X-men #28 - Invading Awesome

I try not to trust my senses too much. When you've killed as many brain cells as I have with acid, weed, and bar fights you didn't win you learn not to trust the big-titted woman with the blue skin, green eyes, and three tits eying you on the other side of the bar. You just assume someone slipped something into your booze, shrug it off, and go back to hitting on the jukebox. In the Marvel universe, I would be a shape-shifter's worst nightmare. I'm not saying I would be able to bone Mystique (although that would be on my to-do list). I'm just saying I would be more suspicious than your average Joe.

In Victor Gischler's adjectiveless X-men, Utopia's official security team has to be suspicious. Hell, they have to be more paranoid than a coke-head in withdrawal that listens to Glenn Beck. They're just coming off a pretty nasty blow. They lost Jubilee to a group of handsome vampires that look nothing like Twilight fans. In that battle they got their asses kicked. Jubilee ended up saving herself and then decided she would do better hanging out with other vampires than protecting a mutant island that was just going to get attacked by the Avengers later on. So Storm, Warpath, Domino, and the rest of the security team have had their pride and their resolve damaged. It made for a somewhat solemn issue, but unlike a massage parlor in Bangkok not every issue is going to have a happy ending.

So without hesitation, I still give adjectiveless X-men a shot. X-men #28 comes out with a story that once again doesn't tie into Avengers vs. X-men or anything else that is going on with the other X-books for that matter. It's a story that actually does what we were told from the beginning this series would do which is have the X-men interact with other members of the Marvel universe. But this isn't the kind of interaction that makes for good hand-holding and circle jerks.

Pixie, one of the X-men's younger members who still has a nasty habit of getting herself into trouble (and occasionally losing her soul). For reasons not all that clear, she's in New York City being led by a creepy-looking guy at gunpoint. But he's not looking to lure her into a windowless van with the promise of candy and puppies. He wants her to teleport him into the Baxter Building, home of the Future Foundation. This naturally gets Reed Richard's attention, who quickly finds out that said creepy guy with a gun is actually a Skrull. Okay, so maybe Pixie is safer with a Skrull than she is the guy with the van, but you get the idea.

The FF make quick work of the asshole Skrull that needs teenage girls to do his dirty work. Shortly after he's subdued, the X-men's security team arrive. They're understandably upset that one of Utopia's citizens was held at gunpoint by an alien. In Pixie's defense, the Skrull claimed he had a hostage in the form of a little boy that he would shoot if she didn't help him. This would have been a good defense if Pixie didn't stop to consider that maybe that hostage was a Skrull too. I get that some teenage girls can be pretty ditzy, but when you're dealing with alien shape-shifters you would think that would be reason to be a bit more cautious. Maybe Pixie should ditch the Twilight movies and start watching more slasher flicks.

The security team takes Pixie and the Skrull who used her away. They claim to be in a hurry and don't have time to sit around and listen to the Reed Richards make jokes about quantum physics. But after they leave, Gischler throws in a twist that probably shouldn't surprise anyone who has ever read a comic with the Skrulls. Just after the security team leaves, they arrive again. No, that's not just the peyote talking. That X-men security team that showed up earlier, that wasn't them. Those assholes were yet more Skrulls. Even if it's expected, it's still a pretty satisfying twist and one Gischler handles nicely. Unfortunately for Pixie, she's too ditzy to realize. It's only when they drag her to some special secure archives that she starts to notice. When she does, it's too late. A ditzy teenage girl against several angry Skrulls? It would be more fair to pit a Navy SEAL against a drunk New York Jets fan.

However, the Skrulls aren't just using Pixie because aliens are on a mission to probe pretty teenage girls (not unlike college frat boys). These Skrulls are leftovers from Marvel's big Secret Invasion event a few years ago, which makes for some nice continuity in a series that hasn't always fit into the larger Marvel landscape. They weren't marooned or anything that tragic. They're just a bunch of pussies. When they saw that their side was losing, they said "Fuck this, I'm going to go mutilate some cattle. Later bitches!" Now they want to go home. I guess they ran out of cattle to mutilate and to do that they need to find some confiscated Skrull tech that will allow them to access a hidden ship that can take them home. And they're relying on the lead Skrull to make it so they weren't cowards in the eyes of their species, which is every bit as questionable as it sounds mind you.

It may not seem like the kind of alien threat that the Marvel universe usually faces, but that's probably a good thing. Having a group of Skrulls that actually didn't stick around to get their asses kicked in Secret Invasion is a good concept, one that makes you wonder why a story like this wasn't told earlier. But seeing as how my memory is only as good as the brain cells I haven't killed yet, I'm okay with that. It adds an extra bit of drama that you wouldn't expect from a plot that revolves around aliens kidnapping a cute teenage girl.

While Pixie does express some kind level of sympathy for them, that doesn't stop them from tying her up and finding the gizmo they're looking for. Lucky for her, other more mature heroes are smart enough not to have sympathy for Skrulls. One of them is Spider-Man, who tends to notice when a bunch of shape-shifting aliens are trying to steal confiscated tech. He comes in and starts beating up the Skrulls in a way that only somewhat makes you forget that this is the same asshole that sold his marriage to the fucking devil. It's still pretty satisfying if you enjoy seeing ugly aliens getting punished for fucking with cute girls.

These cowardly Skrulls don't put up much of a fight, much like they did in Secret Invasion. They end up getting their asses knocked out a window, but for reasons Pixie still hasn't quite learned she goes out of her way to save them and still says she wants to help them. The Skrulls are understandably dubious of any girl they went out of their way to abduct and use as a hostage. They ignore her calls for understanding and Spider-Man's inclination to kick their asses even more. They still got what they wanted from the archive. Being the cowards they are, they need to take the easy way out.

