Uncanny X-men #6: Nuff Said!

Love will make us do fucked up things for fucked up reasons to get fucked up with the ones we love. Somewhere during the 8-month time skip after Secret Wars, perhaps during the unspeakable act that made Cyclops the most hated non-clone character in the Marvel universe, something got really fucked up between Psylocke and Angel. He’s not some amnesiac hippie anymore. He’s a mindless, murdering Archangel again. That’s still a step up from a hippie in my book.

But now Apocalypse Wars has consumed the X-books. Marvel isn’t taking a huge shit on Fox’s upcoming movie. I imagine it’ll only be half a piss because this is an event that has already affected Extraordinary X-men. Now, with Arcangel’s elaborate history with Apocalypse, it’s set to consume Uncanny X-men. I imagine Psylocke’s panties have been dry for quite some time after what happened with Angel. I’m expect them to get even dryer after the events of Uncanny X-men #6.

Dry panties or not, Cullen Bunn makes it a point to capture Psylocke’s anguish. That same anguish that got cast to the wayside after the Dark Angel Saga is as strong as ever here. She laments over the man she lost, even though Arcangel is pretty damn useful as an attack drone for the X-men. While I’m sure some women would appreciate being able to control a man the same way they’re able to control their smart phone, Psylocke isn’t one of them. She isn’t a total cunt.

Through these lamentations, she finally gets a sign that maybe the Angel she knew isn’t deader than mullets, crystal Pepsi, or Cyclops’ reputation. She gets a brief psychic vision while scanning Arcangel’s mind. It’s not the kind of vision that involves George Clooney and Channing Tatum oil wrestling in a jungle though. It’s a horrifying sight of a coming Apocalypse. Given what’s happening in Extraordinary X-men, the timing couldn’t be better. And just like she did in the Dark Angel Saga, Psylocke has to stop him.

I would say it’s a recurring theme, but unlike mutant sterilization plots, it’s not a theme that feels forced. Cullen Bunn is building on the same foundation Rick Remender laid with the Dark Angel Saga. There’s nothing he’s doing here that isn’t a natural progression of that story. So anyone who wants to put this in the same category as mutant sterilization can quit while they’re behind.

With this terrifying vision, and with panties that are still annoyingly dry, Psylocke shares this information with Magneto. He didn’t play a role in the Dark Angel Saga so Psylocke has to give him a quick rundown, which also acts as a quick refresher course for those who missed it. And if you did skip the Dark Angel Saga, then shame of a 1,000 John Stamos dick pics on you. The story isn’t necessary for this one to make sense, but it’s a fucking awesome story and that should be reason enough.

This helpful reminder also includes a clue. Whatever shit storm Arcangel is about to kick up will take place in the overtly generic town of Green Ridge, Colorado. It might sound like tourist trap for pot smokers, but it’s as good a lead as they can ask for without Psylocke mind-fucking and/or flashing her tits at someone, although I’m sure that’s on the table if Dark Angel is involved.

As Magneto and Psylocke set out on a new mission, Monet and Sabretooth have one going on. It may or may not have anything to do with Arcangel, Apocalypse, the Hellfire Club, or anything else this series has conditioned us to give a shit about. But it involve some colorful banter between Sabretooth and Monet, who have developed a rather volatile chemistry. I can’t tell if they’re going to kill each other, fuck each other, or both. They’re basically a walking Quentin Tarantino movie, minus the presence of Sam Jackson. And their mission requires that they venture into the New York City sewer system so you know it’s going to be fun. Because it’s not like anything terrible ever came out of the New York City sewer system? Just ask Spider-Man.

If they did ask Spider-Man, he’d probably say, “I told you so! Now let me go back to sabotaging myself so I can stay relatable!” After a little bit of banter on inversions and past massacres, they encounter a familiar face. It’s Callisto, one of the Morlocks and someone who has a fuckton of reasons to stab Sabretooth on sight. And, true to form, she does just that. Inverted or not, seeing Sabretooth get stabbed is still pretty damn satisfying.

