Scanned Thoughts: Cable and X-Force #12

Looking for an insightful assessment of a comic that incorporates legitimate literary criticisms and puts the story into a larger context of modern life? Well I'm sorry to say you're shit out of luck. If you want something written by an overly intellectual douche-bag, go somewhere else. This is a review written by a raving drunk with strong opinions and poor impulse control. So the New Yorker and the Walls Street Journal can kiss my ass because this is my review of Cable and X-Force #12. So unless you're one of those overly intellectual douche-bags, read on and enjoy the uncritical musings of an unsober mind.

The format in this issue is the same as the last issue in that it divides the ink between Cable’s team trying to stop one of his terrible visions of the future and Hope Summers becoming more of a whiney little puissant. It was fun in the last issue because we had two beautiful woman with Domino and Boom Boom having more fun than a hooker and a gallon of lube. Now Colossus gets in on the action. But instead of a car chase, he has to break into the safe in a Swiss bank. Granted, it’s not as thrilling or anywhere near as sexy, but it’s definitely an appropriate use of his skills.

And once again, Domino is the partner in crime with this issue. She’s a busy girl, first dealing with an explosive yet sexy Boom Boom and now dealing with a guy whose bone she jumped a few issues back. She gets around and not just in the way a Las Vegas stripper would with a double shift. She’s the one with the plan and Colossus is the one with the muscle. So together, they bust into the Swiss safe to retrieve what she calls the “Spawning Wellspring.” It sounds like a bad nature film or an awesome porno. It looks like a simple chess piece, but it’s actually a key to unlocking a demonic dimension. And as is often the case with demonic relics, they accidentally activate it and trigger a demon onslaught.

A demon threat alone would be a basic enough plot for this story. But that’s not all that happens here. Colossus, being either a hopeless romantic or starved for pussy during his stint in prison, tries to talk to Domino about their night together. She’s dismissive as Donald Rumsfeld, brushing it off as one of those “the adrenaline made me horny and the batteries on my vibrator died” situations. It’s cold, but it’s very in character for Domino. This woman once boned Wolverine on top of a bed of money. Why? Because she’s horny and because she can. What more could you want in a comic book woman?

On the other side of that coin, what LESS could you want in a comic book woman that hasn’t been demonstrated in Hope fucking Summers to date? Yes, I still hate her fucking guts. And yes, she gives me more reasons to do so in this issue. But it’s not immediately apparent. Sadly, Blaquesmith didn’t take his chance to end her sorry ass in the previous issue and she ended up transported to…you guessed it, ANOTHER apocalyptic future. Seriously, didn’t apocalyptic futures lose their appeal after the last Terminator movie? I guess not because this future involves killer robots, sentinels, and a female version of Stryfe. Hope is obviously confused, but why should she be? Hell, why should anyone be? It’s an apocalyptic future. Does there need to be an explanation? It only helps if Marvel wants that story to actually be good.

A much better story is already unfolding in the past. Colossus and Domino are fighting an army of evil demons, which on its own is only slightly more entertaining than fighting robots in an apocalyptic future. But what makes the battle here a lot more intriguing is that Cable and Domino actually manage to have a serious conversation about their relationship, or lack thereof, while it’s going on. It seems pretty out of place. Talking about relationships while fighting demons is like trying to play dodge ball with bowling balls while doing a crossword puzzle. One activity serious hinders another. Yet there is actually some genuine drama that comes from this chaos.

Colossus seems to want to try something serious with Domino. That must mean the sex with her is really that awesome. But Domino basically brushes it off, saying the sex was fun and all. But the relationships for people in their line of work rarely pan out. And she’s right. She could have referred to Cyclops and Emma Frost, but she doesn’t really need to provide examples when demons are attacking them. She could have just offered to still have sex, but not do much else. Most men spend their whole lives trying to set up an arrangement like that. Colossus is either a total dipshit or a genuine guy that Domino has never dealt with before. I’m leaning towards the former.

But as much fun as this relationship talk is, they still have to give the demon army a higher priority. And yes, I mean a higher priority than Domino’s pussy. This was supposed to be another pit stop in the ongoing mission to prevent Cable’s visions from coming to pass. They may have stepped in a few piles of cow shit by letting the demons out early, but they’re able to effectively wipe off their shoe and kick the ass of the cow. It’s a tough battle that feels more meaningful because of the relationship talk. It’s like a soap opera mixed with professional wrestling. It sounds like it shouldn’t work, but it does.

