Shaping A Sibling Rivalry: All-New Wolverine #25

The following is my review of All-New Wolverine #25, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

In many superhero comics, sibling rivalries are right up there with love triangles in terms of shallow plots that bring out the worst in certain characters. It's one thing for families to bicker. That's the premise of almost every sitcom, Simpsons rip-off, and Fantastic Four comic. Rivalries, however, often act like open scars that never truly scab over. They come to define certain characters, so much so that it that it undermines their ability to evolve on their own.

X-23 and Daken have a major advantage, in some respects, because much of their development occurs independently of one another. The story of Laura Kinney and Daken Akihiro unfolds in vastly different circumstances and go in very different directions. Whereas Laura eventually ascends to take on her father's mantel, Daken falls to the wayside for a while. Even after the Death of Wolverine, his story essentially stagnates while Laura's accelerates.

That's what makes the premise behind All-New Wolverine #25 so risky, yet so intriguing. Tom Taylor is taking a chance on tying Daken's story with Laura's once more. While they had clashed in the past during Marjorie Liu's run on X-23, these two characters don't ever establish a functional relationship. They don't forge a bitter rivalry either, but the tension is there. It has the potential to either expose their worst traits or forge new ones. The difference between the two is as thin as a simple swipe of the claws.

Taylor puts both characters on a collision course, of sorts, and it's one that doesn't just involve more slashing and stabbing. It builds on the events of the previous arc, which first see Laura and Daken reunite under dire, yet amicable circumstances. They never get a chance to catch up, fight each other, or address any of the past instances where they try to kill each other. A lot is left up in the air, but All-New Wolverine #25 offers new opportunities for Laura and Daken to connect. Doing it in a series that also includes a pet wolverine named Jonathan is just a nice bonus.

Taylor keeps the continuity of the series tight, having the events in this issue play off those of previous issues. Recent events don't play too big a part in the chaos that unfolds, though. After those connections are made, the fighting begins and it's not a fair fight, even for Daken. While he's a long way from deserving the same sympathy as Laura, the battle he faces sets a specific tone, one that feels unique to Wolverine's overly burdened offspring.

Part of being tied to Wolverine in any capacity involves attracting the kinds of enemies that require more than an adamantium claw to the face. His violent, illustrious life is full of super-powered samurai, killer robots, undead ninjas, and married women he can't stop attracting. With the exception of married women, Laura and Daken attract those same dangers. However, the specifics of that danger are only teased in All-New Wolverine #25, but not in the same overtly ominous ways that just promise more stabbing.

This is where the Orphans of X come in, which is both the title of the arc and the name of the danger. They establish early on that they know how to hurt both Daken and Laura. Daken is somewhat easy to hurt, given his crass attitude and utter apathy for regular heroics. It's Laura who requires a more elaborate approach. Having recently fought Brood armies and spent time in the stomach of Fing Fang Foom, her threshold for pain is much higher.

They still find a way to test it by taking Laura back to her roots. That means returning to the pages of X-23: Innocence Lost, the tragic origins that have come to define Laura since her arrival to the X-men comics. Despite all her abilities, including those that allow her to survive the stomach of Fing Fang Foom without permanent physiological scarring, the details of her tortured origins still haunt her.

More than any other threat she faces throughout her relatively brief history, it's one of the few things that really hurt her. The fact that the Orphans of X use that against her shows that they've done their homework on her. The use of a few flashbacks, which evoke just the right impact thanks to Juann Cabal's art, help belabor just how much these memories hurt Laura. They're so troubling that she risks upsetting both Gabby and her pet wolverine by striking out on her own. Given Gabby's capacity for frustrating Laura and looking adorable while doing it, that's a not a trivial risk.

It's not initially clear how much that risk pays off because, even though Laura's recourse is directly tied to what happens with Daken, the narrative stalls somewhat once it ventures into that the bloodier parts of her past. While belaboring a painful past is an important ingredient in any Wolverine story, it can be overdone. Instead of learning why the Orphans of X think it's wise to torment two characters with a history of poor anger management, much of the story unfolds as a mystery with too few clues to follow.

There's still plenty of melodrama, which is true to the spirit that Taylor has established with All-New Wolverine. There's never a sense that either Laura or Daken are just angry, vengeful brutes who are just eager to stab something. All-New Wolverine #25 establishes deep, personal stakes. However, it doesn't do much to establish who is making such risky bets against them.

The ending sets the stage for a lot more melodrama and heartache. The connections that will eventually require Laura and Daken to team up again are there. Given the high standards that Taylor has set with All-New Wolverine, though, the impact of the conflict isn't felt yet. Too much of it relies on old scars that Laura has been carrying with her since her days as an extra in the X-men Evolution cartoon. While those scars are sure to deepen, the Orphans of X will need to hit much harder to leave a lasting impact on Laura and Daken.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

CBR: X-POSITION - Jason Aaron (My Questions Answered Again)

In between acid trips and hangovers, I have a curious mind. Sometimes it's so curious it just won't shut up, requiring a more serious intake of alcohol. Thank heavens for CBR's weekly X-POSITION column. It allows me to save what few brain cells I have left while not getting so many thank-you notes from the makers of Jack Daniels. The world of X-men has been heating up faster than Snooki's pussy at a Chip 'n Dales. X-men Schism has put the X-men on a collision course with disunity. Wolverine and Cyclops had enough reasons to hate each other, what with Wolverine wanting to fuck Cyclops's now dead wife. Now after the events of X-men Schsim #3, which I reviewed, let's just say they'll be denying all future Facebook friend requests. Jason Aaron is the man ending this legendary bromance and that was a major theme of CBR's X-POSITION amongst other things. Jason Aaron is like the Dieon Sanders of Marvel. He's involved in so many other sports, but with only a fraction of the ego.

CBR: X-POSITION - Jason Aaron

Given my enthusiasm for Schism, I had a number of questions on my mind. I sent a rather lengthy list so I don't blame CBR for asking only a handful. But they did touch on the important ones. This is what they said:


The pending split is something that concerns MarvelMaster616. Can you help place the master's mind at ease?

1) It's been mentioned a few times that it's no coincidence "Fear Itself" ends around the same time as "X-Men: Schism." I know you can't get into spoilers, but why is this? Does something happen at the end of "Fear Itself" that leads into "Schism" (or vice-versa)?

No, there's not a literal direct connection between the two like that. Instead, it's more about the ramifications of these two stories. "Fear Itself" has big ramifications for a lot of Marvel U characters. "Schism" has huge ramifications for the X-universe. Going forward into 2012, we still start to see those two threads converge in a very epic way. Can't say more or Axel Alonso will have my tongue cut out. It's true -- I've seen it happen. 


2) How will Wolverine's team operate differently than Cyclops' team?

In a profoundly different way. Trust me. I'm afraid that's all I can say for now.

3) Where will Charles Xavier fit into all of this? It feels like he no longer has control over his vision. Will he play a factor in the schism?

Xavier doesn't appear in the pages of "Schism," but you will certainly see him appearing amid the aftermath and he will most definitely have a very strong opinion on the outcome.

As usual, Aaron is light on specifics. I've come to expect that from every response. Let's face it, these guys got kids to feed and they can't give away spoilers even though fans like me would gladly surrender a left nut to get them. But the part I found most intriguing was how he described the linkage between Fear Itself and Schism. Now neither of these events are over yet so it's impossible to know the details. It's a rather complicated way to tell two major stories because if you're going to link them up, it's confusing as fuck to tell one without knowing how the other ends. But there does seem to be a method behind the madness. Fear Itself involves the whole Marvel universe while Schism touches only on the X-men. Something big feeds into something smaller. There's a dick joke in there somewhere, but I'll save those for my next review.

I'm more curious about the mention of the 2012 event. It's been hinted at before on major Marvel panels. I'm sure it'll be hinted at again once Schism ends. Like the Maya Doomsday Prophecy, Marvel is treating 2012 as an apocalyptic year for the X-men. They are light on the details, but some hints seem to indicate that it will involve Hope "Jean Ripoff" Summers. Marvel has constantly said that she's a character to keep an eye on and not just because she's a nasty little brat behind everyone's back. For years now it's been hinted at and confirmed that she has a connection to the Phoenix Force. It's long overdue for someone to stand up and say "Yeah, that fiery bird thingy...it kind of threatens the whole universe." And it makes sense to have Schism and Fear Itself set the stage or at least effect how that happens.

