We all learn as kids that our actions have consequences. Some of those kids learn that lesson well and grow up to be functioning adults that contribute nicely to society. Some of those kids fail to learn that lesson and grow up to be regulars on Cops, Jerry Springer, or reality TV shows. A good portion of those that fail also become drunks and stoners. At least these failures have an excuse. It's hard to remember the consequences of our actions when we're in the middle of a bar fight or looking desperately for another box of pop tarts. But for people who are supposed to be brilliant as fuck, they have no excuse and deserve even less sympathy than the most miserable drunk.
This brings me to Hank fucking McCoy. I've made demeaning his hairy ass only my third most unhealthy habit. Some of my best rants on this blog involve how Beast has become to X-men what Justin Bieber has become to music. And I stand by all those rants. Going all the way back to Matt Fraction's run on Uncanny X-men, Beast has given readers no reasons whatsoever for sympathy. He doesn't lead. He doesn't bring any new ideas to the table. All he does is fucking bitch and moan about how Cyclops crossed too many lines while doing absolutely jack shit to give him an alternative. He's basically like a who who drives around, stops at horrific car wrecks, and yells at the drivers for horribly wounding themselves without giving them any possible means of making their situation better. If a guy like this existed in real life, he would be dead in a month.
But it was Beast's douche-baggery in the pages of All New X-men that made him an all star. It's not enough that he has to shit all over the timeline after the events of Age of Ultron make that sort of shit taboo. But he had to flat out lie to the O5 X-men, which includes himself no less, about why they need to come to the future. He told them a mutant genocide was imminent. Well not only was he eventually proven to be full of shit, but the O5 ended up ditching the Jean Grey Institute and joining the very team he said would commit the genocide. That's right up there the Catwoman movie in terms of epic fails. But has anyone really chewed his ass out for this shit? Hell no.
Well that might change in the giant-sized issue of All New X-men #25. Marvel has been billing this issue as more important than a tax return and a kidney transplant. It's supposed to mark a huge turning point in the story of the O5. That turning point already seemed to transpire with The Trial of Jean Grey. O5 Jean Grey herself said that this future is "all new." Well what the fuck does that mean for the timeline as a whole? Well it looks like Beast may finally have to confront the consequences of his bullshit according to CBR's lettered preview of All New X-men #25. I just say it's way too fucking late.
• OVER-SIZED 25th ISSUE!
• Artist Stuart Immonen is joined by a practical comic book artist hall of fame for this special landmark issue!
I really don't want to get my hopes up. Years of shitty X-men movies have taught me to know better. But unless I'm stoned out of my mind, it looks like someone is lecturing Beast on the bullshit assumptions he made when he decided to bring the O5 to the present. It also looks like we may get some insight into the possible timelines that have or might have transpired because of his actions. Adding in all these timelines is sure to make for some convoluted shit, but I think it'll help if the issue is giant sized. It's like the layers of a cake. It's hard to taste every one of them if they're not sufficiently thick.
And if I am willing to get my hopes up, I really would like to see at least a partial explanation as to why the O5 X-men can't go back to the past. That shit still hasn't been explained and X-men Battle of the Atom ended months ago. I admit some shit just slips my mind, be it a court date or my girlfriend's birthday. But some shit just cannot and should not be glossed over. It's like leaving a bullet wound untreated. Unless Chuck Norris is involved, it can only make things worse.
But again, that might be asking for too much. I still refuse to get my hopes up. I refuse to assume I know what to expect with this game-changing, ball-busting, giant sized issue of All New X-men. But so far, All New X-men has delivered the kind of consistent awesome that I look forward to almost as much as a trip to a Tijuana whore house. For something this big, I'm going to allow myself to get a little excited, at least until I get a new batch of weed. This comic will be worth the higher price if at some point Beast finally owns up to his bullshit. I'm not going to expect it. But if his furry ass is sore by the end of this, then I shall gladly deem this overpriced stack of pages awesome. Nuff said!