For them, the easy way involves using that little gizmo of theirs. This quickly fucks up the situation like a Tijuana crack whore. The streets of New York start to rumble and people start shitting themselves. It's the perfect time for the FF and the X-men's security team to show up and remind Pixie that when dealing with Skrulls, sympathy is something you should leave at the door along with your trust. It quickly becomes chaotic and forces the X-men and FF to start protecting the civilians. The Skrulls, still playing the cowardice card, take a few hostages along the way in an effort to make their escape easier. They may not be the most cunning aliens in comics, but you have to admit they are determined to get the fuck off this planet.

It turns out that gizmo did exactly what they wanted it to do. It activated a ship that had been dormant under the streets of New York City. Wait, how the fuck did a ship go unnoticed in the underground of New York City? Wouldn't some homeless guy, mutant rat, or subway worker have noticed that shit? Well fuck me with the details, it's there. And when it rises to the surface, it also reveals another surprise. The ship had a few nasty looking weapons on board. For a bunch of Skrulls that have to rely on deception and hostage taking, they need something badass to save whatever it is they consider their balls. It's a dick move, but fuck if it isn't effective.

While I may not trust my senses as much as I should, I do trust a good comic when I see it. Victor Gischler's adjectiveless X-men has been somewhat inconsistent, but it does manage to deliver from time to time. It doesn't deliver enough to make you foam at the mouth every week a new issue is supposed to come out, but it delivers enough to keep you interested. While the last issue was somewhat disappointing, this issue hits all the right notes. It's a solid issue that gets back to the roots of this series, which was billed from the beginning as something that would get the X-men involved with other major players in the Marvel universe. This issue also took on some fresh angles, namely following the journey of a teenage girl who is still fucking up in her chosen career. Whether it's a superhero or an underpaid waitress at Hooters, a young girl should expect to be fucked up and tricked from time to time. Pixie is just lucky it didn't end with her panties being shown on the internet.

I enjoyed this issue. It was definitely an upgrade from the previous issue and did a good job of not only getting other Marvel heroes involved, but also playing with all the deceptive possibilities of using Skrulls. Now since I'm already as paranoid as any drunk, I wasn't too surprised when the Skrulls pulled a double take with Pixie. But I imagine fans out there who actually read comics sober would find it to be a pretty interesting twist. The only part that's lacking here is the poor setup. It just begins with Pixie in New York and offers no explanation. There's also no reaction among the X-men over Jubilee's departure. There's really no flow from the previous issue to this issue. It makes it feel somewhat abrupt, but perhaps that's for the better. If you didn't like seeing Jubilee leave, perhaps it's best not to have the issue dwell on it.

Victor Gischler continues to move this series along despite having to do so in the midst of a big motherfucking event in Avengers vs. X-men. It's like trying to win a farting contest on free bean burritos night at a bar. You're just not going to stand out. Yet if you're able to tear your ass away from Avengers vs. X-men long enough or just want a more basic story, this issue will deliver and deliver quite effectively. I give X-men #28 a 4 out of 5. Pixie has some harsh lessons to learn, chief among them are if aliens are big enough assholes to hold you at gunpoint so they can break into a high tech facility then maybe you shouldn't sympathize with them. Just be glad she didn't learn this lesson at her first college frat party by accepting a drink from the guy claiming to be pre-med and offering free breast exams. Nuff said!

Astonishing X-men #49 - Gay Old Awesome

Every so often, someone will provoke the over-sensitive right-wing douche-bags of this world in a way that is so blatant that even the most progressive among us will raise an eyebrow. No matter how blatant it may be, I'm always in favor of pissing off this particular segment of the population. Whenever I see the Pat Robertsons and Rick Santorums of the world seethe with outrage whenever someone throws a taboo subject like homosexuality in their faces, I usually just grab myself a cold beer, light up a joint, and enjoy the show. And if by chance it means getting an awesome comic book in the process, hell that's just a bonus!

After reading Astonishing X-men #48, I could literally hear the assholes of every conservative Christian clench. The sound was so deafening I thought God herself had farted (I imagine that if there is a god, it's a big-titted women by the way). It wasn't because the comic involved the X-men collectively taking a piss on the tomb of Jesus Christ. It was because it actually dared to tell an X-men storty that involved one of their most prominent gay characters, Northstar, dealing with an actual homosexual relationship with his long-time dong-enthusiest, Kyle. As if that weren't blasphemous enough, it wasn't depicted as the plot of a gay porno or a Lady Gaga concert. It was actually depicted as a normal relationship with all the drama. The only difference was that one of them had mutant powers that gave him no excuses to being late for a cheese-tasting party. Yes, somewhere out there Glenn Beck was crying like a little girl over the damage this would do to the country and innocent children everywhere. But fuck Glenn Beck. He wouldn't know a decent comic if God herself inserted it into his brain through his rectum.

Beyond simple fun of making homophobes uncomfortable, Astonishing X-men has been in the midst of a transition. After Greg Pak's lone arc, Marjorie Liu is establishing her run with a new cast and a new setting. It takes the likes of Iceman, Northstar, Wolverine, Gambit, Warbird, and Cecelia Reyes out from the flashy surroundings of Utopia or the Jean Grey Institute and places them right in New York City where they can draw in danger to populated areas. I know they don't intend to attract danger, but they should at least take that shit into account when they visit a major city. While Northstar was busy moving in with Kyle, he got called up by Wolverine to track a new threat within the city. It led them to Gambit and Cecelia, who soon found themselves targeted by a guys with bazookas and the Marauders. It's enough to ruin any trip to the Big Apple, short of several detours through the Bronx.

