Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #17

I sometimes wonder whether the adults that run religion and government actively conspire to instill a prisoner mentality in teenagers. Actually, I’m pretty convinced they do to some extent because teenagers can be fucking crazy. They’re a walking hormonal time bomb that has yet to learn basic skills like staying calm, being reasonable, and using common sense. But sometimes I wonder if this is just because teenagers are innately fucked up or because they’re treated like they’re going to fuck up. If suddenly a bunch of teenagers were put in a big building and left unsupervised, would they find a way to function? Or would they just start randomly beating each other up and/or fucking each other? I’m sure some fucking would go on just because teenagers are innately horny, but I don’t doubt that they might be able to instill some order. The keyword there is might. The students of the New Xavier School in Uncanny X-men certainly haven’t shown they’re able to function independently. But it’s a skill they’re going to have to figure out at some point because sometimes Cyclops and his team will have to take a break from teaching to blow up giant robots or save the world. With that in mind, I’ll be grading these up and coming X-men on a curve as I review Uncanny X-men #17.

And that curve is going to have to be pretty fucking steep because this new lesson is a lot like a surprise mid-term, but only if the teachers proctoring the mid-term had access to angry wolves on steroids. I don’t want to give my old teachers any ideas so I’m just going to come out and say Magik drops the New Xavier School students in the middle of a very exotic, very hostile environment. She doesn’t give them any instructions. She just leaves them to their own devices. That’s like my old shop teacher handing out sticks of TNT and saying, “Use your imagination before fleeing to another time zone.” They’re understandably confused and probably pretty fucking scared. However, I still contend that it’s not as scary as a surprise mid-term.

At first, they don’t do much. They’re teenagers. Their initiative is still a work-in-progress-that’s-painfully-slow-at-progressing. They start speculating at where they could be. It could be the Savage Land. It could be another planet. It could be a Danger Room simulation. Or it could be Magik’s favorite vacation spot for all they know. They don’t know. All they know is this isn’t a place they’ve ever seen on Instagram or Facebook. So for them, it might as well not exist.

To get some answers, Hijack reveals that like most of the star athletes at my old school, he’s willing to cheat. He reveals that he snuck his cell phone into the New Xavier School despite Cyclops making it clear that no cell phones are allowed. Being a wanted fugitive and not having the same connections as Edward Snowden, he understands that SHIELD is basically the NSA with guns and hypersonic jets. So using a cell phone is a big no-no. But Hijack doesn’t care. He uses it anyway to figure out that they’re in Montana.

If that sounds a bit random and a bit insulting to anyone that actually lives in Montana, hold the outrage. Montana also happens to be the site of that over-evolved ecosystem that Arcangel created in the Dark Angel Saga in Uncanny X-Force. It would actually be the second time that Cyclops has used this area since he and his team visited it during Kieron Gillen’s Uncanny X-men run. It makes for a nice connection between other X-books. Just throwing them in some random hell-hole, of which there are plenty in the Marvel universe, would be boring. This maintains a connection to a place that could very well be the next Savage Land. If only it had a beautiful woman running around in a leopard skin bikini like Shanna. I’m sure Marvel is already working on that.

Finding out that they’re in Montana still doesn’t explain much other than Cyclops and the rest of the staff have a fucked up sense of geography. They only realize just how fucked they are when they get attacked by a giant rhino monster. It may sound extreme and downright negligent, but my teenage self would have still traded places with any one of them to get out of gym class. Plus, it would have meant being closer to the Stepford Cuckoos and I think that’s worth being chased by a giant rhino creature. However, that benefit is lost on these inexperienced teenagers. Rather than stand and fight like real X-men, they run and scream like a little girl in a cage of spiders. It’s not as pathetic as it sounds. These are inexperienced mutants. They’re not quite at that point where fighting monsters is something they do every other Tuesday.

Naturally, they don’t stick together and end up fragmenting. Inexperienced teenagers aren’t usually keen on teamwork unless it involves football, basketball, or beer pong. It makes for an inept yet comical display of this team’s inexperience. Given how serious and competent most of the X-men are, it’s somewhat refreshing. But that doesn’t mean that everyone falls flat on their ass like an old Monty Python skit. Goldballs, who has had his share of pathetic moments, actually gets to be somewhat badass for once. He and Tempus get attacked by something that looks like a parrot fucked an ostrich and pumped it with steroids. He still yells and cries like Brett Ratner being chased by angry X-men fans, but he’s able to use his hilariously labeled powers to fight back. He’s not quite as bold or as tactical as Cyclops, but he gets the job done.

As for the students that ran off in a different direction, they’re not quite as lucky even if they are somewhat inept. They end up in a den that looks like a giant spider fucked a giant slug and fed it whatever crazy shit Monsanto feeds its corn. And Triage must have a severe spider phobia because he freaks out so much that two of the Stepford Cuckoos have to use a little psychic nudging to stop it. This actually marks the second time that the Cuckoos have had to use psychic tricks to help these new students grow a set of balls. The first time they did it was in the Limbo arc. I was willing to give them a pass then, but now it’s starting to seem like a crutch. At some point these students won’t have pretty young psychics in school girl outfits to help tweak their minds, although I’m sure they wish they did.

One other tidbit that’s worth pointing out is that one of the Cuckoos has dyed her hair red. I’m not sure which one it is. I know it’s not Celeste since she already established herself as the alpha bitch of the Cuckoos. I know one of them joked about dying their hair red. Yet this issue begins and she does it? Without an explanation? I know this issue is supposed to be about these young X-men gaining experience. But when a pretty blond teenager that happens to be related to Emma Frost dyes he hair, I think that’s something that shouldn’t be glossed over and it’s not just because my penis agrees. These are the little details that separate good comics from awesome comics. When those details aren’t there, it just gives the impression that somebody didn’t give enough fucks. And with comics costing nearly five bucks, there’s just no excuse.

