WonderCon 2012: Rants and Remarks

The internet has given us so many wonderful things. Youtube, Twitter, Facebook, and internet porn have revolutionized the world of information, communication, entertainment, and masturbation for every possible generation. Among the less glamorous benefits that don't require a constant supply of lube is liveblogging. It used to be that whenever there was an event you couldn't attend, like a comic convention, you either had to wait until reports came out days later or take a few hits of acid so you can at least fantasize you were there (minus the pink elephants of course). Liveblogging has been a great way to keep up with comic cons that I'm either too busy or two drunk to attend. This past weekend, Wondercon hit the fine state of California. It is without a doubt the third most attractive event behind pot dispensaries and Disneyland.

The timing for Wondercon comes at a vital time for Marvel. In a mere two weeks, Avengers vs. X-men kicks off in what Marvel promises to be the biggest event since the invention of chicken wings and Monday Night Football. They been releasing so many teasers lately that it almost fits the Geneva Conventions definition of torture. But as someone who has already been tortured by ex-girlfriends, law enforcement, and angry Twilight fans I'm more than willing to endure. We already know the basis of Avengers vs. X-men. The Phoenix is on it's way to take a massive, flaming shit on the world and Hope Summers is the key to either stopping it or egging it on. The Avengers and the X-men must then battle over her fate and hope they don't fuck each other up too much before their world gets burnt to a cinder like Charlie Sheen's TV career.

Both Newsarama and Marvel's official website ran a liveblog of a panel for Avengers vs. X-men. The information presented was fairly basic and added only slightly onto what we already knew. For one, Jeph Loeb stated that the end of X-Sanction (the final issue of which is coming out later this week), will lead directly into Avengers vs. X-men #0. Also, Marvel Editor Tom Brevoort made it a point to dispel any rumor that Marvel was going to follow DC's lead and reboot their line.

Tom Brevoort: There's no reboot coming. There's not going to be a reset. The Marvel Universe isn't broken.

I imagine Brevoort was pounding his fist on the table when he said this and I think it's a point worth reinforcing. The reboot has been working fine for DC, but they did it because like a guy at a strip club after his wife leaves him they fucking had to. Marvel didn't. In fact, Avengers vs. X-men makes that a pretty lousy theme because according to Brevoort, the seeds of this story were sewn way back in 2006 with House of M when Wanda Maximoff decided to pull a mini-Flashpoint of sorts and de-power nearly every mutant on the planet. So what if it takes six years to bring the story full circle? Like a lap dance from Megan Fox, some shit just shouldn't be rushed.

And in accord with pretty much every major comic book convention where Marvel has a presence, someone did ask a Jean Grey question. Since I did one of my Sunday rants on her and I'm still working under the assumption that Marvel will look for ANY excuse not to bring Jean Grey back even though she's the one most associated with the Phoenix Force, I'm compelled to bring it up. At the Newsarama liveblog, a fan asked if Jean Grey was going to be involved. Mark Waid (writer of the upcoming Infinite Comics) told the fan to check out the second issue of Infinite Comics. I'm not sure what to make of that. It may be code for "We're going to completely ignore the shit set up in the past and recton the hell out of Jean Grey and the Phoenix so we have even more excuses never to bring her back." Until I hear otherwise, I'm working under that assumption.

That brings up another important announcement from Wondercon. Earlier this month, Marvel announced a new digital initiative called Infinite Comics that will start with Avengers vs. X-men. It's basically Marvel's way of adding some extra elements to their digital comics aside from just running them through a scanner and charging the same fucking price for them, even though digital pirates have been doing that shit since Bush's first term in office. It's part of what they call Marvel ReEvolution. And I say it's a good thing in my drunken opinion. Considering the fact that Marvel only recently began offering day-and-date digital for all their titles and DC only started seven months ago, it's usually the case that comic companies have been glacial at embracing digital means. I get the sense that they think digital shit is just an excuse for fans to get drunk and rant about comics online. Well, they're partially right, but let's face it. Paper is going the way of the typewriter. This is the era of Ipads, Kindles, and Nooks. Not everybody wants to go out of their way to pay four bucks for 20 pages of ink that may only collect dust in their book cases. We are a very superficial species in that we like shit that's pretty and flashy. Something like Marvel Infinite Comics could be just what the unliscended doctor from Cambodia ordered!

