Wolverine and the X-men #16 - A Childhood Well-Wasted

I've always thought that greedy business people get a bad wrath. Yeah, they're amoral, narcissistic, douche-bags. Yes, they are probably the closest thing we have in the real world to real super-villains outside of North Korea. But they do make vital contributions to the economy. Their ill-gotten blood money pays the salaries of the honest men and women who sell caviar, Hummers, mansions, and breast implants. The wheels of progress would stop turning without them. Even though guys like Sheldon Adleson and the Koch brothers would probably eat a live baby if it meant squeezing more money out of a failing economy, they have their place.

As such, it's really no surprise that we have similar douche-bags in comics. Granted, they do much more than give money to Mitt Romney or pay lobbyists to anally rape the average worker. In comics, if you're an amoral businessman or woman you either need to be investing in death rays or killer robots. In the pages of Wolverine and the X-men and going back to the events of Schism, that's what the new Hellfire Club has been doing. Granted, they're still a bunch of snot nosed kids. And they'll probably only do half the evil shit the Koch brothers do. But they've been finding creative ways to harass the X-men for quite some time now. It's only logical that they would find ways to continue doing so during the events of Avengers vs. X-men.

Now you would think that businesses built around waging war against mutants at a time when Phoenix powered X-men are outlawing war would be a shitty business model, but then again these are still kids. They haven't even experiences shaving, let alone have the necessary skills to adapt their model to something less fucked up. But in the pages of Wolverine and the X-men, they are set to take on the Phoenix Five for a quick buck. Somewhere out there, Gordon Gecko is wiping away tears of pride for these crazy kids.

Wolverine and the X-men #15 takes the Avengers vs. X-men story back a few issues when it was still awesome. It revisits the new Hellfire Club, which has since been overtaken by a bunch of sociopath kids that are only slightly less evil than my classmates in middle school. Now for an event involving Avengers, X-men, and cosmic forces the kid Hellfire Club seems woefully out of place. But Jason Aaron tries to work them into the mix in a way that sounds logical. In the pages of Wolverine and the X-men, the Hellfire Club is revealed to be the main suppliers of sentinel components. Well now that the Phoenix Five have taken over, demand for their services has increased among the paranoid, the bigoted, and the Rick Santorum supporters. So they hold a little seminar for prospective buyers, showing off their latest sentinel tech. They may not be designed for cosmic power, but I'm guessing the buyers don't know that so I doubt the Hellfire Club gives a quarter of a fuck.

Their ability to give so few fucks continues even after the Phoenix Five destroy all their fancy sentinel toys. Cyclops (who hasn't met the kid Hellfire Club yet) first thinks they're just regular kids whose parents dragged them to some shitty business meeting because they couldn't find a sitter. He's obviously a little skeptical when Emma tells them they're the real Hellfire Club and should be killed in ways that the Vatican only wishes were possible. Cyclops, once again proving that he's able to manage the Phoenix Force when the Avengers aren't attacking him, decides not to kill the kids. Yet the kids have the audacity to call him fascist. I'm sorry, but when was it fascist to shut down a business built on selling killing machines specifically designed to destroy an entire race? Them calling Cyclops fascist is like Rush Limbaugh calling the NAACP racist. Yet to their credit or out of sheer madness, the kids don't resist when the Phoenix Five throw them in jail.

But rather than whine for their mommy and daddy or demand a juice box, Kade Kilgore (the Black King) is remarkably comfortable in prison at Rykers Island. He follows the standard prison rules that he probably learned from staying up late and watching softcore porn on Cinemax and goes to beat up the toughest guy he can find. But he's still a fucking kid. All he does is just offer money to anyone who will beat him up for him. For a kid to have balls like this, which probably don't even have hair at this point, it's pretty ridiculous even if it is badass on the surface. The saddest part is that it works. Prisoners in the Marvel universe apparently take crazy kids seriously. Go figure.

From here, the plot pretty much detaches itself completely from the events of Avengers vs. X-men. This may seem kind of random, but given how shitty Avengers vs. X-men #11 turned out that's not a bad thing. Instead, we get a mini-biopic about where Kade Kilgore came from. It's not an unreasonable story to tell. This kid just randomly showed up in Schism, acting like a mini Sebastian Shaw in how he took over the Hellfire Club. It's hard to believe that he's a fucking kid. It would make more sense if he was a Skrull or something MODOK fucked up when trying to recreate the Olson twins. So an explanation on where he came from is definitely warranted even if the timing is a little off.

However, the origin isn't as fancy as it probably should be. Kade isn't some alien kid or some failed genetics experiment. He's just your typical aspiring sociopath, following the traditions of Ted Bundy and Richard Ramirez by spending his spare time torturing bugs. Then his father confesses one night that he murdered Kade's mother because she was going to leave him and take his money. Apparently, his father didn't want to emulate Tiger Woods. That inspired Kade to hang out with old military men and learn about killing people. He later paid a mortician to allow him to eviscerate dead bodies. All the while Kade is narrating this as if he's doing a walkthrough for the last Pokemon game. Yet he's still a kid so it's hard to take him too seriously.

