Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #20

I know this is supposed to be a time when we're celebrating the X-men's history of time travel and setting the future straight. With X-men: Days of Futures Past now in theaters, time travel is supposed to be somewhat less frustrating, if only for a few weeks. I'm sorry, but I just can't get into the spirit. Between Age of Ultron, All-New X-men, and the events of Uncanny Avengers, I can't bring myself to be this excited about time travel. I still believe that time travel stories lost a good chunk of their appeal after Hollywood stopped making Back to the Future movies. That said, Uncanny Avengers has been doing a great job of making a time travel story feel at least somewhat less cliched. To stop the Apocalypse Twins from destroying the planet, the surviving members of the Unity Squad along with some displaced AU versions of major Marvel heroes are going to try and send their consciousness back to the past to undo these events. Yes, it is a blatant Days of Future Past ripoff, but if a time travel story is going to rip off anything, it might as well be one of the best time travel stories ever. Uncanny Avengers #20 doesn't have Jennifer Lawrence running around as Mystique in it, but it still has a lot of momentum from recent issues fueling it. Still, I would much rather see Jennifer Lawrence running around as Mystique.

That said, watching two versions of Psylocke fight to the death is a close second. The future X-men and Kang's dimensionally displaced heroes clash in a battle to save the remaining members of the Unity Squad so they can effectively exploit Chris Clarmeont's second most brilliant story after the Phoenix Saga. It's as epic as it sounds. A tough version of Psylocke goes up against an even tougher version that looks like the wife of my old gym teacher, who I'm convinced was a dominatrix by trade. Stryfe isn't so terrifying, at least to Cable. But what makes this epic is that even though there are assholes on both sides, they're both fighting for a similar goal. They want to stop their futures from being nullified. I'm sure they feel that if anyone is going to erase their existence, it'll be by editorial mandate and not because of Alex fucking Summers.

Now I know I give Havok a hard time on this blog and I still stand by my ball-busting criticisms. He's done plenty to deserve it. However, the guy is still fully capable of being a total badass. He's a fucking Summers. Badass runs through his veins, along with the ability to bang hot telepaths. He makes this abundantly clear when Magneto has him at his mercy while Blob stands over his unconscious wife, ready to treat her the same way he treats a bucket of fried chicken. Magneto has even more incentive than usual to be exceedingly cruel. He doesn't just have a world free of those pesky, genocidal humans. This is a world his daughter sacrificed his life to create. He's more than happy to snap the neck of anyone willing to undo it all and burn the corpse.

On the surface, it may be a classic Magneto-caliber dick move. But what makes it awesome is the emotional depth of his struggle and Havok's. They both have such a high emotional stake in the outcome of this battle. Havok seeks to both save his daughter and undo the deception that the Apocalypse Twins inflicted to destroy the Earth. Magneto seeks to save the entire mutant race and preserve his daughter's sacrifice. It's not a matter of Captain America shooting a Nazi in the brain stem. These are two individuals with actual, emotional weight to their battle. What a concept, right? Take note, Brett Ratner's of the world.

Another reason I regularly bust Havok's balls is because of how he treats Cyclops. He'll gladly throw him under the bus and conveniently forget about everything he ever did for the mutant race the moment the opportunity comes along. I get that brothers are supposed to rough house and I'm not saying that Cyclops hasn't given Havok a reason to hate him, but the way made a complete judgement on his brother after Avengers vs. X-men is so egregious that even Judge Judy would say it's bullshit. It has been a big problem for him in that it's hard to take him seriously or respect him when he can't capture a fraction of his brother's leadership and comes off as a major douche in the process.

That's why it's so satisfying when Cyclops decides to side with his brother and not Magneto. Even though he has plenty of reasons as well to save his world, he trusts that his brother knows what he's doing in undoing this future. It leads to a moment that should have happened way sooner. It took the destruction of an entire planet and some convoluted time travel plot, but the two brothers finally come together. It's an emotionally satisfying moment that's right up there with getting a kiss from Scarlet Johannsen. Even if it is overdue, it's very fitting and it makes me hate Havok just a little bit less, although I'm sure he'll find other reasons in the future/past.