While Avengers vs. X-men was the big draw for Marvel, it did have some other important announcements. For one, Captain Marvel is returning. However, it's not in the way fans were thinking. You see, Captain Marvel isn't technically coming back from the dead. Carol Danvers, aka Miss Marvel, is taking that mantle. That's right, a pretty blonde is taking on a title once held by a man. So all those feminazis who whine about women in comics constantly have to throw the penis-bearing population of the world a bone here. Because Miss Marvel not only looks more badass in her new uniform. She looks like something little girls can dress up as and not come off as porn stars.

Another major announcement involved the return of a fan-favorite X-men series, Xtreme X-men. While the title itself implies that it's the over-exposed energy drink of the X-books, it was actually a damn good series back in the day and by back in the day I mean 2001 to 2004. It was another brilliant run by Chris Claremont, who simply is never satisfied being the most prolific X-men writer of all time. However, Chris Claremont isn't coming out of retirement again a la Brett Favre to write this series again. This time, it's Greg Pak who is running the show. And unlike the original Xtreme X-men series, this one will follow the alternate universe characters that Pak set up in his lone Astonishing X-men arc that I found myself giving a favorable review. That means the alternate universe Emma Frost, Wolverine, and Kid Nightcrawler will be back! It also will bring Dazzler back into a more prominent role with the X-books, which is somewhat fitting since she's been pretty much an afterthought since X-men Regenesis. Pak is calling this series a successor to the Exile series of sorts, which is not a bad thing. That series made itself awesome by traversing many different alternate worlds in a way that didn't fuck up the regular continuity too much. Since Pak has shown that he can do a damn good job on an X-men book, hopefully Xtreme X-men will keep him on board for more than one arc.

There were a shit ton of other announcements at Wondercon 2012, but I'm not sober enough to go over every one of them. However, after getting sufficiently wasted and following the liveblogs, I think it's safe to call this event a success. It's like the calm before the storm or that anticipation you get when you slip a hooker a hundred bucks and she agrees to come up to your hotel room for a drink. For Marvel and X-men fans like me everywhere, Wondercon 2012 is Marvel's last major gathering before they charge head first into Avengers vs. X-men. If you're not ready, then have fun falling on your ass because the rest of us are charging ahead! See you next year, Wondercon! Now we're off to see the X-men and Avengers beat the shit out of each other! Nuff said.

New Pic and Bios Updates for X-men Supreme

Quick update, X-men Supreme fans! I promised that I would update the bios and pics section once I was finished with The Good, The Bad, The Sinister. Well, I'm making good on that promise. I just finished posting new bios entries for the two major characters that made this arc so big, Mr. Sinister and Madelyne Pryor. These are two characters that had a profound impact in the history of X-men. I couldn't make this fanfiction series complete without getting them involved. However, I felt it was important that I change their backstory significantly for X-men Supreme. Sinister is still Sinister, but Madelyne Pryor has undergone a significant overhaul for a number of reasons. I always thought that Marvel mishandled her history in the comics and never really made Sinister's past clear. I hope to avoid those mistakes with this fanfiction series. I know I didn't fill in all the details with The Good, The Bad, The Sinister. I hope these bios help.

Bio - Goblin Queen

Bio - Sinister

And just another reminder, please remember to review and provide feedback for the lastest issue and every other issue of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. I know I've been saying that a lot, but the traffic and the feedback has been down lately and it's starting to worry me. I work long and hard on X-men Supreme. If fewer and fewer people read it, then it's going to be a lot harder to put so much work into it. So please, from the bottom of my fanboy soul, take some time to review. Thanks again for everyone who has supported this series. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

X-men Legacy #263 - Making A Point (of Awesome)

Whenever I review X-men Legacy, I tend to be too harsh or too easy. I can be harsh because Mike Carey set such a high bar of excellence. It's like trying to go out drinking with Homer Simpson. There's a certain expectation of quality. The quality of a drunk is not unlike the quality of a comic, minus the hangovers and blackouts. It can leave an indelible impact and not just on your liver. X-men Legacy is an X-book with some pretty heavy hitters with characters like Rogue, Rachel Grey, Gambit, and Frenzy. It has no excuses for not meeting that level of quality and at times it does skew my perspective when I assess an issue, but I always try to be honest...honesty being proportional to my booze intake of course.

