Wolverine and the X-men #4 - A Typical Day of Awesome

A typical day of school is like a traditional bout of diarrhea. No matter how much you may be used to it, you still despise the experience and you're left with a burning asshole at the end of it. Or maybe that's just what I get for coming to school drunk and stumbling into the girl's bathroom. So when a comic book comes along with the central premise of young misfit kids going to school, it has about as much appeal as sticking one's penis in a toaster while drunk (I can't be the only one). However, this isn't just any comic book. This is Wolverine and the X-men by Jason Aaron, one of the best things Marvel has invented since Emma Frost's tits. This may be the best and only chance that a day of school doesn't come off as painful as untreated rectal cancer.

Wolverine and the X-men has not only established itself as one of Marvel's best new titles. It's established itself as an X-book with a very different feel from the always dire and constant extinction threats so typical of X-books. The first arc introduced the Jean Grey Institute for Higher Learning and told a fun story about young mutants adjusting to a new school and homicidal kids trying to destroy that school with a living island. For once, I don't even have to make a joke about that or use a lame metaphor. That's actually what happened and you know what? It was pretty fucking awesome. It wasn't just a good story. It was fun, light-hearted, and hopeful. It actually made readers have faith in the future. In this day and age, that's a pretty novel concept. There are enough comics on the market that require a Prozac prescription to enjoy. It's refreshing to have a book that makes you smile without having to use the pages to roll a joint.

Wolverine and the X-men #4 continues the early growing pains of the Jean Grey Institute. The school was just attacked, damaged, and repaired. The students were likely scarred for life, but no worse than they would be if they went to a public school in Baltimore. It begins with Wolverine doing some narrations that describe how fucked up his job is. By day he's a mild mannered school headmaster. By night he's a ruthless killer with a drinking problem. It's like Superman if he was a crackhead. But some of those activities involve his work with X-Force and as was demonstrated by the end of the Dark Angel Saga (a saga you should have read and jerked off to several times by now) his night life is now affecting his day job. His staff are all understandably restless, but Wolverine isn't done making them wish they had dropped out. 

Once again, X-men Regenesis has helped some books mesh with others. It's the kind of coherence you don't usually get even while sober. But it's like the hot sauce of comics. It makes everything taste better. Remember those activities I mentioned with Wolverine and X-Force? Well one of them led to a young, pre-tyrant Apocalypse. Only now he calls himself Genesis. Rather than surround Genesis with the gritty world of secret mutant kill squads, Wolverine decides to enroll him in school. I honestly think he's better off with the kill squads because pretty much everyone seems to notice how he looks. Not many have lips like his that look like someone shot Stephen Tyler with bee venom and got him stoned. Needless to say, the others aren't too welcoming and that's probably not a good thing for an aspiring tyrant.

But Genesis isn't the only relic from Wolverine's late-night debacles with X-Force. At the end of the Dark Angel Saga, Warren emerged completely changed. He wasn't Arcangel anymore, but he wasn't Warren Worthington III either. He's completely amnesic and has no memory of who he was. So he looks in the mirror, sees that he has wings, and makes the perfectly logical conclusion that he's a real angel. I personally would have assumed that I just took a bad hit of LSD, but I guess angel works just as well. It's not enough to just look the part for him either. He has to act the part as well. So he flies off and finds a father and two kids who just went through the traumatic experience of burying a pet dog. Warren digs him up and offers to bring him back. Not only are the kids not very enthusiastic about this, but I'm pretty sure they'll need therapy for the rest of their natural lives.

But these are just the regular antics of new students in a new school. My old school didn't have angels and teenage tyrants, but if an angel or a kid that looked like Genesis showed up it wouldn't gain nearly as much attention as what the seniors did to the incoming freshmen, which usually involved crazy glue and thumb tacks. For this new school, Jason Aaron takes some time off from making shit blow up and homicidal kids and actually depicts a lecture with the students at the Jean Grey Institute. He even brings in yet another relic of Uncanny X-Force in Deathlok. He's only about as intimidating as my 10th-grade algebra teacher and he gives the students a lecture about the future. Since the X-men deal with the future (sometimes literally) on a regular basis, it's not an unreasonable thing to educate the kids about.

This may not be as exciting as seeing the X-men take on an army of Frankenstein monsters or a living island like they did in the first arc, but it has some real relevance here. It offers insight into what life is like in the Jean Grey Institute. Now the shallow douche-bags of comic fandom may thumb their nose at that, but stuff like this helps add depth to the X-men because it shows just what they're doing on a non-heroic basis to make the world better. I agree. Fighting monsters is more exciting, but it helps when there's reason behind why they need to kick the asses of said monsters. Deathlok goes through the class and tells them the odds of them going one path or the other. It gets to the heart of what Wolverine wanted for this school, which was means for mutants to be themselves and not listen to aspire to be Cyclops's bitch.

