All New X-men #1 Minor/Major Spoilers

Last year it was reported that a few scientists with way too much free time on their hands studied the effects of spoilers on movies and books. Much to the surprise of fanboys who love to bitch and moan on message boards, it was discovered that spoilers didn't ruin the story and may in fact actually enhance enjoyment. I believe they likened it to revealing to someone that they were going to fuck a supermodel. This revelation did nothing to spoil the experience. It only makes people more excited. I'm not sure if those were the researchers' exact words, but I would be shocked if it wasn't much different.

I say this because Marvel appears to have read that study. Or at least Brian Michael Bendis has because recently, he leaked some very spoileriffic scans of All New X-men #1, which isn't slated for release until November. It wasn't the result of the fine folks at 4chan hacking the scans out of Marvel's secret database, which is probably located in a lair the Red Skull would kill for. It was as intentional as me getting drunk at a kegger. I've already done a few posts on panels that have been purposefully leaked. So I might as well share them with the fine folks that enable my drinking problems. But be forewarned that the scans are somewhat low quality. I couldn't find better ones so don't get pissed at me. There's only so much a drunk with a blog can do.

First scan with O5 Beast being a douche-bag.

Second scan with O5 Beast being an even bigger douchebag.

Third scan with modern Beast being a douchebag. Anybody else noticing a trend?

Fourth scan of Beast revealing to O5 Cyclops that his future self will be the kind of raging douchebag that will incur mass genocide against mutants. That or Beast is just trying to be an even bigger douche. It's hard to tell.

So even though I intended to get drunk and review this issue when it came out, we already know how the final page ends. There will be no shocks. No surprises. No assholes ripping the brains out of skulls and holding them up as if they came from Mila Kunnis's snatch. It just sets the stage for the Original Five X-men to return to the present. Their reason for doing so is simple. Cyclops won't listen to anyone who doesn't have DDD cup breasts and isn't named Emma Frost. So maybe he'll listen to his younger self. It's not groundbreaking, nor is it mindblowing. But fuck, it's still awesome.

It still leaves a number of unanswered questions. Like why the fuck does Beast think Cyclops is going to cause mass genocide? Does he do it from prison or does he bust out and decide the world is shit for not embracing the chance at a worldwide utopia? Or is this just another case of Beast and everyone else in the Marvel universe thinking that Cyclops is a douche-bag for trying to actually make the world a better place with his powers. It's hard to tell and chances are it'll give me plenty of things to rant about after a night of heavy drinking. I'm looking forward to it and I hope rest of my fine readers are as well! Nuff said!

X-men #37 - Respectfully Awesome

For the past few weeks as Avengers vs. X-men has taken a tailspin into a lake of raw sewage, I've tried to take solace in other comics that haven't required a comparison to human excrement. Last week I had Uncanny X-Force to help soften the blow of the stool sample that was Avengers vs. X-men. This week, I have a comic that has actually been on an upswing lately. I know I come off as a hateful, spiteful, bitter drunk in my reviews and as accurate as that may be to an extent, I'm still capable of deriving pleasure from other areas of the Marvel universe and it doesn't always require that I ingest a certain amount of LSD (although it sure does help).

Brian Wood's adjectiveless X-men has been to Avengers vs. X-men what ethical journalism has been to Fox News. It's not flashy. It's not big. It's not a huge fucking event that requires everyone working at Marvel to proclaim it's awesome from the top of every building in New York City. It's a story that follows a select group of X-men on missions that don't involve shameless crossovers or gimmicks. Brian Wood's subtle approach was slow at first in how he introduced the concept of proto-mutants. But in the past few issues, he's made it more compelling and thrown in a few twists along the way. It hasn't been action packed, but it has led to a creepy guy blowing a hole in the side of a plane and jumping out. It's not global catastrophe, but it's still pretty awesome.

Part of what has made Brian Wood's adjectiveless X-men so compelling is the sense of progression. Aside from books like Uncanny X-Force, not a lot of comics follow that kind of progression. The proto-mutants started off as an anomaly. But then Storm's security team did some digging and uncovered some rather disturbing trends, including a creepy cult based around proto-mutant DNA and a Jesus wannabe. Then in the previous issue, they met up with a proto-mutant who actually doesn't look like a monster, a ball of shit, or something out of a Japanese anime porn. And when they upset him by mentioning that proto-mutants were being used like dirty needles in a crack house. He responded completely logically by blowing a hole in their plane (when it was in mid air) and flying out. It's only slightly less outrageous than Lindsey Lohan's last meltdown.