X-men Legacy is still settling after the events of X-men Regenesis. Rogue, Gambit, Frenzy and the rest of the Legacy crew minus Magneto are adjusting to their roles as the main staff/security guards for the Jean Grey Institute. They've already had to fight off a demon invasion, which in most jobs would have a pretty high turnover. But that's just another day at the office for the Jean Grey institute. In this arc, the Jean Grey Institute has to content with an overly motivated Exodus. In addition to being a mutant with a ridiculous amount of power, Exodus also had way too much free time on his hands. In that time he determined that the mutant race was rowing downstream off a waterfall into an ocean of pure shit. The whole schism that divided the X-men has left the entire mutant race vulnerable and since he's got so much power to go along with his oversized balls, he's going to fix that. First, he tried forcing the Jean Grey Institute to make amends with Cyclops's team. He might as well have tried to get Pat Robertson and Richard Dawkins to get along. When that failed, he figured in his less than infinite wisdom that he was going to kill Cyclops. This forced Wolverine, Rogue, and the rest of the institute staff to chase him down. It only ended up with Exodus kicking their asses again. It looked to be a pretty bloody brawl. Then Hope Summers, the Lights, and some New Mutants showed up and ass fucked the circumstances to a new bloody level.

Now why is this a big fucking deal? Well if you read Schism (and you damn well ought to if you're going to call yourself an X-men fan) you'll know that one of the many things that Cyclops did to piss Wolverine off was to use young mutants in the field of battle. It's not quite as egregious as getting to bone Jean Grey, but it was right up there. The way he saw it, kids shouldn't be in battles against assholes like Exodus. And he has a valid point. Kids should be worrying about school, getting laid, and avoiding negative influences from guys like me. But in the first few pages of X-men Legacy #263, Hope Summers shows that being a mutant and being a kid sort of fucks up that which seems logical. Seeing as how Wolverine's side was getting their asses handed to them by Exodus, a little humility was in order from the fucking mutant messiah.

While Wolverine is pissed once again at Cyclops for reasons that don't involve him sticking it to Jean Grey, it doesn't stop the little mutant messiah that looks like Jean Grey from making a difference early on in the fight against Exodus. It's not clear if she taps a bit of that Phoenix power that's threatening to pit the Avengers against the X-men, but given the level of douche-baggery that Exodus has unleashed it's more than appropriate. But beyond the flare, there's still a debate going on between punches. Wolverine and even Rogue are trying to tell Hope and the kids to pull back, but neither Hope nor her comrades are willing to do so. Hope says that Cyclops and the Extinction team were busy with another extinction event and couldn't bother to be distracted by some wannabe unifier whose last name isn't Obama. So they're stuck working with kids. And while it clearly pisses Wolverine off in ways that only a whiskey shortage could come close to, he and the rest of the Legacy crew have to accept that.

Armed with Hope's messiah-level firepower, they finally start roughing Exodus up in a way that effectively silences him from more shitty preaching. If only Kirk Cameron was so easy to silence. The entire Legacy crew gets involved. Wolverine gets in some stabs. Rogue throws in a some Cannonball fueled body shots. Everyone else surround him like the kid in the playground with the most lunch money and the least amount of muscle mass. What follows is a bombardment of ass-kicking of many different varieties from many different angles. It's a glorious sight and immensely satisfying given how big a douche-bag Exodus has been over the course of the past few issues. The combined efforts of the Legacy crew and Hope's crew effectively shut his ass up like one of Vladamir Putin's political rivals.

