Trial/Judgment Teasers - A Crossover That MIGHT Not Suck

I usually try not to get too excited about teasers for the same reason I try not to get excited about a trip to the dentist. At least with the dentist there's a slim possibility that I could get a dose of some awesome drugs. Historically, teasers don't hint at much other than more crazy shit is going to happen. But every now and then, I allow myself to become excited for the same reason I allow myself to try new strains of pot. While my brain cells may hate me, the buzz is worth it. So per our good friends at Bleeding Cool, here's a teaser that came out last week that's supposed to be a prelude to a big announcement at the New York Comic Con.

Trial/Judgement - Is It The Trial of Jean Grey?

Two teasers for something from Brian Bendis and Stuart Immonen.
Trial. Judgment. Is Sentence to follow?
But what is it? Well, back in February, we reported;

One specific plot point that Bendis mentioned, and which sounds like a big deal even to my naive ears, is that Jean Grey is going to be put on trial for war crimes.
“We’re going to introduce a galactic council that’s debating what to do with Earth. Along the line there’s going to be more… including a couple of Badoon leaders we haven’t met before.”

There will be a major crossover with All New X-Men as a result. Alien races are pissed she exists again.

Looks like we have an X-Men/Guardians Of The Galaxy crossover, with The Trial Of Jean Grey. All about Phoenix – or ripping apart the space/time continuum as well? Could Angela be a witness… or the prosecution?

So right after Battle of the Atom, the O5 have to go up against a bunch of aliens and a machine-gun toting Raccoon. Yeah, that sounds about right for the Marvel universe. O5 Jean Grey has already learned how fucked her future is. And now she might have to go on trial for crimes she hasn't even committed yet. That's like me getting a DUI while I'm still in a bar. It sucks, but given that 5 billion aliens died during the Dark Phoenix Saga when Phoenix had cosmic level PMS it's only logical that some aliens would be pissed off. She'll need one hell of a lawyer if this rumor is true and with Johnny Cochran dead, she may be fucked. I guess we'll find out at the New York Comic Con and if I'm sober enough, I'll report on it. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue #84: Cambrian Explosion Part 1 is LIVE!

It has all been building towards this. The X-men Supreme fanfiction series is entering one of its biggest events to date and just in time for the X-men’s 50th anniversary. X-men Supreme has taken many twists and turns since it began. It has also gone through some major upheavals with events like the Phoenix Saga, Overlord, and the election of President Robert Kelly. Now it is set to undergo an upheaval like no other. It’s a story that I hope will be a worthy celebration of the X-men’s 50th anniversary and make Stan Lee and Jack Kirby proud of what they have created.

A great many of the X-men’s biggest challenges have come from Magneto. Despite his long-standing allegiance with the X-men in the recent comics, he is still considered the X-men’s greatest adversary. No matter what happens over the course of the X-men, he has always made it clear that he’s willing to go to great lengths to protect the mutant race and ensure their dominance in the future. This is what has put him at odds with Professor Charles Xavier in nearly every medium of X-men and once again, this division will play out in X-men Supreme through this new arc, Cambrian.

Magneto and his mutant nation, Genosha, has been vulnerable lately. The election of Robert Kelly and the recent infiltration of his citadel by Captain Jack Freeman has forced him to step up his plans. This is what led him to send the Brotherhood of Mutants on a daring mission to steal a rare isotope from Worthington Industries. And despite the capture and arrest of Toad, he now has the final ingredient he needs to see his plan through. The details of that plan have been a mystery in X-men Supreme, but in this saga they’ll be revealed in a big way. And the ramifications of such a plan will have far-reaching consequences for the near and far future of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series.

X-men Supreme Issue 84: Cambrian Explosion Part 1

In addition, I wanted to add a little extra bonus for the beginning of this big event for the X-men Supreme fanfiction series so I did a quick update to the pics section. Specifically, I added a new batch of pictures in the sex X-ladies section for Jean Grey, Emma Frost, and Rogue. Given the role Rogue played in the previous arc, I think it's only fitting.

Rogue Pics

Jean Grey Pics

Emma Frost Pics

Like the X-men comics, I want X-men Supreme to have its share of big events. But unlike the X-men comics, I don’t want to overwhelm people with events. I understand that big events can become tiresome at times. This is one event where I feel like the time is right and it doesn’t need to be forced just because it’s the X-men’s 50th anniversary. I also hope it will reward longtime readers with a big payoff in terms of story. While I’m always looking to attract new readers to this fanfiction series, I am very appreciative of those who have stuck with this fanfiction series from the beginning. And for both new and old readers, it’s very important that you take the time to provide feedback for X-men Supreme. Either post it directly in the issue or contact me directly. I’m okay with either. Thank you all for helping to make the X-men Supreme fanfiction series so epic and I hope I continue to have that support as X-men Supreme continues to unfold. Until next time, take care and best wishes!

Jack

All New X-men #17 PREVIEW - New Details and Crazy Theories

It used to be pretty easy to figure out who the bad guys were in comics. If they had mustaches, sinister eyes, or were a horribly racist stereotype, then there really wasn’t much room for confusion. A guy like me could read a comic high as fuck and still figure out who needed to an omega level kick to the balls. Then Marvel had to get fancy with events like Civil War where heroes fight heroes and nobody was completely evil. It forced readers like me to be a lot more sober when assessing the story. This had its share of drawbacks, but it has led to complex and engaging stories.

X-men: Battle of the Atom is attempting to be more than just another clash between mutants and giant robots. It took pages right out of Civil War and Back to the Future, pitting past X-men with future X-men. But at around the halfway point in the story, it takes the kind of turn that will twist perceptions like a bad hit of LSD. Now there’s reason to believe that the future X-men who sounded all noble and righteous in trying to save the future might be lying out their asses. That reason was basically confirmed by the end of Wolverine and the X-men #36. Somebody here isn’t telling the truth and if a drunk like me can see that, then something done gone horribly wrong.

So far, details on what that horrible something is are vague at best and non-existent at worse. Fans tend to come up with some pretty fucked up theories when they aren’t given specifics. I’m sure there is already a contingent of fans that believe every one of the future X-men are Skrulls. But the next issue in Battle of the Atom, which happens to be All New X-men #17, adds some details to just how fucked the O5 X-men may be as Magik takes O5 Beast and Iceman to the future to meet yet another team of X-men. CBR recently posted a preview of issue, but it’s only going to raise more questions than answers.

CBR: All New X-men #17 PREVIEW
And for the record, it doesn’t discount the Skrull theory. I honestly don’t think there will ever be a Marvel event where some segment of fans don’t suspect that Skrulls are involved.

I’m going to try and not jump to conclusions, but since I’m a drunk I would probably have better luck passing a breathalyzer test on St. Patrick’s Day. If these are the real X-men, then those future X-men trying send the O5 back to the past might as well be the Brotherhood or something like them. This future where X-men and killer robots live in harmony must not be enough for them. It also implies that the O5 X-men actually do some good by staying in the present. And who the hell wants to tell a bunch of teenagers that they made the right call in defying what a bunch of competent adults tell them?

But what may be just as confusing is the brother/sister moment between Magik and Colossus. I seem to recall Magik trolling Colossus so horribly after Avengers vs. X-men that he would snap her neck and draw dicks on her face in permanent marker rather than accept her Soul Sword. Magik is still supposed to be the demon loving bitch that probably haunts Pat Robertson’s nightmares/wet dreams. Yet here she hugs the same brother she basically gave the finger to? I know teenage girls aren’t known for being rational, but this is pushing it.