As for Charles Xavier, he's one guy who could probably spend most of his weeknights beating off to softcore porn on Cinemax because he hasn't been doing shit in the major X-books. His last plot was helping his schizophrenic son get his mind back together and he really didn't do much in that arc except get himself captured. Now he's been a second string character ever since the X-men set up shop on Utopia. That's saying a lot because this guy literally put the X in X-men. It's been asked before whether he'll play a larger role. It's rarely turned into something. I guess it's because Wolverine is awesome and Cyclops has Emma Frost's tits on his side. But still, the guy deserves something! I hope he gets his dues once the shit storm from Schism settles down.

Another successful X-POSITION. Stay tuned for reviews, X-men Supreme updates, and drunken rants as only I can deliver! Until next time, take care and best wishes!

X-men Schism #3 - New Divide (of Awesome)

Pop quiz, fanboys! What book has homicidal kids, killer robots, and women dressed as hookers? If you're into anime porn, you're atomically disqualified. If you masturbate to only slightly more to slightly less disgusting porn, you probably answered X-men Schism. It's the big X-men event billed as the end of the epic Cyclops/Wolverine bromance that has graced X-men comics and slash fanfiction websites for years. It's one of those events that will force yet another cataclysmic change that seems to run through the X-books every other Thursday. In that sense it's like a Presidential race in America, but slightly less obscene, a lot less boring, and Bill O'Riley doesn't bitch about it.

But as hyped up as this series has been, it hasn't really gotten to the...you know, the actual Schism. The first two issues were great, but they could have easily been issues of Uncanny X-men. What happens is pretty basic. Logan comes back hung over. Cyclops ropes him into some good-will mission to appease bullshit politicians. Giant robots and a psychic sociopath intervene. So essentially, it's your basic X-men story. No biggie. But the basic shit ends when you add psychotic kids into the mix. Somehow, Marvel has so exhausted every conceivable idea for villains that they resort to the kind of psychos that nobody would suspect, per-pubescent children. It's the kind of shit that would only terrify a Catholic Priest. But somehow, these kids have graduated from whining about their parents not letting them play Mortal Kombat and become the new Hellfire Club. Now I took issue with this, but I was willing to overlook it in hopes that it would go somewhere. Now the third issue is here and we can move this shit along.

The last issue of Schism ended with junior Hellfire Club storming in a mutant history museum just as the X-men were doing a little PR. Now that giant robots are attacking them all over the world, they have to do something to show the Fox News crowd that they're not assholes. The explosions haven't begun. The team is still smiling for the cameras while Cyclops is monitoring the situation with three blond triplet psychics. Seriously, what is it about this guy's penis that makes him so fucking lucky? But they don't know that the Hellfire Club's Little Rascal division is getting ready to fuck with them. They only get a clear sign shit just got heavy when someone jams their psychic communications. Fearing that he'll never see Emma Frost naked again, Cyclops springs into action. No, that's not a dick joke.

So sentinels are off ravaging the planet in ways that Ted Bundy could possibly understanding. The X-men are trying to save some face by showing up and looking sexy at a mutant history museum. And what's Wolverine doing? He's getting shit faced. Right, that's real proactive of him. Then again, he's never been known for being on the ball. That's part of what makes him Wolverine. It also makes him a bit of a dick, but that's besides the point. As soon as he sees a news report in the bar that some shit is going down at the mutant history museum, he puts down the beer (presumably after chugging it whole) and rushes over to get his claws bloody.

So the X-men have their communications cut off and there's no Wolverine to stab the problem away. Yet Emma, Colossus, Namor, and Magneto aren't all that threaten. Why would they be? They're facing fucking kids. Again, that's worth restating. These Hellfire goons are kids. I don't know what kind of statement Marvel is making about today's youth, but I'm fairly certain it involves alcohol and a lack of birth control. Namor makes it a point to say that he's hit kids before. Way to make yourself more of a douche, Namor! You do the seas proud!

The battle starts off as you would expect. It's like Mike Tyson versus Richard Simmons. The X-men show a little flash and flare against these kids, most of who probably have just discovered internet porn and still laugh when somebody farts. I already did a rant about this on the last issue. It's worth restating. These are kids running the fucking Hellfire Club. The WTF factor is hard to overstate. It couldn't be more messed up if it had talking animals. The X-men still treat it as a regular fight. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but still the villains here are kids. I know our population is aging, but beating up kids is still taboo. Then again, those crazy sociopath kids eventually start playing dirty as kids that age tend to do.

This is where WTF takes yet another twist. The X-men do okay for themselves in terms of halting the attack. But then the kids start pulling the kind of tricks that fanfiction writers use when they try to write fight scenes drunk (or maybe that's just me). They start pulling out these strange weapons that just happen perfectly counter the X-men. One creates these little holes that dry out Namor and render him weaker than Glenn Beck's credibility. Another shoots a tiny magnetar super blast to down Magneto. Another just shoots Emma in the head while in her diamond form and that's enough to knock her out. When something other than roofies knocks out Emma Frost, it's time to call bullshit.

Now I get the threat these Hellfire kids pose. Jason Aaron treats them like real villains and they walk the walk in addition to talking the talk. The problem is it's hard to take them that seriously because they're kids. Not only are they devious enough to hatch a plot like this, but they're competent enough to use these super-weapons that are specifically made to stop the X-men. I know comic books are fantasy, but there's fantasy and then there's just pushing it. This book walks that fine line and doesn't walk it very well. It's not enough to completely bring down the book, but the WTF factor is still pretty apparent.

So all the X-men are taken down and incapacitated. The human crowd are taken hostages and will likely be used as plaster in kid Hellfire's new tree house. But one mutant managed to avoid the whole attack. It was Idie, one of the Five Lights. Now she's not a heavyweight. She's a teenage girl who barely started growing into her bra. She's not a trained fighter. She's not a killer. Yet she's the only one that can do something about this. Psychic communication was reestablished so Cyclops can talk to Idie and so can Wolverine. She tells them that she sees the Hellfire Club corralling the hostages and preparing a suitcase that anyone who ever watched 24 would understand is a fucking bomb. Wolverine wants Idie to get out and wait for backup. Cyclops wants to save those hostages and the woman who lets him see her naked. Thus the stage is set for the books most powerful moment.

Over a psychic communication line, Wolverine and Cyclops argue incessantly. Remember, it was only one issue ago that Wolverine sat down with Idie and encouraged her to be a kid and not a killer. Now in order to save the X-men and the hostages, she'll have to become a killer. That may be okay with Cyclops, but that's a line Wolverine isn't willing to cross. Having been down that road before, he knows it sucks donkey balls. It's not something he would wish on many, especially an innocent girl like Idie who just got roped into this mutant shit. But Cyclops is all about cold, calculating decisions. That's been his hallmarks since he became the grand poobah of mutants. So in the end, he doesn't listen to Wolverine. He tells Idie to do what needs to be done. That means impersonating a scene right out Scarface and pretty much taking a shit on her innocence.

What happens next is a graphic yet powerful scene. Idie emerges from the shadows and takes on the Hellfire guards. She doesn't hesitate either. She channels her inner Iceman and Firestar and attacks. It's a hell of a spectacle that results in a pile of dead Hellfire bodies. There's no censorship here. This is shit the Comic Code authority would throw up over if they still had any kind of relevance. A young African girl slaughters a group of armed men wearing white masks. Somewhere, Jesse Jackson is smiling like an idiot. But the message sent is clear. A line has been crossed.

This is a profound moment because you can tell that this is where the series gains it's title, Schism. Wolverine and Cyclops have disagreed on shit before. They've fought over boning the same woman before. But this is beyond that. Cyclops has finally crossed a line that he wouldn't have been able to cross if he weren't the undisputed leader of the X-men. Wolverine, despite having crossed many lines himself, won't stand for that sort of shit. It's not something they can settle over beer and a bong hit. Of all the ways Marvel could have driven these two men apart, this is by far one of the most profound.

Needless to say, when the two men meet up they're quite pissed. Cyclops is more concerned with logistics. Having Idie cross that line saved the hostages and the X-men. Sure, it caused the building to blow up. But that's an acceptable lost. But to Logan, the loss of Idie's innocence is far worse. He's so pissed at Cyclops that he doesn't realize that Idie never killed those kid Hellfire goons. They snuck out because they're kids. Nobody's going to suspect that they caused shit like this. Even if they were topless playboy models looking to score some blow, Wolverine and Cyclops wouldn't have noticed. They stare each other down the same way a hungry grizzly stares at a fat kid covered in bacon grease. They're ready to rip each other apart.