As satisfying as this scene is, there is a problem with it. It's too damn short. Don't get me wrong, it has all the flash and flare you want in a big ass fight scene. The problem is that while it looks big, it doesn't feel big. What I mean by that is while characters like Hope, Rogue, and Wolverine all contribute, everyone else does pretty much nothing. Some don't even talk. I get that it's hard to squeeze everyone into the mix, but it really doesn't feel like over half of the characters involved really contributed. The scene could have been drawn out longer. It could have had a few more glorious details, but it didn't. It just ended too quickly before the awesome could be milked from every character. It's a tragedy almost on par with running out of ketchup at a Five Guys.

When the end comes in an all too quick manner, Exodus looks more fucked up than Tom Hanks at the end of Saving Private Ryan. Yet he's still smiling and for good reason. He essentially proved his point to Wolverine and the rest of the X-men. He demonstrated that they couldn't handle him while they were divided. They still needed to go whining to Cyclops's team like a little girl whose brother just rubbed boogers in her face. It's not your typical boasting from a bad guy that just got his ass kicked. Exodus technically won by losing here. He proved his point and the X-men don't really have much ground with which to debate him. It's one of those deeper moments that result from a battle that is so distinctive in X-men Legacy. Mike Carey did a damn good job with it time and again. Now Christos Gage has done his share.

After Exodus is done waving his dick in the face of his enemies, Pixie and the rest of the Utopia crew teleport him back to Utopia where he can be safely imprisoned in the brig. Yes, it's the same brig from which Sebastian Shaw escaped, but it's not like the Jean Grey Institute is big on keeping prisoners outside of a math class. But before they go, Rogue and Wolverine do make one last impassioned plea to the kids of Utopia that they don't have to be soldiers. They can be normal kids. But in another compelling exchange, they make clear that they're okay with being soldiers. They understand that they can't be normal and if it means they end up as fucked up as Wolverine or Rogue, they're okay with that. While Schism ended quite a while ago, the scars from that event still linger and this moment serves as a compelling reminder of just how deep this divide runs.

Even though the Legacy crew effectively beat Exodus, they return to the Jean Grey Institute with their heads hung low and their balls partially deflated. It's especially bad for Rogue because in the last issue she was the one that stayed behind to call Utopia for backup. Wolverine told her specifically not to do that for reasons that were completely vindicated when kids showed up to save their asses. Whether it's because he's exceedingly pissed or just bitter about having to be saved by a bunch of kids, Wolverine effectively demotes Rogue on the spot. If he can't trust her to not go whining to Cyclops's side, then he can't trust her. It's the second time in recent years that Rogue has pissed on the trust given to her by her leaders. Even when she tries to do the right thing, the girl just can't win for losing.

If that weren't bad enough, her clam is still wet for Magneto. After being effectively dressed down in a way that doesn't make for good porno, Rogue mopes around a bit with Rachel. They have a brief chat about her, Magneto, and how she's not over her throbbing need to snorkel his chud. Rachel points out that she went to Utopia for backup with the hidden desire to see him again. She rightly points out how unhealthy and fucked up that is. She doesn't point out how unhealthy and fucked up it is to want to bang Magneto in the first place when she's got guys like Gambit around who want to also want to bang her. It essentially leaves the disgusting Rogue/Magneto plot exactly where it began with this arc, which is probably a good thing because the last thing this series needs is more scenes with Rogue shacking up with men four times her age.

While the victory is bittersweet, the rest of the students at the Jean Grey Institute emerge from lockdown to return to their semi-normal lives. Among them is blindfold, who was the first to sense Exodus at the beginning of this arc. It was her vision that set this brawl into motion and before the issue ends, we get another vision of just how fucked up everything still is. It serves as a reminder of sorts that while Exodus was defeated, Wolverine and his crew didn't win. They only proved Exodus right and Blindfold seems to agree with his sentiment that by not standing together, they're in for a world of shit. It may or may not be a prelude to Avengers vs. X-men, but it's hard to deny that if they had this much trouble with Exodus then they might as well start cooking their asses to serve as orderves for the Avengers when that conflict comes rolling around.

It's a pretty tense state of affairs for X-men Legacy crew. It's not enough that they were upstaged by a bunch of kids who in another reality were just learning to masturbate effectively and sneak into R-rated movies. They showed that the whole basis of the schism was not as solid as they once thought. The lines aren't as exact as they seemed. The younger mutants still had something to contribute and moreover, they needed to contribute. They proved Exodus right on some levels. By dividing the mutant race, they were all vulnerable as fuck. With Avengers vs. X-men on the horizon, that's not a nice state to be in. So in many ways this comic sort of acts as a warning to the other X-books. Their division may end up fucking them over in ways that'll leave them pretty vulnerable when the Phoenix Force comes knocking.