It's not without drama though. It's worth noting that not everyone seems to know of all the shit that went down during the Dark Angel Saga. Iceman, who established himself as one of Wolverine's most trusted X-men, is among them. He's also one of Warren's oldest friends. So when he finds out that Warren flew off to mentally scar a family, he gets understandably upset. He doesn't offer to pay the therapist bills for the kids, but he does get Warren away from them and finds out that Warren has no idea who he is or who the X-men are. For any number of reasons, this upsets him because it shows that despite being one of the Original Five he hasn't exactly been kept in the loop. Now he probably regrets wasting time on snowmen and internet porn.

It's not the only dramatic moment in the issue. While Deathlok is revealing the potential futures for some students, he hesitates to predict the future for Genesis. When he's confronted, we get a brief flash-forward of a potential future that involves Deathlok being burnt to a crisp and Idie being a mature, very boneable leader. That future also shows that going to school didn't stop Genesis from becoming the Apocalypse that gets a boner every time someone inflicts mass genocide.

This is somewhat of an odd scene because it's not entirely clear if this is a real Days of Futures Past type future or just something Deathlok is conjuring. It may certainly rub some readers the wrong way to see Kid Omega and Idie coddling under Genesis's wrath. It doesn't help that Kid Omega seems to have the emblem of the Phoenix Force on his costume, this before the events of Avengers vs. X-men are resolved. Given all the alternate futures in Marvel, this just seems excessive and cliched. However, it does send a message. Genesis still has the potential to be dangerous and school won't exactly help. Again, a kill squad sounds like a viable alternative here.

In many ways, Genesis's potential future and Warren's new state are a microcosm of what the Jean Grey Institute is facing. Not everybody is okay with it. Iceman confronts Wolverine about it and makes his anger about Warren painfully apparent. He doesn't seem to care that Wolverine was keeping X-Force alive. He only cares that doing so seemed to have mind-fucked his friend. Wolverine doesn't mince words. He explains both in words and in narration that the school is about hope and nourishing vulnerable minds before they become genocidal tyrants. He reveals that Warren has been enrolled in the school. Never mind that Warren has to be older than the rest of the student body. Hell, he was banging Psylocke in Uncanny X-Force and it's really not clear if Psylocke is like those teachers that can't help but bone their students. It's almost as if Warren was de-aged. Jason Aaron doesn't offer any explanation to this and it would be nice if he did, but the point of this conclusion is to show what the Jean Grey Institute represents and in that respect he succeeds. And wouldn't you know it? He does it without blowing shit up.

Once Wolverine is done with his little monologue, everything ends on a fairly upbeat note. But Jason Aaron just seems more impatient than a crackhead in withdraw and offers a preview into the next storyline. It starts with Kitty Pryde being sick and throwing up during class. Usually that's just the result of someone who couldn't sleep off a hangover, but this is something more serious. When Kitty stumbles into the bathroom, she makes a shocking discovery. Apparently, she didn't have a note on her panties that said "don't be a fool, wrap your tool." She also appears to have miracle grow in her uterus because she's pregnant. I now leave the readers for a moment of silence to mourn the eventual destruction of Kitty's snatch.

So an ending full of hope turns into a scene from Species. Now someone getting pregnant in school is nothing new. We live in a country where 15-year-olds get knocked up in locker rooms all the time. What makes Wolverine and the X-men an awesome book is how it presents these issues. It's not done in a dire, world-ending sort of manner. There's conflict, but there's hope. There are assholes, but there is heart. Wolverine and Deathlok both come off as assholes in this issue at times, but it's always balanced with a genuine desire to make this school work. That's the main theme of this issue. It shows the day-to-day bullshit that the X-men have to deal with in order to function. It takes time from islands that want to devour schools and shows just how this new school functions. It also sets up a pretty fucked up story after and one that is sure to require the world's greatest gynecologist when all is said and done.

The only area that may turn some readers off is the tone of the issue. It's organized like one big setup. Some may not appreciate that Jason Aaron is trying to slow down here and show how the Jean Grey Institute functions on a logistical level. Some just like it when shit blows up. They may or may not be future NASCAR fans, but they may have a point on some levels. This issue mostly set up plots for the future. It established Genesis as a new character with an uncertain status. It established Warren as someone whose mind has been fried, frozen, and reheated. It also established that Kitty Pryde may or may have some kinky tastes that would make great Japanese anime porn. But it didn't do much with any of this. And some may not like the tone of Deathlok's vision of the future. In the end this issue is like an extended trailer for an action movie, but without shitty 80s rock music in the background.

