X-men #26 - Bloodbath of Awesome

I have a simple rule when it comes to vampires in comics. As long as they don't act like hippies and fucking sparkle, I'll give them a chance. I'll be the first to say I'm pretty sick of the vampire craze inspired by Twilight. I wouldn't make so many jokes about Robert Pattinson's penis if I wasn't annoyed by the world's annoying fascination with these pussy moistening blood suckers. However, vampires are a part of pop culture despite Stephanie Meyer's evil influence. Before she was getting her period, Marvel was telling stories about vampires and telling them quite well. It wasn't until the Curse of the Mutants story arc last year that vampires returned to the Marvel universe in a big way and the current arc of Victor Gischler's adjectiveless X-men almost makes you overlook how sick you are of vampires...almost.

While the first issue for this arc started off slow, disappointing, and full of Jubilee's whining, it has definitely picked up. The X-men's security team, led by Storm and all the reasons she has to be pissed for being married off to Black Panther is in search of Jubilee. In the last issue they found her and the vampires that abducted her. A fight broke out as is often the case with anyone who tries to pull a teenage girl away from a vampire's grasp. In that sense they're not unlike R. Kelly minus the urine. Jubilee made her position clear when she yelled at the X-men for fighting against the people who were trying to help her. It's easy to forget that she's new to being a vampire and hasn't quite mastered the whole urge-to-suck-peoples-blood-and-kill-them instinct. Razio promises to help her. Unfortunately, Razio has a long list of enemies and by long list I mean they all stormed his stronghold in the South China Sea D-Day style.

This is where the story picks up. Among those seeking a big fat paycheck from Razio's head is Deadpool. Even though he's part of X-Force, he's still a mercenary and he's gotta make a living. If for no other reason than to buy tacos and bullets. Thankfully, Domino has a history with him and she also has killer boobs. So she manages to confront Domino before he barges into the base and starts shooting. At first, he's hesitant to pass up a big payday. Then Domino offers to go on a date with him and he agrees to help. I'll admit it. For a date with Domino and a chance to tap that ass, I would brave an incoming army of supervillains. 

But it'll take more than just Deadpool's insanity or Domino's boobs to protect them from this onslaught. Both the X-men and the Forgiven have dispatched their heavy hitters into the fray, looking to hold off the assault. It's definitely the kind of shit that will ruin your Sunday, but this timing is pretty fucked up. Both Razio and Storm notice it. Whenever an army of villains looking for a fat payday show up at your doorstep foaming at the mouth, someone usually has their dick in your business. So like competent leaders in a book that is clearly trying to avoid being another mutant/vampire mash up, they proceed cautiously. Storm, not ready to leave Jubilee behind with Razio, stays in the base with Psylocke. She must think his hold on teenage girls is more unhealthy than Robert Pattinson's hair gel. They all watch the fireworks unfold and without popcorn no less.

The action here is pretty heavy, much more so than the previous issue. This isn't a scuffle built on some misunderstanding. These are the X-men and the vampires they were looking to slaughter having to fight off an invasion of money, grubbing mercenaries. It's almost like lobbyists descending on Congress, but without quite as much bloodshed and substantially less hookers. Like said lobbyists, these guys came packing heavy hardware. But that shit is a fucking coke can compared to Colossus. He didn't get to strut his stuff in Uncanny X-men #8, so he gets to make up for it here by snapping a tank in half. And on panel no less! Sure, he gets an unfortunate surprise when someone phases through him like a ghost and makes him feel like that girl from the Exorcist, but it's still pretty badass on new fewer than a hundred different levels.

The Forgiven show that they can kick plenty of ass as well and without sparkling or showing off their fangs. The same vampires that gave the X-men a run for their money in the previous issue show they can more than measure up against an army of money grubbing bounty hunters not named Dog. One of them, Black Axe, not only shows that he has a kick-ass nickname, but he's also smarter than the average bounty hunter. The Forgiven seem to rely not just on being hippie vampires, but outsmarting those who think they can become Buffy with just a crucifix and a stake. When one of the talkative targets decides to wield his ball and chain (not a dick metaphor I'm sure), he ends up making himself look like an idiot by causing an entire cliff to collapse. It's a more creative way to beat an enemy and that much more satisfying.

Despite the overwhelming odds, things seem to be going well for both the X-men and the Forgiven. You get the sense that Storm should get some Doritoes and Razio should get one of Ted Nugant's pets and enjoy the show. But they still don't feel like taking it easy just yet. There's still a significant debate to have regarding Jubilee. She's still adamant about trusting Razio. Storm has trusted vampires before and nearly had her head bitten off as a result. Guys like Dracula leave a bad impression so Storm is not too enthused about Jubilee's decision, but she makes clear that she's not going to let her use it as an excuse to be a complete brat (which she has been for several issues now).

This tension is somewhat secondary to the more pressing concerns that Razio has. The mere fact that their counterattack against the onslaught of bounty hunters is going so well is cause for concern. He and Storm seem to understand that when shit is going this smoothly, some much bigger shit is about to hit the fan. And wouldn't you know it? They turn out to be right. It's another law of physics in comics. If shit goes smoothly, shit is about to get heavy.

It's a classic tactic that would be so cliched if it didn't work so well. The rest of the X-men and the Forgiven our stuck outside taking on the onslaught of bounty hunters. Domino, still obligated to let Deadpool see her naked for his help, coordinates with the others to bring the battle to a stalemate. But in doing so, they pretty much keep themselves occupied from whatever real threat is going on inside. I'm pretty sure there's a whole section about this tactic in the Art of War, but I'll leave that book to generals and investment bankers. All we as comic book readers need to know is that it worked. The X-men and the Forgiven are divided and distracted. That means we can find out who's really behind this shit.

Who could it be? A monster? A well known Dr. Doom style villain? A hot chick with a Buffy hard-on? Well, it's not as groundbreaking as that I'm afraid. Inside the base, a psychic bomb goes off that neutralizes Psylocke and Storm ends up getting gassed in a way you would only experience by being stuck in a cab with an angry New York Jets fans after leaving a wing eating contest. It's all courtesy of neatly dressed enemy with a very gay looking mask that looks like it was a rejected design for V for Vendetta. It may not look very intimidating, but the asshole behind it managed to neutralize the X-men and seriously wound Razio. That shit has to count for something.

The mystery villain doesn't say much. He/she/it seems content to let actions speak louder than words. Those actions have a clear message, "You're fucked and I outsmarted you. Now watch me jack off." That last part was implied. However, not everyone is down for the count. Jubilee, the fucked up teen who Razio couldn't convince to drink sheep's blood a few issues ago, is still on her feet. She's the only one left to take on this creature that just took down the X-men and the Forgiven. It doesn't seem like a fair fight until you realize that this is a fucked up teenager who has been pissed off by her friends and her captors and still has the added aid of renegade teenage hormones. If I were the mystery villain, I would rather kidnap Lois Lane and wave my dick in the face of Superman than take on Jubilee at the moment. That and you have to admit she looks pretty badass with a katana.

Going back to what I said about being sick of vampires earlier, I'll add to that sentiment one simple truth. Awesome stories trumps all cliches. Victor Gischler has been on his longest winning streak since this series began and I couldn't be more happy about it. This was a series that started strong, but was mired in mediocrity while other X-books like Uncanny X-Force outshined it. I can't overstate how impressed I've been with Gischler since he took over after X-men Regenesis. This issue highlights so many aspects of what makes this series great. We've got an onslaught from the Assassins Guild, a guest appearance from Deadpool, a mysterious new foe in the Claw, and Jubilee stepping up to show that she can kick more as as a vampire than she ever could as a mutant. It feels like a book that captures other elements of the Marvel universe and makes this series truly awesome.

