Insectoid's that are watching the whole battle like a home game for the Philadelphia Eagles. And like a home game for the Eagles, the fans get angry and unruly when shit doesn't go their way or they have too much to drink, whichever comes first. So they join in the fun and attack. All the while the Shi'ar that the X-men were working with watch on only mildly impressed. They seem to accept that they're many different kinds of screwed and start shooting off their larger weapons. And no, that's not a dick joke.

Unfortunately for the laws of physics in this or any other universe, firing big ass weapons on an already damaged space station tends to fuck things up. As soon as the Shi'ar start waving their dicks at the Insectoids and firing off their weapons, they trigger a breach in the area where Rogue, Rachel, and a group of Shi'ar pirates that are not unlike Somali pirates, just less ruthless. Rachel has to once again show that she has her mother's flare by sealing up the breach. Rogue then decides that they should separate so she can go catch up with the X-men and tell the Shi'ar to knock this shit off. I'm assuming she knows they're just going to tell her to suck it, but it's a matter of principle I guess.

Along the way Rogue finds one of the Shi'ar officials that was actually against firing off their high-energy weapons on an already crippled space station. What did he get in return? He got fucking shot. That's basically how the Shi'ar pecking order words. If you try to be reasonable in any capacity, you get fucking shot. But beyond his life sucking royally, he tells Rogue that the particle cannons are fucking up the gravity for the station. Since he's a long ways away from some band aids and Nyquil, Rogue shows a little mercy and absorbs the guy so she can use his knowledge to fix this shit. Of all the ways you're going to go, being touched by Rogue (even in a non-sexual way) isn't a bad exit strategy.

Now you would think that the inhabitants of the space station that aren't batshit crazy would have an interest in assisting Rogue and Rachel. And you would be right, but the problem is there are a few beings that are batshit crazy on this space station. One such being introduces itself to Rachel as Friendless of the Ten-Red-Seed next, which sounds a lot like a gay fraternity ritual. Why is this worth mentioning? This is the asshole that knocked Rachel out with a little psychic douche-baggery. So that means Rachel finally has a chance to not be the target that so many redheads end up being in X-men comics. Just ask Jean Grey. Oh wait...

So in an effort to attack, Rachel does a little psychic douche-baggery of her own. In the process she discovers something pretty fucked up that definitely qualifies as another Mike Carey style twist that I'm going to miss so much when he leaves the series. This Friendless beast wasn't exactly another one of the Shi'ar's whipping boys. He was actually being abused by his own Insectoid brethren. By that I mean his family was killed, he was rounded up like a dog or a woman at Rick James's house, and exploited for his psychic talents. So what did he do? He took control of their minds and made them wage war on the Shi'ar. So in reality neither the Shi'ar or the Insectoids are the assholes. They're just pawns by some pissed off prisoner who actually has more than enough reason to see both races kill each other. I get the sense that if this thing was human, he would be one of those Occupy Wall Street guys with the oversized beard and hipster style clothes advocating that someone firebomb Warren Buffet's house.

This scene really changes up the nature of the story. It finally gives a reason as to why the Insectoids and Shi'ar are fighting. It also shows how Havok and Polaris are being controlled. On every level, it's all part of one exceedingly pissed off creature's plot to screw over the people who made his life miserable. In a sense you really can't blame the guy. If you have that kind of psychic skill, do you just take it and let your own people exploit it? Or do you use it to exploit them and the Shi'ar's tendency to be assholes? Nine out of ten people would probably do the same.

Rachel doesn't show much sympathy for guys who start wars between two races. So while Friendless is preparing to fuck her up, she unseals the breach and lets the vacuum of space shut this asshole up. It's about as effective as giving Robert Downy Jr. some horse tranquilizers. Once he goes silent, the mind-control for Polaris and Havok ends. They're probably visibly confused and are curious as to why the hell Magneto and Frenzy are with the X-men. But they're kind of in the middle of an interstellar war so that gets set aside for the moment. Magneto and Polaris work together to seal the breach with their powers. It's a nice father daughter moment akin to a man taking his daughter to the zoo. Although with Magneto, there always has to be a life-or-death situation or it just isn't heartfelt enough.

