Scanned Thoughts: Cable and X-Force #11

A flood of new comics came out this past week and I consumed them the same way Charlie Sheen consumes cocaine. Comics may not make your dick shrivel and cause you to wake up naked in a Columbia whore house with a tattoo of a middle finger on your ass, but they can be just as much fun. So when I get fucked up on comics, I write about my fucked upedness here on this blog so that my internal organs have some consolation. What follows are the fucked up thoughts I have about Cable and X-Force #11. My internal organs beg you to read on.

In the previous issue, Domino gave Cable advice straight from an episode of The Office and encouraged him to delegate. He can’t prevent his visions from happening on his own. He has a team. No need to be Bill Lumburg and micromanage. Being X-Force shouldn’t involve TPS reports. Well since Cable was taken prisoner by the Avengers, he has no choice now. So the team has split up so they can prevent Cable’s sinister visions on their own accord. But instead of teaming up with Colossus, who she recently swapped body fluids with in a hotel, Domino teams up with Boom Boom. Granted, I wouldn’t mind seeing them bump uglies in a hotel, but first they have to rescue a mutant in a hospital that goes batshit and kills a bunch of people when his powers manifest. The mutant is drugged out of his mind and out cold so that makes it easier to work with and gives Boom Boom time to bust Domino’s balls about Colossus. It’s a great bit of girl talk, minus the pillow fights and pointless conversations about One Direction.

Domino probably wishes she were working with Colossus for another reason as well. At least with Colossus, she didn’t have to worry about him dealing with the impulses of a rebellious young blond. Hell, she could have used her tits to keep him in line. But that shit won’t work with Boom Boom, who just can’t resist blowing shit up to get the job done. She didn’t have to blow a lot of shit up in order to carjack an ambulance for the mutant they’re rescuing. She did it anyways. She doesn’t need a reason. She’s a cute blond girl in a comic book. She can get away with damn near anything. It pisses Domino the fuck off and probably ruins any chance that they may hump later on, but it’s still more fun than a drunk stripper at a dildo factory.

Cable and X-Force has been a lot of fun lately, except for scenes involving Hope fucking Summers. Yes, that bratty little ripoff character is still breathing. And sadly, she’s still part of this story and stealing ink that could otherwise be used to show Boom Boom blowing shit up. In the previous issue she tracked down Blaquesmith in hopes of locating Cable. He ended up dragging her into another apocalyptic future. I still would prefer more pages of Boom Boom blowing shit up.

I could dedicate 10 posts a week to how much I hate Hope fucking Summers. After the previous issue and many issues before it, she has proven to be an unapologetic little puissant who desperately wants Cable’s approval for damn near everything. She’ll even ditch the X-men and everybody who sacrificed a fuckton to protect her so she could save the mutant race. She has no redeeming qualities, even for a teenage girl. So it is somewhat satisfying to see Blaquesmith pwn her bitchy ass in yet another apocalyptic future. Not sure which future this is, but I’m going to assume Hope fucking Summers had something to do with it because there can be no good future for any Marvel universe as long as her bratty little ass is still alive.

But enough about bitchy rip-off characters. Let’s get back to the real draw of the issue, which is Domino and Boom Boom blowing shit up while saving an unconscious mutant. It’s every bit as awesome as it sounds and couldn’t be more awesome without them doing it naked and covered in bacon grease. As it turns out, blowing up a lot of shit and stealing an ambulance will get the attention of the police. Domino, who usually prefers swift and silent missions, is several levels of pissed off at Boom Boom. She does her best to make up for it by blowing up more shit. It may sound like trying to clean the hood of a car by shitting on it, but it works. It’s just what you would expect from a team of mutant outlaws. And isn’t that what X-Force is supposed to be? I say fuck the hell yes!

They end up ditching the cops and they still have the unconscious mutant safe in their grasp. Nothing can stop them now short of another attack by the Avengers. Hell, after the last issue, that would have been painfully predictable. But this time, something more powerful stops X-Force cold in their tracks. It’s not the Avengers. It’s not Apocalypse. It’s not even the Phoenix Force. It’s fucking traffic.