In X-men #37, Storm's team has to deal with the immediate aftermath of a powerful proto-mutant jumping out of a plane and flying around in anger. Also in the previous issue, Pixie jumped out after him. This issue begins by showing how their proto-mutant friend, Gabriel Sheppard, caused such a raucous with his tirade that he attacked the fucking air force. And since military budgets are overbloated and certain pilots are trigger happy, their first inclination was to shoot it with a missile. Thankfully, Pixie manages to teleport him away before Joe Biden can convince the President to throw nukes at the situation.

As for the plane Mr. Sheppard flat out ruined, Storm and her team had to make an emergency landing and somehow explain to the airport workers why there was a big hole in their plane without them laughing their ass off. But a far more serious conversation was had between Cyclops and Storm. Now for the past few issues, conversations between Cyclops and Storm have been more volatile than the presidential debates. Storm has been keeping secrets from Cyclops about her little operation and Cyclops has been understandably paranoid about her secrets. This time there's no beating around the bush. Storm tells him (using the secret channel that Colossus was using to chat with Cyclops no less) that she's ditching her mission and coming back to utopia. And since this happens before Avengers vs. X-men, we know how that shit is going to end. It doesn't have the same impact as some of the previous debates, but the tension here makes for a nice prelude to what happens in Avengers vs. X-men.

We then switch from a volatile conversation to one that should give readers a warm and fuzzy feeling. After escaping a clearly confused Air Force that's probably still operating under Dick Cheney's rules, Pixie transports Sheppard to Antarctica to escape. When that proves to be too cold and cause too much shinkage (she is a teenage girl), she transports them to a deserted island. Because nothing bad could possibly happen by putting an old man and a teenage girl on a desert island with no supervision. I'm pretty sure that's how certain anime porn begins.

But even if it has the makings of anime porn, the conversation they have is very deep and very heartfelt. It's the exact opposite of Storm's conversation with Cyclops. It's like exchanging a line of blow for a shot of heroine, minus the vomiting. Pixie basically gets a sense for why Sheppard is so isolated. He's been alive for 700 years and done jack shit. He basically explains why he chooses solitude and it's not a bad reason. He says he's seen his entire race of proto-mutants live and die. That would give most people anti-social tendencies. As for him being overly pissed and busting out of their plane, he justifies that by not being comfortable with the X-men and assholes like David Gray fighting over the remains of his people like a couple of necrophiliacs fighting over a corpse. Wood does a great job of making his plight understandable here. It may not be as flashy as battle where he uses his shitty luck to justify beating the shit out of babies, but it still has an impact.

If the conversation with Sheppard was heartfelt, the conversation that followed with Colossus and Storm was akin to Terrel Owens trash talk minus the popcorn. For much of this arc, Colossus has been chatting with Cyclops behind Storm's back. She finally confronts him about it and Colossus goes off, explaining to her in a not-so-friendly tone why he thinks she's been treating him like some mindless battering ram that can be thrown out of a jet without so much as a shrug. Being forced to lie to his friends and go behind the back of Cyclops just doesn't sit well with him. Storm is smart enough to know this, yet she's done it anyways and for what? She's tried to do her own thing and what has it gained her?

It culminates in the biggest (and only) fight of the issue. Colossus, still drunk on Juggernaut power and not happy with being thought of as a mindless muscle, lashes out at Storm. She calls it a temper tantrum. He probably calls it saying, "Fuck you!" But Storm isn't one to take a temper tantrum lightly. Once Colossus starts implying that Cyclops would have handled this better and with enough time to get a couple of blow jobs from Emma Frost on the side, Storm shuts his ass up with a big ass bolt of lightning. It's not a very effective way of proving that she was right, but it is an effective way of winning an argument. It's like walking into a debate with a shotgun and Chuck Norris. You're not going to lose.

However, that battle with Storm and Colossus is the only battle in the book. It's personal and it's intense, but it really doesn't feel that action-packed. I know not every comic can have an epic battle, but it felt like this battle was just underplayed. It didn't have the impact that it could have, even if the argument was a good argument to have.

Without any fighting or arguments, Pixie and Sheppard part ways. Sheppard decides that with the proto-mutants extinct, he has no place in this world. So he decides to just leave. He doesn't say where he's going. That's probably just a subtle hint that the editors at Marvel don't care to see any more stories about him. It's like killing off a character whose actor has a contract dispute. But before he goes, he makes Pixie promise to destroy the remaining samples of the proto-mutant DNA that everyone has been fighting over. He just doesn't feel comfortable with more necrophiliacs trying to dry hump the corpse of his people. And that's a completely understandable request.