I can't fault Jason Aaron for easing into the next arc. Kieron Gillen did the same thing with Uncanny X-men, although one could argue that he did it in a better way. This issue does a great job of exploring the less obvious aspects of the Jean Grey Institute. Aaron's style is as engaging, enjoyable, and fun as ever. It just lacks the same impact that Kieron Gillen gave Uncanny X-men #4. That's not a criticism. Not everyone can raise the bar, less the air grow too thin and everyone suffocates. Wolverine and the X-men #4 is a worthy and entertaining addition to this amazing series. That's why I give it a 4.5 out of 5. It's almost awesome enough to ease the childhood trauma of my own school experience. Almost being the operative word. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue 45: Hearts and Minds PREVIEW and Art Update

The first issue of X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope was a resounding success. Thank you everyone for your support and generous feedback! The first issue is always the hardest in a new volume. This fanfiction series continues to move forward, following many of the same themes as was demonstrated in Issue 44: Discrimination. The X-men have always been linked to social issues like discrimination and prejudice. I'll be expanding on this in the next issue and throughout X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope. I don't just want to tell stories about the X-men as superheroes. I want to show how they can be a real social force. So with that in mind, I've prepared an extended preview of what you can expect.

“Have you picked up any scents, Wolverine?” asked Storm.

“Down here, it’s pretty damn hard not too,” he snarled, “I’m guessin’ we’re under some burger joints and they just had a special.”

“Please Herr Logan! Do not go into detail!” said Nightcrawler, clutching his abdominal, “I don’t zhink my stomach can take it!”

“Relax Elf, that ain’t all I smell,” said the feral mutant as he came up to a T-junction in the pipes, “Someone else walked through this same pipe. Whoever they were they got that unforgettable Morlock aroma!”

“How many are there? Can you tell?” asked Cyclops.

Logan moved ahead further, sniffing the air more thoroughly as he did.

“I ain’t sure, but there’s more than a few,” he said, “A few are familiar. But there’s one other that smells…different.”

“Different how?” asked Gambit anxiously, “Different ‘round us ain’t ever a good thing.”

“Just because I smell them doesn’t mean I know their life story, bub!” said Wolverine in annoyance, “But I know the nose never lies! Something stinks here and it ain’t the freakin’ sewage!”

“Then let’s find it before we have to learn the hard way,” urged Storm, holding the feral mutant back from further outbursts, “Here, I’ll get the air moving. It should help you follow the trail.”

“Thanks darlin’. Just go easy on the gale force winds. We don’t want our mystery guest giving us the slip before we ‘introduce’ ourselves,” said Wolverine menacingly.

“I’ll be careful,” she assured him.

That was good enough for Wolverine. He let Storm kick up some wind to get the scent trail moving. With the others lighting the way with flashlights, the two of them took lead and led them through the maze of pipes. Storm looked a lot calmer than she did last time they were in the sewers. Her claustrophobia seemed to do better in the more open spaces of the Philadelphia sewers. Sticking close to Wolverine also seemed to help for whatever reason. A few even took notice.

“Is it just Remy or do Stormy and Wolverine seem a little…closer,” said Gambit under his breath.

“Yeah, Ah noticed that too,” said Rogue silently, “You think they shacked up or something?”

“Don’t know. Stormy ain’t said nothing and she usually tells Remy about these things,” he said.

“Doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened.”

“Or they just be beating around the bush,” said Gambit as he carefully observed them, “Either way, Remy ain’t sure he likes it. I can’t imagine see a femme like Stormy going for a guy like Wolverine.”

“You’re one to talk, Cajun. She went for you, didn’t she?” quipped Rogue.

“That be different. Remy ain’t Logan. Only Logan be Logan. Take a homme like that and a femme like Storm and put them together, what do you get? Remy don’t know, but Remy ain’t sure.”

Rogue pondered that for a moment. She didn’t know Storm nearly as well as Gambit. To her she was the caring yet demanding teacher that always reached out to her students. The idea of her with someone like Wolverine did seem a bit out of place, considering the personalities of the other men she dated. She could say the same for Wolverine. She could see why he dated Jean, who was more outgoing and playful. Storm seemed too serious for him. But then again, stranger things had happened in the team.

“Ah don’t know either,” said Rogue, “What do you think, Kurt?”