Speaking of Celeste, the alpha bitch Cuckoo, she ends up with Hijack and Ben Deeds after everyone started running wildly. And her title as alpha bitch must carry some pretty shitty karma because as they’re taking shelter under a giant mushroom that isn’t part of an LSD trip, she gets psychically attacked by some mysterious beings that look like naked mud people and not the sexy kind. They must not care for pretty blonds in school girl outfits because they put Celeste in a world of psychic pain. But Ben Deeds, who only recently learned to use his powers, is able to settle things down. I guess he convinces him that hot blonds are more likely to show them her panties by not psychically assaulting her. What a novel concept.

This scares the other Cuckoos because for a moment they think someone flat-lined her mind like an overcooked pizza. But Ben Deeds is able to get them to stop the attack, which allows Celeste to get up and humbly swallow her pride. That’s a joke by the way. Remember the part where I said she’s the alpha bitch of the Stepford Cuckoos? Well that’s means she’s not all that understanding when it comes to any creature that psychically attacks her. So despite Ben’s diplomatic efforts, she decides to lash out and strike back. This doesn’t go over well with the mud people, who Ben explains are highly evolved beings. For Celeste, they might as well be a 13-year-old kid she finds stealing her underwear.

Lucky for Celeste, the rest of the team catches up with her and Tempus freezes the highly evolved mud people in a time bubble. It may have taken a while and a few fuck-ups, the this team of inexperienced teenage mutants is finally getting their shit together. They aren’t exactly making an epic stand for their kind. Again, they’re still teenagers. They’re still learning to think beyond their next Facebook post. But it’s a fitting resolution of sorts and some handle it better than others. Tempus doesn’t handle it quite as well and is somewhat hostile. But this only helps create some nice moments between her and her teammates.

And that’s something else that these new mutants have been lacking since Uncanny X-men began. They really haven’t had a chance to bond or become a team. They have had a few moments, but not as a team. This is really the first time where they’ve been able to function as a team and while they would probably have a losing record if they were a football team, they still functioned to a point where they can say they’re not the 2008 Detroit Lions.

It would have been a semi-victory of sorts for the students of the New Xavier School if only one of them hadn’t decided to shit all over the rules. Remember that cell phone that Hijack snuck past Cyclops? Well I wasn’t joking when I said that SHIELD in the Marvel universe is like the NSA with lots of guns and hypersonic jets. Because just as they’re catching their breath from surviving this exotic death tarp, SHIELD shows up demanding they take them to Cyclops so they can haul him back to jail for crimes he may or may not have committed while under the influence of a cosmic power that got forced in him by accident. I guess this is one instance where being an ill-informed teenager is a good thing because there’s no way they’re going to make sense of this kind of bullshit from an authority figure.

And since he’s the asshole who led SHIELD to them, Hijack makes up for it by giving a nice middle finger to Nick Fury Jr. That involves using his powers to hot wire the high tech metal suits that Fury brought with him and turning it against him. He doesn’t exactly look threatened. He’s Nick Fury with a Samuel L. Jackson demeanor. I’m sure if this were a MAX comic, he would have said the word motherfucker several times by now. But he just looks annoyed and probably stays that way after Magik arrives to transport the students back to the school.

When Cyclops assess their performance, he gives most of the students a passing grade. I’m sure he graded them on a curve since they’re inexperienced teenagers who just became mutants, but they survived and managed to eventually come together as a team. However, he singles Hijack out for failing big time, even with the curve. He reminds him of the no cell phone policy and rather than confiscate it and delete all his porn, Cyclops goes one further and kicks him off the fucking team.

Now this may seem excessive, but it makes sense from his point of view. Cyclops has seen one too many instances where a member of the team disobeys and puts everyone else in danger. And over 90 percent of those instances involve Wolverine and the last thing he needs on his team is another Wolverine. So while I do feel somewhat sorry for Hijack, he has nobody to blame but himself. He put his cell phone above the team. I know a lot of people can’t live without their cell phones these days. But when a job involves fighting giant monsters and being on the same team as Magik and Emma Frost, there just isn’t an app sophisticated enough to take the place of real teamwork.

In terms of real tests, I still rate this below my calculus mid-term during my junior year of high school. This issue was a simple, self-contained story that shifted the focus to the students of the New Xavier School. And why not? This is what Cyclops’s revolution is supposed to be about and they have been somewhat neglected lately, albeit not in the classic Alec Baldwin sort of way. Here, we got to see them function as a team and I use the term function loosely because that’s a word that’s difficult to apply to a bunch of inexperienced teenagers, some of whom are horny for their teachers. But as dysfunctional as they were, it still made for an entertaining story that highlighted some of the unique traits among these new characters. It also highlighted how hard it is to get teenagers to listen to basic rules, especially those that apply to cell phones. Now Cyclops knows how every homeroom teacher feels in trying to stop their male students from looking at porn on their phones. The end result shows that these aspiring X-men have a lot to learn, but they’re well on their way. It still lacked detail and refinement, but Uncanny X-men #17 still warrants a 7 out of 10. I’m still curious as to why one of the Stepford Cuckoos dyed her hair red. When pretty blond teenage girls become pretty redheads, it’s a big deal. My penis needs to know these things. When these aspiring X-men gain more experience, I hope they understand that. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #17 PREVIEW - Detention

Anyone that ever got caught taking a piss on the principal's Mercedes knows how much detention sucks. It's not enough that it's boring. It's one of those arbitrary concepts where asshole administrators have no official guidelines on how to punish deviant kids so they get to use their sadistic imagination. One time, I had to use a toothbrush to clean off a chalkboard. Another time, I had to clean a toilet overflowing with shit while the janitor watched and told me stories about how his ex-wife left him for his crack dealer. My point is that teachers and administrators can be creative and pretty fucking cruel. So I imagine dealing with teenagers that have mutant powers requires more creativity and more cruelty.

