Thursday, July 26, 2012
Wolverine and the X-men #14 - Flirting With Awesome
When I was still in college, I went to some pretty fucked up lengths to impress women. Show me one guy who hasn't and I'll show you a guy that habitually jerks off to gay porn when he's sure his roommate's webcam isn't on. One time I met this incredibly hot chick at a party and I had the misfortune of snorting chilli powder on a dare to impress her. Since I also had no fewer than eight beers in me, I ended up puking on her shirt. Sure, I got to see her take it off and show off the purple lace bra she was wearing, but she still yelled at me as if I ran over her cat and then pissed on the corpse. And I really liked this girl so I tried to make it up to her by dressing up as Johnny Depp, covering my arms in fake tattoos, and buying her a gallon of chocolate marshmallow ice cream. Needless to say, those panties got wet mighty fast (after a few shots of vodka of course).
Men will go to ridiculously great lengths to impress a pretty girl. That's the sheer power of pussy and it should never be underestimated. That leads to some very disturbing possibilities of how far a man will go to match the power of said pussy once imbued with a god-like cosmic force. In the pages of Avengers vs. X-men, a select few have that opportunity. While Cyclops can already boast access to the top tier pussy belonging to Emma Frost, Colossus and Namor have plenty of opportunities to seek other sources of pussy. When you've got a cosmic power, beautiful women simply have no excuse for not being impressed anymore. When a man has the power to turn shit into diamonds while flying through space with the same ease that 15-year-old boy jerks off, women are literally obligated by the laws of physics to appear at mildly impressed and just a little extra horny. While Namor could probably use his Phoenix powers to literally bathe in the pussy of a billion European supermodels, Colossus has the opportunity to seek the pussy of the one that got away. Well, she didn't really get away. She cut her losses after he decided to throw himself at Cytorak and become the new Juggernaut. That's just one of the many instances where a woman has every right to be pissed and seal her panties indefinitely, but that's besides the point.
Since the events of Schism, Colossus and Kitty Pryde haven't even been on sexting terms. Colossus fucked things up so much with her that Kitty started to explore the possibility of swapping a little spit with Iceman. Because ice just isn't as stimulating as metal to her. Makes me wonder what kind of dildo she has and who the fuck would sell it. But now that Colossus has the Phoenix Force, he has the ability to seek out his former lover and make amends in a way that you just can't manage when Cytorakk has you by the balls at every waking hour. Now I know that Kitty and Colossus are an old school X-men couple. I always had a soft spot for them, despite the early jailbait connotations. But there was definitely some love between them. It's just not clear that even the fucking Phoenix Force can rouse those passions or soak those panties like they used to.
Wolverine and the X-men #14 is yet another tie-in to Avengers vs. X-men that at least attempts to take a break from showing the Phoenix Five taking a cosmic shit on the Avengers or Sinister, revealing instead how certain X-men use this cosmic power for more personal reasons that don't involve creating the perfect strain of weed. Or maybe that's just me. Instead, Colossus tries to use it to accomplish an even more impossible task than creating a worldwide utopia...winning back his ex-girlfriend. He attempts to do this by taking her out on a date and having dinner with her between a parted Red Sea. He remembers she's Jewish and I guess he has to make up for not being circumcised in some way. One might say it's an over-the-top way to impress an ex-girlfriend, but at least this way Kitty can never accuse him of doing things half-assed. And believe me, when dealing with ex-girlfriends that shit goes a long fucking way.
But before Kitty got roped into an over-the-top date with her ex, she was dealing with problems that didn't involve the X-men and Avengers beating the shit out of each other if you can believe that. She was among the few staff folks that stayed behind to keep the Jean Grey Institute school running, as if teenagers could ever learn when there's a big juicy fight going on. She might as well ask them to learn quantum physics while an orgy of supermodels and male body builders is going on in front of them. But while it's frustrating for Kitty, it actually helps put this story into a better context than the previous issue. Gladiator getting his ass kicked isn't overlooked. That shit still happened and he's still eating his steak with a straw in the Institute infirmary, but that's not the big story here. The story is how Kitty Pryde runs a school in the middle of an Avengers/X-men war.
This may sound somewhat menial, but it's ties into what goes into an awesome tie-in issue. Like that little extra bit of hot sauce you pour on bacon, a good tie-in focuses more on the little things and not just the story that involves the main characters being engaged in a dick-measuring contest. Kitty here is overwhelmed not by the ongoing battle, but by her job to run the Jean Grey Institute. It's one of those little things that I like to highlight in an issue when I'm not making a dick joke out of it. It explores areas of the main story that don't get explored often enough and help paint a much more detailed picture. It's like seeing a high-def image of Jenna Jameson's tits as opposed to one that's overly pixilated. It's much more pleasing to the senses.
It isn't all melodrama, though. While Colossus pulls Kitty out from the Jean Grey Institute for an impromptu date, the battle between the X-men and the Avengers is still going on. Some of the Jean Grey Institute staff is still helping the Phoenix Five take down the Avengers. Iceman was one of them and while he was all for helping Cyclops's crew before they had the Phoenix Force, he's starting to have a little doubt over their "capture and imprison the Avengers" policy. He's able to help subdue Thing, but when he confronts Cyclops about his doubts he just gets brushed aside with a remark that essentially says "Quit your bitching. Now excuse me while I go make the world a better place and maybe get a blow job from Emma Frost while I'm at it."