Not all the emotions are so heartfelt. Some are only heartfelt in the same way a bar fight is heartfelt. That's not an entirely inaccurate metaphor either. The destruction of the Earth actually began with a bar fight between Apocalypse and Thor. That's what led to the use of Jarnbjorn, a powerful weapon that's impossible to pronounce while high, which is what Apocalypse used to kill a Celestial. Obviously, Thor is not happy that someone exploited his drunkenness. It's not quite as bad as date rape, but it's right up there. It would have been so nice to see Thor tear into Emin like Mel Gibson when he's off his meds. But then Kang cockblocks him, urging him to not make the same petty mistakes he made as a drunk. It's not bad advice. Besides, they didn't come there to re-enact bar fights. They came to free the rest of the Unity Squad. That doesn't mean Thor should follow that advice because that would mean denying us another epic battle.

So instead of an epic brawl between Thor and Emin, we get a not-so-epic moment between Kang and Emin. At this point in the story, it's almost easy to forget that this all began when Kang went back in time to take the Apocalypse Twins as infants. He planned to raise them and did a very shitty job because they didn't just turn on him. They destroyed the planet he was trying to conquer and utterly nullified his future. There are the kinds of shitty parents that let their kids play in a meth lab and then there's this. So we should expect Kang to give Emin the kind of spanking that would make masochists jizz in their pants, right?

Fuck no, that would make too much sense. Instead, Kang just scolds his adopted daughter. That's right, he just fucking scolds her the same way someone might scold their dog for taking a shit on their new carpet. He claims that he knew what she was doing the second she and her brother started doing it. And somehow, it served his purpose. I admit I get easily confused when I've had a few too many bong hits on a Wednesday morning, but how the fuck does destroying Earth and murdering a Celestial serve Kang's goals? Did he just need something new to jerk off to? That's never explained or even hinted at. So much of what has driven the Apocalypse Twins comes from their hatred of Kang. So why the fuck would their actions serve him? He's either trolling or just trying to mind-fuck her and everyone around her. I guess in that respect, he succeeded in part.

At least, there's still plenty of epic brawling to go around. Thor frees Wolverine and Sunfire, who have been imprisoned and tortured for decades. That makes Wolverine all too eager to murder Daken again and this time, there's no emotional strain behind it. At some point, a father has to understand that his kid has just become too much of an asshole. Even the most ardent pro-lifer would support Wolverine's effort at an extra-late term abortion. Sunfire does the same to Banshee, who is somewhat less an asshole. He's a horsemen so he's not exactly in the right frame of mind. But after decades of torture, Sunfire is pretty light on sympathy and it's hard to feel sorry for him or for the rest of Emin's forces. Not saying revenge is always justified, but sometimes it is appropriate and it will give me an erection. This is one of those times.

For whatever reason, Emin is still too shell shocked by Kang's trolling to do anything. She's still just off to the side, twiddling her thumbs while Kang prepares to undo everything she and her brother did. And she doesn't even have the support of the X-men anymore. When Kang's team of dimensionally displaced heroes gets outmatched by Magneto, Cyclops rallies the rest of the future X-men to oppose them. Even after decades of trusting Emin and being part of a world where he didn't have to lead mutants against armies of killer robots, he's still willing to take the X-men into battle against Magneto. That should bring tears of joy to the eyes of every X-men fan and everyone who hated X3. It makes for another emotional moment with him and Havok, showing that these two brothers are still capable of not annoying each other. For anyone who has ever dealt with an annoying sibling, this should strike all the right chords and even some of the wrong ones. But that's what makes it satisfying.

The emotions continue even as they escape Magneto and prepare to send themselves back to the past. They're not quite as heartfelt. Wasp still decks Kang and the asshole more than deserves it after taking her daughter. He still refuses, saying that they'll just have to trust him not to screw them over. For some reason, others like Sunfire have a problem with that. This same guy who unleashed the Apocalypse Twins in the first place is now their only hope to save their world. That alone should make them feel sicker than a vegetarian in Ted Nugent's trophy room. But they don't have a choice so they had better hope that Planet X has legal weed.

This is the biggest strength of this issue and this series. There are so many intense emotions involved. Let's face it, we can only see the Avengers beat up Kang so many times or see the X-men rough up Magneto so many times and still feel anything. I'm not saying it's impossible to jerk off to the same porno all the time, but a little variety is necessary to keep things interesting and adding these emotions to the mix really helps give the story weight, even though some of the details are lacking. We may live in a culture where being emotional means being labeled a pussy, but this is also a culture that made shows like the Jersey Shore and Duck Dynasty a success, so I'm not going to give it that much credit.