The students of the New Xavier School have had their moments since Uncanny X-men was relaunched a third time. There have been some cases where they really shined. Tempus got to freeze the Avengers in a time bubble. Hijack got to take control of the SHIELD Helicarrier. And Ben Deeds got get private tutoring from Emma Frost, which isn't as awesome as it sounds because only he ended up naked during their sessions. However, there have been some less flattering moments. Goldballs got so scared and overwhelmed that he tried to go home, only to find out that his parents and SHIELD were assholes when it came to mutants. So it's a mixed bag, but that's the be expected. They're young and they're inexperienced. So how does Cyclops, Emma, and Magik teach them to be ready to fight off a Sentinel at a moment's notice?

Well their lesson may also double as discipline because they're not exactly honor students either. They've been known to fool around in the Danger Room and fantasize about their teachers. But unlike the asshole administrators I had to deal with, one of them is a mentally unstable blonde Russian girl with the power to literally send people to Hell. I can only shudder at the ways my old principal would have exploited that. And now it looks like the students of the New Xavier School are going to be getting some harsh lessons from her. A new preview of Uncanny X-men #17 is out and it makes the detention I had in high school look like a Swedish massage.

CBR: Uncanny X-men #17 PREVIEW

• It's training day for the students of the new Xavier School.
• Only, the training seems to be that the teachers just left them on mission to fend for themselves.
• Uh-oh.

So once again, Cyclops is taking a page out of Wolverine's playbook and throwing his students into the Savage Land in hopes of speeding up their training. That's like sending a batch of new army recruits to North Korea for their training. Can anyone remind me why these two are still acting like there's a schism between them? They're using the same fucking tactics to teach their students and for reasons that really aren't that different. They want them to be able to defend themselves. So why the fuck are they still divided? I know Cyclops has that whole wanted fugitive shit to deal with, but considering how many times Wolverine and the Hulk have been on SHIELD's shit list, they have no fucking excuse.

But I digress. This looks like the kind of lesson that the new mutants of the New Xavier School need. There are still some ongoing plots that haven't been resolved yet, namely who the fuck keeps throwing Sentinels at them. A lot of these stories fell to the wayside because of X-men Battle of the Atom and Magneto striking out on his own. But at some point, they're going to have to figure out who has the balls and the resources to keep sicking Sentinels at them. It's hard enough dealing with SHIELD and time-displaced X-men. They don't need more killer robots and if that means giving these students some extra detention in the Savage Land, I'm sure my old teachers and guidance counselors would agree. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #15

I know the X-men have always been about confronting stereotypes, but some stereotypes won’t go away no matter how much anyone confronts them. Black men will always be better at basketball and white men will always be worse dancers. Get over it. And while the Rosie O’Donnell’s of the world don’t want to hear it, women love to shop and have a nice girl’s night out. And men are always going to find some way of turning that into a perverse fantasy. Again, get over it. Uncanny X-men #15 has been billed as an issue that offers insight into how the women of Cyclops’s revolution spend an off-night. It’s not their fault they’re spending it at a time when Marvel’s Inhumanity event is creeping into multiple titles. Like getting stuck in traffic with explosive diarrhea, it’s just a matter of bad timing. But it’s still the sexy women of the X-men going shopping and taking a break from fantasizing about Cyclops’s penis. It definitely has plenty of potential for awesome.

But part of that potential doesn’t involve watching Magik meditate. If I want to watch pretty girls sit and stand around for no reason, I’ll peak in on a yoga class. She’s not really into it that much. It’s part of some kind of training that Dr. Strange is giving her. On top of that, this is the Dr. Strange of the past. For some reason, she feels the need to time travel to get help for being a walking demon seed. While I rarely condone time travel outside of Dr. Who or Back to the Future, I guess I can make an exception. Even so, not much happens here other than Dr. Strange reminding her that if a future involves a world that’s intact, then that future doesn’t suck. It’s not unreasonable logic, but it contributes jack shit to the story.

Once she returns, Magik is confronted by Tempus and the Stepford Sisters. They want to go on a girls night out. They even invite O5 Jean Grey along for the ride. Apparently, there isn’t much to do in a secret Weapon X base aside from flirt with teammates and make idiots of themselves in the Danger Room. Plus, they kind of need new clothes. They mention how limited their wardrobe is at this base and for some women, that might as well be as bad as a malignant tumor at the base of their spine.

That’s not as sexist as it sounds, even coming from a drunk like me. It’s purely pragmatic. Normal, practical shit like shopping for clothing is the kind of stuff that gets glossed over in comics in favor of fighting giant robots or watching Tony Stark hook up with beautiful women with green skin. While that kind of menial shit may not make for an epic battle worthy of Michael Bay’s last four movies, it does help humanize these characters. And when these characters can do shit like travel to Limbo, stop time, and read minds that’s kind of a big deal.

Having money is also a big deal because last I checked, people still charged money for clothes. This leads to the second reason why the girls enlisted Magik. They think a demon seed who once took on Dormammu is the only one who could survive waking up Emma Frost. That’s not an unreasonable assumption in the slightest. They don’t have money. She does. For a girls night out and new clothes, they’re willing to risk enraging her. So yeah, they’re pretty fucking desperate. I think their concerns were somewhat eased when they saw Emma Frost sleeping in a position that was probably very convenient for the Cyclopses, Sebastian Shaws, and Namors of the world. It may actually be one of the best panels of the year, at least according to my penis.