It leads to a quick yet wonderfully brutal fight. The artwork by Ken Lashley and Paco Medina really shines here. It’s bloody, it’s brutal, and it’s taking place in a fucking sewer. Considering how much the X-men have been shit on lately over movie rights and sterilization plots, I’d say it’s tragically appropriate.

Monet eventually stops the fight, but not before we’ve had our fill of bloody and brutal awesome. I’m sure Callisto will be touching herself tonight at the fresh memories of stabbing Sabretooth. Given all the enemies he’s made over the years, who wouldn’t? But Callisto understands that there’s a time for touching herself and a time for missions. Sadly, the latter must take priority over the former.

She reveals she was the one who called Monet. She just didn’t know she would bring Sabretooth with him. She claimed there’s another mutant crisis brewing and it cannot be fixed by hiding in the sewers. It works for ninja turtles. It doesn’t work for mutants sadly. Like the rest of the mutant race, the Morlocks are dying. And these are already a people who have been subject to a massacre in the past. In terms of being totally fucked, they’re right up there with Native Americans.

We go from the sewers of New York to the picturesque streets of Green Ridge, Colorado where everything is clean, the people are friendly, and pot is legal. It couldn’t be a more radical shift without having unicorns that shit chocolate fudge walking the streets. Naturally, Psylocke and Magneto assume there’s something horribly fucked up about this situation. In the Marvel universe where anything this peaceful is usually a sinister plot by Hydra, that’s a pretty safe assumption.

They walk the streets, seeing more and more utopian bullshit, making it even more clear that something ridiculously evil is lurking. They follow these clean-cut, Leave It To Beaver type people into a church in a park because it’s not like a church has ever done anything evil. Just ask a certain group of altar boys from the Catholic Church. Knowing organized religion is like catnip for insanely evil plots and/or televangelism, Psylocke and Magneto investigate. I hope they’ve also tempered their sense of decency because organized religion has a way of fucking that up too.

When they arrive, they’re just in time to see the charismatic heavenly leader of this church. And it turns out to be…Angel? Okay, like a couple of horny teenagers locked in a dark closet, I actually did not see that coming. However, I am very much intrigued. Psylocke is understandably confused while Magneto has that, “Oh fuck, it’s going to that kind of day,” type faces. Whoever this Angel is though, he claims to be preparing the folks of this town for a time of spiritual and physical healing. Being a sharply dressed, charismatic religious figure, it won’t be long before he starts demanding money or claiming that salvation can be achieved through his penis.

Ending the story here would’ve been just fine, but this issue has some nice bonus material as well. It doesn’t necessarily add to the ongoing story, but it doesn’t completely derail it either. It actually complements this issue and the other ongoing X-books for that matter. It shows a Fox News style debate about the mutant situation, complete with a bimbo-looking blond host and a grumpy old white guy who embodies all that is intolerant and hateful. They still manage to have a meaningful discussion about the state of mutants in the Marvel universe and it’s much more engaging than anything you’ll see on Fox News. Then again, a dog eating his own shit is more engaging than Fox News these days so that’s not saying much.

There’s also a nice bonus scene with Magneto and Xorn. Unless you’re a die-hard Grant Morrison fan, it makes more sense than it sounds. This actually does complement this series in particular because it builds on the end of the previous arc where Magneto sank Genosha. Xorn already kicked a lot of ass when the Dark Riders attacked. So it’s nice to see him interacting with the X-men again. He’s still a walking pseudo-sensei ripped from a Karate Kid movie, but the exchange he has with Magneto is meaningful. I hope it means he’ll show up in future issues to kick more ass and offer more tea.

So...is it awesome?

Well, there’s tragedy, there’s grit, there’s blood, there’s romance, and there’s even a bunch of religious nuts thrown into the mix. That’s just too much awesome to ignore. Uncanny X-men #6 couldn’t have set the stage for Apocalypse Wars better without projecting it on Pamela Anderson’s tits. We get insight into what happened in the Dark Angel Saga, what’s going to happen in Apocalypse Wars, and what kind of brutality we can expect along the way. Like a heated toilet seat, you just can’t get up from this thing and still be in a bad mood.