At the very least, this preview gives me more reason to suspect that Xavier and his pack of future “X-men” are full of shit. One of them may still be a shape shifter. One of them may be using advanced telepathy to fuck with their perceptions. Or maybe there’s no shape shifting and telepathy at all and they’re just flat out lying. Whatever the case, they’re fucking with the O5 X-men in some way and they’re going to try and screw them over. Because that’s what happens in a book about heroes fighting heroes. When they’re not trying to bang each other, they’re trying to screw each other over and it looks like Battle of the Atom will have plenty of screwing for multiple timelines. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #12

When I started this blog, I had two options when it came to reviewing comics. I could either be serious, analytical, and critical. Or I could just get drunk and write down whatever fucked up thoughts come to mind. As with most endeavors in my life, I favored the option that gave me another reason to get drunk. I like to think that drunks offer a special kind of sincerity when they’re not picking fights with statues at three in the morning. I think that kind of sincerity is needed for certain comics, especially those that attempt to bridge the gap between two respective teams that get along about as well Israel and Iran. The X-men and Avengers haven’t exactly been sharing chocolates and blow since Uncanny Avengers began. Now they’re facing a nasty threat in the Apocalypse Twins and they have to stop trying to strangle each other long enough to stop it. So in my review of Uncanny Avengers #12, I try with my drunken sincerity to assess whether they succeed or fail in a way that’s awesome.

It’s going to be hard to be sincere when an issue starts off in a Nazi internment camp. That’s a bigger buzzkill than a pornstar puking in the middle of a scene. But in this case it tells an important part of the story for the Apocalypse Twins. As part of their fucked up upbringing, Kang made sure they got captured by the Red Skull, who has since used Charles Xavier’s powers to make mutants the main target for the Nazi’s next great genocide. Because one just is never enough for these people. It offers insight into the incredibly harsh world these two grew up in and the incredibly harsh parenting techniques that Kang employed. Sending kids to a Nazi internment is cruel on a level that would disgust even a Spartan.

Kang takes his douche-baggery to yet another level when he does absolutely jack shit when the Apocalypse Twins are caught by Ahab, who is akin to a Nazi rodeo clown who rounds up mutants trying to escape. But it isn’t enough to just shoot them or beat them with a stick as punishment. The Nazis never do cruelty halfway. So instead, Ahab has Uriel rip Eimin’s eyes out. Since she claimed to be the one that saw an opening and led Uriel to follow her, Eimin’s punishment is that she loses her eyes. It was already revealed earlier that she had no eyes, but finding out how she lost them makes it all the more disturbing yet all the more awesome.

With a childhood this fucked up, it almost seems merciful that all the Apocalypse Twins are trying to do is take every mutant off the planet so they can live peacefully in a space ark. They made this announcement in the previous issue to the whole world and there are even a few reactions from the other X-men teams since a stunt like this is sure to affect them. It certainly makes things awkward for Angel and Genesis, who are being kept in the dark despite their major role in the events that led up to this. It also gives some X-men another reason to hate Wanda Maximoff because only someone like her could be powerful enough to make shit like this work.

And it’s not an entirely invalid reason either. In the previous issue, the Scarlet Witch is in yet another shitty situation where she is being used by another manipulative asshole. But this time, no mind control is necessary. She is now willingly aiding the Apocalypse Twins, even after one of their horsemen, the Grim Reaper, has tormented Wonder Man. When she goes to meet up with him, she doesn’t even slap him in the face or kick him in the balls. He doesn’t even seem all that upset that Rogue snapped his neck the last time he attacked the Uncanny Avengers. Either he’s just that crazy or he’s one of those guys that doesn’t see a problem with a hot woman like Rogue being the one that kills him. I suspect it may be a little of both.

The Scarlett Witch then explains to Wonder Man just how fucked the mutant race is. She tells them all about how the Red Skull is going to use Xavier’s powers and those little tidbits about Arcangel blowing up an entire town and Wolverine running a secret kill squad to turn the world against mutants. She probably implies that Fox News will do most of the work. And the only way to save the mutant race from being on the Nazi shit list is to abandon the planet. It sounds crazy. Wonder Man is very keen on pointing that out. However, the alternative is trying to reason with a Nazi armed with Charles Xavier’s telepathy and some very inconvenient facts on his side. She thinks that is a losing battle and I honestly can’t say I blame her. In a world that despises minorities because they may or may not be taking jobs that nobody else wants to do, there’s not much room for reason.

But not everyone is as pessimistic as the Scarlett Witch. Wasp, Havok, and Captain America are still not willing to let a couple of deeply disturbed twins do a massive cut and paste for an entire race. So they go to work launching a covert attack on the Akkaba Society. Along the way they take out a few supporters of the Apocalypse Twins while revealing that some are just looking forward to the exodus from Earth for better chances at getting laid. Wasp also reveals that she tried some disturbing methods to spice her marriage up with Ant Man before it failed. I would have liked to know how disturbing those methods were and so would my penis, but it’s nice to see a little crude humor in a story that started in a Nazi internment camp.

Their mission is pretty basic. They need to destroy the special barrier that the Apocalypse Twins have set up to keep anyone from the future from traveling back in time to stop them, most notably Kang. It’s like putting a restraining order on alcoholic father looking to borrow money and enforcing it with deadly ninjas. It still relies on trusting Immortus, but at this point they would probably trust a Nigerian prince if they believed he could help them stop the Apocalypse Twins.

The biggest (and loudest) obstacle in their way is Banshee, who is now a horseman of Apocalypse. Given how he died back in Deadly Genesis, I think he has every reason to be pissed off. He even goes out of his way to berate Captain America for having Irish immigrant parents who changed their name just to be accepted. I’m not sure if that’s an effective way to berate someone. I think Banshee would have just been better off by pointing out how he missed the era of free love and available weed in the 60s. He still makes up for it by screeching into his ears. It gives Havok a chance to a slightly less bigger douche while flirting with Wasp in the process. For a guy who has been about as likable as rectal wart lately, this is overdue. That and I think Wasp really needs to get laid.

I think the Scarlet Witch needs to get laid too, but for very different reasons. She and Wonder Man continue their discussion on the ark that is supposed to contain all mutants for the foreseeable future. It’s a very emotional conversation and not just because these two have a history of helping each other get laid. The Scarlet Witch laments at how she was responsible for nearly wiping out the entire mutant race and forcing mutants to abandon Xavier’s dream. She also laments at how she wasn’t strong enough to resist Dr. Doom’s influence. Now she has to use her powers to fuck with reality again to get every mutant off the planet. Wonder Man tries to convince her that there’s another way, but the Scarlet Witch is just not in a position to be that optimistic anymore. She’s Magneto’s daughter and she’s a mass murderer. Who could blame her for not being optimistic.

In the end she convinces Wonder Man to help her carry out one more big reality-warping spell to bring all mutants to the ark. She even cock-teases him, using his feelings for her to make him promise that he’ll help her. And when a pretty woman that he has seen naked makes that kind of request, he’s powerless to stop it. I don’t blame Wonder Man for agreeing, but at the same time I find the Scarlet Witch’s wining to be really annoying. She flat out takes responsibility for all the bullshit she caused when she went crazy with M-Day, yet she’s still a fucking Avengers while they’re trying to throw Cyclops in jail. I know I’ve done enough drunken rants on this topic to fill several blogs, but it’s worth bringing up again because this sort of shit is getting old. Either it’s a bullshit double standard or it isn’t. And the longer it goes unaddressed, the more shitty it smells.

