Thor Movie Review - Awesome Worthy of Gods

The summer of 2011 has arrived and you know what that means! The women start wearing less, men start to stink more, and Hollywood unleashes an all our barrage of their biggest films. It's the time of year where all the big studios are like crack whore going through relapse and the only way to survive is to try and bilk movie-goers of every possible red scent. It's a time when us mindless consumers of pop culture enjoy an abundance of action, drama, boobs, explosions, bloodshed, monsters, comedy, and gimmicks and that's just from Adam Sandler movies. To kick things off this summer, Marvel kicks things off with a wad of C4 to ass with Thor. Since Marvel actually started making their own shit under Marvel Studios and not licensing it to asshole third parties like Fox, they've been hitting grand slams that have left comic fans more satisfied than a hippie at a hemp factory.

Last Summer they had Iron Man II. This movie took the star power of Robert Downy Jr., Mickey Rourke, and Scarlett Johannsen to deliver a satisfying if not somewhat predictable thriller. The predictability and gimmick aspects were countered by the overlying continuity the Marvel movies have established. That's what has set them apart from the other superhero movies of the past. These stories are all tied together and will culminate in a cocaine fueled gangbang of awesome, otherwise known as the Avengers movie. Thor is just the next step and it's a big step towards kicking more ass.

Like the Iron Man and Incredible Hulk movies before it, the Thor movie is set up so that the audience doesn't have to know dick about the comics in order to understand what's going on. It takes a similar formula from Iron Man II in that it uses some big name actors like Anthony Hopkins as Odin and Natalie Portman as Jane Foster. Because Hollywood has since realized that any movie with Natalie Portman is sure to attract any young man with a functional penis. There's even something for the Twilight crowd in Chris Helmsworth, who has a tendency to walk around with his shirt off. There are some scenes where all the Bella Swan wannabes out there will need to change their panties. But between the bonerific actresses and studly men, there is a story to be told.

The Thor movie does have the expected and somewhat eye-rolling origins angle. But you can't really roll your eyes this time because the visuals of Asgard, Earth, and all the vivid scenery that were once only depicted in comic books flashes across the screen (and in 3D if you're not a cheap bastard). It's far more stunning than anything in Iron Man or Hulk. The architecture of Asgard and the realm of the Frost Giants is so wonderfully rendered it feels like a comic book pumped with whatever shit Barry Bonds was on.

If you're able to stop drooling over the visuals, the story hits the ground running by showing what an arrogant daddy's boy Thor is. He's not unlike Tony Stark in the first Iron Man movie, over-privileged and an overbearing dick. On the day he's supposed to be crowned king, a couple of sneaky Frost Giants manage to infiltrate the palace. Thor, pissed off that his coronation has been delayed, wants to silence the Frost Giants once and for all even if it means breaking that treaty that Odin lost his damn eye to forge. He manages to convince Volstagg, Hogun, Fandrall, Sif, and Loki to join him on a Bruce Willis style mission. To say it screwed the pooch would be like saying Word War II was a pillow fight. It leads to an action-packed fight, but Odin has to be the one to step in and he's understandably pissed.

As a result of his pig-headedness and douche-baggery, Odin strips Thor of his godly powers and casts him down to Earth. He also casts down his hammer, Mjolnir, but makes sure that nobody can lift it unless they are worthy. And for breaking a treaty, disobeying his father, and being a self-important jackass it's pretty obvious even to an inanimate object that Thor isn't worthy.

From here, Thor crosses paths with Jane Foster. In this movie she's an astrophysicists as opposed to an EMT in the comics. Now this seems a little off because I've met astrophysicists before. I've yet to meet any of them who looked anything close to Natalie Portman. I understand that this is a movie, but even the guys at Marvel probably understand that it's hard to make an astrophysicists super-hot without triggering a few bullshit detectors. But she's Natalie Portman. She won a fucking Oscar for crying out loud. She still fills the role, albeit in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way.

Foster and Thor hit it off immediately. However, Thor goes through some growing pains in terms of being a mortal. He seems to believe that all he has to do is go find his hammer and he can go home. He's willing to blow through SHIELD, giving our old friend Agent Colson from Iron Man I and II a few headaches. We even get to see Hawkeye for the first time. Granted, he's not given much facetime. This is Thor's movie after all, but it's nice to see a few other Avengers that Joss Whedon will put his golden touch on when the time comes. Even with his trusty bow and arrow, Thor still makes it to his hammer only to find out that he can't life it. He's not worthy yet. It's a very humbling experience and one that leaves him more frustrated than all the X-men fans who saw X3.

While Thor is being humbled, we also get another story surrounding Loki. There's a reason he's the God of Mischief. He's the kind of guy who will fuck with you in no fewer than ten different ways and even when it's painfully obvious that he's full of shit, he'll find ten more ways to keep the mischief going. That's what makes him a god. Without getting into too many details, his mischief is tied into every major mishap within this movie. However, what's really remarkable about it is Loki doesn't come off as a completely manipulative douche-bag. What he did was a simple trick that turned into something that even he didn't expect. When a few painful secrets come to light, you almost feel for the guy. It doesn't make trying to crown himself the new All-Father any less a dick move, but everything he does has a purpose behind it and it's not just to blow shit up (although that is a big part of it towards the end).