Just a few issues ago, I criticized this arc for being too detached. An entire issue was dedicated only to Jubilee and Razio's crew of hippie vampires. While that issue was still a bump in the road, it certainly helped in setting the stage for what Razio is up against. He and his vampire crew show that they've got some bite in them that doesn't just involve blood sucking. His history is pretty extensive and his motivations have been built up nicely over the past few issues. The tension with Storm is certainly an added bonus and one that plays up her history with vampires (namely as Dracula's squeeze). It culminates in a conflict that is predictable in some ways, but plays out in a way that's still very entertaining. Even if you hate vampires and have nightmares of Stephenie Meyer trying to rip out your soul, you'll find something to love about this issue.

This is quickly becoming one of my favorite arcs that Gischler has put together since his run began. It still has a ways to go. It left a lot of room for mystery surrounding who is attacking Razio. One could argue it's too much room and too ambiguous, but if it isn't enough to excite you about the next issue then you're just being a douche. X-men #26 is full of action, suspense, mystery, and Deadpool cracking jokes. It's everything you want in a comic of this nature. For that, I give it a 4.5 out of 5. I'm leaving half a point off so that there's room for improvement with the big conclusion. This is a big moment for this series and for Jubilee. She hasn't been this awesome since the 90s or this bonerific for all your fetish types. The world may be sick of vampires, but seeing as how they're not going away anytime soon we might as well enjoy the ones that are least likely to remind us of Twilight. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #261 - Reflections of Past Awesome

I've taken some heat for my assessment of X-men Legacy lately. Some complain I make too big a deal out of the Magneto/Rogue shit. Granted, it makes for great jokes about senility and Anna Nichole Smith, but I do admit it gets old. While I still feel it's worth belaboring, I haven't let it completely destroy my outlook on X-men Legacy. I still enjoy many aspects of this book, even though Mike Carey has left. The torch has already been passed to Christos Gage, who is best known for his work on Avengers Academy. He already showed us what he can do with X-men Legacy #260.1. Overall, it was a decent comic. But let's face it, he's trying to follow Mike Carey's legacy. That's like trying to fuck a beautiful woman after she's been ravaged by Brad Pitt for two straight hours. You've got your work cut out for you.

Christos Gage began his run by having the Legacy crew establish themselves at the Jean Grey Institute for Higher Learning. They're basically the senior staff that hasn't gotten tenure yet, assuming of course they start bribing the teachers union. So when something like a demon hoard arrives to attack the school, they're on the front lines. X-men Legacy #260.1 demonstrated that they can handle this role nicely and just as with Mike Carey, Rogue takes center stage with her ability to use a massive cocktail of powers and beat down anything that keeps students from their daily does of torture in an algebra class. Boy, what I wouldn't have given for a demon attack in high school. But I guess that's besides the point. In addition to being the unofficial patrols, they also have their share of high school drama. Rogue is still lamenting that Magneto is no longer slipping her the high hard one and Frenzy is still reeling from the influence of Cyclops's penis in Age of X. It leads her and Gambit to end Gage's first issue in a spit-swapping contest. So at least Gage has captured Mike Carey's spirit of having equal battles between sinister forces and the characters' own genitals.

X-men Legacy #261 marks Christos Gage's first issue that doesn't remind readers of how much math sucked back in school. It doesn't start off with a demon attack or any shit like that. It focuses on drama while showing the Legacy crew as they teach some of the students at the Jean Grey Institute, presumably for shitty pay and little recognition like most teachers. Rogue is still dwelling on Magneto's wrinkly scrotum banging against her ass while Frenzy and Gambit have an awkward moment. They're quick to label that kiss in the last issue a mistake. Gambit still seems hung up on Rogue. I assume his scrotum is still collapsed due to the knowledge that she preferred getting her clam filled by Magneto. Frenzy seems to acknowledge this, which is kind of fucked up because that kiss at the end of the last issue could have started something new. Here, it's just glossed over. It's almost as bad as the Cyclops/Emma relationship, minus the porno elements.

And then there's the Rogue/Magneto plot that hasn't been resolved (or effectively set up for that matter). I know I'll get a few comments whining about how I belabor this point, but it's worth belaboring when someone like Rogue that's so competent in so many other fields is stupid enough to spread her legs for a guy that has a history of wanting to extinguish the human race. But I'll try and taper my drunken rage for the moment. Gage actually takes some time here to explore that plot that seemed to be pulled out of one too many different asses. It's nothing elaborate. It's just Rogue chatting with Rachel Grey, the other red-hared green-eyed mutant that doesn't have the Phoenix Force anymore. The drama here is basically taken right out of a High Grant movie. Rogue never really cleared the air with Magneto, but doesn't want to call him to give the impression that she thinks she's wrong for coming to Westchester. Throw in Jennifer Love Hewitt and cheesy dialog and you've got a shitty romantic comedy.

Thankfully, drama only takes up a few pages of this issue. A much bigger issue emerges when Blindfold, a mutant with the power to spoil every movie and football game, shows up and lets them know they have a visitor and it's not Jehovahs Witnesses, but it's just as unwelcome. Early on in Mike Carey's run, he involved Exodus in a plot with Charles Xavier. Then after Messiah Complex, Exodus has been MIA. Presumably, he's just as disgusted with Rogue boning Magneto as well. But he shows up at the front door of the Jean Grey Institute looking all red and douchy. Rogue calls Wolverine and the rest of the Institute staff to meet at the front door to beat this asshole to a pulp before he threatens to level the school. Yet that's not his goal if you can believe that. He says he's there to save mutant-kind.

No really. That's why he says he's there. Not to kidnap someone or kill anyone. That's his stated mission. He says that the schism between mutants is dangerous. Like his name implies, he's going Old Testament on them minus the genocide and misogyny. He says that abandoning Utopia was a bad decision and one that will doom the mutant race. It's not an unreasonable assessment because they've already done the divide part in their enemies' divide and conquer strategy. Now he says they need to resolve their differences with Cyclops. But here's the catch. He's not asking them. He's telling them, which sounds like my old baseball coach only without the threat of throwing baseball bats at my head.

The X-men respond to this as you would expect. They don't like being told what to do even if the asshole doing it does have some valid point. So Rogue leads the assault with Cannonball, Wolverine, Rachel, Gambit, Frenzy, and even Iceman present. That sounds like a pretty tough team until you remember that Exodus is one of those overpowered villains that in a real world setting would human skin to wipe his ass. The battle here is pretty well-organized. The X-men put up a decent fight, but Exodus is just too damn resourceful. So how do they beat him? Well why not take a page right out of...the last issue. Okay, that's not very original, but that's what happens here.

In the first issue when the battle got tough, Rogue just called timeout to go grab some powers from the students at the Jean Grey Institute to tip the balance. She does the exact same thing here. And I mean almost beat for beat. It's one thing to do this in the same series, but doing it after it was already done in the last issue? At least give me some time to kill the necessary brain cells to forget! At least Gage makes it somewhat comedic this time. Rogue swipes some of Exodus's teleportation powers and makes her way to the lower levels of the institute where she meets up with Kid Gladiator, who was introduced as another overpowered douche-bag in Wolverine and the X-men. She asks to borrow his powers. He responds by saying he'll only do it if she joins his harem and presumably participates in an orgy. I admit, if I was in his position I would probably do the same. But Rogue isn't without her charm. She swipes his powers with a kiss before leaving. While this pisses off Kid Gladiator's guardian, he does look quite smitten. It's a cute way of showing that even alien teenagers get awkward boners.

