Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine and the X-men #3

As any self-respecting drunk will admit, there are many things done wasted that are never done sober. Some acts are just so stupid that it requires hindering the function of certain areas of the brain to carry out. What sober mind would ever smear themselves in chocolate sauce, break into a sorority house, and ask if any of the girls is in the mood for an oversized candy bar? I’m not saying it’s a terrible idea. I’m just saying it’s easier to see how things will backfire when sober. It takes an astonishing level of weapons grade stupidity for someone in a sober mind to do something as crazy as lure a pissed off Wolverine and Storm into a trap. That’s like inviting a pyromaniac into a fireworks factory. But that’s exactly what the Phoenix Corporation did in the pages of Wolverine and the X-men when they abducted Kid Omega. Now in Wolverine and the X-men #3, they have to give Storm and Wolverine a reason not to horribly maim them. And they don’t have the luxury of blaming alcohol. In other words, it sucks to be them.

And the list of reasons to give the Phoenix Corporation the Enron treatment only keeps growing. The Odin wannabe who attacked Wolverine and Storm in the previous issue keeps on mind-fucking them. For some reason, this involves having he recall an essay that Genesis presented about differences. I guess it’s intended to provide context about the difference between individuals of a species. But it fails miserably. Spread some white out on it and nothing is lost. It really adds nothing to the story or the drama. I doubt it even succeeds at pissing off storm. But what does piss her off is reminding her that she’s claustrophobic. So perhaps the old man could have skipped a step. I can’t remember I ever found some kid reading a science essay engaging that didn’t involve sex ed.

Once Storm is sufficiently pissed off, she shakes off the telepathic mind-fucking in the same way most people shake off hangnails. It’s a beautiful thing and Wolverine even acknowledges it with a little monologue. I’m pretty sure he has a raging boner too, but he wouldn’t be the only one. She hits him hard with some lightning and makes it clear that she doesn’t appreciate being mind-fucked and she appreciates it even less when some creepy old guy threatens her students, which is why I’m pretty sure the Vatican has never paid a visit to the Jean Grey Institute. I agree with Wolverine that watching Storm unleash her badassery is a beautiful thing. It’s just really hard to hide a boner.

The old man wisely figures out that he has very little chance against a pissed off Storm. He already revealed his plan. He needs to take down Genesis to prevent a future where a clash between him and a Phoenix-powered Kid Omega turns the planet into burnt toast. So he goes back to playing on easy mode, mind-fucking some of the bamfs that tagged along to lend support. He has them transport him back to the Jean Grey Institute where he would then have to face an army of teenage mutants. That’s still better than facing a pissed off Storm, but not by much.

But the mind-fucking doesn’t end there. Not by a longshot. The Phoenix Corporation abducted Kid Omega and the only way to really get through to him is either through mind-fucking or beautiful naked women. I guess the Phoenix Corporation doesn’t have enough beautiful naked women so the CEO, Eden Young, goes with the mind-fucking route. I still say that’s almost as foolish as pissing off Storm and Wolverine, but Entron and Worldcom have already shown that successful corporations don’t have to be smart. They just have to be brazen.

The inside of Kid Omega’s mind is one part planetarium and two parts Steven King. Kid Omega acts like his usual teenage self with his typical teenage arrogance, not taking Young or the Phoenix Corporation very seriously. Then Young leads him through his mind, showing him mental doors that he claims nobody ever dares open. However, not much is behind those doors. There’s no mental pictures of Janet Reno in a thong or Chris Farley getting a prostate exam. For some reason seeing Kid Omega give Wolverine a haircut is terrifying. I honestly don’t know why this is part of Kid Omega’s psyche. With hair like his, how could the barber be that terrifying? It’s just as confusing and ineffective as Genesis’s essay.

The only one who seems to be accomplishing anything and working with equal parts bravado and cunning is the old man. Having decided to quit before Storm could shove a tornado up his ass, he appears at the Jean Grey Institute where all he has opposing him is Doop, a living island, and a bunch of inexperienced teenagers who know more about Facebook than they do about combat. It’s a short yet satisfying fight. Doop doesn’t do much, as is his nature. And Karoka only provides a welcome bit of muscle to what has been a mostly psychic battle. But in the end, the old man still wins out and he does it without plagerizing Magneto, Dr. Doom, or Sinister. He’s kind of becoming awesome is what I’m saying here and I usually don’t say that about creepy old guys that aren’t named George Carlin.

