Strength In Numbers With Youthful Idealism: Champions #16

The following is my review of Champions #16, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Any gambler not named Remy Lebeau knows there's a time to fold, a time to double down, and a time to re-evaluate one's bluffing skills. So long as they're not down to their last penny, it's usually wise to know when the odds just aren't favorable anymore. Young superheroes, especially those still in their teenage years, face greater odds than most. At the same time, however, they have the benefit of not being too jaded to throw away their ideals the same way Peter Parker claims to give up being Spider-Man every now and then.

Youth may inspire the kind of wide-eyed optimism that makes most jaded adults roll their eyes. However, that's exactly what makes teams like Champions so endearing. They live in a world where adult superhero teams have waged a civil war on one another twice. They regularly see established heroes like Captain America fall prey to sinister influences like Hydra while villains like Magneto somehow manage to operate with some semblance of credibility. These are some pretty mixed messages, especially for impressionable youth.

Mark Waid and Hamberto Ramos don't shield the members of the Champions from those messages. In fact, confronting those heroic inconsistencies of the modern Marvel universe is a major theme of Champions, as well as a major appeal. This cast of younger, less jaded heroes want to cling to those superhero ideals that seemed to go out of style since the Frank Miller era. The world around them isn't making that easy. If anything, that world keeps upping its bets and skewing the odds.  

Champions #16 has these idealistic young heroes respond by having them go on a recruitment run. Considering the events of previous issues, which included crossovers and clashes with the far less idealistic adult Avengers, it comes off as strange, if not too soon. From the perspective of young, teenage heroes who cling ardently to their idealism, though, it makes perfect sense. Tragedy and drama may hit adults and teenagers equally hard, but teenagers will often find more creative ways of dealing with it. Those ways aren't always healthy or rational, but that's exactly what makes them endearing.

The tragedy and drama in this case has to do with the recent upheavals surrounding Viv Vision. Even by advanced android standards, she's in a strange position. After the Champions and Avengers' recent clash with the High Evolutionary, there are now two versions of her, one human and one android. It's an identity crisis that's unprecedented, even in a world full of clones and shape-shifting aliens. Neither version is able to make sense of the situation. Viv's teammates don't fare much better.

There's now a sense in Champions that the team is more vulnerable than it was when it began. It's not just because one of their members is a time traveler who could trigger a paradox with one bad decision. The events surrounding Viv painfully demonstrate that there are times when the team becomes fractured. There are moments when personal dramas hinder the team's ability to function. It's a problem adults face too, but adults are more inclined to stick with what works and preserve the past. Teenagers, not having much of a past to begin with, look to the future.

That's the underlying theme of the narrative that Waid crafts in Champions #16 and Ramos' colorful visuals make it feel optimistic, despite the dramatic circumstances. Despite the seriousness of these circumstances, Waid preserves the light-hearted, upbeat tone that gives Champions much of its appeal. Throughout the story, the fact that these are still teenagers never becomes lost. They see what happens to their friend. They don't make light of it, but they still move forward.

That part of the story works to the extent that it lays the foundation for more interactions between the Champions and other young heroes. While Viv heals, their recruiting run leads them to cross paths with the likes of Moon Girl, Red Locust, Iron Heart, and Patriot. Some of these characters have crossed paths with the Champions before. Like the Champions, though, they respond to the message because they too lack the jaded mentality that plagues older heroes.

It's a golden opportunity for young heroes to come together and remind older heroes that there's still room for the kind of wide-eyed idealism that most superheroes lose in their first year. Unfortunately, little of that opportunity is realized in Champions #16. The recruitment run does get off to a good start, but there's not much depth beyond just interacting with other young heroes. Some, like those with Moon Girl, fit the spirit and character of the story. Others, like the moments with Iron Heart, don't really contribute much.

That lack of depth is partially due to the unfolding side-plot surrounding Viv. In many respects, this plot carries with it much heavier drama. Viv's identity crisis and sense of self are in flux. There's a lot of internal conflict that plays out in between interactions with her android self and Vision. Some of it still echoes with the kind of teenage melodrama that is so distinct of Champions. Most of it, though, comes off as detached narration.

The intent is clear throughout the story, both with Viv Vision and the Champions' recruitment drive. It's the execution that leaves much to be desired. Both elements of the story have the right dynamics, but both end up feeling incomplete. It gives the impression that the story needed to be at least twice as longer for the necessary elements to play out. It makes Champions #16 feel somewhat truncated, even if the potential is still there.

The idealism and appeal of Champions never wanes, even in light of major upheavals, both personal and circumstantial. That remains one of the greatest strengths of the series. It's realizing the potential of the various plots and sub-plots that keep it from having the kind of impact that teenagers and adults alike can appreciate. Even if both are destined to end up jaded, the appeal of the idealism espoused by young heroes remains as strong as ever.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

Gender-Neutral Awesome: A-Force #1

The following is my review of A-Force #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There was once a time when the epitome of girl power was the Spice Girls. Take the same pre-packaged, heavily processed concoction that created boy bands and use women instead. Somehow that’s supposed to celebrate all things feminine. To be fair, that was the late 90s. It was a time when Nicholas Cage was still considered an A-list actor and the concept of strong female characters was limited to characters played by Sigourney Weaver.

Now the concept of strong female characters has become a mainstream concept and A-Force #1 is put in a position to capitalize on that concept. The timing couldn’t be better. Marvel has been the championship surfer riding the wave of female characters that have risen to prominence in recent years. Characters like Batgirl, Captain Marvel, Black Widow, and Kamala Khan have shown that they can carry their own weight without having to dress like Emma Frost. With Secret Wars in full swing, there’s enough chaos and confusion to do something different that doesn’t involve just flipping the boy band formula.

Battleworld has created a new environment for female characters from multiple eras to come together for a singular struggle. It’s an environment where every character is free of baggage, reduced to their purest form. It’s like taking football players from multiple eras and putting them on the same team when they’re playing at an all-pro level. It has every conceivable detail to work with. And in A-Force #1, the result is rich in substance yet incomplete in scope.

The domain of Arcadia is by far the most appealing locale in Battleworld to date. It’s a land that is devoid of zombies, killer robots, or evil clones. In the context of the Marvel universe, it might as well be an endangered species. It feels like a world that might actually be worth living in and not just because it’s protected by a team of beautiful women. In fact, the concept that Arcadia is protected by a team of women is almost secondary. The story never focuses on it or uses it to make a statement of sorts. It’s just how Arcadia functions. It may upset the Rush Limbaugh’s of the world, but few others will really notice it.

This in and of itself is an important accomplishment. By not focusing on gender, the story isn’t about a domain that’s protected by a team of superpowered women. It’s about a domain whose protectors just happen to be superpowered women. Their gender is a non-issue. They don’t do anything that a team of male heroes wouldn’t. They police their world, look out for one another, and develop close friendships. And they do this without coming off as a Sex in the City re-run.

Beyond the accomplishment, the story has the same themes and conflicts as other domains of Battleworld. It doesn’t matter that Arcadia is peaceful and protected by a team of women. It’s still subject to the same rules imposed by Dr. Doom. That means that when one of them breaks a rule, they suffer the same consequences. In this story, it’s Miss America who runs afoul of Dr. Doom’s rules. And when it comes to his rules, Dr. Doom practices strict gender equality. That alone puts him above 90 percent of the countries on Earth, which is a disturbing thought.

Like other residents of Battleworld, Miss America learns the hard way that Dr. Doom doesn’t like it when one domain encroaches on another. It’s not just for invasions either. Miss America threw a dead shark over the shields dividing their domains. That counts as an extreme version of littering and Dr. Doom is as strict as Singapore when it comes to that policy.

It leads to an emotional struggle within A-Force. They know the rules like everyone else. They try to protect their friend from the consequences. They don’t succeed. They don’t get special treatment. They don’t even try to flirt their way out of it. Miss America still has to pay for her crimes and it weighs heavy on her friends. It’s a toll that’s actually more compelling than a giant shark attacking Arcadia. It’s a nice change of pace, but it’s also part of the primary flaw in this story.

The conflict is triggered by an attack from a giant shark. It’s a conflict that is only slightly more engaging than the last Sharknado movie. While it does give A-Force a chance to show what they can do as a team, it lacks the kind of epic scale that has helped make Secret Wars feel like a multi-dimensional royal rumble. It’s practically glossed over. It’s basically a teaser trailer to the emotional struggle involving Miss America, minus the bad one-liners and annoying voice-overs.

