All New X-men #19 Unlettered Preview - Uniformed Awesome

Back in elementary school, I had a nasty habit of wearing the same faded pants with a small hole around my right butt cheek. I loved those pants and even when I got new ones, I would still wear them. They smelled, they made me look like a hobo, and there was this one greenish brown stain around the knee that I couldn’t for the life of me get out or identify. And when I outgrew those pants, it was a very sad day. I bring up this story to make a very clear point. When it comes to fashion, I’m no Elton John. I’m about as keen as fashion as I am lizard biology.

But deep within my drunken mind, I do have a strong appreciation for good fashion. And that extends to comics as well. Halloween was only yesterday. I think everybody shares that appreciation, if only for the slutty costumes that beautiful women wear at parties. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that some of those costumes are based on superhero comics. There’s a slutty Supergirl costume, a slutty Batman costume, a slutty Hulk costume, and a slutty Thanos costume. They may sound ridiculous, but my penis can attest to their power.

If only all side-kicks and villains were this sexy.

And when it comes to fashion in comics, I think an awesome uniform helps contribute to an awesome comics. It was already announced long ago that the O5 X-men would be getting new costumes in the pages of All New X-men. It was supposed to happen sooner, but then Marvel claimed that they wanted to wait until after Battle of the Atom. I think that’s just code for some artists got drunk and forgot. But now that Battle of the Atom has concluded, the O5 X-men have left the Jean Grey Institute to give Cyclops’s revolutionary methods a try. But they can’t be revolutionaries and still wear costumes that went out of style back when Richard Nixon was President. Those costumes were already revealed at the New York Comic Con this past year. Now as we’re all still doped up on leftover Halloween candy, CBR posted a preview of All New X-men #19 that shows these uniforms in action.

CBR: All New X-men #19 PREVIEW

Unfortunately, the preview is unlettered. But it’s one of those previews where I don’t think too many people will give a shit about what they’re saying and not because it has boobs for once.

If there is a major drawback to this preview, it would have to be that this is for a comic that we won’t be reading until fucking November 27^th and that’s assuming nobody at Marvel or Comixology will get drunk and delay it. And that’s always a much bigger if around the holidays. But beyond the agonizing wait, the prospects for these new uniforms and the All New X-men are pretty fucking awesome.

But beyond the new uniforms, this preview also fully confirms that the O5 X-men and Kitty Pryde are now full-fledged members of Team Cyclops. They gave Team Wolverine a chance and Wolverine just ended up getting stabbed by another one of his bastard kids. So nobody can blame them for giving the other guy a try. Sure, he killed Charles Xavier when he was drunk on the Phoenix Force (and being attacked mercilessly), but he has at least shown that he’s competent and openly talks to people who want to stab him and/or throw him in jail.

This is where I feel like the tone of All New X-men has undergone the biggest change. One of the pivotal moments in X-men Battle of the Atom was when Cyclops decided to help the O5 when everyone else around him and common sense told him that they should go back to the past. And just like Avengers vs. X-men, he was right minus the clusterfuck. Everyone in the Jean Grey Institute staff supported sending the O5 back, but Cyclops was willing to help them. That or the idea of having a teenage Jean Grey around overwhelmed his penis. Now he gets to show the O5 X-men his approach and how he does things differently from Wolverine or the Jean Grey Institute. The O5 may think he’s still a fucked up fugitive who belongs in jail, but at the very least they’re seeing the other side of the argument, which is something nobody from Fox News can say.

It’s a bold new era for All New X-men. The O5 X-men have joined Cyclops’s revolution, the Purifiers are back, and a mystery girl that may or may not be X-23 is on the loose. It feels like Christmas has come early and I’m not even drunk on eggnog yet. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, but there’s just too much awesome potential here. And even if it ends up being terrible, I can at least say that those uniforms look pretty fucking awesome. So that’s a partial win at the very least. Nuff said!

All New X-men #19 Preview - Thy Will Be Awesome

Talk is supposed to be cheap, but if that were the case, then my phone bill with AT&T wouldn’t be so fucking expensive. When an unlettered preview of a comic book comes out, it tends to leave a lot to the imagination. And for guys like me whose imagination is more unhinged than Gary Busey on a crack binge, that can be dangerous. But it can also be dangerous when the lettered preview finally comes out and an unhinged imagination proves to be more interesting. That or some previews just shouldn’t be read sober.

Not long ago, I posted the unlettered preview for All New X-men #19. It was the first preview that showed the O5 in their brand spakin’ new uniforms. It didn’t reveal much other than they popped in to help out a mutant that the Purifiers decided to target. It’s basic, it had no words, but it conveyed the necessary levels of awesome. Now Newsarama has released a fully lettered preview for All New X-men #19, which is set to come out next week.

While I’ve already got a semi-boner in anticipation for this book, I wasn’t sure what to expect from a lettered preview. Sometimes they’re presented in a way that’s akin to walking into the middle of a conversation and pretending to know what the fuck everyone is talking about. That may work for some politicians, but it doesn’t work for comics quite as well. It can still convey plenty of awesome though.

Newsarama: All New X-men #19 Lettered Preview

The post-Battle of the Atom X-verse continues to take shape as the original mutants battle a militia group who believe mutants are the work of the devil in this Newsarama-exclusive preview of next week's All-New X-Men #19.

It really doesn’t say much. We have no idea who that poor mutant girl is. We only know who the George Zimmerman wannabes are. They’re the Purifiers. They’re basically the people who vote for Rick Santorum and Ted Cruz with a straight face. And for some reason, they feel like they have to always talk like Billy Graham. I know it’s for dramatic effect, but at a time when too many religious zealots have too much power, it’s uncomfortably real.

And while the O5 approach the battle with the same indifference as Elton John at a Victoria’s Secret, it does present an interesting and potentially difficult concept for them to process. In the early days of Uncanny X-men, they never encountered people like this. They never dealt with an anti-mutant version of the KKK. They’re still hopelessly optimistic on some levels, thinking that the government isn’t inept and that there aren’t too many assholes in this world. But these are the kinds of people that do exist and in a world where new mutants are manifesting again, they’re not going to listen to Charles Xavier’s message of peace and understanding.

The O5 have already had their innocence shattered quicker than a five-year-old girl who just walked in on her mother banging the mail man. Now they’re going to have to deal with genuinely hateful motherfuckers who hate mutants just because they breathe. Like arguing with creationists, there’s no reasoning with that kind of stupid. And on Cyclops’s team, their mission is to confront assholes like this and expose them for the assholes they are. It could very well add to the kind of emotional upheaval that has O5 Jean kissing every boy she crosses paths with or O5 Cyclops hooking up with Wolverine’s clone daughter. And that could only make All New X-men more awesome.

