Thursday, October 17, 2013

Scanned Thoughts: Cable and X-Force #15


There are few very simple, common sense ways to deal with whiny, teenage brats. First and foremost, if you give them a reason to act like more of an asshole, they'll use it to create ten more reasons. And from those ten reasons, they'll create ten more. And when a teenager like Hope fucking Summers gets a chance, it's only a matter of time before she gives drunks like me more reasons to hate her. Cable and X-Force has been a solid series, but fuck if it hasn't given Hope fucking Summers more reasons to be a whiny little bitch. Like the banking lobby, she gets her way if she just whines and bitches enough. Now she's back being along Cable's side, basically acting as both a Cable rip-off and a Jean Grey rip-off. It's like taking two massive shits in a well. I'm going to try and not taste it too much as I review Cable and X-Force #15. All I ask is that at some point I'm not given another reason to hate this whiny little bitch that Marvel refuses to throw away.

A fresh new arc seems to be just what Cable and X-Force needs. Now that the Uncanny Avengers are off their tail, they can focus more on being the renegade outlaws that X-Force prides themselves on being. Unfortunately, being renegade outlaws doesn’t coincide with being smart. If it did, then Tiger Woods would’ve signed a pre-nup before he got married. This whole series was triggered by Cable’s premonitions of some really shitty futures that Hank McCoy didn’t cause for once. But those skills and the massive headaches that came with them were stopped at the end of the previous arc.

Not willing to throw away such a useful tool like seeing the future, Forge took it upon himself to try and upload Cable’s visions into his head. That’s like watching someone get explosive diarrhea from eating half a burger containing a bad batch of meat and then finishing the other half. I don’t know why Forge has it going into his head. He must have lost a bet with Dr. Nemesis because there’s no excuse for such voluntary stupidity. It already is showing in his mood. He’s acting like a total dick to Dr. Nemesis and Boom Boom, but I guess that’s a fitting consequence of stupidity.


Forge’s attitude only gives them more reasons to work the kinds out of this whole precognition shit. Seeing the future really won’t do them much good if it means one of them will always be a total asshole. So Dr. Nemesis enlists Boom Boom to help him map Forge’s brain while he’s quarterbacking a couple of ongoing X-Force operations. It adds some more diverse personality beyond Forge being a dick. Boom Boom does more than just play the pretty blond o the team. She has the same lovable attitude that a sober Miley Cyrus has, plus access to Cable’s guns. She basically has the shit that Hope fucking Summers badly needs and Dr. Nemesis takes full advantage of it, knowing that it’s never a good idea to leave an impulsive hot blond alone with big guns for very long.


As for those operations, one is unfolding with Cable and Hope fucking Summers in the Australian outback. The visions they took from Forge revealed that a bunch of Reavers, who are basically douchebag versions of Robocop, have stolen a bunker buster bomb and plan on using it on a bunch of new mutants. And since Hope fucking Summers made it clear to Cable that she’s not going to leave him the fuck alone anymore, he enlists her help to deal with this.

She doesn’t do too much and she really doesn’t have to. The Reavers are about as coordinated as an Irish Pub on St. Patrick’s Day and they barely notice Hope just walking towards the bomb. And since she’s such a bitch, she flat out alerts them to her presence so she can kick their asses. Although in this instance, they fucking deserve it. All she really has to do is coordinate with Forge to shut down the bomb so that it can’t be used. It’s basically the X-Force equivalent of a Sunday picnic.


The other operation, however, is more like a Friday night as a frat party. This one involves Colossus and Domino teaming up in an operation that takes place outside of Bolivar Trask’s old stomping grounds in Colorado. But since X-Force isn’t known for being upstanding heroes, Colossus and Domino take time to ignore Forge’s angry bitching to have a quick fuck in the snow. It’s another nice touch that shows how these are not upstanding superheroes. Captain America would at least have the decency to fuck a beautiful women in a warm hotel room that he paid for.

In addition to showing Forge being an asshole again, it provides some insight into the relationship that’s developing between Colossus and Domino. A few issues ago, they established that their first romp had been about as meaningful as a one-night-stand with Bankok whore. But Colossus convinced Domino that it could be more than that. While he’s still clearly hung over from the Phoenix, he wants something more with her and she decides to take him up on it. And for her that means sex in the snow. I don’t know how much more Colossus was hoping for, but if he asked me for advice, I would tell him to marry her right now.