This issue sent a powerful message. It also had plenty of action and brawling to finish what the previous issue began. It was entertaining, but it fell flat in a few areas. The presence of Hope Summers, the Lights, and the New Mutants promised to be a major game-changer. But not much of it was realized. Hope Summers shined. Pixie shined as only a pink-haired elf-eared teenage girl could. But everyone else didn't do three quarters of a wet fart. The battle against Exodus was a spectacle that unfolded over the course of two issues. It didn't end with a whimper, but it left a bit too much potential on the table. While more dramatic elements like Rogue getting demoted and Blindfold's ominous vision helped add a few additional elements, in the end this issue just didn't feel as awesome as it could have been.

I still enjoyed this issue. Christos Gage has handled the many differing plots throughout X-men Legacy with skills that should make Mike Carey proud and relieved. That high level of quality that I mentioned earlier is still being met. X-men Legacy has it's own unique feel like Uncanny X-men and Wolverine and the X-men. That feel and tone was definitely flaunted in this issue in a way not unlike Jennifer Lopez flaunts her ass. It's a great book, but it leaves too much awesome on the table. It's too much JaMarcuss Russel and not enough Peyton Manning. But this comic still had nearly all the top tier elements of awesome that make it worthy of being a top tier book. With that in mind I give X-men Legacy #263 a 4.5 out of 5. You've got kids upstaging adults, religious nuts on a crusade, and Rogue's panties still getting wet over a man old enough to be her grandfather. It's either X-men Legacy or my last family reunion, but only one involves six kegs of booze. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue 49: The Good, The Bad, The Sinister is LIVE!

Fasten your seatbelt all you X-men Supreme fans! The end of another major arc in this fanfiction series is upon us! I always get excited when X-men Supreme reaches a special point where the story and the characters experience a powerful moment of great change. The Good, The Bad, The Sinister is one of those arcs that will have significant ramifictions over the course of this fanfiction series. It's the first major arc of X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope for a reason. It will help set the tone in terms of scale for the other arcs to come. So without further adieu, I hope you all enjoy the climax of this latest entry of X-men Supreme.

Issue 49: The Good, The Bad, The Sinister Part 3

It's always an experience using someone like Sinister in an X-men story, but this was extra special. This was once of those arcs where I really got to do something different with this fanfiction series that you won't see in the comics. Sinister is always a colorful character, but it was the introduction of characters like Madelyne Pryor and Gabriel Summers that really set this arc apart. These are two characters who have very different histories in the comics. I wanted to put a different twist on them and I like to think I've succeeded here. I plan on doing a fully entry in the bios section for these characters within the next few days. So stay tuned if you wish to learn more about the characters as they are in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series.

So another arc has passed and this fanfiction series moves forward. As such, it's all the more vital that I get feedback from all the wonderful readers who take the time to read this series. I say it's vital because I've been getting regular traffic reports for the X-men Supreme website and it's fallen flat for the past few months. I really want to see this website and this fanfiction series grow! That can't happen without feedback. Please post your comments in each issue or contact me at any time with your remarks. Either is fine as long as you help support X-men Supreme. I have so much more I want to do with this series. Please help me make it successful. Thank you and until next time, take care and best wishes! Excelsior!

Jack

Wolverine and the X-men #7 - A Scientific Method for Awesome

Whenever I read stories about the human body it often reminds me that my internal organs are probably more fucked than a Bangkok whore on coupon day. I'm often amazed at the sheer majesty of the human body, especially when beautiful women allow me to observe it up close after a few shots of tequila. Stories about people shrinking themselves and exploring god's handiwork are as old as Betty White's last used tampon. So how do you add a novel twist on this plot? Three words: aliens, alien spores, and alien conspiracies. Okay, so maybe just aliens will suffice.