Pixie does as she asks, having a nice moment to herself as she revisits the area where David Michael Gray got this shit ball rolling in the first place. She essentially buries what's left of the proto-mutant arc. It's like an epilogue of sorts, showing that whatever potential the proto-mutants may have had is now lost along with Sheppard. It can also be seen as a prelude of sorts because Pixie describes how lost mutants are and with the coming events of Avengers vs. X-men, it's only bound to get more fucked up. It's not so much the calm before the storm. It's more like the wet fart before the onslaught of explosive diarrhea.

Some stories or arcs have a natural, definitive end while others are dragged out in a way that's so overblown and so convoluted that the Wachowskis will try to make it into a trilogy. This story surrounding the proto-mutants was the former thankfully. Brian Wood probably could have dragged this story out for as long as he damn well pleased, but he chose not to. He didn't end it with an overly spectacular final battle between X-men and a hoard of monsters or some other mad scientist that went off his meds. In fact, the climactic battle for this story was between two X-men who were supposed to be on the same side. It may not have been spectacular, but it had a solid impact. It may not have resolved itself in the most satisfying way, but it worked.

For once, the biggest flaw in a story isn't that a writer did way too fucking much. It was that Wood stopped it rather abruptly. He opted for subtlety and personal dramas rather than giant monsters that shit fire. In a market of comics that has that every other week, that helps set his proto-mutant story apart. He also emphasized the more personal connections in this story, such as Pixie and Sheppard as well as the much more volatile connection with Storm and Colossus. They emotions didn't run as high as one would hope, but they were there and they fit the situation.

That said, some may take Wood's subtle approach as a more boring approach. And that's not entirely wrong. Not a lot happens here aside from the fight between Colossus and Storm. The team basically decides to stop pursuing the proto-mutants and leave them alone. That's really not much of a resolution and it leaves a lot of unanswered questions. Yet Wood does find a way to make it feel fitting. It just isn't going to knock your socks off or make your dick hard.

Brian Wood's run on adjectiveless X-men has definitely grown on me. It started off rather slow, but he's found a way to make it worthwhile in a way that's hard to do with any comic. Reading this book left me satisfied with the progression of his run, but disappointed with the abrupt manner that it ended. Wood clearly knows how to write an X-book. His style may not be fore everyone, just as magnum sized condoms aren't for everyone. But they have their place. For that, I give X-men #37 a 3.5 out of 5. If you want a comic where shit blows up and makes no fucking sense, read Avengers vs. X-men. If you want a comic that focuses more on character relationships and subtle moments that you can read with your girlfriend before the ecstasy kicks in, this book is for you. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue #64: The Phoenix Saga Part 2 Is LIVE!

The Phoenix Saga is underway and the cosmic fires are heating up in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series! The event that forever changed the face of the X-men comics promises to do the same for this fanfiction series. The first issue showed just how bad Jean Grey's condition had become. It's a condition that began way back in X-men Supreme Volume 2: War Powers. However, the previous issue also revealed that these issues that have troubled Jean run much deeper. She's not in a position to overcome them on her own. It is up to the X-men to help her before it's too late.

But while the X-men are struggling to comprehend what is happening to Jean Grey, other forces are hard at work plotting against the X-men. This includes the likes of Sebastian Shaw, who showed up in a big way in the Partners in Madness arc. Then in Issue 63: The Phoenix Saga Part 1, he brought in Emma Frost to aid his agenda. I know Emma Frost has some very passionate fans so expect her to play a major role in this event! But first, she'll play a major role in the latest issue of the X-men Supreme Phoenix Saga. Enjoy!

Issue 64: The Phoenix Saga Part 2

To make the addition of this latest issue even more awesome, I have another bonus to include! With the previous issue, I included a spectacular commission courtesy of Brian Brinlee. He was generous and talented enough to provide an image of Jean Grey in her Phoenix Form for X-men Supreme. Well in the spirit of adopting Marvel's love of variants, I've posted a variant of his commission along with the new issue. It comes courtesy of a friend named Constance, who I know from comic book message boards. Constance happens to be good with Photoshop and did some tweaking to the commission. You can find it both within the issue and in the X-men Supreme Official Panels section.