Now that the mind control is over and the breach is sealed, there can finally be a more appropriate reunion. Rachel and Rogue join up with Magneto, Polaris, Havok, Frenzy, and Gambit. There's presumably a lot of confused aliens as well, feeling like I do after I start drinking in one city and wake up in another. They obviously have a lot to talk about. At some point they'll have to explain why Magneto joined the X-men, why the Xavier Institute blew up, why the X-men are living on a rock in San Francisco Bay, and why there's a mysterious girl with red hair and green eyes named Hope Summers running around. But all that shit falls to the wayside when they find out that the space station is falling into a star. Some things are just more important I guess. But still, a slight mention just to get some wide-eyed reactions would have been fun.

Now to fix a falling space station, it's not as easy as getting the necessary parts from a Radioshack. This space station is the size of a fucking planet. To get where they need to go, they need something a little quicker than an elevator. So Rogue leads them to a little something called a Flux Array, which despite the bland name would have Star Trek fans everywhere jizzing their pants. It's basically a gravity rail gun that is like an express elevator to the source of the gravity generator. Rogue knows all this thanks to that unfortunate Shi'ar that got shot earlier and she needs to use it to get to where she needs to go and fix it. To do this, she needs help from Frenzy. Now keep in mind that Frenzy is new to being a hero. She's been on the wrong side of so many X-men battles in the past and thanks to Cyclops's penis, she's now on the X-men's side. So she agrees to lend Rogue her powers and a hand in fixing this shit. It's a nice way to show that she's becoming a hero and it's also a nice way to demonstrate just how powerful Cyclops's penis is.

So the X-men have reunited and they're prepared to fix the space station. It sounds like they can finally catch their breath. All will soon be well and good. They can start thinking about how they'll explain Utopia and the presence of Hope Summers. Well if shit were that easy in the X-books, no one would read them. While Rogue and Frenzy are on their way to do a quick repair job, our old friend Friendless reveals that the vacuum of space didn't do a good enough job killing him. He finds his way to an air lock on the station where he takes control of a few more Shi'ar. With them, he plans on further fucking this space station and everyone in it. I'm starting to think the X-men should adopt the same rules as real people do with zombies. Unless you shoot an enemy in the head, assume they'll come back and fuck you up even more.

Mike Carey's X-books have always been just the right balance of style and substance. He doesn't try to blow up the fucking universe with every arc. He tells strong, focused stories that feel much bigger than they might actually be. Well this issue really highlights all the strengths of that style except in this case the story is every bit as big as it feels. The X-men aren't just trying to free their friends of mind control. They're trying to save a whole fucking space station from falling into a star. It sounds like a Michael Bay style plot, yet it has Martin Scorsese style depth. Now the past few issues have been mired in unanswered questions. Like how the fuck did Polaris, Rachel, and Havok get caught up in this shit and why are they fighting their friends? Well this issue answers it. Mind Control may seem simple on paper, but the way Mike Carey develops Friendless and his motivations really make it deeper in all the right ways.

This is by far the most complete issue yet in this overdue reunion arc. The only problem some may have with it is that now Rachel, Havok, and Polaris aren't being mind controlled anymore. That means they have no excuse to react to all the shit that's happened in the past two years since they've been away from Earth. Now granted a lot was going on that prevented them from learning the full story, but still there wasn't even a hint dropped as to what had happened so we didn't get a reaction. Many X-fans including myself would just love to see what Rachel's reaction to Hope Summers would be. Maybe she'll have the same reaction as all angry Jean Grey fans, but we just don't know because it wasn't shown. I'm hoping it gets shown eventually, but that's one major plot hole that can't and shouldn't be ignored (although that's never stopped Marvel before).

X-men Legacy #256 was as enjoyable an issue as any Mike Carey X-book. Yeah, it got a little lost in the midst of so many other X-men events like Fear Itself, Schism, and Uncanny X-Force. I wouldn't say it's as awesome as those stories, but it's still enjoyable. And since this is Mike Carey's last major arc, it's one X-men Legacy fans everywhere should savor like chocolate sauce dripping from Pamela Anderson's breasts. Issues like this will only make me miss Mike Carey even more. That's why I give X-men Legacy #256 a 5 out of 5. This issue gives plenty of reasons why Mike Carey has been such a consistent writer on the X-books for so long and it gives just as many reasons to go on a self-hating drinking binge once it's over. Nuff said!