Rising Ashes From Two Eras: Generations: Phoenix & Jean Grey #1

The following is my review of Generations: Phoenix and Jean Grey #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

It's usually a sign when a certain character becomes best known for dying, not staying dead, and having large chunks of their history retconned and rewritten. It's rarely a good sign, but a select few can manage more balanced results. Jean Grey functions better than most with that kind of legacy. She dies, comes back to life, dies again, gets cloned, travels through time, and somehow finds a way to deal with a cosmic force. That may very well be another sign, but one that speaks to the strength of her character.

In a sense, Jean Grey is one of those characters who's always torn between two opposing forces. Sometimes it involves her being on the wrong end of a love triangle. Other times, it involves wanting to forge her own path while still confronting the many conflicts in her history. She knows she ends up dead, an icon to some and a walking resurrection joke to others. Since her arrival from the past in All-New X-men, Jean's story seems to fluctuate from one conflicting force to another.

One day, she's trying everything she can to avoid the same obstacles that doomed her adult self. The next, she's determined to face them. Given that she's a teenager and teenagers are known to have erratic methods in dealing with problems, this is understandable. It also makes Jean Grey's story somewhat chaotic. There's not a clear understanding of what she hopes to accomplish, so long as she's stuck in the future with the rest of the time-displaced X-men. Unlike her teammates, though, she can't reach out to her older self for guidance.

Now, thanks to space-time machinations for Marvel Generations, a teenage Jean Grey finally gets the chance to interact with her older self and learn from the icon herself. What plays out in Marvel Generations: Phoenix and Jean Grey #1 is not an illusion. It's not some twisted memory either. This is the real Jean Grey of X-men lore who goes onto devour a star, cheat death, get clones, and inspire any number of fights between Cyclops and Wolverine. It's as big a moment as a teenage girl can ever face outside her prom night.

Cullen Bunn and RB Silva don't just rip a teenage Jean Grey out of the present and stick her into some contrived point in the ever-changing, constantly-reconnected timeline of the X-men. Bunn shows that he's done his homework by putting the young Jean Grey in a specific moment within the original Phoenix Saga between that ran between Uncanny X-men #101 and Uncanny X-men #138. It's the kind of attention to detail that Chris Claremont himself would be proud of.

In a sense, it's the most optimal moment Jean and her older self could've chosen for their respective stories. Within the context of the original Phoenix Saga, it's that brief period where Jean had control over the Phoenix Force. She isn't corrupted, twisted, or devouring entire star systems just to see what it feels like. She's still very human in her perspective, but vulnerable to the corruption that comes with the god-like power of the Phoenix Force.

It's a narrow window for her teenage self to explore, but one that's vital within the context of her own story. It provides a clear and effective link between the conflict unfolding in Jean's solo series and the events unfolding in Marvel Generations. Once again, Jean faces the prospect of dealing with the Phoenix Force again.

She knows as well as anyone who tries to follow convoluted timelines and never-ending death/rebirth plots that it's bound to cause cosmic headaches for everyone. In order to deal with it, she needs to learn about it. She'll find no better source than this particular version of herself at this particular point in her history. Even a cosmic version of Wikipedia can't provide information that comprehensive.

As a result, Marvel Generations: Phoenix and Jean Grey #1 takes on a very personal undertone. Bunn dedicates significant parts of the narrative to exploring the inner conflict within the teenage Jean Grey. She recognizes from the beginning that this is an important opportunity, one that she can't afford to pass up. She needs to learn everything she can about the Phoenix Force. On top of that, she has spoilers to the tragedy that lies just ahead for her adult counterpart.

Despite all the implications this meeting has for both characters, Bunn resists the urge to turn teenage Jean Grey into Marty McFly from Back to the Future in that she doesn't mindlessly mess with the timeline. She actually establishes a personal connection with her older self. She doesn't attempt to deceive her or impede her. She presents herself as a friend and ally. It may seem redundant since they're the same person, but it serves an important purpose.

By becoming an ally, teen Jean gets a chance to learn about her older self outside the tragedy, heartache, and retcons that exist only in the memories of her fellow X-men. She sees that, like her, the older Jean Grey is also struggling to make sense of this cosmic power. However, her older self clearly has a different perspective of that power, which she eagerly demonstrates in ways that maximizes the visual appeal of Silva's art.

It leads to a cosmic clash between the Phoenix and Galactus. It's the kind of clash that's inherently epic on paper, but easy to mess up in a story. Bunn achieves a fitting balance of sorts, giving Jean and her adult counterpart a chance to shine and learn from each other. In doing so, it sets up a unique moment between two characters from different periods in a vast mythos. That moment carries with it a dramatic impact that maximizes the opportunity that Marvel Generations creates.