Loki's mischief eventually leads to an epic confrontation with Thor that goes from the deserts of New Mexico to the rainbow bridge of Asgard. There's action and heart every step of the way. Jane Foster, who seems so utterly obsessed with crunching the numbers when she isn't hitting Thor with her car, learns that there's some magic to the universe. It can't all have fancy names that guys like Albert Einstein can rub in everyone's face. There's something deeper and some of that extends to her attraction to Thor. And let's face it, the guy is a heavily muscled god. Any woman with a partial interest in men would find that attractive to the point of needing to change her panties again.

Overall, it's the most satisfying Thor experience you can get without having Odin himself cram it in your head. There's a perfect balance of the fantasy world of Asgard and the real yet less awe-inspiring world of Earth. You've got it all. Hot women, hot men, action, drama, romance, magic, technology, killer robots, plot twists, and mystery. If that's not enough for you, then you're just being an ass. It's a superhero movie. Don't expect it to read like some artsy foreign film. It's over-the-top, yet wonderfully balanced fun. Plus, it's in 3D! There really is something for everyone to enjoy. You couldn't ask for more if it came with a free joint with every ticket.

Oh, and you'll definitely want to stay till after the credits! Just like with Iron Man I and II, there's an extra scene featuring our old friend Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury. It's yet another link to the upcoming Avengers movie that is poised to blow the minds of the next ten generations of comic fans. This comes in addition to the other hints that will likely come with the Captain America movie, which is set to come out later this summer.

Even as the first big blockbuster of the summer, Thor sets the bar ridiculously high. It does so much and does it so well that it's hard to imagine another movie short of Avengers ever topping it. I can safely say without a speck of bullshit that Thor is the best movie that Marvel has ever made. It's better than Iron Man or Hulk. I would put it right up there with the Spider-Man and Batman movies s well. Thor may not be a superhero that shows up on lunch boxes and T-shirts the same way as Spider-Man, Hulk, or Wolverine. But this movie demonstrates why he's one of Marvel's heaviest hitters both literally, figuratively, and everything in between. That's why I give it a perfect 5 out of 5. If you are a comic fan of any type or just a fan of big blockbuster movies, you should get off your ass and see this movie! Nuff said.

Uncanny X-men #536 - Drunk on Awesome

So it's the week of the Thor movie premier and I'm planning to get so shit-faced on the sweet alcohol of awesome that I will likely wake up naked at the foot of Charlie Sheen's bed or in a gutter outside Tijuana with a note pinned to my balls. It's been a hectic week and I've had more than my share of personal issues. Let's just say my skewed view on comics is only the 283th thing wrong with me. As a result I wasn't able to review Uncanny X-men #536 last week. Cut me some slack. I was practicing my hangover recovery strategy. But after Kieron Gillen's solid showing in Uncanny X-men #535 I had every intention of giving a thorough assessment of this book. Since Mr. Gillen has been such a generous sport, I'm not going to review this issue while drunk! I may be a little stoned, but two out of three ain't bad.

Kieron Gillen began his run by revisiting one of the seminal stories from another run. You may have heard of it. It's by the guy who's now directing the Avengers movie, aka the role most fanboys masturbate to in addition to pictures of Emma Frost and Jean Grey going down on each other. His name escapes me. But all you need to know is the story was pretty damn awesome and was left open ended. That story involved the aliens of Breakworld, a planet where war and violence are activities at summer camp. In the last issue they arrived at Earth, prompting Abigail Brand of SWORD to call the X-men for help. They infiltrated their approaching ship and met up with Kruun, the grand poobah of Breakworld's blood-loving brethren. But to everyone's surprise, they didn't come to Earth in hopes of finishing what that giant bullet was supposed to do. They came seeking refuge, which left many including the reader more confused than Paris Hilton in a quantum physics lecture.

Uncanny X-men #536 begins with Kruun explaining himself. His ship has docked with SWORD and he's sitting at a table with Brand and the X-men. He doesn't demand they play an alien version of Russian Roulette. He doesn't even ask Colossus to arm wrestle him for the right to see Kitty Pryde naked. He just talks, expressing his disdain for diplomats and describing how Breakworld has devolved into a series of slapfights. There's no grand megawar that they can all jerk off to. It's just a bunch of whiny guys bitching about someone having a bigger dick than them. Apparently that wasn't to Kruun's liking so he fled and now wants to set up shop on Earth. Cyclops, unable to resist that puppy dog look from a blood-thirsty alien, agrees to help while Brand agrees to do the paperwork. I can just see how Republicans would spin this comic as a protest against illegal immigration.

This goes over about as smoothly as a date with Rick James. The X-men don't just agree to help. They agree to let Krunn and his cronies stay on Utopia, all without consulting the mutants who live there no less. You wonder how they feel about a race of aliens that shot a giant bullet at them might feel about this. Then again, Cyclops points out correctly that they were responsible for what happened to Breakworld. Kruun left his planet because of what they did. So they're responsible whether they like it or not. It results in turning Utopia into an Early version of Mos Eisley's from Star Wars.

It's especially disconcerting for Colossus, who was for a time labeled the anti-god for Breakworld. So he takes a stroll with Kitty, who is still wearing that stupid space suit. Being the nice guy that he is, Colossus actually shows some sympathy for these aliens that took his girlfriend away from him. That alone makes him more forgiving than Jesus on Vicodin. Kitty shows no hard feelings about being trapped in a bullet as well. Together they go out of their way to learn more about the aliens that so fucked them up. It's either exceedingly badass or stupid, but Colossus isn't waving his dick in their face so it's nothing if not heroic.