“I’ll give you my input vhen my insides stops churning,” groaned Nightcrawler, “Can ve just get on vith zhis so ve can get out of here?”

“Seriously, homme, you gotta watch that diet of yours,” snickered Gambit.

Nightcrawler gave the Cajun a bemused look. He was not in the mood to argue anything having to do with food or ongoing dramas between their instructors. His only inclination was to find these rogue Morlocks and get out of here.

“Keep up you guys!” Cyclops called out from just up ahead as Wolverine and Storm started moving faster, “It looks like we’re closing in on something.”

“Finally! My stomach is grateful,” said an anxious Nightcrawler.

Wolverine was really onto something now. He was moving with that intensity he always got whenever he picked up on strong scent. That meant it had to be close. The team set aside their revulsion of being in a sewer and prepared themselves to strike the moment something came up. Professor Xavier had been adamant. They were to stop whatever this rogue Morlock planned before it caused a major scene.

They followed Logan towards a more open part of the sewer, most likely an area below an intersection. They noticed this part of the sewer was a lot older than the ones they entered in. The walls were lined with brick, which was thick with fungus and mold. The pipes were also a lot more rusted and leaking all around. It must mean they were in the historical district of the city, which just happened to be where Senator Kelly was giving his speech. Wolverine slowed his pursuit, stopping just before a junction towards three pipes. The scent was directing him down the central pipe.

“We got ‘em now!” said Wolverine, taking a predatory stance, “They’re just up ahead!”

In addition, I also have a fresh update to the pics section, courtesy of Brian Brinlee. Once again, he was generous enough to take time to do another commission for the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. This time he took the big climax from Issue 25: Power Play and brought it to life. It was one of the most volatile moments of X-men Supreme Volume 2: War Powers and it set the stage for what would happen between Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch later on. Check it out along with the many other wondeful commissions for this fanfiction series in the X-men Supreme Official Panels section.

I know I've said this before, but X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope is going to be bigger and more expansive than the previous two volumes. This fanfiction series will start covering more plots and expand to more characters as the story unfolds. Because of this, it's very important that I continue to receive feedback from generous readers. X-men Supreme can only be awesome if there are people who care about it enough to see it continue. I really do enjoy writing this fanfiction series and I want it to be as awesome as possible. So far, I've had some wonderful support from certain readers. I would like that list of readers to increase. If at any time you have questions or comments for this fanfiction series, please don't hesitate to contact me. Until next time, take care and best wishes everybody!

Jack

X-23 #20 - Girls Night Awesome

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X-men #23 - Internationally Imported Awesome

X-men Regenesis has been like a long overdue enema. It feels uncomfortable as hell at first, but when you see all the shit that it clears out you wonder how you ever let it get that fucked up. Every X-men comic has benefited from Regenesis in some way. Few have benefited as greatly as Victor Gischler's adjectiveless X-men. His series was once the forgotten, abused, and readily ignored step-child of the X-books. It wasn't a bad book by any stretch, but it wasn't going to steal your attention and hold it in a death grip either. It was mediocre at best and forgetable at worst. X-men Regenesis changed that and it didn't need to use a vampire gimmick this time.

Gischler's X-book has always been sound on paper, much like the first script for Battlefield Earth. It's supposed to show the X-men interacting with the greater Marvel universe. It's done this, albeit with mixed results that can't quite compare to the depravity of Battlefield Earth. But X-men Regenesis gave it a fresh lease on life by actually setting up a team with which to associate the book. Storm takes the lead as she probably should have done from the beginning. You just aren't as likely to fuck with someone who can literally shoot a lightning bolt up your ass. Others such as Psylocke, Colossus, Domino, Warpath, and vampire Jubilee joined as well. It's the kind of team that has a unique identity, but are still distinctly X-men. Plus, they have a vampire in their ranks for crying out loud. You can't have a good X-book without catering to the tween crowd now can you?

The first arc of Regenesis style X-men has been a surprising dose of thrills, political intrigue, and giant robots. All are perfect ingredients for an X-book or a Michael Bay film, minus the $200 million budget. It started with a black market deal for sentinels that ended up in the hands of a small oddly named country of Puternicstan, who with the lead of a Hillary Clinton wannabe unleash their stolen sentinels on the equally oddly named country of Symkaria. Since the X-men like to involve themselves in all things sentinel (or they just see fighting robots as a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon), they get involved. Along the way, they cross paths with War Machine. At first he tells the X-men to back off. Storm, being a freakin' queen last I checked, smiles and nods before giving him the finger once he turns his back. They eventually cross paths again and start working together, but by then it was too late. Puternicstan launched their attack and the first pages of X-men #23 show Storm's team leading the charge to take them down before robot wars become too trendy.

