Scanned Thoughts: Captain Marvel #14

We all find ourselves caught in brutal, self-perpetuating cycles at some point in our lives. And I’m not just talking about the brutal cycles that involve trying to fix an old pair of shoes with duct tape and used chewing gum. I’m talking about the kind of shit that leads to interventions on shitty reality shows. It’s kind of like the worst kind of alcoholism. We drink because we’re depressed, but drinking makes us more depressed so we drink even more. It’s like trying to put out a grease fire with gasoline. We know it’s insane on some levels, but we do it anyways because we’re in that cycle and we’ve just become too comfortable fucking things up.

Since the Black Vortex crossover story began, the seeds of that brutal cycle have been blossoming slowly yet surely. It has made for an intense, compelling, dramatic story that has surprised everyone not pissing themselves over Marvel’s upcoming Secret Wars event. The Black Vortex is like alcohol mixed with meth mixed with gambling mixed with internet porn. It gives people everything they want and all the feelings they want, minus the hangover or having to blow some guy in a trailer park. Some of the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy have already succumbed. Some who have are starting to find out the Black Vortex can lead to shit way worse than a hangover.

Yet still, they’re tempting their friends to drink, snort, and indulge in its cosmic glory. Now someone like Carol Danvers is already powerful enough and is among those who doesn’t need cosmic power to be awesome. But in the same way Hugh Hefner is prone to hooking up with a new buxom blonde every month or so, Carol is just as vulnerable to temptation in Captain Marvel #14. But unlike Hugh Hefner, the Black Vortex can do way more than damage than bad pre-nup or a failed reality show.

The temptation is already there and not just because Carol Danvers is probably getting sick of receiving dick pics from Hugh Hefner. She drew the short straw at the end of Cyclops #12 in that she had to be the one to get the Black Vortex away from Mr. Knife and the Slaughter Lords. I’m pretty sure she’s given them the cosmic finger no fewer than ten times since then because the Slaughter Lords do catch up to her. And she even muses how she’s reached her limits many times before. This may be one of those times where she has to punch those limits in the dick, but she’s not quite there just yet.

The inner monologue here does more than just provide insight into Captain Marvel’s state of mind. It also provides a nice recap of what got her to this point and how fucked the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy currently are. In simplest terms, the tip is in and it wants to go further. It provides a nice bit of context for this part of the story, keeping the Black Vortex saga concise. And in an era where crossover stories are about as coherent as a schizophrenic acid trip, that says something.

Even so, not much context is needed to establish that Captain Marvel is up the cosmic version of Shit’s Creek. The Slaughter Lords surround her and attack her before she can get to Spartax where the rest of the Guardians and the X-men are waiting for her. She eventually takes one too many hits and loses the Black Vortex. Considering how Mr. Knife has tormented everyone since this story began, she’s still getting off easy. And that temptation to punch her limits in the dick just keeps getting stronger.

She eventually loses the Black Vortex and Thane is first in line to chase it with Mr. Knife following close behind. Knowing the universe has enough freshly torn assholes after the events of Age of Ultron, Captain Marvel goes after it. And she still has to do this without the aid of the kind of cosmic mojo that Thane already has and Mr. Knife desperately wants to dry hump. She’s able to avoid getting encased in amber like some of her friends, but she’s not able to avoid Mr. Knife being a dick. That’s one force that no amount of cosmic power can stop at this point. Her only advantage is that he’s got rocket skates while she has the power of the Kree and being an awesome blond female badass. It sounds like a Lamborghini versus a golf cart, but Mr. Knife is the kind of guy who fits his golf carts with surface-to-air missiles.

Even though Captain Marvel wins the race, Mr. Knife makes sure the finish line has a giant middle finger at the end. She has the Black Vortex for a grand total of five seconds before she crashes right into Mr. Knife’s floating base. Both her confidence and her pride are probably pretty wounded. And I’m sure Mr. Knife has a throbbing erection right now. Like a walking Cialis commercial, he keeps it up by showing off some of the gadgets that Starlord usually likes to play with. That includes the kind of illusions and tricks ripped off from a Dragonball Z rerun. The only difference is that Mr. Knife does it a way that makes even Freiza likable.

It really doesn’t need to be reinforced at this point, but every part of the Black Vortex saga seems to do it anyways. Mr. Knife is a dick and a shitty father. Even Darth Vader at this point would shake his head and tell him he’s overdoing it. It’s getting to the point where his assholery is being belabored, but it helps establish that this is a guy who should not come within a billion light years of the Black Vortex. And even if it is belabored, it does leave no ambiguity as to who the villain is here.

It’s because of Mr. Knife’s uncanny ability to be a total dick that Captain Marvel is on the ropes. She’s already been shot at and roughed up by Thane and the Slaughter Lords. Now Mr. Knife is violently shoving her to those dangerous limits of hers. This leads to that tantalizing temptation to just fire up her inner Game Genie and end this without breaking a sweat. The Black Vortex senses that temptation and offers her the power she needs. I imagine it’s like dangling a cold beer in front of Wolverine on a hot summer day. And like a crack head in Rick James’ old house, she is definitely tempted.

This is where nobody would blame her for embracing this power. Others in this story have been in similar situations and succumbed. It seems like the most obvious decision in the world that doesn’t involve choosing imported whiskey over diet Pepsi. But that’s not what happens. Carol Danvers shows the kind of will-power and strength that the Ted Haggards of the world would envy. She rejects the Black Vortex’s power.