As the flashback continues, we get to his first visit to the Hellfire Club. Apparently, his father was a member. Like a lot of rich guys, he liked to spend his time hanging out with his fellow rich douche-bags and bang hookers. For some reason, he brought Kade with him. Again, maybe he was just too cheap to hire a babysitter or something like that, but it's here where Kade set the stage for when he would take over the Hellfire Club. He announced that he would kill his father and take his place. Naturally, the rich douche-bags of the Hellfire Club laughed their ass off. Then Kade shot one of them to let them know he wasn't fucking around. It sounds fucked up, but it does actually fill in a solid blank from Schism. It showed how Kade was able to work his way into the Hellfire Club so quickly. He had already killed his way to the top and his father was none the wiser. Apparently, the Hellfire Club didn't worry too much about him because he was too busy banging hookers and Kade wasn't at an age where beautiful women interested him enough. Maybe he should just stick to Pokemon.

Back in the present, Kade's prison riot creates enough chaos to allow him to make his escape. He meets up with his fellow Hellfire Club playmates. They're also remarkably well-adjusted to prison. Hell, the psychotic girl didn't want to leave because she was enjoying the mindless violence. It actually makes me wish Aaron had time to explore their history as well. Were they just like Kade in that they were born extra psychotic and weren't given enough Ritalin to keep them in check? We don't know. All we know is they get along very well with Kade so we're left to assume they're just as fucked up. And thanks to all their money and connections, they're able to fly out without even paying the prisoners for taking him up on their offer. In fact, he even has some of the prisoners killed. That sounds about right for your typical child psychopath.

Once they escape, they decide to lay low and prepare to make more sentinels. They fully expect the events of Avengers vs. X-men to increase demand for anti-mutant hardware and they're probably right. So armed with money and the gullibility that most adults have towards children, they make their way to Westchester where the Jean Grey Institute resides. It's probably a lot less hostile than Utopia at the moment, but it ensures they'll still be a factor in future X-men stories. It won't make the fact that they're fucking kids any less ridiculous, but it will ensure that giant robots will be around to attack the X-men and that shit is never ridiculous.

Like the Uncanny X-men tie in, I think it's probably a good thing that Jason Aaron hasn't attempted to link his book up with the events of Avengers vs. X-men at this point. That would be like tailgating at a football game where your team has already forfeited.  It defeats the purpose, unless your a Cleveland Browns fan I guess. But unlike Uncanny X-men, this comic fails to be all that compelling despite making an admirable effort. The story surrounding the kid Hellfire Club has been sort of a lingering plot for a while now. It's nice that Aaron decided to address it and it's not entirely unreasonable to do it at a time when mutants are the top dogs with the Phoenix Five. But there's only so much you can do to make a background story about evil kids turned business tyrants tenable.

The connections with Avengers vs. X-men in this story were loose at best and so was the overall premise with Kade Kilgore. He's a crazy kid whose father liked to bang the hookers at the Hellfire Club. That's fine. Who doesn't? But his ability to torture and manipulate without a shred of guilt is a trait shared by many kids and pretty much every single 13-year-old at some point in their lives. Hell, Mitt Romney admitted he used to bully gays at his old school. But he's still a fucking kid. He wasn't possessed by a demon or abducted by aliens. He's just a psychotic kid who for some reason people take seriously. Either pedophilia isn't nearly as scorned in the Marvel universe or business folk are just that fucking gullible. It simply didn't resonate. It didn't make Kade any less ridiculous, nor did it even touch on his fellow psychotic associates.

An issue like Wolverine and the X-men #16 has its place. In the end it's good that Jason Arron made an effort to explore the new kid Hellfire Club. It does actually fill in some of the blanks regarding how this kid managed to weave his way into the Hellfire Club before he triggered the events of Schism. However, you still have to get over the notion that he's still a kid. Maybe my imagination just isn't that twisted enough outside of Korean fetish porn, but I can't bring myself to call this awesome. It's still a decent and well-written story. So for that, I give Wolverine and the X-men #16 a 3 out of 5. If you can buy the notion that kids are devious enough to attain the power of the Hellfire Club, then you'll probably be able to jerk off to this book. But unless you're Jerry Sandusky, you probably won't feel very comfortable doing so. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue 62: Partners In Madness Part 2 is LIVE!