But the idea of going shopping on a girl’s night is probably the best request they could have made to Emma. Plus, they need money and she reminds them that she was once the White fucking Queen. She has so much money that she always keeps a big fucking bag of it nearby just in case. She even recruits Kitty Pryde to join them, treating it like a mission because in Emma’s view she is badly in need of some added fashion and O5 Jean is badly in need of protection from the Stepford Sisters. Since I know jack shit about fashion beyond underwear and sweat pants, I’ll gladly yield of Emma Frost’s expertise.

Unfortunately, we don’t get to see the girls splurging on overpriced shit or trying on the kind of crazy clothes that wouldn’t be welcome outside Mardi Gras. It just skips right ahead to long after the girls have bought everything they needed and they’re just cruising around London looking for a bite to eat. This was disappointing. Usually, I don’t care to watch beautiful women shop unless they’re in a Victory’s Secret trying on thongs. But I was hoping to see more of these girls bonding because if they can’t bond over shopping with limitless money, then there’s no hope for Cyclops’s revolution. Is that really hoping for too much?

The only bonding they really do is over a quick meal. Tempus talks to O5 Jean about why the Stepford Sisters hate her. And while this does turn into a nice bit of trolling from O5 Jean, it doesn’t really do much more than what was done in All New X-men #19. It establishes some clear conflict between O5 Jean and Celeste, but not much else. There’s no interaction with Emma Frost. There’s no interaction with Magik or Kitty. There’s nothing dramatic or heartfelt about it, which is actually pretty surprising given Brian Michael Bendis’s track record. Not only is it disappointing, it’s way too fucking rushed. It’s like there’s no time to really show them enjoying a girls night out. It basically makes the premise of the whole issue fall flatter than Kristen Stewart’s acting.

So it ends up being even more disappointing when their girls night out is cut short by some commotion outside. It’s not a Sentinel attack. It’s not even a sneak-attack by the Purifiers. But it does attract a bigger crowd than Russell Crow taking a shit in public. Since they’re used to giant robots randomly attacking them, the Stepford Cuckoos cause the crowd to disperse so they can investigate. In addition, they try to figure out what could possibly fuck up an innocent girls night out. O5 Jean reveals it’s part of Global Terrigenesis, which is basically some crazy shit that happened in the current Inhumans storyline.

I’m usually all for greater connections between series in Marvel. Like the lube used in pornos, the cohesiveness of the Marvel universe is part of what makes it awesome. But in this instance, it feels way too fucking random. There’s no hint that the X-men were aware of the shit that had been going on with the Inhumans or that it’s worth interrupting their girls night out. They just investigate as if it were another stray Sentinel and that makes it hard to feel as though this makes the Marvel universe more cohesive. It just gives the impression that whoever organized these connections had really potent weed.

This little anomaly associated with Global Terrigenesis created a crystal cocoon of sorts. It’s sort of like the cocoons in Aliens, minus the face raping aliens. And when it breaks, a new Inhuman emerges who was probably just minding his own business, tweeting pictures of his dick. He looks like Dick Cheney just shot his face up, but he’s not overly hostile at first. He’s a guy. Who could possibly be hostile to a group of attractive young women being led by Emma Frost? Then he finds out that these beautiful women are mutants and just like that his boner disappears faster than the CEO of Goldman Sachs at tax time.

The girls find out that he’s an Inhuman. They find out way too fucking easy, as if Inhumans are as well known to the Marvel heroes as Facebook. Before they can even offer to help, he reveals his disgust towards mutants. The girls don’t take it too personally. They seem to attribute that to him just being a douche while also being from Latveria, which I guess is the Marvel Universe’s equivalent of the Jersey Shore. There’s not much action or conflict. There’s just talking. Boring, uninteresting talking in an effort to not make this guy a new enemy to the mutant race. It still ends up going horribly wrong.

Without much provocation or any interesting conversations, the guy just snaps and uses his new Inhuman powers. And they’re not event at impressive. He just explodes in a giant purple fireball and that somehow knocks everyone out cold. While that may be a pretty potent power, especially for anyone waiting in line to get the new iPhone, it’s pretty fucking dull. It’s almost as dull as the actual encounter between the girls and this lone Inhuman. There’s no charisma or drama like there has been before. There isn’t even a shocking twist of any kind. Once the girls pass out, he doesn’t even try to cop a feel. He passes out as well, AIM and a bunch of nameless associates drop by to take the kid away. That’s about it. It’s as exciting as it sounds. Even a hit of LSD won’t make this very interesting, although the unicorns that appear on the page are always fun.

When they wake up, they’re basically like, “Oh…he’s gone and there are the cops. Oh well. Wonder if my DVR recorded the last episode of the Big Bang Theory?” They don’t really do much with this knowledge once they make the cops go away. They just acknowledge that there’s a sudden surge in Inhumans and that may affect mutants somehow. Again, there’s no sense of drama or foreboding. This whole issue seems less about showing these characters in their more personal moments and more about just informing the X-men that the Inhuman population is on the rise. I’m pretty sure just an email or a random Facebook posting would have been more efficient. The approach in this issue just wasted all the potential that a girls night out with these characters could have realized.

This was an entertaining issue, but in a limited capacity. It was certainly entertaining to see the girls of Cyclops’s revolution interact and talk about things that didn’t relate to Cyclops’s penis. It just didn’t lead to much more than some trolling of the Stepford Cuckoos and some integration with the events of Inhumanity. That’s all well and good, but it’s more of an appetizer rather than a full meal. It’s like light beer at the halftime of a football game. It just isn’t enough. This issue was still a nice change of pace from previous issues, but shit like Magik’s short attention span with Dr. Strange and the limited conversations between the girls as they went out didn’t amount to much. Maybe I was hoping for too much. It’s not like I expected all the girls to get naked, smother themselves in bacon grease, and wrestle each other with their tongues. I reserve that for very special dreams. But I was expecting more and this issue didn’t deliver. I give Uncanny X-men #15 a 5 out of 10. Not much happened, but everything that did happen wasn’t so egregious that it would make someone shit their spine. And that’s really the most we can hope for these days. Nuff said!