But I digress and for once it’s not because of a potent strain of weed. The Apocalypse Twins basically stacked the deck against the Scarlett Witch and Wonder Man because they revealed they already know their final decision. Not only is Wonder Man going to keep his promise, he apparently ends up earning a permanent place inside Wanda Maximoff’s panties. It means that he’ll come out a winner and so will the Apocalypse Twins. Yet what makes it a powerful moment is that it still doesn’t seem like the kind of sinister dick move manipulation that the Red Skull employed. The Apocalypse Twins seem to really believe that this will protect the mutant race. Even though the rest of the Uncanny Avengers are trying to stop them, it’s not a typical good vs. evil battle like it was with the Red Skull. It makes the conflict tense in a new way, as if trying to decide between two equally attractive hookers. It’s a tough decision, but one that most don’t mind making.

Whichever side ends up victorious, the Apocalypse Twins make sure Kang is the one with the sorest asshole in the end. With their own future seemingly sealed, they appear before Kang in the future where they troll him in ways that can’t be found outside an internet message board dedicated to One Direction. They basically tell him that they’re not just going to torment him. They’re going to erase his sadistic ass from all of history. Considering that this is the same guy who let them come of age in a Nazi internment camp, it’s not nearly the worst act of vengeance they could choose for him. Hell, it’s pretty damn tame. Kang is still pissed, but so far he’s the biggest asshole in this arc so he can be just as pissed as the Red Skull for all I care. That helps make the ending of this issue all the more satisfying.

The biggest strength of Uncanny Avengers is its epic scale. It has become about more than just a very dysfunctional superhero team comprised of X-men and Avengers. This is a series where the X-men and Avengers actually need to work together to take on big threats like Kang and the Apocalypse Twins. And more than that, these threats don’t just involve the Red Skull taking Hitler cos-playing to an excessive extreme. There is a true dilemma here for the mutant race and nobody comes off as too big a douche, except for Kang. Reading this comic sober made me feel genuinely torn about who I should be rooting for, but for some reason that just made the epic struggle throughout Uncanny Avengers #12 so awesome. I give this issue a 9 out of 10. So many awesome forces are converging in this story. It couldn’t be more epic without Rogue and Wasp showing her tits. That may be too much to ask for, but this is one of those stories that doesn’t need the power of tits to be awesome. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine and the X-men #36

I don’t pretend to be completely objective in my reviews. I’m sure if I was sober when I wrote them they might be a little more balanced, but who gives a shit about being balanced in the era of Facebook, Twitter, and Fox News? My reviews are meant to appeal to those seeking the assessment of someone whose thoughts are more twisted than bulimic Russian gymnast. I also don’t pretend that the thought of two beautiful women engaging in the psychic equivalent of a street fight doesn’t give me a boner. So please try to keep that in mind as I review Wolverine and the X-men #36. I fully expect my penis to share a good portion of the criticism over the course of this review and while my brain may not always agree, I’ve only got enough blood to use one at a time as I assess the midway point of X-men Battle of the Atom.

I suppose a penis works the same way as a psychic mind in the sense that multi-tasking is damn near impossible. O5 Jean, Xorna, and Emma Frost can’t do battle and keep the rest of the X-men paralyzed at the same time. That’s probably akin to doing a crossword puzzle while trying to stop a hungry wolf with a taste for testicles. It makes for a somewhat awkward moment between O5 Cyclops and his older self where they now have to watch this psychic battle, but to them it just looks like these women are having a contest to see who can look the most constipated. At least the older Cyclops is smart enough to uncover that Xorna is actually Jean, but not the Jean Grey he married. He reveals that she’s just O5 Jean if she never went back to the past. How he figured that out while even Rachel, her own daughter, and Wolverine, the guy obsessed with boning her, couldn’t is downright fucked up. But it’s a fitting kind of fucked up.

Not being psychically paralyzed also has another important benefit. It frees them up to take on the present and future X-men, who arrive on Utopia in time to take yet another stab at convincing them to hand over O5 Cyclops and Jean. It’s like trying to teach evolution to Pat Robertson at this point. And it only ends up with Wolverine and Cyclops giving each other the same dirty look they gave during Schism. That’s not a bad thing since Schism was so fucking awesome, but like masturbation while standing in line at the DMV, it’s hardly the time or the place.

O5 Cyclops effectively cuts off the argument before it could erupt again by blasting Wolverine. And also like masturbation, that shit hasn’t gotten old yet. So after all the running and awkward moments that led to him and O5 Jean seeing each other get dressed, he’s finally pissed enough to fight back. I suppose seeing boobs will do that to any teenage boy. It’ll only make them more determined fight for an opportunity at preserving the memory of those boobs.

But this isn’t the battle my penis has been waiting all week for. The big draw of this issue is Jean Grey vs. Emma Frost Round 2, a battle between two sexy psychics who hate each other’s guts and need little reason to rip out each other’s eyes and frame them. It has all the makings of the most epic psychic battle in the history of the mind. Unfortunately, it’s not even as epic as the last Vin Diesel movie. Now maybe I had unreasonable expectations because unlike the first round, Emma’s powers are broken. She has the Stepford Cuckoos at her side, but they’re just three teenage girls in sexy school girls outfits. Unless Xorna/Jean is a perverted anime fan, that’s not going to be enough to pwn a woman capable of wielding the Phoenix Force.

Xorna really doesn’t seem to break a sweat in taking Emma Frost down in ways that will have hot blonds everywhere mourn like the closure of their favorite hair solon. That’s not to say the battle doesn’t have some revealing moments. While Emma looks more humiliated than a girl who had her first period in the middle of a dance recital, Xorna hints that her anger over being only Cyclops’s second greatest love is pointless. She also hints that if her younger self doesn’t go back, some really shitty things will happen to both her and Cyclops. Not many details are given, which is another part of what made this battle so underwhelming. I get that the future is fucked up, but without details there’s only so much my penis can do with it.

It’s part of a much bigger problem that becomes way too apparent in this issue, even for a drunk. The future X-men are just way too fucking vague on what why the future is so fucked. Even Kitty Pryde and Rachel Grey, who did a total 180 after being all for sending the O5 X-men back to the past, find that distressing as they’re basically barred from participating in the battle. That doesn’t stop Rachel from calling out Kate Pryde, who she knew in the Days of Futures Past timeline, about how their approach makes less sense than the Dark Knight Rises. She basically went from someone who fought in a world where all mutants were fucked to ganging up on a couple of teenage mutants. That’s like Ghandi going from a hunger strike to kicking dirt in the face of a kid on the beach. Yet still, we don’t get any details that make it less fucked up.

To their credit, the present and future X-men do their best to avoid coming off as every bully in every Karate Kid movie ever made. O5 Cyclops and his older self fight together against the present and future X-men. It makes for a pretty awkward moment between both teams, so much so that Beast actually laments on what a dick move it was to bring the O5 to the present in the first place. Since it’s a little late to wipe away the shit he’s done, he still comes off as a total douche. It still makes for a fitting moment where O5 Cyclops and his older self work together, but not before O5 Cyclops reminds him that he still hates what he has become and will do everything he can to not be him when he grows up. It’s fitting, yet awkward in a very appropriate way.

Conversely, O5 Jean is now all alone in her battle against Xorna/Jean. With Emma Frost now out of the picture, she’s the only one who can stop herself. Again, it’s awkward yet fitting. And since O5 Jean’s powers aren’t broken, she fares much better against Xorna. Even though Xorna is supposed to be a more experienced psychic, she’s going up against a version of herself that is being fueled by teenage melodrama and raging hormones. It’s like the Hulk battling She-Hulk when she’s on her period. It’s an ugly battle. It’s still not as epic as it could be, but that doesn’t make it any less satisfying.