It's a great day for some epic moments in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series! I've been teasing that the current arc, Partners in Madness, is a prelude to a much bigger X-men Supreme arc that promises to be the most epic to date. I've spent so much time talking about it and I'm just about ready to start delivering! I think it's fitting that as Marvel prepares to end their big epic event, Avengers vs. X-men, I'm preparing to do an event on the same scale. Now I honestly didn't plan for it to line up like this, but I'm glad Marvel fans and X-men fans who seek the same epic scale of awesome in Avengers vs. X-men will have something to turn to with X-men Supreme. This fanfiction series is poised to take a big step forward while setting the stage for the end of X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope. It's fitting that the spark comes from the always volatile Deadpool. Well that spark erupts in more ways than one with this latest issue. Check it out and you'll see why!

Issue 62: Partners in Madness Part 2

The prelude is done. And the end of this latest issue should offer a telling clue as to what that event entails. And readers of Avengers vs. X-men should be in familiar territory. This epic X-men Supreme event should be the biggest to date and lay the foundation for a new era in this fanfiction series. As this event nears, I'll focus mostly on keeping the event on schedule. However, I do plan on doing a quick bios update for Deadpool when I get a chance. So stay tuned for that. I know Deadpool has his ardent fans and I have every intention of doing them justice in the world of X-men Supreme.

As the biggest event of X-men Supreme to date draws near, I once again wish to emphasize the importance of reviews. Feedback goes a long ways towards making a story on this scale awesome. I want the X-men Supreme fanfiction series to be as awesome as possible and to do that I have to make these big events count. So please be sure to post your feedback on each issue. Or contact me directly if you wish. I'm always open to chat! As always, I thank all the wonderful readers who have given me their support (Stormbreaker, Bumilinger, and Wolverine 198 especially have my thanks). Until next time, take care and best wishes! Excelsior!

Jack

Uncanny X-men #18 - Last Ditch Awesome

Every great story is usually built around either an epically awesome or epically fucked up relationship. Usually, one side of that relationship has big tits. In recent times we've already seen how relationship drama can get readers excited, soaking panties and making dicks hard in comic shops all over the world. The bonerific reveal with Superman and Wonder Woman made national fucking news. When Marvel broke up Spider-Man and Mary Jane's marriage with a fucking deal with the devil, fans everywhere threw an epic fit that probably ensured that Joe Quesada's coffee will always have a certain amount of urine in it. The point is readers care about who their favorite characters are boning. That's why the Cyclops/Emma Frost relationship has always been a delightful/nauseating topic of conversation.

I've brought this relationship up on many different occasions with this blog. Some of the time it's to point out how Marvel knows that a good chunk of their audience jerks off to these comics because they constantly put Cyclops and Emma in scenes you don't find in good relationships, but you do find in nearly every porno ever made. Most of the time it's also to point out how Marvel has fucked this relationship up in ways no porno could ever adequately depict. This relationship was not billed as the epic love story between Cyclops and Jean Grey. It was supposed to be different. But different is not just bed scenes and witty remarks ripped off from episodes of Two and a Half Men.

Moreover, Marvel has shown time and again that they will not do anything whatsoever to inject any drama into this relationship. They've officially become the same sacred cow that fans used to bitch and moan about with Cyclops and Jean. They're two characters that are just together for the sake of it. Cyclops and Emma don't act romantic. They don't get married. They don't raise a family. They just fuck and pose so that fans can jerk off to them more easily. And even when Namor showed that he may be snaking his way into Emma's panties, Marvel did absolutely jack shit with it. Now I roll my eyes and take a shot of whiskey every time Marvel pretends they're going to rough things up between them. As you would expect, it leaves me very skeptical and very drunk. So it's not a total loss.

Well Avengers vs. X-men promised to mix things up with them. There have been some signs in the story with Cyclops focusing on finding Hope when Emma is clearly getting drunk off Phoenix power. Then there are the covers like Avengers vs. X-men #11 that shows them fighting. Well, covers of this nature often reek of bullshit with Marvel. So I took my obligatory shots ahead of time. But for Uncanny X-men #18, the story promises to focus on the conflict between Cyclops and Emma. Usually when there's conflict, that just means Marvel is trying to find another way for them to have makeup sex. So going into this story, I had the whiskey and the bottle of lube ready and waiting.

Uncanny X-men #18 starts with Cyclops channeling his inner Charlie Sheen when Magneto says this shit may be going to far. Again, I can't help but wonder what "too far" means in this context. He's creating a worldwide utopia. How can that be going to far? That's like having sex with a beautiful women and having too many orgasms. You might as well warn someone that they're being too good. But Cyclops flat out tells Magneto off, reminding him that there's one key difference between them. Cyclops is actually winning. He created a worldwide utopia while the best Magneto could do was have his daughter go crazy and warp reality to his whim. That's not winning. That's cheating.