They talk to a number of Breakworld aliens. They all have their story to tell. Gillen does a good job here showing that they really aren't human. They think in terms of beating the shit out of one another. The whole concept of mercy to them is like the concept of sobriety is to an alcoholic. It just doesn't compute. It's a nice insight at a situation when it would be so easy to start blowing shit up. I admire the restraint because I can see so many other writers turning this into mutants vs. aliens round 293852.

For a moment, it looks as though Kitty and Colossus are making some friends. Then Kruun has to be a massive tool and basically put a clamp on any potential for peace between Breakworld and the mutants that got the better of them. He basically whines how his people are so pathetic, running from their homeworld and seeking refuge with the very people that fucked him over. In a ways he has a point. It's still no excuse for being a douche-bag.

There's an interesting exchange here where Kruun describes how he brought Colossus back to life. A planet like Breakworld isn't exactly on the cutting edge of resurrection science. They don't do the whole life-saving shit. They sacrifice people to bring them back and that's what happened with Colossus. It's an unusual perspective, his life being the result of a sacrifice from five slaves. Because of that, Kruun looks down on Colossus. He lost his damn arm and he still thinks Colossus bears more shame. He pities the man so much that when someone from Breakworld finally tries to get back at him for fucking up their already fucked up lives, Kruun stops him.

It's a provocative moment. Not quite as provocative as Joss Whedon's foot fetish in his movies, but right up there. The Breakworld aliens may be brutal, but they do have their own sense of culture. That culture emphasizes shame, not unlike cultures in the real world that think burning incense around the bodies of prostitutes will absolve them of their shame. Kruun has more reason than anyone to stick a blade between Colossus's eyes, but he won't do it in a shameful way. He may be a douche, but he's an honorable douche. I'll give him that.

While he's scorning his people and himself for being so dishonorable, he's confronted by Magneto. Anyone who read Kieron Gillen's Uncanny X-men #534.1 remembers that he's had a major boner for the metal that made up the bullet that Breakworld fired at them. Being the inquisitive sociopath he's always been, he asks Kruun to explain it. Kruun isn't a scientist, but he's got a lot of free time on his hands and since Breakworlders don't appear to jerk off too often he humors the man.

It's a meeting of sociopathic minds. There's another interesting play on Breakworld culture here. They don't have much use for words like technology or magic when describing what their metal can do. They use the same word they've always used. They think of it as a weapon, one they use to train themselves in the art of brutalizing their enemies. Magneto wants to learn more. Kruun says he needs more metal to show him. Magneto, never missing an opportunity to help a fellow sociopath, asks for a half hour. This leaves Kruun alone in the lab with nothing to do. That's like leaving Keith Richards in a room with a mountain of cocaine. You're just asking for trouble.

It shouldn't come to anyone's surprise that Kruun uses this window to show that he's the bigger douche. Magneto has gone soft. His curiosity leads Kruun to take out Madison Jefferies and have a little fun with the whole mutant cure serum that happens to be lying around. You get the sense here that Gillen had to do a great many favors for Joss Whedon. Some of them may involve acts that aren't legal in certain states, but for a story that carries on his Astonishing legacy I would say it's worth it.

Kruun shows that his world may have gotten old broadcasts of McGuiver. He takes the samples of the cure and fashions them into poison darts, the likes of which Bear Grylls would be proud of. So when Magneto returns 28 minutes later, Kruun definitively proves that his sociopathic dick is way bigger. He effectively de-powers Magneto. Now it's doubtful whether it's permanent or not, but he renders the man as impotent as Elton John at a Hustler club. You would think Magneto would be smarter, but the guy is just not as crazy smart as he used to be. He's just half-crazy and half-smart, which for Kruun isn't nearly crazy enough.

Magneto doesn't put up much of a fight without his powers. Kruun, being the guy from the race of brutal warriors, ties him up and throws him in a closet with Madison Jefferies. This could make for a great gay joke, but Kruun demonstrates more of his unique insight. Everything to him is a weapon. It's a weapon necessary for him to get what he wants, which is revenge against the guy who fucked up his world. Armed with the metal Magneto so generously gathered for him, he's prepared to go after Colossus and avenge his people. It's almost Shakespearean, but Shakespeare never used kick-ass aliens. It sets the stage for a major clash in the next issue. The one-armed alien psychopath against the metal-skinned Russian, it's a fight so laced with awesome that you could put on on pay-per-view!

There's a lot to like about this issue. Kieron Gillen continues to take Uncanny down paths Matt Fraction never attempted, perhaps because it did too little to make Cyclops and Emma Frost more awesome. With this arc, he's giving other characters a chance to really shine. Colossus and Kitty were the diplomatic ones in this issue, not Cyclops and Emma Frost. There was also a continuation of the story surrounding Magneto's fascination with the Breakworld metal. It's an example of the dreaded C-word, continuity. Gillen has been using it wisely since he took over. From this side-story with Magneto, the story with Kruun and Breakworld takes a new and exciting twist. It comes together so perfectly that you almost want to toast it with a shot of gin. Then again, I toast damn near everything with a shot of gin so that may not be saying much.

If there's any shortcoming to this issue, it's that the action was somewhat sporadic. There were only a few minor fights, but they weren't insignificant. They all had a purpose for the story. Not every fight has to involve a planet-busting brawl. Kieron Gillen chose to keep the scale small, at least for this issue. It helped add depth to Kruun and the aliens of Breakworld, which is something you don't see enough of in comics. Usually the aliens are just Independence Day style psycho-killers that would grind our bones and snort them. It's nice to see some aliens with a little personality, deranged it may be. While the scale was acceptable, the transitions were a bit shaky at the beginning and the pacing of the story felt a little sporadic. But it's not nearly enough to take away from the quality of the book.