That’s not to say the shark attack was completely without merit. It’s an issue that A-Force seeks to investigate. It’s an investigation that also coincides with the unexpected arrival of another female character. However, the connections are limited and the flow of events gets somewhat choppy. It’s like watching the Godfather on cable with poorly timed commercials interrupting the narrative.

Flaws aside, A-Force #1 creates an appealing, engaging world that’s worth exploring. It’s not some grand utopian vision where women rule the world and all is well. It’s not some dystopian horror where an army of Don Drapers rule either. It’s a world that offers fertile ground with which to explore these female characters, minus convoluted romantic entanglements and radical feminist undertones.

This is also a world where the strength of women takes center stage and they do it without denigrating men. On paper, it shouldn’t feel like such a novel concept. Maybe it says something about both genders when something so refreshing also feels so unfamiliar. It’s not that the idea of strong female characters not having to beat up arrogant male characters is new. It’s just that someone finally took the time to tell that story in a way that all genders can appreciate.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #25

We've all been on road trips where we know we're driving into a big fucking storm that's looming over the horizon. We look at it the same way we look at pigeons coming out of a car wash. We know it's coming and we know it's going to piss us off, but we have to keep driving. It's not always possible to wait it out. We're either short of gas or owe way too much money to a Tijuana brothel. Both the X-men and Avengers are on such a trip and the storm in question came directly from the asshole of the Red Skull. It's been teased, taunted, and tempted since Uncanny Avengers began, but it's finally happening in the form of an event called Avengers and X-men: AXIS. The Red Skull has gone full Nazi on the mutant race. He's already taken Magneto. Now Rogue, Havok, and the Scarlet Witch are getting a taste of authentic Nazi style torment in a classic Nazi concentration camp. Uncanny Avengers #25 promises to finally stop with the teasing and give us our first glimpse of some real titties. I know Marvel hasn't always delivered on their teases, but I'm always willing to give them a chance just as I'm always willing to give titties a chance.

There's really no teasing with the Red Skull though. This guy is a total uber-Nazi. He's not subtle about how much of an asshole he's willing to be. He showed up in the previous issue just as Havok, Rogue, and the Scarlet Witch rescued Magneto from his death camp. He makes it an obscenely unfair fight, exploiting the powers of Charles Xavier to mind-fuck fuck them into submission. It's like winning a game with cheat codes, but then again that has never bothered a Nazi before so why should it bother the Red freakin' Skull?

But it's not enough to just win easy with a TKO via telepathy. Magneto still has his helmet, ensuring he stays coherent enough for the Red Skull to troll him in the worst possible way. He practically covers his dick in steak sauce and waves it in front of a hungry grizzly, taunting Magneto at how he's going to use the Scarlet Witch to create his Eternal Reich, which is basically the kind of Reich that Hitler would want if someone gave him a barrel of crystal meth and a hit of LSD. He even has the balls to demand that Magneto bow in submission in exchange for keeping his daughter's mind (mostly) intact. It's a given that he'll never keep his promise, but the fact he has the balls to even pose such an option demonstrates the kind of Nazi he really is.

Magneto's response is expected. He doesn't make deals with Nazi assholes. He lets the Red Skull rough him up just enough to keep him distracted so he can use Ahab's metal spear to fuck up his already fucked up face. I want to say it's satisfying. But seriously, who the hell brings metal weapons to any battle against Magneto? The guy was standing right there. It's like giving a pile of cocaine to the Grateful Dead. What the fuck did they think was going to happen?

By breaking the Red Skulls concentration, Havok, Rogue, and the Scarlet Witch are free and ready to kick some Nazi ass. To this point, they've all had their assess handed to them by the Red Skull's S-men. I like to call them Nazi X-men, but that's just me. They've all done plenty to deserve the kind of ass-kicking that should only be reserved for the O.J. Simpsons and Scott Petersons of the world and like Bristol Palin's last period, they're overdue. It's not that terribly epic and it's not as one-sided as many probably wish it were, but it feels more balanced than any battle with the S-men to date and that's saying something.

It really doesn't end up needing to be epic. In fact, it really doesn't try to be because a much greater is established when the Scarlet Witch begins to narrate the scene. It's actually even more overdue than the S-men getting their asses kicked, having the Scarlet Witch offer a little insight. So much of this shit storm began when she lost her shit. Her perspective matters a whole hell of a lot when they've been dealing with the aftermath since George W. Bush's second term. Her perspective here gives some powerful weight to the fight, exploring how she hates being around her father and how she hates the effect she has on him. She knows what he wants to do to the Red Skull and everyone like him and she while she understands why he wants to do it, she would rather not become as fucked up as he is. Just being around him is too damn tempting to be that kind of an asshole. It's like me being around fireworks when I'm drunk. Nothing good comes of it.

Well no amount of fireworks can do the damage that the Scarlet Witch endures when she comes face-to-face with something that actually puts her on the same page as her father. No woman with severe daddy issues ever likes to be too understanding of their, but witnessing Nazi atrocities can nullify a lot of those issues. She gets a look at the kind of mind-raping torture that the Red Skull is subjecting to mutants and just like that, this becomes a Sunday picnic with her and her father. Except this is a picnic where they get to kill Nazis. That's a pretty awesome picnic.

This effectively drops napalm on a forest fire because it pisses the Scarlet Witch off enough to make the battle against the S-men as unbalanced as we all wish it had been from the beginning. For a while, it had been a stalemate with only Ahab throwing a few quips at Rogue, no doubt out of anger that he won't show him her tits. But once Magneto and the Scarlet Witch enter the fight again, the S-men might as well be trying to win a fight against the 1985 Bears armed only with a feather duster and a dildo. I'm not going to say it's as satisfying as I hoped it would be. I'll just say that it's still possible to jerk off to for anyone without too much whiskey in their system.

Again, the Scarlet Witch's insight into this struggle is what really gives it some emotional weight. She muses about how much hatred Magneto deals with and how much it affects her. She even feels tempted to try and calm him down before he starts to make the Hulk feel inferior. But against the S-men and the Red Skull, she holds back and allows Magneto to be the kind of Nazi-killing badass he strives to be. Sure, it makes him the kind of guy nobody wants to be around on a bad day, but it does ensure that Nazis and their buddies have something to fear and I think that's a fair trade-off.

Once the Scarlet Witch helps him rough up the S-men enough, Magneto defeats them as only he can. It's not as bloody or as brutal as it could've been. Then again, he's not a Nazi so that much is to be expected. With the S-men out of the way, he turns his attention to the Red Skull. Now with this, he could take all the metal within a 10 mile radius and force it up the Red Skull's ass while forcing him to watch a Justin Beiber concert. That would be pretty fitting for a Nazi of his caliber. Or Magneto could just beat the living shit out of him with his fists and enjoy the satisfying feeling of beaten Nazi flesh on his hand. Both would be equally satisfying, but he choose the latter and it's a beautiful sight. A Nazi getting the shit punched out of him by someone they tormented is almost on the level of 100 nude pictures of Jennifer Lawrence. Almost, being the key word there.

It's so satisfying that Havok, Rogue, and the Scarlet Witch don't try to stop him at first. But the Scarlet Witch, who understands her father's rage better than anyone, does attempt to keep him from going overboard. It sounds like a crazy notion, somebody going overboard when beating up the ultimate Nazi. But the Scarlet Witch sees in her father someone who just loves doing the right thing for all the wrong reasons. He claims he's doing this to avenge Charles Xavier, but it's painfully clear that he just loves beating the shit out of Nazis. While that's completely understandable, it doesn't make him much better than 99 percent of the guys who ever played a game of Wolfenstein.

Even after getting beaten up, the Red Skull continues to troll Magneto in ways most people wouldn't even do on a Fantasy Football message board. He goes so far as to say that Xavier's greatest fear was that he would die and leave the X-men in his care. He just had that little faith in him. So the Scarlet Witch really has no chance at stopping him from shutting the Red Skull up by crushing his fucking head with a pile of bricks. Sure, it disappoints his daughter and would probably make Charles Xavier cry. But fuck if it isn't more satisfying than a bag of cocaine and a three-way with a couple of Playboy playmates in Charlie Sheen's room.

Nobody is really that surprised by what Magneto did. Hell, if anything I think they're surprised he didn't beat up the Red Skull a little longer so he could really enjoy it. But they're still disgusted and horrified. It could be argued that he's no better, using this kind of violence and brutality to stop assholes like the Red Skull. I still think an exception needs to be made for Nazis on the level of the Red Skull. There's only so much non-violent hippie crap can do against a guy who likes to bathe in the blood of minorities and jerk off on their corpses. But because of the Scarlet Witch's musings, it has all the right emotional impacts. It's not just Magneto beating a Nazi to death. It's an insight into just how much Nazi atrocities have fucked him up and everyone he loves.