Scanned Thoughts: All New X-men #19

Back in high school, I once had to do a group project with a guy whose older sister I boned and in his room no less. He knew it happened. I certainly knew it happened because I kept fighting the urge to yell out "I boned your sister!" the whole time. But it was still an awkward situation and one that made the project all the more difficult. And I fucking hate group projects to begin with. I imagine it's just as awkward for the O5 right now in All New X-men. Not only have they joined Cyclops, the guy they thought murdered the Professor and would cause a full blown mutant genocide. But O5 Cyclops has found out that the love of his life has been swapping spit with other teammates. That's a blow to the heart and a kick to the balls, yet he still has to function on the team while pretending that his brain and penis aren't kicking his ass. So as I review All New X-men #19, I expect it to get awkward, but I don't expect anyone to bone someone's older sister again.

A trip to Miami is one of those trips that can go either way. Someone can either get boned in the best possible way or the worst possible way. There’s a huge difference between banging a couple of European supermodels on South Beach and being beat up by LeBron James in a nightclub. And for one exceedingly unlucky mutant, they might as well be stealing one of LeBron’s championship trophies because they’re being chased by the Purifiers. These people are like the Taliban mixed with creationists mixed with Ted Nugant. They make it so they think God blesses them whenever they kill or horribly maim a mutant. It’s so disgusting it almost makes me think that churches demanding money from their followers, despite not having to pay any taxes, isn’t so bad…almost.

Kitty Pryde and the O5 X-men can’t arrive to kick their asses fast enough. They just got some kick-ass new uniforms so why not break them in a little? They’ve never faced the Purifiers before so they’re probably somewhat surprised when they shoot first and plan to jack off with their entrails later. It forces Kitty Pryde to phase them through the bullets, allowing them to be appropriately shell shocked by what they’re experiencing. But they’re not quite as shell shocked as they probably should be and not just because they know they’ve got Kitty Pryde to protect them from the bullets. They look at these religious nut jobs as if they’re just a bunch of Gears of War cos-players who take their role way too seriously and got into a fight with Halo fans. While I’m willing to attribute this to the O5’s unfamiliarity with the many threats the X-men have faced over the years, the dialog here is weak and somewhat dry.

Actions still speak louder than words and the O5 show once again that despite their youth, they’re pretty damn good in a fight. They took on Hydra, Mystique, and Sabretooth. Taking on the Purifiers should be no more problematic than beating up a bunch of drunken Storm Troopers. Their tactics aren’t too fancy, but they don’t just take Wolverine’s approach and charge head-first into a hail of bullets. They don’t have a healing factor or that much whiskey in their system (that we know of). They manage to occupy the Purifiers while Kitty Pryde goes after the mutant they were harassing. It has the makings of a perfectly choreographed ballet, minus the excessive anorexia.

But while the O5 are competent fighters, they are inexperienced. This shows when O5 Beast manages to get himself hit in a way that will not hurt him anywhere as much as he deserves for his recent bullshit. It’s basically a way of making sure that shit doesn’t come too easy for the O5 X-men. It only works in the sense that it pisses off O5 Jean Grey and when O5 Jean Grey is pissed off, it’s not a fair fight. The Purifiers might as well be baby seals on Dick Cheney’s front lawn. The dialog is still weak, but again the actions speak much louder than words.

While the O5 X-men are handling themselves admirably, Kitty Pryde catches up with the mysterious mutant girl that the Purifiers were using for target practice. Then she makes a startling revelation that really shouldn’t be so startling to anyone who reads comics sober (ie not me). That girl is actually X-23 and for some reason, she claims she’s not a mutant and doesn’t recognize Kitty Pryde. Having not read the final issue of Avengers Arena, I’m left to assume the Purifiers did some really horrific shit to her. It wouldn’t be the first time someone with a healing factor and claws had their memory wiped, but it’s hard to tell from either the situation or the dialog. It’s just clear that X-23 is going to make this shit more difficult than it already is, but she’s a teenage girl. That’s almost a given.

It doesn’t get much more difficult for the O5 X-men though. They continue to handle themselves with a fair amount of competence as they take on the Purifiers. But it isn’t just optic blasts and ice beams. At some point they actually do make an effort to try and learn about these guys and why they think hunting a mutant in the streets of Miami is more important than trying to score tickets to the next Miami Heat game. O5 Angel even points out that their theology is kind of fucked up when he looks like an actual angel and they think he’s an abomination. That would be like calling Scarlett Johansen fat. But in the same way pointing out facts to a creationist does jack shit, O5 Angel can’t convince these guys that God was kind of serious when he gave that “Thoust Shalt Not Kill” commandment. So he does the next best thing and drops his sorry ass. If only someone could do that with Kirk Cameron.

Despite a few hiccups, the O5 X-men are able to subdue the Purifiers. Now the O5 X-men are in a much better position to learn more about these assholes and hopefully teach them why it’s a bad idea to shoot innocent mutants in a crowded city. O5 Cyclops tries at first to play good cop and asks the politely without shooting them with his optic blasts. But since they think God is on their side and he’ll send them to Hell where they’ll have to clean Hitler’s toilet for eternity if they talk, they have a pretty strong incentive to keep their mouth shut. So they go right to O5 Jean Grey, who plays bad cop by peeking into their minds. While she has had a nasty tendency to probe minds without permission, I don’t anybody will have much sympathy for any Purifier who gets mind-fucked.

What O5 Jean Grey sees is really no surprise to any X-men fan or anyone with a Wikipedia app on their smartphone. The Purifiers are just a bunch of religious zealots who use religion to justify violence against mutants in the same way Pat Robertson uses religion to justify his senility. But for O5 Jean, it’s a pretty shocking and pretty disturbing revelation. It’s easy to forget for anyone who has damaged their short-term memory as much as I have that the O5 X-men are still new to this superhero gig, even before they traveled through time. They’ve never faced a threat like the Purifiers. At least the Sentinels didn’t obsessively preach how much God hates them like a Catholic priest with OCD. It’s a jarring yet important discovery for O5 Jean and the O5 X-men, although I suspect O5 Jean is the only one with the urge to throw up.

It would have been easy for O5 Jean to throw another one of her psychic temper tantrums. But by this point, all the shooting and street preaching has attracted the police. They’re a little late to the party so they can be forgiven for not knowing what the fuck is going on. For all they know, this is just a costume party at a nightclub that went horribly wrong. Magik tells them this is their cue to get the fuck out of here. However, O5 Cyclops attempts to placate the situation. He thinks it may be helpful if they tried to help the police in a peaceful, respectable fashion. Apparently, he has never been busted for hiding pot in a bottle of lube at airport security.

It’s actually a pretty interesting moment in that it sets O5 Cyclops apart from his older counterpart, who actually attacked a police station earlier in the series. He still doesn’t quite understand that he’s technically an outlaw and the police aren’t exactly reacting to a surge in the mutant population with donuts and coffee. He’s still trying to handle a situation peacefully, which in this day and age is a pretty novel concept. It’s respectable, even if it is a little stupid. Nobody should be surprised in the slightest when one of the cops tries to shoot him and doesn’t even have the courtesy to claim he has a gun. Magik teleports them out before they could defuse the situation, but it’s still an important distinction between what the O5 are doing and what Cyclops is doing.

