All-New Wolverine #1: Nuff said!

The only good thing about cantankerous old fucks is that at some point, they die. For a omega level fuck like Wolverine, it took longer than most. Don't get me wrong. I have no doubt he'll come back to life at some point. Once Marvel finds a way to do it that will double as another "fuck you" to Fox, they'll do it. Until then, there's a new Wolverine in town. And instead of a cantankerous old fuck, Wolverine is now a pissed off teenage girl/living weapon.

Admit it, you'd face Logan on his best day before you'd face X-23 on her worst. I almost feel bad for Wolverine's enemies that she's taking up the fight in All-New Wolverine #1...almost. I sure as hell don't feel bad enough not to review this comic. I think with fewer cantankerous old fucks in it, it has a lot going for it.

Even so, it's a Wolverine comic. That means like the VIP room in a Tijuana strip club, there are certain expectations. Well, there's no foreplay when it comes to expectations in this comic. We jump straight into the action, which involves X-23 taking a trip to Paris and beating the shit out of some random motherfuckers. But it's not as random as they sound. There is a sense of urgency. There's a sense that there's a looming threat. Whereas most people deal with them by trying to convince others that the threat is there, Wolverine skips that step and starts kicking ass. X-23 does the same thing. If I were Wolverine, I'd shed a tear of joy and down an extra bottle of tequila.

It's true. There is a valid reason why she has to start kicking ass instead of going the touchy, feely approach that every school counselor teaches. Someone is trying to kill some guy in a nice suit. He might be a politician. He might be a businessman. He might just be some random fuck who posted dick pics on someone else's Facebook account. Either way, someone wants him dead and X-23 is there to save him.

Those guys she was beating up earlier eventually get the message once someone starts shooting. That's another distinct trait of Wolverine. He'll beat the shit out of random motherfuckers, but those motherfuckers will shrug it off once they realize there's a valid reason for the urgency. Someone shooting at them is usually a damn good reason. Then, as so often happens to Wolverine when he's trying to be awesome, X-23 gets shot in the head. It would be shocking and bloody for most people. For Wolverine, it's more of a "Walk it off, you pussy!" moment.

Being shot does tend to fuck with the brain a little. Bullets have that effect. But in this case, it doesn't make X-23 see magic unicorns shitting cotton candy. Instead, she sees something more meaningful. She sees a vision of old Wolverine himself. No, he's not back from the dead already. Even he understands he has to give time for a sexy female version of Wolverine to blossom. He's just there to give X-23 a pep talk.

And it's a damn good pep talk. This isn't some bullshit Friday Night Lights speech. This is him and X-23 talking about what it means to be Wolverine, what it means to be a living weapon, and what it means to fight the motherfuckers who exploit them. It's a defining moment in that Wolverine establishes for X-23 what it means to be Wolverine. And since she's not a whiny, insecure brat who spits on the help others give her, she embraces that.

Looking at YOU Hope fucking Summers...still.

And since she's neither a whiney brat or a pussy, X-23 shakes off a bullet wound to the head the same way I shake off a hangover. She gets up in the pouring rain, ditches her disguise, and shows off her new Wolverine treads. Not gonna lie here folks. I had a smile on my face and a boner in my pants and not for the usual reasons. This isn't X-23 just wearing a Wolverine costume. She IS Wolverine now. Anyone who can't respect that at this point has no right to any boners.

Shaking off the bullet wound, the rain, and the confused Paris crowd who probably think they walked onto the set of a Micahel Bay movie, she goes to work finding the shooter. She doesn't need to look at the clues, assemble a list of suspects, and re-enact an episode of CSI. She just picks up a scent, draws her claws, and makes her way to the next motherfucker she needs to beat up. She's not Batman. She's fucking Wolverine. This is how he rolls.

He eventually finds the shooter, who looks like a smaller, less menacing version of the bad guy from Big Hero 6. There's no interrogation. There's no debate. She just starts beating the everloving shit out of this shooter. It's not a quick battle either. It's detailed, it's visceral, and it's bloody. We call this awesome. Wolverine calls this a typical Tuesday.