But it isn't all about Cyclops, Charlie Sheen, and winning. One plot that's been lost in the shit storm that is Avengers vs. X-men is the fate of the Phoenix Five that lost their share of the Phoenix Force. We still haven't seen what Namor has been up to since he lost his share. He's presumably drowning his sorrows in a three-way with two hot blondes that Hugh Hefner got tired off. But for Colossus and Magik, it's a bit less lurid. After having been tricked into beating the Phoenix (among other things) out of one another, they're left to ponder how much it sucks not to have cosmic power anymore. Magik appears as indifferent as any girl who watched too much MTV in the early 90s, but Colossus is lamenting at how crazy he got while hopped up on the Phoenix Force. It's like Rick James saying cocaine is a hell of a drug, but with less bravado. If he's this torn up over how guilty he feels for just flaunting his cosmic power to impress his ex-girlfriend, it's hard to imagine how fucked up Cyclops will be when he comes to. But that's for another issue and another drunken review.

But in Colossus's pained musings, Magik does what annoying siblings are supposed to do and pour sulfuric acid in fresh wounds. It actually looks like she gets a pussy boner seeing Colossus lament over what he's done. She then uses this opportunity to let her know that she intended for him to become the new Juggernaut. Back during the Fear Itself tie-in, she never expected that she would have to be the one that gets more hulked out than Barry Bonds on a bad day. She actually wanted her brother to sacrifice himself to become Juggernaut. Why, you ask? Can it just be for the same reasons that normal sisters tell you that they poked holes in your condoms before your prom night? Actually, it's not quite that cruel. She just wanted him to understand that she was not his snowflake anymore. She was utterly damned and he should've accepted it. And he finally does if by accept you mean get extremely pissed and attack her with his full Juggernaut power.

This moment may seem out of place for an Avengers vs. X-men tie in. Perhaps it would be better suited for this story to play out in the pages of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences, which is set to come out after this shit has finally been pinched off and flushed. But it does add some compelling insight to the overall event in that it shows how the Phoenix Force fucked with its hosts. It showed how Colossus couldn't stop himself and how few fucks Magik gave in the end. And like Sinister, it tied into some of the earlier plots Kieron Gillen established in his Uncanny X-men run. Even in an event that has been shot to shit, those connections help make it a little extra awesome.

While two siblings are finally at each others' throats like they should have been long ago, two lovers are in a similar position. Cyclops and Emma are enjoying a nice, fancy feast in the midst of a looming battle with the Avengers. Actually, they're not really having a feast of any kind. All this shit is happening in their minds. Seeing as how their entire relationship was built on fooling around with their thoughts to fulfill deviant sexual fetishes, it seems appropriate. Then Emma reveals that their steak dinner was dipped in human blood and Cyclops loses his appetite. You know you're dating a crazy psycho-bitch when she starts making light of cannibalism.

We also find out that while this may be happening in their minds, the battle with the Avengers and X-men is still going on. In fact, all this shit seems to be happening within the panels of Avengers vs. X-men #11. It's a little confusing and it certainly doesn't match up precisely if you read both issues together (which isn't recommended since Avengers vs. X-men #11 sucked donkey ass). But this is one instance where it's probably best for a tie-in not to match up with the main event book. Since the event book sucks, it can only make the tie-in suck worse.

But Kieron Gillen doesn't really emphasize the battle going on outside their minds. The focus is mostly on the conversation between Cyclops and Emma. They discuss how pretty much everyone in the X-men has turned on them. Again, they don't really explain why. They went through the trouble of creating a worldwide utopia. Apparently, that's too evil for them. And they're now fighting with the Avengers, the same assholes to started this fight and kept making shit worse with their attacks on the Phoenix. So it's actually understandable when Emma suggests that they don't deserve a utopia and they should just torch the planet and start from scratch. It's a very Emma Frost thing to say, probably because it would mean she's less likely to break a nail. But Cyclops says otherwise.

This leads a conversation that probably would have made Avengers vs. X-men #11 a lot less shitty. First, Emma flat out admits that she mind-humped Namor during the Wakanda attack. She doesn't even show a shred of remorse for it and Cyclops barely cringes. She claims that she still loves Cyclops, but how much weight does that love carry when you admit you want to fuck another guy? It's another instance of Gillen tying in some of the other plots he's explored in the pages of Uncanny X-men and this time it's not just brushed aside. It seems to rub more salt in the open wound that has become the Cyclops/Emma relationship. For so long, Marvel has pretty much ignored any potential drama between these two because apparently they derive every aspect of their relationship from bad pornos. This time they're being a bit more direct and it's long overdue.

It all culminates in the big climactic scene that also ended Avengers vs. X-men #11. After hearing that his girlfriend wants to torch the planet and fuck other men, Cyclops essentially gives her a Phoenix powered bitch slap. He makes clear that he doesn't see eye-to-eye with her anymore and proceeds to blast her in the midst of the battle, which did happen in Avengers vs. X-men #11. He then proceeded to take her portion of the Phoenix, but Gillen was a bit more poetic about it. Rather than rip it out of her, he drank it in the form of a fine glass of wine. There's a certain level of subtle awesome in that gesture and one that I think sends a much greater message than what was sent in the regular comic. The end basically shows Cyclops just before he goes Dark Phoenix, but seeing as how Avengers vs. X-men #11 was such a piss poor book you're probably better off just using your imagination.