Kieron Gillen's Uncanny X-men run continues it's good start. This issue is solid all around. It takes the events of the previous issue and develops them in a way that doesn't feel rushed while not feeling too boring either. The pacing may be a little spotty, but it's still a satisfying story in the end. It sets the stage for what could certainly be a very brutal ending. So overall, I give Uncanny X-men #536 a 4.5 out of 5. Gillen has done a great deal to keep Uncanny X-men in the same league as books like Uncanny X-Force. With Fear Itself looming, he has his work cut out for him. For now, he's handling it with the same skill that Kruun handles his weapons. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue 32: Sinister Intent Part 1 is LIVE!

It's finally here! The story I've been building towards with X-men Supreme begins today! This fanfiction series has taken a number of twists and turn throughout Volume 2: War Powers. The last issue, Memory Musings, was a brief insight into the history of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. That trip wasn't just for nostalgia. As I stated clearly in one of my writing commandments, the past is the key to the present. What happened in the past is a big part of what will happen in this new arc. The X-men Supreme fanfiction is entering a new stage of it's development and from here, a new wave of possibiliites will unfold! So without further delay, I give all you X-men fans out there the first issue of Sinister Intent.

Issue 32: Sinister Intent Part 1

Now why am I making a big deal out of this arc? Well I can't say too much without spoiling some major stories. I can say that this arc will lay the foundation for a story that will have major ramifications in this volume and future volumes of X-men Supreme. It brings in some new characters while taking established characters to new depths. Part of the goal for this fanfiction series was to tell stories around these characters that fans can embrace. I've had 32 issues and some spin-offs to develop these famous characters. There's so much more I want to do with X-men Supreme and this arc is a major stepping stone.

The X-men Supreme fanfiction series is entering a new level of action. As such, it's very important that I get feedback for these issues. I know I've always asked for it at the end of each update, but this is a very important arc. I need to know that I'm doing it right! Please feel free to contact me at any time or post comments directly on the issue. I'm always up for talking X-men! This site has so much more room to grow and I look forward to developing it. Thanks to all those who have supported me thus far! I hope I continue to have your support as this fanfiction series continues to grow. Until next time, take care and best wishes!

Jack

X-23 #9 - Picking Up The (Awesome) Slack

In my time as a comic book connoisseur and misanthropic drunk I've learned one important life lesson. One awesome comic can overshadow three lousy comics. It's a given that a good deal of the books on the racks are complete and utter crap. It's those select few that make comics a worthwhile outlet, a vice almost in the same league as hookers and blow. I bring this up because the long-awaited arc that pits X-23 against Daken started so strong and then faltered. X-23 #8 was an awesome book, so much so that my mouth went dry from drooling over the awesome. Then Daken #8 came along and while it wasn't terrible, it was so mediocre compared to X-23 #8 that it felt like pepper sprayed right after getting a great blow-job. The momentum faltered more than Sarah Palin at a spelling bee, but it didn't stop completely. The arc still have two more parts left and I'm more than willing to see this arc by Marjorie Liu and Daniel Way to the end.

What made the last issue so underwhelming was how confusing it was. The scenes jumped around, losing all sense of pacing and flow. It was hard to tell just what the hell was going on at times. One moment Daken and X-23 are in the same scene. The next he's talking with Tyger. Then they find the mysterious Malcolm Concord who seems intent on bringing back Weapon X. Somehow Daken led X-23 to him and it's not even clear whether it was part of a plan or just dumb luck. It doesn't matter how awesome the premise of a book is or how great the art is. If you need a fucking diagram to map out what's going on and still have trouble figuring it out, it's a lot harder to enjoy. It's like a beautiful hooker who won't shut the hell up about the last episode of the Jersey Shore when you're trying to enjoy a good fuck. The only part of that issue that's really important to remember is that in the end, Concord got the better of X-23. He drugged her and Gambit. Then he threw X-23 in the trunk and Daken was probably jerking off in excitement as douche-bags are so prone to do.

X-23 #9 has a much clearer transition to begin with. X-23 is in a special cell that's about as spacious as a Japanese subway at rush hour. Concord is there taunting her, which is understandable. X-23 did rip his fucking finger nails out in the last issue. You would almost expect the guy to put her in an oven. But he's nothing if not a pragmatist. He makes it clear to X-23 that despite the torture, he's going to get what he wants from her. Usually when a scary man says that to a teenage girl, it's leads to the kind of stories that Fox News would jump all over. This one is ten times worse than that and anybody who has read X-23's mini (which you should totally get if you haven't) has an idea of what she's in for.

While X-23 is about to get a little R&R in Hell, Gambit wakes up in the comfortable dwelling of a beautiful woman. Concord wasn't interested in snot-nosed Cajuns it seems. That or he has a daughter that he would rather not see bent over a blackjack table screaming how she hit the jackpot. He finds out from Tyger that X-23 is gone and Daken screwed them over, as if that should come as a shock to anyone. They share a nice moment, but there really doesn't seem to be much purpose to this scene other than Gambit finding out he's failed X-23 again. He ties to keep her out of trouble, but like half the teenage girls from my high school graduating class trouble is more drawn to teenage girls than R. Kelly on Jerry Springer.

