Saturday, August 3, 2013

All New X-men #15 PREVIEW!

Back in May, I did a quick post on the cover of All New X-men #15 and my stomach still hasn't forgiven me. And since my stomach has a tendency to be more vindictive than an  ex-girlfriend, here it is again.

It's like laxative for your stomach.
Well I'm still disgusted by the idea that Brian Michael Bendis might try to hook Jean Grey up with Beast after Chris Claremont showed in his prematurely canceled X-men Forever series that it's a shitty idea. I'm even more opposed to the idea given how recent issues of All New X-men have dropped no hints whatsoever that Jean Grey is interested in Beast or vice versa. Hell, Beast looked like he got more of a boner from the exotic properties of Silver Samurai's sword in the pages of All New X-men #14. There are a lot of dick jokes I could make about that, but I have too much respect for old Japanese samurai movies to do so.

Also, Brian Michael Bendis has shown a recent history of using deceptive covers. They may show one thing, but they don't actually happen in the book itself. Case and point:

This never happened.
It looks like O5 Cyclops and Havok were going to beat the everloving shit out of each other. In fact, they did the exact opposite. They hugged it out in a way befitting of a made-for-TV movie on Lifetime. So that cover was bullshit. Then there was this one:

Magneto learns to choke a bitch.
It looks like Magneto and Cyclops are finally going to throw down just like the good old days. But again, this shit doesn't happen. In fact, close to the opposite happens. They just have a friendly chat followed by some one-on-one training that I can't make a gay joke about sadly. There was fighting in this issue, but it did not come from Magneto and Cyclops.

With this in mind, that nauseating cover may not amount to much. But I'm never convinced. Like catching the clap from a hooker, it only takes once. I hope it's not All New X-men #15, especially since this is the last issue of All New X-men before the big Battle of the Atom event in September. But as my Uncle Dickjacker once said, "If hope were whiskey we would all have died of liver disease by now. Now where the fuck are my pants?"

And if you can look past the disturbing cover, there is another story that promises to unfold in All New X-men #15 that Brian Michael Bendis revealed months ago. This will be the issue that O5 Jean Grey finally confronts Rachel Grey, who for some reason hasn't noticed that her time displaced mother is now at the Jean Grey Institute. It's one thing to confront your mother from an apocalyptic future. It's quite another to confront her when she's a time displaced teenager as well. It's like Freaky Friday on crack that Lindsey Lohan hasn't smoked yet. It has so much appeal that my stomach might actually forgive me. And this past week, we finally got a preview of what we can expect.


There's no Beast, but it does show a teenage Jean Grey wearing only a towel so I consider that a win. And my penis will always have priority over my stomach. That's just the way it is. And I hope that in the end my penis is happier than my stomach. This is the last stop in the road until Battle of the Atom and I would like it if I didn't have another reason to hate Beast. Nuff said!

6 comments:

  1. Okay, Bobby freaking out over Robert making out with Prof Pryde is priceless.

    And I have to say, am I the only one slightly weirded out by that pairing? It seems to come out of nowhere back when WAXM started. I get the Kitty/Peter pairing is out due to Colossus being a total whackjob this cycle, but... Iceman? Sure, it kinda worked in X-3, but really, do you want to be taking ANY cues from that cinematic abortion?

    Oh, and completely and totally agreed on Jean/Hank. *shudder* It was a terrible idea when Claremont did it, and it's a terrible idea now. I'm praying rather fervently to any dark power that will listen that this is another "lying cover".

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    1. You're probably not the only one, but you probably are the only one bothered by it. Kitty/Bobby may not be an epic love affair, but at least it's palpable. Not like Jean and Beast. That shit is nauseating and Chris Claremont showed why in X-men Forever. I will need SO much booze to make me forget about that shit.

      Jack

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  2. I have a feeling Mystique plays into this somehow. Mystique looks like Jean and kisses Hank in front of Scott to piss him off and separate him from the group again. That is, of course, something like this DOES happen.

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    1. That would make the most sense, Mystique finding a new way of fucking with Cyclops other than giving him more boners. But Bendis rarely does things that make total sense so I'm not sure what to expect. I just hope it doesn't make me want to throw up.

      Jack

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  3. I feel like Bendis is trolling the audience a bit with this preview and I honestly kind of love him for it. The subtext is hilarious.

    From the looks of things I'm think Hank and Jean don't actually end up together. While there may be a touching moment here or there it so far looks like this issue is being played for laughs; one last hurrah before the BotA shit hits the fan.

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    1. I don't appreciate the trolling, but I hope that this cover, like many others, are total bullshit. I would much rather see Jean just have more awkward moments with Rachel. I think THAT would make for an awesome comic. But if Chris Claremont is willing to fuck up Jean Grey to the point of utter disgust, then Brian Bendis sure as hell is.

      Jack

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