Well if they're going to at one point, that'll have to wait. There are still two issues left and as it just so happens, that bomb those kids brought wasn't a bomb. It was some kind of super sentinel, one that starts off as a glowing ball of light and then becomes a killer robot. It's not unlike an acid trip at the planetarium. So despite having wounded X-men and another PR disaster on their hands, these two guys have to work together to take down this flashy excuse for a sentinel. Somehow, you get the sense that this is going to be the last time for a while when we see Cyclops and Wolverine kicking ass together. Excuse me while I wipe the tears from my eyes and the semen stains from my shorts.

So unlike me in my forth grade math class, Marvel has done a successful divide. The seeds are planted. The cow shit his been thrust into the soil and already they're starting to bloom. For months, it's been speculated what could be so profound that it drives an adamantium laced wedge between Cyclops and Wolverine? Is it another hot redhead they want to bone? Is it Cyclops hiding Wolverine's liquor stash? No, it's a fateful decision involving a young mutant who didn't even exist before this year. Wolverine watched Cyclops make Idie a killer. That shit doesn't fly with him. He'll accept Cyclops getting to bone hotter women, but he can't accept him giving orders like this. It's such a profound divide it almost makes up for the sheer insanity of using fucking kids for the Hellfire Club.

This was the issue I have been waiting for. It took two issues to set it up, which I feel was one issue too long. But now that it's here, I'm more satisfied than Tiger Woods at a Bankok massage parlor. This isn't some bullshit argument between Cyclops and Wolverine. This isn't something that could easily be resolved, retconned, and glossed over. A serious fucking line has been crossed here. In some ways it speaks to Cyclops's ascent to power over the past few years. It's gotten to a point where he's the only game in town. He gives the orders and people follow him. It was only a matter of time before he gave an order that Wolverine would take issue with. In the end, the formation of that uber-sentinel seems to signify the last battle of a united X-men. It's like the cloud of smoke billowing out of Snoop Dogg's living room, clouding your vision before you see the orgy. It's an ominous yet clear divide and one that has more potential to explode than Mel Gibson at an Israel rally.

Now I still have a hard time getting over the fact that the Hellfire Club is now run by a bunch of fucking kids. Not only are they kids, but they somehow have access to weapons that can take down Namor and Magneto. These kids aren't even old enough to fucking drive, yet they can wield weapons like that? I'm hoping there's something else at work here because if these really were just kids, that would be too fucked up to wave your dick at no matter how many fetish porn sites you have a subscription to. Even if they are kids, they put the X-men into a position that will tear them apart. So for that, I have to give it up to them. They're almost as nasty as the assholes I dealt with in 5th grade. Almost.

X-men Schism #3 is a landmark issue. It gives a clear and concise reason for this schism between Wolverine and Cyclops to begin. It sets the stage for this whole fucking relaunch of the X-books and does it in an awesome way. I want to give it a perfect score just for that, but I still can't overlook the Hellfire kids. That's just too fucked up, even for a comic book. So for a final score, I give X-men Schism #3 a 4.5 out of 5. This event has the potential to be more awesome than any X-men event since Second Coming. If they could just do something about those fucking kids, it would be perfect. And if that makes me sound like a cantankerous old drunk, so be it! Nuff said!

X-POSITION: Rick Remender - My Questions Asked and a Bit of Ranting

Let's not mince words. I fucking love Uncanny X-Force. If it was a line of blow, I'd snort it up off the toilet seat of a truck stop in New Jersey after six guys came in with a bout of explosive diarrhea. It's been one of the best things Marvel has come out with since Emma Frost's bra size. So naturally when CBR has Rick Remender over for their X-POSITION column, I jump at the chance to ask questions. And by Odin's beard, they were asked and answered! Guess bathing in the blood of a bear and sacrificing ten goats was enough to appease the comic gods. It's almost worth the cleaning bill and the public indecency charge that's currently pending. Next time, I'll try to remember to keep my clothes on.

CBR: X-POSITION - Rick Remender

Lord, Buddha, and Odin all know I have many. If you read my last review, you know that Uncanny X-Force is in the middle of the Dark Angel Saga. It's Uncanny X-Force meets Age of Apocalypse. It contains a live Jean Grey, Nightcrawler, and Sabretooth. It has Fantomex Frenching Psylocke. It has Angel becoming more badass than he's ever been. You can't get much more of a high without rolling it into a joint! My questions were pretty basic, but one in particular left me hung over in ways I only get after trips to Bangkok.


Let's go next to the big picture from MarvelMaster616:

1) It was mentioned at Comic-Con that "Schism" will affect X-Force. What kind of repercussions can we expect?

Jason, Kieron and I have been in close contact to make sure that these books not only feel like a family of interconnecting stories, but to ensure our future plans respect the future plans of the other writers. The new status quo after "Schism" will add a new job on top of X-Force's already hectic schedule. Conversely, the events of the "Dark Angel Saga" will also greatly affect both of the other titles. And what we're talking about now, it could well grow into something that we can all reconnect on. There will be a lineup change in X-Force and a few other drastic changes as well.


2) I'm glad you got Jean Grey involved in the "Dark Angel Saga," as she's been absent from the X-books for so long. What is your approach to writing Jean Grey? And why do you state she was the love of Wolverine's life when he arguably has a deeper history with Mariko Yashida? And where would Melita fit in?

I guess it comes down to interpretation. I see this coming from the idea that an unrequited love is somehow more powerful than one that was fulfilled. I see Logan's first years in the X-Men, and his powerful attraction to Jean Grey, as the love that should have been. Logan and Jean did love each other, and they were obviously very attracted to each other, but there were so many things between them, so many reasons that could never happen, that they both went on with their lives and their other romances. Wolverine is an old, old man. He' s had many loves in his life. Think about writing a vampire, who's been alive for a couple hundred years. You have more than just one or two wives/long term girlfriends that he spent years in love with. Jean was the one fate conspired against and the one that haunts him.

3) I really enjoyed the scene in "Uncanny X-Force" #12 where Fantomex broke down Betsy's relationship with Warren. Can we say at this point that the seeds of doubt have been sewn in Betsy? What will the "Dark Angel Saga" do for their relationship as a whole?

I could tell you, but then there wouldn't be much reason to read the book. It's one of those questions that's impossible to give any answer to without spoiling the current storyline. Sorry.


Question's 1 and 3 were fairly satisfying. I'm glad Schism will affect what's going on in Uncanny X-Force since it seems to be fucking with every other X-books. But it's his response to the Jean/Wolverine relationship where I call bullshit. Now I've also made my feelings about this relationship clear. Hell, I did whole blog post on them. The jist of their relationship is it's unrequited. Wolverine loves Jean. Jean's attracted to him, but doesn't love him back. That creates tension, which was okay for the first few issue but it got old and boring fast. It fucked up X3 and it's fucked up their characters in pretty much every other incarnation, except for Age of Apocalypse.

Now Rick Remender's response implies that he thinks that Jean and Wolverine were more passionate than they really were. I'm sorry, but that just completely flies in the face of what's transpired over 40 years of X-men comics. Look at that underlined part. Should have been? Why the fuck should they have ever been? He seems to forget that before Wolverine came along, Jean had a pretty strong history with Cyclops. And by strong, I mean it was a central feature to the Dark Phoenix Saga (also known as the greatest fucking X-men story ever told). Not only that, Jean went with Cyclops when she came back even though Wolverine was alive and well. She stayed with him, married him, and raised a fucking kid with him in the future. That kind of shit is pretty hard to overlook. And somehow she and Wolverine share such a passionate love that it's worth saying it should have been?

Maybe I'm reading too much into his choice of words, but I also think he's not reading enough into his own shit. Wolverine and Jean stated outright that it couldn't work between them on more than one occasion. It wasn't because shit was between them. It was because the feelings were one-sided. Wolverine loved her way more than she could love him back. That's why she stayed with Cyclops. That's why they never did anything other than kiss.