Now this could end up being the end of Cyclops and Emma's relationship. When one character rips their share of cosmic power out of another, that tends to be the kind of shit that couples therapy doesn't help. But at the same time, Marvel could just as easily brush this off by having Cyclops say "The Phoenix made me do it!" and they can go back to fucking in bed so that the Marvel editors can jerk off on their lunch break. I personally hope that this is the end of it, but when has Marvel ever catered to the whims of a drunk?

I've always had a soft spot for comics that focus more on relationships than just having a couple heroes beat the shit out of a monster. Avengers vs. X-men #11 took care of that shit and did a really lousy job of it. But that didn't stop Kieron Gillen from adding a personal touch with this comic. If anything, I wish that the events in this comic actually played out in Avengers vs. X-men #11. It would have made that issue a billion times more awesome. But I'm content with Gillen to sprinkle a little cold on the shit pile that is Avengers vs. X-men. He ensures that while the rest of Marvel may be fumbling around like a bunch of drunk monkeys with their nuts stapled to the side of their legs, he still has a talent for digging deep with the characters.

Gillen did something here that was only hinted at in Avengers vs. X-men #11. He had Cyclops and Emma clash over how to use the Phoenix Force to save the world. Emma wanted to destroy it and start from scratch. Cyclops wanted a less destructive route. Emma clearly showed signs that the Phoenix Force was fucking with her mind in the same way a bad strain of weed fucks with your ability to keep your balance. Cyclops showed signs that he was still focused on keeping control of the Phoenix. It wasn't until the Avengers and Xavier pushed him over the edge that he lost it. And for once, Cyclops actually responds to Emma's bullshit in a way that may be harder to work around than a quick bed scene. Now I fully expect Marvel to do something ridiculously contrived to keep these two together because I'm sure every writer at Marvel jerks off to the bed scenes with these two. But at least Gillen made it seem like the power of love won't be enough for these two.

Avengers vs. X-men may be neck deep in bullshit right now, but that doesn't mean the tie-in issues can't be entertaining. Kieron Gillen has maintained a consistent level of awesome since the beginning of Uncanny X-men. And even though this series is ending to make way for All New X-men, Gillen is certainly making the most of what's left in his run. This issue wasn't quite as good as the Sinister arc and the stench from Avengers vs. X-men #11 is hard to escape when the events happen right in the middle of that story. It's also hard to be viable when the sibling battle between Colossus and Magik is ended without much resolution. Even so, this was still an enjoyable issue to read. I give it a 3.5 out of 5.

At the beginning of the issue, it encourages readers to check out Avengers vs. X-men #11 before reading this issue. Seeing as how that issue sucked the balls of several diseased rhinos, it's probably best you ignore that warning. If possible, just throw some white out over that warning and enjoy this issue for what it's worth. Or do what I do and take a few shrooms to destroy any brain cells you may have left of Avengers vs. X-men #11. Either way works, but the shoorms are more fun. Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men #11 - Underwhelmingly Fatal

When someone takes a massive shit on your favorite meal, it's hard to keep eating. Most reasonable people push their plate away, kindly call for the manager, and ask that they kick the head chef in the balls. Unfortunately, that's not always possible. Sometimes when you're committed to eating a meal, you're forced to either eat around it or eat through it. Now why would anyone in their right mind eat shit? Well it usually follows sentences like "I'll bet you $50 bucks" and "Want a shot a tequila?" When good comic book events go bad, you don't even get the luxury of a bet or a shot of liquor. If you want to keep going, you have to eat around that shit. It'll stink to high hell, you'll want to throw up, and you'll probably get extremely sick. But unless you're a total pussy, you go through with it.

Now I'm not implying that Avengers vs. X-men #10 was akin to a tidal wave of explosive diarrhea on the overall event, but someone at Marvel was definitely doing shots of hot sauce when writing this issue. In just one issue, the entire event went from a viable conflict between two superhero teams to just another glorified monster battle. The Avengers and the X-men aren't fighting anymore. Hell, most of the X-men are on their knees preparing to suck Captain America's dick to atone for siding with Cyclops and the Phoenix Five. Because apparently siding with the same people who sought to create a worldwide utopia is something you have to apologize for. For some reason, heroes have to have the world fucked because the idea of innocent people not being in danger all the time makes them cranky.

I could do a whole blog post on how Marvel has completely fucked the concept of Avengers vs. X-men. Hell, I'm still waiting for a viable explanation as to why no one has pointed out that the Avengers were the ones responsible for the Phoenix Five in the first place. If they didn't give Tony Stark so many high tech toys and no women to distract him, the Phoenix wouldn't have been split. And when the Phoenix Five tried to make a better world by ending shit like poverty, famine, and war the Avengers thought the best solution was to blindly attack them and take the mutant messiah they fought so hard to protect. That's like beating up a hungry bear with a juicy steak and then bitching about it when the bear mauls your ass.

