Thursday, August 22, 2013
Scanned Thoughts: Cable and X-Force #13
On this blog, I look for ways to combine the joys of reviewing comics with the fun of making dick, poop, and fart jokes. I’m no Seth MacFarlane, but I think there should always be a medium that mixes dick, poop, and fart jokes into the things we hold dear. I’ve always held comic book in high regard and not just because the women are overly sexualized and the men make me feel more inadequate than Mitt Romney’s PR campaigns. I believe comic books have something to offer the human race and I’m here to make sure it’s as fucked up as it is entertaining. So here’s my fucked up take on Cable and X-Force #13. Grab a dick, take a shit, and have a good fart because this comic gave me plenty to work with.
For a book that is supposed to be about an outlaw team of X-men, it has been dealing with a fuckton of magical creatures lately. In the previous issue, Domino and Colossus had to fight off an army of demons while talking about how they were going to go about being regular fuck buddies. In this issue, they meet up with Forge and Dr. Nemesis to fight a giant monster that looks like Cthullu’s dildo. I’m not sure if it’s magic, but in comics I guess it’s always a safe assumption in the same way it’s always a safe assumption that the slut will die a horrible death in a slasher movie. I also think the bitching between Forge and Dr. Nemesis helped. It reminded me of why I didn’t really miss them over the past two issues. It’s not as epic a battle as it could have been, but it continues X-Force’s recent history of fighting of fucked up threats.
Instead of a more detailed battle of how X-Force fights off yet another mystical monster, this issue focuses heavily on Hope fucking Summers dealing with the only thing more annoying than her…another older version of Hope fucking Summers. The previous issue revealed that the future female Stryfe that had been helping Blacquesmith was actually an older Hope fucking Summers. It was somewhat surprising, but only to the extent that a kick in the nuts from a transsexual hooker is surprising. And her reason for pulling her younger self out of the past is even less surprising. Hell, the only thing that Hope fucking Summers could do to surprise me at this point is admit she pleasures herself to old Ted Nugant songs.
Her explanation will make some readers yawn and others just roll their eyes. Apparently, the world went to hell because Cable decided that he had enough fighting and just wanted to sit back, relax, and fall asleep drunk watching Monday Night Football like someone who hasn’t been stuck in apocalyptic futures for most of his life. But him not fighting somehow meant that the world gets fucked worse than the IRS fucked Wesley Snipes. So using Deathlok’s ability to calculate the future, they started fucking with Cable’s mind in the past. Somehow, I think just sending him a letter taped to a brick would have been just as effective. But Hope fucking Summers can’t resist causing people more headaches, or in this case seizures.
Yet Hope fucking Summers has the audacity to claim that causing her adopted father painful seizures is working. Well in this case she might be right. Because as she’s trying to justify this dick move to her younger self, X-Force successfully subdue the giant Cthullu dildo. But it’s not as epic as previous battles. Colossus and Domino don’t even dirty talk with each other. It’s a very subdued battle that ends with Colossus just dive bombing the ugly monster in the head while Boom Boom blows the rest up. The only thing the battle accomplishes is getting X-Force back in one place again where Domino just happens to remember that Cable is still a prisoner of the Uncanny Avengers and probably isn’t too happy about it.
Even though another killer monster shaped like a sex toy is defeated, the younger little bitch is able to see through the older bitch’s ruse. In hearing that her older self chose to fuck with Cable’s brain rather than find a more efficient means of informing him of an apocalyptic future, Hope fucking Summers is actually able to figure it out. She finds out that her older self chose this incredibly invasive method because it meant Cable would not be able to tell her to fuck off anymore. Saving the future wasn’t her goal. She just wanted her adopted daddy to spend time with her. For someone who was supposed to be the mutant messiah, Hope fucking Summers has some incredibly petty issues.
I don’t know if this was supposed to make Hope seem sympathetic. It seems like this series has tried to do that a number of times, but no matter what happens, Hope fucking Summers always comes off as an even bitter little cunt than before. She actually fucks with the brain of her own adopted father just so she can spend more time with him. At no point does she mention the Avengers, the X-men, or the dozens of other superpowered individuals who beat up giant monsters in between snack breaks. Yet somehow it was all because Cable wanted to retire that the world went to hell? It’s as if somehow every one of Marvel’s best heroes became total pussies and it’s not explained in the slightest. I know this book is supposed to focus on Cable and X-Force, but since the Uncanny Avengers have shown up multiple times it’s a pretty gross oversight. It’s like a man finding out on his wedding day that his bride is a donkey with a Hilary Clinton mask. It takes way too much stupid to overlook shit like that.