Beyond the threat of constant nausea, the plan is somewhat overly specific. They're supposed to transport their consciousness back to the time just before Rogue died and before the Scarlet Witch cast her spell. That makes sense. That was the moment where they crossed the point of no return in diving head first into the world ending shit storm. However, it's a pretty inefficient moment. I'm not sure if there are limitations to how far their minds can go back, but wouldn't it be a tad more efficient to just go back even further to when the Apocalypse Twins were still babies? How about when the Unity Squad first formed so they could all have a better reason to not hate each other? It's like going to a brothel and picking the girl most likely to be a transvestite serial killer. It's a bullshit risk that isn't sufficiently explained.

Once they're gone, the impact is pretty quick in a way that would have made Back to the Future a much less dramatic story. Everything around them starts to fade, returning to that vast oblivion that is the Marvel multiverse catalog of dystopian futures. Now I imagine not a lot of people who aren't Magneto will be really upset about the destruction of Planet X, but at least there was plenty of emotion thrown into the mix that makes it more than just another forgettable AU. This is a world where mutants are free and prosperous in a way that doesn't involve Magneto being a king or Apocalypse being an overlord. Sure, it was built on a lie that murdered every human, but it was still a prosperous world for mutants. Given how mutants must always be on the brink of extinction, I can't help but be a little sad to see it go. Oh well, I'm sure Marvel will create plenty more dystopian futures for mutants.

So once again, another semi-dystopian future is being erased utilizing the same method that Chris Claremont pioneered when Ronald Regan was still a fresh face. I can't say it's very creative, especially when a major movie just came out that did the same fucking thing. But unlike X-men: Days of Futures Past, Uncanny Avengers doesn't have the stench of X3, Wolverine Origins, Barakapool, and Brett Ratner holding it back. What does hold it back, however, is the lack of details.  And given how Days of Futures Past can't explain how the fuck Moira MacTaggart showed up at the end of X3, that's saying something. The battle between the future X-men and the future Brotherhood was undeniably epic and fitting. The emotions fueling the battle were incredibly potent as well. What's lacking is a better explanation as to what Kang was hoping to accomplish by royally fucking up the Apocalypse Twins or why the Uncanny Avengers don't go back even earlier to deal with this issue. I guess that would just make way too much sense. I know I always get suspicious when I wake up hung over with my pants on and my wallet and keys on my dresser. Even if there is an explanation, it's probably not satisfying enough to justify sending them back to a less emotional point in the story. That's the strength of Uncanny Avengers, building on the emotions and playing on them like Robert Pattinson at a Twilight convention. The strength of those emotions earn Uncanny Avengers #20 a 7 out of 10. The only way to make them stronger at this point would be for a Yankees fan to walking to Fenway Park and punch Ted Williams in the jaw. I don't think this story will go quite that far, but it feels like it's getting dangerously close to doing so. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #19

I’ve made my share of enemies over the years. Most of them involve ex-girlfriends, relatives and family of ex-girlfriends, and militant traffic cops that may or may not be conspiring against me with my ex-girlfriends. So I know the value of being able to stay a step ahead of those who would like to see me publicly crucified in Times Square. I’m not going to say it’s easy avoiding people and being on the run. I’ll just say that in an era where every dipshit with a phone thinks they’re a photographer, it’s getting increasingly difficult. So I can only imagine how difficult it is for Havok in Uncanny Avengers right now. He’s not just on the run from some pissed off father whose daughter now has handprints permanently affixed to her ass cheeks. He’s running from an entire fucking planet of mutants. The Earth is gone and Planet X is all that remains, courtesy of a massive Celestial conspiracy orchestrated by the Apocalypse Twins. Havok is trying to expose that conspiracy and fix the past. And somehow he managed to knock up Wasp in the process. He’s either really reckless or incredibly efficient. Now I have my share of criticisms of Havok. I still think he’s a douche, but any man who can manage to hook up with a beautiful woman while being a fugitive is okay in my book. That’s why I’m going to try and cut him some slack as I review Uncanny Avengers #19. I can’t guarantee that I’ll try very hard, but even a drunk is capable of making a concerted effort.

