After decades of fans speculating how two super-powered beings go about humping without causing a 6.5 tremor on the Rictor scale, DC finally did it. They hooked up Superman and Wonder Woman. It's a romance that has been unfolding in the pages of Justice League and has been billed as more than a gimmick. DC is apparently serious about having these two be together. It's several steps up from the way Marvel handles romance. As evidenced by their handling of relationships like Cyclops/Emma or Hulk/Red She Hulk, they seem to derive much of their understanding of relationships from pornos and Two and a Half Men reruns. But could the success surrounding the hype between Superman and Wonder Woman's prospective boning inspire Marvel to do a shameless ripoff? Well, I think that question answers itself. But there may be a chance they'll actually put some effort into it.
Earlier this week, Jason Aaron posted a future cover of Wolverine and the X-men, a series he has been writing since its inception, on his Twitter feed. It hasn't made national news like the Superman/Wonder Woman hookup. Hell, it hasn't even generated as much insanity as the Northstar/Kyle marriage in Astonishing X-men. But it definitely has the potential to inspire many boners, soak many panties, and inspire a new influx of adult fanfiction that puts 50 Shades of Gray to shame.
That's exactly what it looks like, at least for the moment. Storm is kissing Wolverine in such a way that you would never suspect that Storm recently came out of a failed marriage. It's one of the few bright spots in the shit stain that was Avengers vs. X-men. Storm's loyalty to the X-men and the subsequent destruction of Wakanda led Black Panther to annul their marriage. It was long overdue for a marriage that was pulled out of the deepest recesses of Marvel's ass in such a way that I suspect it was basically done over a bar bet at three in the morning. It was a marriage more doomed than Vanilla Ice's comeback tour. And now that she's single again, she can get back to mingle. And who better than Wolverine?
Now I'm still partially sober so I'm not going to try assume too much. Usually with Marvel, the only assumptions you can make is that at some point they will fuck with readers. They're not afraid to tease, taunt, and flat out lie to get their kicks. Case and point, the cover of Astonishing X-men #44.
This was a cover that Marvel actually made a big deal of, probably because it ended up being more deceptive than a Mitt Romney campaign ad. Yes, Cyclops and Storm kissed. No, it didn't lead to jack shit. That storm in the picture is a Storm from an alternate universe where she and Cyclops did regularly exchange body fluids. It was part of Greg Pak's arc, Exhaulted (a story you should totally read by the way). But in the end it didn't amount to much. Cyclops was still boning Emma Frost by the end and the alternate universe Storm stayed back in her universe just in time to see it fall apart.
So with that in mind, this latest cover of Storm swapping spit with the guy who hates Cyclops the most could be just as deceptive. They could be under mind control. They could be Skrulls. Or they could just be drunk, horny, and lonely. Comic characters need to unwind too, you know? But since Marvel has yet to make a big deal out of this shit the way DC did with Wonder Woman and Superman, I'm not expecting it to be more meaningful than my last visit to a Tijuana brothel.
But if by chance Marvel does decide to not fuck with readers for once, they have a great opportunity here. The Storm/Black Panther relationship was more contrived than Glenn Beck's understanding of American history. But Storm and Wolverine actually do have a history. They haven't been official fuck buddies, but they have had their moments. First, there's scenes like this in the 616 comics.
Then there were scenes like this from the Ultimate comics before Marvel fucked them up beyond repair.
Then there was a whole fucking episode of them as a married couple in the X-men animated series. No, I'm not drunk even if I was stoned for most of the 90s. It really happened.
So like Superman and Wonder Woman, the idea has always been there. In fact, I've taken that idea and run with it in my own X-men Supreme fanfiction series. I hooked them up in Issue 56: District X Part 3. Hell, I'm so in favor of this relationship that I dedicated an entire fucking section of my website to pictures with them. I think it goes without saying that I support this relationship. It makes a lot of sense. These two complement each other in a way Storm never did with Black Panther and Jean Grey never did with Wolverine. They're both tough, determined, and have a spiritual connection with nature. That means they can relate to one another and bone in ways that would render every porno ever made obsolete.
But that may be the problem. It makes way too much fucking sense for these two to get together. And as we've seen with Avengers vs. X-men, Marvel is pathologically adverse to doing shit that makes sense. So while the idea is clearly there and clearly established, the chances of them actually carrying it out in the same way DC did with Superman and Wonder Woman is pretty slim. And even if they do go through with it, what are the chances that Marvel actually makes these two more serious than a drunken hook-up at a frat party? I guess that means the Wolverine/Storm shippers of the world are stuck with fanfiction stories like X-men Supreme. Oh well! Nuff said!