The one setting this trend is the Hillary Clinton-esque governor of Puternicstan I mentioned earlier. She's shown to have bigger balls than all the candidates in the GOP (which I know may not be saying much, but you get the picture). She's actually bold enough to launch an attack with robots on their neighbor. Some might call that ballsy, but even those with penises have a problem with that. While she watches the X-men fight her sentinel army, one of her own generals tries to stop her. Apparently having a penis doesn't automatically make you okay with starting a war. Unfortunately, the governor's vagina is that much more powerful because she has her own people contain the traitorous bastard. Somewhere out there, radical feminists are masturbating to this scene. And I have no desire to deprive them so I'll simply shut up for a moment.

Done ladies? Okay, back to the X-men. They're also sort of iffy on the whole launching a robot war thing. In the last issue Warpath and Psylocke caught up with Domino, who managed to avoid being dissected and sold to necrophiliacs. With her help they manage to find a low level scientist that they hope can help them find the off switch for these sentinels. Because scientists in the Marvel universe have more brain cells than those in the Matrix or the Terminator universe. They actually go out of their way to ensure that their killer robots have off switches. I can only assume that scientists in certain fictional universes get drunk on the job more often than I do and that's why simple shit like this slips their mind.

They find out that there is in fact a central control area where they can end this shit. Unfortunately, the governor of Puternicstan has brains in addition to her vagina. So that means she has alarms go off when someone starts busting their way into the master control room. She ends up sending her security forces to go slow them down. It may sound like your typical throw-your-henchmen-at-the-heroes-to-be-humiliated type command, but she also hasn't forgotten that time is on her side. She's already launched the sentinels. Domino, Warpath, and Psylocke have no hope of getting backup from their friends. On top of that the sentinels do land a few lucky blows, namely against War Machine since he doesn't fight sentinels as often in his spare time. SO that screws up the X-men's mojo. So that means they need to find that off switch and find it fast.

While they're fighting their way through, the battle with Storm, Colossus, Jubilee, and War Machine continues taking some unexpected turns. Despite War Machine's inexperience in fighting robot mutant killers, he's able to pick himself up and salvage at least some of his dignity. A battle against the X-men and sentinels is rarely fair, but in a year where the Detroit fucking Lions made the playoffs it's not unheard of that unexpected twists emerge. You could argue that Jubilee, who isn't even a mutant anymore, hot wiring a sentinel and crashing it into the ground is novel. It adds to a beautifully organized battle scene in the skies that's much nicer to drool over than the bland Eastern European government buildings that the others are fighting in. But this only sets up another twist.

It's worth reminding that Victor Gischler was the one that turned Jubilee into a vampire. Pretty much every story surrounding Jubilee's vampirism has come from Gischler. Now say what you will about the decision to do this. Yeah, maybe Marvel was trying to appeal to the Twilight crowd without getting too gay. But Jubilee's character has taken on some amazing twists since she became a blood sucker. Her being a vampire has led to far more novel stories than her just being a mutant. That's my opinion and if you disagree than we can agree to disagree and share a bong hit. Except you have to buy the weed.

That said, when Jubilee crashes the sentinel she encounters someone unexpected. He's not someone who has any part in the whole Puternicstan conflict. He claims he's been watching Jubilee, presumably in the same way horny teenage girls watch Robert Pattinson take his shirt off on the beach through a pair of binoculars (or maybe that's just my ex-girlfriend). Who is this guy? It's not clear, but he does resemble a character that was introduced in a previous issue of Gischler's adjectiveless X-men. He was a vampire that Xavier encountered back in the day when he wasn't mind wiping students and imprisoning Danger. He claims that he can show Jubilee a whole new world. I'm sure that's code for "I'm getting in your panties tonight and there's nothing you can do about it." But whatever the subtext, Jubilee completely disappears after this scene.

She couldn't have picked a worse time to disappear either. By now the sentinels are swarming around Storm, Colossus, and War Machine. The governor of Puternicstan is trying to one-up Hillary Clinton and hit the X-men with a healthy dose of overkill. They start landing some lucky blows. Yes, even mindless robot killers can get lucky every now and then and not in a very fetish sounding way. Even Storm gets herself in trouble when one of the sentinels grabs her. Yet all this time War Machine is contributing absolutely nothing. For a crossover book, he's really not affecting much. He's just adding some guns to the fight, but who needs guns when you've got a guy with Juggernaut's power and a chick with lightning? He's basically an afterthought that really can't change the tide of this battle. Suddenly that off switch is sounding very appealing.