Once back at the New Xavier School, they finally have a moment to process what they just encountered. It’s another interesting and important moment. Now they finally allow themselves to be a little shell shocked. And Magik allows herself to be a little pissed at O5 Cyclops when he didn’t understand the simple concept of getting the fuck away when the cops show up packing guns. But what resonates with them even more was the threat posed by the Purifiers. These are not like the Sentinels they faced or even their evil future selves in X-men Battle of the Atom. These are zealous assholes who have no problem snapping the neck of innocent mutants and shitting on their corpses. It’s a lot to take in for a bunch of teenage X-men, especially when they’re trying to keep Charles Xavier’s dream alive.

The impact is definitely greater on O5 Jean Grey, who actually had to read the thoughts of one of these assholes. I imagine it would be like sleeping in Jerry Sandusky’s basement for a night during a full moon on Friday the 13^th. She has already had her share of emotional upheavals, but those upheavals aren’t really touched on that much. This is more about her and the rest of the O5 realizing that there are more psychic mutant-hating assholes in the world than they ever expected. It’s like any other teenager learning that sex is much more complicated and messy than porn had led them to believe.

While the O5 X-men are dealing with these very uncomfortable realizations, Kitty Pryde has her own encounter with the cops. To their credit, they don’t just threaten to shoot first and honor the 5^th amendment later. Kitty Pryde tries to reason with them as well, but it’s X-23 who ends up being difficult. To get her out of an already stressful situation, she phases her into the sewer. She’s already in a pretty shitty state of mind so Kitty probably figures she won’t mind being in another shitty environment. But it’s here where the extent of the damage done to her becomes more apparent. In addition to not wanting to be touched, she reveals that something fucked her up so bad that she went bald and her face now looks like Hugh Hefner’s nutsack. It’s disturbing, but provides further justification for her attitude. There’s still no clue as to what happened to her, but since she’s shown swapping spit with O5 Cyclops on the cover of the next issue, it’s a given that she’ll get over it pretty damn quickly.

At the very least, I can say that nobody became more or less inclined to bone anyone. After all the melodrama and relationship fodder in the previous issue, this issue took a more simplistic approach. It had a bunch of teenage superheroes in skin-tight outfits beat the shit out of a bunch of heavily armed religious zealots. It’s the kind of shit that brings tears of joy to Richard Dawkins’ eyes. It also effectively introduced X-23 into the pages of All New X-men. While it isn’t clear how the fuck she ended up bald and with no memory, it’ll ensure she’ll be pretty fucked up once she joins the All New X-men. And I guess being fucked up is all that’s necessary to kiss Cyclops. His penis is just that powerful, even as a teenager.

There’s a lot to like about this issue, but it fell flat and was a bit disorganized at times. So I give All New X-men #19 a 7 out of 10. It’s like a burger without bacon, relish, and hot sauce. It’s good, but not awesome. I’m hoping that X-23 can provide the extra bacon needed to make All New X-men as awesome as it deserves to be. Nuff said!

All New X-men #20 Lettered Preview - Fancy Revelations

I know I’ve said it on more than one occasion in my drunken reviews and every news story about a high school prank gone horribly wrong keeps proving me right. Teenagers do not make smart decisions. Between overwhelming bodily changes, raging hormones, and raging sex drives there is just too much for the teenage brain to deal with. So how can anyone expect it to be logical? Even if it means fucking up the entire space time continuum, teenagers will find some ways to think with the wrong head.

That’s part of what has generated so much interest surrounding All New X-men #20. It isn’t just the promise of two teenage characters succumbing to their insatiable desires to hook up in ways that would make Bill O’Riley’s head explode. This is a very unique kind of hook-up and in a series that has had psychic affairs and incest, that’s saying something. I’ve already done multiple blog posts on this issue and the unlettered preview that came out a few weeks ago. Now this issue that has brought out a unique kind of bitching and moaning on message boards is only a week away.

And I don’t think anyone should be surprised that Marvel released an advanced preview. This time it’s lettered and that’s a good thing because what is said here answers some of the burning questions from All New X-men #19, which I articulated in my usual drunken manner. But it also raises a few new issues with some new implications. I’ll let Comic Book Resources take it from here since they can do their work sober.

CBR: All New X-men #20 Lettered Preview

• The fallout of X-MEN: BATTLE OF THE ATOM continues!

• X-23 is back and kissing… WHO IS THE MYSTERY MAN??!

Seeing this preview was a relief in same way taking a really good shit after gorging on buffalo wings the previous night is a relief. In All New X-men #19, X-23 apparently took a note from her father’s playbook and lost her damn memory. But it looks like in this issue, she got it back. It’s not clear how, which I pray to Odin isn’t glossed over like so many other details. But it saves this series the trouble of dealing with another amnesia Weapon X plot. That shit has been more done to death than the last three Adam Sandler movies.

But what is more intriguing is how O5 Jean picked up that O5 Cyclops’s already “fancies” X-23 as she calls it. Now it’s worth pointing out that earlier in this series, O5 Cyclops showed he had about as much fondness for Wolverine as his older counterpart. He optic blasted him the first time he gave him a reason to. So why the fuck would he suddenly fancy Wolverine’s clone daughter? There may actually be some twisted hormonal logic to that. He doesn’t like Wolverine. What could be a better way to pwn him even more than hooking up with his daughter? It’s not enough his older self got to bone Jean Grey. Now he’s going after his daughter. Come to think of it, this is probably the most logical thing Cyclops could do from a teenage hormone perspective.

What also is intriguing is how O5 Jean seems to pick up on this. She doesn’t try and stop him or really get upset, which is saying something considering how she pitched a psychic hissy fit when she sensed O5 Cyclops’s attraction to the Stepford Cuckoos. It could just be something she’s holding in. I don’t think she’s stopped caring who O5 Cyclops is involved with because that would be both OOC and further undermine the space time continuum. And that’s not just my own drunken sentiment. That’s what is hinted at in the issue after this one.

The intent is pretty clear here. X-23 is going to cock-block/pussy-block O5 Jean from O5 Cyclops. It seems fair enough given how she pushed O5 Cyclops away and is flirting with every other member of the team except O5 Iceman, although I’m sure that’s on her to-do list. But in the same way a vindictive ex-girlfriend get upset when she sees her ex hooking up with someone else, it’s going to bother her. And at the same time, it’s going to add more tension to the ongoing drama between O5 Cyclops and O5 Jean Grey.

It’s a plot that I hope Bendis is careful with because as I’ve said before, the Cyclops/Jean relationship by far the most important relationship in the history of the X-men. Tearing them apart isn’t the same as having a teenage Peter Parker break up with a teenage Mary Jane in Ultimate Spider-Man. By destroying the Cyclops/Jean relationship, a whole fuckton of damage happens to the space time continuum and in the post Age of Ultron Marvel universe, that shit just isn’t cool anymore.

For this reason, I don’t think that a hookup between X-23 and O5 Cyclops has a lot of long-term potential. And for another reason, it’s a teenage hookup. There’s a reason why teenage hookups become Shakespearean plays or best-selling books about sparkling vampires. They’re really fucking rare. And given the circumstances for both these characters, I don’t think they’ll be going all Twilight on each other. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be awesomely entertaining. Besides, if we didn’t have teenagers to make fools of themselves, the world would be way too fucking boring. Nuff said!