This moment carries a lot of weight because it helps switch things up from the rest of the X-men and the Guardians, who seemed to be leaning towards succumbing the first chance the going gets tough. Carol Danvers isn’t ready to resort to cheat codes just yet and that puts her right up there with Jennifer Lawrence in terms of awesome blonds. That said, there isn’t a lot of emotion in this decision. Sure, she describes the power as being akin to injecting meth while beating up every player on the Dallas Cowboys’ active roster, but there’s not much else that goes into it. There’s not an emotional push here. She just says, “Fuck it! I don’t need this shit.” That’s badass and all, but nothing we haven’t heard Chuck Norris say.

Without the aid of the Black Vortex, Captain Marvel pushes herself to be a little more badass and it works. She’s able to pull off some flashy theatrics that effectively kills Mr. Knife’s boner. He’s still in one piece so it’s not entirely successful, but it does give Captain Marvel one less asshole with cosmic ambitions to worry about.  Granted, that asshole is the son of Thanos. It’s like exchanging one shitty car for another. But so long as that car isn’t a Kia, it’s still an upgrade. It’s still satisfying, seeing her take down Mr. Knife. The man hasn’t been humbled much in this crossover event. He needs it almost as much as Simon Cowell at this point.

She should probably do the same thing to Thane. However, she’s willing to bet that Thane isn’t quite the same asshole as Mr. Knife. This is actually as safe a bet as she could get without being accused for insider trading. She challenges him to question whether helping Mr. Knife will actually aid his goals or if Mr. Knife will only screw him over the moment he gets bored with his new cosmic powers. It’s wholly reasonable, but it backfires in ways that most internet videos involving bottle rockets backfire.

Thane considers who is more trustworthy with the help of an imaginary friend that has been very poorly defined to this point. Is it Mr. Knife or some pretty female Avenger who has played a part in pissing off his father on multiple occasions? Rather than hold his nose and flip a coin, Thane decides they’re both full of shit and neither deserve the Black Vortex. It is a dick move, but it’s the most logical decision an admitted asshole can make in a situation like this.

As part of this decision, Thane tries to encase both Captain Marvel and Mr. Knife in amber like he did all of Spartax. He ends up only succeeding in part. Captain Marvel shows that she can be pretty damn cunning in addition to being powerful and sexy. She uses the Black Vortex in a way Captain America would probably approve of, redirecting the amber right at Mr. Knife. He ends up getting encased in amber, ensuring he won’t get that same raging boner again. It still might have been more satisfying to see Captain Marvel and Thane crush his skull and use it as a coffee mug. But this is a close second.

It also effectively proved that Captain Marvel didn’t need the Black Vortex to win this fight. Sure, it probably would’ve been easier and she would’ve been able to torment Mr. Knife in all the ways he deserved. But that’s not her style. That’s not the kind of superhero she is. In the same way Superman resists the temptation to use his X-ray vision on the Lakers Cheerleading squad, she resists the temptation to gain more power to solve her problems. That’s why she’s one of Marvel’s biggest heroes and why she’s getting her own movie.

Sadly, we don’t get to see Mr. Knife suffer in his fancy new state. Before Thane can take another shot, Gara shows up. She’s the ancient Frieza rip-off whose people first used the Black Vortex, as shown earlier in the crossover. For some reason, she chose this random moment to come back and fuck things up a little more. Sure, it helps that she hits Thane with the kind of punch that sends him to the nearest black hole. And yes, that’s very satisfying. But it’s still a bit random and doesn’t fit as cleanly as some of the other developments in the Black Vortex. It’s still way more concise than 80 percent of most major crossover stories that don’t involve the Simpsons so I can’t make too big a deal out of it.

This is one of those stories that could’ve become painfully predictable just by changing a few minor details. It could’ve become the Dark Phoenix Saga featuring a pretty blond instead of a pretty redhead. It could’ve become the same story that Chris Claremont perfected back during the Carter Administration. But it didn’t. It nicely continued the clusterfuck that began to unfold in Cyclops #12 and put Carol Danvers at ground zero of the shit storm. Yet somehow she managed to come out of it without smelling like an unwashed pair of Bill O’Riley’s underwear. That’s both an achievement and a testament to the strength of this story.

Like Carol Danvers, the Black Vortex saga has resisted the urge to follow the same tried and true formula involving powerful cosmic mojo. It hasn’t become the Phoenix Saga. Carol Danvers didn’t become Jean Grey. And the Black Vortex hasn’t become the Infinity Gauntlet. Carol Danvers had to fight Mr. Knife and Thane in the kind of situation where there was an easy out. She could’ve just punched in the cheat code and flossed her teeth with their entrails. She chose not to. She resisted the urge to start another brutal cycle and ended up defeating Mr. Knife in a much more satisfying way. He’s the only one who left this story with shit stain and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer asshole.

The appearance of Gara at the end still felt a bit random, but her story was never meant to be cast off at the beginning so it doesn’t keep Captain Marvel #14 from being both awesome and coherent. I give this comic an 8 out of 10. It continues the story without resorting to the kind of bullshit cycle of power corrupting that we’ve seen in every Macbeth rip-off. That in and of itself is an accomplishment. Nuff said!

Exposing Strengths and Weaknesses: Batman/Superman Annual #2

The following is my review of Batman/Superman Annual #2, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There aren't a whole lot of things from the 1930s that are still around in their original form. Phones have gotten more advanced, cars have gotten more efficient, and polio is not nearly the concern it once was. But of the few things that have endured from that time of jazz, vaudeville, and economic stagnation, the most memorable constant that doesn't involve an FDR speech is still Superman.