And if anyone else is looking to have their work posted on the X-men Supreme website, please know that I'm always willing to accommodate! The more I can add to this fanfiction series, the better the experience. So if you want to do another variant to the Jean Grey Phoenix cover, feel free to do it and contact me if you want me to post it! As always, I deeply appreciate feedback and input for this and all aspects of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. I already got three generous reviews for the first issue of my Phoenix Saga. The event promises to escalate so please keep the reviews coming! I'm always willing to chat with readers so please contact me or post a review in the review section. Until next time, take care and best wishes! Excelsior!

Jack

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 - Inconsequential Awesome

Your bullshit has consequences. That's not me talking. I'm quoting a Baltimore County judge with whom I'm on a first name basis unfortunately. I know better than most that when you do stupid shit like piss on the windshield of a cop car at four in the morning, you're going to get in trouble. Being drunk isn't an excuse. Not remembering how you woke up face down in a puddle of piss doesn't work either. You're ass is still going to be in trouble and if you're really unlucky, it's going to be the new semen repository for your cell mate.

The big difference between my drunken antics and what Cyclops did in Avengers vs. X-men is that I chose to get drunk and to accept those odd purple pills from the guy at the liquor store with a neck tattoo. Cyclops didn't choose to wield the Phoenix Force, nor did he choose to go Dark Phoenix after the entire fucking Marvel Universe ganged up on on him. That would be like someone sneaking up on me, injecting me with booze and PCP, pissing me off by insulting my mother and the size of my dick, and then letting me loose in a bar fight. Yet Cyclops has a shitty lawyer in the sense that he still ended up in jail, despite being completely right about the Phoenix saving the mutant race and being driven insane by the Avengers's bullshit. Now both his friends and his enemies hate his guts despite him being completely right on pretty much all counts. I'm not sure if that's a win, but I think that means he's not in a position to be anyone's bitch in prison.

But the consequences of Avengers vs. X-men go far beyond Cyclops. In wake of the bullshit ending that I had so much fun shitting all over, the entire Marvel universe has been affected and now it's being reshaped to make way for Marvel NOW! But as bad as Avengers vs. X-men was, it wasn't so bad that it made the Marvel universe unreadable. Hell, only one guy died and it was a character that had been MIA since he was shot in the fucking head a mere five years ago. Some characters got more screwed than others, but that's not the point. The point is the shit storm has passed and Marvel has a chance to reshape their universe for the better. And it all begins with Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1, courtesy of Kieron Gillen. His work on Uncanny X-men #19 showed that he was one writer who didn't have his head up his ass for much of Avengers vs. X-men. So he would be in the best position to tell the story about the aftermath.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 begins by reminding readers of some of the good that Avengers vs. X-men accomplished. Hell, one of the only notable gems things that came out of this shit mine was that it finally ended the pathetically contrived Storm/Black Panther marriage. This was one relationship that even Jerry Springer would call trashy out of the sheer circumstance surrounding it (or lack thereof). We find out that Black Panther still has some bitter feelings about their annulment because when the X-men fly to Wakanda to offer help, he shoots at them. That's only slightly less hostile than shoving divorce papers in Storm's face, but it still brings a non-alcohol induced smile to my face to see that this relationship is fucking over.

From bullshit relationships to bullshit imprisonment, Kieron Gillen also takes some time to explore how the Marvel universe is screwing over Cyclops. It's not enough they've killed his wife twice. They have to make him a criminal for doing shit that Wanda Maximoff did less than a decade ago, yet she remains free. But I've already ranted about that. This scene doesn't dwell on the bullshit reasons why Cyclops is in jail. It essentially describes the kind of prison life's in for. See, the Avengers just haven't been big enough assholes to date so they don't want to put him in a prison with other villains that have nearly destroyed the world and aren't named Wanda Maximoff. They instead put him in a new private prison, complete with advanced mutant shock collar technology and a guy who looks disturbingly similar to a George W. Bush. It's about as fucked up as it sounds and then some.

But aside from screwing Cyclops over in ways that don't yet involve prison rape, Gillen uses this to explore another important aspect of the post-Avengers vs. X-men world. With so many new mutants emerging, the world has to re-learn how to deal with them. It was all so much easier when there was less than 200 of them and they were just hanging out on an island. Now they have to worry about imprisoning them again and what better way to test their tyrannical ingenuity than testing it on the guy who nearly destroyed the world after making it into a utopia? It's bullshit, but it's pragmatic bullshit and shows that Gillen is actually putting some thought into this issue. If only Avengers vs. X-men had been that logical.