Like the last issue, Astonishing X-men #49 begins with a brief glimpse into the future. Someone is clearly controlling the X-men and forcing Nothstar to go on the run with the same urgency as Pat Robertson at a Lady Gaga concert. In the last issue he had to escape Wolverine and Gambit. Now he has to escape Karma, one of the only other prominent gay characters in X-men. And in a scene that should have GLADD up in arms, she's unable to fight off whatever is controlling her and forces Northstar to get rough with her in a way that Rick Santorum can only dream of. If that weren't bad enough, Northstar's man-squeeze, Kyle, is also fighting the same control and he's having just as much luck as Karma. Except when the time comes to point a gun at his lover, he ends up turning it on himself. It has all the dangerous makings of a bad "It Gets Better" video, but before we know the outcome we flash back from the near future to the present.

The time shift isn't as confusing as it sounds. The last issue ended with the X-men facing down Chimera and the Marauders after Gambit's apartment was blown to hell. Naturally, the X-men don't take kindly to having their insurance premiums jacked up so they start fighting back. Chimera subdues Iceman and Northstar with her flashy green dragons that could definitely be mistaken for penis metaphors. Wolverine has to deal with taking a fucking harpoon to the heart. Even for a guy with a healing factor, that shit's gotta hurt. And this is all in the middle of New York City, mind you. You won't get a much greater spectacle outside a gay pride parade, which in this case I guess is more than appropriate.

One X-man (or former X-man) that's trying to not take part in this bloody battle is Cecelia Reyes. She spent a good chunk of the last issue explaining that she didn't care for a life of violence with the X-men. She's a doctor and just wants to have a simple job passing out antibiotics to women who were stupid enough to sleep with Tommy Lee. The Marauders just don't let her. One of them is stupid enough to put a gun to her head. That's usually a very menacing gesture, but considering how Cecelia's powers involve creating force fields you might as well be pissing on an electric fence. When the Marauder is stupid enough to shoot, his reward is a nice shower of bullet shards to the face. I'm sure the Andrew Zimmerman's of the world now have a new worst nightmare.

The battle against the Marauders continues to unfold with the same messiness as any street brawl in New York, albeit slightly less destructive than a brawl in New Jersey. Chimera and the Marauders are doing a pretty good job of roughing up the X-men, but then Marjorie Liu throws in a twist. She was so good at it in X-23 so it stands to reason she would try again with Astonishing. It's like a good strain of weed. If it works, don't bother tweaking it. The twist comes courtesy of Karma, who happened to be in the neighborhood and met up with Kyle. She uses that powerful mind of hers on top of that lesbian body that would fit in nicely with so many pornos to uncover a slight wrinkle in this battle. Chimera, the crazy bitch with the dragons, is being mind controlled. She doesn't seem to know it, but once Karma works that lesbo psychic magic she exposes the unfortunate truth and suddenly this street fight takes on a new tone.

It's not the most insane twist that Marjorie Liu could have made. She didn't reveal that Chimera was Wolverine's long lost sister and she had been sent from the future to cut off his balls so that he wouldn't father any more deranged Daken-like children. She was just being mind controlled. That sounds typical at first until you consider the brief flash-forwards in this issue and the previous issue. It fits in nicely, showing that there are some psychic shenanigans going on. And when certain elements fit nicely, that's usually a good sign for a comic and a good reason to light up another joint. Then again, I've yet to come up with a bad reason to light up a joint so maybe that's not a fair comparison.

Once Chimera is free of her mind control, she immediately calls off the rest of the Marauders. They're understandably confused. They tend not to like the idea that they were being controlled and prefer to just keep fighting randomly and hoping someone pays them money or hands them over the keys to the universe, whichever comes first. Thankfully, Chimera's brain is still somewhat functional despite being mind-controlled. Even though they had the X-men on the ropes, she orders that Vanisher step in and teleport them away. This leaves the X-men in the middle of a decimated street amidst many confused New Yorkers, but lets face it this is probably not the craziest shit they've ever seen. Hell, they're all probably still obsessing over Tim Tebow's arrival to the Jets.

Chimura still stays behind, if for no other reason than to give her teammates the finger. She also allows Karma to dig deeper into her mind in order to find out who the hell mind-fucked her. That proves to be as good an idea as riding a roller coaster after eating a batch of extra-spice chicken wings laced with laxative. Whatever psychic took a bat to Chimura's mind made sure no one, especially not the X-men's lone lesbian, could find out who they were. It becomes a disturbing vision of maggots and pain, not unlike having to spend the night in my old college frat house after a party. It leaves them low on answers, but they still have a few clues in the form of the asshole that tried to shoot Cecelia in the head. He may have been given the John McClane lead facial, but even dead guys can offer clues. The guy actually has a GPS tracker on him so they can check out all the places he's been be it an evil lair or a strip club.

While the X-men dig deeper, Northstar decides to get away from the chaos and fly his boy toy around the bright shiny lights of New York City. It makes for an overtly romantic setting for them to have a nice, long conversation that even straight couples in comics rarely have. Set aside any revulsion you may have to two men swapping spit, there's some real drama here and it's the kind of drama Marjorie Liu has always excelled at. Kyle talks to Northstar about how fucked up it is to be in a relationship with a mutant while he's just a normal guy. How does something like that work? How does he function knowing that Northstar is out playing X-man while he's back in New York with nothing but his Elton John CDs and box set of the L-Word? But Northstar goes out of his way to let Kyle know that even when he's off being an X-man, he's an important part of his life. It's a strength and not a weakness. It makes for a tender moment that epitomizes every Lady Gaga song ever made.