With so many battles going on, it’s easy to forget that O5 Iceman and O5 Beast are still part of the story. They were basically left behind to watch TV and change Shogo’s diapers while the others went after O5 Cyclops and O5 Jean Grey. Yet even they seem suspicious of the future X-men. That or watching too much reality TV has destroyed their hope for the future anyways. They finally get in on the action when Magik, who went MIA abruptly in the previous issue, shows up to take them to the future. Magik had already visited the future in the very first scene of Battle of the Atom. She’s in a position to know how full of shit the future X-men may be. So rather than relying on a Google search, she offers to take the two of them to the future. O5 Iceman even makes a subtle Back to the Future 2 reference, which helps alleviate any sentiment some may have about there being way too much time travel in the X-men comics.

While it’s nice to see some dangling plots from the previous issue get addressed, the biggest moment in this issue comes from the psychic battle between O5 Jean and Xorna. It ends up being way bigger than the battle between Jean and Emma, which may or may not disappoint some. I know my penis is disappointed, but in terms of the story this battle leads to a major turning point. So far, O5 Jean has been pretty damn stubborn about not going back to the past. She’s not going to be convinced that she should go back unless she sees a damn good reason. Well in battling Xorna, she gets that reason and changes her mind faster than Mitt Romney during an election year.

In the course of the psychic battle, O5 Jean chides her older self in trying to determine what made her such a bitch. Xorna refuses to reveal the details, saying it’s not safe for a teenage girl. I could probably say the same thing about giving a teenage girl her ex-boyfriend’s Facebook password. But that doesn’t stop O5 Jean from forcibly prying the information out of her mind. And when she sees it, it’s so fucking terrifying that she can’t get to the past fast enough. Again, there are no details whatsoever. How bad could it have been? Did she have sex change at some point? Do all mutants become slaves on a reality show run by Donald Trump? There’s no fucking hint whatsoever at what it may be and it’s pretty fucking annoying.

Whatever she saw, it was enough for O5 Jean to end the battle and convince O5 Cyclops that it was time to go back to the past. And since he saw her tits, he’s going to do whatever she says. She even stops Deadpool when he’s in the middle of giving a speech about how fucked the future is. But once again, there’s another hint that the future X-men may be bullshitting their past selves. It’s still hard to get too excited when there are no details whatsoever on the extent of how fucked or unfucked this future is. For all we know, it’s just bad because Ted Cruz became President. There’s really nothing to go on.

When this comic was first solicited, it hinted that there would be a major twist at the end. Well, it has been a while since I saw the Sixth Sense, but I still remember what a big twist in a story feels like and I didn’t get that feeling here. All I saw was O5 Iceman and Beast follow Magik into the future where they meet yet another team of future X-men. And for some reason, they have a bunch of sentinels on their side and the Jean Grey Institute is still intact. I’m pretty sure that doesn’t constitute an apocalyptic future. I’m also pretty sure this is further proof that the future X-men are bullshitting their past selves. I’m just not sure if this qualifies as a twist I should get excited about. Maybe it’s just the disappointment my penis is still feeling, but I didn’t feel all that surprised by this ending. I just felt confused and that’s not a good feeling after multiple bong hits.

This issue offers a harsh reminder of why it’s not always a good idea to read comics while stoned. It’s easy enough to get confused by the smell of the ink and how it smells like Doritos. It’s much harder to understand where the bullshit ends and the lies begin. This issue was heavy on action, much more so than previous issues. That made my penis happy to some extent, albeit not as much as I had hoped. But the deceptive undertones made me interpret this comic the same way a dog interprets a fake hot dog. I get that someone is lying and someone is trying to screw the O5 X-men over. I’m just not sure why I should be as shocked as a kid that just discovered internet porn. Wolverine and the X-men #36 keeps the plot moving forward. For that, I give it a 6 out of 10. It just does so in a way that leaves way too much to the imagination and for an imagination like mine that turns my ex-girlfriend’s old sex toys into bongs, that’s downright dangerous. Nuff said!

Dramatic Reminders: X-men #5

The following is my review of X-men #5, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

It’s easy to forget that everyone was an awkward teenager at some point in their lives. Being a teenager is akin to being a young bird that’s still learning to fly. However, birds don’t have to deal with their raging hormones, reckless impulses, and bodily changes that would put most caterpillars to shame. They also don’t have to deal with an army of adults that can’t stand the notion of trusting teenagers to make responsible decisions. Whether it’s because of their own experience as or because they’ve forgotten what it was like to be young, adults often try to make big decisions for teenagers and teenagers usually don’t like that.

This is the situation that the time displaced Cyclops and Jean Grey have to confront in “Battle of the Atom”. Now the adults are essentially taking their decision to stay in the present out of their hands and like Sir Isaac Newton’s Third Law of Motion, their actions have prompted an equally opposite reaction from the two young teenagers. In X-men #5, this reaction manifests in a way that would frustrate most responsible adults while reminding others that teenage melodrama is like a beehive. Disturbing it the wrong way and it’ll only make things worse.

Each part of the “Battle of the Atom” event has focused on elements of the story, but the main plot has not changed. The X-men are trying to preserve their past and save their future by sending the Original Five X-men back to their own time. At first, the X-men from the present and the future are united in their efforts. They share resources and manpower to track down a teenage Cyclops and Jean Grey. After the shocking revelations in the first two issues, nobody seems to be thinking critically about what they’re doing. They’re basically trying to hoard a couple of deeply distressed teenagers into doing something they don’t want to do. Even with the aid of future knowledge, that’s every bit as daunting as an attack from an army of Sentinels.

But as X-men #5 unfolds, the mission becomes secondary to the drama it inspires. Throughout this issue, Cyclops and Jean Grey don’t act like the mature superheroes that inspired generations of X-men. They act like teenagers. They find themselves in some beautifully awkward moments that don’t involve killer robots or mutant powers. Everything from raging hormones to complicated emotions plague them at every turn. And they have to deal with this while trying to avoid detection from a team of adult X-men equipped with resources the NSA could only dream of. It’s like trying to impress a date while being chased by hungry wolves, but that doesn’t keep them from sharing a few dramatic moments.

These moments help add some emotional resonance to a story that has already had plenty of emotional moments. These moments feel somewhat overdue and Jean even admits this in the issue, admitting that she had been treating Cyclops as if he had the plague since they arrived in the future. Like many teenagers, she made some overly simplistic judgments about Cyclops based on what his future self did and had some overly emotional reactions. However, they still trust each other in the same way they have trusted each other since the earliest days of Uncanny X-men. For an entire generation of readers that only know Cyclops and Jean Grey as the overly responsible adults, it serves as a pleasant reminder that they weren’t always the uptight role models that have to come back from the dead every few years.

Since “Battle of the Atom” is meant to be the X-men’s 50th anniversary event, it’s fitting that it brings two of the most iconic X-men back to their roots. Like the cantankerous old men on Fox News who complain about today’s youth, many readers forget that Cyclops and Jean Grey were teenagers at some point. And in their youth, they embodied the spirit of Charles Xavier’s dream and a big part of that dream was self-determination. Now they are fighting to determine who will decide their fate, even if it means risking the integrity of the timeline. While most of the X-men aren’t content to leave this determination in the hands of a couple of teenagers, some understand their overly dramatic reaction more than others.

This leads to a pivotal turning point in this issue and in “Battle of the Atom” as a whole. Some of the present X-men start to question the intentions of the future X-men. They may not sympathize with two teenagers putting an entire timeline at risk, but they do have a problem with forcing them to accept their fate. This stirs up the first round of tension between the present and future X-men, which allow Cyclops and Jean to continue running. Because as most teenagers probably know, when adults start arguing, their capacity to harass them diminishes.

