Thursday, December 5, 2013

Uncanny X-men #15 Lettered Preview - Emma Loves Doggy Style

Anyone who has been following this blog for any amount of time knows it doesn’t take much for me to make a dirty joke. I see woman’s lips quiver or a man’s right hand shake awkwardly and almost immediately, my mind ventures into that dirty space located somewhere between Ron Jeremy’s asshole and Jenna Jameson’s breast implants. Since the men and women in comics already look like porn stars and male strippers, that’s easy to do whenever I review comics. But sometimes I see something that requires no joke. It’s as dirty and as awesome as it needs to be without me saying a damn thing.

Such is the case with the latest preview for Uncanny X-men #15. I already did a post on an unlettered preview that was released a few weeks back. But that preview didn’t need to be lettered. It basically conferred the premise of the issue. The women of Cyclops’s revolutionary team want to get away from revolutionaries and worshipping Cyclops’s penis for a while and just dive right into old female stereotypes. And that’s fine. That has plenty of appeal because we see these characters doing enough crazy shit like fighting giant robots or rubbing shoulders with cosmic entities. It helps regular drunks like me relate to these characters when we see them involved in less hostile activities.

But the shopping concept and all the ways that pisses off some feminists isn’t the bonerific moment of the preview here. The lettered preview that just came out, courtesy of Comic Book Resources, didn’t include the same pictures as the unlettered preview. It was shorter too and that’s usually a real pain in the ass, but in this instance it compensates in a big way. I could coordinate with my brain and my penis to try and describe how it compensates. Instead, I’ll just shut up and let the preview speak for itself.


The ladies of the UNCANNY X-MEN go out on the town and find themselves face-to-face with the effects of INHUMANITY.

Wait, is that Kitty Pryde with the UNCANNY X-MEN?!?!

Rising star KRIS ANKA (covers of UNCANNY X-FORCE, ALL-NEW X-MEN SPECIAL) comes in as guest artist for this special issue!

There are way too many dirty things I could say here. I know I’m already on the FCC’s most wanted list and I’m sure the NSA laughs their ass off at this shit when they’re not laughing at my drunken texts at three in the morning. But for once, I think the picture here speaks for itself.

We’re so used to seeing Emma Frost looking so elegant and regal. She’s the fucking White Queen for crying out loud. That’s practically a reflex for her. She comes off as the kind of woman who spends no less than two hours getting ready in the morning. And she makes damn sure that everyone she confronts knows it’s worth it. But no matter how hot Emma Frost looks during most of the day, she won’t always look her best. I’m convinced that Helen of Troy herself looked like shit when she first woke up in the morning. This just takes it to a hilarious extreme.

It’s not enough for Emma to look disheveled. She also has to fall asleep in a position that was probably incredibly convenient for the Cyclops, Namors, and Sebastian Shaws of the world. Like a smartphone on standby, this woman was built to be sexy even in her sleep. And that’s sexy on a level that no other woman can touch. Nuff said!

1 comment:

  1. Who in the hell sleeps on all fours like that? Thats a Pamela Anderson joke waiting to happen still excited for the issue though.