Across generations and multiple wars, both hot and cold, we all know what Superman stands for. He is the embodiment of an ideal. He stands for truth, justice, and the American way before the American way became associated with drone strikes and bank bailouts. He might be the most powerful being in the world, capable of moving planets and winning a fight with Lex Luthor by sneezing. But he still always does the right thing, using his power to help people. It's the way we wish presidents, dictators, and prime minsters would behave. Most of them fail, but Superman still embodies the idea that power doesn't shouldn't keep people from doing the right thing.

So what if he didn't have that power? Could he still help people? Could he do so without being outwitted and overpowered in a way that most would experience if they challenged Chuck Norris to a cage fight? Those are all questions that Batman/Superman #2 Annual attempts to answer and it certainly is a question that's worth answering. Because if Superman can only do what he needs to do because of his powers, then that undermines his credibility in the same way Bruce Wayne being a lousy tipper would undermine his.

And that answer ends up making for an entertaining, action-packed struggle that once again shows that Superman's greatest strengths don't lie with his powers. He doesn't just prove it to those he's trying to help either. He also proves it to Batman. And when Batman is convinced of something, the argument is over. Even a creationist wouldn't deny it at that point.

What makes this struggle so entertaining is that it doesn't just put Superman in a position where he has to save the day without using his powers. It doesn't involve him stopping an armed robber, getting a cat down from a tree, or helping an old lady across the street. He has to battle the likes of Bane, Killer Corc, Cheshire, and an army of Man-Bats. These are the sorts of battles that Batman might be used to fighting during his summer vacation, but it's new to Superman. Even so, he finds a way to rise to the challenge.

The setup is pretty straight-forward. The Phantom King forces Superman to use his newly discovered solar flare power to save a city that had been devastated by Doomsday. This makes him vulnerable and since the Phantom King is still stuck in the Phantom Zone, he enlists some of Batman's cast-offs to finish Superman off while he's vulnerable. From a purely strategic point of view, it's actually pretty brilliant. De-power Superman and then have him face the kind of thugs that give Batman trouble. Because if they can annoy Batman, they're perfectly capable of maiming 99 percent of non-powered individuals.

But Superman proves he's part of that tiny one percent that can handle himself without powers. And he does this while Batman keeps trying to take care of the situation himself. Whereas most are content to let Batman do what he does bast, Superman still seeks to help and he seeks to do it as Clark Kent and not Superman. It's one of those rare instances where the strength of Clark Kent and the strength of Superman are really one in the same. It is possible for him to save the day without having to move planets or bend the laws of physics. And unlike Batman, he does it in a way non-brooding, non-Christopher Nolan manner.

At no point in the struggle does Clark Kent show any fear or hesitation to participate in this battle. Even though he's as vulnerable as any unlucky tourist that ended up on the wrong side of downtown Detroit, he still carries himself with the strength of Superman. He does this even when Batman attempts to restrain him for his own safety. It's a very unfamiliar and pretty humorous take on Superman. It would be like Adam Sandler attending the Oscars.

Moments like this help highlight the unique dynamic between Batman and Superman. Usually it's Superman who has to do the heavy hitting in a struggle. This time Batman has to play that role and he plays it in a way that would make Christian Bale proud. But in the end, he still needs Superman's help to finish the job. And this is what leads to the most defining moment of this story.

It's not enough for Batman/Superman Annual #2 to explore Superman's strengths, even in the absence of his powers. There have been stories about that since the Great Depression. The main strength of this story comes from revealing Superman's greatest weakness and this time it doesn't involve a glowing green rock. Even though Batman and Superman win the main battle, the Phantom King still wins the war. He does this in a way that plays to one of Superman's most admirable traits. He trusts people.

It's not a weakness in and of itself. We all need to trust others to some degree. Even Ayan Rand had to trust that her books wouldn't become fodder for political attack ads, as misplaced as it may have been. But it's a weakness that's exposed in the worst possible way for Superman. It's a weakness that the Phantom King exploits at the perfect moment when it seems as though Superman once again proved that he can be Superman without his powers. It provides an ending that has just the right impact after a battle that struck just the right balance.

Like the final play of this year's Superbowl, Batman/Superman Annual #2 gave a thrilling ending that will thrill some and horrify others. And this time, it isn't just the city of Seattle that's horrified. The questions surrounding whether Superman can be who he is without his powers are all neatly answered. But the answer isn't as comfortable as some probably wish it were. At the end of the day, doing the right thing for the right reasons is a great power to have. But not being bulletproof means it's a lot easier for the wrong people to ruin your day.

Final Score: 10 out of 10

X-men Supreme Issue 118: Girls Night Out PREVIEW and Pic Update!

Since I started the X-men Supreme fanfiction series, I’ve done my best to balance the need to inject action and adventure into the story along with drama and character development. One of the qualities that makes X-men so compelling is how the more intimate moments with these characters are explored. They don’t always have to be fighting killer Sentinels, battle Magneto to save the world, or clash with Weapon X. It’s also important to highlight the personal growth of the X-men, especially after a major event.

X-men Supreme Volume 5: Dark Truths has thrown a lot of conflicts at the X-men so far. They’ve struggled to maintain a fragile treaty with Genosha, they fought Sinister in the once-hidden kingdom of Nova Roma, and they confronted Fantomex and the Weapon Plus program. They haven’t really had an opportunity to step back and remind themselves what it feels like to be human. That’s an important component of being X-men and I’ve had these share of moments in X-men Supreme. I’ve explored date nights between couples and downtime outside the Xavier Institute. Well now with the end of the Weapon Plus arc, I think the X-men have more than deserved a breather and I intend to give them that in X-men Supreme.