It could've made for a somewhat inglorious end to this latest Nazi atrocity, but that just wouldn't be fitting enough for someone as cunning or as ballsy as the Red Skull. Despite having his head crushed and his S-men defeated, the Red Skull is still in a perfect position to kick up a Nazi-style shit storm. In fact, he's in an even better position than before because for some reason, Magneto beating him to death awakened Onslaught. That's right, this much maligned relic from the 90s has returned, minus the shitty boy bands and dial-up internet. And now he's armed with the Red Skull's Nazi-style douche-baggery. It's essentially the first shot for AXIS, Marvel's next big crossover event. And after facing the Red Skull in Onslaught form, I'm sure everyone in the Marvel universe will miss battling Thanos.

This issue did something important that the last issue probably should've done. It explored the pants shitting horror of Nazi atrocities from the Scarlet Witch's perspective. We already know how Magneto feels about Nazis. We already know how he deals with atrocities the same way the Hulk deals with anger issues. But the Scarlet Witch, who makes clear on multiple occasions that she doesn't want to wade into her father's Nazi-hating douche-baggery, is someone who has never had to confront Nazi level bullshit. Now she has and it helped make this story feel both satisfying and gripping. Plus, she finally beat the shit out of the S-men and those assholes were due.

The ending made it kind of pointless because it just did exactly what the Red Skull wanted, but that didn't make the emotions and the impact less meaningful. It still gets me very horny for the events of AXIS and I think the appearance of the new Red Skull/Onslaught design should have everybody seeking a clean pair of underwear. I give Uncanny Avengers #25 an 8 out of 10. The Scarlet Witch has finally learned the same lesson that Magneto and every Battlefield player has already learned. Nazis are assholes and it's okay to get really pissed off at them, so long as she doesn't tear reality another asshole, this might be the healthiest way to deal with her many issues that don't involve therapy and overpriced prescription drugs. Be that as it may, I still think weed would be better for her. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #24

Few things unite people more than being stuck in a situation where they’re all equally fucked. It’s remarkable how quickly petty differences disappear when everybody is facing the same shit storm. It’s only when that shit storm finally reaches them that they realize it stinks for everyone, no matter what the color of their skin is or who they want to bone. When I look at the Uncanny Avengers, I see a team that could never have found a way to get along if they hadn’t had a common enemy to battle in the Red Skull or the Apocalypse Twins. They proved early on that there’s a damn good reason why the X-men and Avengers didn’t mingle all that much and it’s not just because Tony Stark can’t be trusted around mutant women like Emma Frost.

They function so differently and deal with such different struggles. In wake of Kang’s recent attack, they’ve had to come together in ways they never would have been able to do through team-building exercises and softball games. Now that the Red Skull is set to unleash some old school Nazi style shit storms, they can’t afford to be petty again. I’m sure that’s not going to stop them though. Uncanny Avengers #24 throws a new wave of shit in their direction and I’m as about as confident as I am in their ability to handle it as I am in Comcast’s customer support.

Almost as annoying as Comcast’s customer service is Havok’s bitching and moaning. It has been a major factor, and at times a major detriment, to Uncanny Avengers since it began. But at least this time he has a good reason to brood. He lost his daughter. He got his face fucked up. And he gets a rather nasty reminder when he’s doing something as simple as going to the grocery store. Given all the advanced alien technology the Avengers have, I would have thought they had something that would unfuck his face. I guess they just reserve that for real Avengers and not mutants. Fucking racists.

Havok ends up getting even more reasons to brood because after a woman and her kid get all awkward and uncomfortable at seeing his face, he gets attacked in an alley by one of the S-men. It’s not much of a clash really. There’s little action and given his current state, I can’t take any perverse satisfaction in him getting beat. I guess that shows some progress in that I feel sorry for Havok, but it still severely hinders any possible excitement from this scene, which might as well be cut and pasted from the last two Taken movies.

Things are a bit more pleasant with Wolverine, Rogue, and the Scarlet Witch. Now I never thought I would use the word “pleasant” in the same sentence that has both Rogue and the Scarlet Witch after how they clashed early in in Uncanny Avengers. I guess it shows just how much they’ve progress as well. That or the presence of beer helps to keep things calm. I’m going to say it’s a little of both, but give more credit to the beer.

This conversation also helps establish that this is taking place after Wolverine has lost his healing factor. Uncanny Avengers is unfashionably late to the party in that respect. He’s been without his healing for a long time now Uncanny Avengers couldn’t really use that because it had such a long ass arc. Late or not, Wolverine does make some very important points. He basically admits he’s no longer fit to carry out Xavier’s legacy. He’s a guy who murdered his own son. He’s not exactly an inspiration of peace and understanding. Someone else needs to pick up the slack and why not two beautiful women? Who can wage war and hatred against two beautiful women? Besides, Rush Limbaugh that is. The first step in that process, of course, is to kill the Red Skull.

It leads to another nice moment between Rogue and Wolverine that doesn’t feel overdue for once. Wolverine takes a moment to comfort Rogue after having lost control of her powers again. He does this before he runs off, presumably to take part in all the shit he got himself into after he lost this healing. Unlike many of the other emotional moments in Uncanny Avengers, this one feels genuine. It harkens back to the kinds of emotions Rogue often dealt with when she was sassier, sexier, and not afraid to show off her ass. It almost made me miss the 90s. Then I remembered that the 90s also had no internet porn or Netflix and I quickly got over it.

Rogue is definitely in a vulnerable place now. She’s lost control of her powers, can’t touch, and has to rely on the Scarlet freakin’ Witch to fix her. And she has to go through all of this without the guidance of Charles Xavier. It’s not a pleasant place to be in. Naturally, the Red Skull and the S-men are eager to make it worse. So after Wolverine leaves and Rogue starts remembering all the ways Xavier helped her, the S-men show up to ruin her day even more.

Again, there’s no action here. There’s no clash or struggle. They just show up and the fight is over. I get that the S-men are getting the jump on them, but that doesn’t mean they have to go down after one fucking punch. Even a drunk gets a swing in after someone breaks a beer bottle over their head. It only serves to make the story choppy and dull. Besides, I think someone like Rogue is more capable than a typical drunk.

That’s not to say the lack of action leads to nothing of value. As soon as Rogue gets knocked out, she starts having crazy dreams of herself back home in Mississippi before she started running around in skin-tight outfits. It should be a nice, pleasant place before she wakes up in whatever hell the Red Skull has created for her. But then the brainless corpse of Charles Xavier shows up. I know he’s supposed to be dead. I know Marvel has made it clear that Charles Xavier is dead, but only in the sense that Bill Clinton made clear that he didn’t bone an intern. Xavier’s mind is still somewhat present and he’s able to use what’s left of it to warn Rogue what the Red Skull is up to. He also reminds her that she still has Wonder Man inside her in a completely non-sexual way. The Red Skull probably isn’t prepared for that shit and she better use that to her advantage because Nazis like him don’t offer much. It’s still a disturbing conversation, talking to a brainless Xavier. I imagine it’s still less disturbing than a conversation with Glenn Beck.

When Rogue wakes up, she’s chained to the wall with Havok and the Scarlet Witch within the Red Skull’s mutant concentration camp. Even with a warning from the astral ghost of Charles Xavier, I imagine that’s pretty disturbing. It’s never pleasant to wake up chained to anything that isn’t within Megan Fox’s bedroom. For that reason, Rogue doesn’t hesitate to take Xavier’s advice. With Wonder Man’s strength, she busts out and frees her friends. Right now, that strength is the only advantage they have. They’re in a concentration camp on Genosha run by the Red Skull, who has the telepathic power of Charles Xavier. In that sense, it really isn’t much of an advantage.

A Nazi concentration camp is as unpleasant as they would expect. Anyone who read Magneto #8 isn’t going to be too surprised, but they’ll still be pretty sickened. There’s really no joke or comment I can say about a Nazi concentration camp. It’s as dark as can be without an Oscar winning movie being involved.