CBR: X-POSITION - Jason Aaron Answers Some of My Questions!

Depending on the mood I'm in or the exotic substances I'm on, I'm capable of asking some pretty decent questions. Well I must have been in a bad mood or the wrong kind of exotic substances because it's been a long ass time since I sent some questions into CBR's weekly X-POSITION column. That's not to say I haven't had questions, but questions regarding the nature of Mystique's role in the new Marvel NOW! status quo are not on the same level as questions about how big she can make her boobs.

Well I think I got my mood and my exotic substance intake stabilized because I was able to finally formulate some questions worth answering. This week, Jason Aaron and the beard that gives him his power was the guest of honor. He's been hard at work on Wolverine and the X-men, introducing new mutants that are half-shark/half hot Brazilian chick and exploring plots about circuses that can only be attended while on lethal amounts of LSD. It's one of the best X-men comics to read while stoned and it's been wildly entertaining, as I've recently articulated on this blog. But these twisted plots have left me with a few questions that CBR was nice enough to ask.

CBR: X-POSITION - Jason Aaron

1) First off, I'm really enjoying your run so far, Mr. Aaron. And one of my favorite characters in "Wolverine and the X-Men" right now is Kid Omega. What can we expect from him in the coming months as the events of "All-New X-Men" catch up with your series?

Jason Aaron: We see the first echoes of "All-New X-Men" in "Wolverine and the X-Men" #24, our "date night" issue. But that's certainly not the last time you'll see ripples from one book affecting the other. As for what Quentin's up to that issue, you'll have to wait and see. I'll just say there's some big stuff coming up for Kid Omega. His love life is going to get more complicated. And he may soon find himself in some very unfamiliar territory. There'll be more psychic shotgun action as well.


2) With Professor Xavier dead and Emma Frost on Cyclops's team, what can we expect from Rachel Grey now that she's the top telepath at the Jean Grey Institute? Will this role of hers evolve into something greater over time?

Well, like you said, she's the top telepath at the Jean Grey School. That's already a pretty huge role. Assuming she survives the current Murder Circus craziness, I'd expect to see Rachel getting back to what she was doing in issue #19: namely doing whatever she can to track down the Hellfire Club. For those that want to see more of Rachel unleashed, believe me, it's coming.


3) It's been revealed that Mystique will be playing a major villain role in both "All-New X-Men" and in "Wolverine and the X-Men." Can you talk a bit about her role and her motivations?

I can't say too much about what she's up to without spoiling one of our big arcs for next year. But she's obviously still working with Sabretooth's crew, along with Lord Deathstrike and the new Silver Samurai, who are all currently being contracted by the Hellfire Club to track down some of the new mutants popping up around the globe. As for what happens when they find those mutants... well, I expect we'll have an answer soon enough.

So Kid Omega may be getting laid, Rachel Grey will be focused primarily on trying to locate a team of sociopath per-pubescent kids, and Mystique is organizing a massive let's-all-fuck-with-the-X-men-party. Hell, Jason Aaron had me Mystique! I don't know if I revealed this, but Mystique was one of my first crushes growing up. She found her way into many of my twisted fantasies before I had access to internet porn. The prospect of her becoming more involved with X-books again makes me feel both nostalgic and horny at the same time. And if that's not a winning combination for an X-book, what is? Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #19 - Winning and Losing

What goes through the mind of someone who knows he's being screwed over in the worst possible way? When I was in school, I once saw one of the football players lose a bet that required him to walk down the hall in a cheerleader's outfit with a used tampon stuffed in his mouth. Several people nearly died laughing, but after I stopped laughing myself I couldn't help but wonder what that guy was thinking. Maybe he was contemplating how he would get back at the asshole who tempted him with the bet in the first place. Maybe he would use it as a lesson to always think first and not take unnecessary risks with idiot friends who have a history of steroid abuse. It would be the most responsible thing to do, but we all know that expecting characters in comics to be responsible is no more reasonable than expecting immature teenagers with access to unlimited supplies of weed to be responsible.

After the events of Avengers vs. X-men #12, there were a number of open wounds for Marvel to rub salt in. Cyclops played the part of the wound and the salt was fucking everybody. Even though he took responsibility for the shit he did when he went Dark Phoenix, he has to know on some levels that the Avengers and his fellow X-men screwed him over in a way that no amount of used tampons could ever match. He was the one trying to prevent his species from going extinct. And in the end he succeeded. Granted, he almost destroyed the whole fucking world in the process, but it wouldn't be the first time someone put innocent people at risk for the sake of a better tomorrow. I'm pretty sure the man who invented ski-masks had the best of intentions, just as Cyclops did. But now he has to deal with shit like attacking his girlfriend, nearly destroying the world, and being branded a criminal and a murderer by friends and foe alike. I still maintain it's not quite as bad as being forced to stick a used tampon in your mouth.

Since its inception, Uncanny X-men has explored many facets of Cyclops's character. Kieron Gillen has shown a great deal of talent in treating his character with balance. It's a shame that balance was kicked in the balls and blind-sided by Ray Lewis on meth during Avengers vs. X-men, but he's still in one piece and has a lot of shit to deal with. If anyone is equipped to explore the mind of the most screwed over comic character since Gwen Stacy, it's Gillen.

Avengers vs. X-men fucked a lot of shit up. Uncanny X-men #19 explores the musings of Cyclops while he's in full Dark Phoenix mode. He starts by recalling how he became Dark Phoenix after killing Charles Xavier. After that little tidbit, he proceeds with beating the shit out of the Avengers and turncoat X-men who are now mere Avengers groupies. It's basically the same shit we saw in Avengers vs. X-men #12, but with some added narration. The narration doesn't add much, but it does lend some credence to the notion that Cyclops was out of his fucking mind and could probably plead insanity at his trial. It worked for John Hinkley and nobody pestered him until he went Dark Phoenix.

While he's busy beating the shit out of the Avengers and their new X-groupies, he muses over the life of Scott Summers. But it's not a clean recollection. He doesn't remember these events in the same way normal non-Phoenix people remember it. This is where Kieron Gillen's skill is flexed in the same way Ron Jeremy flexes his cock. These narrations, of which we got next to none in Avengers vs. X-men #12, are from the perspective of a mind corrupt with power. He already demonstrated that perspective to a point in an earlier issue in his run. He takes it up a notch here by reviewing events like Cyclops meeting Xavier, meeting Jean, and Jean Grey dying on him (the first time) in a new context. It feels very alien without feeling too crazy, so maybe that insanity plea won't work after all.

These musings continue as Dark Phoenix Cyclops lays waste to the world he so pain-painstakingly tried to fix until the Avengers pissed him off and his mentor started treating him like a dog. I liken it to a cosmic temper tantrum. It's not unlike that 15-year-old girl on her period screaming at her parents at how they don't let her go out and get drunk enough, but not quite as destructive. The Avengers and their X-Groupies try to fight back, but don't accomplish much. It's glossed over for the most part and that's probably a good thing since we already saw that shit in Avengers vs. X-men #12. And the less we're reminded of how much that comic sucked, the better.

