Love Disinterest: Savage Wolverine #6

The following is my review of Savage Wolverine #6, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Here’s something that a number of media properties haven’t figured out yet. Are you ready? Here goes…it’s not always necessary for the lead male character to have a love interest. Shocking, I know. Take as much time as needed. It’s also shocking how writers have such a hard time of telling a compelling story that doesn’t involve some guy trying to hook up with some girl or vice versa. I’m all for romantic sub-plots. Heck, I even write them myself. But I also understand that it’s not always necessary to tell an awesome story. And that’s where I come in with Savage Wolverine.

This series takes Wolverine away from being an X-man, an Avenger, and a guy who occasionally does some solo heroics so that he can get in touch with his true nature. And for him, his true nature involves him being a snarling, violent, ill-tempered brute that you still want to love, hug, and have a beer with. That has always been part of his mystique. What’s more, there are already plenty of stories about Wolverine tempest-tossed on the waves of relationships. Going all the way back to Chris Claremont and Frank Miller’s Wolverine. And some of those stories are pretty good. But there’s nothing essential rescuing the damsel in distress when it comes to Wolverine. So it shouldn’t be the case that only these kinds of stories are told about the character.

The first arc of Savage Wolverine succeeded in telling a simple, gritty Wolverine story where he interacted with a beautiful woman wearing nothing but a bikini. Yet there were no romantic or sexual undertones. Wolverine and Shanna the She-Devil toiled in the Savage Land to find an alien artifact and while they failed miserably in the end, they did it without it turning into a bad porno. This arc ended up establishing one of the best Wolverine series I’ve seen in recent memory. It’s Wolverine without the emotional baggage that turned him into an Edward Cullen wannabe in the movies and that’s the Wolverine that we all know and love and love to hate.

But now that arc is over. Now Savage Wolverine #6 begins another arc that involves another hot female co-star. Elektra, she of Daredevil and more recently Thunderbolts fame, is the new alpha female of this arc. She’s also the one that sets it into motion by revealing that whoever was hired to guard Bullseye’s dead body needs to be fired. Like Shanna, her presence in this comic adds a nice blend of estrogen-powered awesome to a series based on someone who has more testosterone in his pinkie finger than most men ever will.

This issue also highlights just how different Wolverine is from his fellow Avengers. Like the first Savage Land arc, there’s a nice bit of internal narration that helps offer some unique perspective into Wolverine’s thought process. Without it, he would just be another snarling beast who got hacked off because someone other than Cyclops handed him his butt. He knows that he’s a killer. He knows that he’s not a hero on the same level as the Avengers. And that sort of thing often gets lost in the whole spectacle of having such a diverse cast in books like the Avengers or Wolverine & the X-Men. Sure, Hawkeye may have an attitude, but Wolverine has both an attitude and serious issues that no amount of therapy could treat.

This sort of perspective on Wolverine is compelling. What isn’t so compelling is how Spider-Man is shoehorned into the story. Reading this issue gives the impression that the events of Superior Spider-Man are being completely ignored. That may be music to the ears of those who utterly despise what Dan Slott has done to Peter Parker as of late, but in this comic it’s a distraction. So when Elektra shows up asking for Wolverine’s help, we get an entire page of Spider-Man making a total fool of himself. If this was meant to add a touch of humor to the book, it failed miserably.

The conflict that Elektra drags Wolverine into is deadly serious. The Kingpin may now be the leader of the Hand, but for whatever reason they question his strength. Now I have no idea why they would question the strength of a crime lord whose pants are probably stronger than any of his predecessors. I guess it must be a ninja thing. But the Hand’s snooty lawyer (every evil organization has to have one) says that he must face some kind of twisted ninja arbitration. It sounds like an extreme version of Judge Judy, but it’s apparently a big deal and the Kingpin has never taken challenges to his power lightly.

It sets the stage for some interesting challenges and some more interesting insight for Wolverine, but it falls short in the end when the nature of Elektra’s mission is revealed to him. Even though Wolverine is a killer and a brute who doesn’t think things through, even he has to understand why this mission is bound to be a painful failure.

The setup of this issue is compelling. The characterization for Wolverine and Elektra is spot on. But the details are what’s lacking. And an entire page was wasted on Spider-Man. Moreover, there’s still no romantic overtone between Wolverine and Elektra. While he refers to her as a “kindred spirit” that understands what it’s like to be a killer, he’s just fighting alongside her without without even the suggestion of romance getting in the way. It’s a refreshing take on Wolverine that shies away from clichés and as much as it does misogyny.