Then there's Hope Summers herself. If ever there was a character I was more eager to see die at the hands of the Phoenix, it's her. This pissant piece of shit ripoff character is about as likable as an infected rectal wart. First she was ready for the Phoenix. Then she wasn't. Now she claims she's ready again and only after ditching the people who sacrificed damn near everything to save her miserable rip-off ass in Second Coming in favor of the group of heroes who have no fucking experience whatsoever in dealing with the Phoenix Force and did precisely dick to come to your rescue when Bastion was trying to blow your head off. I'm usually not in favor of any character suffering needlessly in a story, but I make an exception for Hope "Jean Ripoff" Summers. May the Phoenix snap her neck and peck her fucking eyes out.

But I digress. While Avengers vs. X-men #10 sucked elephant balls, I usually give a big event one mulligan. Marvel has already promised that Avengers vs. X-men #11 will be giant sized and carry this shit forward. So like the guy who took the bet and the shot of tequila, I'm willing to eat around the shit. Avengers vs. X-men #11starts by further defeating the purpose of the title. The Avengers and X-men are gathering for one last assault on Cyclops and Emma. Because that's been working so damn well to this point, attacking the Phoenix head on. Captain America goes out of his way to enlist Hulk (the green one and not the red one) while Rogue (apparently back from her adventure with cat people dongs) meets up with Professor Xavier and the rest of the Avengers. It's yet another bullshit moment where Rogue and the X-men admit they were wrong and the readers are left wondering WTF? She was wrong for siding with the people who wanted to create a worldwide utopia? Xavier claims to love his X-men, but forgets to mention that he's been fucking MIA since House of M and done jack shit for the X-men until now. Yet nobody says a fucking word. It's like the long-snapper of the New York Giants claiming he's the reason why they won the Superbowl. It makes you want to punch the guy in the balls and shit in his mouth so he'll shut the fuck up.

As for their targets, the Phoenix powered Cyclops and Emma are in the midst of a friendly debate. By that I mean they're discussing how easy it would be to just burn the whole fucking planet to a crisp and start from scratch. Emma Frost already entertained that idea in the previous issue and now she's essentially tempting Cyclops to do the same. Then in yet another display of him NOT being an asshole with the Phoenix, he tells her to cut that shit out. It gets somewhat tense, but as we've seen before Marvel never lets shit get tense with Cyclops and Emma. Even though the cover depicts them going at it like Rick James and Tina Turner, it's no more serious than arguing over where to go to dinner for these two. And if they were going to fight, Marvel 'conveniently' ensured their favorite porno couple doesn't get the chance because that's when the Avengers show up.

But before the fighting starts, Professor Xavier tries one last time to reach Cyclops before he...I don't know, makes another worldwide utopia or something. They meet on a psychic plane where Xavier essentially tells Cyclops that he needs help. Because apparently using cosmic power to create a better world is a mental illness in his mind. Cyclops rightly points out that Xavier sat in a fucking wheelchair or was completely MIA while he was leading the X-men after M-Day. And now that he actually has created a better world he thinks he can come in and tell him he's sick? Cosmic power or no cosmic power, that's a pretty fucking retarded reason for attacking someone, let alone someone Xavier trained and is supposed to trust.

If that's not bad enough, Xavier doesn't even attempt to acknowledge how the others were responsible. He doesn't mention Iron Man being responsible for splitting the Phoenix. He doesn't mention Hope. He doesn't mention Schism. He doesn't mention how it was Namor who attacked Wakanda and Emma Frost who encouraged him. He just attacks Cyclops and only Cyclops as if he's the one jerking off behind the scenes. If Xavier was supposed to come off as a caring father figure here, Marvel failed miserably. Instead, he comes off as that asshole parent telling their gay son that he's sick and needs to put Jesus inside him instead cock.

Xavier comes off as an even bigger asshole when he brings the Avengers and X-men down to attack him. Because again, that shit has been working SO fucking well thus far. I'm shocked that at this point in the comic no one has pointed out attacking the Phoenix only seems to make shit worse. The Avengers were the one that attacked Utopia. They were the ones that attacked the Phoenix and abducted Hope. And each time, shit got worse. Captain America actually has the gall to say Cyclops is under a rest. Really? For what?! What the fuck did he do that deserves arrest? I know drug dealers and meth heads who have done way worse shit than what Cyclops has done in Avengers vs. X-men. He used his Phoenix powers to create a better world, bitch slap Sinister, and ensure the safety of mutants for generations. I've met bullshit cops that will arrest people for spitting on the sidewalk, but Captain America is a bigger asshole than all of them at this point.