That's the last anyone will see of Gambit in this issue. Everything else is about X-23 and Daken, as well it should be. Daken still shows that he's in the major league of douche-bags when he has a meeting with Concord. He allowed him to capture X-23. Now he's interested in what he's going to do with her, presumably so he can laugh his ass off in between banging hookers. Concord mentions something that X-23 fans should remember from her mini (again, get that book if you haven't already), the trigger scent. This scent is something that was developed by X-23's creators so that when she sniffs it, she goes into a homicidal rage that's almost unstoppable. It's like Pacman Jones at a strip club.

It's the perfect weapon, yet he claims to have no interest in testing on her (yet). Daken doesn't seem too thrilled about the idea of Weapon X starting up again, but what he expect him do to by helping him capture X-23? Force her to work in a sweatshop wearing lingerie? That might make too much sense in this context, disturbing it may be.

This conversation of the trigger scent leads directly to a scene right out of Miami Vice. A goofy looking guy on the dock is selling some very illegal shit to an attractive woman in a cloak. The product isn't your typical brick of Columbia imported blow or pictures of Paris Hilton going down on a goat. It's the trigger scent. That's right, one scene leads to a clear transition of another. It's what the last issue lacked and it makes this issue feel a lot more coherent. I know it's one of those little things, but when you're reading a comic book it's a big fucking deal. It's not clear who the woman is. It could be X-23 or someone else. But right now, the trigger scent is in play at that always fucks X-23 up more than a night of binge drinking with Jack Nickelson.

We go back to our trip into hell. Laura now finds herself in a twisted cross between the last Saw movie and an episode of House. It's a scene she's been in before, bound and surrounded by crazy doctors who likely lost their medical licenses doing lousy boob jobs. She's strapped to the world's worst massage chair and then the doctors prepare to use a fucking chainsaw to cut her open. There are very few things comic fans can agree on, but most will concede that using a chainsaw is pretty fucking awesome. Daken watches over briefly. He has a few cryptic words, but he doesn't stick around. You would think he would record this so he can jerk off to it later, but this is Daken. He's more unpredictable than the John Goodman's eating habits.

It's a gruesome moment. One that can only be appropriate in an X-23 comic. There's actually a "SPLERCH" sound effect to describe the noise the chainsaw makes when it cuts into her. It's a noise that you hear in your mind and can never unhear.X-23 describes the moment in a nice monologue. Whereas a less ballsy teenage girl would be whining for their mommies and daddies, she takes it the same way most people deal with a mosquito bite.

As brutal as this scene is, it's only a prelude. You can't expect Laura to just lie there and take it like Mike Tyson's old prison bitch. Like Wolverine, she fights back. She breaks free. Now it's not entirely clear how this happens, but Daken's earlier words seem to hint that he helped her. It's a very non-dick move from a guy that makes an Olympic sport out of them. Whatever the reason, X-23 goes off on these pissant excuse for doctors and it's such a satisfying scene that you only throw up a little.

After the blood stops staining everything in the room, Laura meets up with Daken. He confirms that he helped free her. So first he helped Concord capture her. Then he helped free her. Either this guy has a split personality or he's just so bored that he can't stop fucking with people in more than one way. X-23 understandably slugs him one. It seems like a good time for the X-23/Daken battle to resume, but then he reveals that he has a file that she would have had to kill a lot more people to get her hands on. It's a file covering everything about the facility that made her. Yet somehow Daken just leaves it for her to look at. He doesn't consider it betraying. He calls it "borrowing your presence." Not sure what that entails, but it still sounds like a dick move.

This file prevents X-23 from tearing into Daken for the moment. Daken claims he didn't know Concord was starting another Weapon X, but seriously what else could he have wanted a clone of Wolverine for? Being a douche-bag doesn't mean he's fucking dumb. But to his credit, Daken says he helped Concord so he could dig a little deeper and find out more. It's still not clear how much bullshit he's stepping in, but it's a nice mystery. One that's a lot more coherent than his usual decadent antics.

He and X-23 also have a nice conversation about how different they are. She was raised in a lab. He was raised by Romulus. She's a clone. He's the product of good old fashioned boning. Yet one of them actually has a sliver of humanity that makes them a decent person. Even though Daken is a classically made human, he doesn't understand being human as much as X-23. It's a startling contrast between the two characters and one that provide great depth to a comic that has been more soaked with blood than Madonna on PMS.

It leads to another scene with another drug deal. The same woman in the cloak from before is buying more trigger scent. Again, it's not clear who she is. But she's packing a fucking gun and takes out the generous black market assholes that sold the stuff to her. Now usually Daken is the one that makes the dick moves, but this one takes the cake. Say what you will about the black market, they're still a business. If you start killing the generous folk who sell you all those juicy vices at a somewhat bloated price, you'll never get your ill-gotten merchandise again. You would have to wait until Ron Paul is elected president, which will likely be never.

This scene really doesn't do much other than act as filler from the last scene and give another excuse for more bloodshed. It's the same problem the previous issue had. It had scenes that seemed too much like filler. Now maybe this scene will have more meaning in the next issue, but that's not clear nor is it even hinted at. It just feels like a scene you can skip over because it's a bloodier repeat of an earlier scene. These pages could go to so much better use, like maybe a close up of Psylocke's ass or Rogue's cleavage. But I digress.