After finishing their sexy time and listening to Forge bitch, they begin their attack. A bunch of heavily armed guys who aren’t cyborgs seemed to think it was a good idea to break into one of Trask’s old private vaults and kick the tires on an old Sentinel. They might as well have been Yankees fans walking around outside of Fenway Park with a target painted around their balls. Colossus and Domino make quick work of these guys, exercising the kind of methods that would probably give Charles Xavier plenty of headaches. Then Domino scales the Sentinel and places a transmitter on it so Forge can work his magic as he calls it. I don’t know if that would be any less effective than blowing it the fuck up, but I’m guessing the premonitions indicated that this would be too subtle.


It all seems to be going so smoothly. Hell, Domino and Colossus might actually have time for another quicky on Trask’s grave. But then Forge’s dumb-ass decision to download the premonitions into his brain catches up with him. Before he can work his magic or continue being an asshole, he collapses like a guy who just passed out after a few shots of tequila. This is a problem and not just because it means Domino and Colossus won’t have time for another romp in the snow.

As this has been going on, Dr. Nemesis and Boom Boom have been mapping Forge’s brain to better understand the premonitions. Everything seemed to be going smoothly there as well with Boom Boom getting a brief lesson in brain mapping that she’ll probably forget the moment she picks up another one of Cable’s big guns. But during the process, Dr. Nemesis discovers that there’s something very wrong with Forge’s brainy hardware. And by that he means there’s something poking around his brain that’s helping to make him such an asshole. I’m not saying it’s a valid excuse, but it’s no less understandable than a woman blaming her overbearing mother for being such a bitch.


This discovery also coincides with Forge not being able to complete the two ongoing operations. In Australia, Cable and Hope fucking Summers discover that the big fucking bomb they were trying to deactivate is already active. Now it’s doing a 24 style countdown and they have precious little time to get the fuck out of the way. In Colorado, the Sentinel boots up and effectively kills whatever sexy mood there was between Cable and Domino. And just like that, this seemingly routine operation for X-Force goes from a walk in the park on Sunday to a full blown IRS audit on Monday. It fits together in such a beautifully chaotic way that captures the entire personality of X-Force.


And the source of all this unpleasantness for X-Force is apparently some creepy ghost-like creature that manifested inside Forge’s mind. It always has to be something creepy and ghost like when it happens in someone’s head apparently. This may or may not be the source of the headaches. It also may or may not be the reason why Forge was being such an asshole earlier. But it is officially the reason why the two operations are going to hell and now Dr. Nemesis and Boom Boom have to clear it up before they all end up with exceedingly painful headaches. It’s part of the hazard of being X-Force. I contend it’s still not as bad as being hung over after Mardi Gras.


This issue had a diverse range of action and plots that were all entertaining. And while Hope fucking Summers is still a whiny little bitch, she didn’t bring down the whole fucking series for once. This issue basically depicted the kind of shit I expect to see a team of outlaw X-men doing on a weekend. They fight mercenary cyborgs, break up deals involving Sentinels with extreme prejudice, and fuck recklessly in the snow. The only thing that wasn’t all that entertaining was basically recycling the whole killer headache plot. First Cable had to deal with it. Now Forge has to deal with it. I get that every hero, be they upstanding or renegade, have their share of headaches. But one plot involving headaches is more than enough. I get reminded of how much headaches suck with every hangover. Cable and X-Force #15 gets an 8 out of 10. I think that if X-Force is to function properly in the future, they need to either get better drugs or find better ways of coping with stress. After reading this, I’m going to see if sex in the snow can make a good hangover cure. Nuff said!

3 comments:

  1. "Captain America would at least have the decency to fuck a beautiful women in a warm hotel room that he paid for." -----Funny as fuck lol thanks for that!

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    1. You're very welcome! It's amazing the kind of shit you come up with when you're drunk.

      Jack

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  2. Oh, goddammit, it's The Adversary, aka Forge's arch-nemesis, the Native American demon-thingy that was the reason the X-Men went to the Outback in the first place! Because you can't just have Forge be a Native American mutant super-genius. You've also got to give him a magic shaman backplot and a poorly conceived magical arch-nemesis. It's like Danielle Moonstar and that damned Demon Bear that keeps showing up.

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