The battle quickly escalates with some fancy fight scenes that show Emma getting slammed by Storm and Hulk, which is actually pretty satisfying because she was the one that argued they should just destroy the world and start from scratch. But the focus is still on Cyclops. Even Magneto turns on Cyclops because...well, it's probably for the same reason Captain America is trying to arrest Cyclops. The idea that someone may actually use this cosmic power to make a utopia for humans and mutants just doesn't sit right. He urges Cyclops to listen, but at this point what the fuck can he expect? He admits he brought Xavier to Utopia along with the Avengers, thus pissing off Cyclops even more, and expects him to listen? That's like trying to debate a creationist after they beat up your mother. I'm starting to wonder if Marvel stopped thinking shit through at this point because they just want a clearer view of Cyclops becoming an asshole.

Even Cyclops's best friends and closest teammates turn on him. Again, I can't surmise a single fucking reason why and I've read this comic both sober and stoned. Even Iceman, the Ringo Star of the X-men, just says everyone is sick of him. Why? Again, what the fuck is he doing that makes them so sick? He tried to create a global utopia for fucks sake. I know I've said that way too many times over the course of this review, but it's a point worth reinforcing. How the fuck is he the asshole here? What has he done with his power other than try to protect Hope, build a better world, and fight off the Avengers? There are plenty of opportunities within this giant sized issues for them to explain in a handful of words what he's done wrong, but they don't. It's like Iceman is just going with the flow. Everybody is acting as though Cyclops is being an asshole. No one is questioning it. They're just going with it. They're as competent as the SEC when they investigated Bernie Madoff. They don't come off as heroes in a desperate struggle. They come off as that annoying kid in Kroger that's clearly off his ADHD meds and pitching a fit for no fucking reason.

I'm still left to wonder why the Avengers haven't figured out that fighting the Phoenix only makes it more pissed. That's like trying to fight a forest fire with rocket fuel. Yet like the SEC when investigating Madoff, they choose not to try a different approach and keep pushing Cyclops. So when he finally gets pissed off enough to do something excessive, they have no excuse to look deadpanned. Yet when Cyclops decides he needs to attack his bleach blonde girlfriend and take her portion of the Phoenix Force, they actually look surprised. It would have been more surprising if he bent her over and fucked Emma just to remind them that he's awesome. But as was hinted at in the previous issue, Cyclops knew he couldn't beat the Avengers with only half a Phoenix. He needs the whole thing.

Now in another blog post, I did a quick rant on how Marvel avoids having Cyclops and Emma fight under any circumstances. The cover for this comic clearly showed them bickering just like that bullshit cover from X-men: The Confession. But this comic hasn't had any major fighting between Cyclops and Emma. It's just had a few verbal scoffs that are no more serious than the arguments I used to have with my ex-girlfriend on what we should have for dinner. But when the time does come along to wrestle away Emma's part of the Phoenix, it's pretty much glossed over. He just blasts her in mid air, grabs her, and takes the Phoenix. It may actually be a metaphor for when Bristol Palin lost her virginity, minus the shitty reality show that followed. But at the very least, it shows Cyclops defying Emma in a way he hasn't since they started swapping body fluids. It doesn't offer any hint as to whether their relationship will survive this. Unlike the Cyclops/Jean relationship, Marvel doesn't seem to give a damn about having Cyclops/Emma work through issues in a way that can't be acted out in a porno so I'm not holding my breath.

Now armed with the full Phoenix, Cyclops is poised to take down the Avengers. Again, Xavier urges him to stop. Again, I ask stop what? He and the Avengers are the ones that fucking attacked! That's like an invading army yelling at civilians to stop oppressing them as they run their asses over in tanks. Who should really be telling who to stop here? I'm not saying Cyclops isn't being an asshole for taking his girl's Phoenix Force, but just telling him to stop without at least trying not to sound like parent yelling at their kid for not flushing the toilet is bullshit. And the world's most powerful telepath is supposed to know that. So it's not too surprising when the Phoenix powered Cyclops shuts him up by killing him.

That last sentence is as boring as it sounds. That's right. Cyclops has killed Charles Xavier. On the surface that sounds like a big fucking deal. Then when you look at how Cyclops has been MIA since House of M and spent most of AvX condemning Cyclops for shit he's not responsible for, it's hard to have much sympathy for this asshole. He's lied to Cyclops. He's walked away from the X-men. He's used his powers to manipulate him. And then when Cyclops has cosmic power and actually uses it to do good, all Xavier can do is tell him he needs to stop without giving him a half-decent reason. All the while, the Avengers keep attacking and pissing him off even more. This circumstances couldn't have made this moment less surprising if it was leaked early to the New York Daily News...okay, bad example.