Speaking of Magneto #8, there’s also another nice act of convergence that isn’t overdue like so many have been. As Havok, Rogue, and the Scarlet Witch are making their way through the camp, they find Magneto, who was captured at the end of that issue. It’s not the smoothest convergence, but it’s still satisfying because it also shows Magneto telling Mzee, an oversized Ninja Turtle knock-off, to fuck off. It also gives them someone else with plenty of power and motivation to take down the Red Skull. Since I’ve already pointed out that Rogue’s Wonder Man strength is hardly enough, I think this makes them a little less fucked. They’re still fucked overall, but not as much as before.

Freeing Magneto had all the makings of a powerful moment. However, that moment falls painfully flat. Here Magneto is, in a concentration camp and reunited with one of his daughters, and nothing really comes of it. It’s the exact opposite of the moment Rogue shared with Wolverine. Now I don’t blame them for focusing on the Red Skull, but there’s no effort to really make this a family conflict. Magneto just gets pissed when they talk about escaping and summoning the Avengers. Magneto, not one to leave anyone stuck in a concentration camp, has a problem with that for obvious reasons. It has all the conditions to be a tense, emotional moment. But it doesn’t turn out that way. It only makes the story feel more choppy, which is not good for anyone who mixes comics with weed.

It gets a little more concise when the Red Skull shows up while they’re bickering. I imagine he didn’t even need telepathy to sense it. Again, someone gets the jump on them and no action comes of it. That limits the potential for awesome in many ways. At the same time, the fact that this issue is billed as a prelude limits it as well. It’s supposed to be a precursor to the AXIS crossover, which means it’s pretty much a given they’re not going to beat the Red Skull. I know that would be a given in most stories, but this just makes it feel too predictable. When even a stoner can predict how the story is going to play out, it severely limits the excitement. Nobody’s panties are getting soaked after reading this.

I found it oddly refreshing to see how the events of this issue converged with events that unfolded in Magneto’s solo series. It’s the kind of convergence that, like a nude scene in a movie with Megan Fox, is as rare as it is beautiful. Other parts of convergence, like Wolverine losing his healing, were way overdue. But when it doesn’t involve a woman’s period, I’m okay with this sort of thing being late. The overall flow of the story was still choppy and flat, but not so much that it’s impossible to enjoy, even with a sober mind. That’s why I give Uncanny Avengers #24 a 6 out of 10. I know they’re not going to beat the Red Skull before AXIS kicks in. I know Havok is still going to find a way to fuck this up. But if it’s a story that leads to Rogue kicking ass or Magneto torturing a Nazi, I’ll gladly jump aboard the AXIS train and right that motherfucker to the end. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #23

When it comes to comics, I sometimes have to approach them the same way I would approach a dominatrix. I know there are times when it's going to hurt, but there will also be times when it feels awesome. The challenge is sticking it out and holding on. Okay, maybe that's not the right figure of speech I should use, but it's somewhat relevant. In the same way Peyton Manning can be good for a hundred games and choke in the Superbowl, some comics can be awesome for months on and and end up taking a nose dive into a mountain of pig shit. I won't say Uncanny Avengers got that bad at the end of the Apocalypse Twins arc. I'll just say that I needed to burn a little extra incense than usual. But I still see plenty of potential in this series. Like a dominatrix with an awesome boob job, I'm willing to endure a little more. Uncanny Avengers #23 is the first issue to take place after the Apocalypse Twins arc. Rogue, Captain America, and the Scarlett Witch are alive again. Havok is still a douche, but he's way ahead of Hank McCoy after kicking Kang the Conqueror's ass. For that reason alone, I'm willing to apply a little extra lube and burn even more incense in anticipation.

The lube definitely comes in handy early on because there are definitely some plot holes to squeeze through and not in the way that is usually accomplished on the set of a gay porno shoot. It's perfectly understandable on paper. After taking on a Celestial and ripping off X-men Days of Futures Past to beat Kang, some of the Unity Team take a vacation. Nobody would blame them at all for spending a month in Tahiti drinking martinis from a hot tub full of rum. It's when they return that the extent to which Kang fucked them up starts getting confusing.

When they arrive, Captain America has somehow aged into a Martin Sheen rip-off. And Wolverine, who may or may not still have his healing factor, is somehow okay despite now having a shitty haircut. There's no explanation other than Kang just really fucked them up that good. It's like the blackout part of getting drunk and waking up with a tattoo in Chinese that nobody wants translated. It forces drunks like me to make way too many assumptions and as someone experienced in blackouts, that can be dangerous. That's not to say some parts don't make sense. Those that got directly fucked up by Kang, namely Rogue, Havok, Sunfire, and Banshee, are too fucked up to go on a vacation and the Avengers are trying to find ways to unfuck them. It's still confusing, but at least this blackout doesn't result in a nasty hangover.

There's some nice discussions here with Wasp, the Scarlet Witch, and Cap. Rather than use this as an excuse to retire early, they all seem to want to dust themselves off from this latest scrap with Kang. For some like Wolverine, who still may or may not have his healing factor, that's no harder than sleeping in the next day and taking a few cold showers. But for Sunfire, who became a disembodied hunk of fire thanks to Kang, a few showers and some bed rest just ain't gonna cut it.

For Havok, whose face now looks like he tried to go down on a porcupine, he needs a different kind of healing. First off, he's going to need that and a damn good plastic surgeon. But since he's a Summers, he could probably still get laid way more than most men. He also gets to reunite with Wasp in a moment that would be much more emotional if their entire relationship wasn't built around time travel. Their relationship is still being portrayed as more epic than it really is, which is probably the biggest plot hole of this whole story. But with enough lube, it still goes a long ways to help him heal and convey the right emotions. I still think a plastic surgeon would have been more helpful.

But the one who is most fucked up and most hung over from the party with Kang is Rogue. She was the one who had to go toe-to-toe with a fucking Celestial. In doing so, she had to absorb a fuckton of powers. That's like taking all the hard liquor on the top shelf of a bar, pouring it into a bucket, and chugging it in one gulp. It might sound badass, but it'll fuck anybody up no matter how powerful they are. For Rogue, that means Wonder Man is stills trapped inside her. And while this means she now has to worry about a guy always watching when she's taking a shit, it also means she can't touch anymore.

Now this should sound familiar to anyone who stayed sober in the 90s. This is exactly the same shit that Rogue went through when she absorbed Ms. Marvel's powers. She was super strong, super vast, and super sexy. However, she couldn't control her powers enough to touch. She probably remembers how much it sucked, only being able to have an intimate relationship with her shower head, and gets pretty pissed off. For someone who survived a fight against a Celestial, it's a unfair on the scale of the Saudi Arabian legal system. It's also pretty inane in that this shit has been done. And even though I wasn't entirely sober for a good chunk of the 90s, I really don't think this same story needs to be told again.

That's not to say that Rogue's struggle isn't compelling. There's a lot more emotion and depth put into this than the Havok/Wasp romance. It also isn't just Rogue who's struggling. Wonder Man is still trapped in her mind and as much as he enjoys being stuck in the body of a beautiful woman with a great rack, he probably prefers a form where he can effectively bang the Scarlet Witch. He's now just another voice in her head. He attempts to calm her down while she throws a classic 90s hissy fit. It almost made me want to break out my Nirvana and Pearl Jam CDs. Then I realized I don't listen to CDs anymore and just feel sad that Rogue has to go through this shit again.

The Scarlet Witch eventually catches up to Rogue before her hissy fit does too much property damage. She tries to calm her down as well and reminds Rogue that she has a pretty good incentive to help her fix this. She doesn't want to relive the 90s either. She wants to get Wonder Man out of her so they can go back to bumping uglies in ways that would make Magneto's head explode. Considering how much these two hated each other when Uncanny Avengers began, it's actually a nice moment that basically forces them to help each other in a meaningful way. It's also nice in that it still leaves the door open for some really hot Rogue/Scarlet Witch lesbo action, but my penis is getting ahead of itself. It's still a big confusing on why this played out 90s plot is happening again, but at least there's a plan to address it and not drag out it for five seasons of a cartoon series.

The emotions between Rogue and the Scarlet Witch feel genuine. The same can't really be said for Havok and Wasp. Despite Havok's face still being fucked up, he and Wasp share a tender moment alone back at the Avengers Mansion. But it's still confusing in that it gives the impression it has more depth than it actually has. This whole relationship went from playful flirting to them being married and having a kid in the future in just a few issues. Even a relationship with Taylor Swift has more backstory than that. These two don't have decades of romance to build on. Nobody is going to mistake these two for Reed/Sue or Peter Parker/Mary Jane. Hell, Peter Parker/Carlie Cooper has more emotional depth than these two. They try to come together, lamenting over their lost daughter, but it just falls flat. And that's not because I'm a callous drunk. There are just way too many gaps between flirting and being Celine Dion style in love to take it seriously.