And the effects of Cable and Domino’s victory over the demon army doesn’t just mean more time to figure out how they’re going to keep boning. Apparently, this demon army that they unleashed somehow contributed to the apocalyptic future with Hope fucking Summers and the boobalicious version of Stryfe. The fight with Hope running from the killer robot demons isn’t all that intriguing. I don’t usually enjoy apocalyptic futures where I root for whatever fucked up the world. But for once, Hope fucking Summer actually becomes part of the story in a way that makes her scenes less frustrating.

By destroying the demon army in the past, they disappear in the future. So Hope fucking Summers gets a quick lesson in the Back to the Future physics of time travel. It may sound simple, but this sort of shit rarely happens in comics. It has only been recently that Marvel has tried to actually show time travel affect the future with Age of Ultron. The effect in this issue isn’t quite as dramatic, but it proves a valid point. X-Force is actually doing more than pissing off Havok and the Avengers. They are saving the future. In other words, suck it Avengers!

Saving the future also makes it easier for Colossus and Domino to finally have a quiet moment. The demons are gone and they’re stuck in a confined area with awkward silence. It would have been less awkward if they just started boning again. But Colossus has to be the romantic and flat out tell Domino that they can make it work beyond just casual fucking. A bigger question for him might be why the fuck would he want to? But that doesn’t stop him from sneaking in a kiss with Domino and effectively getting the ball rolling on what may be either a very volatile or very sexy relationship. Either way, Colossus can finally get his man card back. Anyone who can bone Domino deserves a second chance.

With all this drama and saving the future, it’s almost easy to forget that Cable had been captured by the Uncanny Avengers a few issues back. And we didn’t get even a hint at what was going on with him in the previous issue. Well now we finally catch up again and it makes that punch in the jaw he gave Havok in the first arc all the more justified. Havok is basically interrogating Cable while he’s in a contentment field of sorts. He’s trying to understand why Cable suddenly has an urge to punch him in the jaw and fight the Avengers, not paying attention to the fact that he’s been a cheap imported douche. And Cable, who is still dealing with the kind of seizures you don’t get without watching 10 hours of old anime in a row, tells him that he needs to stop his visions from happening and the Uncanny Avengers are getting in the way.

That still doesn’t explain the mystery of where the fuck these visions came from in the first place. Well at the end of the book, we finally get an answer and another reason to hate Hope fucking Summers. Still in the future, Blaquesmith and lady-Stryfe lead her into some kind of lair. And that’s where they make the big reveal. Lady Stryfe isn’t exactly Stryfe. She’s an older and presumably bitcher Hope fucking Summers. It’s not too surprising, but not too inane either. She basically admits that she’s the one giving Cable the visions because she understands better than anyone that fixing the future requires that she fuck with the past.

Now let’s examine the implications here. Hope fucking Summers is already a whiney little bitch who ditches the X-men after they do everything they can to save her, ditches the Avengers after they try to give her a normal life, and mind-fucks her foster parents after they try to give her a decent home. You would think that this puissant little rip-off character can’t do much worse, but she does here because she now admits that she’s the one fucking with Cable’s head. She’s actually tormenting the one person she claims to care about more than anyone else. Even if she’s doing it to save the future, she doesn’t seem to give a shit that she’s tormenting Cable. I want to say I’m surprised, but I’m either numb to her being such a bitch at this point or I’ve smoked too much weed. Or maybe it’s both.

Hope Summers is still a total bitch and every comic she’s in just keeps adding more reasons. But the chemistry between Domino and Colossus is pretty fucking hot. It’s amazing that this kind of drama can unfold in the midst of a fucking demon attack, but it did. I suspect Marvel is already in the process of patenting this therapy for future use. Plus, it shows that Colossus is finally flexing some balls, something he hasn’t done since the end of Avengers vs. X-men. That along with some beautifully convergent plots that finally start filling in the blanks make this comic a quality and boner-inducing story. Now let the smut fanfiction begin! I give Cable and X-Force #12 a 9 out of 10. It’s quite possibly the best issue in the series to date and if anyone feels otherwise, you’re welcome to challenge me in a drinking contest. Or just because you feel like it. Whichever comes first. Nuff said!