The growing tension and the unfolding drama help give X-men #5 a special kind emotional resonance. The action never goes beyond an extended chase that probably wouldn’t make the final cut in any of the Fast and the Furious movies, but impact is still on par with the rest of “Battle of the Atom”. There are times, however, when plot flows inconsistently and a number of scenes are a bit underdeveloped. But it still moves the story forward in a compelling way.

Every great superhero was an awkward teenager at some point. But even for those who weren’t born with superpowers, these awkward years were very influential. The Original Five X-men began their path as teenagers. Between near-extinction and spats with other superheroes, it’s easy to forget that the X-men went through these formative phases. And after 50 years, they still make for a compelling narrative and despite their awkwardness throughout X-men #5, Cyclops and Jean Grey are still the best embodiments of that narrative.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

X-men Supreme Issue 84: Cambrian Part 1 PREVIEW!

It's a very special time for X-men. Marvel is celebrating the X-men's 50th anniversary with X-men Battle of the Atom, which promises to be a significant turning point for the series. As such, it's only fitting that I prepare a similar event for the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. I've already had some pretty significant events throughout the course of X-men Supreme. Events like Overlord, the Phoenix Saga, and Uprising were all significant moments that had a profound impact on the course of X-men Supreme. Well now another big event is set to begin and make no mistake, it'll have a profound impact on the immediate and distant future of this fanfiction series. And I call this event Cambrian.

If the name of the event sounds unfamiliar, it should. This is not an event that I've derived from a major X-men story in the comics. It isn't a remake or retelling of a classic X-men story. This is an event that can't be found anywhere else besides X-men Supreme. That in and of itself makes it both special and ambitious. One of the challenges I've had with X-men Supreme is balancing out novel concepts with more familiar stories that X-men fans know and love. Stories like Overlord and the Phoenix Saga were both derived from existing X-men stories. But this is one story that I hope will help set the X-men Supreme fanfiction series apart from the comics, cartoons, and movies. Now there will always be a place for X-men stories derived from the classic comics, but this event will be something unique that I hope will be worthy of the X-men's 50th anniversary.

Like so many other major events throughout the history of the X-men, Cambrian is directly the result of a bold plan by Magneto. He has kept a fairly low profile since the events of Kings and Tyrants. He is still the undisputed leader of Genosha and a major concern for every country in the world. But he has never stopped plotting. He has always had plans for the mutant race, but the events of Issue 75: Renegade changed the stakes. In that issue, Captain Jack Freeman attacked his Citadel on Genosha and stole Magneto's helmet. His family, his home, and his country were suddenly vulnerable. Now he is willing to take a huge risk to protect the future of the mutant race. The consequences of that risk will have global implications and the world of X-men Supreme will never be the same. And it all begins in a week! I've prepared an extended preview of what can be expected of this pivotal event in the history of X-men Supreme.

Quentin looked at Magneto strangely. The Master of Magnetism reached into his pocket and pulled out a small test-tube that was heavily sealed. Inside was a brownish, silvery substance that Quentin had never seen before. It was hard to tell, but it looked like it was moving. Whatever it was, Magneto held it up carefully.

“This is what you are looking for,” said the master of magnetism, “Or more accurately, you’re looking for the rest of this unique organism.”

“That’s it?” scoffed Quentin, “You want me to find some big hunk of pond scum?”

“I assure you this is not mere scum. It is the key to the salvation of the mutant race!” said Magneto sternly, “Now cease your mockery and look closer at this vile! You’ll sense it is very much alive.”

Quentin was still skeptical, but Magneto’s stern tone made him think twice about questioning him. He placed his hand on the glass vile and scanned the mysterious substance. To his amazement, Magneto was right. This thing was alive. When he used his telepathy to scan it, he saw it shake violently. It even started glowing. For such a small sliver, it had quite the signature.

“Whoa…I must be slipping or something. I could swear there’s actually a mind in this stuff!” said Quentin.

“Oh it has a mind, Mr. Quire…one very different from what you’re used to,” said Magneto as he pulled the vial away, “This is but a small trace. I theorize that there is a much bigger mind wherever the rest of this organism is residing. That is what I need you to find. Locate the mind and I’ll do the rest.”

“It would be an honor and a welcome challenge!” said Quentin as he eagerly made his way to the Cerebro chair, “Strap me in and beam me up! I’m officially curious about what this mind has to offer!”

Quentin couldn’t get himself ready fast enough. Magneto welcomed his enthusiasm, if only to speed up the process. Using his magnetic powers, he locked Quentin into a specially designed chair with various tubes and wires going into. On top was the special helmet that acted as the main interface for the system. It worked just like the one Charles Xavier used, but he never used it like this.

As soon as Quentin was strapped in, Magneto activated the systems on a nearby computer console and stepped back. The helmet lowered itself onto Quentin’s head and various lights and monitors came to life. By the time he was behind the glass barrier with the rest of the Brotherhood, all systems were powered up and ready for the scan. A holographic map of the world was projected onto a nearby screen, offering an unabated view of all the possible locations of this organism.

“The scan can begin in ten seconds, Quentin,” announced Magneto, “Remember the signature from the sample. Once you find it, get a solid fix on it and the location will show up on the map.”

“Shouldn’t take more than a few minutes!” grinned Quentin, “A mind like this should definitely stand out.”

Magneto waited impatiently as the countdown began. The rest of the Brotherhood watched eagerly, not knowing what to expect.

“This is what he’s been after all this time?” mused Polaris, “What could he possibly do with some exotic hunk of goo?”

“You’re his daughter, Lorna. If you don’t know, then none of us know,” said Havok, “I’ve always been a what-the-hell kind of guy. He says it’ll do something for our kind. I say we take the ride.”

“Wish I had your thrill-seeking attitude, Alex,” she sighed.

Polaris wasn’t the only one showing some nervousness. Wanda and Pietro also had their reservations. Being kept out of the loop was an unfamiliar feeling. Usually, their father shared everything with them. They could understand being extra careful with the X-men and all the navies of the world bearing down on them, but it didn’t make them feel less anxious.

“We’re almost finished, my children,” he assured them, sensing their demeanor, “I promise it will all make sense very soon.”

“I would feel a lot better if I knew the risks we’re dealing with here. You know how I am when it comes to taking chances,” said Wanda.

“Oh come now, Wanda. You know I’m never one to play the odds when they aren’t in my favor,” said the Master of Magnetism as he watched Quentin prepare himself, “I’ve taken all the necessary precautions. There will be no confrontations this time. This affair will be swift and clean.”

“Sounds boring,” commented Pietro, “Since when do we shy away from a fight?”

“We’re not backing down from any fight, my son. We’re just fighting smarter.”

Magneto used his powers from behind the barrier to flip a few more switches. The lights throughout the throne room flickered as the Cerebro components hummed ominously. Within seconds, Quentin Quire was immersed on a new psychic realm. A mysterious blue halo of energy formed around his head as his powers expanded to levels he had never felt before.

“This is awesome!” said Quentin intently, “I wonder if this is how God’s mind feels when he’s feeling out the world he created?”

“You can play around on the psychic plane later, Mr. Quire. Can you find the mental signature of the sample?” asked Magneto impatiently.

“With this thing, I could find the holy grail with half a brain cell!” he boasted, “Give me a few minutes! I’ll find your goo’s mental imprint!”

Quentin’s expression tensed as the grin on his face grew wider. He was clearly enjoying this new power boost, if not a little too much. The monitors showed plenty of activity. Whether or not he was just goofing off was hard to tell, but he was definitely searching for something. Magneto kept a close eye on the map of the globe, watching as various flashing dots appeared across the landscape. After a few seconds the dots became more ordered and focused, narrowing their activity around an area just north of Australia.