It's almost a relief when this emotionally bland moment is interrupted by Immortus, who claims he has a way for them to get their daughter back. Unfortunately, he's not big on specifics. He just basically says what was already implied by the end of the previous arc. Kang's defeat helped secure the futures that he came close to wiping out. Now Immortus' Infinity Watch will make sure nothing fucks them up again. But none of this really explains how Havok and Wasp can get their daughter back. He just basically plagiarizes old Beatles songs and says they need to overcome their grief and keep loving each other. He might as well tell a kid that just saw his dog get run over by a truck that drawing rainbows will bring it back to life.

It's not a glaring plot hole, but it's still pretty damn confusing. I'm all for the power of love. I've listened to plenty of Bon Jovi songs. I know it's supposed to be strong and all, but it has the depth of an opinion piece on Fox News. It gives no hint about what Havok and Wasp need to do or how they're going to do it. All it does is keep trying to remind everybody that these two did not have an epic romance until recently. My short-term memory may be more fucked than my sperm count, but even I can't overlook details like that.

The only detail Immortus gives them is the detail they already had way before they considered having a kid. They need to stop the Red Skull, as if that isn't always implied in the Marvel universe. They already know he's on the loose and armed with Charles Xavier's brain. They also know from the Apocalypse Twins that he's going to really fuck things up for mutants. So did Immortus really need to give them that advice? Isn't any relationship improved by stopping the Red Skull from succeeding in anything he attmepts?

The Red Skull himself seems to understand that. Now that the Unity Team is busy fighting off their Kang-induced hangover, he's in a perfect position to exploit their weakness in a way only Nazis can. He even has a few additional resources this time, namely Ahab. Kang decided to ditch him in the past and now he thinks it's a good idea to help the Red Skull. Just typing that makes me want to roll my eyes and bang my head against my desk. However, Kang has shown that he's able to out-think even a fucking Celestial. I'm not going to discount the possibility that he could also out-think a Nazi.

This part of the story is probably the least confusing because no matter what the Red Skull is planning, it's pretty much a given that it's the kind of plan that would make the ACLU shit themselves. He's a fucking Nazi. There's really not much variation when it comes to evil plans. So for this plot, he's busting out a Nazi classic. That's right, he's resorting to concentration camps. Sure, they didn't work out well for Hitler and they kind of gave Nazis a bad name. But the Red Skull has never given many shits about bad publicity. If he's going to exploit the talents of Charles Xavier, he might as well go for overkill. Isn't that the Nazi motto after all?

This issue was more than just a little confusing. I'm won't say it's as confusing as the fourth season of Lost, but anyone who reads comics stoned like me is going to wonder if elves secretly gave them a frontal lobotomy when they weren't looking. The tone of this issue was very different compared to recent issues and rightfully so. Kang left a mess worthy of 50 college frat parties behind when he fucked with both the timeline and the Celestials. The Unity Team here isn't a team as much as it is a group of shell shocked racoons. They're all trying to pick up the pieces and the Red Skull is standing over them with a flame thrower just waiting for the perfect opportunity to broil them where they stand. There are some nice character moments, but the pacing is choppy and incoherent. The only thing that's really clear is that the Red Skull is remembering how much he enjoyed Nazi-style concentration camps. That gives this issue a sense of impact. Anytime someone thinks concentration camps are a good idea, it's a given that something fucked up is about to unfold. With AXIS on the horizon, this issue helps set the foundation, albeit unevenly. I give uncanny Avengers #23 a 6 out of 10. Rogue is having an identity crisis, the Red Skull is getting nostalgic, and Havok's career as a face model is over. That much is clear. Whether this leads to more time travel or more Celestials getting killed remains to be seen.

Oversights and Afterthoughts: Uncanny Avengers #22

The following is my review of Uncanny Avengers #22, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

It’s easy to get distracted and not just because we live in an age of Candy Crush, Angry Birds, and Netflix. In the heat of a conflict, it’s easy to focus too much on certain aspects of that conflict and allow important details to fall to the wayside. When bombs are going off and guns are shooting, the little things that don’t involve the immediate impact of shrapnel and bullet wounds naturally become less relevant. In the Marvel Universe, a major villain gaining the power of a god is one of those conflicts that demand a higher level of emphasis. But there is a point where this emphasis ends up negating other pressing conflicts.

That’s not to say that Kang the Conqueror wielding the power of a Celestial isn’t the most pressing conflict of Uncanny Avengers #22. Kang has already revealed that he has had his hand in every aspect of this conflict that began with the Apocalypse Twins and doing a victory dance within the remains of a dead Celestial. However, there are other battles, personal and otherwise, that have helped make Uncanny Avengers the site of some of the most epic struggles in the Marvel Universe that don’t involve Skrulls, Thanos, or a botched spell by the Scarlet Witch. While some of these struggles have been hopelessly convoluted by an overuse of time travel and a blatant rip-off of X-men: Days of Futures Past, this doesn’t make them any less important.

Unfortunately, the importance of these struggles are essentially lost in what was set up to be the final showdown between Kang and the Unity Team. The battle between Kang and Havok is the only part of the struggle that gets any meaningful depth. Everything else involving the battle against Kang’s dimensionally displaced army, the looming Celestial looking to turn Earth into stain on its shoe, and the Apocalypse Twins gets tossed to the wayside like a dress shirt that is worn once to a wedding and never worn again. There were so many battles converging in this conflict, but none of them had anything that wasn’t completely forgettable. Consequently, the whole impact of these battles fell flat, acting as empty calories in what was supposed to be a full-course meal.

This is what makes this final battle so jarring compared to the battles throughout this story. Since the struggle against Kang and the Apocalypse Twins began, every battle and conflict was filled with the depth and detail that made it so compelling. There was a personal and emotional dimension. It wasn’t just a bunch of random characters fighting, trying to fill an explosion quota typical of a Michael Bay movie. There was meaning and depth. Aside from the battle between Havok and Kang, there was little reason to pay attention to the other skirmishes. In the end, they really didn’t make much of a difference. They might as well have been Brett Favre’s backup quarterback.

And while the battle between Havok and Kang had an emotional element with Kang holding Havok’s daughter hostage in the timestream, the emotions never got all that intense. There was plenty of burning hatred on Havok’s part, but there was little else beyond that. It’s not like Kang is a difficult person to hate in the first place. Adding to it makes about as much a difference as him throwing a lit match into a raging bon fire. There is a clear effort made to make Havok’s daughter the driving force the emotional center of this battle. However, the underlying circumstances make this next to impossible.

The problem with using Havok’s desire to save his daughter as the emotional center of this struggle is that she’s the product of a relationship that is too recent. Havok and Wasp as a relationship is younger and less developed than a standard fling at a summer camp. They’re not Reed and Sue Richards. They’re not Cyclops and Jean Grey. Wolverine has had one-night stands that have been subject to greater development than these two. There are little to no fan clubs, Tumblr groups, or fan fiction stories surrounding these two, yet they’re presented as though they are the most iconic couple since Superman and Lois Lane. Convoluted time travel and retcons can account for a lot of poorly constructed concepts, but they can’t give a relationship depth when it has no legacy to build on.

There were still plenty to work with in terms of making this final battle as epic as it was set up to be. But any chance of this battle measuring up to all the various plots that finally converged was lost when the struggle ended abruptly, leaving more conflict than resolution. There was no final gasp or Rocky Balboa style triumph. Kang just up and left. Despite having the power of a Celestial and boasting how he outsmarted everyone, he just shrugged and left when it stopped being easy. It amounted to the most epic battle of the conflict ending with an epic whimper.

Every other major element from this story played little to no role in the resolution, having been lost in the less-than-final showdown between Havok and Kang. The Apocalypse Twins, who at one point had been such an overwhelming foe, are taking out of the picture with just one shot. All those dimensionally displaced characters, both allies and enemies of Kang, disappear as casually as him. Little gets resolved. It’s like the finale of an action movie ending when everyone decides to have a coffee break.