It's a moment that Marty McFly botched in Back to the Future. For Jean Grey, it's a moment of clarity that takes place at the best possible time. That's not just an outside observation either. The Watcher himself shows up to let her know just how important her decision is in the grand scheme of the never-ending chaos that is the Marvel universe. She has a chance to make the easy decision that will most definitely incur all sorts of complications and consequences. She ends up making a different choice. The fact she makes that choice as a teenager, whose natural inclinations gravitate towards easy solutions bereft of consequence, speaks to the strength of her character.

Marvel Generations: Phoenix and Jean Grey #1 is in a position to literally rewrite the history of one of the X-men's most iconic stories. It's also in a position to add even greater complications to a story that has had more than its share since the 1980s. Bunn doesn't draw the ire of Chris Claremont, nor does he completely nullify the potential of the moment. The Jean Grey from the past and the Jean Grey from the present both get something out of their encounter. It's not the same as a retcon or a time paradox, but it has a genuine impact and that impact feels relevant to both characters.

There's still a sense that teenage Jean didn't do as much as she could've. It could be argued that she didn't do as much as she should've either. However, what she ends up doing is probably the most responsible decision she could've made in that situation. For a teenager constantly looking for ways to avoid the destiny that fate has laid out for her, it speaks volumes to the strength of her character. Even if the circumstances of Marvel Generations are unclear and the overall impact is uncertain, Jean Grey shows why, no matter which era she's in, she's still the heart of the X-men.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Timely Reunion: A Sexy, Uncut Version of All-New X-men #39

If I had a chance to give Moses another commandment, I’d keep it simple. Thoust shalt not be a cock-block. There are a handful of people on this planet who deserve no sympathy. Most of them work at the DMV, Congress, or are traffic cops. But those who go out of their way to cock-block others, especially friends, deserve an adamantium coated boot in the ass.

Naturally, that kind of douche-baggery is second nature to someone like Hank McCoy. Ever since the events of Schism, he’s made it his personal mission to be the least likable character in comics who isn’t an agent for Hydra. It’s bad enough he went out of his way to bust Cyclops’ balls while offering no alternatives of any kind, never once stepping up to make the hard decisions and always looking for a moment to piss and moan about something. It’s not even enough that he achieved omega-level hypocrisy when he fucked with the timeline, putting way more than one world at risk when he brought the O5 X-men to the future. But he just had to enter his own special category of douche-baggery when he added cock-blocking to his resume.

Back during the Black Vortex story, a major X-men/Guardians of the Galaxy event that you people should totally read, O5 Cyclops reunited with his team after opting to hang out with his dad and be a space pirate for a while. As part of this reunion, he met up with O5 Jean Grey. It was awkward, as is often the case with teenagers.

But they still shared a very powerful moment that should remind X-men fans of all eras why Cyclops and Jean Grey are the most iconic couple in the history of X-men. It would’ve been even more powerful if O5 Beast hadn’t come in and cock-blocked them, thus giving me another reason to keep him on my shit list.

But what if O5 Beast hadn’t been such a total douche-bag? What if O5 Cyclops and O5 Jean Grey had a chance to actually confront each other and all these feelings that have been plaguing them since All-New X-men began? Well, by asking that question, I came up with another one of my sexy side-projects. It’s a short, simple one-shot that is essentially an uncut version of that juicy scene in All-New X-men #39. I call it Timely Reunion and for those who despise cock-blockers like Beast, I think you’ll enjoy it.

All-New X-men #39 Uncut

Timely Reunion

As always, I strongly encourage everyone to take the time to review. If anyone has any ideas for another sexy side-project, please don’t hesitate to share it. Get enough liquor and motivation in me, I’ll find a way to make it awesome. Nuff said!

Fifty Shades of Jean Grey - Official Trailer (The Sexier Version)

Let's face it, somebody was going to do this sooner or later. I like to think that this was a nice summary of Jean Grey and Wolverine's relationship during their time together in X-men Supreme. Sure, it sucked in the movies and constantly fucks up the comics. But let's face it, it's still pretty fucking hot.

All New X-men #5 - Foresight For Awesome

I've been accused of saying some pretty sexist things on this blog. I can understand how my god-given compulsion to apply breasts, tits, ass, lips, and pussy to every conversation may rub some the wrong way. I don't understand why those same people don't get as upset whenever I exercise my other god-given compulsion to make dick jokes, but I guess that's besides the point. I say this because the recent events of All New X-men have reminded me of how vindictive a scorned woman can be. Now don't think of me as a Todd Akin on women's issues. I'm all for equality, but I understand that there are certain traits that define a gender that goes beyond being able to fill out a bra. Having been on the receiving end of some pretty vindictive women, I think I can safely say that women are a few leagues above most men.