Beyond the whole gay part of their relationship, Marjorie Liu highlights an important dramatic element here. All too often in comics, relationships involve people with superpowers. Aside from Superman and Lois Lane, you don't get too many couples where one has superpowers and the other doesn't. It's like being in a relationship where someone else makes a fuck-ton more money than you. It makes for a rather unequal relationship. But as Anna Nichole Smith has shown us, it can be made to work. If there's love, there's a chance. It's a good message and one that most writers readily gloss over. So what if it involves a gay couple? It's about damn time someone at Marvel addresses this shit.

This romantic moment is one of the highlights of the issue, but all those warm and fuzzy feelings have to content with that same feeling you get after you eat Mexican while drunk at 1 am. Having helped the X-men enough for one day, Karma heads back to her place with the intention of purging her mind of the disturbing visions she had earlier. Usually a head in the microwave helps, but that's just me. She's prepared to turn in and start fantasizing about the latest LPGA champions. Then she's met by a mysterious-looking woman who reveals that she was the one behind Chimura. While I can't quite identify who she is, she definitely has the psycho-Hillary Clinton feel to her. Not content with just mind-fucking Chimura, she's poised to mind-fuck the X-men again and have a damn good time doing it.

Astonishing X-men has been an anomaly since Joss Whedon's run ended. It's never really established a sense of consistency, nor has it established a role amongst the other X-books. It seems to change on an arc-to-arc basis. It's less consistent than Mitt Romney at times, but Marjorie Liu seems to be making a conscious effort to give this book an identity. This issue had her really demonstrate the strengths she made so abundantly clear during her X-23 run. She wields mystery and drama with the same skill as Jason Vorhees wields a machete. The brief glimpses she's been hinting at in the beginning of each issue as well as the twists regarding mind control make for a story with a uniquely awesome feel. It sounds complicated, but Marjorie Liu finds a way to make it easy to follow (provided you don't read the comic while you're too stoned). If the mystery doesn't intrigue you, the drama between Northstar and Kyle damn well better. Unless you listen to one too many of James Dobson's lectures, the sheer breadth to which Liu fleshes out this relationship is...well, astonishing for lack of a better word. You won't find a more gripping experience without being Bart Simpson's neck.

If there is an inconsistency, it's the level of vagueness that Liu is willing to tolerate. She describes the drama and the mystery very well, but at times the mystery is too damn mysterious if that's the right word. It's clear that someone is mind-fucking the X-men and doing a pretty good job of it. It's not clear why they're doing it or even who could be behind it. Maybe I just didn't recognize the woman on the last page, but if a mystery is to remain at least somewhat coherent there needs to be a few clues as to why so much mind-fucking is going on. This isn't the fucking Matrix. The story is clearly meant to be more coherent and it could definitely use a few minor details, but to make a big deal out of it would just be petty. I'm petty about a lot of things in comics, namely bad replacement characters and red-headed, green-eyed Phoenix wielders not named Jean Grey. But I can't be too petty about this comic.

While certain details may be lacking, Marjorie Liu more than makes up for it by weaving an action-packed story that is nicely coupled with some drama. By offering a brief glimpse into what is about to happen in the near future, it makes the story all the more intriguing. It's probably the most intriguing Astonishing X-men has been in quite some time. For a series that has been pretty inconsistent if not outright negated by the events of other X-books, that's saying quite a bit. I can't be too petty, but I can't be overly generous either. This issue is pretty awesome, but it's just a few degrees off from perfection. I give Astonishing X-men #49 a 4 out of 5. This arc holds great promise. Not only is it telling a great story, it's giving the finger to everyone who ever gave money to Rick Santorum. For that, I deem this comic awesome. Nuff said!

Avengers: The Movie - Assembling Awesome

There are very few things in this world that are worth waiting five years for. This is America. Usually, if we have to wait for more than a day we tend to say, "Fuck it, I'm going to a bar." For shit we're stuck waiting for, we tend to get easily distracted if we have to wait more than a year. This is a country where you could find the cure for cancer and solve world poverty, yet you will be completely forgotten the next day if news breaks that one of the Kardashians is in rehab. Yet as ADD as this country is, there is some shit we'll gladly wait for. The Avengers movie is a movie that's been building up hype for five fucking years ever since Sam Jackson had a brief two-minute part at the end of the Iron Man movie and after the fucking credits no less. Well now it's finally here and is really worth the wait? Well after having just seen it and after having endured my share of distractions over the past five years (most of them coming from titty bars), I can safely say that yes. It was so fucking worth it!

There's only so much I can do to dissect a two hour movie and explain all the ways in which it is awesome. I'll try to squeeze in as many as possible, but how much explanation do you really need? If you've seen the trailers, you've seen a good chunk of what it can deliver. Like most trailers, it tries to squeeze in as much as the good stuff as possible. The good stuff is usually shit that explodes, shit that laments over impending doom, and shit that has tits or a nice ass. The Avengers trailer is no different. Don't believe me? Look at the trailer and tell me I'm wrong.

But the trailer only tells one half of the story. I know, it's shocking...a heavily hyped movie that offers more depth than what you see in the trailer. But it's true. That big battle scene from the trailer was only the culmination of a story that hit the ground running and ran so fucking hard that if it had nipples they would be bleeding like a porn star after running 10 consecutive marathons. If you've been following the other Marvel movies such as Iron Man, Iron Man II, Thor, the Incredible Hulk (the new one and not the one that involved killer poodles), and Captain America then you'll see the story flow seamlessly. Even if you didn't see those movies (and welcome back from whatever cave in Mars you've been in for five years if you haven't), it's a very understandable story.

It boils down to a little something you could probably fit in your glove box. SHIELD is working with a new and potentially limitless source of power from a tiny little glowing cube called Tesseract, or the cosmic cube if you know anything about anything about Marvel comics. Following the events of Thor, Erik Selvig, the physicist who was grossly outshined by Natalie Portman, has been helping SHIELD tap it. Well that turns out to be a horrible fucking idea because during a test, it opens up a gateway that allows Loki to emerge. Despite being thrown off the Bifrost Bridge by Thor, he's as alive as a cockroach in a crack den and understandably pissed. Since he lost his chance to be king of Asgard, he'll settle for enslaving the Earth and ravaging it in the same way stoners ravage a bag of Doritos. I can think of some much better ways to cope with defeat, but none of them are nearly as awesome.