He also doesn't seem to understand the very history of this relationship. It wasn't done because the two had chemistry. The only reason Chris Claremont wanted to hook Wolverine up with Jean was because he was pissed about Cyclops leaving Madelyn under Louise Simonson's X-Factor run. That's it. He preferred Jean with Wolverine simply because he wasn't Cyclops. I'm sorry, but that's a fucking stupid premise for a real relationship. I hope Rick Remender knows that because it kind of matters if he's writing this series. If he makes this relationship out to be more than it is, then it looks like he's not reading his own comics.

But I digress. Uncanny X-Force is still an awesome series and I hope Remender's skewed perspective of the Jean/Wolverine relationship doesn't skew the Dark Angel Saga. For now, it's been very nicely done. I hope it stays that way because this series is too awesome to be brought down by some bullshit misconceptions about a relationship that stopped being interesting back in 1991 and was forever tainted by X3. So Mr. Remender, if you're reading this, keep up the great work! I'm your biggest drunken fan and I shall continue to sacrifice goats and my neighbors cats to appease the comic gods in your name! Nuff said.

X-men Schism #2 - The Cracks of Awesome Begin

Move over Sunnis and Shittes! Get a room Israelis and Palestinians! Go make a porno liberals and conservatives! The real schism is taking place in the annuls of X-men! It's the event Marvel says is to the X-books what nitro is to glycerine. Wolverine and Cyclops, the Bert and Ernie of the X-men, are about to go from begrudging allies to two people who would like to see each other impaled by a rusted metal dildo. The first issue of Schism set up the conflict that was poised to tear them apart. Now it continues in X-men Schism #2.

In the last issue, you didn't see too many signs that Wolverine and Cyclops were going to start butchering one another. Aside from Cyclops waking him up and making Wolverine sit through a boring meeting at the UN, they hated each other no more than usual. Then an old buddy of Grant Morrison came knocking named Kid Omega. He made a massive public spectacle by using his powers to get all the world leaders to admit they were douche-bags on global TV. Now I'm all for a story that makes politicians look like assholes, but it had an unpleasant side-effect if you can believe that. It caused all the nations of the world to break out their old Sentinel weapons and throw them at the X-men. This is where X-men Schism #2 picks up. The attack has begun and the X-men have to defend themselves while trying to stay united.

It starts off in Iran. In the previous issue, the Iranian leader at the UN made quite a scene when he claimed the sentinels were about as real as Iran's nuclear weapon's program. Then Kid Omega poked that twisted little mind of his and revealed that he loved to beat children because it made him as happy as a school girl in a Barbie factory. Apparently, beating your kids isn't a big deal in Iran because his people are still supporting his sadistic ass. Having made an ass of himself, he does what any crazed tyrant would do. He prepares to unleash a giant robot. Granted, this is a country where clean water is akin to Christian gay porno so the prospect that they could get the sentinels working in the same way they get their nuclear weapons working is laughable. So it's not too surprising when the sentinel goes haywire and starts killing people.

As would be expected, this new global mutant crisis prompts the X-men to cancel class for the younger segment of the team. It's not quite as fun as a snow day, but most will take anything to get out of doing homework. Wolverine even tells them in a way that's not all that reassuring either that they need to stay in their rooms and wait until the giant mutant-killing robots are sent back to Radioshack. This actually leads to a pretty compelling scene between Wolverine and Idie, who really hasn't had a chance to do dick in Generation Hope. She outright says to Wolverine that they're monster. He doesn't agree, but it doesn't bother her. It seems to stick with Wolverine as he goes to meet up with Cyclops and Emma, who are trying to govern this latest crisis. But Wolverine is definitely affected by her statement. It shows in how he's extra mean to Cyclops, which can be hard to gauge at times. But trust me! The subtext is there!

Then we leave the serious and the dramatic to take a stroll down WTF boulevard. Remember the end of the last issue? The one where a 12-year-old kid shot his father and manged to become Black King of the Hellfire Club? Well it turns out that shit wasn't a joke or some illusion that even the best prescription meds from a Mexican pharmacy couldn't match. It really happened. This Kilgore kid is actually Black King and now the Hellfire Club happens to consist of old men. Now I usually don't read too deeply into works of fiction, but when a boy is involved in an organization of old men then something very sick is going on or it's a NAMBLA conference. Whatever the case, this kid somehow has these old men wrapped around his finger. They give him four billion dollars and allow him to implement this master plan of his, which may or may not involve slaughtering any and all teachers that ever gave him homework.

A kid running the Hellfire Club is almost less believable than mutants fighting killer robots. It's actually a relief to see the X-men doing what they do best, spanning the globe and taking out all the old sentinels that every country has stock piled. It's a nice way of showing that this story involves all the X-men and not just the Cyclops/Wolverine bromance. By far one of the best moments comes when Rogue and Kitty Pryde visit Iran. Remember that child-beating leader of theirs? Well he's quite emasculated when two beautiful mutant women who have no problem showing their cleavage destroy his sentinel and save his sadistic life. If that weren't humiliating enough, Kitty makes it a point to say that she's Jewish as well.

Now I'm not usually one to make political statements that don't involve making fun of Glenn Beck, but this was by far the most satisfying scene in the issue. It made me stand up and shout "Take that, Iran! America, fuck yeah!" So thank you, Marvel! Thanks for tapping my inner patriot!

I'm sure Wolverine and Cyclops would be content to blow up every sentinel, call it a day, and have a beer together. But back on Utopia, Wolverine is in a worse mood than usual. He hates the idea of being left behind while others go out and butcher sentinels. Hell, that's his idea of a Saturday morning jog. But Cyclops insists that he and the X-men's heavy hitters stay on Utopia in case someone pulls a wild card (although I bet he's not anticipating a sinister plot by a crazy kid). Wolverine also insists they go after Kid Omega, who started this mess when he made his little political statement in the last issue. While he and Cyclops argue, Kid Omega saves them the trouble. He shows up right at their doorstep, looking more smug than Donald Trump when he's taking a stroll down Harlem.

Speaking of smug, remember that kid? Well at the risk of implying too much pederasty, he enlists other kids his age to help him out with this sinister plan of his. These other kids look like the kind of kids you would find in a Middle School whining about how their mommy and daddy won't let them wear thongs or watch Cinemax after 11 pm. But they carry themselves like Kilgore. They meet up with what look like a cross between aliens and a crazy pitbull you might see your hillbilly neighbor unleash on the mail man when he fails to deliver his monthly porno. For some reason, these kids approach it as if they're buying candy (or pot). The aliens actually sound like the rational ones because they think it's pretty fucked up they're dealing with kids. Then one of them throws a hissy fit and fucking butchers their ass. No, I'm not joking. A 12-year-old girl with a Hello Kitty pack and all turns into the fucking Punisher and slaughters these aliens just to take some creepy canister that looks like it came from Jack Kavorkian's basement. It's more WTF icing piled atop a layer that was already smothering the series.

Now I poke fun at this whole kid Hellfire deal, but there is a serious issue here. Using kids in the Hellfire Club is quite a twist, but it walks a fine line between twist and just plain fucked up. I mean I know 12-year-olds are pretty sadistic creatures. They're underdeveloped brains make them capable of so much irrational cruelty. But turning them into these Hellfire goons is pretty fucked up even by comic book standards. I'm assuming there are more details that haven't been revealed, but some hints or clues would help combat the WTF aspect. For a comic that's supposed to be part of a serious turning point, it really is fucked up.

Back in the more rational world of mutants, sentinels, and Emma Frost's boobs there are some more serious matters at hand. Quentin Quere's smug entrance is about as welcome as a cockroach. Wolverine wastes no time in roughing him up. He also suggests they bring in Captain America and the Avengers to help them. It makes perfect sense. This is a global threat and the Avengers fighting alongside the X-men would help give them some badly needed credibility. This is where Cyclops makes a decision that marks a huge turning point for him and the X-books as a whole.

He says no. Captain America even calls them and offers his assistance. Yet Cyclops actually goes so far as to hide Quentin and LIE to the guy that bangs lady liberty like no one else can. He's logic is pretty fucked up. He believes that mutants need to resolve this in order to maintain their credibility. Well after all this time of making tough decisions that seem to always pan out, he's making one so bone headed that he seems like a regular, incompetent politician. It's a huge shift because ever since the Utopia arc, Cyclops has been the man with the plan. Now he's Rear Admiral Dip-Shit, ignoring help and trying to go solo. He should have called up George W. Bush and asked him how that worked out. Maybe then he would realize just how dumb a decision he's making.