Wolverine and the X-men has already proven to be a wildly entertaining book without aliens. In it's inaugural arc it brought homicidal kids, an army of Frankensteins, and a living island. And yes, that was just one arc. Apparently, Jason Aaron treats his stories the same way he treats his beard. He just doesn't know when to cut it off. If anything, a plot involving aliens feels almost normal in a comic that has prided itself on being awesome in a more light-hearted way that still involves the threat of gruesome death. It may sound as awkward as an Amish hacker, but Jason Aaron has made it work in a way that would make the late Steve Jobs proud. May he rest triumphantly in Valhalla!

Mr. Aaron has taken Marvel's favorite race of hostile aliens who treat blood the same way my ex-girlfriend treats chocolate when she's PMSing (only with slightly less hostility). They have been unleashed both on the Jean Grey Institute and on Kitty Pryde's innards. In the last issue it was revealed that the mastermind behind this rather misogynistic plot that would give Rush Limbaugh a boner was orchestrated by another alien that seems to enjoy keeping the Brood as pets. Perhaps he killed one too many goldfish as a kid, but who am I to judge? This nameless alien showed up at the institute and attacked Broo and Kitty Pryde while Beast led an expedition into Kitty's body in an effort to destroy the army of mini-Brood that had been unleashed inside her. All the while, the institute is still dealing with financial issues after Angel lost his fucking mind and the Hellfire kids took control of his company. So Wolverine decided to take the most ridiculous approach towards solving this problem and dragged Kid Omega to an alien casino where he hoped to cheat his way into enough funding. I think someone needs to pull him aside and explain the merits of a fundraiser, but then again he's Wolverine. If he's not laying his dick on the edge of an axe, it's just not worth doing for him.

At the end of the previous issue, both sides were chin deep in shit. This issue begins in a way that doesn't make it smell any nicer. Kid Gladiator, the institute's resident egotistical douche from every bad 80s teen movie, thought he could handle an army of invading Brood by himself. So it's almost satisfying to see him get turned into a Brood. It sucks for Iceman, Warbird, Beast, and everyone else who are having a hard enough time trying to make sure these mini-Brood don't ravage Kitty's womb in a way almost as bad as what Tommy Lee did to Pamela Anderson. Despite Kid Gladiator acting like more of a douche than usual, Beast manages to locate the main egg sack where all the mini-Brood are coming from. It's not entirely clear if this sac is located in Kitty's stomach or lady parts. I'm guessing Marvel wants to leave explaining female anatomy to parents and internet porn.

Outside the bounds of female anatomy, a conflict is still brewing from the source of this Limbaugh-esque assault on female biology. The big, tough, imposing alien that killed a legion of SWORD agents just a few issues ago went through a lot of trouble to get to Broo in the last issue. Well he finally reached his target and he could easily grab the little critter by the neck and snap it like my 8th grade Algebra teacher snapped any fondness I may have had for numbers. But that would be too basic and bland for someone with as twisted a mind as Jason Aaron's. Instead, Broo and the mysterious alien sit down and have a little chat. They don't light a joint or anything, but they do talk seriously and it's not as fucked up as it sounds. Okay, anything involving aliens is fucked up on some levels, but you get what I mean.

The alien's name is Professor Xanto Starblood. Aside from having the most awesome name for a professor ever since Professor Ironcock Hellbone, he's an extreme zoologist of sorts. He and Broo discuss the intricate order of evolutionary biology. To him, it's fragile in a way that would make a fundamentalist Christian's head explode. So when he finds a tiny little Brood that acts very un-Brood like, he sees that in the same way as we would see Pat Robertson digging up Charles Darwin's body and butt-fucking his corpse. He sees Broo as a massive flaw in the evolutionary web of life and like a neurotic roommate, he just has to clean it up. Unfortunately, that means wiping the floor with Broo's blood. As for Kitty Pryde? She was just bait and a diversion. Because what's more distracting than a woman for whom the integrity of her snatch is in danger?