And since Avengers vs. X-men gave readers even more reasons to want to see Hope Summers horribly tortured in ways that only Todd Akin would approve of, an aftermath book wouldn't be complete without reinforcing that hatred. Now that Hope has fulfilled her destiny and helped re-power the mutant race (exactly as Cyclops predicted no less), what's left for her? What the fuck does she do? Captain America and the Scarlet Witch (who Hope punched in the nose no less), come to her to ask that very question. She basically says she wants to live a normal life. That's right. This bratty little cunt who ditched the X-men after they did everything to save her ass and didn't bat an eye when one of them was thrown in jail just wants to say "Fuck it, I'm done with this." It would be like Jesus saying, "Fuck this, I'm going to a Roman orgy." Again, you want another reason to hate Hope Summers? Well there you go. Now excuse me while I fantasize about taking a shit on her grave.

Not only that, we find out that Cable was MIA from Avengers vs. X-men because he just fucking left. After X-Sanction, he did absolutely nothing to affect Avengers vs. X-men despite having insight into the future. He left Hope a note, but all it said was "Don't come looking for me you little brat. I've had enough of your shit." Okay, so maybe it was nicer than that, but it would be completely understandable. While this feels like a complete omission, it's worth pointing out that Marvel already announced that Cable would be part of a new X-Force book and that his activity or lack thereof during Avengers vs. X-men would be explained in that book. So while it may have been glossed over here, Marvel hasn't swept that shit under the rug and called it burnt bacon.

Another issue aside from Hope being an even bigger bitch is the rest of the Extinction Team. At the end of Avengers vs. X-men, only Cyclops and Emma Frost were taken into custody. The rest of the team including Colossus, Magik, Danger, Magneto, and Namor are still unaccounted for. So the Avengers have been taking breaks from being complete assholes in the face of victory to try to hunt them down. Whether by karma or incompetence, they've failed every step of the way. There's a nice scene with Iron Man and Captain America attacking what they think is Magneto's location. But it turns out it's just another dead end. You have to assume that somewhere Magneto is watching and waving his dick at them while laughing his ass off.

Because of this inability to find the Extinction Team and the prospect of having to deal with a new mutant population, Captain America tries to get some more help out of Wolverine, who is still an embittered drunk. This is another instance where Gillen ties this book with Uncanny Avengers very nicely. It takes place after the funeral scene that was so poorly depicted, but the funeral is secondary to this scene. The main issue is Captain America trying to convince Wolverine to help the Avengers hunt down the Extinction Team. That, unfortunately, means him trying to convince Cyclops to help them. Because for some reason, Captain America thinks Cyclops can be convinced to turn on his teammates after the Avengers have treated him like shit and thrown him into a private prison whose warden has probably sucked half the dicks in Congress. He might as well try to convince Wolverine to go vegan because he says no and isn't polite about it, which helps make up for him being such a massive douche as of late...somewhat.

But there's another little twist to Captain America's visit. While discussing with Wolverine the difficulty he's been having in tracking down the Extinction Team, he mentions that he suspects someone on their side is helping them avoid capture. He just refuses to believe that the same team that shot the Phoenix with a giant gun and split it into five pieces is too incompetent to track down a bunch of wayward heroes/villains. Go figure. But Captain America points out that the longer the Extinction Team remains free, the more people are going to shit their pants over this new surge of mutants. He's not wrong even if he is an asshole, but it does open the door to another plot twist. Who could the traitor be? Who would still help Cyclops's team at this point when the Avengers have labeled him the worst human being since Hitler sodomized Doom? There isn't a hint as to who it could be, but it definitely opens the door to some intriguing stories.

The intrigue must have gotten to Wolverine because despite telling Captain America to fuck off when he asked him to talk to Cyclops, Wolverine goes behind his back and pays Cyclops a visit in jail. It's not a very jaw-dropping moment. But at least Wolverine brought beer with him so that earns him points in my book. Perhaps he's also interested in who the traitor is that's helping the Extinction Team or for all we know he is the traitor because he's finally realized what a douche he's been. But that shit would just be too awesome for Marvel to come up with. Wolverine is already pissed off at Cyclops for being able to put his penis inside Jean Grey for so long. This visit can only be another way for him to give Cyclops the finger before his cell mate does worse.