Killing Xavier may not shock the readers, but it certainly shocked the X-men and the Avengers. They all just stand by and look deadpanned. Even Hope, who by the way is the entire reason for the Phoenix Force being on Earth in the first place, does absolutely nothing throughout this whole fucking issue. It's like the entire issue was dedicated to pushing Cyclops into becoming so pissed off that he's become a villain. As such, he crosses that fine line from Phoenix to Dark Phoenix. It looks pretty badass and he even fries Wolverine for good measure, which is always nice since he double crossed both the X-men and the Avengers at some point in this event. But now Avengers and X-men have to deal with a fucking Dark Phoenix. The worst part of it is they have absolutely no one to blame but themselves.

When Marvel goes out of their way to kill a major character and goes through the trouble of leaking spoilers to the New York Daily News, it usually means they're killing someone they've never had the audacity to kill before. But this time, the headline might as well have been reporting that Rush Limbaugh was beaten to death by feminist militias. It's only shocking if you're too brain damaged to wipe your ass after taking a shit. The death of Charles Xavier has about as much emotional resonance as the death of Jerry Falwell did with Richard Dawkins. This guy was fucking SHOT IN THE HEAD at the end of Messiah Complex. That shit happened fairly recently. Unless Marvel thinks every reader can't remember shit from five years ago, they have to know how fucked this is. They can't honestly assume their readers are as stupid as the people who still supported President Bush's second term.

But this is what we're left with. This was supposed to be the big death and it came from a guy who has been MIA and jerking off in the background for the last five years. There was a time when Charles Xavier's name carried a lot of weight. Marvel spent nearly a decade marginalizing his ass so Cyclops and Wolverine could take charge. Killing him off at the hands of his first student, who he kept attacking for bullshit reasons mind you, isn't a tragic or heroic moment. It's only as heroic as the guy who jumps into a tank of hungry sharks covered in baby seal blood. That is to say it's not heroic at all. Marvel just threw his ass away and had Cyclops do it so that it would raise a few eyebrows. But considering what an asshole Xavier has been in condemning Cyclops for bullshit reasons, it not only lacked the impact. It made readers who remembered Xavier being shot in the head nostalgic.

Avengers vs. X-men continues to dive head first into an ocean of whale shit. This story was built around the premise of the Avengers and X-men clashing over an ideology that you could argue had merit on both sides. Now it's just character assassination on a level that can only be attained by ingesting a gallon of gasoline and a fuck ton of prescription pain pills. Marvel has officially made Cyclops the asshole after using a cosmic power to create a worldwide utopia. It takes a very potent kind of bullshit to take a character, give him vast power, have him do all sorts of good shit with this power, and then make him the fucking villain. It takes shit of an equal caliber to make the so-called good guys being the same guys that invaded someone's home, ordered them to hand over their messiah, and kept attacking them even as it became clear that it was only making shit worse. At this point, Marvel is starting to sound like they have a shit fetish and one that requires serious psychiatric help.

Avengers vs. X-men #10 was the first issue of this event that really fucked up. Now I'm usually willing to give an event a pass when just one issue fucks up, but when two issues in a row essentially bury that rusty knife deeper in the wound I have no sympathy. Avengers vs. X-men #11 took the shitty parts of Avengers vs. X-men #10 and made them even shittier. It flat out ignored Hope Summers. It had a very underwhelming death. It went to extraordinary lengths to make Cyclops the villain when he's done nothing villainous. And it did it in the most underwhelming way possible. The only saving grace was having Cyclops stand up to Emma Frost along with the awesome artwork that depicted the action. I can't say this issue is as shitty as your typical Ultimate comic, but it's within spitting distance. That's why I give Avengers vs. X-men #11 a 2 out of 5.

With All New X-men and the Original Five returning, Marvel has made sure that the X-men have been thoroughly gangbanged and disgraced. Bendis now has a world where everyone will hate Cyclops for very shitty reasons and where Xavier died only after he stopped being relevant. Like a crusted over scab, I'm ready to do a way with this shitty event and get to the part where they start retconning the fuck out of it. Nuff said!

Price Decrease for Child of Orcus

It's been while since I mentioned my other writing endeavors outside X-men Supreme and this blog. I may give the impression that I only write about comics, but I do have serious aspirations about becoming an accomplished writer. So earlier this year, I announced that I self-published my first book through Amazon Kindle. So far, I've yet to get any sales or responses. I know that's to be expected of my first published work. But I'm still hoping that someone will take an interest in my non-comic writing.

As such, I've lowered the price for my first book, Child of Orcus. If you have enjoyed what I've done with X-men Supreme, then I think you'll enjoy the story I tell in Child of Orcus. It's a story that involves magic, mystery, deceit, and drama. I tried to give it the same attention and detail that I gave X-men Supreme. Now you can enjoy it for only $3.99, the cost of a typical comic. I would appreciate every bit of support that anyone could offer. I want to turn my writing skills into something more marketable. That can only help what I do here on this blog and with X-men Supreme. Thank you and if you're interested in Child of Orcus, you can purchase it at the following link:

Child of Orcus by Jack Fisher