Armed with a special staff given to him by a shadowy alien figure that claims command of the Chitauri, he takes control of Dr. Selvig and Hawkeye to steal the Tesseract. Like Loki, they seem interested in taking the Tesseract and will gladly help Loki sucker punch the planet Earth to get it. Now why an advanced alien species is stupid enough to trust the god of mischief is beyond me, but I guess being an advanced alien species must get pretty fucking boring. Maybe they should focus some of that alien know-how on better weed, but that's their problem. With the most powerful relic on the planet in the hands of a disgruntled god, Nick Fury (the Sam Jackson Fury and not the David Hasselhoff Fury) starts assembling the Avengers. He enlists help from Captain America, whose only way of coping with this crazy modern world of iphones and internet porn by hitting a punching bag, and Tony Stark while he's in between cocktails. He even gets Black Widow to take a break from crushing Russian gangsters with her legs to recruit Bruce Banner. No one mentions how Bruce suddenly turned from Edward Norton to Mark Ruffalo, but like the Ashley Olson's eating disorder it's just not shit they like to talk about. The important part is Banner says yes and he agrees to help.

Seriously, who would say no to this?

What follows for a good chunk of the movie is the Avengers basically bickering and getting along about as well as Pat Robertson in a gay bar. It certainly doesn't help when Thor drops in looking to bring his wayward brother to justice for usurping the throne of Asgard, but it makes for a pretty awesome fight scene with Iron Man and Captain America. It doesn't sound too interesting on the surface, dedicating a good chunk of a big budget movie to just having a bunch of superheroes with overly bloated egos argue about whose dick is big enough to screw Loki over. But Joss Whedon makes this shit work. When you think about it, beings this powerful probably should clash. It would be even more disturbing if they all just got along, went out for beers, and took turns hitting on waitress. They're not exactly a team that was trained to work together. They were essentially cobbled together because Nick Fury was in over his head and didn't know how the fuck to handle shit that involves a renegade Asgardian god. The interpersonal dynamics really help flesh each character out. Some that really haven't been fleshed out like Black Widow and Hawkeye get some much needed backstory. It makes things all the more satisfying when shit starts to get heavy.

And yes, it does get pretty fucking heavy. Loki isn't just content with stealing from SHIELD. He needs some extra rare materials to make the Tesseract open the gate he needs to let the Chitauri in so he can grab a drink and watch them fuck up the planet. To do that, he uses his control over Hawkeye and a few tricks that involve pretending to surrender so he can further fuck with the Avengers. Along the way he helps expose a mystery that really twists the dynamics of the movie and of SHIELD in general. It turns out that they weren't researching the Tesseract to tap it's unlimited energy to give every man, woman, and child on Earth free electricity and cell phones that don't die out in the middle of a Mardi Gras wet T-shirt contest (still haven't forgiven Samsung for that). They were going to take a page right out of the Red Skull's playbook in Captain America and use it to make weapons. For reasons that are entirely understandable, the Avengers have a problem with this and Nick Fury doesn't apologize for it.

What? You didn't see me winking when I said I would use it for peace?

This secret threatens to undermine the whole order that SHIELD is trying to maintain in defending the world. To be fair, Nick Fury does offer a pretty valid reason. In previous movies like Thor, alien visitors and gods with way too much fucking time on their hands pretty much decimated an entire town. Granted it was in New Mexico and few outside of a few cattle rancher lobbyists gave a shit, it showed just how woefully unequipped they were. So why not develop the kind of doomsday weapons that tell guys like Loki and the Red Skull "You really want to piece of this, motherfucker?" Even if his reasons are valid, the Avengers aren't too keen on trusting a guy who only has one good eye and a shitty poker face. So when shit goes down, they decide to strike out on their own and end Loki's shit themselves.

Once everything is in place, Loki uses Tony Stark's own massive building that would easily compensate for even the smallest of dicks to open a portal. From there, the Chitauri hit New York almost as hard as the news about Tim Tebow being traded to the Jets. What follows is the kind of epic battle scene that Michael Bay probably jerks off to every night. It's even more satisfying than the previews imply, mostly because the movie dedicated so much time to setting up the dynamics between the Avengers. Plus, it's funny as hell to see the Hulk slam Loki around like a rag doll. Seeing it in 3D makes it all the more engaging. You couldn't ask for a better drawn out battle scene if Joss Whedon himself offered to pack your neighbor's garage with C4 and offered you a front row seat before blowing it up. It's the Avengers taking on an alien hoard and every moment is so immensely satisfying that if it were a hooker, Bill Gates would go bankrupt if he paid by the hour.

Overall, there's so much to love about this movie that I would need several blogs to list it all. Comic book movies have had their ups and downs over the years. Men like Joel Shumacher and Brett Ratner have tried their best to completely destroy the genre, but Joss Whedon and all the fine folk at Marvel have done a great job of giving those douche-bags the finger and showing them how you make a kick ass comic book movie. Watching the Avengers, it should give fans a true appreciation of how far we've come. And I'm not just talking about the five years of movies that built up the continuity that culminated in this one. A lot has happened since the days when comic movies were underfunded and not taken seriously. Now with this movie, it feels like the genre can finally spit on the critics and flex it's muscle.

We've come so far.