In terms of consequences, this issue wasn't so much a lesson as it was an insight into what consequences one could expect if the world were run by Donald Trump. By that I mean ex-spouses hate each others' guts and the people with power and influence determine who the true victim is. This issue expanded somewhat on what Uncanny Avengers did in that it showed how shitty Cyclops's situation has become. He went from sharing a bed with Emma Frost to sharing a jail cell and keeping his asshole clenched at all times. It also shows just how big an asshole Captain America and the Avengers are when it comes to victory. They'll give their enemies a fancy cell that doesn't involve shock collars, but when one of their hero buddies goes crazy with power and isn't named Wanda Maximoff they get sent to a private prison where shit like torture and sodomy aren't frowned upon. It makes for a lousy message and it does hurt the comic in many ways because like Uncanny Avengers it essentially ignores circumstances and double standards in the same way creationists ignore fossils.

That's not to say there weren't some good moments. One thing that this comic did that Uncanny Avengers didn't was give a sense of progression from the end of Avengers vs. X-men to the aftermath. Kieron Gillen addresses lingering issues from the event like the whereabouts of the Extinction Team, how the world is going to handle a massive influx of new mutants, and the new partnership between the X-men and the Avengers. Even though Avengers vs. X-men sucked and plenty of details were still ignored, you at least get a sense from this issue that Marvel is trying to address them as best they can. But since Avengers vs. X-men was supposed to be their best as well, that's probably not saying much.

Overall, Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 does partially succeed in exploring the consequences of Avengers vs. X-men. It only fails in glossing over certain plots like Cable and providing yet another reason for readers to wish Hope dies a horrible, horrible death. Everything else from the dialog to the art to the general pacing of the story is solid. It's not Kieron Gillen's best, but it is more readable and more enjoyable than Uncanny Avengers. That's still not saying much so I give this issue a 3.5 out of 5. If you're going to teach your kids about consequences, this is not the kind of issue to use as a guide. But if you're going to teach them how to follow-up a shitty story and why men like Donald Trump should never be in charge, this will do the job. Nuff said!

Uncanny Avengers #1 - Partial Brain Damaging Awesome

I try not to hold grudges. I find it difficult at times. Not because I'm really forgiving, but with all the brain cells I've killed over the years I just have a hard time remembering why I'm pissed. And if I can't figure it out, I use that as an excuse to get myself another beer to make myself less pissed. It doesn't always work, but it's an excuse to get drunk so I'll take it. I needed more than booze after reading Avengers vs. X-men and not just because the story went down faster than Paris Hilton after a line of coke and six shots of tequila. The story ended with both the Avengers and the X-men looking like assholes, but the Avengers looked like stupid assholes. I'm willing to forgive a lot of assholery, but when the shit that comes out of it is just too much I can't bring myself to forgive that easily.

By now, everyone with an internet connection and enough will-power to stop looking at porn for more than ten minutes knows how Avengers vs. X-men ended. The Avengers came out on top, as one would expect a franchise whose movie grossed a billion dollars and allowed the Marvel execs to bathe in high priced champagne, hookers, and cocaine. But how they came out on top was what made them assholes. They didn't really defeat the X-men. They just made it so the X-men had to suck their dicks to get back into their good graces when they felt that the Phoenix couldn't be controlled. Never mind that nobody seemed to notice that the Phoenix only lost control when the Avengers started fucking with it. They didn't think twice in the same way an intoxicated Paris Hilton doesn't think twice when they're inclined to suck a dick.

But worst of all, the Avengers turned out to be dead fucking wrong. They thought the Phoenix Force was going to destroy the world and Cyclops thought it was key to kickstarting the mutant race. Guess who was right? And guess who ended up in jail? I've met some asshole cops in my life who would throw a 15-year-old girl in jail for having a single joint, but the Avengers throwing Cyclops under the buss and pissing on his corpse was just a dick move of cosmic proportions. So he killed a guy who hadn't done shit since he was shot in the head and kept trying to mind rape him. Fuck, that's not murder. That's self defense. Also, they didn't throw Wanda Maximoff in jail, who also happened to go fucking crazy and kill some very beloved friends (remember Hawkeye and Vision from Decimation?) not to mention decimating the entire mutant race. And yet she's not just free. She's prominent in Uncanny Avengers, which promises to be the biggest book to spin out of Avengers vs. X-men.

Now granted all these reasons to be pissed, I'm still willing to give Uncanny Avengers a shot. It doesn't just promise to wade through the shit left behind by Avengers vs. X-men. It's billed as a new era in Marvel. It's supposed to be the flagship book of Marvel NOW! where both the Avengers and the X-men join forces in a single team. While their reasons for doing so may be fucked, both Rick Remender and John Cassaday are crafting this book. That's like Da Vinci teaming up with Michelangelo (the artist and not the turtle) in comics. So I would be stupid in addition to being a drunk of I didn't give this book a chance.