While this battle is going on, the others have fought their way to the master control room. The Hillary Clinton wannabe tries to stop them, but then Domino knocks her out by making her kiss the butt of her gun (not a lesbian joke). She had Domino captured. She knocks her out. Sounds fair. Then Psylocke is able to get in touch with Madison Jefferies back on Utopia, who helps her decipher the systems that the fine folk of Peternicstan have used to hijack the sentinels. If it's programmed like typical Eastern European hardware, I can only assume that the ability to use Windows Vista without pulling your hair out renders you overqualified for the task. Jefferies helps Psylocke enter the shut-down code and that's what ends the battle. It sounds a bit overly easy, but if you just wanted the X-men to destroy all the robots then you're just greedy. Despite the words of Gordon Gecko, that's just not good in this context.

But it doesn't stop with shutting down the sentinels. Once all is calm, the comic flashes forward a bit. We find out that War Machine actually does prove useful in some areas. He calls in some favors from his buddies at NATO to clean up the mess in Puternicstan. They also arrest the Hillary Clinton wannabe and put her on trail. It's not the flashy kind of heroics that you would see in Uncanny X-men or Wolverine and the X-men. It's treated like a security threat with law, lawyers, and governments. It's more exciting than it sounds and it succeeds in setting the tone for this book. I suppose even political junkies that watch C-SPAN need a comic to call their own these days.

But the mission isn't over. In fact, the stage was already set for the next conflict in this series several pages back. When Storm returns to Utopia, she reports to Cyclops that they looked everywhere and couldn't find Jubilee. I'm pretty sure that her running off with a mysterious boy that may or may not be trying to get into her pants is a concern, but her own well-being is probably just as great a concern. And Storm makes it clear that she's not going to consider her mission a success until she finds Jubilee. She's just that kind of woman and if that guy actually does manage to screw with Jubilee, then I'm sure Storm will see to it that Mother Nature renders him a eunuch.

Some may find this ending annoying. I, for one, enjoyed it and not because I tend to read my comics while I'm drunk. This first arc succeeded as the first arcs of Uncanny X-men and Wolverine and the X-men succeeded. It firmly established the theme of the series. From the beginning of the arc to the end, Gischler made clear that this was a unique brand of X-men. They take on the kind of security threats that could upset the ever so fragile order that the X-men kind of need. But this series set itself apart. Before everything with Puternicstan was resolved, the conflict for the next arc was set into motion. And wouldn't you know it? Vampire Jubilee, the same Vampire Jubilee that Gischler created with his first arc, is at the center of it. So not only is the plot for this arc resolved, but the conflict for the next arc has already begun. It's like a preview within an ending. It may confuse some, but if it doesn't get you excited for the next issue then you're either too high or just a dick.

Compared to recent arcs of adjectiveless X-men, this was by far the best. It was an improvement on every level. It wasn't perfect. I have a hard time placing it on the same level as Wolverine and the X-men or Uncanny X-men because those two books have an established tradition of awesome. X-men still has the baggage of mediocrity to overcome. It definitely made strides here. It was complete on some levels. These books are supposed to utilize the greater Marvel universe and War Machine was kind of lost in this issue. But the theme was still in place and Gischler made it work through a solid mix of politics, social commentary, and robots blowing up. That's basically a metaphor for X-men as a whole.

I'm really glad that this series has improved. When I first heard about this series, I was excited at the prospect of the X-men having a book solely dedicated to utilizing other characters from the Marvel universe. But that excitement was overshadowed by the quality X-books that completely outshined it like Uncanny X-Force and Schism. There was really little reason to follow this book, but Regenesis has made the most compelling argument yet for X-men fans to add this to their pull list. It has Storm leading the X-men, other Marvel heroes joining them, and the potential for more killer robots. Seriously, what more do you need? That's why I give X-men #23 a 4.5. It's back to basics with X-men. They fight killer robots and save misguided teenagers. So what if one of them is a vampire now? She's basically the best blood-sucker on the market until the next season of True Blood begins. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #4 - A Personal Journey (of Awesome)

People with refined, diverse tastes often make up a disproportionate amount of the sweater-vest wearing, fake tan loving hipster douche-bag crowd. In the age of the Jersey Shore and Kardashian marriages that don't last as long as the first season of Shit My Dad Says, refined tastes get a bad rap. I go out of my way to run out of these hipster douche-bags with my car from time to time, but I think having more diverse and refined tastes are a good thing. That applies to comics as well. Not every issue of Uncanny X-men has to involve Cyclops flexing his scrotum while Emma Frost strokes it and Colossus bench presses an aircraft carrier. Some X-men stories can be told from a different perspective and be just as awesome.