This tough, visceral battle doesn't reveal much other than X-23 knows how to kick ass in her new Wolverine costume. The shooter doesn't say much, but does drop a few telling hints. And no, they're not just shrugged off the way half the sub-plots in a Wachowskis movie gets shrugged off. They only get delayed because the Paris police show up to interrupt the ass-kicking. This causes the shooter to call in a drone to finish the job. Yes, assassins apparently have drones now. I guess they figure if Amazon is working on it, it can't be a bad idea.

Between the police and a killer drone, the visceral ass-kicking has to stop and for a damn good reason for once. On top of that, the shooter decided to use this as a perfect opportunity to jump off the Eiffel Tower and avoid any unpleasant chats with the cops. Sure, they're not the LAPD, but who wants to take that chance?

X-23 follows suit. As much as she wants to keep kicking ass, she does need to kind of stop this big time assassination. To do that, she gets help from her current squeeze/fling/fuck buddy O5 Angel. He's nice enough to tag along on her first mission as Wolverine and catch her after she jumps. If she lets him touch her boobs, he damn well better.

With O5 Angel's help, we get a nice areal battle over Paris. They don't have any of the typical weapons with which to fight a drone. They have no guns, no rocker launchers, or anything else that is typically found in Deadpool's shoe closet. But X-23 doesn't need that shit. She has claws and an overly concerned boyfriend willing to drop her in the pouring rain on top of a drone. I don't know if that's a metaphor for teen love, but it damn well ought to be. It's not quite a classic Wolverine fastball special, but it gets the job done.

More visceral details follow. Tom Taylor and David Lopez don't let too much shit happen off-panel here. They show X-23 doing what she does best, fighting crazy motherfuckers and blowing up shit that's trying to hurt innocent people. Armed with just claws, grit, and omega-level badassery, X-23 downs a drone with just her claws. For someone taking on Wolverine's mantel, that's basically the equivalent of the essay question on the SATs. My SAT scores were pretty shitty, but I think X-23 proved she's at an Ivy League level here.

This moment of insane, fiery badassery is also complemented with a touch of humor. Wolverine is not Deadpool. He's not going to crack the kind of jokes that makes Ryan Reynolds seem sexier by default. But he will occasionally put himself in hilarious situations. It often involves something like the Punisher shooting him in the balls. Lucky for X-23, it's not that kind of humor.

Instead, we get a nice little moment with her and O5 Angel. She's kind of fucked up, having just been shot in the head and in an explosion. He can't exactly hug her and kiss her boo-boos away. So he just pats her on the head in what might be the most awkward gesture a teenage boy has ever done that doesn't involve a picture of his dick. And X-23 actually likes it. So yeah, she's a badass. But she's a badass that appreciates her boyfriend's efforts. How many other teenage girls can say that?

But what about that shooter? What about the source for all this blood, ass-kicking, and explosions? Well, there's no bullshit mystery behind it. X-23 already knows who it is. She takes off the shitty kabuki mask and reveals that it's a clone of her. Apparently, someone decided to get back into the X-23 business again. And since X-23 probably heard from Spider-Man that clones can only fuck things up, she's on a mission to end this shit. It's what Wolverine would've wanted. It's what Wolverine would do.

It's not Sabretooth. It's not Sinister. It's a different kind of threat that X-23 has to face. She might be taking on the mantle of Wolverine, but she's still X-23. It makes for a perfect combination of what makes X-23 awesome and what makes Wolverine awesome. Like Megan Fox making out with Jennifer Lawrence, it's as beautiful a convergence you'll see in a comic book.

So...is it awesome?

Well let's channel our inner Alan Harper and make a list. This comic had heart, humor, mystery, intrigue, violence, and explosions. The real question should be how can this shit NOT be awesome? It would take actual, concerted effort on the level of Chuck Austin and Brett Ratner to make a combination like this suck. Thankfully, Tom Taylor didn't make such an effort. He took all these elements, fit them together with the precision of a custom-made bra for Pamela Anderson, and let the awesome do the rest.

