Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #13

I've always had a strange fascination with twins and not just the kind Hugh Hefner bangs every other Friday. They share so many things in common, but then there are times they go out of their way to be different because for some reason we all feel the need to be more unique than we already are. I usually just drink until that inclination goes away, but the Apocalypse Twins have been taking it fifteen steps further in Uncanny Avengers. They're about to re-enact Genesis in a way that creationists only jerk off to with the entire mutant race and the Uncanny Avengers are supposed to stop them. And I'm sure they're as experienced dealing with crazy twins as I am flying an F-15. What follows is my review of Uncanny Avengers #13 and like me flying an F-15, don't be surprised if someone gets trigger happy.

For a good chunk of Uncanny Avengers, Havok has been a hapless yet lovable douche. He’s the one tasked with trying to lead this team of X-men and Avengers that can’t seem to stop despising each other. And if he were a football team, he would be right there with the Jasonville Jaguars in terms of record. But he’s still fighting and now he has to fight yet another former X-man. At least this one isn’t his brother. It’s an evil version of Banshee. And as he’s fighting him, he also does some interesting musings about how being in the X-men has fucked people up. He’s not wrong either. Then again, how can someone not get fucked up after working with Wolverine, Emma Frost, and Beast for more than a day? This kind of insight is important because without it, Havok would just be throwing punches like a brain dead kangaroo while Banshee taunts him about the X-men’s failures. And in the same way the Jaguars don’t need to lose another starter on offense, Havok doesn’t need more reasons to be a total douche.

He eventually gets some much needed help from Wasp and Captain America. But since Cap’s ears got blown out in the last issue, Wasp does the heavy lifting by actually flying into Banshee’s throat and busting up his vocal chords in a way that most people wish they could do to Justin Bieber. This allows Havok to effectively finish him off. He doesn’t kill Banshee, but for the first time one of the horsemen are subdued. It’s a small victory that won’t improve his record, but it’ll at least make him seem more competent.

But they still have a pretty daunting task ahead of them. After finding out in the previous issue that the Apocalypse Twins are blocking Kang from traveling back in time to give them a badly needed spanking, they’re tasked with destroying the Tachyon Dam as they call it. This would be so daunting if Cap’s lack of hearing didn’t make it so hilarious. While Havok continues to try to assert himself as leader for this daunting mission, Wasp reminds him that she badly wants to jump his bone and even gives him some motivation to survive this. All I can do here is commend Wasp for understanding that pussy is still one of the best motivators to give a man. For that, I say bless her heart.

A mission like this would certainly benefit from having a heavy hitter like Thor. However, Sentry made sure he stayed out of the battle by punching him into another fucking galaxy. That’s as literal and as awesome as it sounds. In fact, Sentry hit Thor so hard that he fractured the surface of an alien planet and caused green lava to spew all over the surface. So despite knowing that his teammates are more overmatched than an ant in a shoe factory, he sticks around to help save the planet. But at the same time, some well-placed inner monologue reminds him that a lot of this was his fucking fault in the first place. He was the one that indirectly gave the Apocalypse Twins the power to kill a Celestial. And he has to deal with the consequences and be an ass about it.

I know it sounds like I’m making a big deal about inner monologue. Perhaps I was spoiled by reading so many X-men comics by Chris Claremont, but I feel as though inner monologue is a lost art in comics. It isn’t used as often as it should, especially in big team books like this one. I find it helps to understand what is going through a characters mind and motivating them. That way I don’t have to make too many assumptions and trust me, I make some pretty fucked up assumptions when I’m stoned.

For some scenes, however, there’s no substitute for refined dialog. There are very few assumptions to make with Wonder Man and the Scarlett Witch at this point. In the previous issue, they both agreed to help the Apocalypse Twins carry out their plan. The Scarlett Witch is ready to pull off another House of M style spell that will transport every mutant on the planet to an arc that would have made Noah himself pissed off with envy. The Apocalypse Twins continue to play nice, but still come off more creepy than a clown outside a preschool at two in the morning. They make it clear that they don’t just want to transport every mutant on the planet to their arc. They want them to be transported in a way that they’ll be nice and docile, like a dog that has been given a good helping of drugs before being put in a cage for a long flight. So I guess they’re not as nice as they should be, but Wonder Man and the Scarlett Witch still go along with it. I guess they figure it’s more efficient than anything Havok could organize, which isn’t saying much to begin with.

The Apocalypse Twins are much less accommodating to Wolverine, who has been at the mercy of Daken, the son he fucking murdered. For the past couple issues, he has been tied up in ways that even 50 Shades of Grey fans would find disturbing and been subjected to Daken’s most violent outbursts. For a kid who has so many daddy issues and seems very confused sexually, I imagine it’s more therapeutic than a 100 trips to a spa at the Four Seasons.