After their little philosophical chat, X-23 and Daken probe further into Concord's facility. Even if they're inclined to cut each others' heads off, they're more inclined to cut Concord's off first. Daken leads her to another part of the facility. Along the way they run into more out-of-work doctors. Since these guys aren't armed with any chainsaws, they do what you would expect doctors to do in that position. They run like cowards. I would mock this with a little girl joke, but given what X-23 did to the doctors that carved her up earlier I fully respect such cowardice. They have my respect for doing the most logical thing and not pissing themselves in the process.

It saves Daken and X-23 the trouble of more killing. Some readers might be a little disappointed. If this comic hasn't had enough bloodshed yet then you might want to go back to group therapy and tell the doctors about the dreams of raining blood you've been having. That would be useful information for any doctor NOT working at Weapon X knock-offs to have. But as soon as they leave, X-23 and Daken face another challenge. X-23 goes to what she thought was crying. Then someone decided that all of Concord's dirty secrets need to be let out for some fresh air. So all those fancy locked doors open and out pour a hoard of monsters. It shows that Concord didn't just rely on X-23 to bring back Weapon X. He did some homework and this would certainly qualify him as a straight-A student.

It's a twist that doesn't feel like a twist. X-23 and Daken now have to stop fighting each other and debating who's more human than who. When facing an army of monsters, those petty differences just don't seem as important. It sets the stage for an extra bloody conclusion and if you're not drooling over the possibilities, you either just came from the dentist or you're dead.

Going back to what I said earlier about one good comic overshadowing three bad comics, I'll say outright that this was a damn good comic. It had a lot fewer flaws than Daken #8. It was coherent. It was action-packed. It was bloody. It was even shocking at times, showing some depth and character development to go along with that blood. Marjorie Liu's touch is apparent in this book. She has a great feel for characterization and adding a touch of heart to scenes that otherwise qualify as torture porn. The moments with X-23 when she was strapped to the table was powerful in addition to being gruesome. Daken's actions make him seem less like a douche and more like someone with a half-logical plan. Yet the conflict between the two is still there and gets more complicated as the book goes on. Now at the end it looks like they have to work together. It's a great flow for a book and one that lends so many possibilities.

There were still a few flaws that seemed to carry over from the last book. There was some filler material, namely with the drug deal for the trigger scent. There were also some shaky transitions, like how X-23 and Daken went from debating humanity to just exploring the facility. Daken still comes off as a tool, but towards the end he does seem to have a more coherent plan. It still isn't clear what he's after and his dialog didn't seem as refined as X-23's. It still helps that it makes more sense in the end. It would help even more if the path to that end was a bit smoother.

X-23 #9 didn't fully rescue the series. It wasn't in need of complete redemption from the last issue. It just needed a story that would get the Collision arc back on track. And it worked. Minor flaws aside, X-23 #9 brought the arc back into focus and set the stage for a very eventful conclusion. For that I give X-23 #9 a 4 out of 5. It's not perfect yet. All the pieces still need to fall into place. Daniel Way and Marjorie Liu have done an amazing job with this story. It's awesome mixed with blood. What more can you ask for? Nuff said!

Brightest Day #24 - A Saga of Awesome Ends

Well it's finally here. A part of me has been excited and another part of me has been sad, so much so that my brain has split in two on numerous occasions. That is the power of Brightest Day. This amazing series from DC that has been unfolding over the course of a year has done the impossible with the same swagger that Donald Trump wears a hair piece, minus the massive douche-bag factor. I've reviewed every issue. I'm going to be honest. I didn't expect the series to ever come close to Blackest Night. I was drunk off a few shots of battery acid and vodka, assuming that I would follow the series for a while and then move on. I never expected it to hold my interest like a vice on my balls for the entire run, but it did. So here I am at the very end, ready to give my full assessment of the Brightest Day series. Given how many times it's blown my mind, I'm pretty sure I've brained my damage beyond repair.

Now I know I've been praising this series like it was written with the hairs of Natalie Portman's pussy. I've gone overboard many a times describing how the pages of this book couldn't be better if DC laced them with cocaine. Given how long I've followed this series, I understand I may be riding the bandwagon in a NASCAR race and expecting Jeff Gordon to be at the wheel. That doesn't mean I won't try to be objective here. I understand I can't let my love of the previous books completely influence how I review this book. But as with all my reviews, I try to be honest while not sounding more drunk than I already am. I've got some Jack Daniels in me so I should be okay.

Brightest Day #24 is the culmination of all the plots that have been coming together in the past few issues. Boston Brand has gone on a bit of a killing spree. Or more accurately, the White Lantern hijacked him and used him the same way OJ Simpson uses kitchen knives. In some very shocking moments, the lantern seemingly killed Hawkman, Hawkgirl, Aquaman, Martin Manhunter, and Firestorm. It seemed like a real dick move after some of them came back in Blackest Night. Then in the last issue, we found out that the White Lantern really wasn't such a massive dick cheese after all. It brought those slain heroes back, but made them more awesome. They took the form of elemental forces so they could take on this dark, evil creature that was giving Mother Nature some serious PMS. Then the final piece of the puzzle came into place. The new guardian of the White Lantern arose and it was one of DC's latest acquisitions, Swamp Thing.

It was a shocking yet novel move. I admit I don't know much about Swamp Thing other than he's from the swamp and he's a thing. However, I do know that DC recently acquired his rights as DC feasted on the slain entrails of Vertigo. If ever there was a stage for Swamp Thing to become awesome, it's Brightest Day. This issue starts with Swamp Thing taking on it's new Brightest Day uniform and showing what it can do. Even if it has a name that's as generic as vanilla ice cream, it can still kick ass.