The Avengers isn't a perfect movie, but no movie is perfect no matter how many shots of Scarlett Johanssen's ass it tries to squeeze in. Some people will find some shit to be disappointed in. I personally thought it was bullshit when they killed Agent Coulson, but there is simply too much to love about this movie. It is the epitome of comic book excellence. For a long time, Marvel has been playing catch-up with DC since they had great movies like Superman all the way back in the 70s. Now with Avengers, they can finally say they have one-upped their asses and they are now the new standards in awesome. It is a great power for them to bear and hopefully they understand the responsibility of what they've done here. They can easily fall into the same trap as the Wolverine Origins and Superman Returns of the world, but with Avengers they have shown that they can do this shit right and do it well. I give the Avengers a perfect 5 out of 5. If there's even one cell of your body that enjoys comic movies, action movies, thrillers, or just shit that assaults your senses with weapons grade awesome then the Avengers is a movie you must see before you consider your life complete. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue 53: District X Part 2 PREVIEW

It's a big day for Marvel comics fans all over the country! Today is the day that the Avengers movie finally comes out. I'm very excited as I'm sure every Marvel fan is, but my excitement over the Avengers has not made me negate my work with the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. I still work hard to ensure that X-men Supreme continues to move forward. As it just so happens, the X-men are in the midst of a major three-part arc in this fanfiction series. District X is an arc that brings to light the more social aspects of the human/mutant conflict the X-men confront. It's not all just fighting Magneto and giant robots. The X-men have always been a metaphor for civil rights and this arc strikes at the heart of that conflict. The next part will pit mutant against human, brother against brother, and so much more! As such, I've prepared a brief preview.

“NO JUSTICE NO PEACE! NO JUSTICE NO PEACE! NO JUSTICE NO PEACE!”

This was the mantra of the massive mutant riot that was consuming the city just outside the south end of District X. Dozens of mutant chanted these words as they lashed out against the world around them. Spurred by the attack on Pixie and led by Havok, they banded together and used their mutant powers to send a message.

Mutants of many different powers and appearances used their abilities to unleash destruction and strike fear upon petrified civilians. One mutant with electrical powers sent a surge into the light posts lining the city, shorting them out in a dazzling display. Another with big, muscular arms lifted a large pickup truck over his head and threw it into a nearby store. One female mutant with reptilian features punched into a nearby car and tore into the interior while a fellow mutant next to her used bluish flames from his fingertips to ignite the vehicle. When it exploded, it send a cheer throughout the streets and embolden the crowd.

“That’s right! Show them these are our streets too!” yelled Havok, “Show them they can’t hurt one of our own and not pay a price!”

The destruction spread and standing right in the path of the oncoming rioters were Wolverine and Storm. It was not a pleasant sight and one that wouldn’t go over well during an election year. But the greater social ramifications were lost on Wolverine as he drew his claws and stared down the leader of the riot.

“I don’t know who this punk thinks he is, but I’m pretty sure I hate his guts!” he growled.

“This is terrible! What is going on here?”

“Does it matter? We got us a hell of a fight on our hands! Couple hundred mutants against us…I like those odds!”

“I know this is a foolish question to ask, but shouldn’t we call the rest of the X-men before we act so brazenly?” said Storm.

Before they could even contemplate such a notion, the same hulking figure from earlier threw another heavy car. This time it was flung far ahead of the riot and into a populated building. It crashed between the second and third floor of a busy storefront, causing great destruction and sparking a fire. In addition, several terrified people were caught in the chaos and cried out for help.

“Somebody help us! Please!” begged a woman as she protectively hovered over two young children.

Upon seeing this, their predicament was clear. There was no time to understand this situation. They had to act.

“Better get that, darlin’! We don’t need to start a body count just yet!” said Wolverine.

“Agreed!” said the African woman, “But what will you do?”

“You gonna ask another foolish question or are you gonna fight?” he grunted as he ran towards the heart of the riot.

Storm grunted in frustration, but she had no time to debate his brash actions. Her eyes flashed white and she took to the air. She quickly formed some storm clouds overhead to put out the fires with rain. Then she kicked up a wind storm to get the women and children out. They cowered at first in her presence, but were grateful when they were flown to safety. As she set them down, more heavy debris flew out from the riot. It headed towards more civilians, but Storm was able to redirect it with her winds. The people were trying to get away, but they just weren’t fast enough.

While she was taking care of the civilians, Wolverine set his sights on Havok. He was running full speed, passing civilians along the way and dodging rocks and other debris. He figured if he was going to stop this mess, he had to hit at the source.

“That’s far enough, bub! Hrrraahhhh!” he roared.

Havok was caught by minor surprise when he saw the feral figure attack through the dust and smoke. He tried to react and counter the move, but Wolverine was too fast. He was quickly pinned to the pavement, his bullhorn shattering in the process.

“Augh! Who the hell do you think you are?!” exclaimed Havok.

“I’m a doctor! I give a special kind of therapy to punks like you!” snarled Wolverine, pointing his claws at Havok’s neck.

“You think you can stop this? The people of District X will never be stopped! Not until we make our stand!”

“I got your stand right here!” said the feral mutant, pushing his claws right up to his jugular, “Now are you gonna call this off or is this gonna have to get messy?”

“It already has!”

While many comic book fans are obsessing over the Avengers movie, I will still do my part to keep X-men prominent here on X-men Supreme. I've had a few requests at times to get other Marvel characters involved in the world of X-men Supreme. Believe me, I wish I could. In an ideal world, I would make Marvel Universe 1015 as expansive as 616. Unfortunately, I do not have enough time or energy, nor do I have sufficient incentive. I spend a great deal of time making sure the X-men Supreme fanfiction series is of sufficient quality. So for the time being, I simply cannot include other characters like Spider-Man, the Avengers, and the Fantastic Four. But if someone out there is willing to give it a try and respect what I've established here in X-men Supreme, please contact me and I'll be happy to talk! In the meantime, X-men Supreme will continue to update regularly and I hope to have a bio ready for Havok after the conclusion of the District X arc. Until next time, take care and best wishes everybody! Excelsior!