“Yes…I sense something. It’s close! It’s powerful!” Quentin seethed, “Ooh, this is too cool! Give me a few more seconds while I…”

Suddenly, every monitor in the room started flashing ominously. The bluish halo hovering over Quentin’s head erupted into a blinding burst of energy. It was so bright Magneto and the Brotherhood had to look away.

“Uh…is this supposed to happen?” asked Pyro.

“No…it isn’t!” said Magneto grimly.

What happened next caught even the Master of Magnetism by surprise. In another round of pulsing light, the wires and tubes going into the helmet literally exploded in a series of miniature bursts. All the monitors started flashing chaotically, engulfing Quentin Quire in a painful wave of shocks. However, when he cried out in pain he didn’t sound like the same 18-year-old boy that first entered.

“ERRRRRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Wanda! Cut off all power before…”

This is a very important event for the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. As X-men Supreme has grown, I've taken it in many different directions. I still treat it as though Marvel is looking over my shoulder at every turn and it is my sincere hope that I can create a series that X-men fans of all kinds can view on the same level as the comics or cartoons. To maintain that quality, it's very important that people take the time to review my work and post feedback. Please know that I will always respond to those who contact me. I want to make X-men Supreme the best fanfiction series it can be. And for the X-men's 50th anniversary, I can accept nothing less than awesome. Until next time everybody, take care and best wishes! Excelsior!

Jack

Wolverine and the X-men #36 PREVIEW - Telling Hints and Epic Battles

It's a good sign when a comic book arc is so awesome that even the previews get the blood pumping and the panties soaked. That or it could be a bad batch of blow. I'm going to assume it's a little a both. X-men Battle of the Atom is nearing the halfway point and so far it has succeeded in telling an epic time travel story that doesn't suck and doesn't involve Michael J. Fox. The struggle between the past, present, and future X-men effectively encompasses all the right elements of what it means to be X-men. Going all the way back to the first issue 50 years ago, this story has embodied so much of what has made X-men awesome of the past few decades. However, I think even Jack Kirby himself would be a little anxious about fans looking forward to an issue that involves two beautiful women engaging in a psychic brawl. And the promise of that brawl is what should get everyone excited about Newsarama's preview for Wolverine and the X-men #36, which marks the fifth part in the event and the convergance of multiple clusterfucks.

Newsarama: Wolverine and the X-men #36 Preview

But it's not just the promise of "Emma Frost and Jean Grey: The Epic Rematch That Countless Male Fans and their Penises have been Waiting for" that gives the next issue its appeal. It's worth mentioning again to those who have good pot dealers that this is the halfway point. There's still a whole other half of comics to fill this event with awesome. So as important as the Jean/Emma rematch is, it is NOT the final showdown.

  

The preview doesn't reveal much about the battle between Emma and Jean Grey. But if Cyclops is right (and let's face it, this man is an expert in telepaths given the ones he's banged), then the battle between Xorna/Jean, Emma Frost, the Stepford Cuckoos, and O5 Jean Grey should be more epic than the final battle scene in Lord of the Rings: Return of the King and the Chitari invasion in the Avengers movie combined. We don't get to see it, but I'm pretty sure that's just Marvel being a cocktease and like my dick at a strip club, I don't think anyone minds waiting for something that promises to be so awesome. But there's something else in this preview that's worth noting.

It wasn't that long ago that Wolverine and Cyclops went beyond just scolding each other over who got to bang Jean Grey and beat the living shit out of one another. That battle was part of what made Schism such an epic battle and a major turning point for the X-men. It led to the beginning of the Jean Grey Institute and the beginning of the end for Utopia. And the main argument Wolverine made back then, which he repeats right here in this preview, is that kids shouldn't be thrust into battles like this. It's not an invalid point to make. It's like saying nobody should take a piss on a sleeping polar bear. It's not going to end well.

The problem is Wolverine is making this argument after he did the same fucking thing that Cyclops did. Just a few issues ago in All New X-men, he led the O5 into a battle against Hydra and Mystique. This isn't Toad or or some purse snatcher along Miami Beach. This is fucking Hydra and Mystique. He didn't have to drag them into that fight, but he did. And the O5 chose to be in that fight in the same way Cyclops's students chose to be part of his revolution. I know the Cyclops haters will cry bullshit, but I also feel compelled to point out that Cyclops let one of his students go home after he chose not to stay. That mutant was Fabio and he didn't try and stop him. Fabio only ended up coming back when he got screwed over by SHIELD in ways that would make the ACLU shit themselves. Yet Wolverine is still going to bust Cyclops's balls? I'm sorry, but he's losing his credibility faster than the Cleveland Browns lost their last game.

I like the effects Schism has had on the X-books, but those effects sort of lose their impact when one side of the schism is full of shit. I like Wolverine and I would prefer that he leave the hypocritical bullshit to the Dr. Dooms of the world. But part of the strength of Battle of the Atom has been a bitter struggle between the O5's desire to stay and fix the future and the X-men's desire to not fuck up the timeline. And this old argument isn't helping that. It's just making Wolverine look too much like a douche. I can only hope that the bonerific battle between Emma and Jean Grey makes up for it. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cable and X-Force #14

How many awesome stories area result of teenage girls who have serious daddy issues? By that same token, how many shitty stories come from teenage girls who have serious daddy issues? Most of the time, these girls are easy prey for douche-bags who show them as much respect as they show the semen encrusted sock they keep in a box with their porno stash. In comics, these girls can either be a fanboy's wet dream or an annoying bitch that deserves way more respect than any sock. Hope fucking Summers has long past sealed her fate as an annoying little cunt who has as many redeeming features as Ryan Seacrest has talent. Yet she's still bitching and moaning in the pages of Cable and X-Force. So far that hasn't kept the book from being awesome, but how much longer can it hold out? Keep some blood pressure medication handy because I'm about to review Cable and X-Force #14 and it may be one of the only instances where teenage girls with daddy issues don't give me a boner.

So far, Hope fucking Summers made it all the way to the future to find out from her future self that she’s the one who fucked up Cable’s mind and fucked up the future. Now she has to work with her future self to unfuck it. It may sound more confusing than the plot of Godfather 3 after smoking a few too many joints, but it’s actually pretty basic. Both her older self and Blaquesmith equip her with a weapon and a jet pack to help her fix what her future self would fuck up. She tries to come off as sympathetic in her inner musings, but at this point there’s as much sympathy for Hope fucking Summers as there is for Miley Cyrus. Her returning to the past to fix her own mistakes is probably the best anyone can hope for with a whiney little bitch like her.

But I haven’t stuck with Cable and X-Force because I like being reminded of how much I hate Hope fucking Summers. I read it because it offers the possibility of many awesome concepts, like X-Force fighting the Uncanny Avengers. It already led to Havok being punched in the jaw in the first arc. And as satisfying as that was, it left me wanting more. And in a recent issue, X-Force decided to make a daring rescue attempt for Cable, who the Uncanny Avengers captured for some of the excessive vandalism his team was responsible for in the first arc. And since it involved blowing up a fast food joint in a world where fat-asses have a lot of influence, that just couldn’t go unpunished.

Despite having to read too much about Hope fucking Summers, it’s still a very satisfying fight. It’s not a very fair fight though and that’s to be expected. The Uncanny Avengers have fought the fucking Red Skull and the Apocalypse Twins. X-Force is strong, but they are pitifully overmatched by the likes of Thor, Captain America, Rogue, and the Scarlett Witch. At times it makes the fights seem less-than-epic, but some fights shouldn’t be epic. In the same way a fight between a lion and a squirrel is nothing to put on pay-per-view, a fight between the Uncanny Avengers and X-Force is not a battle that anyone should expect to be too drawn out. That’s part of what makes it both satisfying and believable.