For readers too lazy to use Wikipedia, the story of Swamp Thing and Alec Holland is explained by the White Lantern. What makes it a big deal is that at the moment, Swamp Thing doesn't think it's Alec Holland. It thinks it's Nekron. You know? That big evil super-douche who was behind the whole Blackest Night ordeal? And now he has control over a force that allows him to basically turn the planet into his own personal prison bitch. So yeah, it's pretty bad. It's up to Hawkman, Hawkgirl, Aquaman, Firestorm, and Martian Manhunter to slow him down so the White Lantern can carry out it's plan, which for once doesn't make it look like such a dick.

With Boston Brand wearing his White Lantern duds, he's supposed to bring Alec Holland back to life. That's way easier said than done because Swamp Thing/Nekron is having too much fun watching the Earth fuck itself. So Boston, Hawk, and Dove have to protect Alec until he gets over the whole being dead thing. Fucking things up even more is Digger, who was lead to the forest in the previous issue. Whether by poor impulse control or being a massive douche (or the White Lantern telling him), he throws his boomerang at Dove.

Since Boston has grown so close to Dove (and certain parts of her anatomy), he does what any badass guy with a boner for hot girls would do. He jumps in front of the boomerang and saves Dove. The price of saving a hot woman is his life, which he only got back at the end of Blackest Night. He shares a nice moment with Dove, but the White Lantern makes it clear. There's no coming back this time. He learned to appreciate life again and now the only appreciation he'll get will be from worms when they shit out his rotting flesh.

As Deadman dies (again), the white ring leaves his hand and goes for Alec Holland. He goes from being an unsightly corpse to looking as healthy as a man who just took a really good shit. He's obviously confused as hell. Being dead will do that to a man. Then the White Ring does the rest. It helps him become Swamp Thing again, telling him that the elementals of the Earth have been corrupted and the only way to uncorrupt them is to beat the everloving shit out of the Swamp Thing/Nekron hybrid.

What follows next is a fight so massive it covers several pages. This isn't one of those glossed over battles that just has two superpowered monsters slap each other a few times before one of them gives some lame-ass egotistical speech before falling to their knees faster than a hooker at Charlie Sheen's house. This is a battle between two elemental Swamp Things. One is Nekron's remains trying like MC Hammer to make a comeback. The other is Alec Holland, finally on a stage where he can be more awesome than he's been in decades. It's such a beautiful sight that you almost want to roll it up and snort cocaine with it.

I won't mince words. The fight is a metric fuck-ton of awesome. At first they seem evenly matched. You can't expect two giant swamp monsters to have much edge over one another. But Alec Holland has more weapons at his disposal in the form of the elementals formed by the other heroes. So suddenly the White Lantern's plan that "killed" them doesn't seem like a dick move. It seems like giving his side the winning edge. It's not like a receiver in football using stick-em to catch or batters in baseball shooting steroids in their asses. It's more like lining boxing gloves with barb wire and channeling his inner Rocky Balboa. With help from the elementals and a renewed sense of awesome, Alec Holland shows that there's only one Swamp Thing. He takes down Nekron in a way so badass that Stallone will likely try to copy it in his next movie.

Swamp Things victory seems like the final blow that will put a stop to all the bullshit that Nekron keeps trying to inflict despite being dead. However, not everybody is thrilled. Boston Brand is dead again. He doesn't get to enjoy seeing Swamp Thing take a nice dump on Nekron's ashes. He basically goes back to being Deadman again, just like he was before Blackest Night. He's understandably pissed, but there is a difference now. As a spirit, he can be seen by Dove. It allows them to share one last moment together and shows that the White Lantern, while it may be a dick at times can be halfway decent when it wants to.

While he gets used to being dead again, the heroes that made up the elementals get a reward for helping Swamp Thing. That means they get to be alive again. So the White Lantern never killed them. He just borrowed them. It's sort of like how Mexican gangs borrow out-of-work Mexican workers and make them work in slaughterhouses for pennies a day. So the White Lantern is still a dick, but at least they got to save the world. I'm pretty sure if it just asked them from the get go, it would have been a lot less messy. But that just wasn't douchy enough.

But there's a problem. One of them is missing. Hawkman is back amongst the living, but Hawkgirl is not. She's gone. This leaves Hawkman understandably pissed. If you recall, he and Hawkgirl were just about to bump uglies in ways that only porno movies can mimic before the White Lantern killed them. Well he's not going to get his chance with her. Swamp Thing says she's gone, but in a bit nicer way. She's still in the form of air, which means the only lover Hawkman will have is a bottle of lube and a sock. It's a sad moment in an otherwise triumphant victory. It adds more emotion into what has already been a pretty damn emotional story.

While Hawkman is lamenting over losing his girl yet again, Swamp Thing does yet another move of badassery. He uses his new connection with nature to heal the Earth better than an aspirin and a cup of coffee. So all over the planet, the damage done by Nekron is healed. So first Swamp Thing beat back another giant swamp monster. Then he healed the whole fucking planet. What have you done with your life today?