To his credit, Wolverine doesn't go blathering to Cap that Cyclops is jerking his chain and not in the way classic San Francisco way. He keeps Quentin quiet like a good, loyal compatriot ought to. But he makes it clear that he doesn't like it. He would much rather have the help of a guy who has been fighting killer robots longer than anyone. But he doesn't. It marks the first real sticking point where Wolverine starts to hate following Cyclops's orders for reasons that don't involve him sleeping with Jean Grey. Kid Omega is still really smug about it, but Cyclops makes it clear he hates his guts and if he knows what's good for him he'll be grateful that they don't publicly crucify his sorry ass.

So they have Kid Omega in custody and the sentinels everybody is throwing at them are more outdated than Gordan Gekko's cell phone. So it sounds like this is an easy crisis to resolve. Well when is it ever THAT easy for the X-men? As it just so happens, there's a museum celebrating mutant history opening that. It's presumably next to the museum documenting the history of bondage and S&M. But seeing as how Quentin hit the X-men during a very public event, it stands to reason that they'll get another nasty surprise at their next public event. So like any semi-competent leader, Cyclops has the X-men show up in force. Yeah, that's a peaceful gesture. Again, it shows signs that Cyclops is slipping and slipping worse than Mel Gibson in a cynagog.

Even if it's a questionable public gesture, it's not without merit. Because while they're entering the museum amidst so much public scrutiny, the Kilgore kid and his kid Hellfire goons are preparing to strike. Remember, they still have that creepy alien spore they bought from those poor aliens that were just looking to pick on some snotty Earth children. So they've already got a mean streak going and they're prepared to keep it going. That means we'll finally get some convergence on this WTF story with the Kilgore kid and what's going on with the X-men. I hope by the end it makes enough sense to make me stop banging my head against a piece of heavy mining equipment. I've already brained my damage enough.

The end of this issue makes it official official! The cracks have shown and some WTF has seeped through. The highlight of this issue among many is the first clear sign that Cyclops is losing his grip on power. And it's not because of an outside threat this time. It's his own incompetence. His balls have grown too heavy for his scrotum to support. He thinks his country can deal with both the sentinels and Quentin. There's a fine line between confidence and arrogance and Cyclops pretty much date raped it in this issue. It's a clear sign that Cyclops is starting to lose it. He's held onto his power and the unity of his kind for this long. Now he's poised to make a mistake that will give Wolverine one too many reasons to stab him. More than anything else, this makes the issue truly groundbreaking.

While Cyclops's inner George Bush was a the highlight, the new Hellfire Club was the lowlight. So a kid worms his way into the Hellfire Club, which is now run by old men? What is this, Ancient Greece? When did the Hellfire Club start making pederasty it's new policy? If that weren't fucked up enough, the new Black King recruits more kids who are somehow more sadistic than your typical 12-year-old. I'm not sure if Marvel is trying to send a message that kids are evil and we should stop reproducing or if there's something else that's making these kids competent enough not to piss themselves when they start making deals with alien killers. I'm willing to wait and see what comes of this truly WTF twist that Marvel is developing. It doesn't completely detract from the issue, but it is a goofy twist that makes the book somewhat hard to take seriously at times.

Until that explanation about the new kid-centric Hellfire Club comes, Schism will have a serious hole in the plot. However, this issue still succeeds in a key area. It begins the actual schism between Wolverine and Cyclops. Jason Aaron crafts that moment wonderfully, showing in a way that's perfectly in line with the characters how the animosity begins. Now it's poised to grow over the course of the next three issues. A lot can happen in that time. The potential is there and this issue succeeded in setting up so much of it. That's why I give X-men Schism #2 a 4 out of 5. It an issue that gives Cyclops and Wolverine more reasons to beat the shit out of each other and you know more are coming so it can only get bloodier! Since that seems to be the very core of this series, I deem the beginning of Schism a success! Nuff said!

Uncanny X-Force #12 - Dramatic Awesome

Well bend me over, kiss my ass, and shave the hair off my balls! The wait is over! The next issue of Uncanny X-Force has arrived! Has it really been that long? In the time between issue 11 and issue 12, Casey Anthony became a free woman and Amy Whinehouse went to that big rehab clinic in a sky. Damn! It has been too long! For a time, this series was on rapid fire. Rick Remender churned out quality stories the same way Russia churns out quality vodka and tennis stars/cover girls. He really stepped up his game as he began the Dark Angel Saga, his dimension hopping uber-arc that linked 616 with Age of Apocalypse. The last issue ended with X-Force stranded in Age of Apocalypse and Wolverine finally confronting a version of Jean Grey that he doesn't have to immediately stab. To have to wait this long for a story like that is like having to wait 134 days for the NFL to get back in business. Wait...bad example!

Now I'll be the first to point out that crossovers are gimmicks by definition. They can be pretty damn cheap sometimes. They're like the reality TV of comics. However, just like over 95 percent or reality TV is trash, there's a small 5 percent where crossovers can be pretty damn awesome. What makes Uncanny X-Force crossing over with 616 so compelling is that Age of Apocalypse has a number of characters that are currently shacking up with Amy Whinehouse in 616. Nightcrawler, Jean Grey, and Sabretooth are all dead and buried and Marvel has little inclination to bring their asses back. So instead, we get a story where X-Force gets to confront these characters and we get to see them in a way that isn't the same as a full blown resurrection, but it's something none-the-less. It's like having your cake and eating it to. It's not quite the same. It's still a gimmick. But it can still be awesome! It takes a damn good writer to make a gimmick awesome and Rick Remender has shown with Uncanny X-Force that he's pretty damn good.

Now in the last issue, it was a fairly compelling moment when Wolverine and X-Force confronted Age of Apocalypse Nightcrawler and Sabretooth. But the real pants-shitting reaction came when he met up with Age of Apocalypse Jean Grey, who unlike her 616 counterpart was never cock-blocked from shacking up with Wolverine. So when he saw her and she saw him, it was a big fucking deal. Rick Remender ended the last issue with them seeing one another for a reason. That's exactly where this issue begins.

Now I'll also go on record as saying that I think the Wolverine/Jean Grey relationship in 616 is more fucked than a three dollar whore outside a Viagra factory. But Age of the Apocalypse is one of the few (actually, it's the only) places where the relationship actually worked. So it's awkward for both of them. Wolverine is left with a bottle of whiskey making sense of it, musing how he had such a huge hard-on for Jean Grey. Then Age of Apocalypse Jean comes in and reminds him that the Wolverine she knew is gone and she misses that sweet, feral ass of his. It makes for a powerful moment and one that will send Jean Grey fans into seizures for the next month or so or whenever the hell the next issue comes out.

While Jean is lamenting on how she lost her version of Wolverine, the Wolverine that never got to tap that beautiful ass of hers is musing endlessly on how hot she is and how much he wants to bone her. He does show some reservation to make it seem like he's not a complete prick. He reminds Jean that he's not the same Logan that she fell in love with. He also reminds himself that he's boning someone else at the moment, which would be Melita. That doesn't stop AOA Jean from actually hinting that it might be better if he stayed in the world Apocalypse ravaged just to be with her. So she lost her Wolverine and she's okay with a substitute. Not sure what that says about her, but it's no more fucked up than any of the other relationships Marvel has ever utilized.

Now I'll state again that the Wolverine/Jean relationship was so horribly managed in 616 that I had mixed feelings about this scene. But given that this is AOA Jean, it does have a different context and one that is very well-done. I still have a problem with Remender depicting Jean as the love of Wolverine's life. Never mind his fascination with redhead pre-dated Jean (which would be Rose) and that he came close to marrying Mariko. I disagree strongly with him making it sound like Wolverine is overly hung up on Jean Grey when he still makes pilgrimages to Mariko's grave every year. But that doesn't make the kiss Jean tempts him into any less sweet.

But just like in 616, Wolverine gets cock-blocked before he can enjoy this moment. This time it isn't Cyclops who gets in his way. It's a fucking sentinel. And in the Age of Apocalypse universe, that's a pretty big deal because Apocalypse uses more style in their killer robots in 616. Also keep in mind they're in Atlantis, which means they're fucking underwater so it's a dangerous attack. But AOA Jean shows that she's more badass than even the Jean that Wolverine knew and makes quick work of it. Again, Jean fans should go into their second round of seizures at this point. If you start seeing blue flashes and a face of Teddy Roosevelt calling you a pussy, then it's time to call a doctor.