Cable still doesn’t know that his own adopted daughter is causing him all this pain, but I imagine he has a pretty good idea. The Uncanny Avengers still have him imprisoned at the Avengers Mansion and Havok, who Cable did punch in the jaw back during their first encounter, is tasked with trying to figure out what to do with him. That’s like my ex-girlfriend being my parole officer. Nothing good can come of it. He has another seizure that probably way more painful than any punch to the jaw that Havok ever got. And since Havok and the rest of the Avengers don’t know shit about his crazy visions of the future, they might as well a headless chicken stumbling into a KFC.
Luckily for Havok and his jaw, Cable manages to focus enough to show him his dark visions of the future. The visions are pretty generic. More monsters are rampaging across the city. And for some reason, the Avengers, the X-men, and every other hero in the Marvel universe is too lazy or too hung over to do anything about it. Again, there’s no explanation as to why the same heroes that went toe-to-toe with Thanos and the Phoenix Force couldn’t stop a few rampaging monsters. But it is enough to leave Havok with a solid explanation as to why Cable has to punch him in the jaw.
He then makes a point that makes about a much sense as Sarah Palin’s stance on Russia. He says that rather than informing the most powerful heroes on the planet, the Uncanny Avengers should leave this shit to X-Force. He claims that they can do the kind of dirty shit that nicer, more upstanding heroes can’t be seen doing. He’s basically telling them to let X-Force fuck the ugly hookers so that they can keep the attractive ones can stay employed. It makes no sense. Aside from the incident with the fast food place, when have tactics ever mattered when fighting monsters? I’m pretty sure the public doesn’t mind seeing the Avengers and X-men being extra violent with monsters ravaging a city. So I think Cable is full of shit here and if Havok has any brains that haven’t been punched out of him yet, he would see that.
In the future, Hope fucking Summers would be also be wise to see that fucking with Cable’s mind probably isn’t going to make him any more inclined to spend some quality time with his adopted daughter. Even Blaquesmith tells them that despite their efforts to inform Cable of the future, shit is still getting worse. And not only is it getting worse. It could end up killing Cable. When daddy issues end up with daddy’s brains melting out of his ears, they cease to be issues and become something else entirely that requires potent medications. I don’t think all the anti-psychotics in the world could help Hope fucking Summers at this point. It shows that once again she cared more about working out her daddy issues than she did actually saving the future. It gives me yet more reasons to call her a puissant little cunt, as if I needed any more at this point.
At the very least, Cable is able to convince Havok that his visions are real and the threat is real. Even though his reason for leaving this shit to X-Force makes no fucking sense, Havok still seems perfectly willing to let Cable go so he can do what he needs to do. However, he’s understandably reluctant to just let him walk out the front door and give the finger to Captain America along the way. It just wouldn’t look good for the leader of the Uncanny Avengers if he let prisoners go without a fight. It quickly becomes a moot issue though when X-Force storms the mansion in an effort to rescue Cable. I guess this solves one problem for Havok, but it’ll probably mean he gets punched in the jaw again. So in that sense it’s a win-win.
X-Force may be unwilling cannon fodder for Hope fucking Summers and her daddy issues, but they’re neck deep in the shit right now. Even her older self knows this. So she eventually decides that maybe just fucking with Cable’s brain isn’t going to be enough. She needs to send her younger self back into the past to either fix things or fuck them up even more. She even gives her a weapon. At this point though, I wouldn’t be surprised if she uses that weapon to turn the Statue of Liberty into a giant dildo. That’s how little faith I have in Hope fucking Summers. I’m certainly glad to see X-Force battling the Uncanny Avengers again, but I can do without Hope fucking Summers being an even bigger cunt about it.
I have a soft spot for girls with daddy issues, but a lot of those girls are prone to suggestion and don’t bitch as often when they try kinky shit in bed. And that soft spot has no room for Hope fucking Summers. Only she could turn saving the world from yet another apocalyptic future into just another manifestation of her bitching and moaning about Cable. Even her younger self saw through the bullshit that her older self was feeding her. Saving the world and showing some fucking gratitude to the other heroes that saved her is not even top 10 on her to-do list. She just wants to shoot shit with Cable. While Cable and X-Force #13 didn’t make me hate Hope fucking Summers any less, it finally got Cable involved more and set the stage for yet another clash between X-Force and the Uncanny Avengers. That in and of itself is pretty fucking awesome and if it ends with Havok getting punched in the face again, I’m all for it. I give Cable and X-Force #13 a 6 out of 10. Unless strippers get involved with this series, I think it has enough daddy issues. I’ll be content to just see X-Force kick the Uncanny Avengers’s ass again. Nuff said!