Effort or not, the circumstances are working against Havok in a major way. After destroying the Tachyon Dam in the previous issue, he has opened the door to undoing Earth’s destruction. And Eimin isn’t too keen on him undoing all her hard work and deceit. So she naturally uses more hard work and deceit to convince the X-Council to go after Havok. Who is the X-Council? It’s part X-men and part old fucks. It includes Magneto, Storm, Cable, Cyclops, Psylocke, and Jean Grey, who remarkably hasn’t gone Xorna on anyone. Guess separating her from all those annoying humans was therapeutic.

There is some good discussion here. Cyclops, Jean, Cable, and the rest of the Council don’t come off as total assholes and jump on the “Let’s kill Havok!” bandwagon. They’re reluctant because the idea that Havok may have a way to save the Earth does matter to them. Almost everyone is intrigued by the possibility, except for Magneto. He has just gotten too comfortable not having to deal with those pesky humans. While Planet X hasn’t turned Magneto into less of an asshole, it does show that the X-Council isn’t aware of what Eimin did to destroy the Earth in the first place. As far as they know, she’s just the one that saw it coming and worked with the Scarlet Witch to save the mutant race before it was too late. They have a lot of reasons to trust her is what I’m saying. If someone saved my house and all my beer and comics from a nuclear blast, I would gladly trust that person to operate on my balls.

Trust is a much bigger problem on Havok’s side. He’s stuck trusting Kang and a bunch of time displaced alternate characters that I wouldn’t trust to wash my car. But they all have something going for them. Their timelines got nullified by the Apocalypse Twins. They’re more than a little motivated to screw them over in ways that would give Rush Limbaugh a boner. But to do that, they can’t just go back in time in a Delorean and avoid boning their mother. They have to rip a page right out of Days of Futures Past and send their consciousness back. And Havok can’t do it alone either. He has to get the surviving members of the Unity Squad together and go back as a team. That way they all basically have a cheat guide with which to beat the Apocalypse Twins.

I’m normally not too fond of blatant rip-offs that aren’t porn parodies. I hope I’ve made that point abundantly clear on this blog with my hatred of Hope fucking Summers. But there are rare cases where I’m okay with certain plots and stories being recycled like a used beer bottle. Sometimes shit just works. In my experience new ideas just for the sake of new ideas is the first step towards some seriously dumb ideas. And when it comes to undoing the shit storm triggered by the Apocalypse Twins, there’s not much room for dumb ideas.

Havok is understandably reluctant to trust a bunch of dimensionally displaced assholes with his consciousness. That’s like trusting a hobo in Rio to do open heart surgery. Even his daughter, Katie Summers, is smart enough to know it’s a shitty idea. Kang even seems to show a little sympathy. It is a tough position, potentially sacrificing his daughter to save the billions of lives that were snuffed out on Earth. It’s an emotional moment that has the potential to make for a very emotional decision. Then Kang remembers that he’s an asshole and makes that decision for Havok.

In a dick move that’s right up there with getting the Earth destroyed, Kang takes Katie from Havok and disappears with her. He doesn’t give him any say in the matter. Havok has to trust these assholes with his consciousness and once the Earth is saved, he’ll return his daughter. I know I throw the term “dick move” around on this blog as much as any dick joke. But this really takes it to another level. It’s not enough that Kang is responsible for raising the Apocalypse Twins and turning them into the kind of assholes that blow up a fucking planet. He has to fuck with Havok’s daughter. He’s officially entered Brett Ratner territory in terms of being an asshole.

Havok is understandably pissed, especially at Thor for teaming up with this asshole. But at least now he’s motivated. He’s now like a pit bull that smells a steak hanging from a female pitbull’s ass. And his first task in unfucking the future is to rescue the Unity Team, which includes Sunfire and Wolverine. And boy does it suck to be these two. Since they know way too much about Eimin’s bullshit, she has kept them imprisoned and immobile. She even has Wolverine constantly being set on fire, probably just for shits and giggles. She even has Banshee and Daken guarding them. It presents more than a daunting challenge. It’s also somewhat of a plot hole.