The drama with Psylocke and Angel is still as strong as ever. Fantomex tried to derail it, but he failed. Plus, Sabretooth got his ass kicked in a sewer. Like watching Glenn Beck cry, it’s one of those things that never gets old. Once again, Cullen Bunn establishes that this is a different brand of X-men who get shit done in a very different (and much more violent) sort of way. And as I often say when alcohol and deep fryers are used in conjunction with one another, you can’t argue with results.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Uncanny X-men #6 - Multiple Levels of Awesome

The first day of school is like a recurring national tragedy for most teenagers. It's basically the beginning of a nine month prison sentence where you'll be harassed, judged, molded, and controlled by teachers, peers, and government sponsored administrators who want to make sure you fit the mold of a future taxpayer/soldier. I always remembered feeling like a deer locked in Ted Nugant's basement on the night before the first day of school. I knew that I was destined for slaughter, but at least with the dear it was over in the span of time it took Nugant to load his gun. For students, that slaughter lasted nine fucking months.

I imagine the first mission for an X-man is a lot like the first day of school. You're woefully unprepared. You're inexperienced and overwhelmed. And you'll probably be judged in a way that will make you want to crawl into a ball, tuck your dick between your legs, and cry like a girl who just watched her uncle burn her My Little Pony correction. I would argue that missions with the X-men are still not as bad as gym class, algebra, and chemistry. But sometimes the missions have a way of being so fucked up that some students would be begging for a calculus exam.

That's the sentiment I think the students of the new Xavier Institute feel. After the events of Uncanny X-men #5, the school is finally coming together. So far Brian Michael Bendis has done an excellent job setting the stage for this school while capturing all the necessary drama from O5 Angel's defection to the student's learning why the Danger Room is dangerous. But before these students can even get their first lesson, Magik shows some strange symptoms that are extreme even for a teenage girl.

Now I've been fairly ambivalent about Magik since she became a demon-loving sociopath during Matt Fraction's run. But there is no denying that she is one of Cyclops's heavy hitters. She's a teenage girl with the power of Hell at her fingertips. You couldn't get a much more potent weapon without giving Dr. Doom unlimited amounts of weapons grade plutonium and crystal meth. She was one of the only ones whose powers didn't seem to be affected by the Phoenix Force. But in Uncanny X-men #5, we found out that wasn't exactly the case. And Dormammu, who happens to have a demon vacation home in Limbo, didn't much appreciate it. So Magik unwittingly transported the team and the new students to Limbo to battle demons. I'll finally say it. I think that is worse than my high school gym class. However, my gym teacher still looks striking similar to Dormammu.

But Uncanny X-men #6 doesn’t go straight to the bowels of Hell/Limbo from the onset. That would be too much for a world that still gives Pat Robertson his own TV show. One of the ongoing stories that has been unfolding since this series began is new mutants manifesting all over the world with new powers. The past few issues haven’t explored that, but Bendis shows in the first few pages of this issue that he has no intention of ditching that aspect of the story. This time it isn’t some whiney teenager though. It’s some 30-year-old guy named David whose girlfriend broke up with him via text message and is now moving out. For men of all ages, this is a low-point that only hard liquor and a box of tissues can solve. But rather than cry like a baby as his now ex-girlfriend drives off, David finds out he has a power that allows him to control her car and bring her back. She’s obviously pissed and confused, but it’s yet another new mutant who is going to be vulnerable after an ex-girlfriend busts his balls. In other words, he’s perfect future X-men material!

We then go from one hell to another. Now in Limbo, the team and the inexperienced teenage mutants who managed to get their asses kicked by the Danger Room in the previous issue are staring down Dormammu and a demon-possessed Magik. Compare that to the Original Five’s first mission, which involved only a giant robot and a guy with a bucket for a helmet. I think it’s fair to say they’re behind the curve. And Dormammu makes it clear that he’s not going to go easy on them just because their kids. In fact, he’s going to basically use them to fuck with Magik because that’s just the kind of guy he is. In this sense, giant robots don’t seem so bad.