The sentinel attack means that Apocalypse knows where the X-men are. So that means Atlantis is no longer safe for them (as if anywhere was safe on Age of Apocalypse to begin with). That means Jean and Logan don't have time for a quick bone. They have to rally the troops and make their move. So they meet up with the rest of the Age of Apocalypse misfits, which included a neutered MODOK and a twisted version of X-men that looks like something Alan Moore would write on his lunch break. They discuss their mission, which links to this celestial seed that X-Force needs to save Angel. And since Dark Beast screwed them over (again) by stranding them in Age of Apocalypse, they have to find a way to get back.

So the mission they come up with is two-fold. One team would locate the ruins of a dead celestial to recover the components of the seed. The other would seek out the Age of Apocalypse version of Gateway, whose powers they say should get them back to their world. There's just one problem, one that goes beyond raiding the dead body of a Celestial. Gateway is in the Akkaba prison, which is their version of Guantanamo Bay mixed with Alcatraz. It's not a tourist attraction or a prop in a Michael Moore movie. It's dangerous on a level that even Deadpool can't joke about, but seeing as how Atlantis is now essentially an underwater coffin they really don't have a choice.

Before they head off onto this mission, we get another enema of soap-opera drama. But this is the good kind! The one you pay a prostitute working her way through med-school to do. This time it's Psylocke and Fantomex. Now Fantomex has made no secret of his intent to bone Psylocke. Hell, he seems intent on boning every beautiful woman like any snooty faux French man would. But he's being a hell of a dick to Psylocke because she's trying to save Angel. Everything she's doing on this mission is to save the man she loves and that's a pretty big issue for her. So leave it to Fantomex to be a massive dick-cheese by saying she's deluding herself into thinking that this is healthy for her. What makes it even worse is the man has a point.

Now I normally don't agree with snooty jack-offs like Fantomex, but he hits the nail on the head with Psylocke and not in a way that costs a hundred bucks in Tijuana. He points out that so much of Psylocke's relationship with Angel has been about helping him. That she loves being needed almost as much as she loves the man. There may be some truth to that because throughout Uncanny X-Force, most of their relationship has revolved around Psylocke helping Angel with his Arcangel persona. He's not wrong to point that out. It's a great way to add a new angle to a relationship that has just begun to face such scrutiny.

As expected, Psylocke punches Fantomex in the face for being an asshole. But then in a move that's completely unexpected, she fucking kisses him. Or actually, he kisses her. Yeah, he's a jerk, but he's a jerk that can get a woman's panties wet in all the right ways. He's a guy who doesn't need help and that is something that can appeal to Psylocke. It doesn't come completely out of nowhere since Fantomex has flirted with her before, but it still seems a bit contrived. It's one of the few instances where the cover of a comic isn't a massive tease. But Psylocke does push him away. She makes it clear that she's not giving up on Angel just because some smooth-talking French man told her so, although she is clearly tempted. It adds yet another layer of drama on top of Wolverine having a chance to bone an inter-dimensional version of Jean.

The teams separate before anyone else can try to get in a quick bone. Fantomex's team heads off to find the Celestial. Wolverine and Jean's team heads off to Akkaba. Along the way, Wolverine meets up with Kirika, who is his daughter in Age of Apocalypse. She's like a cross between X-23 and Psylocke, which in and of itself should give everyone with an Asian fetish a six-foot boner. It also gives Wolverine a chance to bond with someone who doesn't have red hair, showing that he's not just out to get freaky with a redhead.

When they arrive at the prison, it's as dark and dreary as you would expect any prison run by Apocalypse. It's a shitty place to find their ticket home, but no worse than a TSA pat down at LAX I suppose. Along the way, Wolverine makes a bold request. He suggests to Jean that since Age of Apocalypse is pretty much fucked that some of them (namely her) comes back to 616 with him. Now this is a hell of a turn. Earlier he was trying to push Jean away because she wasn't the Jean he knew. Now he's asking her to come back? I guess he (and Rick Remender) forgot about Melita. That's quite a shift and one that will leave some with mixed feelings. 616 already has a Jean Grey knock-off in Hope Summers. It doesn't need a psudeo-Jean from another dimension. Luckily, they don't get much of a chance to debate it because Apocalypse's prison guards show up and they're not just overpaid guys in uniforms. They're basically a collection of Marvel heroes and villains that were run through a Marilyn Manson concert. It's as awesome as it sounds.

The team knows this isn't a fight they can win. So rather than push their luck, they let their balls shrivel and make a run for it. Now you would expect in a comic like this that Remender just throw as much action into the scene as possible, but it makes sense when you consider they're not looking to beat the shit out of an Apocalypse-fueled band of super-powered assholes. They're trying to find their ticket home. Well they don't end up running too far because they end up finding it. They also find out what happened to the Wolverine in Age of Apocalypse. Earlier, Jean Grey told a story about how he was lost in a battle against Apocalypse. Well he apparently got better and got a promotion in the process. That's right! Just as Angel is becoming Apocalypse in 616, Wolverine became Apocalypse in AOA! He shows he's not a nice guy when he fucking kills Kirka, the daughter Wolverine never even got a chance to know. That's what X-Force is up against. That's the kind of shit you can only get in a book like this!

So once again, Marvel throws a corpse into the mix to add shock value for a book. Now at this stage in comics, most should be pretty numb to shit like this. But when it's done with such an amazingly awesome backdrop, that numbness is nullified and as overstimulated as Ted Haggard's dick at an Elton John concert. This final moment is like a cherry on top of a perfectly layered cake. This issue was heavy on drama, dumping a lot of ink on soap-opera shit like Jean/Wolverine and Psylocke/Fantomex. One made you go aww and the other made you want to shit out your kidneys. Then in between we get a sentinel attack, an assault by a fucked up collection of biker villains, and the appearance of Wolverocalypse (I know that sounds goofy as hell, but that's what I'm calling him). You couldn't ask for more if it came with a free bag of weed.

If there's any flaw with this book, it's that it took so damn long to get here! I get that awesome shit is worth waiting for, but when a book is so heavy on drama like this one then waiting sure doesn't help. Over time, you get overstimulated by other shit like Fear Itself and Schism. Also, certain fans with certain tastes may be turned off. There are those out there who despise the Jean/Logan relationship and for good reason. You may not agree with Rick Remender's note at the beginning about how Jean Grey was the love of Logan's life. That's bullshit on a stick. He nearly married Mariko and Jean married Cyclops. Remender needs to check up on his history. Then there's the whole issue with Melita. One minute Wolverine is pushing Jean away and then he's offering her to come back to 616 with him and why would he want to do that? Just so she could stand around and make Cyclops look like an idiot (when he doesn't need help with that in the first place)? It's too much of a 180 and pretty much ignores the Melita issue. But if you don't really give a shit about Wolverine's love life, there' not much else to complain about.

Uncanny X-Force has been one of the best X-books on the rack since it started and the Dark Angel Saga is already cementing itself as the arc that will solidify it in the annuls of X-books for years to come. There are still a lot of unresolved issues. The stage is definitely set for some crazy shit involving Wolverocalypse. The prospect of some Age of Apocalypse refugees finding their way to 616 is a big fucking deal as well, even if the whole timeline of this arc is still confusing as hell. Overall, at a time when there are a lot of exciting X-books unfolding, Uncanny X-Force #12 still finds a way to stand out. For that, it's awesome deserves extra praise! I give this issue a very spirited 5 out of 5. It tells a great story while putting dead characters to good use. It's an awesome combination that makes Uncanny X-Force worth it's weight in adamantium! Nuff said!

X-men #14 - Revelations of Awesome

So the X-men mythos has been moving forward at a breakneck pace lately. It's been going so fast that if Lindsey Lohan were driving it, it would have killed no fewer than 500 pedestrians and injured 1000 more. With Fear Itself, Schism, and the Dark Angel Saga unfolding in other books it's easy to overlook some of the other stories that have been unfolding in the X-books. Somewhere within this maze of awesome, Chris Yost has been telling a kick-ass story called X-men First To Last. It started with Giant Sized X-men, a book I gave high marks to for telling a story in both the present and the past that came together so nicely that Stephen Hawkings could use it in his next equation for a unified theory. Since then it's been unfolding in the adjectiveless X-men series, which by and large had been an underwhelming book after Mutants vs. Vampires sizzled. Between this and all the other awesome shit the X-books are churning out, my wallet has been pissing in my coffee for spending so much on X-men comics. But for awesome this great, drinking my own piss is a small price to pay!