Cyclops's sentiment about making the world better and fucking with the Avengers in the process is shared by Colossus. While on his date with Kitty, he boasts about how the Phoenix Five are making the world a better place. This may be the only instance where a guy bragging about his achievements actually has some merit. Colossus isn't that guy at a bar claiming he once banged Lindsey Lohan before she became a poster-girl for crack whores. He has a cosmic force that allows him to flex his nuts as much and as audaciously as he damn well pleases. Kitty shares some of Iceman's concern and wonders if he's the same lovable Russian that once regularly soaked her panties. He claims that he is. But Kitty isn't convinced. She shares Iceman's concerns about her locking up the Avengers and acting like he's a god without making it a dick joke.
For Colossus, who went to such extensive lengths to show that he still wants to be her Russian stud, that's quite a slight. And unlike normal douche-bags who just shrug it off and try to bang the nearest cocktail waitress, this shit is unacceptable. While I usually work under the assumption that there's no such thing as overreacting when your ex-girlfriend gives you shit, this is one instance where the presence of a cosmic force completely fucks up the standard laws of physics. Now pissed that Kitty isn't embracing his new Phoenix-powered awesomeness, he ends their date and takes her back to the Jean Grey Institute. But unlike other bitter ex-boyfriends that just crash their cars into their garage or front door, Colossus threatens to destroy the whole Jean Grey Institute because she's choosing it over him.
This isn't the first time the Phoenix Five have overreacted in a way that makes you question whether the Phoenix has given them a nasty dose Ted Kazinsky's brain cells. However, Colossus's switch from hopeless romantic trying to get his girl back to vindictive asshole looking to blow up a school full of children is pretty stark. For the past few Avengers vs. X-men tie-ins, the corruption of the Phoenix Force has been gradual. That's part of what makes it compelling. But here, it's about as gradual as a rocket powered dildo. You would expect that shit from someone like Magik who has a history of being volatile, but not Colossus.
Colossus doesn't apologize for being a cosmic asshole. Even as Kitty summons the remaining X-men to protect the school, he brushes them off with the same ease that Donald Trump brushes off imported caviar from his imported suits. It's a short, but flashy battle that you never expected the Jean Grey Institute staff to really do much in. What it lacks in grandeur, though, it makes up for in drama. After Colossus subdues Karoka, Husk, and Toad he has to go through Kitty next. She threatens to phase through his heart, but he brushes that off too. I imagine brushing off an ungrateful ex girlfriend is only slightly more satisfying than bathing in chocolate with Scarlett Johanssen, but it once again allows Colossus to flex his cosmic nutsack.
But before he can destroy the institute, he comes across the crumbled statue of Jean Grey that has been so prominently standing outside the front door since the first issue of Wolverine and the X-men. He's in the process of repeating those famous first words Jean Grey herself once uttered when she became the Phoenix. In doing so, he has what we in the drinking world call a moment of clarity. He realizes that he is becoming the monster that Jean Grey once struggled against for so many years. He probably also realized it's a dick move to try to destroy your ex-girlfriend's home when she hasn't boned your brother, best friend, or both. So with his dick tucked between his legs, he abruptly just leaves. He doesn't apologize to Kitty or the students he just roughed up. He just disappears. I guess having cosmic power also means never having to admit when you're a douche.
Time moves on and once again, the institute staff is left to pick up the pieces. But in terms of the damage done to the Jean Grey Institute in previous issues, they got off pretty damn light here. However, Kitty Pryde still looks more pissed than a diabetic in a Krispy Kreme factory. When Iceman later returns from his own unpleasant encounter with his Phoenix powered buddy, she makes clear that she still wants to jump his bone. He just better not gain a cosmic power and use it to try to sneak into her panties. That shit is now officially a turn-off. It's understandable and offers another little hint at additional drama. But for Colossus, the issue ends with an ominous sign that his scrotum might not be strong enough for his cosmic balls after all.
What does this comic tell us about dating, women, and trying to win back your ex-girlfriend? Well for one, it shows that even the power of a cosmic force isn't enough to win over some women. Seriously ladies, you need to adjust your standards. But in this instance, Kitty Pryde's feminine instincts served her well because she understood the universal constant with all men trying to prove themselves. They often make a total ass of themselves in the process. That's what happened with Colossus and it provided yet another instance of the Phoenix Five letting all this god-like power go to their heads. You knew it was coming. Hell, I lost twenty bucks on a bet with the guy who sells me blow over this issue. But considering how well Jason Aaron told this story, I say it was worth it! Plus, I stole some of his blow so that helped.
What made this issue a major improvement over the previous issue was the emphasis on the little things. Stories like Warbird's backstory really didn't amount to shit in the grande scheme of the Avengers vs. X-men epic. But how the Jean Grey Institute was run in the absence of their fellow X-men along with Colossus reaching out to his ex-girlfriend actually did fit into a larger context. The shit from the previous issue wasn't completely forgotten, but it wasn't overly dwelled upon either. This was all about mixing the melodrama of a man trying to win back his ex and looking like a cosmic-level douche-bag in the process. It may not have the same impact as seeing Namor ride a tsunami into Wakanda while giving Storm multiple orgasms, but it definitely adds a powerful element of story to the greater Avengers vs. X-men landscape.
If there's anything that bothers me about this issue, it's that Colossus didn't even try to walk that fine line between just being overpowered and being an overpowered douche-bag. I can see others like Magik not attempting to walk that line because she has a history of being a little hellraiser, both literally and figuratively. But Colossus became a cosmic douche way too fucking quickly and it seems like something that's out of place in a tie-in issue. Even so, Jason Aaron does plenty to make it feel relevant, compelling, and awesome. It's not quite at the level of bacon dipped in chocolate, but it's right up there. I give Wolverine and the X-men #14 a 4.5 out of 5. So a cosmic powered date wasn't enough to win Colossus a place back in Kitty Pryde's panties. This marks another important lesson for guys everywhere. Pussy is more powerful than any cosmic force. Nuff said!