However, this scene also highlighted and issue I usually don’t discuss on this blog and that’s the artwork. I love pretty pictures as much as the next drunk and most of the time I don’t expect the quality of Jim Lee or Mark Bagley with every issue. That would be like wanting every hooker to look like Pamela Anderson. But unlike hookers, I’m willing to look past mediocre art. But when it’s downright crappy, I do take notice. And this is one instance where the absence of Chris Belacho is really felt. The background of Limbo and the depiction of Dorammu here is atrocious and it spans the whole length of the book. It’s not horrible, but it’s difficult to look past even with the aid of my best weed. The inks are smeared, the colors are weak, and Dromammu looks more like a lion’s nutsack than a fiery demon. It doesn’t take away from the story, but it is painfully apparent.

As you might expect, the new mutants are busy shitting themselves, Magik is in full demon mode. She’s a teenager too, but she’s one of those teenagers that has firepower to go along with those irrational instincts. And that leads to some petty insults followed by some standard attacks. It’s not much in the sense that its wordy when it should be a big orgy of hellfire. Cyclops definitely adds to it by showing off his new fucked up powers. Because of the art it’s hard to appreciate how badass they are, but I’m guessing that blasting Dormammu helped soak the panties of both Emma Frost and Tempus (in a good way that is). It also shows why he’s still the leader and still as badass as Wolverine, minus the body hair.

However, these initial blasts don’t amount to much. In fact, they barely amount to anything other than weakening Cyclops and pissing off Magik’s demon side. She tries sending everyone back to the non-hellish world, but fails. There’s more talking here, which basically amounts to Dormmamu fucking with Magik while the new mutants whine like little pussies. But to be fair, they have every right to. I’m normally inclined to poke fun at characters in comics that act like future prison bitches, but in this instance Bendis actually creates a setting where such bitching is justified. These aren’t experienced X-men staring down Limbo. These are inexperienced teenagers. Unless they had gym class with me in high school, they’re not prepared for this.

And while I won’t poke fun at the young mutants, I will point out that there was way too much talking here. Bendis is great with mixing dialog and action. In this instance it didn’t mix as well as it has for most of the series. But I look at it as a bad batch of pot brownies. Even though they turn out bad, they can still get you high. So I don’t think it takes too much away from the plot. It causes it to drag for a bit.

But Bendis doesn’t let it drag for long. In the same way he touched on an ongoing theme in Uncanny X-men with a new mutant, he takes a break from hellish storylines to follow another plot that has been unfolding across multiple issues. It’s no secret that SHIELD and the Avengers got their asses served to them with a side of fries several issues ago. And Maria Hill takes pride in the sanctity of her ass so she’s not about to let this shit go.

With help from everyone’s favorite non-female SHIELD agent, Phil Coulson, she muses over the mutant issue while analyzing the sentinel that attacked in Uncanny X-men #1 (yet another great example of the connectivity in this series). In addition to having a nice ass, she’s smart enough to know that what they’re doing with mutants and with Cyclops ain’t working. And since the Uncanny Avengers can’t stop trying to strangle one another, SHIELD needs another approach to dealing with mutants and one that involves better analyzing the situation rather than treating Cyclops the same way they treat Hydra. It’s one of those things that should be common sense, but in the world of SHIELD sometimes common sense takes some pwnage to utilize.

Back in the hellish world that doesn’t involve the ex-girlfriend, the Stepford Cuckoos come to another hard conclusion that may also count as common sense. Dormmamu isn’t going to let them go and these young mutants are too chicken shit to be effective against his demon armies. So the only solution is to mind-fuck them to the point where they are no longer afraid and are ready to kick the devil in the balls while singing Journey songs. Now normally I’m morally opposed to mind-fucking unless it involves kinky sex antics from Emma Frost. But when it turns a bunch of whiney teenagers into a bunch of determined, badass X-men in training I think it’s not only justified. It’s necessary. It usually takes years for teenagers to overcome their innate fear of being inadequate. If a simple mind fuck helps them skip a few steps, then why not? It’s either that or whine while a demon uses them as toilet paper.