I normally give multiple middle-fingers to replacement characters, but X-23 is not just some shitty, contrived replacement. She's Wolverine's clone/daughter/sister who has been growing since the moment she showed up in an episode of X-men Evolution. She earned the right to go by Wolverine. And anyone still giving her the finger at this point is just being a dick. Wherever he is, I think Logan himself would take a break from humping Jean Grey's corpse to look down on X-23 and smile. His legacy is is good hands.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Extraordinarily Lacking: Extraordinary X-men #1

The following is my review of Extraordinary X-men #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

In nearly every episode of Mythbusters, we're told that if it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing. This might apply certain things in life like vacations, fireworks, and kittens. However, it should not be applied to aspects of life like Big Macs, makeup, and tequila. By this same logic, it shouldn't be applied to a new flagship X-men series.

From 2005 to 2012, the entire narrative of the X-men centered around the mutant race being sterilized and pushed to extinction. It took a major crossover event, a cosmic force, and Tony Stark shooting things with giant guns to finally resolve that situation. That alone should relegate such a narrative to stories involving alternate universes and Stephen King novels, at least for a while.

However, Jeff Lemire is out to prove that this narrative can still work in the context of Extraordinary X-men, which has been billed as the new alpha dog of the X-men comics. The timing couldn't be worse for such a narrative. It would be like trying to sell playoff tickets to Detroit Lions fans. In terms of progression, the X-men have barely emerged from the post-extinction world of M-Day. Yet here they are, facing more extinction and more sterilization, courtesy of the Inhumans. On top of that, this comes at a time when conspiracy theories of secret fight clubs between Marvel and Fox are rampant.

Despite these timing and circumstances, Lemire makes the case in Extraordinary X-men #1 that this narrative can work and this story is worth telling. However, his case is lacking in terms of evidence and witnesses. That’s not to say that every judge short of Judge Judy would hand down a guilty verdict. At worst, the case would be branded a mistrial. At best, it would be labeled a trailer for this new era of X-men.

While there are a lot of missing details, the circumstances are made abundantly clear. The mutant race is at a new low and for once, it didn’t involve killer robots, evil clones, or the Scarlet Witch going crazy. It’s very bad. That notion is thoroughly reinforced. This isn’t just people protesting mutants as crimes against nature. One Million Moms does that every time a woman on TV wears a skirt above her knees. This is a world where governments and militaries now see mutants less as a menace and more as target practice.

This new attitude didn’t come out of a vacuum either, nor did it emerge from scare tactics funded by the Koch brothers. The Terrigen Mists that give Inhumans their powers are having a negative effect on mutants. On top of that, these mists are spreading a plague called M-pox. And even Charles Xavier would admit that peaceful protests only go so far when plagues are involved. All the understanding means little when someone is vomiting up their lungs.

It forces the X-men to set aside their usual struggle for peace and understanding in lieu of survival. This process involves rescuing mutants being attacked by government-sponsored lynch mobs and taking them to a place called X-Haven, a mysterious domain where the X-men have constructed a new institute that is somehow safe from the Terrigen Mists.

But where did X-Haven come from? Where did this plague come from? And why is everyone blaming Cyclops for the crisis? These are all very important, very relevant questions. However, the lack of answers and even the lack of hints to those answers make the story difficult to follow. Extraordinary X-men #1 exploits the 8-month gap after Secret Wars in ways big banks exploit tax loopholes.

So much transpires off-panel that it’s hard to appreciate what’s happening on-panel. It requires readers to make assumptions and as a century of tabloid press has proven, readers are terrible at making assumptions.

As readers, we’re left to assume that Cyclops went full-on Dr. Doom in unleashing the Terrigen Mist. We’re left to assume that Teen Jean Grey decided to completely abandon the X-men and her friends in favor of attending college lectures. We’re left to assume that Colossus prefers plowing fields and drinking vodka to helping the X-men. There’s no context or circumstance. And absent that, it creates a narrative that feels like just another mutant extinction plot that isn’t really different from the one that just ended three years ago.