It’s not terribly creepy inside Kid Omega’s mind, which I have a hard time believing. Eden Young takes him into a few more doors that lead him to a Temple of Doom type setting where he basically gives Kid Omega a quick lecture on the Phoenix. But like Genesis’s essay, it doesn’t really contribute much. He says nothing that can’t also be found on Wikipedia. The Phoenix is a primordial cosmic force. It was there at the very beginning of creation. It seeks out those capable of wielding its flame. Blah fucking blah. Kid Omega takes it about as seriously John Goodman takes his health. I still think Young would have been better off resorting to beautiful naked women. Kid Omega is a fucking kid for crying out loud. Does he really think that these boring lectures are going to be that effective? He strikes me as the kind of guy who might think abstinence only sex education is a good idea.

The only point Eden Young is trying to make here is that Kid Omega is the next vessel for the Phoenix. But Kid Omega already knows this. He saw his older self from the future for crying out loud. He doesn’t need a fucking lecture to remind him. Even teenagers aren’t that absent-minded. Then Eden Young claims that the teachers at the Jean Grey Institute are holding him back. He thinks he can somehow take his Phoenix potential and help him realize it. Still, Kid Omega isn’t buying it. At this point, the pitch could be tattooed on the back of Emma Stone’s ass and he still wouldn’t give a shit. It gives the impression that the Phoenix Corporation just wasted their time and over half the issue.

That’s why it’s such a relief to see Wolverine and Storm put a stop to the mind-fucking and take their frustrations out on Eden Young. He might as well have been talking to a brick wall. At least a brick wall doesn’t have the annoying attitude of someone like Kid Omega. They’re both ready to put a stop to his shit. He didn’t just abduct one of their students. He took a big shit on Jean Grey’s name. That’s a big no-no for the X-men. It gives the impression that the Phoenix Corporation risked an awful lot by pissing off the X-men and getting jack shit in return. If they really thought they could convince a renegade teenager like Kid Omega to join their little club, then they’re even worse than Enron.

That doesn’t mean it’s a completely uneven fight. It just starts out that way. Once again, Storm and Wolverine get mind-fucked. But this time, it’s not from Eden Young. It comes from Kid Omega. It’s very unclear why or how. Young claims that he just opened more doors in his mind that reveals the terrible shit he’s going to have to do in the future with Apocalypse. But the battle doesn’t stay even for long. Kid Omega is easy to piss off as well. And the quickest way to piss of a teenager is to try to force them on a particular fate. Any failed catholic school girl is proof of this. He doesn’t just turn on Eden Young. He reveals that the man isn’t all that young and good looking either. He’s a creepy old guy running a corporation that has a bunch of cult-like minions. Maybe he should’ve stuck to Scientology.

The old man from earlier still proves himself to be the most effective fighter of the bunch. After he subdues Karoka, he pays his respects to the grave of Jean Grey like any skilled psychic ought to. He even reveals his name as Faithful John Break-Sky, which I’m now thinking of naming my penis. Faithful John gives the impression that he’s on a mission and that he knows both Jean Grey and the students. Since Wolverine: Days of Futures Past (with the X-men as guest stars) is coming out in a few weeks, he could certainly be a time traveler. And he’s by far the most likable time traveler to come along since Marty McFly. This still doesn’t stop the students of the Jean Grey Institute to confront him, led by Idie. For a guy who just took on Storm and Wolverine as warm up, it’s not a fair fight. But again, the man isn’t Freddy Kruger. He’s on a different kind of mission and that mission doesn’t involve tormenting kids and laughing in the most annoyingly sadistic way possible.

Once again, the battle turns into a mind-fuck. Unlike Eden Young’s failed efforts, Faithful John finds a better way to get the job done. But enough about my penis. The old man shows Idie and all the students the dark future that he’s trying to prevent. This includes revealing to Genesis the apocalyptic asshole that he’s destined to become. While I know it’s a dick move to try and lay out a teenager’s future, this is one instance where a little foresight is probably a good idea. I still don’t think it’ll be all that effective. These are still teenagers. But it has a much more potent impact than anything the rest of the Phoenix Corporation has done. If nothing else, it should cement Faithful John as employee of the year.

I think it says a lot about this book when Faithful John Break-Sky is the most interesting character in the issue. That’s not to say that others don’t contribute. But he’s really the driving force of the story. The Phoenix Corporation reminds me too much of a Mitt Romney speech. It has a lot of words, but says jack shit. They don’t end up doing that much with Kid Omega. He’s still destined to become the Phoenix. Why the fuck did the Phoenix Corporation have to make a big deal about it? All they did was piss off Wolverine and Storm while mind-fucking Kid Omega. Maybe there will be a payoff, but the impact is painfully light. I can only give Wolverine and the X-men #3 a 6 out of 10. The success of future issues are now entirely contingent by how much Faithful John is involved. He’s the only one that seems to be doing anything remotely interesting. And when a pissed off Wolverine and Storm cease to be interesting, that’s cause for concern. Nuff said!