Armed with Kid Gladiator's powers, Rogue returns to the battle and tips the balance. She arrives just as Exodus is reminding Frenzy that they used to be on the same team and she used to believe in their cause until she was corrupted by Cyclops's penis. He threatens to remove her memories of his overpowering dong, which could have made for a very powerful moment. But Rogue comes in just in time and beats the shit out of Exodus. It's a great spectacle, but at the same time it seems like a missed opportunity because it could have fleshed out the conflict with Frenzy. She's clearly in a vulnerable position as most women are after banging Cyclops. The fact that she didn't want her memories changed says something, but it isn't explored and that's just disappointing. So you're stuck watching Rogue beat up Exodus. I concede that's a decent consolation prize.

But despite this ass-kicking, Exodus refuses to back down. You almost have to admire the guy because he believes he's saving the mutant race and not just being a raging douche. The X-men belabor their case that they couldn't stay on Utopia. Exodus just can't wrap his head around why they would willingly divide their species. Then out of frustration, Rogue opens her mind to let him see for himself. What we get as a result is a quick flashback that shows the events of Second Coming and Schism all on one page. It's a nice little recap. It seems out of place since this is usually the kind of shit that the .1 issues are supposed to address, but it offers yet another reminder of what led to Schism. Again, I haven't killed enough brain cells to forget so for most readers this is wasted ink. For me, it just means I need stronger weed.

Nevertheless, it gets the job done. Exodus sees this and understands. And in a very non-douche way, he stops fighting. He actually says that Wolverine and his crew are completely justified in their actions. He even makes it a point to list Hope as a really fucked up part of the equation that for some ungodly reason is the key to the mutant race's salvation. He seems to see her as a threat so he must be an angry Jean Grey fan as well. He leaves the institute saying he's going to fix this, but that has some rather fucked up implications. It doesn't take long for Rogue and the rest of her crew to realize that they may have just sent Exodus to Utopia to fuck things up more than they already are. It's a rather ironic twist, but one that puts a nice twist on this conflict and could potentially lead to a very awkward confrontation with Team Cyclops.

It's amazing how it seems like so much shit happens in an issue, but it's just as long as every other book that's overpriced at $3.99. A lot happens in this book and most of it is pretty awesome. Christos Gage has had two issues so far to set a new tone for X-men Legacy and with this issue, I'm not afraid to say he's succeeding. He's not taking this series down a radically different path. Like so many of the other X-men Regenesis books, the fallout from Schism is still affecting many of the characters. The plot here is sound. Exodus, despite his history of being an asshole, actually arrives with some valid concerns for mutant kind. Even he understands that being divided makes them vulnerable. It leads to a fight with some very interesting undertones and one Gage handles nicely. The prospect of this battle extending over to Utopia adds even more potential that unified coherence that has made the X-books a new kind of awesome.

There's a lot to like about this issue, but there are still some elements that hold it back. I've pointed out how fucked up the Rogue/Magneto plot is and how it should be taken out back to a dark alley, shot in the head, and pissed on before being burned. So I won't repeat myself. But the fight in this issue followed the same formula as the last issue almost to the letter. Everyone starts getting their ass kicked, Rogue steps out for a moment to borrow some powers from students, and then she returns to beat the shit out of whatever threat they were facing. It's nice the first time around, but the sheer lack of variation between two issues just makes it seem cliched. If this is how every issue is going to pan out, then it's going to be akin to being the weatherman in Death Valley. It just gets too fucking predictable.

Even if there was some copying and pasting going on, this is still a quality comic. There's plenty of drama and some elaborate fighting that makes for quite a spectacle. The prospect of taking that spectacle to Utopia offers plenty of appeal for the story. I like that Gage isn't just continuing the themes that Mike Carey set up and mixing them nicely with the general post-Schism status quo. There are a few shortcomings, but it's still an above average comic with the potential to be much better depending on how the next issue pans out. I give X-men Legacy #261 a 3.5 out of 5. I want to give it something higher, but the missed opportunities along with the recycled plot make it difficult to give it too high a mark. But if Gage can work his magic with the next few issues, I'll make a conscious effort to stop mentioning Mike Carey so often in my X-men Legacy reviews. Keep in mind I made a conscious effort to quit drinking before, so try and taper your expectations. Nuff said!

Astonishing X-men #46 - Multiverse Madness (of Awesome)

In most other spheres of my life, I don't like surprises (when I'm sober). If a woman knocks on my door armed with a baseball bat in one hand and a paternity test result in the other, I'd be pretty pissed about that. In comics, however, I don't mind surprises. Especially when it's the kind of surprise that takes a story that sucked in too many ways and adds in new elements that turn that suck into the kind of awesome you can mix with your speed. In my experience as a drunken fanboy, I've found that if the first few issues of an arc sucks the gerbil from a gay man's ass then chances are the whole arc will suck just as much. On rare exceptions (and by rare I mean photos of Michelle Bachmann going down on Nancy Polosi rare), a comic does start off lame but improves to something truly awesome. Like a total eclipse, it doesn't happen often, but when it does it's so beautiful that you may go blind if you stare at it too long.

Greg Pak's little field trip into the world of Astonishing X-men started off on shaky grounds. First there was that whole deceptive cover bit with Storm and Cyclops that got fanfiction writers imagining all sorts of depraved acts. Then there was the inclusion of yet another alternate X-men reality with new versions of Emma, Wolverine, Nightcrawler, and Kitty with shitty knock-off labels like Emmeile or adamantine. Yet despite these circumstances, Pak managed to put together a pretty intriguing story. First, he actually ties Astonishing into the shit that's going on in the other X-books. I know that doesn't seem like much, but to this point Astonishing has been so disconnected that it's like the Amish member of the X-men family. It centered around Cyclops being messed up about Schism and being led onto a mission with Storm, who just ended up being an alternate version Storm. It sounds like it shouldn't work, but Pak has defied the basic law that if it starts out fucked up it ends fucked up.

Astonishing X-men #45 was a great recovery issue from the insanity of the first. It helped introduce these alternate versions of the X-men and offered hints as to what kind of world they were stuck in. It's not your traditional post-apocalyptic scenario that is the basis for every anime series. It's actually slightly more fucked up if you can believe that. This man, calling himself the Savior, controls the world with his mind in a way that earns him the kind of worship that Pat Robertson only wish he had. He seems like a nice guy, but then we find out he's taking mutants from different alternate realities and using them like Duracell batteries for some fucked up machine. Cyclops and a few others including an alternate Wolverine break free. But the comic ended before we could get more of an explanation.

Astonishing X-men #46 provides that explanation in the very first few pages. First off, it reveals that the savior is actually Charles Xavier with Fabio style hair. Like so many other X-men realities, he sought to unite humans and mutants in a battle against Magneto. He succeed by opening his mind and sharing his thoughts with the world. It turns out, people weren't completely disgusted with the feeling and embraced him. Hell, if that's all it takes to bring peace than the X-men comics could have been resolved in two issues. I'll just assume the people of this reality are more gullible than the people who give money to a crack head and expect it back. But saving the world wasn't enough. Magneto threw in one last fuck you and uses his powers to destroy the Earth's electromagnetic field, killing millions in a very Ultimatum-like way minus the horrendous blood porn. That's where those mutant-powered batteries came in. That's what allowed the Savior to fix the planet. Unfortunately, he ran out of mutants and started lifting them from other realities. I know there are an infinite number of realities according to comic book physics, but it still counts as a dick move.

That freaky scene at the end of the last issue turns out to be exactly what it looks like. The Savior didn't stop at just using his own mind to fuck with people. He actually went out of his way to take countless other Xaviers from other alternate universe, cut off their heads, and use them in his giant Cerebro of horrors. It's a pretty elaborate and disturbing contraption. It's like a serial killer that collects the hands of his victims. Except in the Savior's case, this collection is more useful. Using his powers, he starts psychically attacking Cyclops and the rest of the alternate world X-men he freed. With power like that, it's only a matter of time before you start shitting your brain out throuogh your eyes.