Then we get to the battle against Hope and the Scarlet Witch. This is where Cyclops finally shot his load too much, not unlike the guy on a porn set who prematurely ejaculates. But in this instance it involves more than just pretty images of Hope and the Scarlet Witch doing their best to distract readers that all this shit is still their fucking fault from the get go. It shows the inner conflict within Cyclops's mind, which isn't unlike the conflict Jean Grey often described in that the human side of him battled the corrupt Dark Phoenix side. It's subtle. It's not overblown and Gillen doesn't write a fucking novel describing the conflict, although some may which he had. But even if it's understated, he gets the point across. On some levels, Cyclops knows he's lost it and the Dark Phoenix is overwhelming him. Okay, so the insanity plea is back on!

In the midst of this battle, there's another interesting scene. As he's battling Hope and the Scarlet Witch, he muses over how small the world is. There are some interesting shots of him holding the world in his hand in the way Rupert Murdoch only thinks he can do when he's off his meds. It's not clear if this shit is all in his head or even when the fuck this happens. As interesting as Gillen's perspective is, he does absolutely nothing to help with the lack of coherence in Avengers vs. X-men #12. Hell, he makes it worse on some levels because some of these scenes contradict what happened in the main series. But as I said in my Avengers vs. X-men #12 review, I've given up on expecting Marvel to make sense anymore.

But Gillen does expand on some moments. In Avengers vs. X-men #12, Cyclops got a brief visit from the shadowy figure of Jean Grey. She's the one that encouraged him to let the Phoenix go. Well in this issue, he pays a quick visit to the White Hot Room, or at least the door to it. From it, he appears to hear Jean Grey tell him he's an idiot and she likes the fact that she has a school named after her. Maybe that was part of what got him to let the Phoenix go, but it's a nice addition since Marvel has done so much to avoid using Jean Grey at all costs and resorting to making some shitty rip-off character that looks just like her. It still doesn't make sense of the vision he saw in Avengers vs. X-men #12, but a little extra Jean Grey references go a long way.

After he's done with this little god-trip, we flash forward to the aftermath. It's not a very smooth transition, but again this is an instance where the less reminders we get about how much Avengers vs. X-men #12 sucked the better. It's also another instance where it's not clear when this happens. It probably takes place before Cyclops had his little conversation/bullshit interrogation with Captain America, but again it's not clear and no one should expect it to be. In the same sense, nobody should expect Beast to be such a raging douche-bag. He's been condemning Cyclops as often as 15-year-old boy with an internet connection masturbates. And while offering no fucking alternative, of course. And this time he has plenty of blame to lay into Cyclops. He ignores the fact that Cyclops was right about Hope using the Phoenix to save the mutant race or the fact that it was the Avengers who provoked him in the first place. He just blames Cyclops in the same way Iran blames the Jews.

But there's one key detail that gets Cyclops's attention. Beast lets it slip that the Phoenix has completely undone M-Day and new mutants are emerging. Suddenly, Beast's bullshit is forgotten quicker than Flavor Flav's last reality show. Because that's what Cyclops focused on. Beast seemed to forget that the entire fucking point of this conflict was to undo M-Day with help from Hope and the Phoenix Force. And guess what? He succeeded. So suck it, Beast!

It leads to a very satisfying final panel where Cyclops walks out from whatever makeshift tent they were holding him in and he holds his head high. Sure, he killed Xavier. Sure, he fucked up the world (after turning it into a global utopia). But he succeeded in his mission. He saved the mutant race by being right about Hope and the Phoenix all along. Yet will Beast concede that? Fuck no! Will the Avengers concede that? Fuck no! But he knows it's true and anyone reading these books that hasn't had half their brains cut out know that too. So while Marvel has ensured that everyone in the comics thinks Cyclops sodomizes orphans in his spare time, in the grand scheme of things he won on some levels. Not in the Charlie Sheen sense, but he did save his species and Hank McCoy can suck his balls.

Reading Uncanny X-men under Kieron Gillen has done more than just given me an appreciation for guys with sexy British accents. Gillen does something in this comic that wasn't done in Avengers vs. X-men or most any comic Marvel has published throughout the course of this event. It fucking made sense. Gillen puts the same effort into telling the story of a character as he does in telling the story of a couple of cosmic powered mutants beating up an entire species of Mr. Sinisters. He finds a way to make it compelling both on a personal level and on that more primal level that compels us to watch with our tongues hanging out as shit blows up.

This issue also made me sad that Kieron Gillen will be leaving the X-books soon to make way for Brian Bendis and All New X-men. He did a good job of telling the story of Cyclops from the perspective of a guy who has been supercharged by a cosmic power and driven batshit crazy. You either have to be brilliant as fucked or high as fucked to tell that story. And since Kieron Gillen hasn't been arrested for pissing on a sheriff's boot at three in the morning, I'm assuming he's brilliant. His insight into Cyclops was a great summation of his journey through Avengers vs. X-men. The resulting aftermath with Beast was a great conclusion to that journey. Hell, it was more satisfying than the shitty conversation he had with Captain America in Avengers vs. X-men #12. At least it makes sense for Beast to be a complete asshole. And Cyclops should walk out feeling vindicated because he was right. Hope was meant to wield the Phoenix and she was meant to undo M-Day. He was right and he can give the finger to Captain America despite being arrested while Wanda Maximoff (who made this shit possible) is completely forgiven.

The most glaring issue here though is that there are moments which really don't line up at all with the main Avengers vs. X-men series. I'm inclined to label this a good thing since that series sucked elephant balls in the end. The encounter with Jean Grey along with the discussion with Beast was more incoherence in a series where incoherence is so concentrated that if it were a food additive it would give you cancer with one drop. And as good as Cyclops's conversation with Beast was, it really didn't add anything that Avengers vs. X-men #12 didn't already show. Cyclops was right and mutants are back. We get it. We don't need to be reminded in another comic. Even if Gillen tells it better, this is one instance we're painful reminders are just too painful.

Uncanny X-men #12 is still a good comic, although most of that goodness is ruined by the sheer shit storm that Avengers vs. X-men #12 unleashed. Gillen does his best to link up with it even when he shouldn't. It doesn't link up very well, but the details are compelling and it does have a more satisfying conclusion even if the circumstances are still fucked. I give Uncanny X-men #12 a 3.5 out of 5. Gillen had a pile of shit to work with and while he manged to make it shine somewhat, the stench will still make you vomit. But hey, a few lost meals for a Kieron Gillen Uncanny X-men comic is a fair trade in my book! Nuff said.

