Monday, December 16, 2013

All New X-men #21 Unlettered Preview - Unfair Fights

We as Americans usually root for the underdogs. It’s in our blood along with apple pie, baseball, and failing public schools. But every now and then, we enjoy watching a painfully lopsided fight? I’m all for epic slug fests between Rocky Balboa and Ivan Drago. But once in a while, I like to watch Mike Tyson beat the shit out of Andy Dick. It’s not going to be an even match, but it’ll be awesome as fuck to watch.

I get that same feeling whenever some really evil fucks manage to capture and torture the main heroes in a comic book. It happens as often as Wolverine running out of whiskey. At some point the heroes going to get overwhelmed and cornered. And shortly after that, they’re going to hulk out and beat the living shit out of the stupid fucks who thought it was a good idea to be in a confined space with them. Seriously, how many have tried to keep Wolverine restrained and how many have been eviscerated because someone kept thinking they could succeed where others had fucked up? I imagine the body count is higher than the number of people who asked for refunds after seeing the last Adam Sandler movie.

But sometimes it’s hard to feel too bad for these evil fucks. Some of them deserve to get eviscerated in the worst possible way. It’s like watching Hitler get burned alive. There’s a perverse feeling of justice to go along with the awkward boner. I’m not going to say that the Purifiers are as bad as Hitler in the X-men comics, but they’re right up there with Pat Robertson and Michelle Bachmann. They recently made a comeback. Now that mutants aren’t going extinct, they can start using Bronze Age mythology to justify atrocities against a group of people they don’t understand. They already roughed up X-23 so they have a big ass target on their assholes and their necks. With X-23 set to join the O5 and swap spit with O5 Cyclops, she’ll be even better equipped than before to make them wish they had been born without an asshole.

It’s still not certain how X-23 is going to fit into the O5 X-men or how the fuck she ended up being chased by the Purifiers after Avengers Arena. I’m sure Marvel is going to take a “let’s not and say we did” to some of those details, but they can’t let the Purifiers go unpunished. And the awesome folks at Comic Book Resources released an unlettered preview of All New X-men #21 that apparently sets the stage for their punishment. Again, I don’t feel sorry for them. I’m probably just going to grab a beer and a bottle of lube and enjoy the blood bath.

This January, the X-Men battle for their lives against the mutant-hunting Purifiers in the exciting ALL-NEW X-MEN #21 – from blockbuster creative team of Brian Michael Bendis, Brandon Peterson and legendary X-Men: God Loves, Man Kills artist Brent Anderson (back for a special flashback scene)! X-23 is back – but her first mission with her new team, after her horrific ordeal in Avengers Arena, has gone horribly. X-23 and the All-New X-Men face brutal torture at the hands of the Purifiers! Will her first mission be her last? This January, the claws come out in ALL-NEW X-MEN #21!

It looks like the setup for the sickest kind of German porn imaginable. But since Marvel is owned by Disney now, it’s a pretty safe bet that they won’t get too kinky. It’s also a pretty safe bet that the Purifiers are get their internal organs carved up and sold to cannibals at some point. Not only did they abduct and restrain X-23. They took O5 Cyclops too, a guy who she might or might not bump uglies with depending on how All New X-men #20 plays out. And few things could possibly piss X-23 off than someone fucking with her boy toy.

But beyond X-23 hulking out and making Wolverine proud, this is still some pretty dark shit. And it’s worth remembering that the O5 X-men are still fucking teenagers. They’re not the hardened X-men that they grow up to be. They’re still young, dumb, and think they can solve all the world’s problems. But like any kid who graduates college and starts working for a living to pay off bullshit student loan debt, they realize the world sucks more balls than they ever could have imagined. It might traumatize them in ways that will make it hard to embrace Charles Xavier’s ideals.

The Purifiers are like creationists, theocrats, and sadists all mixed into one devious package. If that’s what they have to deal with in the future, what hope do they have for peace? Pat Robertson has a better chance at passing a college level course on evolutionary biology. It could leave some pretty fucked up scars, but at least they’ll get a chance to kick their asses. And seeing religious zealots get their asses kicked never gets old. Nuff said!

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