The talking finally stops and the fighting finally begins. And despite the poor artwork, it’s still a sight to behold. Both the veteran X-men and the new X-men fight together in their first major clash. It’s a big moment for this series in that Bendis has spent a number of issues just getting this team together and getting them into a base. Now they’re taking it to the next level and fighting as a team and against Dormammu’s mud demons no less. While it may still be a tough trial-by-fire for a group of new X-men, it should definitely make fighting killer robots in the future that much easier.

That’s not to say there isn’t some talking during this fight. However, it involves characters not participating in the fight. As the battle in Limbo is unfolding, Maria Hill is holding a little interview that is part of this new common sense approach to dealing with mutants. She claims she wants mutants to be treated equally as well, but doesn’t trust a team where Magneto is whispering into the ear of Cyclops. That’s not unreasonable in the slightest, but she still makes it clear that she doesn’t trust Cyclops and doesn’t trust what this revolution of his entails. So she needs someone to help her improve mutant relations without risking the Avengers getting pwned. And who might be willing to help?

Thankfully, we don’t have to wait until the next issue to find out. In fact, we didn’t even have to wait until this issue. It was already announced in future solicits that Dazzler would be joining SHIELD and would show up in the pages of Uncanny X-men. Well in this scene we find out how she gets caught up with SHIELD. After proving herself in the pages of Xtreme X-men and showing that she’s a capable leader in X-Terminator, she’s ready to become more than a glorified Lady Gaga parody. And in a series that already has a number of hot blonds on the team, I guess another couldn’t hurt.

In this day and age, the ability to multi-task is almost as valuable a survival skill as the ability to secure your next meal. It’s not to just be able to wrestle a bear while satisfying a woman. You have to be able to balance your checkbook, cook your meals, maintain your schedule, meet deadlines, stay in shape, and still have the energy to knock up or be knocked up to secure your bloodline. The people that don’t do that become Charles Darwin’s bitch. And reading Uncanny X-men, I get the sense that Brian Michael Bendis is trying to do overcompensate by making Drawin his bitch in ways that Kirk Cameron only dreams of. And the end result is pretty fucking awesome.

Uncanny X-men #6 didn’t just continue the story that Bendis has been developing with Magik and Dormammu for the past couple issues while exploring the mindset of a bunch of teenage mutants who have more pubic hair than experience. He established two new plots and found ways to make it mesh with the story he was already telling. We don’t just get yet another new mutant. We get some reactions from SHIELD, who were still clearly butthurt from the pwnage Cyclops gave them a few issues ago. But more importantly, we get a plan that brings Dazzler into the mix. Having thoroughly enjoyed her development in Xtreme X-men under Greg Pak, I’m just giddy like a chipmunk on crystal meth at the prospects of Bendis bringing her into Uncanny.

Very few writers can effectively balance multiple plots in a comic without it becoming an outright clusterfuck. Brian Michael Bendis is one of those few who can do so on a consistent basis and he’s been demonstrating that to great effect in both this series and All New X-men. He’s giving this team of X-men a very different set of circumstances compared to the All New X-men crew or even the previous Extinction Team. This is a team that isn’t seen as heroes, but Cyclops is still making an effort to do what he was trained to do by Charles Xavier. He’s trying to protect new mutants from the general douche-baggery of the world while teaching a new generation of mutants. Sure, he was the one that killed Xavier in a Phoenix-fueled rage, but if Wolverine can kill his own son and still rub elbows with Captain America, then I say bygones!

The balance in this issue was the highlight. However, there were some lowlights that kept it from being perfect. I usually don’t comment on the art of a book, but I’m really missing Chris Belecho’s style after seeing this issue. Not that it’s bad, but at times it looks link the inks were smeared with bull semen. Don’t ask me how I know what those smears look like. Also, certain scenes like Dormammu’s boasting made the story drag at times. It felt like it took way too fucking long for the team to get their act together and attack Dormammu. It’s like two drunks acting like they’re going to fight, but instead just stand around insulting each other’s’ mother. That’s okay for a bar fight. Not for a comic.