This is what brings me to Uncanny X-men #4. A mere week ago, Kieron Gillen ended his first arc to this relaunched series. He had high expectations and an even higher threshold for failure. A lesser man probably would have impaled himself trying to jump it in an effort that would become the source of gay jokes for generations. But Gillen succeeded. He told a compelling story that brought the X-men, Sinister, and the Celestials together in a high-stakes battle that nearly turned the world into a sandwich deep fried in cake batter on top of Chris Christy's dinner plate. It was a great arc to usher in a new era of Uncanny X-men. But does the next issue actually have to directly follow the events of that arc? Or is there room for more diverse stories? Those with the unrefined tastes that only pay attention to explosions and tits may say yes. Those with more functioning brain cells would say no.

Uncanny X-men #4 does actually follow the events of Uncanny X-men #3, but not directly. It actually tells a story that connects Sinister to another story that led him to the colorful rampage that made San Francisco crazier than it already was to begin with. And the story isn't told from the point of view from Sinister or the X-men either. It's told from the point of view of the Phalanx, a race of techno-organic creatures that like to suck up living flex and integrate it into their techno-organic forms. It's not as big as a dick move as it sounds. These creatures are a collective mind that seek to integrate life into a single functional collective. It's basically all of Glenn Beck's nightmares about communism taking form and substance. So naturally, long before the events of the last arc, Sinister captured it and did it with a big ass gun. Like Ted Nugant in a grizzly bear's nest, you can't say the guy doesn't come equipped.

Once captured, Sinister does what he does with pretty much any living experiment. He dissects it the way Colonel Sanders dissects a chicken. He tears into the Phalanx, probing it's ability to create a hive mind and collective unconscious. Why? Because he's Sinister, damn it! He doesn't need a reason! Well, that is until the end of the last arc. This is where this seemingly unrelated story from an unrelated perspective crosses paths with the events of the first arc. Sinister used a hive mind to create the army of duplicates that gave the X-men so many headaches. He used it to great effect and looked pretty badass in the process. So when he returns from that battle, the creature's role becomes more evident. And to show that he's merciful in his own twisted way, Sinister throws away his specimens and that includes the Phalanx.

It's a very loose connection to the first arc, but it's a connection none-the-less. This issue is written from a very different perspective, namely from a creature that had no role in it and was simply one of Sinister's many test subjects. It really didn't need this connection, but it certainly helps. It shows that Gillen values coherence in his books and for that he deserves plenty of credit because this is the kind of shit that lazy writers can't be bothered to give half a bag of dog shit about.

The Phalanx is basically a piece of medical waste now. Sinister cut this thing up and damaged it so badly that it's more screwed up than a computer that was fixed by an Amish tech support team. The Phalanx was so weak that it had to integrate worms to rebuild it's form. Over time, it finally returned to the surface. There it was found by a young girl that looks like an extra from Japanese anime porn. Like any extra that ends up getting tentacle raped, she foolishly takes the Phalanx and treats it like a doll. Granted, it looks like the creepiest doll since they made a Vanilla Ice action figure. But for some reason the girl doesn't care. She doesn't get tentacle raped, but you can probably see where this is going.

While the girl sleeps, the Phalanx absorbs her. It turns her into an integrated collective that looks like Snooki after she stayed in the tanning bed for too long. Not content to just absorb an innocent girl, the Phalanx goes for her parents and absorbs them too. Now normally when the Phalanx absorbs something, it integrates it's mind into it's own. The subject doesn't die. It just becomes part of the Phalanx. But that doesn't happen this time. When the Phalanx absorbs these people, it destroys their minds. Hence, it fucking kills them. It's pretty gruesome, but it's not quite that cut and dry.

This is where the perspective of Gillen's writing really shows it's magic. Without it, the Phalanx is just this cruel alien intelligence that gets off absorbing young girls and corrupting their families. It's basically what MTV strives to do, but that's not how the Phalanx sees itself. It believes it's actually doing something good for these people by allowing their minds to merge. It believes that by absorbing this girl, they'll be together. But that doesn't happen. It leaves the Phalanx scared and horrified, not cruel and murderous. It would be as if Jason Vorhees discovered that hacking people with a machete wouldn't make his mother love him. It would be pretty crippling.