That’s not to say the lingering aftermath of Weapon Plus won’t be addressed. But before X-men Supreme enters another event, I’m going to let the X-men have a little fun. And to do that, the X-women are going to enjoy a badly needed girls night out. They’re going to set aside one night out of a week, hope that Sentinels don’t attack, and use it to enjoy themselves. It’s not a date night and it’s not a night where they have to save the world. They’re just going to be a group of young women enjoying themselves.

Even though X-men deal with many serious matters, there’s always room for a little fun. I feel as though X-men Supreme Volume 5: Dark Truths hasn’t had enough fun in it. There’s always room for humor and it doesn’t just have to happen in arcs involving Deadpool. I want this fanfiction series to be balanced. It can be both serious and entertaining and I think giving the X-women a night for themselves will help keep that balance. It’ll also have a few minor developments that will come into play later on in this fanfiction series so it’ll still carry plenty of weight. As always, I’ve prepared a a preview that gives a taste of the kind of night the X-women are in for.

“HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOO NEW YORK!” proclaimed a jubilant Betsy Braddock.

“We’re not even officially in the city yet and you’re already this excited?” teased Jean.

“Sorry luv. It’s been a while since I’ve had a night on the town, let alone a night in the Big Apple.”

“Did I say I disapproved?”

Spirits were high among the X-women. Betsy, Jean, Kitty, and Ororo were about to begin their excursion into New York City. Since an off night was so rare, they didn’t just drive into the city. They rented a limousine, courtesy of Professor Xavier’s credit card, to take chuffer them. They were just outside the downtown area when Betsy and Jean decided to greet the city by standing up through the sunroof. The cool winds along with the crisp evening air offered the promise of an exciting night.

Inside the limo, Kitty and Ororo were conserving their energy. Ororo was helping herself to some complimentary drinks. Even though these were her students and she was technically a chaperon, she carried herself as one of the girls. She even wore one of her favorite dresses, which had a leopard skinned pattern along with a very low cut skirt. Kitty’s dress was probably the most conservative, consisting of a nice blue petite that nicely augmented her figure. As the youngest, this was a rare opportunity for her to be a normal rowdy teenager.

“Guess we’re skipping a couple of steps. I feel like I should be going a bit crazier,” commented Kitty as she looked towards Jean and Betsy.

“Don’t get too ahead of yourself, Kitty. You’re still young. You’ll have plenty of opportunities for craziness,” said Ororo.

“I’m also an X-man, remember? How limited are those opportunities going to be? I’m not even old enough to drink.”

“You can still have fun without drinking, luv,” said Betsy as she and Jean slipped back into the limo, “Keep in mind you’ve got two telepaths by your side. If someone were to think your old enough, well that’s not entirely their fault now is it?”

“You better not be toying with me, Betsy,” grinned Kitty.

“Only to the extent that we tolerate underage drinking,” said Jean, “But the point of a girls night isn’t to get drunk. We’ve got shopping, restaurants, and all the Broadway shows the Professor’s credit card can afford. Let’s do our best to diversify on this rare night of freedom!”

“Speak for yourself,” said Betsy, “You and Kitty are both have handsome studs waiting for you back at the mansion. Me and Ororo are single so we have to mingle.”

“I’m not sure hooking up should be our top priority, Betsy,” said Ororo.

“Why not? Remy and I are over and you’ve moved on from Logan. Why not open our eyes (amongst other things) to some willing and able men? Hell, I would argue that you’re the one most in need of some studly male company!”

Ororo blushed profusely. The subject of her personal life hadn’t come up since she broke up with Logan. She was content to avoid relationships for a while, but that was quite a while ago. It certainly couldn’t hurt to be open to the idea, albeit in a more restrained manner than Betsy was implying.

“If you’re going to be that friendly tonight, remember some of the ground rules,” said Jean, “We’re not bringing anyone back to the mansion and no one is letting anyone pass out in a bedroom with some stranger.”

“You make it sound as though we’re throwing ourselves out there, Jean. I thought you had more respect for us than that,” said Betsy, pretending to sound appalled.

“I didn’t say male company wasn’t welcome,” said Jean, “If you or Miss Munroe find some action, we won’t stop you. But if anyone senses any funny business, don’t expect us to stand aside.”

“I hope it doesn’t come to that, Jean. We don’t need our off night becoming a search-and-rescue mission,” said Ororo.

“If it’s all the same to you guys, I’m hoping to avoid that stuff tonight,” said Kitty, “It seems we already get way too much of that.”

“This coming from a girl who’s dating a tall, handsome Russian farm boy?” made Betsy, “That’s a surprise…unless there’s some drama already.”

“Like I said, I’d like to avoid that tonight. So how about we have a few more drinks before we hit the high end shopping district?”

“Works for me,” shrugged Jean.

Kitty’s insistence on avoiding relationship talk was a bit telling, but not enough to belabor. If it was serious, she wouldn’t be so eager to get this night going. With that in mind Jean used her telekinesis to levitate a few glasses from the complimentary cooler. She showed off some psychic skill, pouring a small helping of champagne as she guided it to each girl.

“We’ve got another twenty minutes before we begin our assault on the Big Apple. So let’s squeeze in one quick toast,” said Jean as she grabbed her glass.

“Assault, Jean? You’ve been picking up on way too many of Scott’s quirks,” commented Betsy.

“Call it whatever you want, Betsy. As far as I’m concerned, this is every bit as serious as a mission. We may be X-men, but these are the kinds of nights that remind us that we’re still human. As such, humans need a little fun in their lives. It keeps us grounded and makes us better at everything we do. So I propose this toast in the spirit of our humanity. May this girl’s night out make us better heroes!”

“Better heroes…I can drink to that,” said Ororo with a smile.

“Me too!” agreed Kitty.