X-men #7 - Rebuilding Awesome

Before I begin, I'll point out the 800-pound-gorilla humping the couch that everybody probably noticed by now. Yes, I'm reviewing the latest issue of the new adjectiveless X-men series. I know it came out last week, but last week had so many major books coming out that one of them had to be pushed back. Since the X-men series earned itself a time-out with the shitty conclusion of Curse of the Mutants, this series was the odd man out. I also know that it would have made more sense to review this book first before I got to any books that came out this past week. Again, this X-men series lost my respect. It did the equivalent of taking a dump in my sandwich and calling it an exotic Mexican dish. Seeing as how I was looking forward to Brightest Day #19 more than the second coming of Christ, I pushed this title back again. Now I'm here and I'll review it. Don't bother pointing out my tardiness in doing so. Anyone who complains about it will be cursed with rectal warts.

I know I made a big deal about the failings of the first arc of this series. Marvel is full of a lot of smart people (who may or may not get high frequently enough) so they should know that when you release a series that's simply called X-men that the expectations for it will be high. To make a title in the same tradition of Chis Claremont and Jim Lee the title better be the comic equivalent of two lines of cocaine on the crest of Jenna Jameson's ass. Curse of the Mutants was the first arc and while it started off promising, it did a Hindenburg style crash coupled with a Kanye West/Taylor Swift incident. The arc ended in the way George W. Bush's presidency ended in that it didn't come fast enough and was marred by ineffectiveness.

Now it wasn't all bad. Curse of the Mutants did do a hell of a lot more than old W did to redeem itself. This arc led to the new Wolverine and Jubilee series, which turned out to be a freshly cut diamond encased in a layer of solid shit. It also didn't overthrow two nations and cripple the economy, so there's that. Also, it didn't kill anybody or muddle any of the characters in face-palming indignity (except for maybe Xarus) so the book did leave itself open to redemption. Now a new arc begins and this one brings with it the promise of something that won't fizzle out like Brett Favre's football career.

The theme of the new arc takes the X-men back to basics. The war against Bastion is over and mutants aren't going extinct anymore. So the idea is to get them back to being heroes again and playing a bigger role in the Marvel universe. It may not seem like a novel idea. A grade-school essay could probably come up with that idea, but it's the simplicity of the concept that makes it so appealing. Anyone who has grown tired of all the doom and gloom the X-men have faced since House of M has probably overdosed on Prozac by now. This may be a boon to your overpriced insurance plan. X-men #7 begins this arc with something that isn't ominous or some gloomy shit like that. It starts off with the X-men doing what they used to do back in the Lee/Kirby days, using their powers to save lives. Angel demonstrates just how simple and awesome this can be when he saves the life of a suicidal girl who tried to jump of the Golden Gate Bridge, which I assume means she never got a response from the letter and naked pictures of herself she sent to Robert Pattinson.

Aside from saving teenage girls from their irrational hormonal salves, Colossus flexes his muscle while protecting DC's copyright lawyers from a team of Joker wannabes who tried to rob a bank. Yeah, it's a little cliched. Some may roll their eyes and for those people, they deserve to get lasik surgery from a doctor with Parkinsons. This is X-men in their purest form, protecting people in a world that hates and fears them. Usually we only get this sort of shit in a flashback or a mini-series like X-men First Class. It takes a moment to realize that this is actually happening in a 616 X-men title. For some it means the meth has to wear off, but once it does it's startling in a good way.

All these heroics aren't just for the hell of it either. It's part of Cyclops's latest plan that doesn't involve fighting invading vampire armies or getting Emma Frost to dress up in a Phoenix costume. Now that the war is over, he's making a push to make the X-men heroes again rather than the equivalent an LA gang with crazy tastes in uniforms. Several issues ago in Uncanny they hired a PR firm to help them improve their image.

Wait...they hire a PR firm in Uncanny and don't do shit with it until this issue? I bring that up because it may confuse the hell out of some readers. Unless you've been following Uncanny, you won't get that little tidbit and you'll wonder who the hell the chick with the glasses is and why she looks like one of those secretaries in office porn videos. It makes for disruptive pacing, but once you get over it you see the reason for doing with the X-men what BP has been trying to do since they pained the Gulf Coast black. The idea is to make the X-men to San Francisco what the Avengers are to New York. So they track opportunities for heroic, be heroic, and make sure their heroics hits the media. It's not that different from what celebrities do except it's a hell of a lot more effective than a fundraiser.

For Cyclops, it's not about apologizing for the whole Bastion-encasing-the-city-in-a-giant-energy-dome ordeal or fighting-a-war-against-an-army-of-vampires type deal (although I'm sure it would help).  He wants the world to love the X-men. Not fear or respect them, but love them in the way they love Captain America or Brad Pitt. Their PR guru believes they can do this by utilizing social media like Facebook, Twitter, and the web to get the word out of their heroics before the assholes at Fox News smear them. It's a very modern and utilitarian approach to PR that worked for Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga. So why can't it work for the X-men? The world loves big and flashy shit. You can't get much flashier than the X-men. The sad part is if the X-men really existed in the real world, that would probably work. It's unusually relevant for a comic book that just had an arc about killer vampires.

So while the X-men have hot blonds in dresses doing the grunt work with the media, they make a push of their own. As anyone who works with PR knows, they're always bitching about getting material to work with. So as part of Cyclops's endeavor to make the world love the X-men, he gets Cypher and Warlock to find some problem that law enforcement can't handle and that the Avengers are too busy or too ambivalent to handle. They find a problem in the once place that the Avengers are too snooty to wage a battle in...the sewers. There's something brewing in the sewers of New York and it isn't the usual cocktail of rats, roaches, and the shit of eight-million-people pissed off for being stuck in traffic and having to pay a hundred bucks to park your car. I guess the way Cyclops sees it, if the world sees that the X-men are willing to literally wade through shit to get love then the world won't have any choice but to throw themselves at them like drunk college girls at Ben Rothlesburger's birthday party.

So they have their mission and Cyclops decides to send a small team to investigate. That team includes Storm, Wolverine, Gambit, and Emma Frost. Wait a sec...Emma Frost is going on a mission without Cyclops? Did I just take one too many shrooms again? I'm sorry if I'm making a big deal out of something minor, but for nearly a decade of X-men comics the only missions Emma Frost seems to go on are ones where she's arm candy for Cyclops or trying to protect her role as arm candy to Cyclops. Either his semen tastes like chocolate or she's growing into a Jean Grey 2.0. So it comes as a mighty relief that she decides to tag along with the team and not be Cyclops's trophy girl. Emma fans may start stroking themselves more than they already do at this news.

Beyond Emma's non-Cyclops oriented role, the team is small because the incident they're tackling is not the same as an army of vampires. It's a mystery in the New York sewers. That doesn't exactly require an entire legion of superheroes. So Emma, Wolverine, Gambit, and Storm seem like enough. They venture into the sewer with the same enthusiasm as kids venture into the dentist. It's rather humorous for Emma Frost, who is used to bathing in $700 an ounce perfume every night. She has some witty remarks along with the others, adding a nice contrast to the nature of the mission. Wolverine, Gambit, and Storm all have experience in sewer dwelling. It's nice to have someone who adds a little contrast while wearing skin tight outfits that show off big breasts.