Speaking of integrity, remember how Wolverine dragged Kid Omega across the galaxy to an alien casino in hopes of cheating his way into easy money to help fund the institute? I guess when you put it like that it sounds like a dick move. Naturally, the alien heads of the casino think so as well and show once again that no matter how alien a race may be, if you try to cheat them out of cash they will fuck you up. Armed with untold billions of alien loot, Kid Omega and Wolverine try to fight their way out of the casino and towards Warren Buffet's tax bracket. Kid Omega even shows off some kick-ass new psychic skills, namely forming a shotgun out of telekinesis and taking on the aliens in the tradition of Evil Dead 2. While Kid Omega may be a way bigger douche than Bruce Campbell, it's hard to deny that he looks pretty damn badass.

Broo could use such badassery in fighting for his life. It's not your typical alien vs. alien brawl because Broo is trying to maintain his whole hippie Brood persona. It's not just my drunken labeling of his persona. It's a vital aspect of his character. Professor Starblood doesn't seem to give three tenths of a damn about his pacifism. Broo, to his credit, still tries to reason with him. He brings up a prophecy of a peaceful Broo being born and tries to paint himself as sort of a Broo Jesus. Starblood doesn't buy it. Apparently, he doesn't care much for the prophecy angle. He's sort of the alien Richard Dawkins and as such, playing the magic card won't fly with him.

While Broo is clearly outmatched and a shitty fighter for a Brood, Kitty Pryde still tries to contribute in her faux-pregnant condition. She sicks an army of bamfs on Starblood, which are basically mini-Nightcrawlers minus the charming personality. It certainly succeeds in disorienting Starblood. It probably gives him a killer headache when they drop him at high altitudes and have Karoka slam his ass into the ground. It's the first time the bamfs have contributed to doing more than just reminding readers how much they miss Nightcrawler or stealing Wolverine's liquor. It's also the first time Karoka contributes in a way that doesn't involve driving seismologists and geologists crazy.

The battle against Professor Starblood and the battle against casino security quickly begin to decline. Karoka's body slam did little to stop Professor Starblood, much in the same way every croc in the world failed at subduing Steve Irwin. At the same time, all the telekinetic shotguns in the universe aren't enough to protect Wolverine and Kid Omega from casino security. After stabbing and fighting his way through glitz and glamor of an interstellar casino, Wolverine gets his legs shot out from under him in a way that would make Robert DeNiro proud. Starblood also fights his way back to Broo and roughs Kitty Pryde up for throwing him into the teeth of a living island. And this is what sends Broo over the edge. It's one thing to try to kill him, but when you smack up a lady that you also infected with with killer aliens that crosses a seriously fucked up line. So Broo finally ditches the hippie mentality and channels his inner Brood to attack Professor Starblood and all his bullshit credentials.

It gets pretty messy, but believe or not this isn't the messiest part of the story. Inside Kitty's innards, Beast has prepared a little biological smart bomb for the alien hive that set up shop in her lady parts. So even as they're restraining Kid Gladiator, he manages to set it off. This succeeds in destroying the spores, but it also succeeds in causing Kitty Pryde to puke up more crap than all sluts that ever got wasted at Charlie Sheen's house. If you aren't used to puking in trash cans at three in the morning, you might want to look away because it's as graphic as it is awesome.

So Kitty has officially turned off every bulimic in the history of the world and purged herself of the alien threat to her womb. She also seemed to barf up Beast and the rest of the X-men, who quickly return to normal size just in time to see Broo bloodying Professor Starblood like Rocky Balboa in Rocky IV. It's remarkable that a creature so undersized can rough up someone as imposing as Starblood, but the man is a professor. Not a cage fighter. So Beast ends up having to restrain Broo before he makes the cleanup any more expensive than it needs to be. Since shit with Wolverine and Kid Omega clearly didn't go that well in the alien casino, they need to think about cutting costs.

Later on while everyone is recovering and doing their best not to puke, we get some nice resolutions. Professor Starblood is hauled off by SWORD, but he leaves with a smile because he proved to Broo that on a basic level he's no different from his brethren. That means the biological order is safe. And all it took for him to prove was the death of a few SWORD agents and some irreparable damage to Kitty's insides. Seems like a fair trade for science. Speaking of Kitty, she's obviously a little fucked up after puking her guts up and thinking she was pregnant. But it actually becomes a more personal moment. She confides to Bobby that she was actually relieved when she found out it was aliens and not a baby in her lady parts. What's that say about her aside from shit that would make her best friends with Sandra Fluke? She sees it as a sign that she hasn't grown up. So what's she do? She kisses Bobby Drake in a show of clear maturity and/or hormonal imbalance. Is that supposed to be a sign of growing up? I don't know, but it means Iceman could be getting some long overdue play...after Kitty's pussy heals of course.