The four X-women tipped their classes and gulped down their drinks. The limo entered the city limits, officially beginning of their night out. For once, there would be no concerns over missions, politics, living weapons, or anything of the sort. They were just four young women out to have a good time.

In addition, I have another quick update to the pics section. My good friend, Mack, has submitted another wonderful piece for X-men Supreme Issue 68: The Phoenix Saga Part 6. It's another testament to the emotion of that story and one I think he captured wonderfully. Thanks again, Mack!

X-men Supreme Official Panels

These intimate moments between the X-men will help add some extra depth before X-men Supreme Volume 5: Dark Truths enters the home stretch. The end is in sight and it might end up being the conclusion of this fanfiction series. I still haven’t decided, but I do have plenty to explore with these characters in future volumes of X-men Supreme. And I want to keep those characters sharp and compelling. That’s why it’s so important that readers take the time to provide feedback. Please post your comments directly in the issues or contact me directly. Either way is fine. Any kind of feedback helps inspire me to make this fanfiction series more awesome. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #3

Every now and then, I go to a movie that I don’t understand or Google just to see if I can keep up. I guess I like to keep my fucked up tastes refined to some extent. Sometimes I find something really awesome. That’s how I saw the Matrix for the first time. That and a buddy of mine watched it stoned and swore it was the best thing ever, but that’s another story. But more often than not, I get halfway through the movie and wondering out loud, “Where the fuck is this going and why the fuck didn’t I sneak more beer in here?” Sometimes that gets me thrown out, but other times that makes a few new friends. That’s sort of how I feel about Uncanny Avengers right now.

This new series that spun out of the events of AXIS has been more chaotic than a field trip of pre-schoolers to a candy factory. It had a simple premise. The Maximoff twins wanted to hunt down the High Evolutionary to learn about who their real father was. It didn’t take too long for someone get drunk and drive completely off-road because it’s been tumbling and stumbling like a drunk who just stole a motorcycle. It’s still somewhat coherent, but it’s not very concise. I want to give it a chance to do something meaningful, but it’s getting to the point where even a lazy traffic cop would pull it over. I’m still going to give Uncanny Avengers #3 a fair shot, but I’m keeping my fucking seat belt on.

I probably should’ve worn looser pants as well because this issue involves what I can only describe as robot sex. And no, I’m not talking about the kind that involves the Terminator porn parody. Like everyone else in the Uncanny Avengers, Vision got separated from the team. But luckily for him, he ended up with a hot sexy robot version of himself. I guess it was love at first interface because they start hooking up in ways that I’m sure other robots would jerk off to if they had the right equipment. Vision describes it using romantic language that would give lonely housewives a pussy boner. I’m not sure if Marvel is trying to cash in on the 50 Shades of Grey crowd, but it’s a bit late to the party.

That’s not to say there’s more to this than inducing pussy boners. Vision has apparently completely forgotten about the team’s mission and the former lover he came to Counter-Earth to save. Now he’s busy making cute robot babies for the High Evolutionary. Never one to pass up a new potential life form, the High Evolutionary shrugs off the fact that Vision kept this from him and is probably in the process of screwing him over. But he got some robot poon out of it so he wins either way. It’s really not clear what this scene is intended to do other than appeal to those with a robot fetish. I won’t say it succeeds, but I can’t say it fails either.

The unanswered questions with Vision continue with more unanswered questions regarding Rogue. She’s still being kept prisoner by some creep old guy obsessed with her powers. He apparently thinks that her powers and sexy southern accent will help create the ultimate soldier. I’m not sure I get that logic unless all life has an inherent weakness for sexy southern accents and last I checked, the South lost the Civil War so I’m not buying it. All this creepy old guy does is keep Rogue from doing anything meaningful.

Between Vision shrugging off his old team in favor of a hot robot woman and Rogue being rendered useless by some creepy guy who looks like a vulture fucked a priest, there really isn’t much to go on here. The unanswered questions only help continue the overly choppy narrative that has plagued this series from the beginning. I get that the team got split up, but how the fuck is this supposed to move the story forward? If someone with ADHD read this, they would probably worry about upping their meds.

That’s not to say there isn’t a meaningful story to tell here. It’s just that pretty much every character in the Uncanny Avengers doesn’t do jack shit to advance it. The only ones who do help move it forward are Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. Since they’re the ones that triggered this shit storm by going to Counter-Earth in the first place, that’s both understandable and appropriate. And they do actually uncover something meaningful.

After the High Evolutionary flexed his genocidal rage-boner, the Maximoff twins track down some of the creations that managed to escape his wrath. With help from a new ally who goes by the Low Evolutionary, he leads them to a refugee area where the High Evolutionary’s failures live like homeless crack addicts in downtown Detroit. It’s a sad sight, but one the Maximoff twins are familiar with so it strikes the right emotional chord. It gives them even more incentive to beat the answers about their parents out of the High Evolutionary, amongst other things.

As for the Low Evolutionary himself, he’s somewhat intriguing. However, he’s still poorly developed. He’s basically the High Evolutionary’s son who decided not to be the same dick-cheese as his father. He’s basically Eminem, minus the music. He doesn’t have his father’s charisma, brilliance, or respect. But he does have an incentive to help Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch so that makes him relevant. It just doesn’t make him much more than that. He wants to attack his father and channel his inner Luke Skywalker. Bug given what the High Evolutionary has shown thus far, he’ll probably lose more than a hand.

The Low Evolutionary still ends up contributing way more than the Uncanny Avengers, which is pretty fucking pathetic. Even so, it puts Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch on the right track. They just have to help the Low Evolutionary piss off his father, which isn’t as hard as it sounds. They’re tasked with taking out the High Evolutionary’s new tracking mechanism that’s being used to hunt them down. They’ve been pissing off authority figures for most of their existence. This should come naturally do them.