Final Score: 7 out of 10.

Thanks again PopMatters.com!

Superman: Man of Steel REVIEW - A Bold (and Awesome) New Superman

For the past 25 years, the world of comics and movies have given a giant middle finger to heroes in favor of the constantly lactating tit that is the anti-hero. The ideals and morals of true heroes like Superman have been deemed "uncool" by the Illuminati or some cynical shit like that and now people love Batman, Wolverine, Iron Man, X-men, and Watchmen. These anti-heroes are not the kind of people that we would want to associate with in real life. These are not the kind of people that we teach our kids to be like. Yeah, they may save the day, but they also drink heavily, lust after married women, break the law, kill people, and generally act like complete assholes.

In fact, it's gotten to the point where I can count all the true heroes on one hand. There's Superman. There's Goku. There's Optimus Prime from Transformers. But that's it. I would include Captain America in that group, but after events like Avengers vs. X-men and Civil War he doesn't deserve to be in that category anymore. Hell, he doesn't even deserve to buff the dings out of Optimus Prime's ass. That's why I was so excited to see a new Superman movie. It's not that I'm burned out on anti-heroes. But I think there's still a place for real heroes in this world where being good, upstanding, and moral is now "uncool" for some reason and being a fucking asshole is a virtue. And if the S on Superman's chest is supposed to stand for hope, then this movie does a great job of reminding people of that hope.

Let me get this out of the way first. Superman: Man of Steel is awesome. It is by far the most awesome movie I have seen this year. It's better than Iron Man 3. Hell, it's better than the first two Iron Man movies, the Green Lantern movie, the Captain America movie, the Thor movie, and every single X-men movie (although that may not be saying much since all those movies sucked). The only movie that is on the same level is Avengers and this movie is awesome for the same reasons that Avengers is awesome.

Superman: Man of Steel doesn't try to reinvent Superman's 75-year-old story. Watching this movie, you will see the same story that people have known for nearly a century. But this movie has a number of changes. The reason Krypton failed is somewhat different, but similar. The life of Clark Kent growing up in Smallville is somewhat different, but similar. The big threat posed by General Zod is somewhat different, but similar. Seeing a pattern here? Director Zack Snyder walked a fine line between changing Superman and respecting the source material. Some of those changes are really trivial. Perry White is black, played by Morpheus himself, Lawrence Fishburne. Jimmy Olson had a sex change and is now Jenny Olson. But some changes are a lot more substantive.

SPOILER ALERT

SPOILER ALERT

The biggest change has to do with Lois Lane. She's not just Superman's love interest if you can believe that. She's not just his human foil either. Lois Lane in this movie has more balls than Wolverine had in any of the X-men movies (again, not saying much). She also figures out who Superman is very early on. He never had to keep his identity from her. She knows because...well, she's a damn good reporter. And good reporters figure this sort of shit out. In fact, it makes you think that Lois Lane was completely inept at her job for not figuring it out sooner. But this shows that she's both resourceful and skilled, someone who you actually feel is worthy of Superman's love. No one else reaches out to him the way Lois does. Also, he didn't knock her up and leave the planet. Sorry, I just had to throw in another big fuck you to Bryan Singer.

Go back to blowing Joel Shumacher.

Beyond Lois, another big change is Krypton itself. Superman isn't exactly the last of his kind in this movie. We already knew from the trailers that General Zod was the big bad guy and not Lex fucking Luthor this time (although Lexcorp is mentioned in an easter egg). But Zod also had an army of fellow Kryptonian exiles that were all loyal to him and dedicated to beating Superman to a pulp. It was actually the first time in a Superman movie where he looked truly overwhelmed. And he was. He actually couldn't defeat them without help from the human race.

And this is the biggest and best change to the Superman mythos. Superman himself is not all power. He's not the one that comes in and saves the day in this movie. He actually teams up with the human race. Hell, even the military folks help him. Yeah, they act like assholes at first, but without them the world becomes Zod's personal toilet. Both the military and Lois Lane are instrumental in saving the world. And the point isn't just that Superman is powerful enough to save the day. The point is that Superman will always make the right decision, even when it's the hard decision. And that's who Superman is supposed to be.

This was still a dick move, but Superman didn't hold it against them.

