Twisted, Uncanny, Yet Intriguing: Uncanny X-men #1

The following is my review of Uncanny X-men #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Nobody outside the O.J. Simpson crowd will admit the justice system is perfect. In every part of the world in every point in history, there have been guilty parties that have gone free and innocent parties that have been convicted. It's a harsh reflection of mankind's imperfect nature. We can only ever create imperfect justice systems. However, there comes a point where the degree of that imperfect nature crosses that not-so-fine line from simply imperfect to overtly egregious.

This nature is the shaky foundation on which the X-men comics have been built since Secret Wars. It's not enough for mutants to just be a struggling minority anymore. They have to be the kind of minority that evokes terror not seen since the Salem Witch Trials.

To do this, that shaky foundation is stuffed with a few extra pounds of dynamite and mixed with napalm. Any progress the X-men might have made with Charles Xavier, Cyclops, or the Jean Grey Institute has been discarded like a half-eaten candy bar. The entire mutant race is now at a point where demon-infested dimension is considered a safe location for a school.

The team of X-men in Extraordinary X-men and All-New X-men still cling to the classic approach that Charles Xavier championed for decades. But in Uncanny X-men #1, Magneto puts together a team of X-men that opts for a less passive approach. There's only so much peace, love, and understanding that can be inspired when mutants are associated with plagues, death, and Brett Ratner movies.

Magneto understands that egregious circumstances require disconcerting actions and Uncanny X-men #1 shows that these actions can create a uniquely compelling narrative. The themes in this series are not going to be confused with those of Extraordinary X-men and All-New X-men. They're not going to be confused with anything written by Chris Claremont or drawn by Jim Lee either. These X-men are the Oakland Raiders of mutants, renegades who keep their goals simple and aren't above playing dirty. But like the Oakland Raiders since 2002, they're not exactly a championship team.

The team of X-men that Cullen Bunn assembles in this series are hardly boy scouts. They're the kind of crowd that would be barred from every gated community in Orange County. They don't carry themselves as heroes. In fact, they come off as downright villainous and not in the way Al Davis embraced. But when they get a chance to explain themselves, there's a sense of purpose. It won't win them a Nobel Peace prize anytime soon, but it does create intrigue.

This intrigue is built around an odd yet effective twist on the fundamental themes of X-men. As a metaphor for marginalized minorities, they inspire hope among those who feel oppressed and bullied. Well Magneto and his team of less-than-reputable mutants in Uncanny X-men are skipping the part where they inspire. He's basically grabbing mutants by the collar, slapping them a few times, and telling them to gut it out through these difficult times. Mutants survived Chuck Austin and Brett Ratner. They can survive this.

It's harsh, but it's reflective of the solemn state mutants find themselves in. They're being hunted like wounded cows in Ron Swanson's back yard, they've been sterilized by the Terrigen Mists, and they're being blamed for whatever off-panel antics Cyclops has done. So it's perfectly understandable that some would try to take the easy way out. In this case, that involves paying a company obscene amounts of money to put them in stasis until they wake up in a world where mutants are only spit on and not shot at. It sounds extreme, but it also sounds like one of Google's secret projects.

Understandable or not, Magneto and his team of renegade X-men basically drag these mutants kicking and screaming out of their despair. These are not the kinds of methods that Charles Xavier would condone, but he wouldn't outright condemn them either. Even a pacifist has to be willing to slap someone across the face every now and then when they get overly dire.

While the overall narrative in Uncanny X-men #1 is intriguing, some of the finer details are lacking. Cullen Bunn's characterization is pretty spot on, but the voices of each character come off as somewhat dry. The dialog is not very conversational and at times, it sounds like the characters are reading lines from a Roger Corman movie. And while Greg Land's art makes for detailed, gritty backgrounds, it doesn't convey much emotion beyond Monet flirting with Sabretooth.

There is still a sense of a larger story in Uncanny X-men #1. The company charging mutants obscene money to sleep through this latest extinction/sterilization plot isn't a wing of Google or Koch Industries for that matter. They're conveyed as a more subtle version of the Umbrella Corporation from the Resident Evil games and unlike Sentinels, they're not the kind of enemy that the X-men can confront in an overtly heroic manner.