It would have made for a short fight. Then the kid Nightcrawler that looks like he was taken right out of an episode of X-men Evolution finds out that the Savior could get a part in that Hoarding show on National Geographic. Remember when he mentioned how he took mutants from multiple realities? Well it turns out he took a shit ton of Magnetos from other realities, leaving to a surplus of spare helmets. Now I don't know why the Savior wouldn't throw away a bunch of contraptions that allow people to block out his psychic attacks, but I guess he's like that kid who collects boogers in grade school. He just can't throw crap away. Plus, it's probably better to keep it under his watch than let it become a shitty fashion statement.

Armed with these helmets, Cyclops flexes his scrotum and leads this team of alternate world X-men in a battle against the Savior. And in a ill-fitting move, he teams up with Wolverine while he chooses to split up the others. I mean why would he do that? Why not just take the alternate Emma Frost and say "In my world, you're totally in love with me and you let me tit fuck you every five minutes." But that's just me.

Cyclops and the alternate Wolverine, or James as he's called here, fight their way towards the Savior. They maul through some of the Savior's henchmen along the way. But such action is standard. What stands out here is how Cyclops talks with this other Wolverine. Unlike other Astonishing X-men titles, the shit hat happens in other books does matter so the effects of Wolverine leaving really do bother him. This is where Greg Pak really shines because while this is not the Wolverine that Cyclops knows, his emotions surrounding Schism definitely shows. And unlike his Wolverine, this one is actually willing to listen. Alternate universe. Impossible shit is the only norm.

While Cyclops and Wolverine are making their way towards the Savior, Emmeline (alternate Emma Frost) works with kid Nightcrawler and a less perky version of Kitty Pryde to create a distraction. She starts by hitting the Savior with a psychic attack. All it does is give him a bloody nose and make him look like the Grateful Dead after diving into a pile of blow. He's able to retort and make her look like Ike Turner's last six girlfriends. It seems like a shitty move, but there is some strategy behind it. Cyclops may be in a shitty state personalty, but he's still a brilliant strategist. He's like the Dr. House of leadership.

Emmeline's attack gets the Savior's attention. With it, he sics Storm on them. That is, the same Storm that swapped spit with Cyclops earlier and seems to want to jump his bone at every turn. But even if this Storm can't keep her clam in it's shell, she still packs a punch. Kid Nightcrawler and Shadow (alternate Kitty Pryde) try to attack her. They catch her by surprise at first, but when you can shove lightning up someone's ass then it's really not a fair fight. It also doesn't help that Nightcrawler is still a kid and manages to teleport his way right into a crowd of armed men. So while Cyclops's strategy to divert the Savior's attention was sound, he might as well have teamed up with the three stooges.

Since his team did such a shitty job, Storm is able to fly back towards the Savior just in time to give them a 50,000 volt reminder that she can fry their balls whenever she gets bored. It ends the fight before Cyclops and Wolverine can get to the Savior. But she's not done yet. She's merciful enough to keep Cyclops's balls intact because she still probably wants to suck them. All dick jokes aside, she seems genuinely serious about wanting to win this Cyclops over. So she urges the Savior to go into his mind and show him the same thing he showed the rest of the world that brought about so much peace. He connects him to every mind on the planet.

It seems like a fucked up thing to do, but when you think about it this definitely has some philosophical underpinnings. Pretty much all of human conflict stems from the fact that most people can't think outside their own heads and for some it's often stuck up their ass. But by bypassing all the clutter and connecting to everyone's mind, we all in theory see just how similar and/or boring we truly are.

However, this understanding is pretty much lost on Cyclops. Even after sensing all the thoughts in this world, he makes clear that it's not enough to make him okay with using the multiverse to fuel a raging death machine that also massages the ego of a madman. This is Cyclops. He's too stubborn to see even a psychically induced taste of utter nirvana. I'm not sure if that makes him noble or just stupid. I can't help but wonder how shitty his LSD tolerance must be. Regardless, he puts Magneto's helmet back on and prepares to take on the Savior. It's sets the stage for a fight that leaves little room for talking out their differences and plenty of room for blowing shit up. That kind of thing is definitely worth waiting for in the next issue.

Ever since Joss Whedon left Astonishing X-men, the series has been more chaotic Courtney Love's mood swings when she's PMSing. It's been all too easy a title to ignore as the other X-books have improved in quality. Greg Pak does something special here. He makes his Astonishing arc actually have meaning to what's going on in the other X-books. It isn't just about Cyclops dealing with the events of Schism. In this he actually gets to interact with another Wolverine and take on another version of his mentor. He's shown the same things that brought peace to their world and still fought on. It isn't just another villain he's fighting. This Savior wants to save his world as well. That makes for a conflicting yet compelling struggle that Greg Pak makes into a brilliant story.

This issue definitely filled in the very ominous blanks left by the first two issues. In light of this issue, those two actually make much more sense now. It's still a little convoluted in the sense that it took two issues to make things salient. Certain aspects like using elements from a shitty story like Ultimatum made certain details a bit cliched. Even so, the action and the character interactions really fleshed this story out. It wasn't just an improvement over the previous issue. It was a complete retooling that painted a much clearer picture and used all the right elements to make it compelling.

While Greg Pak may not be staying on Astonishing X-men long term, he's definitely making his mark on this book. I admit I was pretty disappointed with his first issue, but he's done more than enough to redeem himself. He's shown in other Marvel books that he's resilient when it comes to tough stories. He pounds that point home with a sledge hammer here. This is without a doubt the best Astonishing X-men has been in years. It could still be better since not everything has come together just yet. With that in mind, I give Astonishing X-men #46 a 4 out of 5. Take comfort in this because that means this book is awesome in a way that isn't "walking through the raindrops of the continuity" as Marvel loves to put it. That shit wasn't working and unless you're okay with smelling like a cow's ass, you make the necessary change and they've done it with Greg Pak. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #260.1 - A New Legacy of Awesome

I tend to catch my share of flack for my drunken rantings on this blog. Sometimes it help that I'm too drunk to even remember the shit I wrote at times. My review for X-men Legacy #260 wasn't one of those reviews. I admit it was a bittersweet and disappointing moment in my history of drunken rants. I was genuinely dismayed at how Mike Carey chose to end his run on X-men Legacy, a book that he spent years turning into one of the most consistently awesome X-books on the racks. Between a seemingly needless plot with a needless character revival and needless scenes that show Magneto and Rogue swapping body fluids, there was too much for even my robust liver to process. But that doesn't mean I've given up on X-men Legacy and that doesn't mean my view on these characters is tainted, although the same can't be said for Rogue's pussy anymore.

The final issue of X-men Legacy (after the bullshit plot with Ariel was over), showed Rogue and most of her Legacy crew heading to Westchester to help Wolverine build the Jean Grey Institute for Higher Learning. It ended one era of X-men comics and entered another. So to set the stage for what this new era will entail, X-men Legacy released another one of Marvel's .1 issues under a new writer, Christos Gage. Aside from reminding me that I suck at math, this book also reminds readers that Mike Carey is gone. His legacy has been established and now it's Gage's turn to build on it. Despite the last issue, he has a daunting challenge ahead of him. He's like Peyton Manning's backup, sheltered behind a star and given very little chance. But Gage can still show that he's more Aaron Rogers than Curtis Painter. To do that, he'll have to show how the Legacy crew functions at the Jean Grey Institute and make it awesome.

He begins X-men Legacy #260.1 with the basics. Those football metaphors weren't just because I get extra drunk for the NFL playoffs every year. It was actually a prelude. Gage's first act for the legacy crew is for them to play a friendly game of mutant football on the grounds of the newly constructed institute. I never like to get too excited by just one panel, but I'm already liking the way Gage is thinking. It's what you would expect of a game of football if someone gave the Oakland Raiders steroids. It's full of superpowers, trash talk, and Rockslide gets obliterated worse than Joe Theisman's leg. Sure, he heals, but it's a nice light-hearted moment for the Legacy crew. Definitely a step up from Rogue boning Magneto.