That’s not to say that there weren’t meaningful moments. The concept and themes of this final battle were all present. They just lacked refinement and organization. There were some character moments, but they were painfully few and exceedingly underwhelming. Uncanny Avengers #22 had so much to work with. Too much was overlooked and too little was developed. While it didn’t throw everything away, it didn’t do nearly enough to make for a satisfying conclusion to the conflict.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #22

I often throw the word epic around on this blog like tequila shooters during Mardi Gras. I try not to use it too often because there aren’t too many comics that ever earn the right to be called epic. But for rare breed of comics, the ability to be epic is practically ingrained in its DNA like alcoholism is ingrained in mine. When I first started following Uncanny Avengers, I didn’t get the sense that it would be on that epic level. But over the course of the past few issues, I’ve come to expect it so much that I have to wear an athletic cup around my balls. This is a story that involves Celestials, Apocalypse, and a grossly overpowered Rogue. It can’t get more epic than that without taking place on Emma Frost’s cleavage.

That said, even consistently epic stories can fall flat in the same way drunks can stay sober for extended periods. It only takes one shitty issue to fuck up a lucky streak in the same way it takes one shitty hand end a lucky streak at poker. The Unity Team has seen the world explode, friends die, and ripped off Days of Futures Past in their struggle against the Apocalypse Twins. In the end, Kang is the one that came out giving the finger to everyone in triumph. But Kang is known for premature celebrations so I’m going to assume he’s not wearing an athletic cup on his balls. I’m also hoping that means Uncanny Avengers #22 will make them hurt in the most epic possible way. I’m also hoping that he’s a shitty poker player.

Even if he is, Kang enters this battle with a pretty loaded hand. He doesn’t just have the power of a fucking Celestial at his disposal now. He also has a team of dimensionally displaced characters that include Spider-Girl, 2099 Dr. Doom, an Arno Stark Iron Man. They help keep the rest of the Avengers at bay on Earth so he can enjoy his new god-like power without anyone annoying him. This doesn’t stop Thor from attempting to ruin his fun, but Kang is able to deal with him the same way most people deal with hang nails. It’s not a fair fight in the slightest. Even though Thor is armed with a weapon that killed a fucking Celestial, he goes down faster than Taylor Swift on a first date.

Now everyone’s last hope at stopping Kang rests with Havok and Sunfire. That’s like relying on a drunk Steven Baldwin to perform open heart surgery on the President. In terms of a final battle, it sounds like they’re coming in more under-equipped than the North Korean army. But they’re not just throwing themselves at Kang like aspiring singers at an American Idol audition. They come in with a plan, hoping to use their powers to absorb some of the Celestial energy that Kang is gorging on like a fat guy at a hot dog eating contest. It’s not an unsound plan. It’s just not all that epic considering how many resources they have between the Avengers and the X-men.

Being under-equipped, the battle is decidedly unbalanced at first. Kang casually kills Sunfire and leaves Havok horribly burned in the process, which promises to really fuck up the plan to make him the handsome face behind human/mutant peace. Guess that means they’ll have to stick to using Rogue’s rack. It’s another instance of being somewhat callous with the characters, but since those characters haven’t stayed dead in this story that has already overdosed on time travel, it’s not worth getting pissed off about. The only ones who should be pissed off are those who think Kang using Havok’s daughter from the future as a trump card is a dick move. Then again, he has the power of a god. He can probably afford to make those kinds of dick moves and get away with it.

The battle back on Earth remains every bit as unbalanced. These dimensionally displaced minions manage to hold back the Avengers. If that sounds like a stretch for this assortment of AU characters, don’t stop taking bong hits. That’s normal because it is. Whereas other struggles in this arc have highlighted plenty of epic themes, this one falls pretty flat in that we don’t get to see how it devolves into a stalemate. We only get to see the arrival of Immortus and some more time-displaced characters show up randomly and tip the balance. Again, don’t stop taking bong hits. That’s as random as it sounds.

This is somewhat jarring because the previous issues had been pretty good about making each battle feel intimate and personal. That really doesn’t happen here. The battle with the Avengers and Kang’s dimensionally displaced army might as well be a bigger afterthought than the last three drafts of the Cleveland Browns. The lack of intensity here pretty significant, especially compared to previous issues. The only battle that really gets any depth is Kang and Havok and even that battle feels more underwhelming than an economics lecture.

That’s not to say it isn’t epic on some levels. Havok, a character who I have enjoyed bashing almost as much as Beast since the beginning of Uncanny Avengers, comes off as pretty damn badass. He’s able to absorb enough Celestial energy to make it a fair fight. Considering the nature of this energy and the extent to which Kang planned this shit out, it’s a bit of a WTF type battle in terms of premise. But it’s still fairly epic in that both characters are dealing with god-like energy. Kang still proclaims that he’s a god and tormenting Havok by taking his daughter was all part of the plan. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Kang claimed that the Kennedy assassination was all part of the plan. It’s getting pretty fucking old at this point. But at the very least, Havok is able to use his powers to put up a solid fight.

That fight gets a little more even when Sunfire enters the picture again. That’s the other reason why I didn’t get a fresh bottle of whiskey and go off on another rant about good characters being callously thrown away. This time he didn’t even stay dead for more than eight pages. Sunfire came back in the form of a big ball of glowing energy. He’s basically a mascot for GE now. It turns out incinerating his body only removed his limitations. Now he’s able to put more of that Celestial energy to good use. The first thing he does with it is he gives Kang a cosmic bitch slap, which even Rhianna would admit he deserves. Then he sets his sights on the Apocalypse Twins.

Remember those assholes? Yeah, they’re also essentially afterthoughts in the context of this battle. The plan that worked so well before time travel got involved is now totally fucked. So now they’re just sitting in their ship, twiddling their thumbs and waiting for the shit to hit the fan while still standing right in front of it. That makes Sunfire taking their ship down with one shot exceedingly underwhelming. These two, who put up so many epic struggles in previous issues, basically just stood around with their thumbs up their asses waiting to get shot out of the sky. It gives the impression that they were never that much of a threat, like a guy who sees a leaky pipe in his bathroom and decides to solve the problem by burning the fucking house down.

Everything is turning against Kang. The Apocalypse Twins are defeated and now he’s got two X-men that are drunk on Celestial energy. But he also has Celestial energy and he’s had centuries to plan this shit. Surely he’s capable of beating these two, who have only had a few hours and no bathroom breaks to put together a battle plan. Well apparently, he’s not as confident in his skills as he boasts because he just fucking up and runs. That’s right. Kang the fucking Conqueror does exactly what George W. Bush refused to do. He just fucking left the battle, claiming Havok is going to regret laying a hand on him. Because when is a man ever going to regret beating the shit out of someone who harmed their child? It makes about as much sense as it sounds.

This effectively ends this epic battle that involves space gods and dimensionally displaced armies with the biggest whimper since the box office numbers for Battlefield Earth. This struggle, which had become so beautifully epic over the course of the past few issues, just ends like the Sopranos finale. Kang isn’t defeated. Havok doesn’t get his daughter back. There are some angry words and angry musings, but it all just stops. It’s like an artist putting the finishing touches on a master piece and just saying “fuck it” before it’s done. It’s a disappointing conclusion to what had been built up to be so gloriously epic.

The concluding details are annoyingly vague. Kang disappears and contacts Ahab, who just says they have more work to do. Seriously, they go through the trouble of obtaining Celestial energy and they still can’t get the job done? That’s like not being able to buy a quality toilet with Donald Trump’s credit card. Not only that, they lose all that Celestial energy in the process. Sentry, who is still in his horseman form, is nice enough to carry the dead Celestial away after assuring Wasp that they’ll still be pissed that one of them is dead. But again, there aren’t many details to here to that’ll soak anyone’s panties. He might as well just be picking up some litter left over from a keg party.

Some details aren’t quite as vague. Rogue, who didn’t get to contribute jack shit in this battle, returns to Earth still drunk on the power of every X-man and Avenger in the northern hemisphere. All that power has left her a little fucked up like having had too many shots of bourbon. The Scarlet Witch is nice enough to help sober her up, but she isn’t able to get rid of all of them. She still has Wonder Man trapped inside her. That’s certainly going to make things awkward because it wasn’t too long ago that Wonder Man and the Scarlet Witch were bumping uglies. And if Wonder Man is now trapped in Rogue, does that mean she’s going to have the overwhelming urge to hump the Scarlet Witch? That would definitely make for some of the most awesome girl-on-girl action that didn’t involve Jessica Alba and Megan Fox in bikinis, but it’s still unclear just how intrigued/horny we should be by this.