Beyond just the changes, this movie is very nicely detailed. The motivations and emotions are thoroughly vetted of not just Superman, but all the characters. General Zod is not just a tyrannical douche in this movie. He wants to restore the home he lost. He's a proud Kryptonian. That's not inherently evil unless you bring Nazi metaphors into the mix. And the reason why Krypton as a planet failed is thoroughly vetted too. It's not the same as it was in previous movies or in the comics, but it shows an attention to detail that you don't always see in a comic book movie. And yes, I'm looking at YOU the Dark Knight Rises.

There details extend to some flashbacks of Superman's childhood. It's not exactly like Smallville, but it once again shows that the Kent's are the reason why Superman is who he is. There were some truly emotional moments where Superman learned from his parents the importance of doing the right thing and making hard choices. That all played out later in the story and later in his life in a perfectly harmonious way. It makes this movie somewhat long at times, but every minute is gripping and it fits into a coherent whole. In the same way that I value comics that take the time to make sense, I put this movie on a higher pedestal because it makes sense.

Now I get there are criticisms to this movie. Rotten Tomatoes actually rated this movie lower than Superman Returns. But I say fuck you Rotten Tomatoes! Too much CGI? Who gives a shit! Too much Michael Bay style action? Who gives a shit? It's entertaining! It tells a coherent story! Yes, it's a story we're all familiar with. And yes, it's not as campy as previous Superman movies. And why should it be? It's not grim and gritty. The whole movie is centered around hope and doing the right thing. And it succeeds. If you somehow have a problem with that, then you're not being an intelligent critic. You're just being a douche-bag.

Please take this to heart, motherfucker.

Superman: Man of Steel isn't just a reboot. It's a bold new Superman for a new era. This isn't the same world from which Superman was created. It's not 1938. But this movie shows that there is still a place for the ideals that Superman represents. He, like the symbol on his chest, represents hope. Now Jor-El himself said in the movie that humanity would stumble behind that ideal, but in time we would join Superman in achieving wonderful things. That's a very real message that is a lot better than messages from other movies like Batman can get away with anything, Iron Man can built a suit to make up for the fact that he's an asshole, and Wolverine can be a cold-blooded killer yet still be a hero. None of those movies convey that ideal that Superman represents. When you see this movie, you see the hope that is that ideal for which we should all strive. Not all of us can reach it, but its mere presence is like a beacon of hope that is every bit as powerful as Superman himself.

When this movie was over, I walked out of the theater feeling every bit as satisfied as I felt when I walked out of the Avengers movie. Superman: Man of Steel is more than just another superhero movie. It takes a classic story that we all know and love and reminds us of why we love it. Superman: Man of Steel gets a 5 out of 5 and my highest recommendation. I may be an X-men fan and a lifelong Marvel fan, but I'm not afraid to admit that this movie touched me as both a comic book fan and just a fan in general. Superman is and will always be the standard by which all other heroes and anti-heroes are measured. And if you don't like, then you can go kiss his Kryptonian ass. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue #77 PREVIEW!

The first shot has been fired in a battle that marks a pivotal turning point for the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. Two new players have entered the human/mutant conflict. General Nathan Grimshaw has entered the world of X-men Supreme and so has his trusted soldier, Jack Freeman. He made a bold and dagnerous move, sending Captain Freeman to Genosha on a covert mission to steal Magneto's helmet. He succeeded, roughing up Magneto's Brotherhood of Mutants in the process. Having made his presence known, he now has the attention and potentially more from President Kelly. This bold move is poised to have serious consequences and these consequences will be a big part of the events of X-men Supreme Volume 4: Politics of Fear.

Now this fanfiction series enters a new phase as General Grimshaw and Captain Freeman continue to spread their influence throughout the world of X-men Supreme. The events on Genosha were detected by the X-men during Captain Freeman's infiltration. Charles Xavier and his X-men know something is up and they're about to learn what they're up against, just like Magneto. I said from the beginning that my two original characters were going to play a big part in the events of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. The extent of their role will continue to unfold in the next issue. As usual, I've prepared an extended preview of the conflicts you can expect.

“What the…who in God’s name are you?!” he demanded.

“Nice office you got here. Do all President Kelly’s holy men get such cozy accommodations?” said a shadowy figure sitting in his chair and facing away while he rummaged through his files.

“If you’re not going to identify yourself then I’m calling security!” Stryker threatened.

“Oh you don’t want to do that, Reverend. Not until you hear what I have to offer.”