This story and its larger themes help make the case that Magneto's team of disreputable X-men are uniquely qualified for these challenges. They may be harsh, but one of the mutants they confront in the story actually responds to their tough love methods. It helps show that there is merit to having a team of X-men that'll do more than just beat up on killer robots. It still won't win them any friends at Amnesty International, but it will give the mutant race a fighting chance.

Like the plot of a typical episode of CSI, the big picture is there, along with the violence and car crashes. It's the finer details that are lacking. Like the other X-men comics, Uncanny X-men #1 has to build a story on a shaky foundation. So many of these finer details transpire off-panel and it's difficult to make the story feel refined. But Cullen Bunn makes the most of the hand that he's been dealt. It isn't much, but it is enough to discourage anyone from inviting him to a poker tournament.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

X-men Supreme Issue 129: Impossible Odds Part 1 is LIVE!

There have been times where Marvel has actually explored the X-men from the context of being a real minority. Those times seem so long ago since Marvel grew fond of telling and retelling stories centered on the extinction and sterilization of the mutant race. But those kinds of stories are still important for the X-men and if Marvel won’t tell those stories in the comics, then it’s up to me to tell them in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. And of all the characters that can provide insight into this facet of mutant life, Dazzler is in the best position to expand that story.

It’s been a long time since I introduced her into this fanfiction series in X-men Supreme Issue 13: Bedazzled. In Alison Blaire, I created a character whose mutant status both hindered and aided her dream of becoming a successful musician. I purposefully avoided her joining the X-men or some other mutant team, which I know disappointed some readers. But I did that for a reason. I wanted Dazzler to offer insight into the actual experience of being a mutant. It’s an experience that sometimes becomes lost in the X-men’s continued battles against Magneto, Sinister, the Brotherhood of Mutants, or the Mutant Liberation Front. But it’s an important experience to consider within the context of the Charles Xavier’s dream.

A big part of that dream of fostering peace and understanding between humans and mutants means being allowed to pursue one’s goals, passions, and aspirations without fear of bigotry and discrimination. Well, thanks to the recent events surrounding the Mutant Liberation Front in X-men Supreme Issue 127: Terror Sell, fear and bigotry of mutants has never been higher. The X-men couldn’t stem the tide and the recent departure of Professor Xavier from the Xavier Institute has only complicated matters. So what does that mean for ordinary mutants like Dazzler?

That’s the question that the next arc, Impossible Odds, will address. Back in X-men Supreme Issue 13: Bedazzled, Dazzler and the X-men were able to turn a potential disaster into a triumph. That triumph did wonders for Dazzler’s music career. But recent events have hit her career hard. Being a mutant, she’s not immune to the events surrounding the Mutant Liberation Front. Mutants are more feared than ever. And since Dazzler’s career has been built around her mutation, it’s going to affect her star power.

Like many stars who were also minorities, Dazzler will have to go the extra mile to continue her success. However, she’ll be facing more challenges than most. Like the real world, X-men Supreme will place more obstacles before her than most. Stars who try to cling to their fame often get desperate. But desperation often breeds foolish decisions. Just ask Fantomex. And in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series, this often leads to volatile situations. That situation will involve names and characters that X-men fans should recognize in the best possible way. And I look forward to bringing these characters in to the X-men Supreme fanfiction series.

X-men Supreme Issue 129: Impossible Odds Part 1

These are tense times for mutants, both in the comics and in X-men Supreme. I’ll let the comics explore yet another extinction/sterilization plot. I intend to take things in a different direction with X-men Supreme. This fanfiction series will explore plenty of X-men themes. This arc is just the latest. And Dazzler is at the center of it all. She’s a character who has a passionate set of fans. As such, I’d love to hear from those fans. I want to know that I’m doing this character justice, along with every other character in X-men. So either post your feedback directly in the issue or contact me directly. Either way is fine as long and I’m always happy to chat. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

Uncanny X-men #1: Nuff Said

I don’t pretend to know a lot about justice and the best way to enforce it. Every traffic cop on the east coast will tell you I’m horribly ignorant of certain concepts of law. However, even those asshole traffic cops would admit that when the amount of injustice is directly proportional to the amount of bullshit surrounding a situation, a bit more than a parking ticket is needed.