Overall, Uncanny X-men #6 maintains the high quality that Brian Michael Bendis has established with his X-books. That kind of consistency is rare in this day and age. The ADHD nature of comics, writers, and fans make consistent books as rare as a child star that doesn’t grow up to be a total fuck-up. I won’t say that Uncanny X-men is as awesome as Neil Patrick Harris, but I will say it’s in the same ballpark. I give Uncanny X-men #6 a 4 out of 5. If anything, we should take one vital lesson from this issue. Mind-fucking someone may be wrong in most circumstances, but it’s probably the only way to make a bunch of whiney teenagers into effective contributors. And for that, I deem it both justified and awesome. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #6 - Let's Talk About Awesome

There are people out there that think comics aren't a legitimate form of literary art. If ever you cross paths with these people, I encourage you to push them down a flight of stairs and then step on their nuts on the way down. Just because comics don't contain pages upon pages of words arranged into jumbled boxes of text doesn't mean there isn't real literary gold involved. Hell, comics have more shit going for it because it doesn't just use boxes of text. It uses actual pictures so that writers don't have to spend two pages describing the underwear that some overly proper bimbo is wearing while she's swooning over a guy with eight-pack abs and ten-inch dick. I'd much rather see a picture of beautiful women in spandex costumes than try to decipher shitty writing.

That said, all the pretty art and breast depictions in the world can't save a shitty comic from being shitty. Yes, even boobs have their limit. Great comics also have great writing. Great writing requires great writers. I know that sounds obvious, but great writers for comics are harder to come by than a sober co-ed at a frat house party. Kieron Gillen has become one of those rare finds for Marvel. While previous writers could tell a story, Kieron Gillen has shown genuine talent at bringing those stories to life with his words. He's shown it in both Generation Hope and Uncanny X-men. The epic battles and shit that blows up is just bonus. Plus, he even has a slick British accent that can soak the panties of any woman that fantasizes about James Bond. So there's that too. Uncanny X-men has benefited from his talent since he took over. It's benefited even more since he took the events of Uncanny X-Force and mixed them with that of Uncanny X-men.

This has forged the current Tabula Rasa arc. The X-men's Extinction Team is caught up in the miniature evolutionary petri dish that Arcangel used to essentially TIVO hundreds of millions of years of evolution. In the last issue they ventured inside to rescue some people who were stupid enough to take a hike in this world. They ended up finding not only an exotic world, but an exotic race of creatures that worshiped Arcangel as a god. Now that the TIVO isn't fast forwarding anymore, they're a little fucked up. And as it turns out, there were competing gods within this tiny realm. It's not unlike modern day Israel and Palestine. Except the god the X-men have to deal with here is big ass suit of metal with some big ass guns. Oh yeah, and it's the kind of metal that Magneto can't crush so he and Psylocke (who is subbing for the one-armed Emma Frost) have to avoid playing martyr. One of the innocent little creatures isn't so lucky. While this is going on, Gillen is actually narrating from this creature's perspective. It's not as compelling as the Phalanx bit he did a few issues ago, but it's a nice change.

Psylocke tries to call on Cyclops for backup, but unfortunately he was swallowed and pooped out by Tabula Rasa in the last issue so while he's not dead he probably wish he was. It also means he's in no condition to assist her and Magneto. Tabula Rasa is about as welcoming to strangers as a Victoria's Secret in Saudi Arabia because the rest of the team is quickly occupied. Colossus and Illyana have to play extras in a Jurassic Park remake while Hope and Namor have to play extras in an Abyss remake. It's remakes abound, even if there isn't much depth to it. Given that Colossus and Illyana weren't distracted at the end of the last issue, it's a little contrived for them to get attacked just as Psylocke and Magneto are facing down an Iron Man knock-off who I'm guessing has a very small penis. Yet Storm and Danger aren't occupied so they are able to come to their aid, so it's not as convenient as it could have been.