The man turned around in his chair to greet the bewildered Reverend. He was in a high ranking military uniform, bearing emblems similar to the ones General Grimshaw wore. He didn’t have as many metals or distinctions, but he had the same stern military demeanor.

“Oh great, another General,” muttered Stryker.

“Actually, I’m a Colonel,” he told him, “Colonel John Wraith, United States Armed Forces. I used to go by General, but I was recently demoted.”

“If you’re trying to win sympathy, you’re not going to get it!”

“Funny, I thought men of God were supposed to be compassionate,” quipped Wraith, “Did I mention that the man who demoted me was General Grimshaw? Does that help my soul?”

Stryker tensed upon hearing that name. At the same time it quickly turned his outrage into curiosity. Suddenly, this man didn’t seem unworthy of sympathy.

“I hope you’re not just here to share mutual outrage. I’ve had enough bad news for one day,” said Stryker in a calmer tone.

“Then this should cheer you up,” said Wraith with an ominous grin, “I understand you’ve had it pretty rough since the inauguration. President Kelly has marginalized your influence and now someone with much more clout has come in to muscle you out.”

“You’re telling me things I already know, Colonel. Take a page from the Good Book and give me a revelation!” demanded Stryker.

“How’s this…right now, we’re in administrative purgatory if you’ll pardon the spiritual puns. Nathan Grimshaw is a tough act to compete with. He’s got a lot of connections and they like him better than they’ll ever like us. So if we’re going to get anything done, we need to pool our resources.”

“I don’t even know you. Why would I bother helping you?”

“Because we both want the same thing,” said Wraith strongly, “You see mutants as a scourge. I see mutants as a threat that needs to be eliminated. I used to have a means to do so, but thanks to some bumbling on the part of a few foolish scientists I’ve lost that. And If I’m going to get it back, I’ll need help.”

Stryker studied this man carefully. After the way President Kelly shut him out he was suspicious of anybody claiming to support his cause. This man didn’t come off as some ambitious bureaucrat. He looked like someone with the cunning and backbone to do what was necessary. The Lord didn’t always answer his prayers in the way he expected. Even if this wasn’t a divine sign, then he would be foolish not to pursue it.

“What do you need from me?”

“Just the services of your Purifiers,” grinned Colonel Wraith, “My lower rank leaves me without much of an army to command. But you have the necessary manpower. I’ll need that if I’m to get what I need out of Japan.”

“Japan?” said Stryker curiously, “What in God’s name are you trying to get back?

Colonel Wraith’s grin widened as he casually put his arm around the reverend’s shoulder and led him out of his office. He could tell this man was jaded after what had been going on lately. Getting caught up in General Nathan Grimshaw’s affairs certainly rubed salt in the wound. Stryker was a man dedicated to his cause and at this point in his failing military career he’s just what he needed to forge the ultimate weapon against mutants.

“It’s a long story, Reverend. Walk with me. I’ll fill you in on all the gritty details. I think you especially will appreciate what I have planned.”

I also have another quick update to the pics section. I know I've been putting extra time into expanding the X-ladies section, but this time the update involves a very generous piece of artwork submitted by a very generous reader named warfolomei. Warfolomei was nice enough to both review every issue of X-men Supreme on Fanfiction.net and take the time to coordinate with others and submit a wonderful piece that I have included in the pics section. Thank you, warfolomei and all those who helped him! You've helped make the X-men Supreme fanfiction series more awesome!

X-men Supreme Official Panels

So far I haven't gotten much feedback on the introduction of Captain Freeman and General Grimshaw. Of that limited feedback, the sentiment has been largely positive. But I know I'll need more insight if I'm going to make these two characters successful contributers to the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. Using original characters is always risky. Since these two characters are so new, there is much about them that I want to explore. I'm already hard at work preparing a bio entry for both of them. I'll post it in the coming weeks. Until then, please tell me what you think of these two new participants in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series! Feel free to contact me at any time with comments or questions. Until then, take care and best wishes! Excelsior!

Jack

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine and the X-men #31

Every week, a new comic comes out and I dip my brain into this beautiful concoction of ink and tree pulp to fully appreciate it. Wolverine and the X-men #31 is the latest blend of ink and tree pulp to mix with my brain matter. These are the twisted thoughts that emerge as a result.