That’s the situation in Uncanny X-men. As we’ve seen in both Extraordinary X-men and All-New X-men, the entire mutant race is more fucked than a Bangkok whore running low on meth. People are taking turns spitting on Charles Xavier’s grave and using his ashes as lube to jerk off. Some X-men will continue to rely on the peaceful, hippie crap that has served the X-men so well in the past. Others, like Magneto, opt for a more direct approach that burns through the bullshit. That’s the approach we see in Uncanny X-men #1. I can’t say how effective it is, but I will say I’m taking notes for my next lesson to traffic court.

We quickly find out that Magneto would be the most sadistic yet effective traffic cop on the planet. A couple of armored convoys driving down downtown Detroit? Nothing suspicious about that. That sounds like how most reasonable people would get groceries in downtown Detroit. But if they have expired tags and Magneto is feeling petty, they’re fucked. He crashes their convoy and not to give them a petty traffic ticket either. He’s Magneto. He’s not THAT evil.

The drivers in the car don’t come off as meth-addicted NASCAR fans, but they don’t come off as Disney princesses either. To be fair, Magneto does give them a fair warning to turn over their cargo. Their reaction is to shoot him. Right, because that always works out so well against the Master of fucking Magnetism.

As a result, you feel slightly less sympathy for these guys when Sabretooth joins the fight. He’s still inverted. He still has that goofy ass short hair. But Wolverine would not want to stab him immediately for his methods. He just makes sure the drivers are terrified enough to shit themselves and tries hard not to laugh his ass off. Even for an inverted Sabretooth, that’s the best we can hope for in a situation that involves crashing armored convoys.

Nobody is going to get a boner watching Sabretooth try to be Wolverine. The same can’t be said for Monet showing up. She’s now decided to run with a rougher crowd and look damn sexy doing it. Not judging. Not complaining in the slightest. She doesn’t do anything quite as brutal as Sabretooth or as flashy as Magneto, but she does contribute. She just does it in a way that heterosexual men can easily jerk off to. Greg Land’s art certainly helps with that. I understand that might bother some people. I kindly request that those people go fuck themselves. Monet baby, welcome to Uncanny X-men!

Monet is probably having the most fun here. The same can’t be said for Psylocke, even if she does deliver just as much sex appeal. She’s a sexy ninja telepath. Like Megan Fox in a bikini, it’s just one of those things that’s inherently sexy. Those same people I told to go fuck themselves will probably still complain. I’m done thinking about those assholes. I just want to admire the way Cullen Bunn captures Psylocke, Monet, and Sabretooth’s badassery. My brain and my penis both approve.

All this badassery is well and good, but it’s still not enough to complete the mission. Parts of the convoy manage to escape. I’ll bet none of them have any bullshit traffic tickets. Magneto is still in a position to make them shit themselves. At this point, I don’t even have sympathy for the pants these guys are wearing. For reasons not entirely clear, and are likely a result of bullshit that happened off-panel, Magneto is somewhat drained. This means these assholes are going to try to finish him off by running him over with the truck. Like throwing hot coffee on a state trooper, it’s one of those dick moves that can’t possibly end well.

Enter the next member of the Uncanny X-men crew. This time, it’s Arcangel. Again, some crazy shit happened off-panel. He’s no longer the goofy, amnesiac that doesn’t get to see Psylocke naked any more due to the events of the Dark Angel Saga. He’s back to being Arcangel again. With help from Psylocke, he flies in, finishes off the assholes who weren’t smart enough to drive away, and effectively ends the mission.

But it’s here where we get our first taste of drama within this series. Like Extraordinary X-men and All-New X-men, so much shit happens off-panel that we’re left to make a lot of fucked up assumptions. Those assumptions somehow transformed Angel back into Arcangel in a way that made his mind more blank than the typical MTV audience. And somehow, Psylocke was responsible and it wears heavily on her. It’s a sad moment, but one that helps make this battle more than a glorified traffic stop.

Arcangel doesn’t do or say anything. He’s basically the X-men equivalent of a drone strike. He just inspires more cosplayers. His attack effectively ends this little battle, which makes for a nice shot of this new team of X-men. For the unlucky asshole who survived, he’s probably both terrified and horny at the sight of this team. They’re not the kind of X-men who just hide out in Limbo, bitching and moaning about Cyclops every five minutes. They’re out in the streets actually doing something about the fucked up state of the mutant race. Slap a military logo on this and it could be a commercial to join the marines.