Uncanny Avengers #1 begins with a rather grotesque scene that would probably give Dr. House a boner and a craving for more Vicodin. A rather unfortunate yet familiar figure is receiving a rather extensive lobotomy from an unknown figure. That figure is about as unlucky as the coach of the Cleveland Browns in that while he's getting his brain removed, the surgeon (who I'm assuming is on the AMA's shit list) is talking about how humans are more pissed off on mutants than ever before and the only way for mutants to respond is to give the finger to Charles Xavier's memory and start killing people. Guess that's an easy lesson to teach when you're literally picking at someone's brain.

From a very disturbing scene, it transitions into something a little less nauseating depending on how much you cried at the end of Old Yeller. Wolverine gives a eulogy at Professor Xavier's funeral. Because for some reason, they didn't think it was necessary to have something like this when he was FUCKING SHOT IN THE HEAD AT THE END OF MESSIAH COMPLEX! Yes, I yelled that as I typed it because it's worth yelling. It's also worth pointing out because it serves as a reminder that the death of Charles Xavier was ridiculously cheapened because of his history of getting his ass killed. In addition, he had done absolutely jack shit in the X-books as the mutant race he dedicated his life to teaching was on the brink of extinction. Yet for some reason they forget all that shit at the funeral? It must have had an awesome open bar.

As for Wolverine's eulogy, it's surprisingly bland for something that was written by Rick Remender. He essentially reminded everyone what Charles Xavier fought for while completely omitting the fact that he was fucking MIA when the entire mutant species was dying. Hell, Wolverine was flat out wrong when he said the X-men pushed Xavier aside. Does he even know his own continuity? Xavier stepped down from the X-men and never stepped up! If you don't know the man's history, the speech will only make you wonder why Remender cut and pasted shit from John Lennon's funeral when he's shown he's clearly a better writer than this.

As the speech is unfolding, Havok takes a break from doing jack shit and visits his brother in his ruby quartz prison. He basically tells him what an ass he is for killing Xavier and letting the Phoenix Force corrupt him. But anyone who read Avengers vs. X-men even partially sober know Cyclops didn't ask for the Phoenix Force. It was thrust on him courtesy of Tony fucking Stark. Hell, Cyclops could probably sue Stark for sexual harassment if he wanted. But does he take that into account? Fuck no! He's Cyclops's brother and at no time in the history of the human race has a man let little things like the truth prevent him from rubbing salt in an open wound for their brother. In that sense Havok's attitude is understandable, but grossly oversimplifying what actually happened and ignoring the logical inconsistencies with his words just makes him too big a douche. Cyclops, to his credit, doesn't reinforce his brother's attitude. He just reminded him that nobody (including Xavier) did shit to save the mutant race. He did. So he can suck his balls.

He leaves the prison, most likely in a very bad mood, and is greeted by Captain America and Thor. They invite him for a little chat over some overpriced coffee about the future of the Avengers. Captain America, having at least acknowledged that the Avengers have a history of turning a blind eye to mutant affairs, wants Havok to join them. He the Avengers need a mutant presence and the world needs a mutant face they can trust. And who better than the brother of Cyclops and son of Corsair? Because it turned out so fucking well for them. Havok even points this out, but he's still a douche-bag. Claiming his brother is an egotist? Fuck, if trying to create a worldwide utopia and saving your species from extinction is egotistical, then by comparison Mother Theresa was a cunt.

But while Havok was chatting with Captain America and Thor, we find out who that unfortunate lobotomy patient was. It was Avalanche, another mutant who has been more MIA than Terrel Owens's child support payments. For reasons that can only be attributed to brain damage, he unleashes a random rampage in the middle of New York City. Havok assists Captain America and Thor, but the damage is done. In this scene John Cassaday's artwork really shines as does the focus on the civilian victims of the attack. That shit often gets overlooked whenever shit starts blowing up in comics. In real life, when something blows up in a crowded city people get hurt. It's one of those little things that has been missing from the comics and it definitely helps set a different tone for Uncanny Avengers.