Overdue Lessons: Uncanny X-men #14

The following is my review of Uncanny X-men #14, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Every compelling character ever conjured has multiple talents and multiple personality traits. The ones with only a few select skills are like janitors and fast food cashiers in that they're usually forgettable and easily replaceable. Yet at times, the various talents or traits of some characters often goes underutilized or are even forgotten. For any character with decades of backstory, that's to be expected. However, when certain traits are revisited, it can be both compelling and overdue.

For nearly a decade now, Emma Frost has been the tough, crass, overtly sexy vixen of the X-men. She could easily be a lead woman in a James Bond movie. She could just as easily be a feminist icon that highlights the power of an ambiguous woman not afraid to use her mind and body to get what she wants. But in recent years, so much of her story in recent years has revolved around her essentially replacing the role once held by Jean Grey as the X-men's top telepath and as Cyclops's lover. While this has led to some significant development, and at times softening, of her character, it has detracted from some of her other talents that don't involve her attitude or her bawdy dress sense.

But in Uncanny X-men #14, it's Emma Frost's skills as a teacher and educator of young mutants that is most prominently on display. It's easy for people not obsessed with her attitude and choice of attire to forget that Emma Frost has a passion for teaching. Granted, some of her teaching methods would probably get her blacklisted by nearly every PTA in the world, but there's no denying her dedication to her students and her passion for doing so. It's a passion she can do with her clothes on and one she can do effectively. And for once, the romantic sub-plots with Cyclops and her bitter attitude towards Jean Grey are set aside as she delivers a much needed lesson to a new and underdeveloped character in Uncanny X-men, Benjamin Deeds.

It seems every time a new mutant is introduced, they only get as much attention as necessary to support more established characters. Some of them might as well be glorified secretaries for these characters. And Benjamin Deeds is one of those characters who got slightly less than that. He was among the characters that Cyclops recruited when he began his New Xavier School in the early issues of All New X-men. But since then, he has basically been a whiny underachiever who would probably never get higher than a C-minus if he was going to a regular school. Emma Frost is looking to change that and unlike every other teacher Ben has had, she teaches him in a way where underachieving is not an option. It also is clear that him being a teenage boy and Emma being a sexy vixen makes this lesson one he can't afford to overlook.

The issue began with Benjamin Deeds whining like a kid trying to get out of gym class. Part of the training that Cyclops is giving at the New Xavier School involves learning how to fight with and without mutant powers. But since Ben's powers have been only loosely defined that of a mutant chameleon, he's as overmatched as baseball player trying to bat blindfolded. So Emma Frost takes it upon herself to help him develop his mutant powers and use them in various settings that take him from the glitzy casinos of Atlantic City to the hustle and bustle of New York's financial district. And in the same way an aspiring chef is going to cook a few meals that would get him yelled at by Gordon Ramsey, Ben Deeds struggles with Emma Frost's lesson.

This struggle and the traits it reveals for both Emma and Ben makes this story personal in a way that has been missing from recent issues of Uncanny X-men. Whereas stories such as X-men Battle of the Atom were very much about the big picture for the X-men, this issue centers around the little picture. It may not be that exciting, seeing Emma Frost teach a confused and whiny young mutant how to be a competent X-man. But it is still an engaging story that resonates on a more personal level. Who hasn't struggled to learn new skills or dealt with an unusually harsh teacher in the process? While that teacher may not have had the attitude or style as Emma Frost, it offered the kinds of lessons that go beyond the skills and lead to real character development. The only difference in this issue is that Emma Frost still finds a way to look good doing it.

In the end Ben does get to put his skills to good use. However, along the way the extent of those skills are poorly defined. The whole concept of him being a mutant chameleon is not really expanded upon or shown in a way that sets him apart from other shape-shifting characters like Mystique. He does demonstrate one new skill that distinguishes him, but it's also poorly defined and much harder to show than Emma Frost's diamond skin or Cyclops's optic blasts.

In addition, some of the training Emma Frost gives him feels rushed, like a pop quiz on a subject Ben never studied for. But to his credit, he does get a passing grade. He even helps contribute to the bigger picture of Uncanny X-men by contributing to some of the other unresolved stories in the series. It still puts him in some uncomfortable positions where he still comes off as an annoying slacker, but it's hard not to cheer for him when he succeeds.

There are many lessons to be learned from Uncanny X-men #14. The most important lesson to the underlying theme of the series is that Cyclops and Emma Frost know how to get the most out of their students. In addition, Emma Frost is still a hell of a teacher and one who finds a way to look good in doing everything she does. She may not be the best role model for someone like Benjamin Deeds, but she imparted on him the kinds of skills that will make him a successful X-man. And for a teenage boy with major self-esteem issues, it's the kind of lesson that he won't forget.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Uncanny X-men #15 Lettered Preview - Emma Loves Doggy Style

Anyone who has been following this blog for any amount of time knows it doesn’t take much for me to make a dirty joke. I see woman’s lips quiver or a man’s right hand shake awkwardly and almost immediately, my mind ventures into that dirty space located somewhere between Ron Jeremy’s asshole and Jenna Jameson’s breast implants. Since the men and women in comics already look like porn stars and male strippers, that’s easy to do whenever I review comics. But sometimes I see something that requires no joke. It’s as dirty and as awesome as it needs to be without me saying a damn thing.