After Psylocke gives the unlucky asshole the psychic equivalent of 100 hangovers, they unlock the cargo to reveal another testament to just how fucked mutants are. This convoy wasn’t carrying Sentinels, dead mutant babies, or a million middle fingers from the Inhumans. It contained containment pods carrying mutants. Does that not sound too fucked up? Well, they actually paid to get contained in these things.

Confused? No need to smoke an extra joint. There’s a reason for it. These mutants are basically trying to do what any lazy fuck would do when shit gets rough. They want to sleep through it. So they paid someone to put them in a pod in hopes that they’ll wake up in a time when mutants are slightly less fucked. That might not be until Bryan Singer retires, but it’s entirely understandable. I almost sympathize with these mutants, but can’t get around the fact that they’re cowards on par with internet trolls. Magneto’s new team of X-men are kind enough to point that out to them in a way that even internet trolls wouldn’t argue with.

It makes for a dramatic and meaningful scene. One of the mutants, who happens to be a healer who looks like a crack-addict version of Chris Hemsworth, is a healer. And he laments at how shitty things are and how he just wants to sleep through this current nightmare, not knowing that Fox’s lawyers will make that all but impossible. It makes for a powerful moment where Magneto points out that mutants are fucked, but at least they’re doing something about it. Sleeping through the horror won’t make it go away. You actually have to get off your ass and do something. It’s the mutant coaching equivalent of Vince Lombardi and fuck if it didn’t make me want to punch this whiny guy in the dick.

They leave these mutants to contemplate the merits of being a fucking cowards. It’s a successful mission, but one that’s only part of a bigger picture. On the X-jet, Magneto and Psylocke discuss this new trend of mutants trying to sleep through the shit storm. There’s a chance that the company offering this service, Someday Enterprises, might have a more sinister agenda.

A greedy company doing something dickish to screw over a minority? It might as well have been ripped from the Huffington Post. But it hints at a larger enemy. After what these X-men just did to a simple armored convoy, I feel like I’ll need an extra bag of weed to get through the coming battles, but in a good way.

The X-men have their new mission. But what about that healer whose balls they so rightfully busted? Well to his credit, he tries to take their advice to heart. He uses his powers on a couple of poor civilians. It’s a noble gesture, but one that doesn’t make him less of a coward. However, he doesn’t get a chance to make up for it beyond that. The Dark Riders show up and end his cowardly ass on the spot. For some reason, they have a problem with someone healing sick and weak people. Magneto and his team can’t show up and kick their asses fast enough.

So...is it awesome?

If you’re expecting this comic to fix everything that sucks about the other post-Secret Wars X-men comics and give you a blow job at the same time, then no. If your expectations are more reasonable and involve less gagging, then yes. Uncanny X-men #1 is pretty awesome. I won’t say it’ll turn your asshole inside out while pouring a bucket of cocaine into your brain. But it doesn’t do anything that’ll make you want throw up and dump flaming bags of horse shit on Inhumans comics.

Let’s face it. Things suck elephant dick for the X-men right now. Some are willing to cash in their chips, buy a bottle of cheap wine, and black out until the nightmare is over. Magneto and his team of pound-you-in-the-ass X-men aren’t letting those people get off easy. Yeah, they’re assholes, but you still can’t help but root for them. They still come off as X-men and not Magneto’s bitches. And in an era where Marvel loves to shit on everything Fox owns off-panel like a constipated Brett Ratner, we need X-men like this.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Insincere Insecurities: Superman/Wonder Woman Annual #2

The following is my review of Superman/Wonder Woman Annual #2, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Romance in comics is often handled with the same competence as a teenager who keeps failing to pass the 10th grade. When it comes to telling stories about romance between two powerful characters, it's a two-way street with one too many traffic cops. Either a couple is in the process of hooking up or in the process of breaking up. It's will-they-or-won't-they versus how-bad-is-it-going-to-get? Like North Korean election, there is no middle ground.

The list of iconic couples that have succumbed to this narrow narrative that anyone can see in a 90120 rerun has only grown over the years. Couples like Vision and the Scarlet Witch, Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson, and Cyclops and Jean Grey have all been undermined, undone, or utterly nullified via deals with the pseudo-devil. With Reed and Sue Richards possibly joining that list after Secret Wars, there's a real chance that iconic romances could go the way of VHS and mix tapes.