Let me restate the situation in case anyone missed it. Wolverine and Sunfire survived the destruction of Earth. Eimin said that every mutant was saved that day. And she has kept them in a state of suspended animation and unending torment ever since without the X-Council knowing? I know Cyclops doesn’t like Wolverine that much, but he likes him enough to get drunk with him. He sure as hell wouldn’t appreciate Eimin doing this to him. And Storm has slept with the guy. She sure as hell wouldn’t appreciate it, even if Eimin is the savior of the mutant race. So how the hell has Eimin kept this from the X-Council all this time? Keep in mind, it contains two powerful telepaths in Jean Grey and Psylocke. I’m not saying she can’t keep a secret, but this is something that I imagine had to have crossed their minds at some point.

Eimin seems to understand this on some levels. She even reveals her plans to kill the X-Council won’t bother her about this issue. Not only that, she intends to frame Kang for their deaths so that she can essentially solidify her power on Planet X to a level that has never been achieved outside Donald Trump’s wet dreams. She even makes a very relevant observation when Daken points out that the mutants might not be too happy with seeing their X-men champions murdered. In a speech that would make Apocalypse himself gush with pride, she tells him that these mutants are like humans in that they’ll believe what makes them feel all warm and fuzzy inside rather than question it. It’s the primary foundation for every major religion and doomsday cult. It’s a dick move. But as the Pope himself can attest, it fucking works.

Havok goes to work trying to fuck up Eimin’s plans in the worst possible way and I can’t help but root for him. I know. I’m shocked and a little uncomfortable. But I’ve dealt with worse discomfort. I’ve sat through traffic court on a vacation. His first step is to take a team and free Wasp, who got captured in the previous issue. She’s part of the Unity Team as well so that means she has to have her consciousness sent back as well. It promises to be a dangerous mission. And this isn’t wholly wrong. It just happens in a way that for Havok probably feels like multiple kicks to the balls.

Wasp unexpectedly arrives at their pace, alive and in one piece. So just like that, their first mission is accomplished, right? Fuck no. She’s a human on a planet of mutants. That means she’s either bait or a zoo exhibit. And Cyclops, Magneto, and the X-Council are the ones doing the fishing and it fucking works. With Psylocke controlling Wasp, she leads them right to Havok and his team. They’re still under Eimin’s deception so they don’t know they’re being fucked over as well. They just know Havok is about to fuck up their peaceful mutant utopia.

The battle that follows is visceral, even if it isn’t quite as epic compared to other battles in this series. The bar gets raised pretty fucking high when some of those battles involve Celestials. There’s some nice firepower exchanged by Storm, 2099 Doom, and an asshole version of Psylocke that looks like my old algebra teacher. But the biggest fight is naturally between Cyclops and Havok.

Now this battle had the potential to be the same bullshit that has plagued every Havok/Cyclops battle since Avengers vs. X-men. Havok bitches and moans about Cyclops being a tyrant while Cyclops bitches and moans about Havok’s bitching. It could have easily been another case where Cyclops is made into a villain to cover for Havok’s bitching. But that isn’t necessarily the case here. It’s still there to some extent, but only for those who forget that Cyclops doesn’t know the truth about Eimin’s bullshit. He also doesn’t know that Eimin is planning to murder his ass and everyone else he cares about. That’s why rooting for Havok this time doesn’t make me want to throw up. I can save that shit for hangovers where it belongs.

But Cyclops vs. Havok Round 239 doesn’t go by fast enough for Magneto’s tastes. While Cyclops clearly holds back in fighting his brother, Magneto isn’t so sympathetic and not just because he’s not fond of going back to a time where he has to deal with bigoted humans again. The whole reason Planet X exists and thrives is because of the sacrifice that the Scarlet Witch made. Havok is looking to undo that and while Magneto may be a shitty father, he’s more than willing to defend her sacrifice. That means ripping Havok away from his battle with Cyclops and preparing to murder his ass right and be done with it. While I do root for Havok, I also sympathize with Magneto to some extent. Then I remember that I’m sympathizing with a guy who probably piss on the ashes of Earth and is okay with full blown murder. So that sympathy is more short-lived than Patton Oswald’s stint on Agents of SHIELD.

All the while, Eimin is watching this and probably resisting the urge to masturbate to it. The X-Council is basically doing their work for her and has no idea that she’s preparing to murder their ass. Even I have to admit that’s a pretty good plan, even if it is full with multiple dick moves. That doesn’t make it any less refreshing when Thor, Iron Man, an Abomination/Deathlok hybrid, and a version of Spider-Man with a kickass costume bust in before she can break out her vibrator. Few characters in the Marvel universe are more deserving of an ass-kicking than Eimin at this point. So seeing Thor stand over her, looking ready to hammer her head through her ass, just gives me wonderful feelings in my pants.