Such is the case with the latest preview for Uncanny X-men #15. I already did a post on an unlettered preview that was released a few weeks back. But that preview didn’t need to be lettered. It basically conferred the premise of the issue. The women of Cyclops’s revolutionary team want to get away from revolutionaries and worshipping Cyclops’s penis for a while and just dive right into old female stereotypes. And that’s fine. That has plenty of appeal because we see these characters doing enough crazy shit like fighting giant robots or rubbing shoulders with cosmic entities. It helps regular drunks like me relate to these characters when we see them involved in less hostile activities.

But the shopping concept and all the ways that pisses off some feminists isn’t the bonerific moment of the preview here. The lettered preview that just came out, courtesy of Comic Book Resources, didn’t include the same pictures as the unlettered preview. It was shorter too and that’s usually a real pain in the ass, but in this instance it compensates in a big way. I could coordinate with my brain and my penis to try and describe how it compensates. Instead, I’ll just shut up and let the preview speak for itself.

CBR: Uncanny X-men #15 Preview

INHUMANITY TIE-IN!

The ladies of the UNCANNY X-MEN go out on the town and find themselves face-to-face with the effects of INHUMANITY.

Wait, is that Kitty Pryde with the UNCANNY X-MEN?!?!

Rising star KRIS ANKA (covers of UNCANNY X-FORCE, ALL-NEW X-MEN SPECIAL) comes in as guest artist for this special issue!

There are way too many dirty things I could say here. I know I’m already on the FCC’s most wanted list and I’m sure the NSA laughs their ass off at this shit when they’re not laughing at my drunken texts at three in the morning. But for once, I think the picture here speaks for itself.

We’re so used to seeing Emma Frost looking so elegant and regal. She’s the fucking White Queen for crying out loud. That’s practically a reflex for her. She comes off as the kind of woman who spends no less than two hours getting ready in the morning. And she makes damn sure that everyone she confronts knows it’s worth it. But no matter how hot Emma Frost looks during most of the day, she won’t always look her best. I’m convinced that Helen of Troy herself looked like shit when she first woke up in the morning. This just takes it to a hilarious extreme.

It’s not enough for Emma to look disheveled. She also has to fall asleep in a position that was probably incredibly convenient for the Cyclops, Namors, and Sebastian Shaws of the world. Like a smartphone on standby, this woman was built to be sexy even in her sleep. And that’s sexy on a level that no other woman can touch. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #14

I know I’m pretty harsh on my old high school teachers on this blog. Perhaps I am too harsh. But for any of my old teachers who may be reading this blog, I can only say to most of them…fuck you. I’m sorry, but I just can’t be kind to the people who made school feel like getting circumcised by a great white shark on daily basis. Some people just aren’t meant to be teachers and some students just aren’t meant to be taught. There are a lot of teachers in the X-men comics. The X-men were founded as a school initially. And despite the constant threat of being blown up or hunted by giant robot sentinels, I would gladly take the New Xavier School over my old high school any day. And the events of Uncanny X-men #14 only reinforce that notion.

I don’t think the current students at the New Xavier school would agree with my sentiment. They’re still young and inexperienced and Cyclops is intent on training them. However, training for him means climbing a muddy hill in the middle of the rain while Emma Frost and Illyana watch it like a re-run of Breaking Bad. It’s tough going for most of the students, even for those who had shitty gym teachers like I did. Is it a dick move? Yes, but considering they’ll be fighting killer sentinels, it’s not unreasonable for them to have this kind of harsh training.

Most of the students make it up, yet still do plenty of bitching and moaning. However, Ben Deeds, the so-called mutant chameleon, does more than most. He struggles to reach the top. He gives the impression that the most strenuous activity he ever did was wake up before nine in the morning to attend a class. And Cyclops doesn’t tolerate that slackers like that so he gives him an extra hash lesson, shoving him back down the hill and forcing him to climb back up. Yes, it’s another dick move. But at least he’s nice enough to let Ben hit him back. However, he fucks that up too, further proving that he’s behind the curve.

Now this isn’t the first time Ben Deeds has proven himself to be whiney and inept. Since he was introduced in the pages of All New X-men, he hasn’t done much other than bitch and moan. Everyone in the team has complained, but he does it on a professional level. It’s left him with very little development and because of that, it’s hard to sympathize with him. He’s like spoiled rich kid who whines every time he has to use a public toilet. There’s just no sympathy for assholes like that.

He’s badly in need of some extra tutoring and as it just so happens, Emma Frost is bored seeing him fail and takes it upon herself to give him some extra lessons. She’s even waiting for him the moment he returns to his room wearing only a towel. Granted, there are far worse things a teenage boy could face than Emma Frost in a sexy Punisher-style dress while in a towel, but Ben gives the impression that his penis can’t hide that he’s ill-prepared for such tutoring. Well too bad, because he’s getting it anyway. Emma fucking Frost is teaching him and now that she doesn’t have to waste time being Cyclops’s arm candy, she can dedicate more time to students like him.

It’s awkward as hell at first, which I’m sure was Emma’s intent. But when she confronts him, she discovers something about his powers that make him less like a glorified Mystique rip-off. Since he was introduced, he has been billed as just a mutant chameleon. That’s about as useful as a bucket of piss in the middle of a desert. But that’s not all he can do. Emma senses that he also has a strange ability to instill a sense of trust and good feeling in those around him. When he takes the shape of someone near him, that’s sort of a signal that his power is working. It’s pretty poorly defined, especially to anyone who reads comics while high. But it is unique, even to a drunk and something that needs to be explored.

So in order to explore it, Emma and Magik take Ben to Atlantic City, which is basically Las Vegas-lite for those who can’t handle seeing fully exposed breasts. To test his abilities, Emma has Ben try to hook up with some random girl at a bar. It’s a pretty simple test. Hell, it seems like one of those skills that should have been an elective in high school. That class would have had a waiting list. But even if Ben Deeds managed to get into that class, he would have flunked miserably because he fails to impress the girl. He might have even taken a shit in her purse for all we know because she calls security on him, leaving Emma Frost to be patient and like making the Hulk angry, nobody likes Emma Frost when she’s impatient.