They follow the trail Sherlock Holmes style if Holmes was a hobo. Then it gets a little confusing. On one undersized panel, something hits Gambit. Now when I say something I don't mean someone this time. There's no figure or shadow or even disembodied spirit. There's just this tiny little streak that no one else seems to notice and it's strong enough to knock Gambit down. Either it's the world's strongest firefly or the world's lamest clue. Maybe it's the weaker art, but it's really not clear what the hell happens and because it happens in such a small way it's easy to miss. You could gloss right over it and never knew it happened. I'm not sure if it's the result of being too subtle or too poorly organized.

Now after the confusion wears off, they keep navigating through the sewer. Again, it's really confusing what just hit them and there isn't even an ominous hint about what it could be. When the team finally does stumble across a clue, it's not ominous at all. They find the equivalent of John Wayne Gace's basement. Whereas the last arc involved killer vampires, this one seems to involve either zombies or partially minted mummies. I get the sense that the writers at Marvel are horror fans to an unhealthy degree.

Like so many horror movies before them, these decomposing corpses spring to life and attack. They're about as welcoming as a hung over Charlie Sheen. Evil Dead fans will get a treat here as the X-men channel their inner Bruce Campbell and fight their way through. It makes for some nicely developed action sequences, even if they are somewhat muddled by the dark ambiance. But they're in the sewers so it makes sense. As they fight, some additional clues seem to emerge. These Resident Evil rejects are fresh in the sense that they haven't been sewer dwellers for very long. It adds to a mystery. Even if it's not the most elaborate of mysteries, it's a hell of a lot more refined than just staring down an army of vampires and finding ways to make a 300 style battle scene. Sorry, but this is NOT Sparta.

The battle and the mystery unfold. Since the X-men have the benefit of superpowers and being alive and shit, they get the upper hand. So once they fight their way through, they look to take one of the creatures away for testing that may or may not involve an anal probe (remember, Emma Frost is with them so she may know a thing or two about that). They chase after one that tries to get away and then they meet another creature, but this one is more familiar. It leads to an end page that shouldn't be too surprising because it was hinted at on the freakin' cover. Whereas the last arc crossed the X-men over with their old (former) friend Blade, this one brings in everyone's favorite wall-crawler who likes to make deals with the devil and sacrifice his marriage. That's right, Spider-Man is in the X-books once again! He's on the same case as the X-men and assume he's not a clone, the seeds of another superhero crossover are sewn!

So here we are, a new arc in a series that fell flat on it's face with the first arc. While I was jaded after Curse of the Mutants, I didn't consider giving up this series after just one arc. The mission statement for this book is solid. Bringing the X-men into the greater Marvel Universe makes sense after shit like Second Coming and the Heroic Age. Starting it off by having the X-men fight a bunch of vampires qualifies as a it-seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time type deal or maybe a and-then-we-started-drinking-tequila- type deal. After reading this issue, I feel as though that this is the arc X-men should have started out with. It gets them back to basics. The X-men are playing the role of heroes again and are seeking to rebuild an image that was mired by assholes like Bastion. Getting them back to New York and bringing Spider-Man into the picture takes this simple concept and scales it up. X-men #7 takes this concept and makes it work.

Now I'm going to try and not base my criticism of this book completely on the bad taste left in my mouth by Curse of the Mutants. This book was good, but it did have some flaws. The art was a bit of a downgrade. It seemed a lot more sloppy and less refined in this issue than the previous arc. The incident with Gambit and the attack that drew the X-men into the lair of zombies was confusing and underdeveloped. The whole sewer investigation seems too subtle for the sake of being subtle. I get that it's dark and dingy in a sewer, but some extra details would have gone a long way.

In the end I'm left satisfied and relieved by X-men #7. It's like being constipated for a few weeks and then finally getting cleansed after eating a really good taco. This comic is that taco and it sets up a solid foundation for what could be a very exciting arc. I'm glad X-men is getting back to basics and no longer seeking to capture the tween crowd. For my final score, I give X-men #7 a 4 out of 5. This series still has a ways to go to match the quality of Legacy, Uncanny, or X-Force. At least it's starting to claw it's way back. Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 - Inconsequential Awesome

Your bullshit has consequences. That's not me talking. I'm quoting a Baltimore County judge with whom I'm on a first name basis unfortunately. I know better than most that when you do stupid shit like piss on the windshield of a cop car at four in the morning, you're going to get in trouble. Being drunk isn't an excuse. Not remembering how you woke up face down in a puddle of piss doesn't work either. You're ass is still going to be in trouble and if you're really unlucky, it's going to be the new semen repository for your cell mate.

The big difference between my drunken antics and what Cyclops did in Avengers vs. X-men is that I chose to get drunk and to accept those odd purple pills from the guy at the liquor store with a neck tattoo. Cyclops didn't choose to wield the Phoenix Force, nor did he choose to go Dark Phoenix after the entire fucking Marvel Universe ganged up on on him. That would be like someone sneaking up on me, injecting me with booze and PCP, pissing me off by insulting my mother and the size of my dick, and then letting me loose in a bar fight. Yet Cyclops has a shitty lawyer in the sense that he still ended up in jail, despite being completely right about the Phoenix saving the mutant race and being driven insane by the Avengers's bullshit. Now both his friends and his enemies hate his guts despite him being completely right on pretty much all counts. I'm not sure if that's a win, but I think that means he's not in a position to be anyone's bitch in prison.

But the consequences of Avengers vs. X-men go far beyond Cyclops. In wake of the bullshit ending that I had so much fun shitting all over, the entire Marvel universe has been affected and now it's being reshaped to make way for Marvel NOW! But as bad as Avengers vs. X-men was, it wasn't so bad that it made the Marvel universe unreadable. Hell, only one guy died and it was a character that had been MIA since he was shot in the fucking head a mere five years ago. Some characters got more screwed than others, but that's not the point. The point is the shit storm has passed and Marvel has a chance to reshape their universe for the better. And it all begins with Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1, courtesy of Kieron Gillen. His work on Uncanny X-men #19 showed that he was one writer who didn't have his head up his ass for much of Avengers vs. X-men. So he would be in the best position to tell the story about the aftermath.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 begins by reminding readers of some of the good that Avengers vs. X-men accomplished. Hell, one of the only notable gems things that came out of this shit mine was that it finally ended the pathetically contrived Storm/Black Panther marriage. This was one relationship that even Jerry Springer would call trashy out of the sheer circumstance surrounding it (or lack thereof). We find out that Black Panther still has some bitter feelings about their annulment because when the X-men fly to Wakanda to offer help, he shoots at them. That's only slightly less hostile than shoving divorce papers in Storm's face, but it still brings a non-alcohol induced smile to my face to see that this relationship is fucking over.

From bullshit relationships to bullshit imprisonment, Kieron Gillen also takes some time to explore how the Marvel universe is screwing over Cyclops. It's not enough they've killed his wife twice. They have to make him a criminal for doing shit that Wanda Maximoff did less than a decade ago, yet she remains free. But I've already ranted about that. This scene doesn't dwell on the bullshit reasons why Cyclops is in jail. It essentially describes the kind of prison life's in for. See, the Avengers just haven't been big enough assholes to date so they don't want to put him in a prison with other villains that have nearly destroyed the world and aren't named Wanda Maximoff. They instead put him in a new private prison, complete with advanced mutant shock collar technology and a guy who looks disturbingly similar to a George W. Bush. It's about as fucked up as it sounds and then some.