The only real impact from the end of this battle comes from Havok and Wasp losing their future daughter. That was part of what made the battle against Kang so personal. And while it was intended to give this battle an emotional jolt, it just fell flat. Havok and Wasp’s relationship only began a few issues ago. Their love story is about as epic as Cheers rerun. These two characters that only recently started flirting lost their daughter, but there isn’t enough breadth to their relationship to make anyone give more fucks than could be given by a standard made-for-TV movie on the Lifetime Channel. Now I’m not trying to make light of it. There is some emotional undertone here, but it’s hard to really bring myself to get that upset about something that only began to unfold around the time of this year’s NFL draft.

This somewhat solemn and crass ending still leaves a few doors open. While the Apocalypse Twins failed in the most unspectacular way possible, they’re still alive, albeit pretty roughed up. The Grim Reaper and Daken are also alive, having survived their big ass ship crashing in the middle of the Sarah Desert. So they’re still alive and will likely show up in future stories. But given how quickly they became an afterthought, I don’t think anyone is going to be biting their nails off waiting to see them again. This issue might as well come with a dose of valium because the ending is just that mellow.

When I finished reading this comic, I got the same feeling I get whenever I buy a bottle of premium whiskey and only find out after the first sip that it has been watered down. I had every reason to believe that this comic would sustain the epic caliber of awesome established in previous issues. It had everything it needed to end with a Jenna Jameson style gangbang. It had Kang, Celestials, an overpowered Rogue, a pissed off Havok, and the Apocalypse Twins. But like the Denver Broncos in the Superbowl last year, it fell flat at the worst possible time. It had some great moments. Havok finally did something worthy of respect and was pretty badass in fighting Kang. But Kang’s whole cut-and-run tactic ended this epic battle with an epic whimper. Kang had the power of a fucking Celestial and he still fucked up? After claiming everything he had been planning for centuries had gone so perfectly that he was starting to get bored? That’s not an epic finale. That’s a shitty side-effect to an anti-depressant. This was an issue that had so much going for it, but it just fell flat. It attempted to make Havok losing his daughter have an impact. But like Elton John at the Playboy mansion, I felt nothing. Uncanny Avengers #22 gets a disappointing 5 out of 10. The overall structure and theme of this series is still sound and the emotional overtones are still strong. But this issue was just too forgettable and too plain. If I want something this bland and flavorless, I’ll eat a salad at McDonald’s. Nuff said!

Needlessly Elaborately Epic: Uncanny Avengers #21

The following is my review of Uncanny Avengers #21, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

It’s a common challenge in engineering. The more moving parts there are, the more opportunities there will be for something to go horribly wrong. The human brain is only capable of accounting for so much complexity. This is why rocket science and quantum physics gives most people headaches and why any attempts to engineer such complexity require two parts genius and ten parts insanity. The genius of a man like Steve Jobs understand that, absent such insanity, the best plans usually involve machines with one button or less. But if Steve Jobs had the insanity of Kang the Conqueror, it’s doubtful that the iPhone would fit in any pocket.

It was Kang the Conqueror who set into motion the events that pitted the Avengers/X-men Unity Squad against the Apocalypse Twins. He’s the one that took the Apocalypse Twins into the future and inflicted on them the kind of cruel parenting that an army of Dr. Phils and Operas could never hope to undo. He’s the one that equipped them to doom Earth, manipulate the Scarlet Witch, and create Planet X for the entire mutant race. In doing so, it’s hard to imagine how this could possibly serve a man whose idea of a vacation is conquering third world country. For a time, it looked like it completely backfired because the actions of the Apocalypse Twins were nullifying his future. But in Uncanny Avengers #21, his true plans are revealed. It’s confusingly elaborate, ridiculously epic, yet remarkably effective.

Every great mastermind and/or slacker learns early on that it’s far better to get others to do the hard work so they don’t have to. Kang takes that to the kinds of ridiculous levels that walks a fine line between elaborate and absurdity. But in doing so, he heightened the scale of the conflict to an epic level that kept that prevented that complexity from derailing the narrative. While Kang was the one pulling the strings, it was the collective efforts of the X-men and the Avengers that gave depth to the story. They finally turned the tide against the Apocalypse Twins, who seemed downright bored at times with their efforts to oppose them. It doesn’t just make the tone of the story less depressing. It makes it incredibly satisfying.

A big part of that satisfaction involves showing the Unity Squad come together in a big way. This sounds like standard superhero gimmicks, but it’s actually pretty remarkable considering that at one point, things were so hostile with the team that some ended up stabbing each other. They went far beyond merely being a dysfunctional team. They might as well been a couple of rival prison gangs. But thanks to the foresight they gained from the future, they understood the mistakes they were about to make and could go about fixing them. That fix involves an alien god getting its throat slashed and Rogue soaking up the powers of Avenger and X-man. Considering the scale of the problem, the scale of the solution is more than appropriate.

As satisfying as it is, it feels like an elaborate form of cheating at times. The Apocalypse Twins beat them on every level, putting painstaking effort to ensure that every sliver of hope was snuffed out before it could even appear. Yet thanks to time travel, the Unity Squad had what amounts to a strategy guide for a video game and the perfect cheat code. It would be like a Call of Duty player getting so frustrated with their opponent that they choose to hack the whole system rather than try to match their skill. But when the entire planet and the future is at stake, that kind of cheating isn’t so egregious.

On every level, the elaborate plan Apocalypse Twins laid out fails. The Unity Squad systematically undermines every possible detail, so much so that they immediately suspect that time travel is involved. That does seem to be the modern day Deus Ex Machina for stories such as this. While time travel stories have been oversaturating the market since the last Terminator movie, this one still feels satisfying, if only see the Apocalypse Twins actually get upset. It’s a testament to the newfound unity in the Unity Squad that they’re able to achieve this. It only took another apocalyptic future and more convoluted time travel for them to come together. On some levels, it feels like they should have better teambuilding exercises than that.

But what ends up making the plot very confusing and exceedingly elaborate is the role played by Kang. Apparently, all these elaborate conflicts, including the elaborate solutions that required time travel, were just part of an even more elaborate plan to gain ultimate power. It’s a very basic goal with an exceedingly complicated path. While it does answer the lingering question about why Kang would go through the trouble of putting the Apocalypse Twins in position to destroy the world, it doesn’t feel quite as meaningful. That said, the plan does end up working. Kang does succeed in achieving his goal and does the obligatory boasting, but claiming that every character was a pawn somewhat cheapens the extent of the story. However, it’s hard to argue with results.

All too often, overly complicated stories have mixed results. Like trying to scramble an egg with a pin, the finished product rarely justifies the complexity of the methods involved in making it. But Uncanny Avengers #21, for all its complications, has incredibly satisfying results. The epic struggle, the personal drama, and the sheer scale of the narrative come together in such a powerful manner that it’s more than worth the confusion. It might have been nothing more than an elaborate stage play for Kang, but it still put on a hell of a show.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #21

We live in an era where everything is a remake, reboot, or rip-off of something else. Now I’m not going to go on some hipster douche rant about how this is wrong and somehow an affront to real artistic expression. I don’t give a shit how many times Transformers, Terminator, or Robocop is rebooted or ripped off. If it’s entertaining and fun, I’m going to get drunk and enjoy it, damn it. Now that has been a bit tougher lately when it comes to time travel stories. They’ve been flooding comics and movies so much lately that it makes me want to kick Dr. Who in the balls. Uncanny Avengers is part of that trend in they ripped off the second greatest X-men story of all time in Days of Futures Past to fix the fucked up future that the Apocalypse Twins created. Given that this is the same year that Days of Futures Past became a mediocre movie, it’s pretty shitty timing. But given the quality of Uncanny Avengers, and the possibility that it can bring back dead characters like Rogue and Captain America, I’m going to try and overlook that. Uncanny Avengers #21 promises to get out of yet another shitty future and fix the damn present for once. That shouldn’t sound like such a novel concept, but here we are.

What is a novel concept, however, is Rogue not hating the Scarlet Witch so much that she wants to lock her in a room with a bunch of hungry dogs once owned by OJ Simpson. Not long ago, I was buying a few extra bottles of tequila after it looked like Rogue and the Scarlet Witch ended up killing each other. Well, thanks to yet another liberal application of time travel, they’re both alive again. And armed with the knowledge of the future, Wolverine and Sunfire catch up with Rogue before she can gut the Scarlet Witch. How they convinced her that they were from the future and they needed to listen is never stated, but pretty fucking outrageous. I imagine Gambit used that exact same excuse to convince her to try anal. But it still works.