While the abundance of plot holes and assumptions severely weaken the narrative of Extraordinary X-men #1, it’s also a saving grace of sorts in that it conveys those holes as potential. For the events that don’t occur off-panel, there’s enough intrigue to make the story interesting. Despite its shortcomings, the story does effectively set up the new sets of challenges that the X-men face. While it’s more teaser than tale, it captures the right themes.

In addition, the characterization is believable and concise. Storm, Iceman, Nightcrawler, and Iceman really shine in their roles. Lemire gives them a distinct voice that helps convey the dire circumstances in which the X-men must operate. Even Teen Jean, despite her dismissive reaction, eventually finds a familiar voice. Being a teenager might be a valid excuse, but like ignorance of the law on traffic tickets, it’s an excuse that only goes so far.

Overall, Extraordinary X-men #1 serves as a foundation of sorts for the X-men moving forward. However, it’s a foundation with a lot of cracks. Even by making the most generous assumptions, this narrative fails to prove that’s it’s somehow more compelling than M-Day. In some respects, it feels like a regression for the X-men, Cyclops, and mutants as a whole.

Even so, this story still has the potential to rectify itself. It’s too early to render a final ruling on this new era in X-men. It has strong elements and a strong supporting cast. It might not win over fans that are sick of mutant extinction stories. But as the success of the Simpsons has proven, it is possible to make overdone themes work.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

Strangers In Paradise Chapter 20: Remorse and Reconciliation is LIVE!

Sometimes the hardest part of the battle is the aftermath. When the bullets stop flying and the dust starts to settle, the impact finally sinks in. For some, it’s traumatic. For some, it’s a relief. For others, it’s a chaotic mix of conflicting feelings that’ll give even the Lex Luthors of the world migraines. But in many respects, it’s the most important part of a story.

That’s the point I’m at with “Strangers In Paradise.” That’s right. My first ever Superman/Wonder Woman story is in the home stretch. It’s been quite an experience, one that has tested my abilities in ways I never expected. But I like to think I rose to the challenge. I like to think I lived up to Superman and Wonder Woman’s standard, both as characters and as a couple. The previous chapter acted as the big, climactic battle. Every conflicting force converged from the gods of Olympus to the plot by Lex Luthor. In the end, Superman and Wonder Woman triumphed. They won the day. But what about tomorrow?

This is where the true core of Superman and Wonder Woman’s relationship is at its best. These are two insanely powerful characters. At numerous points in the story, they could’ve crossed certain lines to make it easier on themselves. However, they never concerned themselves about how hard a decision was. They only ever cared about doing the right thing, both as individuals and as a couple. That, more than anything else, is the strength of their character and their love.

In any relationship, doing the right thing will always come with more obstacles than choosing an easier path. Most flawed human beings will be hindered at some point. But Superman and Wonder Woman represent an ideal. For them, there’s no debate. They don’t try to walk that fine line between right and wrong. They will do what is right for them and for others. That’s what makes them so strong as heroes and as lovers. And that’s what I intend to show as the dust settles in this story.

Strangers In Paradise
Chapter 20: Remorse and Reconciliation
There’s just one chapter left now. My first Superman/Wonder Woman story is just about complete. There are a few more loose ends to tie up. There are few more emotions I want to capture before I put the finishing touch on this story. I’ve been very pleased with the support I’ve received from Superman/Wonder Woman fans thus far. I hope it continues as this story concludes. Please remember to take the time to review or post comments. I’m always happy to chat, especially if it means making my stories more awesome. Nuff said!

Trials, Tribulations, and Chaotic Sub-Plots: Uncanny X-men #600

The following is my review of Uncanny X-men #600, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

After 50 years of convoluted continuity, pretty much every member of the X-men could be put on trail for something. Wolverine alone would get multiple life sentences for the number of people he's stabbed, Gambit would probably get more than a few years for all the crap he's stolen over the years, and Emma Frost would definitely be fined for indecent exposure. Like many superheroes, we tend to give the X-men more legal leeway than most. They don't get the OJ Simpson treatment, but they are held to a higher standard.