The game ends in a way that was only slightly less exciting than the way the Broncos/Steelers Wild Card game ended where Tim Tebow cost me fifty bucks. Rockslide gets obliterated while Rogue shows off the control she has of her powers by not only pulling his sorry ass together, but making him more badass. It doesn't go unnoticed by Gambit, who has had a boner for her since Clinton was getting head from Monica. But this demonstration of control has a much larger message that Gambit and Frenzy realize. Rogue is moving forward with her newfound control and Gambit really is the same douche-bag he was back on Utopia, constantly looking for ways to bone her. Frenzy points this out to him, who still has wet panties for Cyclops. But neither are in a position to really bust each others balls so they agree to leave it in the past. They probably should have also agreed to check out a mysterious portal that opened not far from where Rockslide got the Ray Lewis treatment, but boners and wet panties come first I suppose.

That portal quickly turns into yet another crisis for the Jean Grey Institute. Fresh off the attack by Karoka, a sudden invasion of demons from another realm seems less daunting. Now some may be asking where the fuck these demons came from and how can they not be contrived? Well they actually serve a purpose here. While the Legacy crew and some of the Wolverine and the X-men crew get ready for battle, Beast actually uses this as an opportunity to lecture younger mutants on the finer points of demons. He assures everyone and the execs at Marvel that they're not ripoffs of the Alien movies. They're the N'garai, who hang out with the elder god, Cthon. I slept through my class on Marvel universe mythology so I won't begin to get into that, but makes this compelling is that Beast uses this lecture to essentially narrate what the X-men are up against. This way the reader doesn't have to sour wikipedia or get high to make their own conclusions. It's still a cliched demon invasion, but at least Christos Gage tries to make it feel logical.

And as true logic dictates, when demons come knocking on your door you treat them the same way you would treat a Jehovah's Witness. You fight back and if necessary, beat the everloving shit out of them. Like in previous Legacy books, Rogue leads the charge with Frenzy, Gambit, and Rachel Grey providing support. Even other non Legacy members like Iceman and Cannonball get involved, which helps make this book really feel like it's part of Team Wolverine now. In the background, Beast keeps lecturing as to how these creatures were sealed before and how they got out. It amounts to magic being an inexact (and horribly inefficient) science.

What really makes a .1 issue stand out in addition to reminding readers that math sucks is that it's organized as a much more coherent, self-contained story. Beast's lecture along with the battle between the Legacy crew and the N'garai help give this book the coherent feel that's so important to these titles. They could easily cut that shit out and make this just another issue of X-men Legacy. But then we wouldn't find out that all those little demons that the Legacy crew were slaying were the equivalent of worker ants. If you kill enough of them, the queen is going to take notice and as nature dictates the queen (or Mabdhara as Beast describes it) is always bigger and meaner than any of the other creatures. Except this one actually talks and threatens to use the bodies of the X-men to make the portal into her realm wider, presumably so she can move more of her shit into their domain. Sounds a lot like my ex-girlfriend, but not quite as cruel.

The battle quickly turns against the Legacy crew. The Mabdhara, also like my ex-girlfriend, is much meaner and more aggressive than her warrior drones. She quickly surrounds the Legacy crew and begins to overwhelm them. Then in true Legacy fashion, Rogue takes charge and comes up with a plan. She leaves the others to hold their own for a while, which sounds like a dick move until you find out what she's doing. First, she gets Cannonball's volatile sister, Paige, to take care of the demons that snuck past the X-men. Then she borrows powers from a couple of students. She doesn't even make them feel woozy either like she used to. She just reassures them that all the loud banging noises are nothing to be worried about. That's what my landlord told me about the neighbors/S&M club in my old apartment building. You know it's bullshit, but you just learn to accept it.

Armed with these new powers, Rogue storms out like an elemental titan. She has the size and grandeur of Kaorka, who joined the institute at the end of the first arc of Wolverine and the X-men. She also has Idie's powers. So the Mabdhara and her N'garai thugs really don't stand a chance. Rogue looks as badass as you would expect in an X-men Legacy book, stomping out the demon hoards in the same way 11th grade English class stomps out a student's will to live. Gambit, Frenzy, and the others get a few shots in, but it's Rogue who sends the demons packing. They eventually realize that they stand no chance and tuck whatever qualifies as their dicks between their legs and runs off.

It's a visually stunning way to end a fight that was nicely drawn out and perfectly orchestrated. These were all marks of Mike Carey's run and Christos Gage continues that theme nicely. Moreover, he continues the progress that Rogue made throughout Carey's run. Before Carey, Rogue really couldn't control her powers and she didn't have much authority with the X-men. This scene sends a clear message. Rogue not only has control. She has the credibility and respect of the other X-men. She's seen as a leader, a role that Cyclops took from her after Second Coming. It not only builds on what Mike Carey established, but it takes it to a new level under Gage.

The demons are gone and the inevitable clean-up begins. We're left to assume that the Jean Grey Institute either has significant emergency funds or the most understanding insurance company in the history of the universe. But while they're cleaning, Rogue and Gambit have a chat. But it's not the kind of chat you would expect from two characters that have been undressing each other with their eyes for nearly two decades. She just reminds Gambit that she has more control over herself than she did before, which probably means she's not going to be letting him in her panties anytime soon. Gambit really doesn't push either. It seems pretty pointless in some ways because most X-men readers know of their history. It seems utterly lost on them. It just reinforces what Rogue's huge display of power already made apparent. She's determined to protect the kids of the school from the kind of bullshit that fucked her up for years. It's a nice way of setting up the theme for X-men Legacy, but utterly ignores the underlying drama between these characters.

Not content to deal with old drama, Gage throws in a twist at the end to set up a new kind of drama. Since Rogue doesn't seem keen on inviting Gambit for a post-victory fuck, he meets up with Frenzy. It's understandable too since they're both struggling with dramas that involve love interests that won't fuck them. Gambit reflects on how Rogue doesn't depend on anybody anymore, therefore making her less inclined to sleep with him. Frenzy still belittles him, but that doesn't stop them from sharing a nice kiss at the end. It sounds random, but given all the sexual frustration these two endure it's amazing they haven't humped the first thing with a pulse.

I'm not against Gambit/Frenzy becoming a new couple. Let's face it, it's nowhere near as fucked up as some of the other pairings Marvel has thrown together over the years. This is one I'm sure some fans won't mind jerking off to, but others might be a bit put off by how Gambit and Rogue just seem completely uninterested in one another. Granted, Gambit's still probably emasculated after Rogue boned Magneto, but his relationship with her has never been overtly addressed. It feels like this relationship is being set up before the details surrounding Gambit and Rogue are filled in. Seeing as how Gambit/Rogue has some pretty rabid fans out there, I imagine this is going to piss them off worse than Tim Tebow pisses off atheists.

Whenever a comic goes through a transitional period, it's expected to be a little rough at times. It's not unlike taking a really big shit after having binged on tacos after getting drunk at two in the morning. It's a painful, yet necessary part of the process of life. The transition from Mike Carey to Christos Gage wasn't quite as messy. At times it was hard to notice a real change since so many of Mike Carey's stories are so deeply entrenched. But Gage definitely established a different tone. Now it's really not clear if this is just because the team is now at the Jean Grey Institute, in which case it wouldn't have mattered if Mike Carey stayed. But this issue really came off as Gage's attempt to show that he could write an X-men comic. At times it seems like he tries too hard, but he still succeeds.