Wolverine and the X-men #3 PREVIEW - Don't Piss Off Storm

There are a certain handful of people I would never piss off in any circumstances. Dick Cheney, my urologist, and my parole officer are very high on that list. But if I lived in the Marvel universe, that list would have to be a lot longer. Even at my most drunk, I would never willingly piss off the likes of Thor, Wolverine, and Emma Frost. Contrary to what I claim about my intoxication skills, I do have limits. But there’s one character in particular that I would put above even those three and her name is Ororo Munroe.

There’s a damn good reason why Storm is one of the most popular X-men of all time and the most beloved. She’s not just caring and compassionate on a level that even the Dali Lama would find impressive. She’s tougher than an entire squad of Navy SEALS and she’ll take on gods, monsters, and cosmic forces without a microsecond of hesitation. That and she can direct a hundred bolts of lightning into an area smaller than Rick Santorum’s asshole, but I consider her power only secondary to her badassery. She has to be badass on a pretty obscene level to be sleeping with Wolverine and working as headmistress in a school of teenage mutants. And that job just got way fucking harder in the pages of Jason Lator’s Wolverine and the X-men.

For reasons that still aren’t fully explained, Wolverine let the rest of the Jean Grey Institute staff take a little vacation. That alone gave Storm enough reasons to get a Xanax prescription and bar Wolverine from ever seeing her naked again. Then the Phoenix Corporation had to come along, push the ever volatile “Jean Grey” button, and abduct Kid Omega. Storm and Wolverine, who are particularly prone to maiming anyone who dares push the “Jean Grey” button, go after them to save Kid Omega. They arrive only to get mind-fucked by a guy who looks like a cross between Shaq and a sumo wrestler. He also happens to be a powerful telepath and in a preview released by Newsarama, he goes about demonstrating that power against Storm. He might have been safer doing a sobriety test while walking a tight-rope over an active volcano.

Newsarama: Wolverine and the X-men #3 Preview

WOLVERINE & THE X-MEN #3
JASON LATOUR (W) • MAHMUD ASRAR (A/C)
Artist Variant by Jorge Molina
WHO IS THE PHOENIX CORPORATION?

• The question of the year continues - - with another one: what do they want with Quentin Quire?

• Latour and Asrar bring you a breaking point in the lives of Logan and Ororo Munro!

32 PGS./Rated T+ …$3.99

I hope I don’t need to explain to anyone why Mr. Sumo Telepath is totally fucked. The preview shows nicely that Storm is capable of great compassion and understanding. But piss her off, and she will show no mercy. This issue is being billed as Storm and Wolverine reaching their breaking point. Well it’s already well documented how pissed off Wolverine gets when he reaches his breaking point. But he only has claws and metal bones to work with. Storm has made Mother Nature her bitch and she’s not afraid to unleash her. That’s why she’s the last person anyone should piss off in the Marvel universe.

Beyond Storm losing her temper, this new status quo for the Jean Grey Institute is still in need of refinement. There are still a lot of uncertainties surrounding Storm’s relationship with Wolverine. We’ve seen in Wolverine’s new solo series that he’s rubbing shoulders with another team and another woman. Does this shit happen before, after, or during this story? It’s hard to tell and badly in need of clarification. I can’t stand comics that require too much sobriety and I would rather this one not become one of them. I’ll be content for just a few concise comments on the issue while the rest is dedicated to Storm unleashing super typhoon of kick-ass. Nuff said!

Wolverine and the X-men #3 - Legally Binding Awesome

Everyone has a different definition of fun. For some people, fun is having a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a joint in the other while your collection of your Japanese anime porn collection is playing on your TV. For other more demented people, fun is what you do to small animals when your school counselor tells you that the spankings your mother gave you were out of love and not because she was a demon sent from hell to turn your ass into the fucking Gobi desert. My point is that fun is something that's underrated and overlooked, especially in comics. Everything has to be groundbreaking and serious these days. There's no room for fun. Everything has to be a political statement that Glenn Beck can bitch about or Michelle Bachmann use in her campaign.