The biggest accomplishment of this comic is that it put a plan in place to undo the Apocalypse Twins’ bullshit. Sure, it blatantly ripped off Days of Futures Past. But if this story was going to rip off anything, it might as well rip off the second greatest X-men story of all time. The second biggest accomplishment of this comic is that it made me root for Havok without also making me want to throw up. And it isn’t just because now he has to save his daughter. Now he also has to save Cyclops, Storm, and everyone else on the X-Council from being murdered by Eimin. And the X-Council doesn’t know just how fucked they are. That makes Havok’s struggle sympathetic, but he’s still a douche. It’s not enough to overlook some of the larger plot holes. But I’ve seen bigger holes in Kristen Stewart’s acting. And these are holes that can be fixed easily in future issues. That’s why I give Uncanny Avengers #19 an 8 out of 10. Make no mistake. Eimin is basically becoming a sun-burned Apocalypse with boobs. Nice boobs can make people overlook many flaws, but not in this case. Putting boobs on an Apocalypse wannabe only demeans the sanctity of boobs. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #18

In the real world, conspiracy theories are as likely to be true as miracle cure for weight loss. Some people just can't accept the fact that the world is just way more boring than it is in their fantasies. These are the same people who watch Oliver Stone movies and think they're documentaries. They're probably the same people that watch porn and think the women don't fake their orgasms. That's part of why the unfolding story in Uncanny Avengers is so compelling and no, I'm not referring to fake orgasms. The Apocalypse Twins hatched a conspiracy to destroy the whole planet and transport every mutant to a new world without them knowing the truth. In the end they succeeded. Only Havok and Wasp know the truth. Every other mutant is probably content to accept that the human race just got tired of attacks by Thanos and cosmic birds and decided to off itself. Well now that conspiracy is set to unravel in Uncanny Avengers #18 with the arrival of Planet X. I just hope those same conspiracy buffs don't find some shitty way to link this story with the JFK assassination.

But the format of this story is not like a shitty Oliver Stone movie that takes way too many liberties with history. In addition, anyone who read the previous arc doesn't need Kevin Costner to go on some long-winded bullshit speech about grassy knolls and secret CIA operations. The conspiracy that led to Planet X is already well established. But most of the mutant population doesn't know this. They only know that a Celestial destroyed Earth and wiped its ass with the entrails. The official explanation is that Thor's balls just got bigger than his hammer and he got too drunk one night and picked a fight with the wrong Celestial. As a result, the entire fucking Earth got destroyed and all humans died with it.

Now all the mutants live in a comfortable, cozy utopia known as Planet X. There are no Sentinels hunting them down, no governments threatening to throw them into concentration camps, and no Fox News. It's practically paradise and it once again comes courtesy of the Scarlet Witch and her incredibly overpowered skills. I imagine most mutants are okay with not having to deal with us crazy humans anymore. But Havok, who knows how the Apocalypse Twins gave the finger to the Earth, the Celestials, and everything in between, is trying to undo it. Now years into the future as Planet X is now akin to a shitty Disney ride about the world of tomorrow, he's on the run for not embracing a world without humans. In addition, he's got some nice inner monologue as he's running through the crowds and none of them involve, "Bitch, get out of my way!" I guess he never walked through downtown Baltimore in the middle of a snowstorm. It doesn't reveal much. It just reveals he has a daughter and he's telling her how much he wants to undo the shit storm that the Apocalypse Twins unleashed. But first, he has to escape the likes of Blob, Pyro, and an old school Brotherhood of Mutants line-up. Except they call themselves X-Force. And they don't explain how the fuck Blob got his powers back either. Maybe he just went on a strict pig, steak, and cheesecake diet. Anyone who can go on that diet and not die of a heart attack has to be a mutant.

Yet despite his exceedingly unhealthy physique, Havok manages to evade Blob. He then blatantly rips off Star Wars Episode II by leaping out of a window and into a sea of flying cars. But I guess if he's going to rip off any Star Wars movie, it might as well be from one of the shitty prequels. It helps that Havok is a bit more sympathetic than Anakin Skywalker. Sure, he's been a bit of a douche over the course of Uncanny Avengers. But he's no Dearth Vadar. He keeps talking about his daughter and how being a hero in this instance means destroying this utopian world.