When one of them fails to meet that standard, it's often other X-men who will come down on one another harsher than anyone outside a Texas courthouse. Like other superhero teams and certain message boards, they tend to be selective with their outrage. They'll gladly overlook Jean Grey killing 5 billion aliens while drunk on Phoenix power, but they'll brutally condemn Cyclops for killing one man while drunk on that same power. It's petty on a level not seen outside the LAPD, but it's also the driving force behind much of Brian Michael Bendis' run on X-men. And with Uncanny X-men #600, this run is set to conclude.

But what makes this conclusion intriguing is that it has less to do with judging Cyclops and more to do with judging Hank McCoy. While the judgment on Cyclops has been played out more than the Hangover sequels, the judgment against Hank McCoy has been building. He was the one who brought the Original Five X-men to the present. And he flat out admitted during the Black Vortex event that he knew this was wrong. As anyone lawyer defending a Spring Break party gone bad can attest, intent does matter.

So what does this mean for him and the X-men as a whole? In Uncanny X-men #600, we get partial answers. There's no car chase in a Ford White Bronco, but there's a sense that justice was at least entertained, even if it wasn't served. Justice is a central theme to the story, but that story is somewhat muddled because Bendis rushes to address as many loose ends as he can. This leads to an uneven narrative. In some cases, it's a detriment to overall story.

The story itself is well-organized. It's based entirely around the X-men coming together to confront Beast about the crimes that he himself admits are so egregious. It's built around the same structure as an episode of Intervention, minus the overly scripted melodrama that A&E demands. Even Beast's younger self participates. And when a time-displaced version of yourself is against you, that's when you know you screwed up.

While this confrontation is powerful and relevant, it's frequently interrupted by various flashbacks that address Bendis' many loose ends. There's a plot with Magik and Kitty Pryde confronting Colossus. There's one with the Original Five X-men agreeing to go their separate ways. There's also one where Iceman's sexuality is finally confronted. These are all relevant sub-plots in that they're stories that Bendis has explored. However, that relevance is sometimes obscured. In some cases, it falls flat on its face.

That's not an indictment of Bendis' writing. It's more a byproduct of having to resolve so many loose threads. It's like trying to perform brain surgery while doing your taxes. It's juggling too many complicated issues at once. It shows in the sub-plot with Magik, Kitty Pryde,and Colossus. If there was any drama or tension between them, it was shrugged off in the same way Wolverine shrugs off a bar tab.

This was even more egregious in the sub-plot with the Original Five X-men. While Bendis does make an effort to connect this moment with recent events in All-New X-men, he essentially swings at a wild pitch. He takes the feelings and emotions of these characters and effectively twists them in ways that feel contrived and forced. In some cases, they come off as downright petty. While teenagers can be forgiven for being affected by the rigors of time travel, the effects here just come off as insincere. Even Marty McFly would roll his eyes.

That's not to say that all the sub-plots are mishandled. The highlight of the issue that didn't involve Hank McCoy getting legally annoyed was Iceman confronting his sexuality. This was a story that made national news and the way it's dealt with here feels genuine and sincere. There's a very real, very relevant undertone to this moment, one that those who have struggled with their sexuality can relate to. Since the X-men have often been metaphors for minorities, this feels especially appropriate in a landmark issue like Uncanny X-men #600. It couldn't be more appropriate without a Lady Gaga song playing in the background.

Having one solid sub-plot still doesn't make up for the overall sentiment that the trial of Hank McCoy feels incomplete. While there's plenty of outrage and tension, not much comes of it. Hank McCoy gets upset. His fellow X-men show concern. That's about it. Nobody gets taken away in handcuffs. Nobody calls their lawyer. It's still relevant as a story, but only in the sense that the first 20 minutes of CSI is a relevant story.