But aside from screwing Cyclops over in ways that don't yet involve prison rape, Gillen uses this to explore another important aspect of the post-Avengers vs. X-men world. With so many new mutants emerging, the world has to re-learn how to deal with them. It was all so much easier when there was less than 200 of them and they were just hanging out on an island. Now they have to worry about imprisoning them again and what better way to test their tyrannical ingenuity than testing it on the guy who nearly destroyed the world after making it into a utopia? It's bullshit, but it's pragmatic bullshit and shows that Gillen is actually putting some thought into this issue. If only Avengers vs. X-men had been that logical.

And since Avengers vs. X-men gave readers even more reasons to want to see Hope Summers horribly tortured in ways that only Todd Akin would approve of, an aftermath book wouldn't be complete without reinforcing that hatred. Now that Hope has fulfilled her destiny and helped re-power the mutant race (exactly as Cyclops predicted no less), what's left for her? What the fuck does she do? Captain America and the Scarlet Witch (who Hope punched in the nose no less), come to her to ask that very question. She basically says she wants to live a normal life. That's right. This bratty little cunt who ditched the X-men after they did everything to save her ass and didn't bat an eye when one of them was thrown in jail just wants to say "Fuck it, I'm done with this." It would be like Jesus saying, "Fuck this, I'm going to a Roman orgy." Again, you want another reason to hate Hope Summers? Well there you go. Now excuse me while I fantasize about taking a shit on her grave.

Not only that, we find out that Cable was MIA from Avengers vs. X-men because he just fucking left. After X-Sanction, he did absolutely nothing to affect Avengers vs. X-men despite having insight into the future. He left Hope a note, but all it said was "Don't come looking for me you little brat. I've had enough of your shit." Okay, so maybe it was nicer than that, but it would be completely understandable. While this feels like a complete omission, it's worth pointing out that Marvel already announced that Cable would be part of a new X-Force book and that his activity or lack thereof during Avengers vs. X-men would be explained in that book. So while it may have been glossed over here, Marvel hasn't swept that shit under the rug and called it burnt bacon.

Another issue aside from Hope being an even bigger bitch is the rest of the Extinction Team. At the end of Avengers vs. X-men, only Cyclops and Emma Frost were taken into custody. The rest of the team including Colossus, Magik, Danger, Magneto, and Namor are still unaccounted for. So the Avengers have been taking breaks from being complete assholes in the face of victory to try to hunt them down. Whether by karma or incompetence, they've failed every step of the way. There's a nice scene with Iron Man and Captain America attacking what they think is Magneto's location. But it turns out it's just another dead end. You have to assume that somewhere Magneto is watching and waving his dick at them while laughing his ass off.

Because of this inability to find the Extinction Team and the prospect of having to deal with a new mutant population, Captain America tries to get some more help out of Wolverine, who is still an embittered drunk. This is another instance where Gillen ties this book with Uncanny Avengers very nicely. It takes place after the funeral scene that was so poorly depicted, but the funeral is secondary to this scene. The main issue is Captain America trying to convince Wolverine to help the Avengers hunt down the Extinction Team. That, unfortunately, means him trying to convince Cyclops to help them. Because for some reason, Captain America thinks Cyclops can be convinced to turn on his teammates after the Avengers have treated him like shit and thrown him into a private prison whose warden has probably sucked half the dicks in Congress. He might as well try to convince Wolverine to go vegan because he says no and isn't polite about it, which helps make up for him being such a massive douche as of late...somewhat.

But there's another little twist to Captain America's visit. While discussing with Wolverine the difficulty he's been having in tracking down the Extinction Team, he mentions that he suspects someone on their side is helping them avoid capture. He just refuses to believe that the same team that shot the Phoenix with a giant gun and split it into five pieces is too incompetent to track down a bunch of wayward heroes/villains. Go figure. But Captain America points out that the longer the Extinction Team remains free, the more people are going to shit their pants over this new surge of mutants. He's not wrong even if he is an asshole, but it does open the door to another plot twist. Who could the traitor be? Who would still help Cyclops's team at this point when the Avengers have labeled him the worst human being since Hitler sodomized Doom? There isn't a hint as to who it could be, but it definitely opens the door to some intriguing stories.

The intrigue must have gotten to Wolverine because despite telling Captain America to fuck off when he asked him to talk to Cyclops, Wolverine goes behind his back and pays Cyclops a visit in jail. It's not a very jaw-dropping moment. But at least Wolverine brought beer with him so that earns him points in my book. Perhaps he's also interested in who the traitor is that's helping the Extinction Team or for all we know he is the traitor because he's finally realized what a douche he's been. But that shit would just be too awesome for Marvel to come up with. Wolverine is already pissed off at Cyclops for being able to put his penis inside Jean Grey for so long. This visit can only be another way for him to give Cyclops the finger before his cell mate does worse.

In terms of consequences, this issue wasn't so much a lesson as it was an insight into what consequences one could expect if the world were run by Donald Trump. By that I mean ex-spouses hate each others' guts and the people with power and influence determine who the true victim is. This issue expanded somewhat on what Uncanny Avengers did in that it showed how shitty Cyclops's situation has become. He went from sharing a bed with Emma Frost to sharing a jail cell and keeping his asshole clenched at all times. It also shows just how big an asshole Captain America and the Avengers are when it comes to victory. They'll give their enemies a fancy cell that doesn't involve shock collars, but when one of their hero buddies goes crazy with power and isn't named Wanda Maximoff they get sent to a private prison where shit like torture and sodomy aren't frowned upon. It makes for a lousy message and it does hurt the comic in many ways because like Uncanny Avengers it essentially ignores circumstances and double standards in the same way creationists ignore fossils.

That's not to say there weren't some good moments. One thing that this comic did that Uncanny Avengers didn't was give a sense of progression from the end of Avengers vs. X-men to the aftermath. Kieron Gillen addresses lingering issues from the event like the whereabouts of the Extinction Team, how the world is going to handle a massive influx of new mutants, and the new partnership between the X-men and the Avengers. Even though Avengers vs. X-men sucked and plenty of details were still ignored, you at least get a sense from this issue that Marvel is trying to address them as best they can. But since Avengers vs. X-men was supposed to be their best as well, that's probably not saying much.

Overall, Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 does partially succeed in exploring the consequences of Avengers vs. X-men. It only fails in glossing over certain plots like Cable and providing yet another reason for readers to wish Hope dies a horrible, horrible death. Everything else from the dialog to the art to the general pacing of the story is solid. It's not Kieron Gillen's best, but it is more readable and more enjoyable than Uncanny Avengers. That's still not saying much so I give this issue a 3.5 out of 5. If you're going to teach your kids about consequences, this is not the kind of issue to use as a guide. But if you're going to teach them how to follow-up a shitty story and why men like Donald Trump should never be in charge, this will do the job. Nuff said!