We see Kid Omega guiding a new student with a face that looks like a botched vaginal rejuvenation surgery to the new Hellfire Academy. All I can think when I see this is who the fuck is stupid enough to make Kid Omega in charge of anything? I want to feel sorry for the kid, but he apparently killed a walrus when he sneezed with his new powers. And the animal lover in me just can’t justify that. The location of the Hellfire Academy isn’t clear, but I’m guessing that’s by design. If you’re going to have a school of mutant deviants, then it’s a good idea to hide it. That way you get less bitching from the neighbors.

The first class involves Mystique lecturing on the merits of being a narcissistic douche-bag, but I still can’t pay attention to it. I’m too distracted by her sexy teacher’s outfit. Granted, most everything Mystique wears tends to be pretty sexy. But I haven’t seen her do a sexy teacher look outside of my masturbation fantasies so this is a nice little treat.

But even a sexy outfit isn’t enough to stop Kid Omega from being a total ass. Rather than just quietly admire Mystique’s ass, he points out to her that she hasn’t really accomplished jack shit lately. She has annoyed Wolverine and the X-men, but that’s about it. Hell, he even points out that Wolverine succeeded at killing her at one point. There’s having balls the size of mortar shells and then there’s just being fucking stupid. Mystique basically gave her students permission to rip Kid Omega’s head off and even offered extra credit. You get the sense that this is the kind of school we all believe our childhood bullies attended.

And wouldn’t you know it? Teenagers respond to incentives. But Kid Omega’s balls are still as big as his stupidity. He fights them off and even tries to catch up with Idie, who was the other student from the Jean Grey Institute who defected. Granted, she may be planning a double cross, but she doesn’t care to team up with Kid Omega. And who the hell would want to?

But Idie is a background character it seems. She wants nothing to do with Kid Omega. She’s basically keeping to herself and has the brain damaged Broo as an attack dog. While Kid Omega’s plans are clear, Idie’s aren’t. She doesn’t come off as the master deceiver or skilled tactician. She’s a teenager. She only recently learned how to use tampons. I find her story much more intriguing, but instead we’re stuck with seeing the Hellfire Academy through Kid Omega’s douche-bag perspective.

Like any school, the Hellfire Academy has classes. Unlike other schools, these aren’t the classes you can sleep through or text ex-girlfriends during boring lectures. We’ve got a science lesson with Sauron, (alien) biology with Starblood, hunting with Dog Logan, hellish literature with Master Pandeomnium, public relations with Madame Mondo (basically Mojo with boobs), and study period with Husk who appears to be on her period in the worst possible way. It’s almost quaint at how the Hellfire Academy tweaks the usual school curriculum to turn young mutants evil. And Jason Aaron throws in a touch of juvenile schoolyard humor as well. And believe it or not, it involves more than just fart jokes.

The Hellfire Academy still comes off as the kind of school that will make Mr. Rogers’ head explode. But it’s portrayed as a unique and almost appealing sort of way. Maybe we all have our inner douche-bag that wishes there was a school like this where we could refine our inner bully. It’s not overly serious. There may be some social commentary about how fucked up American schools are. But in the end, it’s just fun.

That is to say it’s fun for everyone except Toad. I don’t want to feel sorry for the guy. He’s a lifelong member of the Brotherhood of Mutants and he has a history of just being a whiney little bitch. But despite getting some sweet loving from Husk, he’s still the fucking janitor. So that means his job at the Hellfire Academy is the same as his job at the Jean Grey Institute. He didn’t upgrade. He didn’t downgrade. He’s got the same exact job. But near as we can tell, he’s still tapping Husk and I think that’s worth it. If every janitorial job came with the promise of pussy on the side, the whole world would be a lot cleaner.

In between this extensive tour of the Hellfire Academy, we briefly visit Wolverine and the staff of the Jean Grey Institute. As you can imagine, losing Idie and Kid Omega to the Hellfire Academy pissed them the fuck off. Wolverine has never been known for dealing with his anger in a healthy way. Neither has Rachel so they make the perfect team to visit a sentinel factory and threaten the workers with torture that would give Dick Cheney a boner. It doesn’t work and we find out that the team has been having similar luck at sentinel factories all over the world. It leads Wolverine to basically say that the Jean Grey Institute has failed.