Now that may sound like a dick move and on some levels it is. If I were a little more drunk, I might actually root against him. But I'm only on my third shot of tequila so I can see why this does technically count as heroic. Havok knows, unlike every other mutant on Planet X, that this sweet little deal came at the expense of an elaborate practical joke that ended in mass genocide. The human race did nothing to deserve the bullshit judgment of the Celestials. It was all the Apocalypse Twins. And as nice as Planet X looks, it just isn't worth the death of 7 billion people. Maybe if it cost only Wyoming, South Dakota, and Afghanistan it might be worth it. But not 7 billion people.

In chasing down Havok, Blob reveals he probably went to a school in Texas that teaches creationism because he flat out fails a simple physics lesson when he jumps out after Havok. He probably thought just landing on Havok's squishy bones and flesh would cushion his fall. That or praying would turn off gravity. He probably didn't think that Wasp would show up and catch Havok before he became a nasty stain on Blob's ass. Even a douche like Havok doesn't deserve such a terrible fate. But in saving him, we also find out that Wasp is the last human alive. And of all the sexy mutants she could have hooked up with, she chose Havok. I don't claim to understand why women hook up with certain guys so I'll just assume alcohol is involved to some extent. I'll also assume that Havok at least inherited some of the power of Cyclops's penis. Wasp isn't Jean Grey or Emma Frost, but she's right up there on my list of female Avengers I want to see naked. So I'll give Havok points for that.

There's not much time for romance or even a mid-air quickie. In wake of Blob's failed physics test, Magneto shows up and he makes clear he's a man who didn't get his education from Pat Robertson. He's a bit older. He's sporting a Mel Gibson style beard now as well. Yet he doesn't look anywhere near as crazy. Rather than go on some anti-Semitic rant, Magneto shows his powers aren't broken anymore by whipping up a little metal storm. So that makes two instances where mutants affected by M-Day and Avengers vs. X-men somehow shrug off their side-effects. I know that's only a minor detail, but again I haven't had enough shots of tequila to make me overlook such details. It's not too jarring, but if a drunk like me notices then the sober crowd out there will probably notice as well.

The details may be lacking, but there are only so many details necessary for a chase scene. That's basically what this is. Instead of guns, this involves mutant powers and that's what makes it 10 times more awesome. At least they don't have to reload off-screen like they do in every Mission Impossible movie. With help from Wasp, Havok shows that his powers sure as hell aren't broken. He unleashes a nasty blast that probably gives Magneto one of those "I'm too old for this shit" moments. He even manages to get Toad caught in the crossfire. I guess that means that even on a mutant utopia, Toad is still a pussy.

Havok and Wasp buy time, but Blob is still not willing to let explosions or gravity stand in his way. I'm guessing this guy really hated physics class in school. I see why Bill Nye is so worried about shitty education now. But Blob has already proven to be more inept than a drunk storm trooper so it's really no contest now. Wasp goes to take him on while Havok tries to finish what she couldn't in the previous issue, which was to destroy the temporal dam that kept them from using any Back to the Future gimmicks to undo the Apocalypse Twins' handiwork. I imagine something like this would have been really handy for Age of Ultron, but hindsight is like a sobriety test. It only shows how fucked we are when it's too late.

Wasp is able to make quick work of Blob and even throw in a few fat jokes. Hell, I'm surprised she resisted for this long. But Havok ends up having to confront Magneto. And not surprisingly, he's not too keen on the idea of undoing this mutant utopia that his daughter died to create. I also imagine he's not too fond of having to deal with us annoying humans again. I can't say I blame him. One episode of Duck Dynasty is all it takes for a guy like him to be okay with mass planetary genocide. But Magneto shows that he still doesn't know the full story. He still buys into the whole "Thor fucked everyone over in a drunken stupor" story. Granted, that story is probably more believable than any of the shit involving the Apocalypse Twins, but Havok isn't buying it.

While it still amounts to a glorified chase scene, there is at least a touch of drama added into this struggle. It's hard to root against Havok or Magneto in this instance. Havok wants to undo a cruel, genocidal trick. Magneto wants to preserve this mutant utopia while making sure he never has to go back to a world of bigotry, prejudice, and reality TV. It's basically a "do the right thing" vs. "shit happens so let's make the most of it" type deal. I'm sure plenty of people would love to go back in time and kill Hitler. But that would mean we would have no awesome World War II video games and where would the world be without those?