That tone gets all the louder when Rogue confronts the Scarlet Witch while she's paying her respects to Professor Xavier's grave. Now no longer languishing with Magneto and cat people dongs in X-men Legacy, she shows up to call the Scarlet Witch a total bitch for basically being the cause of all this shit. And unlike Havok's bullshit attitude against his brother, Rogue is right. None of this shit would have happened if the Scarlet Witch hadn't lost her fucking mind and tried to wipe out an entire species. But again, she (and Remender by default) ignore her own fucking continuity when she claims she accepts responsibility. Really? How the fuck does she do that? She's welcomed back into the Avengers with open arms and she isn't in fucking jail like Cyclops. There's double standards and then there's just plain willful ignorance.

That kind of ignorance really does hurt the story and the dialog. You get the sense that Remender is ignoring the facts even though the circumstances are still fresh. The Scarlet Witch killed a lot of fucking people with her bullshit. Cyclops killed one guy while he was Dark Phoenix. Rogue is right to call her out on her shit and Wanda is total bitch for just calling X-men soldiers who were trying to save their race. This is an instance where Remender's talent fails to create a balanced moment here. Wanda is simply wrong and Rogue is right. But nothing comes of it.

And it's not just because of the circumstances. Rogue never gets a chance to calmly explain why Cyclops killing a man while Dark Phoenix is no different than committing mass genocide while under the influence of Dr. Doom. They never even get a chance to have a little hot girl-on-girl action that Marvel should know by now is something a vast majority of their male readers appreciate. That's because they get attacked by a new team of villains that have only slightly better fashion sense than the last One Direction music video. They have horribly unoriginal names like Goat Faced Girl and Living Wind. Hell, if that's how they're going to identify themselves I should just call myself Iron Liver. But however lame their names may be, they successfully beat back Rogue and the Scarlet Witch to obtain what they came for.

What exactly did they want and who exactly are they working for? How about the dead body and brain of Charles Xavier and the motherfucking Red Skull? That's who has decided to come in and exploit the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-men the same way republicans exploit dipshit religious nuts. While it was already revealed in the teasers for Uncanny Avengers that the Red Skull was going to be the main villain, ending the issue with him holding up the brain of Charles Xavier after having given a lobotomy to Avalanche early on definitely leaves an impression. That impression will either put a smile on your face or make you want to throw up. Since I've seen far more disgusting shit hunched over a toilet in a gas station bathroom at three in the morning, I smile because it helps make up for some of the bullshit circumstances of this comic.

I'll give everyone who happens to be a pussy with a weak stomach a moment to come back from praying to the porcelain god like I've done with many a hangover. Now after reading this comic, I'm inclined to disclose that some comics are worth upchucking your meal from the last three days. However, I don't think this is one of them. Comics that are worth it are usually as awesome as a pair of tits and a line of blow. This comic wasn't awesome. It wasn't bad either. It was just okay. A big, fat okay for a book with Rick Remender and John Cassaday. That's like going to a Shakespeare play and getting a Rebecca Black concert instead. Given the massive fuckton of variant covers Marvel has thrown behind this book and the top tier talent they put behind it, for this to be anything but awesome is like taking a shit on the grave of Aristotle.

This comic had some nice moments. Rick Remender's dialog was strong in some areas, but weak and others. Cassaday's artwork was consistently awesome the whole time, especially in the gruesome moments that involved unnecessary brain surgery that would earn any doctor a lawsuit and a jail cell next to Jerry Sandusky. However, what really dragged this issue down was the poor characterization. That's supposed to be one of Remender's greatest strengths, as I've articulated with many drunken reviews of Uncanny X-Force. Here, it's like he thought he was so good at it that he tried to do it blindfolded. It led Havok to coming off as a complete douche, it made Wolverine's eulogy about as emotional and heart-felt as an apology from Mel Gibson, and it did nothing to make Captain America come off as less an asshole. This in addition to the bullshit circumstances left over by Avengers vs. X-men makes this comic a hard book to digest if you've got a weak stomach, but it's good enough in other areas to get you through without chugging a gallon of Pepto Bismol.

Uncanny Avengers #1 was billed as the beginning of a new flagship title for Marvel NOW! But if this is the best Marvel can do, then check that ship for leaks and look for Leonardo DiCapprio drawing Kate Winslett naked because that motherfucker isn't seaworthy. However, it does establish a new mission and a new team against a very devious threat that isn't afraid to desecrate graves and give random characters full lobotomies. In that sense, it's a decent issue. But again, the panties of the comic loving world will remain as dry as the Sahara and the wounds from Avengers vs. X-men will still fester. Because of that, I give Uncanny Avengers #1 a 3 out of 5. It's got pretty pictures and some nice moments. That sort of shit won't get you full service at a Bankok massage parlor, but it will get you a half-hearted happy ending. Nuff said!