Melodramatic? Fuck yes. Logical? Fuck no. Wolverine is pissed and the whole team is upset. That’s all I can gather from this. And maybe I’m the only one that remembers, but didn’t Storm and Wolverine swap spit a few issues back? Then we had that shitty Dog Logan arc and now it’s completely forgotten? Is Jason Aaron ever going to revisit that plot? Or are we just supposed to assume that Wolverine and Storm kiss for fun and never do anything after. When in the history of fiction has that ever been a compelling story? It seems like all this did is show how Wolverine is pissed. I know he’s capable of other emotions and this is a missed opportunity.

Back at the Hellfire Academy, we find that they stole more than just students from the Jean Grey Institute. They stole their training regiment. And since this whole school is based around the premise that shit is unfair, they pit the kid with a snot problem against Kid Omega. Aside from spewing snot on Kid Omega’s clothes, he does jack shit. Maybe this is a metaphor for that kid in grade school who always had snot running down his nose, but it’s another touch of Jason Aaron’s quirky humor. It also earns the snot kid a trip to the principal’s office, which in a school like this is an entirely new circle of hell…possibly literally.

Being the arrogant prick who also happens to be a teenager who doesn’t think shit through, Kid Omega decides that if he’s going to do what he need to do he’ll need to get sent to the principal’s office. That means pissing his teachers off enough so that they send him there. In other words, he just continues to be himself for the next few days. It’s probably the easiest mission any X-men has ever had in the history of the universe. It works, but what he finds isn’t exactly another circle of Hell.

It’s the fucking Hellfire brat, Kade Kilgore. Seriously, I thought the whole novelty of having sociopath kids in the Hellfire Club would have been overplayed by now. But we’re still stuck with it and it still is as fucked up as ever. But what isn’t fucked up is Kade’s justification for the school. He sells sentinels because for some reason they let kids be billionaire industrialists in the Marvel universe. And trying a bunch of evil mutants to provoke fear is good for anyone paranoid enough to buy a giant killer robot. I wish I could say this is fucked up, but I get the sense that Montsanto and Exxon would love that sort of business plan and Goldman Sachs would gladly invest in it.

All these revelations are well and good, but Kid Omega is still assuming that he’s deceiving these people. He’s not and they reveal to him that they’ve known about his bullshit from the beginning. It’s not like he’s been subtle about it so that may be the easiest plot uncovered in the history of spying. Somewhere James Bond is rolling his eyes in between orgies. In other words Kid Omega is fucked and the Hellfire Brats intend to do to him what they did to the snot nosed kid. It’s not revealed just what that is, but it apparently turned him from a little snot nosed kid to a hulking snot nosed kid. And if it can do that for him, what kind of shit will it do to Kid Omega? I didn’t think anything could make him more of a douche-bag, but I’ve been wrong before.

Overall, this is a fun book with some shortcomings. These are my obscene thoughts about this issue and I’m not changing them. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Savage Wolverine #6

When I get a new comic, my brain is overloaded and twisted thoughts start oozing out of every orifice. This week Savage Wolverine #6 generated plenty of oozing. These are the thoughts that leaked out, along with various other fluids that may or may not require a doctor.

Whereas Shanna was the bonerific co-star of the first arc, Elektra fills that role in this arc. She’s not wearing a bikini or anything that allows readers to admire her boobs, but like Shanna she’s as tough as She-Hulk’s adamantium dildo. She can break into a highly secure facility being guarded by men with boring ass marital problems and access what should be the corpse of Bullseye. Instead, she gets an empty coffin. I know all too well the dangers of a woman who is denied her prize. Anything with a penis in a mile radius usually has to flee to an underground bunker. For Elektra, I imagine that radius is much wider.

As for the question of where the fuck Bullseyes body is and who besides daring necrophiliacs would want to desecrate it, we find out it has to do with the Kingpin. Now the leader of the Hand, he’s learning the hard way that dealing with an army of ninjas isn’t as awesome as it sounds. Like every evil organization, they have overpaid lawyers to ensure their evil is legally binding. The Hand’s lawyer looks about as intimidating as a baby squirrel, but he talks like he has the balls of Chuck Norris. He tells Fisk that the Hand has invoked some secret ritual of arbitration that will force him to prove his worth. I think that’s just legalese for “We’re going to fuck with you and legally get away with it.” The Kingpin reacts the way only most of us react when we deal with lawyers, by maiming two innocent ninjas. Personally, I would rather have a punching bag.