As they go about this mission, there is some discussion about Magneto and their family history. It’s still very light and very under-developed. The emotions surrounding this huge revelation about who they are and where they came from are basically shrugged off. They shrug it off the same way Snooki shrugs off an anal wart. I get that there’s an ongoing conflict involving the High Evolutionary and a bunch of innocent beings he’s trying to slaughter, but glossing over this part of the story is like glossing over Pamela Anderson’s tits in a photo shoot.

Callousness aside, Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch do eventually find what they’re looking for. That tracking mechanism the Low Evolutionary mentioned is actually pretty familiar. It’s Sabretooth, who the High Evolutionary decided to mind-fuck into working for him. The saddest part is this is probably the most anyone in the Uncanny Avengers actually contributes to the story. That’s not saying much because Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch make quick work of him. He’s Sabretooth. He’s been getting his ass kicked by X-men and others like the X-men since the Reagan Administration. It still hasn’t gotten old though so I won’t deny I enjoyed it.

However, the next challenge they face is a lot trickier than pwning Wolverine’s old scratching post. Her name is Luminous and she was revealed in the last issue to be Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch’s long lost sibling. She’s got Quicksilver’s hair, the Scarlet Witch’s rack, and the High Evolutionary’s douche-bag attitude. Overall, that’s makes her a pretty daunting threat and she proves it.

She ends up being the most entertaining part of this issue with how she takes down Quicksilver and looks downright bored while doing it. He’s fast, but she’s able to counter him with some speed of her own. She barely even moves from where she’s standing. She just lets Quicksilver make an ass of himself and lets her fist do the rest. As much as I enjoy watching Sabretooth get his ass kicked, I admit I enjoy seeing Quicksilver get his ass kicked almost as much.

The battle against the Scarlet Witch is much more volatile. There’s a lot of firepower involved, but it’s the kind that stoners everywhere will appreciate. Luminous demonstrates that like the Scarlet Witch, she can wield chaos magic as well. But unlike the Scarlet Witch, she can actually control it in a way that won’t lead to mass genocide or inversions. I’m almost conflicted on who to root for because the Scarlet Witch has done a lot of bad shit over the past decade and somehow nobody really blames her for it. She’s not Quicksilver or Sabretooth, but I admit she’s due an ass-kicking and that’s what Luminous gives her.

The action here is fairly solid and I haven’t been able to say that very much about this series since it began. It’s been so choppy and disorganized that there hasn’t been many enjoyable battles that aren’t horribly one-sided and/or involve the High Evolutionary committing mass genocide. It still feels disorganized in that only the Maximoff twins get to do anything relevant. That doesn’t make the battle against Luminous any less solid. It’s probably the most enjoyable battle this series has offered to date, which isn’t saying much.

After the Maximoff twins are defeated, Luminous casually traps Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch so she can take them to the High Evolutionary. She even hints that he’s their real father. She also hints that the truth will destroy them. But then again, that could be subject to retcons as well. The only thing to take away from this moment is that Luminous is really badass and she’s got an awesome rack. She would’ve made an excellent bond girl in Goldfinger. Given how little effort she needed to take down the Maximoff twins, I don’t think James Bond’s dick would stand a chance.

And while Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch are enjoying this family reunion with their sister, they fail to notice that Sabretooth recovered enough to do his job. He was then able to track down the Low Evolutionary’s headquarters like a good, obedient pet that only occasionally makes a mess on the carpet. So now the High Evolutionary has neutralized the Maximoff twins and he knows where to find what’s left of his failed experiments. By all accounts, he’s doing pretty damn good. He sends out his hit team to finish the job so he can prepare to make the Maximoff twins more miserable than they already are. Even if every other character has it rough in this series, it’s safe to say the High Evolutionary is really enjoying himself.

This series was already playing with a bad hand before it even began. The whole concept of retconning Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch’s lineage already kicked a shit storm whose stench this series could not escape. That alone made it hard to enjoy. But it sure as shit doesn’t help when the narrative remains disorganized and choppy. There are more than one sub-plots unfolding and only one of them gets any meaningful development. Granted, that development leads to a pretty meaningful battle that offers some tantalizing hints at what the Maximoff Twins are up against. But that’s really all it offers.

I guess the best thing this issue can offer is it didn’t make any of its lingering flaws any worse. Sure, that’s like saying someone didn’t shoot themselves more times than they already had, but it’s still a flawed and uneven narrative. It just isn’t any worse than it was before. There’s still a story worth telling here, but that story is slow as fuck and most of the characters in the Uncanny Avengers aren’t contributing jack shit to it. I won’t say this series did anything overly egregious. I won’t deny the battle between the Maximoff twins and their long lost sister wasn’t good. It just wasn’t much better than that. I give Uncanny Avengers #3 a 6 out of 10. It’s good, but it’s starting to drag. If someone doesn’t do something meaningful, they should just sit on the bench or run for Congress. That way everybody will be more comfortable. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #12

If Murphy’s Law had actually been passed by a real politician, I’m confident that said politician would have been tarred, feathered, and forced to listen to every One Direction song until the end of time. It’s one of those laws that can’t be bribed or stashed away in the glove box like a bunch of unpaid parking tickets, some of which go back to the Bush administration. If something truly can go wrong, the universe will make it happen like a horny meth head trying to fuck a banana peel. It may take some creativity and some lube, but it’ll happen.