It sounds painfully trivial for a comic book and it is to some degree. But that’s part of what actually makes it satisfying. We’ve already seen X-Force take on the Avengers and fight mutant creatures from a fast food chain. Why not have them struggle against something much more real? Normal people might not have to deal with the Avengers and mutant monsters at a fast food factory, but they sure as hell have to deal with traffic. Anyone who has tried to do Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving knows that it can stop even the most determined of souls. It’s one of those mundane things we don’t see enough of in comics and that’s what makes it so great to see it here.

What’s even more awesome is how Domino and Boom Boom deal with it. Whereas Domino would assess the situation and come up with a more tactical solution, Boom Boom solves this problem the same way she solves most of her problems that don’t involve finding a bra that fits. She blows it up. She acts on the impulses that can only be appealing when a pretty blond does it and pretends to be some sort of super-villain on the bridge where the backup starts. At first it doesn’t do shit. Then she starts blowing shit up and people get the message and run, hoping that their insurance covers mutant attacks (and it probably won’t).

It has been a while since Boom Boom has been a major player in an X-book. She didn’t contribute much in the previous arc aside from looking hot in a bikini. But as vital as that contribution was, she really hasn’t acted like she’s part of X-Force yet. In this issue, she carries the X-Force mantel with pride and utter recklessness. It’s so beautiful it’ll bring a tear to your eye and a boner to your pants. Boom Boom’s characterization is spot on, making her the perfect foil for Domino’s tactical style. Hell, throw Eddie Murphy into the mix and it would be the perfect plot for a buddy cop movie.

Unfortunately, Boom Boom’s reckless impulses don’t clear the traffic fast enough. Just as Cable’s vision foretold, the unconscious mutant’s powers manifested. And his powers somehow involve turning shit into water, including half a fucking bridge. Depending on where he was in Cable’s vision, that shit would probably maim more than a few people, especially if he happened to be at Sea World or on a cruise. In this instance it leads to him, Domino, and Boom Boom falling right into the East River. I suppose there are worse outcomes, but not many.

This time, Domino’s skill in planning saves the day. She somehow thought wise to both wear a parachute and keep an inflatable raft nearby. Now this comes off as a little contrived. Domino says this was part of her contingency plan and for all we know, she had plenty more. But it still comes off as overly convenient and lacks a sense of struggle that the story could have had. While the mission itself was successful, the way Domino and Boom Boom succeeded left a lot to be desired. But you’ll still probably have a boner.

It’s that unsatisfying resolution that may also remind readers that this issue didn’t address a number of dangling plots from the previous issue. There was no mention of Cable, who the Avengers took into custody. There’s no mention of the other members of X-Force, who may or may not be on similar missions. Granted, it’s probably a bitch trying to squeeze those details in and it would take precious ink away from scenes with Domino and Boom Boom. But it makes the issue feel choppy in terms of the overall arc.

Instead of more information about Cable’s fate and that of his team, we get more Hope fucking Summers. I would almost prefer a kick in the balls at this point. She’s still in the future with Blaquesmith. Not much is explained and not much of it is very interesting either. It’s just Hope fighting what looks like a fucked up version of Warlock. Then for reasons that only a sober mind might understand, some future version of Silver Samurai shows up. It’s really hard to tell where the fuck Blaquesmith is going with this. But I’m pretty sure I don’t give a fuck and it’ll still end with Hope fucking Summers being an even bitter cunt.

This issue had too much Hope fucking Summers, but plenty of beautiful X-women kicking ass and looking damn sexy doing it. So I think it balances out perfectly. We still don’t know what the fuck is up with Cable or what the rest of his team is up to. But the mission of X-Force continued successfully in this issue. It kept with the overall theme of trying to save the world while the Avengers want to royally fuck them up. It’s a beautiful thing and throw in the sexy dynamic between Domino and Boom Boom, it’s downright awesome. That’s what my damaged brain has surmised and I’m not hanging it. Nuff said!