But Daken doesn’t just beat the shit out of Wolverine. He and the Apocalypse Twins reveal that they’re going to use him to turn the entire human race against mutants. Daken reveals that Sabretooth actually recorded them when Wolverine killed him. And like a sex tape with the Kardashians, it will create a PR shit storm that will make every mutant look worse than Tim Tebow at a Satanic orgy. This along with the Red Skull’s pending attack will create those mutant internment camps that were already shown in a previous issue. It’s a beautifully organized convergence of detail that also pwns Wolverine in a way that even Cyclops never could.

And the Apocalypse Twins aren’t content with telling Wolverine how his past misdeeds are going to screw the entire mutant race over. Like a classic James Bond villain, they reveal their plan to him about the Scarlett Witch. They even offer a glimpse of how she’ll be the savior of the mutant race while he’ll basically be the mutant equivalent of Hitler. Daken will even take over his school because beating him to a pulp isn’t a big enough “fuck you” for him. But beyond being a brilliant act of pwnage, it also nicely conveys the consequences Wolverine is facing for the shit he did with X-Force. Even though Charles Xavier helped him become a better man, he never stopped killing and this is what happens because of it. That shit is beyond pwnage. That’s downright cruel in the most effective way possible.

Time is running out for Wolverine and the rest of the team. Havok, Wasp, and Captain America are still trying to destroy the Tachyon Dam, encountering plenty of resistance along the way. There’s also some nice inner monologue with Wasp, who continues to be soft on Havok while not being entirely sold on the idea of trusting Immortus or Kang. But at this point, they would probably trust Dick Cheney for help. They seem to be doing okay for themselves at first. Then Wasp encounters Sentry and the fight suddenly becomes more unbalanced than Miley Cyrus on a cocaine binge.

But in addition to encountering obscenely strong obstacles, Havok and Captain America also come to a potentially important realization. Granted, it’s muddled by Cap’s continued hearing problems. It adds a nice bit of humor into a deathly serious situation, which goes well with the right strain of weed. More importantly, they recalled what Immortus said about being divided. And since the Uncanny Avengers began, they’ve been nothing but divided. Havok and Cap now believe that he wasn’t just referring to them either. If they’re to have any hope of a fair fight against the Apocalypse Twins, they need unity on a much bigger level. What could that mean? Again, the right strain of weed will lead to all sorts of crazy theories.

However, Cap and Havok aren’t the only one who have come to this realization. Wonder Man and the Scarlett Witch, despite being more comfortable than anyone else on their team, also figure out that just playing into the hands of the Apocalypse Twins is about as smart as trusting a Nigerian Prince with their banking information. The Apocalypse Twins may be good hosts, but they don’t trust them any more than they would want to fuck them. So the Scarlett Witch reveals that she doesn’t plan to cast the spell the way they want it. She intends to cast a spell that will bring the mutants to their ark, but not subdue them. Basically, the Apocalypse Twins will have an entire race of pissed off mutants staring them down. It’s as fair a fight as it’s going to get against a couple of brats that killed a Celestial.

And since they know the Apocalypse Twins are probably watching them, they hide their intentions in the most logical way possible. They have sex. It’s much less vague than Wasp’s innuendo towards Havok and much easier to jerk off to. They probably assume that the Apocalypse Twins will be too turned on to be suspicious and I can honestly find no flaws in their logic. Now it may or may not have major implications for the relationship between Wonder Man and the Scarlett Witch. This could just be one of those romps for the sake of romping. Or it could lead to something more. The possibilities are as vast as they are sexy.

The only possible way this brilliant yet sexy plan of theirs could fail is through a bad mistake coupled by a horrendous misunderstanding. And just such a clusterfuck is in the process because Rogue and Sunfire manage to catch up with thoroughly beaten and thoroughly pwned Wolverine. He’s already broken, admitting that he’s just a killer and an asshole. But he also knows what the Apocalypse Twins are planning. And he has no idea that the Scarlett Witch is going to screw the Twins over. So once Rogue and Sunfire figure this out, they take it upon themselves to hunt down the Scarlett Witch and gut her before she can finish her spell. It’s the kind of fuck-up that can only happen in a team as dysfunctional as the Uncanny Avengers. It’s also the kind of beautifully refined plot that helps bring the story together in a concise, compelling way. It couldn’t be more beautiful if it was tattooed on Emma Frost’s breasts.

So much of the appeal of Uncanny Avengers has been built around their inability to get along. It perfectly articulates the reasons why something as logical as an X-men/Avengers team-up didn’t happen sooner. They function so differently and have such different philosophies that it’s only a matter of time before they start trying to kill each other. Well now they have a plan to save the world, but they have to do it before they kill each other. Uncanny Avengers #13 was brilliant in putting all the pieces in place. And it looks like the bickering within the team could end up destroying the world before the Apocalypse Twins can succeed. The rich details, intense action, and sexual innuendo make this an epic convergence of everything that makes a comic awesome. Were it not for shitty transitions, it would be perfect. Overall, I give Uncanny Avengers #13 a 9 out of 10. It’s funny, sexy, emotional, intelligent, and refined. If it were a man, every woman on the planet would want to fuck and marry it on the spot. Nuff said!