Jack

Avengers vs. X-men #3 - Strategic Awesome

There's always a moment of awkwardness when you're on a drinking bender and you wake up in some stranger's bed naked with a ball gag and a butt plug and you can't remember how you got into this position. In my experience, claiming you were rehearsing for an acting gig in a low-budget porno helps make the man/woman/transvestite slightly less upset. It probably doesn't work as well if you're an X-man and you just got done fighting the Avengers. It probably doesn't help that the very red-haired, green-eyed, non-Jean Grey reason you were fighting flashed some Phoenix flares and ran off. It's like two drug dealers fighting over turf while a cunning junkie looking for some freebies sneaks in and swipes their stash of blow.

This is the situation in Avengers vs. X-men more or less, minus the blow unfortunately. Marvel's epic ball-busting event hit the ground running with the first two issues and really shot a nice dose of crystal meth into the mix with the previous issue. In just two issues Marvel effectively delivered on what they promised. They said that this event would have the Avengers and the X-men beating the shit out of each other and that's exactly what we got in Avengers vs. X-men #2. It was an epic struggle made possible by Cyclops essentially giving the finger to Captain America when he demanded that they hand over Hope. The struggle filled the issue with action almost as worthy as a bar fight between Eagles fans and Giants fans. However, with ten more issues to go you couldn't expect one side to tap out that quickly.

This is where it gets a little fucked up. During the battle in Avengers vs. X-men #2, Wolverine said "Fuck it, I'm going after the pretty redhead that looks like the married woman I tried to bone." He thought he could end this conflict by giving Hope a nice adamantium special. In a move that struck a blow for redheads everywhere, she flared her Phoenix glory and fried Wolverine to bone before going AWOL on both sides. It's at least partially a dick move, but you get to see Wolverine burnt to a crisp so that's a bonus.

Avengers vs. X-men #3 begins with a scene similar to what I described earlier with the ball gag and butt plug. Wolverine wakes up on Utopia after being out for a bit, not unlike a bender but with more third degree burns. Spider-Man is there waiting for him, likely chuckling at his junk with a new set of clothes. He tells Wolverine that after Hope left, everyone had an awkward moment and stopped fighting. Then Cyclops decided to surrender. So there you have it! The X-men lost AvX and the Avengers won! Wait...you mean there's still 9 more issues left? Well fuck me with a pineapple. Something done gone horribly wrong and Wolverine picks up on it.

Now all the X-men are subdued, docile, and defeated (I'll give you a minute to roll your eyes). The Avengers gather them in the center of Utopia where they now have to decide just what the fuck they're going to do with all these defeated X-men. Apparently, they really didn't think that far ahead. It's like invading a sovereign country without any plans to rebuild it after...okay, bad example. But it leads to another difficult issue. The X-men made their own fucking country with Utopia so technically does that mean they're even subject to US law?

Even if you believe international law isn't bullshit, what the fuck do you charge them with? The Avengers are the ones that came onto their soil and demanded they fork over one of their most valuable citizens. Unless you're fucking Poland, you don't take that shit. It makes for a pretty tense moment between Captain America and Iron Man. In it Iron Man likens Captain America to the position he was in during Civil War where he thought it was a good idea to start locking up superheroes for no reason. Seeing as how that ended with Cap getting his ass shot, that should be cause for concern. But it's an interesting parallel. Did Marvel bring it up for a reason? Probably not, but I guess that depends on how stoned they were when they planned this shit.

Everything is getting pretty heated and no one seems to know just what the fuck they can do at this point, never mind the fact that Hope is now missing. While they're arguing, Dr. Strange shows up with an unconscious Magik in his arms. In the last issue, he had to travel to some mystic dimension and face off against a homicidal teenage girl who took Buffy the Vampire Slayer way too seriously. It shouldn't be too tough for a man of Dr. Strange's skill to take her down. Well guess what? Apparently the Sorcerer Supreme can handle Dormamu, but not a teenage girl (to be fair Dormamu probably doesn't deal with teenage girls in his dimension so fuck him). Magik pulled a spell that essentially only made it look like Dr. Strange beat her, just like Marvel only made it look like Spider-Man was married. Wolverine, who didn't buy Cyclops's surrender for a second, shows up in just in time to call out his bullshit. It's not fast enough though. Magik exposes the spell and then teleports the X-men away with Cyclops presumably giving the Avengers the finger. It's not the kind of twist that will make you question the potency of your weed, but it works pretty damn well. Now Captain America must take a moment to retrieve his collapsed testicles.

The battle between the X-men and the Avengers is not even close to being over. While the X-men go into hiding and the Avengers regroup, Hope has to find a way to completely unfuck her situation. After deep frying Wolverine, she goes into hiding and tries to assemble a gizmo that she hopes will keep either side from tracking her. Why would she want to stay hidden? Does she really think they'll stop fighting just because she goes on the run? This is not explained. If anything, it's fucking glossed over. This scene really accomplishes nothing aside from reminding readers that Hope is still the Phoenix's main target. She still thinks she can handle the fucking Phoenix Force better than some other red-haired, green eyed mutant that wasn't nearly as big a bitch (her name escapes me). But while she's making her little gizmo, she looks into the mirror and sees another Phoenix flash. It's a nice reminder that bratty teenage redheads that think they can handle cosmic forces are in for a rude fucking awakening.