They end up walking in on her and Wonder Man shortly after they’ve finished bumping uglies. It would have probably been less awkward if they were still naked, but I’m guessing Marvel still thinks two people being naked is somehow more obscene than someone getting impaled. They basically give them the spoiler version of what happened in the future. At times, the Scarlet Witch has a big WTF face and that was before Rogue hugged her. But now they’re all apparently on the same page finally. And it just took another apocalyptic future. I want to say better late than never, but when time travel is involved, that’s the shittiest possible excuse.

More awkward conversations are skipped over and I’m not just talking about the details Rogue probably asked for about Wonder Man’s ass. Somehow we don’t get to see how they convince him and the Scarlet Witch that this new plan is going to save their asses when a fucking Celestial is about to destroy the planet. But this is where some of the events from before start to change thanks to this new foresight. Captain America, Rogue, Wonder Man, and the Scarlet Witch naturally decide not to go with their previous suicide plan to attack the Apocalypse Twins. Instead, they catch up with the rest of the Avengers, who tried and failed to stop the Celestial in the previous timeline. They know as well as anyone that fighting a Celestial is like trying to fight the Hulk with a feather-duster so they’re open to ideas. And their idea is actually pretty simple. They all just give Rogue their powers. So that means they make Rogue really fucking powerful and they all get to cop a feel from her. I would be totally fucking on board with that plan.

This foresight and the promise of touching Rogue is all great news for the Avengers. I’m sure Tony Stark couldn’t agree to it fast enough. But for the Apocalypse Twins, they’re pretty much fucked and pretty pissed off. The changing timeline is already affecting them because now the Scarlet Witch is gone and they needed her to rapture the mutants off Earth. Since they couldn’t possibly be that inept or unlucky, they assume what every narcissistic asshole in the Marvel universe assumes. Somebody fucked with the timeline. It might be narcissistic, but that doesn’t make it any less valid. And since their adopted father is Kang, they know who to be pissed at.

It actually begins a very significant shift for them because in the previous doomed timeline, they were always in control. They never panicked in the slightest and never looked more frustrated than pot smoker on valium. Yet now this elaborate plan that worked so damn well before is falling apart. To say it’s a satisfying sight would be to say that seeing Jessica Alba naked is just okay. And it only gets more satisfying because Havok, Wolverine, and Sunfire add to the Twins’ frustration by going after the Tachyon Dam, guarded by Reaper. It’s one of those scenes that I can point to whenever someone asks why I insist on reading comics while stoned. It just makes the satisfaction all the more fulfilling.

Havok and his team go to work shutting Reaper up, pissing off the Apocalypse Twins even more. As this unfolds, they also find out that Jarnbjorn, the axe that is capable of killing a fucking Celestial, is now missing. So all the shit they need to control to keep their plan from blowing up like the fucking Hindenburg is slipping out of their grasp. I can only imagine how pissed they would be if they found out that Rogue paid a quick visit to the Jean Grey Institute to absorb more powers. I’m just going to assume there isn’t enough weed in Colorado to calm them down.

For Rogue fans, this is basically the most awesome kind of porn that doesn’t involve Jenna Jameson and a bucket of lube. Once she has all these powers, she goes to work stopping the Celestial. There’s even some nice inner monologue that shows her dealing with all this power and the responsibility of stopping a fucking Celestial. She refers back to Xavier and everything she learned from him, which is fitting given how Uncanny Avengers began with his funeral. It’s pretty intense and yet she still finds a way to look sexy doing it. Anyone who has dry eyes and loose pants after seeing this isn’t human.

Rogue succeeds at stopping the Celestial from crushing the Earth like Flavor Flav crushes a crack rock, but even with all that power she’s absorbed, she still needs more. Maybe she should try flashing her boobs at the Celestial anyways. Even if it doesn’t help, it couldn’t hurt either. But before they get that desperate, we find out Wasp enlisted some extra help for her in the form of Sentry. Somehow, she managed to convince him that letting a Celestial destroy the planet, which contains people he swore to protect, is a bad idea. That or she flashed him his boobs and that was enough.

He provides the extra muscle to stop the Celestial’s attack. That gives a chance for Thor to put Jarnbjorn to good use, which involves slitting the Celestial’s throat. There are simply no words to describe how awesome that is. It happens pretty fast and on an epic scale too big for even a seasoned stoner. And that’s part of the problem because just as before, a lot of crazy shit apparently unfolded off-panel. First, Wolverine and Sunfire convinced Rogue that killing the Scarlet Witch was a bad idea. Then Wasp somehow convinced Sentry, who is still a Horseman of Apocalypse, to help her. I get that persuading someone to help isn’t that entertaining and often reminds us of why we hate car salesmen. But it forces readers to make way too many assumptions and for some like me, I’m always going to assume it involves flashing tits.

The tables turn on the Apocalypse Twins on every possible front. Not only is the Celestial wounded, but Reaper is now down for the count as well. That fight was somewhat glossed over, but that’s okay. Reaper might as well be the slutty cheerleader in a slasher movie. Wolverine, Havok, and Sunfire successfully beat his sorry ass to the surprise of absolutely no one. They then do what Wasp and Captain America failed to do before and destroy the Tachyon Dam, yet another part of the Apocalypse Twins’ plan going to shit. I swear if this becomes any more satisfying, I’m going to have to label it an orgy.

It could have been the most epic victory the Avengers and X-men have ever achieved, albeit with the aid of time travel. But unfortunately, I had to stop short of making this orgy on the Playboy/Hustler scale because while the Apocalypse Twins have now failed miserably, Kang the Conqueror has succeeded. With the dam destroyed, he is now able to finally travel back from the future. At this point, more time travel should make me throw up, but I did enough of that with the previous few issues and my stomach needs a rest.

But how exactly does this succeed for Kang? Well, apparently all this fucked up shit, time travel and all, was part of a ridiculously elaborate plan. And when Thor killed a Celestial, that was basically his endgame. So before Thor can send this wounded Celestial away to some other place in the universe that nobody minds fucking up, Kang drops in and throws a cyborg Hulk at him. He does it with a smug grin and a throbbing erection. Now Thor, he claims, his dead and he has the energy of a fucking Celestial at his fingertips. As ruthless plans go, this is pretty fucking confusing. But hey, it’s hard to argue with results.

In addition to him, he brings in the rest of his dimensionally displaced team to join the fun. Since their timelines are now probably fucked beyond repair, they need someone to take it out on and Kang needs someone to distract the Avengers. Granted, there’s only five of them and none of them can say they have power levels on the same scale as a Celestial. But at the very least, they’ll frustrate and piss off the Avengers long enough for Kang to do what he needs to do. It’s another act of stunning convergence, taking elements from previous issues and incorporating them into a climax that could only be matched with multiple gangbangs. It’s part of what made Uncanny X-Force the epic piece of awesome it was and now it’s happening here in Uncanny Avengers. True awesome need not be confined to one series.

So now Kang has done it. He has the power of an entire fucking Celestial at his disposal. As expected, he boldly proclaims his brilliance as though he were in some sort of shitty MTV reality show. It still feels needlessly convoluted, going through the trouble of taking the Apocalypse Twins from birth and using them to gain the power of a Celestial. Again, it still works. I can’t deny that. It just feels a contrived and confusing. I know that’s part of who Kang is, but this just takes it several steps farther. Even Donald Trump would say he’s overdoing it at this point. I really want to appreciate that kind of ambition, but as epic as it is, I’m left more confused than excited and I don’t think it’s because of the weed for once.

Well I won’t say that the future is now fixed, but I will say that the present is sure fucked. A lot of shit came together in an obscenely awesome way. Everything going all the way back to the bar brawl that Thor had with Apocalypse and the catfight Rogue had with the Scarlet Witch came into play here. It created a level of cosmic epic that I simply cannot use while sober. I might even have to invent a few. But as awesome as the action and scale of this story was, parts of it still felt incomplete and not just because of the agonizing cliff-hangers towards the end. It feels like it skipped a few steps, getting Wolverine, Thor, Havok, Sunfire, and Wasp to convince the others that they’ve seen how they fuck up and they need to fix it. I imagine that is somehow part of divorce laws in the Marvel universe. It also seems to skip a few steps as to how Wasp convinces Sentry to help them out and I doubt just flashing him her tits would have been enough. That made the overall pacing of the story feel very ADHD at times, but fuck if it wasn’t better than a double dose of Ritalin and LSD. Uncanny Avengers #21 gets a 9 out of 10. We’re finally out of yet another apocalyptic future. Now we’ve got an apocalyptic present to deal with. I’ll still take it because I’m really that sick of all this time travel bullshit. Nuff said!