So Swamp Thing is back and more badass than ever. It has the White Lantern. It has some new street cred. It gives a nice hippie speech, saying that the world is going to need protection so guys like Nekron don't keep trying to fuck it with their slimy, pollution-filled dick. The White Lantern, douche or no douche, says it's work is done. The planet it safe. Deadman is still dead and pretty pissed. Hawkman still has to get used to the whole life thing without his girlfriend. But Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, and Firestorm are back so there's a lot of positives. It's not a fully happy ending, but it's not a downer either. It strikes the perfect balance, which is like trying to juggle hand grenades on a unicycle. For that, Geoff Johns deserves a freakin' metal and a three way with the last three Maxim cover models.

So the White Lantern is gone. The heroes can get back to their lives, whether they're fucked up or not. Aquaman reunites with Mera. It's not as emotional as their first reunion. There's no big kiss and they don't bump uglies like a couple of squids in heat. I'm assuming Mera is used to that shit by now. But they go for a nice walk on the beach while contemplating the future. J'onn meets up the old woman he met up with early in the series and they share a nice moment. He also removes some huge shard from her head, thus saving her life. Because that's how Martians roll. It's another nice moment that really caps off his story on a high note.

It's not so nice for Hawkman. To say he's pissed is like saying Bill Gates isn't broke. He lost the love of his many lives and he's not happy about it. He's going to need a hell of a lot of therapy as a result. So while the world is safe again, it's about as much consolation as a kick in the balls for him. It's a bit more complicated for Ronnie and Jason. They're still Firestorm and they're still not going to get along anytime soon. It takes a while for a guy to get over someone else killing his girlfriend (albeit while he was Nekron's many prison bitches). If that weren't enough, that warning Professor Stein gave them about them causing another big bang is back to haunt them. Their slap-fight with Anti-Monitor a few issues ago sort of fucked up their chemistry. Jason, having not slept through physics class, says they're going to detonate in 90 days. So all that peace they worked so hard for may go up in another big bang. So their story is not over. It's just getting more fucked up.

Last but not least, we get to see Swamp Thing take on his new role as a guardian. He's in the DC Universe and he's here to stay. So armed with his new powers, Alec Holland does what no politician dare contemplate and makes good on his word. He seeks out those who would do harm to the Earth and gives them the Tony Soprano treatment. And who would be worthy of such a wrath? Lex Luthor? Darkseid? Nope! How about a bunch of rich, corrupt businessman who were behind that oil spill that Aquaman cleaned up earlier in the series? That and they were illegally dumping their shit like drunk with diarrhea. So Swamp Thing tells them to cut that shit out in so many words. For anyone who gets pissed when they see politicians blowing big businessman with enough money for lobbyists, it's a beautiful thing. Environmentalists and hippies will be jerking off to this page for years.

However, it doesn't end there. DC isn't content with just finishing off an awesome story. It has to set the stage for new stories with new characters that they recently acquired from Vertigo. It turns out Swamp Thing isn't the only one joining DC's already lengthy list of characters. One other guy who got picked up is a fella named John Constantine. On the final page of one of DC's most memorable series, he makes his DC debut. It's the end of one thing and the beginning of something new. And it isn't tainted by Keanu Reeves's shitty acting. You couldn't ask for a more complete ending if the book had a built-in blow job toy. If this doesn't get you excited about DC comics again, pull the plug because the coma you're in has no hope.

So there you have it! It's over! Brightest Day is officially done! Excuse me while I pull my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs to the comic gods for ending such an amazing series. It certainly helps that the series ended on a truly awesome note. It didn't just tie up the loose ends from the rest of the series. It set the stage for a new round of stories. They may not be as big as Brightest Day or Blackest Night, but they're still pretty damn exciting. After following all these characters through such a twisted and emotional story, you can't help but be compelled to see where it goes. I'm sure it's part of some master marketing scheme by DC to extract more dollars from my wallet, but I don't mind being fucked like that so long as the fucking is awesome.

There's so much to love about this series. I would need several blogs just to digest it all. Making a broad assessment of this series is difficult, but I'll take a stab at it. It started right from the ashes of Blackest Night and it carried some of those ashes into the story. Using characters that don't always make the cover of top books, Geoff Johns weaved a truly amazing story together for 24 issues. It's amazing considering there are writers out there who can't even finish five issues in a fucking year (looking at YOU Jeph Loeb). To be able to deliver so much rich content on a biweekly basis is more than awesome. It's fucking Herculean. DC pulled out all the stops to make this series as compelling as Blackest Night and they damn well succeeded.

It wasn't perfect the whole way through. There were a few hiccups along the way. There were some in this issue, but they were minor. It's a bit of a drag that Deadman is...well, dead again. It seems like he's back to where he started before Blackest Night, but there were some differences this time. Others could see him and his character underwent many strong developments. So that's bearable. We didn't get a very touching reunion with Mera and Aquaman either, but having already had plenty it's not too distressing. Everything else from the writing, the dialog, the art, and the hints for future stories were top notch. Unless you want to be overly picky about every little thing, you can't call this comic flawed.

Brightest Day #24 was meant to bring an end to the Brightest Day series. Well it succeeded and did so on so many awesome levels. It has been an absolute pleasure following this series and offering my twisted reviews along the way. I think I exhausted all my boob and sex jokes describing how great this series was, but it was all worth it! This final issue gets a perfect 5 out of 5. It's the most satisfying comic series you'll read without reading it on the back of a supermodel's ass. DC comics has stepped up their game in a way that should leave Marvel quivering like a vegan in a slaughterhouse. If you're looking to get into DC comics again, this is a great place to start! Thanks Geoff Johns! Thanks DC! You guys kick every kind of ass! Nuff said.