For the X-men, Murphy’s Law has an amendment regarding cosmic power on the level Phoenix Force. That amendment basically states that if anyone gets drunk on cosmic power, especially if that someone’s name is Jean Grey, bad shit is going to happen. It’s like giving Mel Gibson truth serum, a recorder, and a book of famous Jewish men. It’s not going to end well. The Black Vortex isn’t quite the same as the Phoenix Force, but it has the potential to be the light beer version of it. The X-men, the Guardians of the Galaxy, and the Starjammers are trying to stop too many people from going on a bender. In Cyclops #12, someone throws a few tequila shooters into the mix to test this amended version of Murphy’s Law. It may or may not end in a total cosmic shit storm, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be entertaining as fuck.

And when it comes to entertainment, how could a prison break involving pirates not be entertaining? Seriously, Joel Shumacher would have to come out of retirement to make something like that seem awful. This is exactly what O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot need. They ended up getting captured by Mr. Knife while helping the rest of the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy escape Spartax. And since Mr. Knife is about as welcoming as Tom Cruise at a convention of psychiatrists, they definitely need to be rescued. They can’t expect to stay in one piece for very long for a guy who probably jerks off to thoughts of torturing his son.

O5 Cyclops even fantasizes about the kind of rescue operation that his father would have to carry out to save him. It’s so vivid and specific that we don’t immediately know it isn’t happening and probably wouldn’t know if previous issues hadn’t already shown Corsair getting the Jurassic Park treatment in amber. But even if it isn’t real, it shows that O5 Cyclops has become pretty adept at thinking like a badass space pirate. And this kid is only 16. Most 16-year-olds these days are thinking about Jennifer Lawrence naked in a tub of chocolate pudding. O5 Cyclops knows how to make good use of his thoughts and unlike the Michael Jackson’s of the world, he has good reason to trust his father. It’s a big part of what has made this series so enjoyable.

Unfortunately, like a bad hangover coupled with a surprise visit from the IRS, O5 Cyclops gets a slap in the face from reality. And unlike most immature teenagers, he accepts it. He senses something is wrong because his father hasn’t shown up to pull off another one of his badass rescues. It’s not entirely inaccurate either, but his concern still feels genuine. This isn’t the callous, bitter adult Cyclops who probably misses seeing Emma Frost naked. This is a young, uncorrupted Cyclops who has come to appreciate his father’s skills while learning that he doesn’t have to be a total dick to get the job done. It even almost got him some alien pussy so it has to be genuine.

Unlike his experience with Captain Malafect, O5 Cyclops doesn’t have to endure this crap alone. He has O5 Iceman and Groot to keep him company. And also unlike his adult form, O5 Iceman hasn’t been corrupted by whatever powerful forces made his adult self such a douche-bag. He doesn’t bust O5 Cyclpos’ balls for shit he did or might do in the future. He just tries to be a good friend like he used to be when he was the kind of guy I didn’t want to punch in the jaw. It’s another one of those more innocent elements that adds sincerity to this moment. But it also shows just how fucked they are as prisoners of Mr. Knife.

They don’t stay fucked though. Unlike O5 Iceman, O5 Cyclops did spend a lot of time learning to be a badass space pirate. That means if his father can’t come to rescue him, then he’ll do it himself. And he’ll do it without the promise that Emma Frost or Jean Grey will reward him with lingerie and flavored lube. That in and of itself should demonstrate how awesome O5 Cyclops can be.

What he does would make Jack Sparrow and Captain Kirk both proud and confused. Somehow, he’s able to use his optic blasts to activate a fingerprint scanner. It sounds a bit too much like Batman’s shark repellant and it is. I don’t remember Corsair ever teaching him shit like this, but it definitely feels like something a pirate would do, as contrived it may be.

The only problem is that escaping didn’t even partially unfuck their situation. They’re still on a ship surrounded by mercenaries hired by Mr. Knife. That’s like sobering up while still in the middle of a bar fight. It doesn’t necessarily give them an advantage. It even has the potential to make them even more fucked.

Since they can’t expect Mr. Knife to treat escaped prisoners any better than he treats his outlaw son, they fight. And by that I mean they run. I know Captain Kirk would’ve probably fought, but he probably would’ve been killed too or made useless to all sexy alien women for the rest of his life. There are times to fight and times to run and this one doesn’t leave much wiggle room.

So they run and they eventually find the Black Vortex. This isn’t as contrived as it sounds. In a previous issue, the Slaughter Lords did retrieve the Black Vortex for Mr. Knife. So it does fit the overall narrative. But the fact that it’s not locked up in a safe guarded by an army of Chuck Norris clones is a bit confusing. Maybe Mr. Knife just too cheap to splurge on a vault or something. I guess if the Death Star can be destroyed by one shitty thermal exhaust port, Mr. Knife can be cheap.

But finding the Black Vortex presents O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot with a tough dilemma. They’re surrounded in a ship of Mr. Knife’s ruthless mercenaries and they quickly end up trapped. They’re not going to fight their way out of this shit. The only chance they have of surviving is to give into the Black Vortex. O5 Iceman is all for it, but O5 Cyclops is understandably reluctant. He still remembers how cosmic power fucked up Jean Grey and led him to killing Professor Xavier. It’s another moment of sincere conflict and the fact he hesitates shows that learning about his adult self has affected him in a meaningful way. He’s trying to not be that guy and getting drunk on cosmic power certainly can’t help in that effort.

As time starts to become a factor, he gets what he believes to be a telepathic message, courtesy of O5 Jean Grey. I guess this is her way of making up for O5 Beast cock-blocking him earlier. This allows him to get a heartfelt message from Corsair, who tells him what has already been made painfully apparent over the course of this series. O5 Cyclops is not like his adult self. He’s shown that he can do the right thing for the right reasons. He doesn’t have to be a ticking time bomb waiting to kill Charles Xavier or jump into bed with Emma Frost the first chance he gets. He can be something better and his father trusts him to be that man.