In addition, the whole funding issue with the institute is also resolved. However, it's not because of any winnings that Wolverine managed to wrestle away from an alien casino. Out of the blue, there's a panel that shows Rachel discovering that Karoka is capable of pooping out big ass diamonds that sell for a kings ransom. It has nothing to do with the plots in this arc. Absolutely nothing at all built up to it either. It just comes right out of the blue, ending the whole financial difficulties plot. Maybe I'm just bitter about people finding money-making schemes that work, but I have to call bullshit here. If fixing the money woes were that easy, then what was the fucking point of Wolverine heading off into space with Kid Omega?

Speaking of which, their little scam turned out to be a complete bust. Kid Omega manages to get Wolverine out of the casino, but not before they fuck him up even more and turn his legs into pretzels. It's a pretty fucked up sight, but compared to Kitty puking earlier it's not even as nauseating as the last Ghost Rider movie. So Kid Omega and Wolverine fly back to Earth empty handed and with their asses served to them in a doggie bag. I ask again, what was the point of this plot when Karoka pretty much solved all their money woes in one panel? Was it just a means of getting Wolverine and Kid Omega to play high roller in an alien casino? It's an admirable ambition, but without purpose it's just all style and no substance. And in this day and age, it's best to leave that shit to the Lady Gaga's of the world.

There's a lot to love with the Wolverine and the X-men series. Every time I get wasted and do a review, I find another reason to get all giddy about this series. A lot of new series tend to start strong, but like cigarette companies they really stop trying once they get you hooked with those first few hits. They try to assume that the addictive nature of their product will keep you locked in. Unfortunately, comic companies don't have the luxury of working with nicotine and carcinogens. They actually have to keep the series coherent, enjoyable, and throw in a few nice twists along the way. Jason Aaron does all that with this comic while bringing a slight tear to your eye. While this issue was mostly about rescuing Kitty and funding the institute, Broo really stole the show. The lovable hippie Brood showed his vulnerable side, which also happens to be his badass side. In many ways it was almost as emotional as Kitty swapping spit with Iceman, although that could just be the faux pregnancy hormones kicking in. Even for a book that's more light-hearted than other X-books, it's a great way to really tug on the heart strings and make you actually care about the lovable creature that's so cute yet capable of ripping the spine from your body with his teeth.

It all made for a very solid ending to a rather colorful arc that went from casinos in deep space to the depths of Kitty Pryde's lady parts, all while remaining coherent. However, the resolution on some levels fell a bit flat in some areas. Wolverine and Kid Omega's venture in the casino turned out to be a bust and that's okay. But finding out along the way that Karoka can create diamonds that will essentially end the institute's funding problems seems to render the whole struggle a complete crock. Now that's not to say that this little adventure into the high-stakes world of alien gaming wasn't enjoyable, but in the end it was essentially rendered unnecessary. And nothing nullifies a great story more than making it worth the same as a Zimbabwe penny.

Never-the-less, this was still a quality issue with plenty of shit to enjoy. If you can get over Kitty Pryde puking her guts and an alien nest or Wolverine's legs getting the Joe Pesci treatment, then you'll have little reasons to complain. Jason Aaron, through either brilliance or awesome drugs that I'll never have access to, has found a way to mix alien attacks, fake pregnancies, and teen angst all into one arc. Like having a thousand dollars in unmarked bills in downtown Tijuana, it'll get you shit you'll never get anywhere else. I give Wolverine and the X-men #7 a 4.5 out of 5. A lot of people complain about how nothing is really new anymore. I say unto those whining assholes that there's a comic that has women getting pregnant with alien babies, real life issues of insufficient funding, and alien casinos. So stop whining like a bitch and enjoy this comic! Nuff said.