This issue still conveys a sense that this is a major milestone for Uncanny X-men as a series. Much of that sense comes courtesy of Cyclops, who has been the catalyst for so much tension and so much of Beast's outrage. What he does helps put mutants as a whole into the perfect context. They are a minority in a world that doesn't have a good track record with treating minorities well. This is what the X-men have always represented and convoluted plots about time travel, cosmic forces, and evil clones shouldn't change that.

While certain moments feel fitting and appropriate, they are like bits of bacon on to of a pile of under-cooked beans. They are not enough to make Uncanny X-men #600 feel like a complete, concise story. It still feels too rushed and too contrived. If this were a real trial, it would be a mistrial or a bad episode of Judge Judy. For a milestone issue like this, some thing just cannot and should not be rushed.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Extraordinary X-men #1: Nuff Said!

There's no way around it. Mutants are fucked. Thanks to Disney, movie rights, and Bryan Singer, we can safely assume that Marvel's main mission moving forward will be to fuck over the mutant race in ways even the IRS would find excessive. They survived Secret Wars, but just in time for the Disney-owned Inhumans to kick their asses. They're going extinct...again. They've been sterilized...again. Someone hand me a flip phone because this feels like 2005 again. Jeff Lemire has been given the keys to this shitty Buick of a franchise and is expected to make it awesome in Extraordinary X-men #1. Not saying it's impossible. I'm just saying he's playing with house money in a casino owned by a meth head version of Joe Pesci.

Storm knows the odds. She knows how fucked the X-men and the mutant race are. She laments from behind a desk at how fucked they are. She says the X-men have lost everything, including Cyclops somehow. Not sure what the fuck that means, but if he’s more fucked over than he already was, then what hope is there for mutants?

As she’s musing over this, it looks like for a moment that she’s talking to Charles Xavier. But don’t worry. Nothing THAT fucked up happened during the 8-month gap. Xavier is still dead. The Xavier she’s talking to is all in her head. Usually, that’s a sign of someone losing their shit. Given how fucked mutants and the X-men are, I think Storm deserves a pass here.

As for Magik, she doesn’t need no stinkin’ pass. She’s got magic, a nice rack, and a big ass sword. That’s more than enough to take on an army of mutant-hating gunmen in India. Hell, that’s enough to get in Hugh Hefner’s will these days. There’s more subtle hints at what mutants are doing to everyone. Apparently, now they think that mutants spread disease. Granted, only the innocent mutant girl looks sick, but when has that ever stopped bigoted assholes before? To be fair, Magik does give them a chance to be reasonable. She then makes it clear she’s as reasonable as a pissed off teenage girl can be.

She teleports the girl away to safety just as the asshole bigots try to solve this problem with machine guns. It doesn’t work in Apocalypse Now. It doesn’t work here either. While I would’ve loved to see Magik give every one of these assholes a proctology exam with her sword, she opts to save the scared mutant girl. She might be a pissed off teenage girl, but she’s a pissed off teenage girl with a heart, which is more than I can say for 95 percent of the girls I graduated high school with.

But where exactly did Magik take her? Where is it still safe for mutants to wake up in the morning and not worry about angry asshole bigots attacking them with machine guns? That’s something else that isn’t answered. The Jean Grey Institute is still there, but now it’s in some place called X-Haven. Where the fuck is X-Haven? I have no fucking clue. It’s not on Google Maps or Craigstlist. It might not even be on Earth. But I don’t see any asshole bigots armed with machine guns so I’m guessing it’s still an upgrade for most mutants.

So while all these mutants are suffering, what’s O5 Jean Grey up to? She’s attending a fucking lecture. Now I’ve got nothing against higher education, but she’s one of the most powerful mutants on the planet and she’s listening to college professors bitch about rich people? Seriously, does taking a break from the X-men mean being a callous bitch? I want to have sympathy for her. I really do. But this is someone who can’t stop hugging people. And she’s going to just shrug her shoulders at the current state of mutants?