Because of this trust, O5 Cyclops decides to take a big chance at pissing off karma again and submits to the Black Vortex. It’s a powerful moment in that he does this in a very different set of circumstances compared to his older self or Jean Grey. He didn’t have this power thrust on him. Tony Stark didn’t shoot it at him with a big ass gun. He chose to embrace this power and intends to use it for the right reasons. That may still fly in the face of the whole concept of power corrupting, but that shit is a lot less meaningful when surrounded by Mr. Knife’s thugs.

So once again, Cyclops is imbued with cosmic power. O5 Iceman and Groot get it too. And with this power, the fight becomes about as fair as a cage fight between Andre the Giant and Justin Bieber. It makes for a beautifully potent moment where the three of them paint the walls with the humiliation of Mr. Knife’s thugs. And this time, Cyclops’ cosmic costume isn’t a complete rip-off of Red Robin. So DC’s lawyers can put their dicks back in their pants.

There’s no cosmic rage. No planets start burning and nobody starts blaming O5 Cyclops for launching an attack on Wakanda. They remain in control and badass. The only thing that doesn’t work is O5 Iceman’s cosmic form. Seriously, he looks like a frost giant fucked Orlando Bloom. It is by far the least imposing cosmic form he could possibly have. I guess this is the universe’s way of telling him his adult self is a total douche.

Armed with this power, they fight their way out of Mr. Knife’s fortress and make sure they take the Black Vortex with them. They are now feeling pretty damn good about themselves. They can finally let their cosmic nuts hang a little. They don’t get to hang for very long though. They end up running right into a battle between the X-men, the Guadians of the Galaxy, Nova, and the Slaughter Lords. I still think it’s an upgrade compared to being in the same ship as Mr. Knife, but not by much. This also helps link this issue up with the events of the others because the other cosmic-enhanced friends also realized that it was in everybody’s interest to keep the Black Vortex away from Mr. Knife and the Slaughter Lords. It shouldn’t take cosmic power to realize that, but I try not to hold that against them. Mr. Knife is just that big a douche.

O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot immediately try to help their friends. But O5 Cyclops is more concerned with contacting his dad again. He fails and even loses track of the Black Vortex at one point. Captain Marvel ends up saving his ass, saying she and the others have plans for dealing with this thing. They just have to get through the Slaughter Lords first.

Captain Marvel even gives O5 Cyclops more incentive by revealing that Mr. Knife had Thane encase the entire planet Spartax in amber and that includes his father. So right now, she doesn’t know if his father is alive or dead. But he is in a shitty situation that can become a lot shittier if Mr. Knife gets his hands on the Black Vortex.

It makes for one last emotional moment that helps sum up all the emotions that this series has explored. First, O5 Cyclops finds out that the telepathic message he got from his father earlier wasn’t actually a message. It was just his own mind creating the message for him. But for once, a voice in his head isn’t a sign that he’s going crazy or letting Emma Frost fuck with him again. It shows just how big an influence Corsair has had on him.

Spending time with his father has helped O5 Cyclops understand the man he ended up becoming. It also helped him understand the kind of man he has to be if he doesn’t want to become the asshole that Wolverine badly wants to stab. In the end, he realizes that he doesn’t have to become this morally gray asshole that bases his decisions on how much it’ll piss off the Norman Osbornes of the world. He can just do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing.

It’s a perfect way to sum up the journey he’s taken since joining his father. He’s rediscovered what it means to be the kind of Scott Summers that people don’t want to stab repeatedly. He can still be that lovable boy scout that he is at heart. He doesn’t have to be corrupted by all the crazy shit that happens to him. He can take all these skills and powers and use them to save the world. If anyone not named Wolverine can still hate him after that, then they’re just assholes.

Reading this issue was bittersweet and not just because it was another quality insight into the mind of a teenage Cyclops. Ever since this series began, it has succeeded way beyond a typical father/son getaway. At a time when legions of fans are bitching and whining about Cyclops’ character on every comic book message board in existence, this series helped remind everybody why Cyclops was such a great character to begin with. And more than anything else, this young version of Cyclops proves that his older self really did lose his way. And O5 Cyclops can still get the job done without becoming Emma Frost’s personal gigolo.

In addition to being bittersweet, this issue also did a great job maintaining the tone of the series while effectively tying it into the events of the Black Vortex. It effectively incorporates the events of O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot’s imprisonment with the events that unfolded in other issues. It wasn’t completely seamless, but it was effective in every meaningful way. It adds detail and depth to a story that has already offered plenty. It also adds a fitting cap to help give O5 Cyclops some perspective on the journey he’s had since this series began. It’s fun, heartfelt, and meaningful. And that’s something that Cyclops just hasn’t had since he first learned how clones fuck everything up. Cyclops #12 gets a well-deserved, albeit solemn 9 out of 10. I want to give it a perfect score, but I just can’t reward how goofy a cosmic-powered Iceman looks.

On a final note, I know Cyclops fans are in a strange place right now, bitching and moaning about how he’s handled the Last Will of Charles Xavier and AXIS. But please, my fellow nerd-rage addicts, take a moment to appreciate what this series has given us. This is a kind, caring, lovable Cyclops that doesn’t get overly drunk on cosmic power. He’s the kind of guy we don’t mind hooking up with the Jean Greys and Emma Frosts of the world. Please, for those not overly hardened by internet trolls, appreciate that and cherish this series for what it is. Nuff said!