X-men First To Last has been like two comics in one. It tells a story of the current X-men and the First Class X-men (the real First Class and not the shitty movie that just ripped off the name). Both eras are bound by a mysterious group of enemies calling themselves the Evolutionaries. They're like 80s rock bands that pretended to be gods, except these guys actually are gods and probably get better poon. Part of the mystery surrounding this stories is that these powerful god-like beings visited the X-men in the past when they were still growing into their skin-tight spandex. They came with the intent of killing every human in order to save every mutant. I don't get the logic either. Apparently having god-like power means you can kick logic's ass and nail it's girlfriend. But somehow, they were stopped and everybody forgot about it. That is until Cyclops was having one of his sweet Jean Grey fantasies and remembered just in time to see the Evolutionaries return.

The last issue started tying both eras together by revealing that the Evolutionaries sought out someone to speak for all mutant-kind. Charles Xavier wouldn't cooperate because he just had this thing about genocide. It didn't jive with him. After calling him a pussy, they went for Magneto. He wanted to get a message out to all mutants and to do that he needed a psychic. So what did he do? He abducted a pre-blonde, pre-Hellfire Club, pre-stuck up bitch Emma Frost when she was still a drooling brunette in an insane asylum. He planned on using her to show the Evolutionaries that he was the mack-daddy of homo superior, thus allowing them to do what he just tried and failed at doing in the first battle with the X-men. It sounds a bit lazy, but when super-powerful space gods offer a chance to do your dirty work it's pretty damn stupid not to take advantage of it. That's like the entire Swedish gymnastics team offering you a lifetime gig as personal gigalo and turning it down.

X-men #14 continues with another flashback to show just who these Evolutionaries are and where they came from. It was revealed in the last two issues that they were there when homo sapiens first manifested. Now they're showing how they got their super-cool space-god look that allows them to fuck with evolution the same way kids fuck with ants. They're armed with Celestial technology, which is like the blood of Jesus mixed with the sweat of Mohammed blended with the hair of Zeus. They aren't assholes about it either. They believe that what they're doing is actually for the betterment of mutants and they'll thank them for it. Just as an abusive father says his kids will one day thank him for how he beat the shit out of them. Okay, I take it back. They are assholes.

Whether it's two million years ago or the present, the Evolutionaries make it clear that they can pack some serious heat. At the end of the last issue, they confront Magneto. And if you've been following the story in the First Class era, you know he was more his old asshole self during that time. He actually worked with the Evolutionaries. So when they confronted him, it wasn't clear if he would fight them or embrace them. It's almost like being torn between hating Paris Hilton yet still wanting to nail her. But like everyone else whose name isn't Scott Summers, Magneto doesn't remember what happened with the Evolutionaries. So he does what comes naturally. He unleashes his trademark Magneto badassery. But against the Evolutionaries, he might as well be trying to beat them with feather duster.

When they were done with them, they went after Emma Frost (who was starting to remember her role in the First Class era) and demanded that she fork over her fuck buddy. Normally, she would be crass and crude about it in a way that still made you want to bone her. But against the Evolutionaries, even the power of sex appeal can only go so far.

It offers a nice segway into the past. Just as the Evolutionaries are threatening to undo all that fancy plastic surgery that makes Emma so bonerific, we see how Magneto and his old school Brotherhood abducted pre-surgery Emma from the insane asylum. The First Class tried to stop them, but Magneto was not about to pass up a chance to eliminate the human race with the help of space gods bearing gifts of genocide. He brought down the house on the X-men in ways my old frat parties could only dream of. It forced Jean Grey to save their asses, which is something I know some fans miss seeing. Her being the strong one and the Emma being the crazy one. At one point they try to wrestle Emma away from Magneto's dirty, possibly perverse clutches. Mastermind makes sure they leave with their prize, which leaves them as vulnerable as an anorexic supermodel who just puked up her steamed celery lunch/dinner.

Magneto does not give the X-men a chance to come after him. This is the Magneto of old. He's not inclined to be merciful to the X-men or make friends with them in an effort to nail Rogue. He's perfectly fine with sending a whole building crashing down on Charles Xavier and his X-men. It's Magneto in his most basic form and it's worth bringing up because this is a Magneto that hasn't really been shown in over a decade. Since House of M, he's been a very watered down villain. So much so that he's not much of a villain anymore. He parades around as this reformed, loyal associate for Cyclops. But lest we forget, this guy once had a hard-on for burying the X-men under rubble. I think that's a powerful image to show because some readers might not remember that shit and unlike me, it isn't because they killed so many brain cells with booze.

This leads to yet another wonderful segway back into the present. Remember how the Evolutionaries made Magneto look like one of Michael Vick's old dogs? Well he was able to channel some of that inner badass that once allowed him to lay waste to the X-men and fight back against the Evolutionaries. It keeps them intact, which is a small victory at best. But the Evolutionaries quickly turn it back around. They encourage Magneto to take charge like he did back in the day and kill Cyclops. He seemed to have no problem with it during the First Class era. Why not finish the job? Apparently, the Evolutionaries haven't been keeping up with Uncanny lately. If they had they would have known that Magneto is now Cyclops's biggest cheerleader minus the pom-poms and strained pelvic muscles.

In addition to Magneto getting the Joe Pesci treatment, we revisit Cerebro where Toad and a few curious mutants have been harassing Celeste. And it isn't just because she's in a sexy school girl's uniform. This isn't anime porn. This also began in the last issue. Toad was around for the First Class battle as well. So he's got plenty of reasons to be curious and he and his cronies make it clear that they want the truth. They want it in the Jack Nicholson style manner, minus the cocaine. Seeing as how the Evolutionaries are kicking everybody's ass, the truth would be a decent consolation prize even if it means not shitting right for the rest of their lives.

Another plot that began in the last issue, but was glossed over more than John Boehner's eyes after watching Old Yeller. The X-men's science team, namely Prodigy and Madison Jefferies, were working on something under Cyclops's order. They were trying to get some sort of machine working. They were light on specifics, but it didn't really matter because some of Toad's friends showed up to make sure it wouldn't get completed. It seems pretty damn counterproductive. I'm assuming they're aware that the Evolutionaries are kicking the X-men's ass and they want to make it worse? But again, they don't remember. Nobody besides Cyclops remembers. So while this scene may seem a little off (which is probably the only time this issue seems off), it still has a purpose. We probably won't know that purpose until the end.

We go back to the past, minus the clean segway this time. But it picks up right where the last First Class moment left off so it's not too big a deal. It was a given that they survived Magneto thrusting a giant fucking building over their heads. Otherwise the story in the present would be completely fucked. Once again, Jean Grey shows she's good for more than just dying every so often for the X-men. She protects them so they can hatch a plan. Xavier discovers that Magneto is taking the drooling, probably drugged Emma Frost back to the Xavier Institute to use Cerebro (and possibly feeling her up along the way since this is the pre-reformed Magneto). So Cyclops and Angel plan to fly out ahead so they can show that while Magneto may think he's the mack daddy of mutants, they're not his hos.

While Angel and Cyclops race towards Magneto, he arrives at the Xavier Institute with the Brotherhood and the still straight-jacketed Emma Frost. It's probably the least sexy thing Emma Frost has worn in two decades. She's also more out of it than a stoner who just watched all three Matrix movies while high. She seems to have no fucking clue that she's about to participate in mass genocide. That doesn't seem to bother Magneto. Once Emma is strapped into Cerebro, he sends a message to every mutant he can.

In this scene we also get a nice treat. With this message, Magneto reaches some familiar faces. We see Storm before she shacked up with Black Panther, Wolverine when he was still wearing the kitten-scratch mask, and Namor before he dedicated his life towards banging hot blondes. Mystique and Sinister show up as well to show that both good guys and bad guys are hearing this shit, which opens the door to another striking possibility. It wasn't just Cyclops and the Original Five who didn't remember the Evolutionaries. The whole fucking mutant race knew and somehow just plain forgot. That's like going out for a night on the town with Charlie Sheen, banging every Sports Illustrated swim-suit model, and solving the energy crisis and then just forgetting the next morning. And worst of all, there's no hangover to indicate that you had a great fucking time and there's no hooker in your bed complaining about how you kept wanting her to call you 'celestial sex god.'