Gage was very basic here. He had the Legacy crew interacting with a number of other Team Wolverine characters and each other. Not a whole lot was revealed from this. Rogue is still an aspiring leader and visionary, but her interactions with the others really didn't show much drama. She still looked pretty badass with how she used her powers, which she did daily in Carey's run so it's nice to see that Gage has kept that tradition. The final scene with Frenzy and Gambit seemed only somewhat random, but it didn't feel nearly as contrived as it could have been. Gambit and Rogue haven't been shown as being into each other since George W. Bush was still president. It's long overdue that something else come along and establish a new sense of drama.

Overall, this was a solid first issue for Gage. It had everything one could want in an X-men Legacy comic. It does a great job of taking the tone established by Jason Aaron in Wolverine and the X-men and integrating it into the style of storytelling of X-men Legacy. It's definitely a transition book and these books are always difficult to grade. Like my old algebra class, you have to use a curve or else you'll just skew the results. So with that in mind I'm giving X-men Legacy #260.1 a 4 out of 5. Part of me wants it to be lower. Part of me wants it a bit higher. But Gage really didn't make too many egregious mistakes here and he did utilize some compelling plots. So for that, I'll leave this score as tentative. Whether or not it sticks depends on how future issues are developed. For now, this is a solid X-men Legacy title. I'm sure I'll still catch shit for my assessment of this and previous X-men Legacy issues. That only means I have more excuses to get drunk. Thanks haters! Nuff said.

X-men #23 - Internationally Imported Awesome

X-men Regenesis has been like a long overdue enema. It feels uncomfortable as hell at first, but when you see all the shit that it clears out you wonder how you ever let it get that fucked up. Every X-men comic has benefited from Regenesis in some way. Few have benefited as greatly as Victor Gischler's adjectiveless X-men. His series was once the forgotten, abused, and readily ignored step-child of the X-books. It wasn't a bad book by any stretch, but it wasn't going to steal your attention and hold it in a death grip either. It was mediocre at best and forgetable at worst. X-men Regenesis changed that and it didn't need to use a vampire gimmick this time.

Gischler's X-book has always been sound on paper, much like the first script for Battlefield Earth. It's supposed to show the X-men interacting with the greater Marvel universe. It's done this, albeit with mixed results that can't quite compare to the depravity of Battlefield Earth. But X-men Regenesis gave it a fresh lease on life by actually setting up a team with which to associate the book. Storm takes the lead as she probably should have done from the beginning. You just aren't as likely to fuck with someone who can literally shoot a lightning bolt up your ass. Others such as Psylocke, Colossus, Domino, Warpath, and vampire Jubilee joined as well. It's the kind of team that has a unique identity, but are still distinctly X-men. Plus, they have a vampire in their ranks for crying out loud. You can't have a good X-book without catering to the tween crowd now can you?

The first arc of Regenesis style X-men has been a surprising dose of thrills, political intrigue, and giant robots. All are perfect ingredients for an X-book or a Michael Bay film, minus the $200 million budget. It started with a black market deal for sentinels that ended up in the hands of a small oddly named country of Puternicstan, who with the lead of a Hillary Clinton wannabe unleash their stolen sentinels on the equally oddly named country of Symkaria. Since the X-men like to involve themselves in all things sentinel (or they just see fighting robots as a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon), they get involved. Along the way, they cross paths with War Machine. At first he tells the X-men to back off. Storm, being a freakin' queen last I checked, smiles and nods before giving him the finger once he turns his back. They eventually cross paths again and start working together, but by then it was too late. Puternicstan launched their attack and the first pages of X-men #23 show Storm's team leading the charge to take them down before robot wars become too trendy.

The one setting this trend is the Hillary Clinton-esque governor of Puternicstan I mentioned earlier. She's shown to have bigger balls than all the candidates in the GOP (which I know may not be saying much, but you get the picture). She's actually bold enough to launch an attack with robots on their neighbor. Some might call that ballsy, but even those with penises have a problem with that. While she watches the X-men fight her sentinel army, one of her own generals tries to stop her. Apparently having a penis doesn't automatically make you okay with starting a war. Unfortunately, the governor's vagina is that much more powerful because she has her own people contain the traitorous bastard. Somewhere out there, radical feminists are masturbating to this scene. And I have no desire to deprive them so I'll simply shut up for a moment.

Done ladies? Okay, back to the X-men. They're also sort of iffy on the whole launching a robot war thing. In the last issue Warpath and Psylocke caught up with Domino, who managed to avoid being dissected and sold to necrophiliacs. With her help they manage to find a low level scientist that they hope can help them find the off switch for these sentinels. Because scientists in the Marvel universe have more brain cells than those in the Matrix or the Terminator universe. They actually go out of their way to ensure that their killer robots have off switches. I can only assume that scientists in certain fictional universes get drunk on the job more often than I do and that's why simple shit like this slips their mind.

They find out that there is in fact a central control area where they can end this shit. Unfortunately, the governor of Puternicstan has brains in addition to her vagina. So that means she has alarms go off when someone starts busting their way into the master control room. She ends up sending her security forces to go slow them down. It may sound like your typical throw-your-henchmen-at-the-heroes-to-be-humiliated type command, but she also hasn't forgotten that time is on her side. She's already launched the sentinels. Domino, Warpath, and Psylocke have no hope of getting backup from their friends. On top of that the sentinels do land a few lucky blows, namely against War Machine since he doesn't fight sentinels as often in his spare time. SO that screws up the X-men's mojo. So that means they need to find that off switch and find it fast.

While they're fighting their way through, the battle with Storm, Colossus, Jubilee, and War Machine continues taking some unexpected turns. Despite War Machine's inexperience in fighting robot mutant killers, he's able to pick himself up and salvage at least some of his dignity. A battle against the X-men and sentinels is rarely fair, but in a year where the Detroit fucking Lions made the playoffs it's not unheard of that unexpected twists emerge. You could argue that Jubilee, who isn't even a mutant anymore, hot wiring a sentinel and crashing it into the ground is novel. It adds to a beautifully organized battle scene in the skies that's much nicer to drool over than the bland Eastern European government buildings that the others are fighting in. But this only sets up another twist.

It's worth reminding that Victor Gischler was the one that turned Jubilee into a vampire. Pretty much every story surrounding Jubilee's vampirism has come from Gischler. Now say what you will about the decision to do this. Yeah, maybe Marvel was trying to appeal to the Twilight crowd without getting too gay. But Jubilee's character has taken on some amazing twists since she became a blood sucker. Her being a vampire has led to far more novel stories than her just being a mutant. That's my opinion and if you disagree than we can agree to disagree and share a bong hit. Except you have to buy the weed.

That said, when Jubilee crashes the sentinel she encounters someone unexpected. He's not someone who has any part in the whole Puternicstan conflict. He claims he's been watching Jubilee, presumably in the same way horny teenage girls watch Robert Pattinson take his shirt off on the beach through a pair of binoculars (or maybe that's just my ex-girlfriend). Who is this guy? It's not clear, but he does resemble a character that was introduced in a previous issue of Gischler's adjectiveless X-men. He was a vampire that Xavier encountered back in the day when he wasn't mind wiping students and imprisoning Danger. He claims that he can show Jubilee a whole new world. I'm sure that's code for "I'm getting in your panties tonight and there's nothing you can do about it." But whatever the subtext, Jubilee completely disappears after this scene.

She couldn't have picked a worse time to disappear either. By now the sentinels are swarming around Storm, Colossus, and War Machine. The governor of Puternicstan is trying to one-up Hillary Clinton and hit the X-men with a healthy dose of overkill. They start landing some lucky blows. Yes, even mindless robot killers can get lucky every now and then and not in a very fetish sounding way. Even Storm gets herself in trouble when one of the sentinels grabs her. Yet all this time War Machine is contributing absolutely nothing. For a crossover book, he's really not affecting much. He's just adding some guns to the fight, but who needs guns when you've got a guy with Juggernaut's power and a chick with lightning? He's basically an afterthought that really can't change the tide of this battle. Suddenly that off switch is sounding very appealing.