Ben manages to get away from the angry woman and try again with another girl. This time, he finds a girl who happens to be a fan of Stanly Kubrick, proving once again that awesome movies can bring people together almost as good as blow and weed. It’s still not clear how the fuck his powers are working or even if they’re working. But when he takes the appearance of the girl, which she doesn’t fucking notice for some reason, she becomes more attached to him than a horny dog and Megan Fox’s leg. It’s his first real success, which is quite a leap from the ineptitude he showed earlier. From getting shoved down a hill to confronted by Emma Frost while wearing just a towel, he was overdue for a win.

And that first win triggers a winning streak of sorts. He begins exercising his skills with a diverse array of people ranging from a punk rock girl to some hipster douche in a coffee shop to a guy that looks strikingly like Brian Michael Bendis for some reason. They all seem to have the same reaction. Ben manages to endear themselves to him to such an extent that they would tattoo his name on their eyelids if he asked them to. He’s like the world’s best car salesman and would probably make an awesome telemarketer if he was so inclined.

However, the nature of his powers still aren’t defined. Emma Frost said it didn’t involve pheromones or mind control. There’s something else at work and when Marvel doesn’t have details, they tend to take the let’s-not-and-way-we-did approach. That may have worked for George W. Bush’s invasion of Iraq and health care policy, but it doesn’t work well in comics. At the very least, it shows Ben doing something unique and more novel than just shooting gold balls out of his body. But that’s beside the point.

After so many successes, Emma Frost feels he’s ready for an exam of sorts. This time he’ll have to do more than impress some girl who has a thing for Stanley Kubrick movies. He’ll have to deliver a letter to some guy named Timothy Dugan in a building in the financial district. For all he knows, he’s delivering a picture of Wolverine’s dick to Donald Trump’s office. But he does it anyways. And through his ambiguous powers, he’s able to make it through the building and even play nice with the secretary. He has pretty much no trouble getting to Dugan and delivering the letter. It’s so mundane that it could be a Dilbert comic strip.

It only starts to get fucked up when Dugan opens the letter and finds out it’s basically trolling by Cyclops. He says in the most polite way possible that he knows SHIELD is using Sentinels and if they don’t want to have any problems, they’ll cut that shit out. Naturally, SHIELD responds in the most logical way possible. They break out assault weapons and surround Ben Deeds like he just pissed on Captain America’s boot. He’s probably the only one who doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. All he knows is that he just delivered a “fuck you” message to SHIELD.

It would have been a major dick move on Emma’s part, but she makes sure that Magik is there to get him out before SHIELD starts pissing on Ben’s 5th Amendment rights. But beyond this fucked up test of his powers, this also effectively ties into the end of X-men Battle of the Atom. It was revealed that SHIELD had been dealing in Sentinels and that’s not the kind of shit Cyclops wants to see in a world where mutants are no longer going extinct. This plot was developing even before Battle of the Atom and while this doesn’t move that plot forward by much, it does nicely link it up with the larger narrative.

Ben is understandably shaken and a little pissed off probably. But Emma and Cyclops make it clear that he passed the test and finally did more than just bitch and moan. His powers, as ambiguous as they are, have real use and he could definitely be an asset to the X-men. While Ben is still an underdeveloped character who is still not much more likable than Kanye West at this point. He finally has some personality depth. In addition, it also shows that Emma Frost can do way more than just look great in a thong. She can still teach mutants to life up to their potential and that makes her both awesome and sexy as hell.

This issue wasn’t epic and the action wasn’t much more intense than a game of dodge ball. However, the story itself was still awesome because it explored some important elements that had been somewhat negated in Uncanny X-men. Ben Deeds became more than a whiney little bitch and Emma Frost got to teach and look damn sexy doing it. I couldn’t help but hum the song, “Hot For Teacher” by Van Halen at times. And not only was the lesson effectively taught, but it still tied into the ongoing plots in the post-Battle of the Atom world of Uncanny X-men. Some areas were still somewhat negated and underdeveloped, but it didn’t make the issue any less satisfying. I give Uncanny X-men #14 an 8 out of 10. And for the first time since I snuck a Playboy into my history class, both my penis and my mind were stimulated. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #15 Preview - Ladies Night At Its Most Awesome

I believe it was Sun Tzu who once said that the mightiest army of men will always fall to the second mightiest army of beautiful women. Or maybe it was my old therapist, who also happened to be a militant feminist who had a necklace of preserved dog testicles. Whoever said it, I agree completely. No matter how strong or powerful men may be, they'll always be at the mercy of their dicks and beautiful women have a way of manipulating dicks like a weapon of mass castration.

For this reason, the women of the X-men have always held a special place in my heart and my penis. They have shown time and again that a penis isn't necessary to be a good X-man with Cyclops being the lone exception. There are so many alpha females in the X-men that I imagine every scrotum shrivels within a ten mile radius of every X-men base. So what would happen if some of these powerful X-women decided to take a break from destroying Sentinels and inducing boners to have a girl's night out? What kind of night could the women of the X-men possibly have? The awesome kind, that's what.

It was already teased as part of the upcoming Inhumanity event that Marvel is launching. As this story finds its way into the pages of Uncanny X-men, it offers a less-than-perfect setting for a girls night out. But I imagine that any night out that doesn't end with a Sentinel attack is a win by X-men standards.

