Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #11
I'm here to review comics and fuck bitches and since I'm out of bitches at the moment, I guess I'll review comics. I guess I should have some sort of parental warning on this blog or something. I guess I should advise everyone here that I like to say fuck a lot and I tend to use comics as yet another excuse to get wasted, as if I needed anymore. But fuck warnings. All they ever do is let kids know that this shit is too awesome for their parents. So I'm just going to say fuck it and enjoy my full review of Uncanny X-men #11. If you're a pussy and don't like listening to drunks, you should probably go back to watching the Disney channel and take bets on which teen star will become as fucked up as Miley Cyrus.
This issue was already set up with a pretty awesome premise in Uncanny X-men #10 when Cyclops and his revolutionary X-men decided to drop in on a rare pro-mutant rally in Ann Arbor, Michigan. That and I'm sure they would make time to drop in on a frat party and hook up with some hot co-eds. It was a great moment because the idea of humans rallying in favor of mutants is akin to a gay pride parade in Saudi Arabia. It was a great moment that showed how Cyclops's revolution was resonating, at least with gullible college students with too much access to weed and booze. Hey, it's a start.
That issue ended predictably with an attack from a killer robot in hopes of shitting on Cyclops's new hipness with the young folks. Killer robots do tend to be a major buzzkill for any college student, second only to midterm exams. This issue picks up with that attack and even adds something extra to the mix, having Cyclops narrate the whole affair. I know this may annoy the piss out of some readers who thought Chris Claremont spoiled these inner monologue type gimmicks for a generation, but I say fuck those readers because this gives a more personal touch to the attack. Cyclops isn't just intent on destroying the Sentinel. He's intent on protecting the humans who dare to support them and that adds an extra element of bravado, which is saying something for a guy who boned both Emma Frost and Jean Grey.
Even with Cyclops offering some insight, battles against Sentinels tend to be as predictable as the Cleveland Browns failing to compete for a Superbowl. Shit starts flying and people start freaking the fuck out. And since some of these college students are probably stoned, it's all the more terrifying. But beyond the usual acts of Emma Frost turning diamond and Magik playing the role of hot teenage girl version of Nightcrawler, the younger revolutionaries get to play a part as well. It wasn't too long ago that these same kids were shitting themselves when they had to go up against Dormammu and the minions of Limbo. Well after that shit, a killer robot hardly warrants a wet fart. So it's refreshing to see characters like Tempus and Hijack flex their new mutant muscle.
As refreshing as this is, the spectacle of the battle ignores an important detail. Cyclops mentions in his musings how he never thought he would live to see the day that humans would be supporting mutants. It's kind of a big deal for him. Yet that big ass rally we saw in the previous issue kind of just disappeared. I get that college kids tend to start running when giant robots or DEA agents show up, but unless you're painfully sober, you don't see too many of these kids fleeing. You don't even get the impression that there was a rally. I don't know if that's just shitty organization or flat artwork, but it basically pisses away that one compelling aspect of humans supporting mutants that the last issue established.
Even with the civilians being nowhere in sight, the Sentinel proves to be a real bitch. Hitting it is like listing facts to a creationist. It does nothing to change how much of a bitch it is. Even Goldball, the pussy who left the X-men after Limbo proved to be too much for them, tries to redeem himself and attacks. It doesn't do much so his reputation as a pussy is still in place. At least he's trying.
In the process of attacking, the Stepford Sisters gain some information about this new Sentinel. It's not quite a killer robot, but it's not quite a killer zombie either. It's something in between, like a Terminator except it didn't appear bare ass naked and steal clothes from a hobo. It doesn't offer much information other than this is an advanced Sentinel and it's not like we don't already have a fuckton of those in the X-men comics. But seeing as how the upcoming Battle of the Atom event will deal with shit from the future, maybe it's a hint of the shit storm to come. If so, there are few hints to suspect as such so drunks like me have little to work with.
Now you would think that a killer robot attacking an American college campus would raise a few eyebrows and you would be right. After all, these kids are the future of this country and their student loan debt ensures they'll be subservient workers and America can never have enough of those. Maria Hill, who has had a pussy boner out for arresting Cyclops since this series began, is pretty pissed off by this development. And apparently SHIELD doesn't like Michigan that much because they don't even have a SHIELD base in the area. Either they had some shitty budget cuts or Michigan is every bit as fucked in the Marvel universe as it is in the real world. I'm guessing it's a little of both.
But Maria Hill just went through the trouble of hiring a new mutant liaison to handle mutant issues like this in Dazzler. To this point she hasn't done much other than blow up Goldball's house, piss off his parents, and do absolutely jack shit when Cyclops came to rescue Goldball when he was illegally detained. And while an American college is under attack, she happens to be in Madripoor. But it's not for the sushi, the drugs, and the hookers.