For this reason, Wolverine and the X-men has been special. It's the first comic book I've come across in a long time that's just plain fun. It's not overly fancy. It's back to basics without it feeling too basic. Wolverine wants to create a new institute and name it after the woman he desperately wanted to bone, but never got a chance to. It's simple and could easily become the same, bland crap that always takes place when the X-men's home is blown to shit. However, Jason Aaron proves that rebuilding doesn't have to be the same old crap. It can be new, refreshing, and fun. Throw in a living island monster and homicidal kids and you've got the essence of Wolverine and the X-men.

The first arc depicts the beginning of the Jean Grey Institute and without restating the first two reviews I've done, it's been a fucking disaster. Not only has Wolverine made a really shitty impression on the humorless bureaucrats that are supposed to sanction his school. Those pesky Hellfire kids that came out of thin air during Schism showed up again and unleashed an attack on the institute because it was bad for business. That or it was getting in the way of them watching Spongebob. It could be either for all I know. But it's made for some amazing action and some very fun moments.

Wolverine and the X-men #3 looks to continue that fun. Like the previous issue, it uses a quick flashback to fill in some of the blanks as to how Wolverine put together a school like this. One issue that's hard to escape is Kid Omega. Remember him? He's the omega level psychic that kicked Schism into high gear when he barged in on the UN and compelled all the politicians to actually tell the truth. Now instead of getting the metal of fucking honor, he's become a fugitive that every country wants dead. They only truth they trust is from Fox News so that means Quentin Quere has to go. So how does Wolverine hide him? Well keep in mind he's still an Avenger. That means he knows Captain fucking America and Wolverine is able to convince him that locking Kid Omega up would just create another supervillain. So why not take a chance at his institute? Unlike Congress, Captain America is reasonable and competent so he gives it a chance.

So far, the Kid Omega experiment isn't going too well. He's still an intolerable douche. In the last issue it was revealed that while the institute was under attack by the living island, Karoka, he was just sitting back and watching via video feed presumably laughing his ass off in between jerking off. There's even some inner narration for him (which I think is a first) that hammers home the notion that he's a complete douche. But unfortunately for him, being a douche doesn't protect him from the attack. While he's watching, he gets attacked by a Windigo (the result of those humorless bureaucrats turning into monsters in the last issue). So he can't just it back and laugh. He actually has to put his ass on the line in a non-Catholic sort of way.

Kid Omega's ass is saved (again, in a non-Catholic way) by Idie and Broo, quite possibly the cutest and most disturbing little couple since Mike Meyers and Verne Troyer. Kid Omega naturally shows no gratitude for their assistance. He shows even less when Kid Gladiator, who joined the institute from the Shi'ar, takes down the other humorless bureaucrat that was in the form of Sauron. He takes over, stealing Kid Omega's thunder as he takes on these two transformed monsters that are hard to distinguish from their government stooge counterparts. And this pisses Kid Omega off. Not because his life is in danger, but because they don't know who he is. He's the one that triggered schism, damn it! And his ego demands that he be recognized.

Now it would have been totally out of character for Kid Omega to just step up and play hero as a means to redeem himself for ending the Wolverine/Cyclops bromance in Schism. This kid is a douche and an egotist. He needs another more practical reason to save the day. When his own classmates don't even recognize what an awesome guy he is, he has to do something to impress them. That something just happens to be stopping this attack and saving the day. It's still ridiculously egotistical, but it's perfectly in character for Kid Omega. That's what has been the hallmark of Jason Aaron's work thus far. The book isn't just fun. Every character fits their role and in this case, Kid Omega takes on Karoka and uses those vast powers of his for something other than convincing pretty blondes that he's Brad Pitt's younger brother.

What Kid Omega does has a major impact on all the shit that's going on outside. If you'll recall, Wolverine and his team were getting their asses handed to them by the snotty Hellfire kids that had recruited Karoka to destroy their school before it had even been certified. It was an uphill battle. Then as a result of Kid Omega's ego and douche-baggery, Rachel Grey makes a breakthrough. She's able to sense Karoka's mind and it tells her that the Hellfire kids were controlling it and for reasons it doesn't explain, that really sucks. So it says it wants to join Wolverine's school. This surprises the X-men in an understandable way and shows that even a douche-bag can contribute to the greater good.

Now this may not be the most surprising twist, but it's the kind of twist that really complements the story in all the right ways. The theme of this initial arc was to show how the Jean Grey Institute was a new kind of institute for mutants to flourish. Karoka may not be your typical big-breasted mutant that makes for good slash fanfiction. But making it another victim in need of a place to learn fits nicely with what Jason Aaron is doing here and he doesn't need to make some elaborate scene laced with social commentary either. It's simple, fun, and satisfying. Not unlike masturbation, but not as messy.