With no X-men in custody to interrogate or send to Dick Cheney's basement, they turn to other allies in an effort to find Hope. As it just so happens, Wolverine runs a school full of mutants that includes a powerful telepath related to Jean Grey (from an alternate dimension mind you, but still) and a working Cerebro. They get in touch with Rachel, who does a quick scan only to inform them that she picked up a signal in 5 different locations ranging from the Savage Land to Latveria. Why the Phoenix Force couldn't flash in a place like Las Vegas or a German brothel is beyond me, but fuck if the Avengers don't have their work cut out for them.

But there's a problem with this whole report. Earlier in the comic, Cyclops and the X-men slipped back under the radar. They knew that if they were going to find Hope, they needed a working Cerebro. Well Cyclops decided to test Rachel's loyalty to a guy that tried to fuck her mother and guess what? Blood is thicker than guys obsessed with married redheads. Rachel is revealed to be working with Cyclops from the Jean Grey Institute. It's another twist that isn't too mind-blowing, but it sets up some very interesting dynamics because it means Cyclops is pulling the strings while Captain America is being led astray faster than anyone who listens to Alex Jones's radio show.

Despite the inherent danger of trusting the alternate dimension daughter of his enemy, Captain America divides the Avengers up into five teams so they can head out to each location in search of Hope. Now this guy is supposed to be the best strategies since General Patton and he's running around like a drunk monkey trying to handle his own shit. If that makes me unpatriotic, then I apologize to the NSA and DOJ who I know read everything on the internet.

 
But Captain America is less worried about the traps he's walking into and more about the loyalty of his own people. After he drags Wolverine along on his team to the Savage Land, he pulls him aside to tell him that running off on his own in an effort to stab Hope is not cool. He sounds reasonable at first, discouraging the murder of a teenage girl that may or may not be the new host for the Phoenix Force. But consider for a moment that Wolverine has way more experience with the Phoenix Force and it's killed people he deeply cares about (namely a red-haired, green-eyed woman not named Hope). He knows this thing. Captain America doesn't and he seems to think that just imprisoning her will stop the Phoenix Force from getting to her. Yeah, I don't care if you are a war hero, but even brain damaged dog knows that's bullshit.

Not one to take such insubordination lightly, Captain America decides to knock some sense into Wolverine. They start fighting with the same epic, emotional tenacity that hasn't been shown since the battle between Cyclops and Wolverine in Schism. Damn, this marks the second old friend of his that he's not come to blows with. Either this guy has a temper or his social skills suck. The fight that ensues spans multiple pages and is depicted beautifully. It's not as epic as the big Avengers/X-men brawl in the previous issue, but this one still has serious impact because to this point Wolverine has been an Avenger. Well here it looks like he can pretty much cancel his invitation to Tony Stark's next birthday party/orgy.

Wolverine and Captain America bloody each other up as much as you can expect for a fight that takes up a good chunk of the comic. However, this is a battle Wolverine wasn't going to win. He's on a jet with other Avengers and after Cap determines he's not going to beat any sense into this man, he calls on Giant Man to come over and kick his ass off the jet and out of the Avengers...literally. It marks a major turning point and not just because Wolverine gets his ass kicked again and tossed out of yet another superhero team. Captain America just threw away the only guy in the Avengers who knows the Phoenix Force. He now is essentially moving forward in this battle with one hand tied behind his back, an eye gouged out, and a testicle missing. So while the Avengers may have won the fight in the last issue, they're in the process of fucking themselves out of future fights.

I'm sure this isn't too much consolation for Wolverine. The man has to fall a few thousand feet from the sky and into the ocean. I'm sure he's sustained worse at a Korean whore house, but now he's once again on his own and he'll have to carve his own way through this battle. He's not going to side with Cyclops. Not after the shit in Schism. Captain America made it clear he's not welcome with the Avengers anymore. So what's a deranged anti-social Canadian with a thing for stabbing redheads to do? Well that and all the other twists are set to unfold in the next issue so if all you wanted was to see Wolverine get his ass kicked and humbled, I think this issue should have a special place in your heart.

After an issue like Avengers vs. X-men #2, it's unreasonable and pretty douchy to expect the next issue to deliver on the same epic scale. You might as well ask Pamela Anderson to fuck you with another pair of perfect tits. I've seen a few reviews of this issue on the web and a lot of them bitch and moan about how there wasn't much action in this and not enough progression. I think those reviewers need to do what I do and get drunk before they review each comic because there's no way their sober minds are capable of grasping the bigger picture with comics like this. Avengers vs. X-men #3 is awesome, but in a different way compared to the previous issue. It moves the story forward and throws in a few twists. In the scheme of a large event like this, you couldn't ask for better progression and any comic reviewer that says otherwise must be kicked in the balls by law.

Now that's not to say I think this issue is as awesome as it's predecessor. It isn't, but not by much. Some details were glossed over, namely the scene with Hope. It really didn't do much aside from reminding readers that she's still on the Phoenix Force's shit list. And aside from Iron Man and Captain America, none of the other Avengers really said much. Given the size and scope of this mission, you would think that one of them would have had some shit to say. We didn't even get to see how the battle in space with Thor's team panned out, which I know was handled in another comic but still. There were just too many background characters that didn't get to play a part. Granted, it made for a longer and more drawn out brawl with Wolverine and Captain America, but it still comes off as somewhat lacking.

Whatever was glossed over was more than made up for with the smooth, efficient way in which this issue moved the event forward. It flowed nicely from the events of the previous issue and set up a wide range of additional conflicts that promise to span all corners of the globe. As it stands, it's not clear which side has the upper hand or the moral high ground for that matter. Marvel is playing a careful balancing act with each side and right now that balance is worthy of a circus act. I give Avengers vs. X-men #3 a 4.5 out of 5. I don't know what strange place they'll emerge in the next issue. But like waking up in a stranger's bed, it always means there was some pretty awesome shit leading up to it. Nuff said!