She tries to make excuses. She claims something happened to Cyclops that fucked her up so much that she would rather attending boring lectures than be an X-man. We don’t know what the fuck it was, which makes it pretty hard to even fake sympathy. Then, Storm lets O5 Jean read her mind and she sees for herself just how fucked they are. It’s not enough that everybody hates mutants and are using them for target practice. But the Terrigen Mist that’s killing them is also sterilizing them. Somewhere out there, Wanda Maximoff is rolling her eyes and sighing in relief.

But O5 Jean isn’t the only one who apparently doesn’t give enough fucks anymore about mutants. Colossus also decided to ditch the X-men and the mutant race to work on a farm. That’s actually a lot more respectable than attending boring college lectures so I’m not going to give him the same crap I gave O5 Jean.

He’s had a busy day plowing fields in ways rap lyrics have ruined over the years. Then Magik shows up. There’s a nice little reunion. There’s still not much anger or animosity between them, which was addressed in Uncanny X-men #600 anyhow, albeit poorly. But he’s generally aware of what Storm is doing with X-Haven and doesn’t give enough of a fuck to help. He just reveals that at some point, the Terrigen Mists started fucking up mutants and Beast is working on a cure. He’s still an asshole, but at least he’s trying, which is more than I can say for Colossus.

There’s a nice, lengthy chat about their history as a family. There’s even vodka involved. How can any family chat not be made more awesome with vodka? But as nice as it is, Magik says the X-men need him. Things with mutants are just too fucked to NOT have someone as strong as him. Eventually, Colossus agrees. That or he’s out of vodka. I’m going to just assume he was low on vodka.

So is there any MIA X-man who is actually doing more than sitting on their ass? Well, Nightcrawler is at least trying to be productive. He’s caught up in some battle against a bunch of demonic creatures. It looks like a shitty level of World of Warcraft, but it is by far the most action this story has managed. We don’t know who these assholes are or why Nightcrawler insists on fighting them while reciting bible verses. I’m guessing he watched the Charlie Brown Christmas Special one too many times or something. We don’t even get any hints were. We just know Nightcrawler gets his ass kicked and that’s about it.

Back with O5 Jean, she still needs to be convinced to ditch boring college lectures and join the X-men. Seriously, if you have to be convinced to do shit like that, then being a disillusioned teenager just isn’t enough of an excuse. She rightly points out that staying in the X-men means she’s going to die multiple times. I feel like someone should point out that she’ll die by boredom if she stays in college, but I guess that goes without saying.

She’s still reluctant. Storm and Iceman are very close to saying “fuck it!” Then, O5 Jean finally relents. She finally accepts that the risk of multiple deaths is worth not having to sit through another shitty college lecture. She doesn’t flat out agree to join the team, but she does say that she has picked up on a few things that might help.

One of those things is a cantankerous, wrinkled old holdover from Battleworld. But it happens to be one of the best parts of Battleworld that doesn’t involve Ultron fighting zombies. That’s right, it’s Old Man Logan. He’s now stuck in 616 and he’s choosing to pass the time fighting Sentinels. Personally, I’m surprised he’s not getting plastered in every bar in Canada, but I guess this is how he stays sharp in his old age. When Storm confronts him, it’s a beautiful thing. But fuck if it still leaves a lot of unanswered questions.

So...is it awesome?

Well, if you're a Cyclops fan, fuck no. This issue might as well be an omen on par with the Pacific Ocean turning to blood. This new era of X-men is going to SUCK for Cyclops. Having him kill Xavier was bad enough. Now, he's basically a bipolar Magneto on crack and off his meds. At least, that's the impression that's conveyed here. It's so bad that O5 Jean decided to say, "fuck it!" and leave. It seems fitting that with Wolverine dead, Marvel needs someone else to screw over and Cyclops is the odd man out.

Beyond Cyclops fans, this issue has its moments. And by moments, I mean a whole lot of "What the fuck is going on here?" I've blacked out before. I've woken up in strange places and unknown zip codes. But I've never blacked out for 8 fucking months so there's a lot of missing information here. Without that information, it's really hard to understand the state of the X-men. We're just left to assume they really are that fucked. And sadly, that seems like a pretty safe assumption.

Final Score: 5 out of 10