While this battle is going on, the others have fought their way to the master control room. The Hillary Clinton wannabe tries to stop them, but then Domino knocks her out by making her kiss the butt of her gun (not a lesbian joke). She had Domino captured. She knocks her out. Sounds fair. Then Psylocke is able to get in touch with Madison Jefferies back on Utopia, who helps her decipher the systems that the fine folk of Peternicstan have used to hijack the sentinels. If it's programmed like typical Eastern European hardware, I can only assume that the ability to use Windows Vista without pulling your hair out renders you overqualified for the task. Jefferies helps Psylocke enter the shut-down code and that's what ends the battle. It sounds a bit overly easy, but if you just wanted the X-men to destroy all the robots then you're just greedy. Despite the words of Gordon Gecko, that's just not good in this context.

But it doesn't stop with shutting down the sentinels. Once all is calm, the comic flashes forward a bit. We find out that War Machine actually does prove useful in some areas. He calls in some favors from his buddies at NATO to clean up the mess in Puternicstan. They also arrest the Hillary Clinton wannabe and put her on trail. It's not the flashy kind of heroics that you would see in Uncanny X-men or Wolverine and the X-men. It's treated like a security threat with law, lawyers, and governments. It's more exciting than it sounds and it succeeds in setting the tone for this book. I suppose even political junkies that watch C-SPAN need a comic to call their own these days.

But the mission isn't over. In fact, the stage was already set for the next conflict in this series several pages back. When Storm returns to Utopia, she reports to Cyclops that they looked everywhere and couldn't find Jubilee. I'm pretty sure that her running off with a mysterious boy that may or may not be trying to get into her pants is a concern, but her own well-being is probably just as great a concern. And Storm makes it clear that she's not going to consider her mission a success until she finds Jubilee. She's just that kind of woman and if that guy actually does manage to screw with Jubilee, then I'm sure Storm will see to it that Mother Nature renders him a eunuch.

Some may find this ending annoying. I, for one, enjoyed it and not because I tend to read my comics while I'm drunk. This first arc succeeded as the first arcs of Uncanny X-men and Wolverine and the X-men succeeded. It firmly established the theme of the series. From the beginning of the arc to the end, Gischler made clear that this was a unique brand of X-men. They take on the kind of security threats that could upset the ever so fragile order that the X-men kind of need. But this series set itself apart. Before everything with Puternicstan was resolved, the conflict for the next arc was set into motion. And wouldn't you know it? Vampire Jubilee, the same Vampire Jubilee that Gischler created with his first arc, is at the center of it. So not only is the plot for this arc resolved, but the conflict for the next arc has already begun. It's like a preview within an ending. It may confuse some, but if it doesn't get you excited for the next issue then you're either too high or just a dick.

Compared to recent arcs of adjectiveless X-men, this was by far the best. It was an improvement on every level. It wasn't perfect. I have a hard time placing it on the same level as Wolverine and the X-men or Uncanny X-men because those two books have an established tradition of awesome. X-men still has the baggage of mediocrity to overcome. It definitely made strides here. It was complete on some levels. These books are supposed to utilize the greater Marvel universe and War Machine was kind of lost in this issue. But the theme was still in place and Gischler made it work through a solid mix of politics, social commentary, and robots blowing up. That's basically a metaphor for X-men as a whole.

I'm really glad that this series has improved. When I first heard about this series, I was excited at the prospect of the X-men having a book solely dedicated to utilizing other characters from the Marvel universe. But that excitement was overshadowed by the quality X-books that completely outshined it like Uncanny X-Force and Schism. There was really little reason to follow this book, but Regenesis has made the most compelling argument yet for X-men fans to add this to their pull list. It has Storm leading the X-men, other Marvel heroes joining them, and the potential for more killer robots. Seriously, what more do you need? That's why I give X-men #23 a 4.5. It's back to basics with X-men. They fight killer robots and save misguided teenagers. So what if one of them is a vampire now? She's basically the best blood-sucker on the market until the next season of True Blood begins. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #260 - The End of a Legacy

Whenever a great era in anything ends there's some sort of fanfare. In the old days people would celebrate with drinking, parades, and orgies whichever came first. Comics have their share of eras. There was the golden age, the silver age, the guilded age, the fuck-comics-will-make-us-rich age, and the fuck-we're-going-bankrupt age. They all had their moments and the X-men were often part of those moments. As Marvel's biggest and often most overblown series, it's not uncommon for writers to make their mark on the books. It's just uncoming that they make that mark for so long. Chris Claremont did it for nearly two decades. The closest second...Mike Carey's run on X-men Legacy, which officially came to an end with issue 260.

The issues leading up to this final arc have been some of Mike Carey's best. He was able to tell a story that not only got Rachel, Havok, and Polaris back in the picture, but also utilized aliens. It's like the hot sauce of comics. A dash of aliens can spice up any story. But with two issues left, Mike Carey's next challenge was a bit more daunting. He had to catch X-men Legacy up with the events of Regenesis. He also had to have Havok, Rachel, and Polaris adjust to the new status quo of the X-men because before they were MIA, the team was still operating out of San Francisco and there wasn't another red haired, green eyed mutant messiah that looked like Jean Grey with Phoenix powers running around. While it was disappointing that we never saw just how far their jaws fell to the floor, it did open up another conflict involving another character that is supposed to be dead. That would be Ariel. Apparently, there was more demand to bring her back after her death in Second Coming (not more than two fucking years ago mind you) than Jean Grey. Now I have no idea where that demand is or how Marvel surmised it. I've been trying to smoke enough weed to help me wrap my head around it. So far no luck and my sperm count is now at 0. Thanks Marvel!

X-men Legacy #259 set up the last big moment for Mike Carey and as anyone that has followed his run to some degree would expect, it involves Rogue. It follows her as she makes her decision on who to follow after the big Schism. While we already know she goes with Wolverine, Carey is telling a story that shows she didn't just flip a fucking coin to figure this out. She's one of the few X-men that are respected in nearly every circle so she has incentive NOT to fuck this up. But while she was deciding, she discovered that they encountered a guest of sort when she made her way back to Earth with Rachel, Havok, and Polaris. Apparently, Ariel wasn't dead. She just got trapped in between dimensions. It's sort of like being lost on the Jersey Turnpike, but not quite as hazardous.

X-men Legacy #260 starts out by explaining just how Ariel ended up in this mess. Rogue fills in the blanks, flashing back to the events of Second Coming for those whose attention span with comics doesn't go back more than a few years. She was looking for Hope along with Wolverine and X-23. Then Bastion showed up and hit them with a missile. Being a teleporter, Ariel did what any normal human being would do that doesn't involve shitting her pants. She tried to teleport away. Like the knee-jerk reaction to zip up your pants when your mother catches you masturbating, it does not turn out well. Except instead of a scarred scrotum, you end up stuck between dimensions.

After Rogue tells her story to Cyclops and the science team, they put it on her shoulders to find a way to get Ariel back in one piece. Since she's the key to getting to this dimensional back alley, she has to be responsible. While she's musing over how she's going to handle this shit, she catches up with Rachel. We still never see her reaction to all the changes that have taken place since she's been gone or her opinion on Hope Summers if she has one. If it doesn't bother her that someone with the Phoenix Force (something she used to possess at least in part) that also looks like her dead mother is running around, then space fucked her up more than all the liquor in Las Vegas. She seems more concerned about Korvus, the alien she engaged in a little inter-species fetish play for a while. Rachel laments how Korvus isn't getting along well with the others. Losing his connection to the Phoenix Force just fucked him up. While it's nice they mention the Phoenix Force, they really don't seem to touch on the simple fact that the potential source is right on the island.