This possibility is made all the more striking when the Evolutionaries seem pleased with Magneto's efforts. They sense that he did indeed reach all of mutant-kind. They were looking for someone to speak for everybody and Magneto, being the arrogant prick that he was during this time, made an over-the-top statement that was almost on par with LeBron jumping ship on Cleveland. Some aren't on board with this. Emma Frost, despite being more wacked out of her mind than David Lee Roth after visiting a Mexican pharmacy, voiced her disapproval about mass genocide. Keep in mind, this is before Sebastian Shaw sank his teeth (among other parts of his body) into her. That didn't stop Mastermind from attacking her mind and shutting her the hell up, something Emma Frost would never do again. It sends enough of a message to the Evolutionaries. They found their guy and they're ready to give humanity the same treatment that Saudi Arabia would give Elton John and Lady Gaga if they ever dared visit.

So while the word was spreading in the past, the present had Cyclops escape from hiding and confront the Evolutionaries. He knows better than the others that there's no beating the Evolutionaries. They might as well be Glenn Beck's therapist. There's just no winning with their brand of crazy. At the same time, Toad and his buddies are still harassing Celeste in ways that are actually pretty humane for a cute girl in a school girls outfit. I've seen 13-year-olds from my old middle school be more cruel to a girl dressed like that. But Toad finally gets what he's been fighting for (as impossible as that may seem given how many times he's had his ass kicked). He gets Celeste to broadcast psychically the truth they've all been seeking. Just as Magneto reached every mutant in the past, Celeste now reaches them in the present. It's parallel so beautiful you could jerk off to it. Hell, there's already a cute girl in a school girl's outfit to get you going! But beyond that, it finally lifts the mystery that's been lingering over everybody except Cyclops since the beginning of this story.

So now they remember. They know what Cyclops did and they aren't too happy about it. Even if the guy is nailing Emma Frost, they can't have too much respect for someone who keeps secrets that involve uber-powerful space gods. Among those now in the know, Magneto has the truth. He remembers that he once had a chance to end the battle against humanity and avoid all the crazy bullshit he went through since the first battle in Uncanny. Seeing as how he's fucked him over in ways that Ukrainian gymnast couldn't match, no one would blame him for wanting to finish what he started. The truth is out. Now the X-men don't just have the Evolutionaries standing against them. They have a very pissed off Magneto as well. It's as if someone ripped your arms off and then Hulk Hogan challenged you to an arm-wrestling match. You couldn't get more fucked unless you had a suitcase of hundred dollar bills in a Bankok brothel.

We're almost there, folks! Set aside your Scooby Snacks because the secrets are coming out! If I sound giddy, it's not because I'm high or mixed Red Bull with smack again. This is how I get when the comics I read craft strong, coherent stories that come together as nicely as a freshly baked batch of brownies (weed optional). X-men First to Last had to really do something in order to stand out from the other stellar stories that have been unfolding throughout the Marvel universe. It definitely succeed by taking the past and the present and uniting them in what can only be described as an orgy of awesome. This comic took the mystery of what had been building and finally brought it to the surface. Now Magneto, Emma, and everyone knows what happened with the Evolutionaries and it's something worth being pissed about. Yet there's still just enough unanswered questions to set the stage for a climax that if it were any more heightened it would be banned by the DEA for being too awesome.

The basis of this arc is awesome enough, but putting it together is a hell of a challenge. Telling two stories in the past and present and finding a way to keep them both coherent while being linked it like trying to juggle poison tipped daggers while walking a tight-rope over a lake of lava. It could very easily devolve into an incoherent clusterfuck, but Chris Yost manages to keep it together. The ability for this story to use both the First Class and the contemporary X-men in a solid, believable way is nothing to scoff at. Whatever minor criticisms there may be, they're greatly outshined by the sheer completedness of this story. And there's still one issue left! The potential for greater awesome is still there, which in and of itself should get any X-men fan's heart racing like a lap dance in Bankok.

I did mention minor criticisms. They are there. This issue was packed with action, which is to be expected at this point in the story. Not all the action seemed to fit. That scene in the lab didn't seem all that necessary, but it followed the underlying theme of the story in a way that it's really hard to notice unless you're dead set on being an asshole about it. I've given a lot of high marks to a few X-books lately. I honestly never thought with a sober mind that Marvel would be delivering this kind of quality in their X-books. My wallet may hate me, but I'm not complaining! X-men #14 gets a 5 out of 5. It's yet another layer of icing on the sweet cake that is X-men. Nuff said!

CBR X-POSITION: Marjorie Liu - My Questions Asked for One of My Favorite Comics

Another week and it's yet another reason for me to dance naked with joy. Usually I don't need much reason. A bottle of whiskey and a Blu-Ray copy of the Hangover is usually enough to get me more worked up than Anthony Wiener at a co-ed frat party. Today, CBR had their weekly X-POSITION column and that's usually a great prelude to new comic day. Sort of like being flashed by a stripper before going to the VIP room. This week it was Marjorie Liu.

 CBR: X-POSITION - Marjorie Liu

Now I've made no secret of my love for her work. My past two reviews of X-23 have been laced with the kind of praise I only reserve for the truly awesome. I wouldn't be that generous if it wasn't earned. The story of X-23 has been so amazingly compelling. The story of a teenage girl/mutant killing machine sounds like something you would only see in a Quintin Tarantino movie. But X-23 is more than an idea a semi-sober college student would conjure. It has action, depth, and above all heart. Not too many characters get that kind of treatment. Majorie Liu has done an amazing job and me being the curious drunk I am, I have a lot of questions. And CBR was kind enough to ask two of them.


MarvelMaster616 had a couple of questions that cut to the quick:

Marjorie, you're doing an amazing job at making "X-23" one of my favorite books. For this, I thank you. Keep up the excellent work, and here's my questions:

1) Wolverine seems to have his hands full with both Jubilee and Laura, but Laura seems to be doing a lot worse than Jubilee. Can you talk about how he's planning to help her?

That's a good question, though I don't know if I have a great answer. Wolverine isn't going to stage an intervention, but in this case he doesn't really need to.  Just being there -- showing X-23 through his presence that he does care -- will go a long way.  I think, too, that Wolverine might also feel that Gambit has taken over his role as father-figure and mentor.


2) In recent issues, you dealt with a pretty serious theme -- self-mutilation. Why is X-23 resorting to this? How did her battle against Daken in  "Collision" lead her to such a state?

She killed the innocent victims of Colcord's experiments -- and some of those victims were children.  She was able to put that aside during "Collision," but the memories are still with her...and so is the guilt.  Not just guilt for those deaths, but all the people she's killed over the years.  Guilt, like any powerful emotion, is difficult for X-23 to deal with, and pain is a safe response for her when she feels too much.


She was thorough in her answers. More thorough than Swedish masseuse trying to pay off her gambling debt by giving happy endings with her feet. It's more than usual and it pointed out something I didn't pick up on in my reviews. X-23 was messed up not just from her confrontation with Daken. But having to kill those test subjects of his (some of whom were surely kids just as unfortunate as her) messed her up. Unlike Daken, she does feel guilt when she's forced to kill someone who doesn't deserve it. Having been in that position before, it does mess her up and self-mutilation is a pretty extreme way to deal with it. Then again, X-23 is from an extreme world.

The idea of Gambit taking the role Wolverine was once inclined to fill is also intriguing. Gambit is also damaged goods in a lot of ways. He's in a somewhat better position to relate to X-23 because let's face it, Wolverine is about as stable as Larry King's last marriage. Plus, X-23's comic started during the whole Hellverine story. Now that's not to say Gambit is any better. This is a guy who willingly allowed Apocalypse to fuck him up. But compared to Wolverine, he's an amateur and he has a way with teenage girls (that goes beyond simply sleeping with them). Even if he's there during the current arc, he hasn't been there for X-23 as much as he probably should have been. He was there for Jubilee. He probably has to go a lot further with X-23 because Jubilee isn't the one cutting herself. That's something that hasn't been resolved in the current arc, but Marjorie Liu has me more excited about it than a fly around a pile of cow shit.

So now I have all the more reason to follow X-23. The current arc is heavy on drama and bloodlust. It's like the Lifetime channel meets Fight Club. There's so much going on and Marjorie Liu has worked it masterfully. I'll be sure to post another thorough review when the next issue comes out. I might even do the review sober, but I can't make any promises. Nuff said!