But what about Cyclops? What happens to a guy after a world literally poops him out into the middle of nowhere? Well it actually ends up being helpful in the same way getting your dick stuck in a toaster helps you make friends with EMTs. After being partially digested, he's taken to a lair by a creature that looks like it lost one too many fights with Predator. That lair contains the missing people who were stupid enough to venture inside Tabula Rasa in the first place. It almost makes you wish they were the ones pooped out by a world, but it's not about to turn into another shitty Aliens vs. Predator bit. While the creature did capture the overly curious humans, it also protected them and not because it was preparing to eat/mate with them. It's not clear what it really wants until it starts talking...in English. Okay, it's shitty English that only a drunk George W. Bush could muster, but English none-the-less.

Back with Magneto and Psylocke, the battle against the Iron man knock-off continues. It's been a bit lopsided to this point since Magneto can't use his powers to crush this thing like a beer can. But in a move that may or may not be his way of getting into Psylocke's panties, he puts that helmet of his to better use aside from being a shitty fashion statement. In a spectacle that makes Magneto just a little bit more than an old man with too much Viagra in his diet, he turns his helmet into a barrage of shrapnel. It doesn't completely stop the Iron Man rip-off, but it does make the fight seem a little less lopsided. That and I think it did earn him some points with Psylocke because when it tried to blast them again, she pushed him out of the way. In comics, that's the same as saying "Want to go back to my place and see how I got straight As with all my male teachers?"

Magneto's attack forces the Iron Man ripoff to step up it's attack and go in for the kill. This would be more than appropriate if it hadn't wasted so much time, allowing both Danger and Storm to catch up to the battle. To this point Danger has been providing surveillance by turning herself into a satellite. But she also showed that a satellite can also doubt as a giant dick from space capable of badly fucking anyone and anything from sub-orbital space. When she arrives on the scene, the overcompensating robot gets whatever counts as it's asshole plowed and not in a way that makes for awesome gay porn. If that isn't enough to shrivel it's scrotum, Storms hows up as well and throws in several million volts of lightning. So if this thing was really a god to the creatures on this world, then I think it's safe to say they just pulled a Richard Dawkins on it's ass. That'll leave only the alien equivalent of creationists and you know they aren't going to be smart enough to pose a threat.

They've taken down the killer robot/demigod. One of the biggest threats in this world that God was drunk when he created is neutralized for now. It's a great time to reunite and regroup. Unfortunately, the others are still occupied and for reasons that feel more like an "my dog took a shit on my computer and destroyed my homework" type excuse. Apparently while the battle against the robot wannabe god was unfolding, Colossus's battle against the local wildlife went bad and they took Illyana...off panel...with no other details given. Now normally Gillen is really good about moving the plot along in a believable, coherent way. He usually doesn't resort to tricks that keep certain characters out of the way unless it's developed. This shit just seems to come out of nowhere. While it looks awesome when Colossus goes all Juggernaut, it feels like an overly contrived reason to keep him from meeting up with the others.

Normally, I'm willing to overlook one such misstep. Then we revisit the underwater battle with Namor and Hope. Like the battle with Colossus and Illyana, it ended...off panel...with no other details given. Starting to see a pattern? But it's not just those lost details that make this scene feel glossed over. Namor spends two pages essentially explaining to the inexperienced Hope that knows only kicking ass and ripping off Jean Grey that the underwater creatures around them aren't enemies. They think they're under attack because of all the shit that's been going on with Tabula Rasa's timestream getting all fucked up. While kicking their asses is all well and good, it probably would serve them better if they found a way to make them allies.

This tactic is all well and good if not for the long-winded explanation. I get that Gillen is good with words and like a man with a large penis, likes to show it off. But words aren't enough here. Aside from the talking, all Hope and Namor do is swim. They aren't fighting anything. Nothing seems to be stalking them either. It's just swimming and talking. Too much talking. It's a more than a slight shift from the battle against the robot demigod earlier. It's way longer than it needs to be.