Marvel's handling of romance has been flawed to say the least. That's why DC's efforts with the Superman/Wonder Woman relationship that emerged from the New 52 was so refreshing. For once, it seemed they would actually put an effort into making this a real relationship and leave sticking to tired formulas to bad Johnny Depp movies. They just had the resist the urge to slip back into familiar territory once the narrative required more effort.

The events of Darkseid War and Truth have made that temptation very strong. And the events of Superman/Wonder Woman Annual #2 attempt to give an overall perspective of the relationship, if only to explore the extent of its potential. The narrative that unfolds leaves us with more questions than answers, but it still provides solid insight into the only relationship that either Marvel or DC has put any effort into developing.

This isn't a story where Superman and Wonder Woman team up to punch Lex Luthor and Cheetah in the jaw while making out on their unconscious bodies. It's more an inner reflection told by Superman, comparing his relationship with Wonder Woman to the relationship his adopted parents had. In some ways, it's both a fair and unfair comparison. Jonathan and Martha Kent represent the gold standard for a loving couple and loving parents. Comparing any relationship to them is like comparing every man's endowment to that of Ron Jeremy.

However, it is a fair comparison in the sense that this relationship is Superman's insight into what a loving couple should be. Compared to those who get their ideas of love from Twilight books and Kanye West videos, this is as good a standard as any man could use. And throughout Superman's musings, we see how his relationship with Wonder Woman meets and does not meet that standard.

We see moments in the relationship where things are sunshine, rainbows, and Celine Dion songs. From getting frisky in the Justice League Watchtower to sharing a double date with Aquaman and Mera, these moments make clear that the love these two shared was genuine and passionate. Some of it is the kind of puppy love that made Stephanie Meyers rich. Some of it is a deeper, more meaningful love that would never made it into a Julia Roberts movie. These moments provide depth, but they also set the stage for the flaws in the narrative.

As Superman's musings continue, we get more insight into other parts of his relationship with Wonder Woman that were never explored in their respective comics. One such moment was him reacting to Wonder Woman becoming the new God of War. While it doesn't lead to an argument, it does reveal some insecurities. And these aren't the kind of insecurities that can be overcome with extra date nights and chocolates either.

The insecurities in this case eventually morph into obstacles. Wonder Woman being the God of War and Superman losing his powers become excuses for uncertainty. And this is the main weakness of the narrative. The uncertainty feels forced and somewhat petty. And when Superman and Wonder Woman start to get petty without the influence of Brainiac, then something is wrong.

Some of these issues that are explored don't need to be issues, but they're presented in such a way and that makes them feel less than genuine. The idea that Superman doesn't trust Wonder Woman to handle being the God of War or that Wonder Woman doesn't trust Superman to be who he is without his powers isn't just disingenuous. It's unreasonable. Again, unless Brainiac is influencing them, they have no excuses.

It's towards the end that these forced insecurities start to have a negative impact on the relationship. That's not to say that it makes the emotions less sincere. If anything, it reveals that Superman and Wonder Woman's relationship still lacks the maturity to make it a reasonable comparison to the Kents. Even if they're still light years ahead of any relationship Marvel has attempted in the past five years, the insecurities are inflated to a point where Superman and Wonder Woman feel out of character.

There are plenty of moments in Superman/Wonder Woman Annual #2 where the strengths and the progression of the Superman/Wonder Woman relationship are well-developed. But the conflicts that are explored in this issue feel too forced. It gives the impression that DC is succumbing to the same temptation that Marvel did when they nullified Spider-Man's marriage with Mary Jane Watson. Even if this doesn't lead to another deal with Mephisto, it feels like someone is too ready to sell their soul.

Every relationship faces conflicts and obstacles. The Superman/Wonder Woman relationship is no different. But in the same way comics rely too often on Nazis and evil scientists, they rely too much on forcing dysfunction within a relationship to make it interesting. Superman and Wonder Woman don't have to be on the verge of breaking up or making up to be meaningful. The emotions between them just have to be sincere. And with the exception of sociopaths and poorly moderated message boards, these emotions appeal to everybody.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

X-men Supreme Issue 129: Impossible Odds Part 1 PREVIEW!

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