The Hellfire kids know they're screwed. So they pack up and leave. The X-men don't go after them, at least not directly. Later on Wolverine sends Matt Murdock after them (who is just as much a lawyer as he is a hero, making it the most twisted combination in all of comics). Wolverine may be an asshole, but he's smart enough to know that the best way to hit rich douche-bags is with lawyers. It's their kryptonite. Some may argue it's fighting evil with evil, but let's face it. Compromise is necessary at times. Besides, how else are they going to pay for repairing their school?

Flash forward past the rubble and the awkward explanation that a bunch of kids attacked them and things are back to the usual fucked up brand of normal that the X-men are used to. Karoka shows that it (they couldn't decide of calling it he or she was appropriate) can be a contributor to the institute by providing shade for students while their school is repaired. All the while it's not entirely clear that Kid Omega helped them, but the mere fact he's lounging around in one of the most disturbing speedos ever created pretty much gives it away.

Now what about those humorless bureaucrats that had been turned into monsters and were threatening to shut the school down? Well this is where homicidal kids and living islands become the least fucked up part of a comic book. They don't remember shit. They're just back to normal, they have no memory of what happened, and they're laughing it up with Beast. So all that bullshit they went through in the last issue was really for nothing. That's not the only thing that was glossed over. In the last issue Iceman made a conscious effort to dispel those gay rumors on message boards and stole a kiss from Kitty Pryde. But when he confronted her about it, she just shrugged it off and that was it.

I can't help but groan a bit here because as great as Jason Aaron is on this series, he does have a tendency to gloss over shit. I get that comics only have so many pages to work with, but these people get paid to be creative. There has to be enough weed at the Marvel offices to help them come up with sufficient ideas on how to tie these plots together or at least hint at where they're going. But they don't and that's disappointing for a comic that is so awesome in so many other ways.

While overall it's a happy ending for Wolverine and the Jean Grey Institute, you can't expect a homicidal kid to give up that easily. Kids are immature. They don't let shit go. Take away their sippy cup and they hold it against you for weeks. So take a kid with way too much money and free time that isn't old enough to masturbate and you've got a dangerous combination. Kilgore wants to destroy Wolverine's school and he needs to find someone who wants it just as bad. In that case he need look no further than Sabretooth. That's right. The guy who had his fucking head chopped off is alive, making him yet another dead character that Marvel has no problem bringing back before Jean Grey. However fucked up it may be, it sets the stage for Wolverine having a much bigger target on his ass moving forward.

And so it begins. The first arc of Wolverine and the X-men is over. It wasn't overly elaborate like the first arc of Uncanny X-Force. It simply told a fun story about how Wolverine gets his school off the ground and how he deals with threats that try to fuck with him. The result is the most fun you'll have with an X-men comic that doesn't involve an Emma Frost blow-up doll. Jason Aaron doesn't just make this an epic struggle that pits the X-men up against Karoka. He actually throws in a few twists and puts a new spin on Karoka, the likes of which is more overdue than the last Duke Nukem game. He even sets up Wolverine's next challenge at the end, which was already revealed at the New York Comic Con earlier this year. Yet it still has an impact because who else besides Sabretooth has a greater incentive to fuck with Wolverine's new endeavor.

Wolverine and the X-men has a very unique style and for some, that style may not jive. This comic doesn't take itself too seriously. In some ways it undercuts the very serious goal it has for Wolverine and the group of X-men that followed him. While the resolution to this first arc was solid, some things were glossed over. The kiss between Kitty and Iceman was pretty much forgotten. Those two humorless bureaucrats were made a non-factor in the end. They're very minor details and the funny bit at the end more than makes up for it. But more than anything else, this arc cements the tone of what Wolverine and the X-men will entail. And you know what? It's awesome. It's one of the strongest new X-books since Uncanny X-Force and Jason Aaron has plenty to work with moving forward.

So how can we gauge this first arc? Well it's awesome. That much is beyond dispute. There were only a few minor hicccups here and there, mostly in this issue. Overall, the arc itself is a 5 out of 5. But this particular issue is a 4.5 out of 5 because of the minor details that were overlooked. Now there's no reason why these details can't be resolved in the next issue. But as it stands, this comic set it's own bar pretty damn high and there's only so high you can go before the thin air kills one too many brain cells. Jason Aaron has done something special here. If you want a comic that's not going to make you think too much about the state of mankind and has Wolverine chasing after bottles of liquor, then this is your book. My family reunions are only slightly less chaotic so since I can't invite everybody, you'll have to settle for this comic. Nuff said!