The timing is actually pretty perfect in some respects. Kitty Pryde and the O5 X-men just joined Cyclops's revolutionary team. And as we saw in All New X-men #18, they're getting along about as well as fresh cooked bacon and a hungry bear. The Stepford Cuckoos have made it clear that Jean Grey is about as welcome as Elton John at Rick Santorum's house. On top of that, O5 Jean Grey has done a great job of effectively pushing away the men who want to get into her panties. Since she seems to suck at getting along with men who want to bone her and is in desperate need of female companionship, she needs a girls night out. And the fine folks at Newsarama released an unlettered preview of what that night out could entail.

Newsarama: Uncanny X-men #15 PREVIEW

I want to complain that this preview is unlettered, but this is one instance where it helps to have a dirty imagination that can great a porno out of anything. In this one instance, I don't mind filling in the blanks, even though I know the actual dialog is probably going to be much more kid-friendly.

Even though I can't tell what's going on, I imagine it consists of something along the lines of Eva saying, "Hey Jean! Join us on our girls night out!" and one of the Stepford Cuckoos saying "If you dare come along, I will rub acid on all your tampons and shave your head in your sleep." It even looks like Emma Frost tags along, probably providing the necessary funds for them to enjoy themselves. It must be nice to be both rich and a wanted fugitive. I imagine Edward Snowden is cutting off his own fingers in jealousy.

Beyond my innate tendency to make a dick joke out of every unlettered preview, it looks as though Eva may provide O5 Jean with a much needed female friend. She has had so little and because of that, her perspective is kind of fucked up. I imagine being the only X-woman for such a long time fucked with both her outlook and her hormones. Hell, I'm surprised she's still sane after living in a house where most of the thoughts of every boy, including Charles Xavier, revolved around wanting to bone her. So in a sense, she needs this, if for no other reason than to distance her from the fucked up love triangles that dominate so many of her stories.

I think this may also be part of a larger effort by Brian Michael Bendis to tell a different kind of story for Jean Grey. For so long now, her stories have consisted of loving Cyclops, hating Emma Frost, resisting the urge to bone Wolverine, and managing the Phoenix Force. Between this and the upcoming Trial of Jean Grey, I think he's trying to tell a different kind of story with her and part of that process is having her interact with more characters. He already set the precedent by having her develop a close bond with Kitty Pryde. Now it looks like she'll be establishing more bonds with other members of the New Xavier School while developing a new rival in X-23, who learns faster than O5 Jean that the power of Cyclops's penis can't be ignored forever.

But I'm okay with waiting for that story to develop later on. Let O5 Jean make a few new girlfriends, if for no other reason than to explain to her why gender equality has stalled due to the advent of selfies, reality TV, and the Kardashians. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #14 PREVIEW - Hard Lessons

I know I make a lot of jokes about how much I hated high school. Some people may laugh at them. The thing is…they’re not jokes. High school was every bit as horrific as I described. I would rather get a prostate exam from a horny gorilla than relive high school. I suspect that one of the reasons that X-men comics resonate so much with me is that it’s based around a fucked up school for mutants that gets blown up on a regular basis. I saw so many fucked up things throughout my high school career that the idea of a school of outcasts with superpowers just works for me. That says a lot about me and the state of public education in this country.

In some ways I envy the mutants that attend the various schools the X-men have run over the years, even if they do get blown up. The lessons they learn are much more useful. I may not ever encounter a killer robot Sentinel, but I’m pretty sure the skills involved in fighting that shit is way more useful than memorizing Calculus equations. I also sympathize with these young mutants because adjusting to a new school while also adjusting to rapidly changing biology is akin to performing brain surgery while standing on hot coals. So I imagine that if the mutants at the New Xavier School or the Jean Grey Institute ever applied for a job, they would laugh their asses off when asked if they’re good at functioning under pressure.

The nuts and bolts of those lessons have been touched on in Wolverine and the X-men a few times. Wolverine’s mid-term consisted of a survival test in the Savage Land. Still beats the hell out of a history exam. But the lessons for the students at the New Xavier School, run by fugitive and professional Wolverine humiliator, Cyclops, have not been explored. With the dust settling with X-men Battle of the Atom and an influx of new students in the Original Five X-men, it’s not a bad time to explore some of those lessons and that’s just what we see in a preview of Uncanny X-men #14, courtesy of the fine folks at Comic Book Resources.

CBR: Uncanny X-men #14 Preview

I don’t claim to have gone to the worst high school in the world. And without making light of how hard these new mutants have had it lately, I’ll still say that I would switch places with them in an instant and not just because I want to get a closer look at Emma Frost’s cleavage.

It’s a tough lesson for everyone, but one that definitely has some merit if they’re going to be fighting more killer robots and demons from Limbo. It also touches on something that All New X-men #18 glossed over, namely how the O5 X-men were going to function at the New Xavier School. The timing is still a little fucked up. O5 Angel doesn’t have his new uniform on so perhaps this took place during that 41 hour transition period mentioned in All New X-men #18. I don’t like to make assumptions, but given how many details Battle of the Atom glossed over, I’m not going to shit bricks over this.

But Bendis has made it clear from the onset that the O5 aren’t going to be the focus of Uncanny X-men. They have their own fucking book for that. Uncanny X-men focuses on different characters and some of those characters have had about as much face time as Mitt Romney in this series. One of those characters is Benjamin Deeds, who they call a mutant chameleon, but his mutant power might as well be whining and bitching. That’s really all he has done since he showed up. He’s badly in need of a little depth. Since the Stepford Cuckoos are stuck on who hates Jean Grey more and Emma Frost has made busting Cyclops’s balls her new hobby, I think it’s time for some new sub-plots. As much as I would love to see a comic that consists solely of Cyclops pwning Wolverine, I understand that there are other ways of making an X-men comic awesome. It might not be as satisfying, but I’m always open to new characters learning how to kick ass. Nuff said!