Now confused and more fucked up than Bugs Bunny on a crack binge, the Phalanx decides to absorb more people. It's not a Godzilla style rampage. It wants to reconnect with the other Phalanx in the universe. The problem is that when you start sucking in other people in a way that Jeffery Dalmer would find fucked up, it's going to draw attention. This is exactly the kind of thing that sends Abigail Brand of SWORD into a frenzy of PMS. Since she has the budget for a big ass space station but not an army equipped to fight big ass aliens, she calls the X-men's extinction team. I guess the economy sucks in the Marvel U just as much as it does in real life. Go figure.

The X-men arrive on the scene. By then the Phalanx has absorbed an entire fucking town. Yet all that absorbing hasn't yielded it a single mind into it's collective so it's still pissed off. That means it's not going to allow the X-men to fuck with it's plan so it takes on the form of a big ass swamp monster minus the swamp. It's only slightly more imposing than a sentinel, minus the annoying 'destroy' battle cry. But it's dangerous in a way that you just can't reason with. That's why you need a team like Cyclops's to take it down. Wolverine can whine all he wants about making a school and educating kids, but as the Phalanx's monologue shows it just isn't interested in being lectured on how Lady Gaga wants us all to love who we are.

It makes for the kind of large-scale battle that we've all come to expect with Uncanny X-men. It also makes for an opportunity to have Colossus whip out his new unstoppable Juggernaut charged dick and attack the Phalanx (figuratively speaking of course). And he doesn't even wait until shit is too dire to use it. He actually says outright that he wants to flex his Juggernaut style muscle. That's a far cry from the lovable Russian commie that just wanted to make Kitty Pryde melt in his arms. It makes him far more badass, but it also implies that maybe like Donald Trump's sense of self worth that the power is going to his head.

Even with the X-men's heavy hitters tearing into it, the Phalanx manages to great this big dildo-shaped antenna with which to contact it's people. But there's a problem. Nobody's home. The creature is like a nerd that finds out that the number this cute girl in his English class that gave him her phone number just gave hims the number to a shitty Koren restaurant that left a used band aid in their last batch of stir fry. It's pretty crushing because for most of this issue, this Phalanx has been fighting loneliness. And not the kind of loneliness that some solve with beer and internet porn. It's the loneliness of a collective that has only one mind. And for a creature that's not immersed in the California style "I love me" type mentality, that's pretty crippling.

So in a rather tragic act of redemption, the Phalanx allows the X-men to kill it. It says outright that it would rather die than live out the rest of it's days in loneliness. It's pretty sad because after reading the Phalanx's story from the beginning, it's hard not to feel for him. He's like the much creepier version of Wall-E, minus the anti-capitalism propaganda. He destroyed a whole town, but it was an act from a wounded creature. Even Storm seems to sense this in the end and Cyclops, as he's become so adept at doing, gives her the "We had no other option" speech. It may sound kind of dickish to some, but that doesn't make it any less valid. In that sense this story has a rather tragic ending, but one that sends a powerful and provocative message. Now excuse me while take a bong hit to stop myself from crying.

An issue like this has a sense of poetry to it. They're few and far between because Marvel is a business and unfortunately they need to sell shit. That means they need most of their stories to be the kind of bloated, big box office events that people love to bitch about but can't get enough of. However, there's always room for something deeper. This one-shot didn't dig deeper into the twisted psyche of Sinister or make Cyclops's mission harder than it already was. It simply told a tragic story from the point of view of a creature that didn't understand what was happening to it. It was a story that was told from a very alien perspective, yet had very human elements. It's the kind of story that touches the reader in ways that will get you paid off and re-assigned in the Catholic Church.

I won't avoid the obvious. This issue really didn't do much for the underlying theme of Uncanny X-men other than show how Sinister was able to create an army of himself and coordinate it with a hive mind. But it had all the elements that make it fitting for the pages of Uncanny. It was a creature that everyone feared, but didn't understand. At times the perspective was so twisted that it was hard to follow. Some may end up more lost than a creationist at a natural history museum. But it's not so convoluted that it's impossible to understand after a few solid reads. Well, that and being stoned helps, but that's just me.

Overall, this was one of those special issues that won't set the world on fire, but will still blow your mind with the force of a million bong hits. It's a nice interlude between the previous arc of Uncanny X-men and the next arc. Kieron Gillen definitely showed off his writing skills here and at times he's practically gloating, but he still delivers. Some may be able to skip this issue without really noting it's impact and that's really the only flaw. But it still works on it's own level and it's definitely an issue that's worth cherishing. That's why I give Uncanny X-men #4 a 4.5 out of 5. If you want explosions and tits, go Charlie Sheen's house and get kicked in the nuts by a donkey. But if you want a compelling piece of writing, buy this comic. Nuff said!