And the one person who is supposed to be responsible for convincing X-Force to surrender peacefully isn’t even partaking in the fight. Havok, who is still new to this whole leadership deal, is stuck sitting on the fence and looking more indecisive than George W. Bush at a hotdog stand. Wolverine, who is just calmly drinking a beer with no desire to fuck up the lawn of the Avengers Mansion, comes off as the smartest guy on the team for once. He tells Havok that he has to make a decision on what to do with Cable. Sure, he’s a wanted terrorists, but now he knows he had a damn good reason for doing what he did. He has to decide how he wants to deal with it.

Lucky for Havok, he doesn’t end up having to make his choice immediately. Before he can confront Cable, that elaborate mind-fuck that Hope fucking Summers did to him finally overwhelms his mind and he starts going Carrie White. And Havok might as well have been the one to pour pigs blood all over his prom dress. I want to have some sympathy for Havok since he couldn’t possibly know how much Hope fucking Summers would fuck up Cable’s mind. But I’m too sober and too logical to give him the courtesy. Until he makes a decision that Cyclops wouldn’t have made with much more conviction, he’ll still be that guy that deserved the punch to the jaw he got earlier in this series.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that X-Force had to go up against Earth’s mightiest heroes and X-men, news choppers pick up on the fight. It’s a nice touch that doesn’t often happen in the pages of a comic book. When a bunch of superheroes slug it out on the front lawn of a mansion, that’s not just newsworthy. That’s the kind of shit that Don King would try to sponsor. It also gives a nice reminder that X-Force is still wanted. The Uncanny Avengers are the heroes and they’re the fugitives that blew up a fucking fast food factory. They can’t expect anybody to be rooting for them. It’s an important distinction that every X-Force comic needs to make and this scene does it nicely while continuing to show that X-Force is more overmatched than Betty White in a boxing match with Mike Tyson.

It would have been a fairly predictable match anyways. The stakes only change when Hope fucking Summer finally joins the party, armed with her new jetpack. She basically skips the battle between the Uncanny Avengers and X-Force because fuck X-Force. She couldn’t give a nanogram of shit about anybody who ever helped her if it kept her from confronting her serious daddy issues. But Wolverine, who is still the smart one avoiding the clash while drinking a beer, stops her just long enough for her to explain herself. He just wants a simple reason why he shouldn’t stab her, which is something he has tried to do in the past on more than one occasion. She just tells him that a lot of people will die if she doesn’t get to Cable. That alone isn’t very convincing, but when the mansion starts shaking that seems to do the trick. So with his beer still in hand, Wolverine lets her through, thereby making him the only character in this comic who didn’t fuck up on some level.

The whiney little bitch and unapologetic rip-off character arrives just in time to see Cable’s mind going batshit and she has nobody but her future self to blame. I suppose this could be a metaphor or something about messed up teenage girls that try to resolve their daddy issues and only end up making shit worse in the long run. But it’s Hope fucking Summers. She only seems to make everything worse no matter what she does or where she goes. So I’m not going to lump her together with the teenage girls out there who have real daddy issues. They deserve better while this little bitch doesn’t even deserve a stripper pole at a Mexican brothel.

Again, she tries to come off as sympathetic in her inner monologues. I’m glad they’re actually there because if she just did the shit she was doing without any insight into her thought, drunks like me would just assume she’s doing this because she’s a bitch. I get that Marvel is trying to keep her from becoming too irrelevant now that she’s no longer the mutant messiah and she has basically done what she was supposed to do. But there’s just no redeeming this whiney little bitch at this point.

What she does undo the shit her future self started isn’t going to make her seem any less whiney though. In a quick flashback, Blaquesmith reveals that the fancy battle ax he and her future self gave her is a specially designed tool that takes the excessive psionic energy from Cable’s brain and channels away from activity that involves putting him in chronic pain and destroying mansions. But like buying a cheap Iphone over Ebay, there’s always a catch. In order for it to work, she has to stab him in the fucking forehead. Because it just wouldn’t be in character for Hope fucking Summers to do something that doesn’t look like a dick move on some levels. Granted, it works. It effectively stops Cable’s outburst while unleashing a psionic wave that disrupts the battle between X-Force and the Uncanny Avengers. It doesn’t make it any less a dick move.

The reunion between Cable and Hope isn’t something that would fit into a Hallmark card. In fact, it’s pretty damn underwhelming. There’s no hug. There are few emotions. Granted, these are two battle-hardened soldiers. But Hope fucking Summers has a history of getting so damn emotional about Cable. Yet when she confronts him, she does it with the same attitude that I have when I meet up with my pot dealer. It could have been a big moment, but instead it’s just a scene where they catch their breath. That’s understandable to a point, but since there’s no hint about how this affected the battle going on outside or what it means for Cable’s visions, it’s still lacking.

The last issue to resolve is Havok. He still has to make a decision on what to do with Cable and his team. He could continue being a total dick and have him arrested along with the rest of X-Force, but after seeing what Cable showed him in the previous issue, he’s willing to be a bit more understanding. Captain America probably wouldn’t approve and neither would any DEA agent in the fine states of Colorado and Washington, but it’s his decision and he decides to take a chance. That means not arresting Cable and letting X-Force operate in a way that just doesn’t look good around news choppers. It actually is a decision that Cyclops would probably make, but Havok just seems nicer about it. I still think he’s a douche, but he effectively frees X-Force to keep doing what they’re doing. And now that Cable’s brain isn’t having a Chernobyl style meltdown anymore, they can do what they need to do. It’s satisfying while still missing a few minor details. But since they’re minor, it’s nothing that can’t be overlooked with a few extra joints and a line of blow.

This issue and this arc failed to make Hope fucking Summers any less a puissant little cunt. However, this issue did succeed in one key area. It effectively tied up nearly every loose end while establishing Cable’s new team as the kind of X-men squad that’s willing to get dirtier than the septic tank that feeds into Congress. It wasn’t as clean or detailed as it could have been, but it got the job done and was pretty damn awesome in the process. Hope fucking Summers is still going to be an insufferable bitch, but at the very least this issue didn’t give too many additional reasons to hate her. For that, I give Cable and X-Force #14 an 8 out of 10. So a bratty teenage girl abandons everyone that ever tried to help her, mind-fucked her own adopted father, and still gets rewarded with ice cream? That right there, my friends, is how teenage girls become grown up bitches. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #12

Letting a drunk review comics is like letting a bitter ex-lover conduct open heart surgery. It's a potentially volatile combination that could lead to someone with their anus connected to their tongue. At the same time, it can also create the kind of insight that can't be found anywhere else. The internet already has an abundance of porn, cats, and idiots trying to make money by getting hit in the balls. Why not let drunks offer their own unique insight into the world of comics? The following is a drunk's perspective on Uncanny X-men #12. It may not be insightful, logical, or sane. But it breaks down the story in a way that only a drunk can so unless some readers have an adamantium pole up their ass, read on.

Someone else who I’m convinced has more than an adamantium pole up her ass is Maria Hill. Ever since Uncanny X-men began, she has demonstrated time and again that she has a raging pussy boner for wanting to throw Cyclops back in jail. She’s like a bitter ex-girlfriend that he never even got to see naked, which is by far among the worst kinds. It’s only logical that she would pick up on the X-men’s time-warping activities at some point, giving her yet another reason to try and screw the X-men over. And this time her angry pussy boner isn’t just for Cyclops. She makes it clear that she would love to throw Beast in a cell right next to his for fucking with the space time continuum yet again. Given what Wolverine did in Age of Ultron, I’m sure she’s intent on barring any X-men from doing any sort of time travel under penalty of having to shave Hulk’s pubes. She still has to catch them first and to date, Cyclops has managed to avoid her like the NFL is avoiding Tim Tebow.