Madripoor has come up in another one of Bendis's X-books. In a recent issue of All New X-men, Mystique tried to flat out buy Madripoor with a mountain of money that made Madam Hydra cream her panties. The deal went to shit and naturally, it kicked up a shit storm in Madripoor that Dazzler was sent to investigate. It's not her fault that some douche-bag decided to attack a college at the same time. But not much else really comes from her in that she just watches as Madam Hydra has a meeting with the Hand, which ends up turning into a blood bath. In Madripoor, that's the British equivalent of tea time at four. All Dazzler does is watch and let these two evil bastards maim each other. While I think Dazzler's role has been pretty useless thus far, I won't deny that I envy her. Watching two evil organizations kill each other in the Marvel universe is probably akin to a Breaking Bad marathon on Netflix.
It's not like Cyclops wants help from SHIELD anyway. Who would want help from the assholes trying to arrest him? So in an effort to show the human supporters that their Marxist support of his revolution was well placed, he goes all out and tries to blast the Sentinel to dust. Now maybe that would have worked prior to Avengers vs. X-men, but his powers are still broken and he's still struggling to work around it. It makes for a nice spectacle in that it shows how much this affects Cyclops because he can't be the same badass guy that used to see Emma Frost naked on a regular basis. And it still doesn't work, leaving him weak and vulnerable to the point where it looks like he'll become a martyr after all. But seeing as how he's not being played by James Marsden at the moment, that doesn't happen. His young X-men still find a way to fight back and look pretty damn badass in the process.
It's not until Magneto shows up that they finally get the edge over this sentinel. He must have taken his sweet time getting back from his little meeting with Maria. For all we know, he stopped at a strip club in Detroit along the way because his appearance is pretty random. In the same way this issue really lacked the details surrounding the human supporters and Dazzler doing jack shit in Madripoor, Magneto might as well be that guy who pulls the fire alarm in a college dorm during finals week just to wake everyone up. It's a dick move and one that disrupts the flow of the action. It's also worth pointing out that his powers are broken too, yet he manages to destroy the Sentinel through some trick that looks like it involves mosquitoes or sewing needles. It's hard to tell because the scene is so poorly detailed I might as well be reading it through drunk goggles, which is tough when you're already drunk.
It effectively ends the battle, but it's a weak victory if anything. We still don't see much of the other protesters that Cyclops had been speaking too earlier. It would have been nice if he offered at least some level of assurance that his X-men can protect them whenever Magneto doesn't decide to take his sweet ass time. But that's another detail that gets lost. The team just catches their breath and scratches their head in confusion since they really don't know who the fuck sent this Sentinel or why it's fucking with them. And that's the biggest problem with this issue.
I bring up the lack of details repeatedly because this issue leaves way too many blanks and there's only so many that a drunk can fill. Cyclops mentions in his monologue how the Sentinels are stalking him and someone is trying to fuck up his revolution. Well that shit is a given. Cyclops made a fuckton of enemies at the end of Avengers vs. X-men so there are any number of people who would want to fuck him over in ways that Emma Frost never could, but beyond that there isn't much to go on. It just ends up being another Sentinel attack and in X-men comics, that's basically the same as Captain America punching a Nazi. It doesn't have the impact it used to.
That's not to say there aren't some hints. The very last page reveals the mysterious figure who has been controlling the Sentinels, but there's not fucking hint of who he/she/it even is. It just looks like a bad Iron Man cos-player. There's no teaser or clue. This guy might as well be the same guy I know who makes crystal meth in his basement and shoots squirrels with a shotgun in his spare time. There really isn't much to go on here and for anyone who doesn't read comics sober, it leads to a lot of fucked up possibilities. And Marvel should know better than to let readers contemplate too many fucked up possibilities. That's the kind of thing that leads to bad slash fanfiction and crazy shit like Spider-Man making deals with the devil. Okay, bad example.
X-men fighting sentinels is like Indiana Jones fighting Nazis. It's as basic as you can get without Harrison Ford running from a giant boulder. You would think after all this time that Marvel would have run out of ideas on how to make X-men fighting Sentinels compelling, but I guess they just have access to much better weed than I do. The action in this issue was compelling because we got to see how pissed Cyclops was about it every step of the way. But the utter lack of details keep it from being as compelling as it could have been. And because of that, I can only give Uncanny X-men #11 a 6 out of 10. It's a very personal story that lacks some major details, but at the very least it reminds readers of why Cyclops was able to seduce both Jean Grey and Emma Frost. For that, he deserves respect and envy. Nuff said!