It doesn't stop there either. Back with Psylocke, Magneto, Storm, and Danger, they catch up with Cyclops who brings with him some answers in the form of the same creature that abducted him. This creature, who learned English in a way makes you want to slap the clerk at 7-11 who can't figure out which brand of cigarettes you want, explains to the X-men the kind of bullshit they're up against. He didn't capture those people for kicks. He did it to study them and not with anal probing thankfully. Once he was reasonably sure that humans were sentient (although he admits he's not convinced), he explains what happened to his world.

It's another long winded explanation that takes up multiple pages. The creature calls himself Savage and his race is called Apex. Like humans, they considered themselves the top species of Tabula Rasa. Also like humans, they were energy hogs. They were smart enough to understand that at some point a self-contained world like this won't be able to keep it's equivalent of iphones and vibrators working. So they needed an alternative. Savage's friend (aka the guy in the Iron Man suit), decided it was a good idea to build a big ass suit of armor and look for energy outside Tabula Rasa. Savage's idea was to put themselves in stasis until Tabula Rasa's fucked up timeflow stabilized. That's the same as suggesting to someone that they knock themselves out until someone comes up with a viable alternative to fossil fuels. It's taken about as seriously as Ryan Secrest. While Savage went with his stasis idea, his buddy built the suit. Essentially, it boiled down to people not being able to come together to find a solution to an energy crisis. If these guys can't do it with Celestial technology, what hope is there for humanity? Fuck, I need some weed.

The long winded explanation continues. When Savage emerged, he found out that the Apex eventually caved to his idea and made a stasis field to wait out the coming temporal ass raping. It ended up failing. Tabula Rasa simply used them to feed the many other creatures. So when Savage's buddy returned after being stuck in temporal stasis as well, he was understandably pissed to find that his whole civilization was fucked. Naturally, he wants it back and doesn't care if he fucks the entire world when he does it. It's a lot of talking and not much else, but it does explain what they're up against and it shows that a giant robot demigod isn't just compensating for a small penis. It wants to rebuild it's civilization and is okay with blowing shit up in the process. It's understandable and shouldn't take several pages to explain.

I like Kieron Gillen's writing. I really do. He actually puts some effort into his words when he writes. That goes a long way with comics and for much of his run, it's been one of his strengths. However, in this issue he overdid it. There was a lot of talking, but not much was said. Maybe that's just the weed typing this shit for me, but between the narrations from Savage and Namor's little exposition it just seemed like wasted words. It's like driving your car down the driveway just to pick up the fucking mail. It caused the comic to really drag and spent way too much time just explaining shit rather than actually doing it.

Now not all these words were meaningless. They did fill in some of the blanks as to what is going on with Tabula Rasa and what it is the Extinction Team is up against. Savage and his race have their own history and in this issue, we got just a brief taste of how vast that history really is. The problem is it's not as compelling as it could have been. Too much was given all at once. There wasn't enough mystery left behind to be revealed later. Now maybe that's because this arc isn't long enough and Gillen is trying to squeeze too much in, but it simply doesn't work as well usual. Plus, scenes with Namor and Hope seemed glossed over. So did Illyana's disappearance with Colossus. Gillen just told the story. He didn't really show it. Think of it this way. Would you rather have a beautiful woman describe her tits or actually show them to you?

This isn't a bad comic. It has plenty of action as well as a pretty elaborate story that's worth following. It just drags too much in some areas while not expanding in others. While it leaves the issue feeling ab it flat, it doesn't mean the whole arc is brought down. Kieron Gillen has plenty of ways to make the next issue as awesome as it needs to be. Until then, this issue is a textbook case of filler. So for a final score, I give Uncanny X-men #6 a 3.5 out of 5. There's a decent story here and Kieron Gillen is great at telling it. It just hasn't come together yet. Once again, I'll compare it to tits. The hot stripper is still on stage. She hasn't taken her bra off yet and she's been teasing it way longer than any decent stripper should. But you can tell there's something behind that bra worth seeing and you can't help but stare in anticipation. I think I've made my point. Nuff said!