The Kingpin isn’t the only one with anger issues. Wolverine, at his core, is an angry, ill-mannered, brute with poor impulse control. But we love him anyways and Savage Wolverine is one of the few X-books that highlight these lovable and no-lovable-traits. During a mission with the Avengers, he gets more pissed off than usual and the Avengers have to hold him back. Yeah, it’s one of those things they probably deal with every Monday. Yeah, it’s still entertaining and refreshing. I’ll take this Wolverine over the pansy ass Edward Cullen wannabe we see in the movies any day of the week.

Wolverine’s method of dealing with anger involves beer and not removing a piece of his mask that got burned to his face. Somehow I doubt that’s healthy, but I’m not a therapist. If it works for him, why the fuck not?

What doesn’t work here is Spider-Man. He’s supposed to be an arrogant prick now, not some clumpsy dip-shit who can’t handle a sword and is stupid enough to barge into Wolverine’s room and use them. If it’s Peter Parker, he might as well be a brain damaged version. If he’s Doc Ock in Peter Parker’s body, he’s either bored or has a death wish. It’s not made clear and in a comic about Wolverine, it may be understandable to have inconsistent characterization. But this just comes off as stupid and fucking lazy. I’m not against being lazy, but not when it comes to the comics I pay good money for.

Before Wolverine can get his drink on or beat Spider-Man to a pulp, Elektra shows up. And since she has tits, Wolverine pays attention to her. And unlike the Avengers, she doesn’t give a shit that he’s a killer. Like him, she’s a killer too and the only time she asks for his help is when something or someone needs killing. Again, it’s that refreshing aspect of Wolverine’s persona that is lost whenever some writer tries to make him a pretty boy who thinks with his dick around married red-headed women. He doesn’t even flirt with Elektra. That alone makes this a powerful moment.

Yet once again, it’s ruined by Spider-Man. Here’s a guy who once banged a supermodel in Mary Jane on a regular basis, yet he’s still stammering around Elektra like nerdy fanboy trying to ask Scarlett Johannsen on a date. I get that he’s trying to be the funny guy here. He would have done better if he just stuck to fart jokes.

While there are no romantic undertones, Wolverine does some inner narration just like he did in the first arc. It is not only revealing, but engaging because he points out just how similar he and Elektra are. They’re both killers. They have both been manipulated as killers at some point in their past. They’ve also helped each other on numerous occasions. He even calls her a kindred spirit. But there’s no thought about her ass or how nice her tits would feel with his face buried in them. For a guy who keeps locks of hair from women he tried to bone, that says a lot. Some fans may be whining at the lack of pornographic undertones here. I say fuck those fans. Wolverine doesn’t always need to be trying to bone a woman. He can just be that lovable brute out on a mission that involves killing.

The target of his mission is the Kingpin. He’s one guy who Wolverine can be as mean as he wants to and never feel bad about it. And he’s just sitting in a fucking park in plain sight, ripe for killing. That alone should raise several dozen red flags. But Wolverine isn’t known for analyzing a situation. He leaves that shit to Cyclops or other guys who get all the hot women he can’t. But before he can go in for the kill, Lady Bullseye shows up. Thinking she can handle herself, he goes for the Kingpin. But it’s not that simple. When is it ever? Why can’t fat white guys just die easily?

We get an explanation as to why Kingpin was out in plain sight. It’s not a very good one, but we get it. Elektra didn’t bring Wolverine in to kill him. She brought him in to help him. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. Maybe I should start reading more comics while sober, but until that happens I’m confused. He tells them that until Bullseyes stolen body is destroyed, both him and Elektra work for him. If you’re asking me for an explanation, you might as well ask me for the cure for cancer. Because I don’t have it and I can’t for the life of me surmise a circumstance where Wolverine and Elektra would be okay working for the fucking Kingpin. Maybe I just don’t have enough imagination or need more LSD in my diet. Either way, I’m still confused.

If there is a logical or even semi-logical explanation, we don’t get it in this issue. Instead, we get more evil from the evil lawyer. Using the Hand’s patented and probably copyrighted method of exhuming corpses in ways that even necrophiliacs would find unsettling, the Hand brings in three oddly dressed individuals called the Arbiters. They look like cos-players on crystal meth, but if they’re supposed to be the ones that test the Kingpin’s strength I can understand why he wants someone like Wolverine or Elektra helping him. It’s still sad that this act of mystical bullshit makes more sense than the Kingpin recruiting Elektra and Wolverine.

These are my deranged thoughts about this comic and I’m not apologizing for them. Nuff said!