This is yet another missed opportunity. I was hoping that at some point Mike Carey would take some time to show Rachel, Havok, and Polaris reacting to Hope Summers. There's a very good reason to bring it up. During their adventure in space, Rachel and Korvus lost their connection to the Phoenix Force. Yet they don't even bother to mention Hope Summer? That's not just a missed opportunity. That's a ass ugly oversight of cosmic proportions. Even if Cyclops just told them off hand to not mention the Phoenix around Hope, it would have been enough. But it's flat out ignored here. For Mike Carey, that's enormously disappointing because he usually doesn't let plots like this dangle. This is a 900 pound gorilla fucking a giant squid and he's able to ignore it. Go figure.

The story quickly goes back to rescuing Ariel, a character that pretty much nobody mentioned or seemed to give three tenths of a shit about until this arc. Rogue manages to catch up with Hellion, who in an early X-men Legacy arc amped up his douche-factor to 11 when he nearly killed someone. She convinces him to help in this rescue effort. Frenzy even loans her some invulnerability like she did in the last arc. Cyclops and Dr. Nemesis express as much confidence as they probably would in Rick Santorum's presidential campaign. But they give Rogue a chance to do what she does best aside from wearing uniforms that show almost as much cleavage as Emma Frost.

The dimension they enter isn't very elaborate or detailed for that matter. In fact, it's pretty basic. Ariel is still a disembodied mess like she was at the end of the previous issue. Only a minor struggle ensues. Again, there's more missed potential for story here. It could have been much more of a spectacle. However, it isn't a walk down South Beach with a bag of cocaine and couple of half-naked supermodels. Hellion has to step it up here and actually save a life rather than recklessly endanger one. Yeah, he's still a douche after what he did in Legacy and in X-23. But he actually is able to step up in a way that's actually heroic.

Now if you read X-23 #19 (and you totally should), you may come off thinking that Hellion is a complete asshole. Well he is to some degree, but this comic shows he's capable of being a decent human being. He's able to take Ariel in her disembodied form and put her back together cell by cell. That's like trying to paint a mural with the head of a fucking pin blindfolded. And he pulls it off. Ariel is back in one piece and Dr. Nemesis has to say he was wrong to underestimate Rogue. Ah, who am I kidding. Dr. Nemesis never says he's wrong! He just concedes that Ariel is alive and starts treating her. So Marvel brings her back and keeps Jean Grey dead? I honestly don't know what to make of it.

That notion alone is mind-boggling enough. But what happens next is so fucked up that I can't describe it without shooting high-grade moonshine into my brain stem. After Rogue succeeds in rescuing Ariel, the scene shifts to that night and for reasons that aren't explained in any great detail she's naked in bed with Magneto. No, this isn't some poorly done piece of NC-17 fanfiction. No I'm not so high that I'm hallucinating my own comics again. This actually happens. Rogue is in bed with Magneto, they've presumably just swapped body fluids, and they're cuddling up in ways that give Twilight fans pussy boners. This after only a few issues back Rogue tells Magneto that she owes him nothing and doesn't see past all the bullshit he's inflicted. Yet she still bones him? After nothing was resolved with her and Gambit? I expect this shit from bad fanfiction writers that didn't complete 7th grade English, but not from Mike Carey. He's been very careful with the Rogue/Magneto relationship at times, but this is just a complete overfuck of the situation that I can't make sense of this with a sober or drunk mind.

This is worse than a missed opportunity. This is Mike Carey screwing up something that he was once the best at NOT screwing up. Other less talented writers are supposed to do shitty transitions that are random and completely out of character. Mike Carey is supposed to be more talented than that and for most of his run, he has been. So why the lapse? Why now of all times does he just throw Rogue and Magneto in bed together with no rhyme or reason? It does absolutely nothing to further the story in this issue. All it does is take a big steaming shit on an incredible legacy that Mike Carey spent years building.

After waking up from a hangover and cleaning up the vomit stains from this scene, we get another hastily glossed over plot that was also a missed opportunity. Korvus, still fucked up from not having the Phoenix Force anymore, is sent to meet up with the space thugs that the X-men crossed paths with during the last major arc. Apparently the whole relationship he built up with Rachel means jack shit now because he's sent to be the captain of this band of degenerates. Remember, their last captain screwed them over. Pretty much anyone aside from a drunk would be an upgrade. It's a decision that you would expect would have more drama, but it just seems like a way to get Korvus out of the picture because he wasn't message boards excited enough.

The whole issue is in a tailspin at this point, but in the end Mike Carey does manage to get his shit back on track before the stench becomes too overpowering. After all this random shit that pretty much destroys the issue, it finally gets back to the central theme of Rogue deciding on which side to join. She confronts Cyclops and basically tells him in a well-thought out and well-reasoned way that he's changed. It used to be that he had all these doubts and insecurities. Then he started boning Emma Frost and united the X-men and suddenly his balls are too big for the universe to handle. Well that worries Rogue and she actually tells Cyclops that he needs those insecurities. With that criticism, she decides to go with Wolverine and her role in the X-men Regenesis status quo is cemented. Then with Ariel, she travels to the ruins of the Xavier Institute to begin the rebuilding process with Wolverine. If only she had time to rebuild the damage to her credibility in this issue, but even the physics of comic books have limits.

Now I can't take anything away from Mike Carey. His run was a success by pretty much every measure. You don't have one of the longest tenures in the history of X-men without being successful on some levels. Mike Carey has delivered some amazing X-men stories, some of which I've reviewed and gone out of my way to praise in ceremonies that involve animal sacrifice. However, this was a shitty way to end such a wonderful run. So much wasted potential and some inexcusable WTF with Rogue and Magneto makes this issue a real disappointment. Mike Carey made his run special by focusing on character-based stories. He was great at scrutinizing the little things and avoiding the random WTF moments that you see in comics with more flash than flare. Reading this issue, you would never know that these were his strengths. They rescue Ariel. That's all find and dandy, but it really doesn't fit into what Rogue and the others were dealing with regarding Schism. That and her boning Magneto just destroyed the credibility that Carey spent half a decade building up.

While it was a disappointing issue, there were some strong elements that deserve praise. The final scene with Rogue and Scott was definitely the highlight. She actually addressed an important issue that has played out in other books like Schism and Uncanny X-men. She tells Cyclops that those doubts and insecurities he used to have are now a strength. His current attitude just doesn't work for her and pretty much everyone else that decided to go with Wolverine. She spoke for the entire Legacy crew minus Magneto. In addition, Ariel's little foray into other dimensions was resolved. Yes, it came at the expense of other conflicts involving Rachel, the Shi'ar, and other characters that people give more fucks about. But it was resolved.

So now that Mike Carey's run is over, I'm left with mixed feelings. I feel as though he should have ended with the arc that brought Havok, Rachel, and Polaris back because that would have ended everything on a high note. Instead, he had to do this one two-issue arc that leaves fans scratching their heads and vomiting uncontrollably from the thought of Rogue giving head to a guy that's probably three times her age. It really is a disappointment, but it doesn't take away from all the other great stories that Mike Carey has told. His legacy with X-men Legacy is solid if not somewhat cracked by these final two issues. I give X-men Legacy #260 a 2 out of 5, but Mike Carey's run in general is beyond scoring. He's done more for the X-books than most writers or fans could ever hope to do without blowing every top executive at Marvel and Disney several times over. So the bullshit in this issue not withstanding, I thank Mike Carey from the bottom of my heart for his work. May his legacy live on in the wet dreams of every Rogue fan from here until the end of time! Nuff said.