That's another debate though. And there's not much debate here. Havok just shoots Magneto in the face and escapes. So the drama is somewhat muted. At least it highlights the inescapable fact that some people are perfectly fine with a world built on a foundation that includes mass genocide. But it doesn't stay completely muted. In blasting Magneto, Havok gets tossed around like a crack pipe at a Rick Jame concert. And while Magneto gets roughed up like a hooker at said Rick James concert, he manages to capture Wasp. That effectively ends the chase because now it's not necessary. Now Havok has a reason to come to him. This is why guys like Blob probably cheated off of guys like Magneto in high school. He works smarter and not harder. Hell, that's the old mantra of Enron and since there's no SEC in Planet X, I imagine it's not frowned upon.

With so much chasing mixed with explosions and fat jokes, the substance for the story thus far has been pretty light. Hell, it doesn't need to be that elaborate. Havok and Wasp are just trying to travel to the past so they can undo the shit that the Apocalypse Twins unleashed. They spend most of this issue trying to keep their asses intact with Havok's inner monologue providing most of the depth. But I imagine many unsober minds like myself probably overlook that monologue at times and focus on the pretty explosions and the pretty women in skin tight outfits. That means a little extra substance goes a long way.

A good chunk of Havok's monologue was addressed to his daughter. Well after escaping Magneto, he manages to catch up with his daughter, Katie. She basically lives a very Anne Frank existence, hiding with Beast who Havok is hoping can send him into the past. He fucked Father Time in the ass before when he brought the O5 to the future. I imagine he's okay with doing it again. But adding Havok's daughter to the mix adds in a bit more urgency. It's a tender moment in an issue that involves old men getting shot in the face and fat guys getting their asses kicked by Sir Isaac Newton's laws of gravitation. However, this tender moment is also somewhat muted because it's built on a relationship between Havok and Wasp that really isn't all that epic. Hell, these two only flirted a bit in past issues. They're not Marvel's new power couple. Their love isn't nowhere near the epic love story that made Stephanie Meyer filthy fucking rich. It's basically just put together for the sake of adding more drama. It works in this context. It's just not going to get anybody's heart racing like the sight of a baby playing with a kitten.

But drama and epic love stories aren't going to fix this shit storm that the Apocalypse Twins kicked up. The whole reason why they're working so damn hard to destroy the temporal dam is because their buddy, Immortus, has gathered an A-team of future Marvel heroes to travel back in time and kick a little Apocalypse ass. Well that might sound good on paper, but then again I'm sure making Battlefield Earth into a movie sounded like a good idea at some point as well. While they managed to destroy the dam this time, the help they get doesn't come from Immortus. It comes from fucking Kang the Conqueror. Havok might have been better off trying to get help from Magneto, but he's somewhat past that point. Kang was the one that took the Apocalypse Twins in the first place and turned them into fucked up little tyrants. Who else is in a better position to unfuck them in the worst possible way? Plus, he has Thor, 2099 Doom, and a whole host of future Marvel characters backing him up. Even on a world dominated by mutants with Magneto acting as its protector, that makes for a much fairer fight.

This issue is part Fast and the Furious, part Back to the Future, and part Mission Impossible. With a combination like that, it sounds like it has way too much potential not to be awesome. And don't get me wrong. It is awesome. It's the kind of comic that's easy to read while drunk, stoned, or strung out on these weird green pills I got from this guy in a hoodie outside a gay bar. What keeps it from turning this potential into liquid awesome that could be injected like a fresh batch of heroin is that is there's not as much substance to match the style. It's like heroin that has been cut with chalk instead of baking soda or sugar. I don't mind it being cut. Drug dealers need to make their money too. It just needs to be cut in the right way. And while this issue did mix in some nice moments of drama and heart, it didn't do so in a way that will get anybody's panties wet. I give Uncanny Avengers #18 a 7 out of 10. But for those whose panties are soaked by the thought of extended chase scenes and fat guys getting roughed up, that score might be higher. Then again, style over substance that involves shit blowing up and fat guys getting humbled sounds downright American in some respects. So I guess only those who are true patriots or from Texas will get downright horny from this. Nuff said!