And like Tim Tebow showing up at a gay pride parade, it’s pretty damn awkward when O5 Cyclops and Jean Grey meet up with Cyclops and his revolution team in the ruins of Utopia. But they need help and nobody seems to have much sympathy for a couple of time-displaced teenagers so they turn to the guy who everyone already hates for killing Xavier. For all they know, he would just help them to fuck with Wolverine and Beast. Considering how upset the O5 was with Cyclops early on when they found out he killed Charles Xavier, it’s actually a bit strange that this encounter wasn’t even more awkward. But at the very least, it allows O5 Jean to inform everybody of just how fucked their situation is, with a little help from the Stepford Cuckoos. But I guess if anyone is going to deliver bad news, it might as well be three cute teenagers in sexy school girls outfits.

But as much as I appreciate teenage girls in sexy school girls outfits, this meeting felt like it lacked impact. Way back in All New X-men #3, the O5 X-men were pretty pissed off when they first met Cyclops and remained fairly pissed off when he came back to recruit O5 Angel. Yet they seem to have gotten over their earlier anger about him killing Xavier and starting a mutant revolution. Granted, O5 Cyclops and Jean Grey want his help and most people are willing to forget how much they hate someone if they can help. I get that teenagers are irrational with their emotions, but they never miss an opportunity to be pissed off and this felt like one of those opportunities.

After learning about the future X-men, Cyclops and his team are remarkably calm. I’m guessing that being on the run from SHIELD and Maria Hill while encountering time displaced versions of the X-men has hardened them to shocking revelations in the same way years of cocaine abuse has hardened Charlie Sheen. But the reaction from Magik is a bit more unusual, then again for her the concept of what is unusual and what is fucked up isn’t always mutually exclusive. After she sees the guy claiming to be Xavier’s grandson, she confirms who it is and fucking disappears. I get that she’s a fucked up teenage girl with a demon fetish, but this was pushing it. Granted, she did get a glimpse of the future in Battle of the Atom #1. But for her to just fucking disappear like this isn’t just curiously fucked up. It’s a WTF moment and not in a good way. While it’ll probably be explained in a later issue, it still makes this issue feel much choppier than previous issues.

While Cyclops and his revolutionary team are debated on whether or not to help O5 Cyclops and Jean, a much bigger debate unfolds with the present and future X-men. This debate is every bit as intense as any battle with a Sentinel or attack by Sinister, albeit nowhere near as spectacular. It’s another big moment for Kitty and Rachel Grey, who basically did a 180 in the previous issue when they opted to help O5 Cyclops and Jean before they were cornered. They basically go out of their way to yell at their fellow X-men the same way most people yell at a dog that keeps shitting on the carpet. It’s pretty powerful shit. Nothing explodes and Wolverine doesn’t get blasted for once, but it sends an important message.

Kitty Pryde’s argument is pure illogical emotion that lies somewhere between disappointed and pissed off. She and Rachel point out that the X-men have always been about fighting for the freedom of mutants to determine their own fate. Yet they’re denying that to the O5. Granted, their fate has the potential to fuck up the entire space time continuum, but don’t the Avengers and Fantastic Four undermine the space time continuum every other Thursday? The rest of the X-men try to be cool and logical, but for some reason they still won’t say just what the O5 did that fucked up the future so much. And even a drunk will know that’s a red flag. That’s like a creepy old guy trying to sell kids yellow snowcones without offering some sort of assurance that it isn’t his own piss. It’s a lot of talk and not much action, but it gets to the very heart of what it means to be X-men and for the X-men’s 50^th anniversary, it couldn’t be more appropriate without Stan Lee giving his seal of approval to every panel.

The debate isn’t quite as intense with Cyclops and his revolutionary team. In fact, it’s pretty damn tame by comparison. But there aren’t any more moments between Cyclops, O5 Jean, and his younger counterpart. There’s just some awkward silence before he finally decides that he’s going to help the O5. It’s still a missed opportunity, but it still triggers a reaction. Both Emma Frost and Magneto point out that he’s throwing logic out the window the same way Emma probably deleted every naked picture of her she ever sent him. He’s running on emotion rather than strategy, which is something Cyclops doesn’t normally do. And maybe it’s because of that he comes off as more sympathetic, but I’m sure Cyclops haters will still call him a douche for making an exception when a version of Jean Grey is involved.

And Cyclops doesn’t exactly win the support of his team. O5 Angel, who never wanted to stay in the future to begin with, basically uses this revelation about the future X-men he was right and everyone who outvoted him was full of shit. He’s not wrong either. He’s the one that kept saying they shouldn’t even be in the future. Yet even after they find out that they end up fucking up the future, they still want to stay? It can’t be a good sign with the rich white guy makes the most sense. The problem is that this is probably the most O5 Angel has said since he joined Cyclops’s team. Some fans who smoke a lot of weed might have even forgotten that he was there. I’m glad he spoke up, but it only served to make this issue even choppier.

It could have become a much more heated debate, but they don’t get a chance to keep berating each other. In the midst of this debate, everybody seemed to forget that Emma Frost was a vindictive bitch who never wastes an opportunity to screw Jean Grey over, no matter what time period she’s from. So despite Cyclops’s decision to help the O5, she sent out a message to the future X-men and they picked up on it. And the moment Xorna/Jean shows up, she uses her more advanced psychic tricks to freeze everybody where they stand and attack her younger self.

This is actually a pretty telling moment in addition to it being the only bit of action in the issue. Xorna basically belittles her younger self while pwning her with her much more advanced psychic powers. She basically apologizes for effectively mind-raping her, which is a bit like someone apologizing to themselves for jerking off when they’re not in the mood. She also hints that O5 Jean was responsible for the future being so fucked up. Now why would that be? What did Jean Grey fuck up? Did it involve hooking up with Beast or trying to avoid her death at the hands of the Phoenix Force? It’s unclear, but she clearly done fucked something up.

This could have been the end of the conflict, but once again even Xorna forgot that Emma Frost is a vindictive bitch. The only thing she loves more than screwing over a younger Jean Grey is screwing over an older Jean Grey. And after she, or most likely the Cuckoos, figure out that Xorna is an older Jean Grey, she changes her mind about helping them. Now she’s looking to give her a psychic beating that will humiliate Jean in a way that will probably soak her panties. As a fan and a man with a functioning penis, all I can say is fuck yes! Even though this issue was choppy in that Illyana just ran off and SHIELD made no fucking contribution to the story, this ending alone and the promise of another Emma vs. Jean smackdown makes this issue plenty awesome.

This was one of those comics where my heart loved it while my penis hated it. It’s like having an orgasm while throwing up. One directly conflicts with the other. But having had my share of awkward hangovers, I don’t mind. It’s almost the halfway point in X-men Battle of the Atom and so far it doesn’t suck. That’s the most you can ask of any major comic book event these days and I couldn’t be more satisfied, even if my penis isn’t. I suppose it’ll just have to wait a week to see the epic Jean Grey/Emma Frost rematch. It’ll be hard finding ways to keep my penis occupied in the meantime, but like every sex tape involving Pamela Anderson, it’s usually worth it. It’s still inconsistent and choppy at times, but not in a way that can’t be reconciled in future issues. While my penis may give this comic a perfect 10, overall I give Uncanny X-men #12 an 7 out of 10. For the next week, the boys had better get clean underwear and the girls had better get dry panties because it looks like the ultimate catfight is taking shape! Two beautiful women who hate each other are about to have a psychic beatdown. It couldn’t be more awesome if they did it naked while covered in bacon grease. Nuff said!