Within those leagues are special conferences reserved for teenagers, who are often intoxicated by hormones that systematically choke the rational portion of their brain. For that reason, the Original Five X-men coming to the present is akin to bringing a recently divorced woman with bad PMS to a chocolate factory and giving her an assault rifle. I think that's exactly why Brian Michael Bendis and the big wigs at Marvel have decided to base All New X-men around the Original Five coming to the present. While the team is understandably shell shocked by what they've seen in terms of who is dead, who is a douche-bag, and who has just fucking lost their minds (or a combination of all three), one character is getting most of the focus. That character is Jean Grey and for someone who has been dead for nearly a decade in the comics, it's a welcome development and it has made All New X-men worth its weight in pure Wakandan vibrainium.

All New X-men #4 finally brought together a number of different forces that Bendis had spent three issues developing. It put the Original Five and Cyclops's Extinction Team in the same scene together. Within that scene, there were some pretty fucked up reactions. None was more volatile than Jean Grey. Not only did she get confirmation that Cyclops killed Charles Xavier, she also gained a reason to question all those teenage hormones that were urging her to jump his bone. It led to a very dramatic and very awesome moment where the Original Five return to the Jean Grey Institute where Beast is dying, Jean is keeping her distance from Cyclops, and both Cyclops's have to deal with the sudden collapse of their scrotum. It's created an atmosphere of drama the likes of which only Brian Michael Bendis can create in a comic and it's helped make All New X-men one of the best new series in quite some time.

All New X-men #5 doesn't slow down in the slightest because as shell shocked as the Original Five may be, they still have other pressing concerns. Chief among them is Beast's health. Now I've given Hank McCoy a lot of shit on this blog for being a total asshole who loves to point out how other people screw up while offering absolutely no solutions. He's almost as bad as a hippie in some respects. That said, I would never wish to have him endure the horrors of a Marvel sanctioned death. After the shit that's been happening with Peter Parker in Amazing Spider-Man, nobody deserves that.

So in order to save his life, his Original Five counterpart ditches the whole no-solutions douche-bag role and decides to fix this shit. This requires that Jean Grey use the telepathic powers that she’s had for less than a fucking day to enter Beast’s mind. Never mind the disturbing fantasies he must have about bananas, balls of yarn, and Stephen Hawkings banging Marie Curie. The man is dying and when Jean is inside his mind, she’s wearing her old Marvel Girl uniform. He claims that was his favorite, but we all know that’s just code for “It allowed me to look up your skirt when you weren’t looking.” But Jean doesn’t hold that against him. Instead, she acts as a moderator of sorts for O5 Beast to figure out why his older self is dying. And wouldn’t you know it? He figures it out. Apparently, this had nothing to do with the Phoenix Force and everything to do with Beast fucking with his own mutation. For once, he can’t blame Scott Summers for his shit. Somebody check and see if Hell froze over and Charlie Sheen became a Mormon while reading this comic because I couldn’t believe it either.

Chances are he would still find a way to blame Cyclops for his shit because there’s nothing he can do that he’ll ever approve of for some reason. That probably includes reaching out to new mutants whose powers have caused their lives to crash head first into a shit factory. In the previous issue, we were introduced to a new mutant named Benjamin. He’s basically like Mystique, but without the awesome rack and the ability to give me boners I could build a shed with. He really never got a chance to do much after the Original Five showed up in the previous issue, but that whole incident get recorded by drunk college students with their cell phones so his status as a mutant is now right up there with Lindsey Lohan’s latest arrest. It led him to get kicked out of school and his parents to conveniently forget to return his calls. It is Texas after all. If the Rick Perry supporters of that state can’t stand gays or women who like to do more than pump out babies, I can’t imagine them accepting mutants. With few options and a state that’s more behind the times than a hipster’s dress sense, Cyclops offers him a chance to join his team.

This is where Bendis’s dramatic storytelling gets a little inconsistent. This kid, Benjamin, was essentially caught in the crossfire of the epic Original Five/Extinction Team clash. He flat out says he knows what Cyclops has done as well. Apparently, using cosmic power to create a global utopia is something college students frown upon when they’re not stoned. Moreover, Cyclops basically shrugs it off. This is pretty fucked up because in the last issue Bendis spent more than one page depicting Cyclops reacting in a very un-Cyclops like way when he saw Jean Grey. In this scene it looks like that shit didn’t even happen. He’s still doing what he did in the previous two issues. I’m not sure if I missed something or if I inhaled too many paint fumes as a kid, but this comes off as the kind of scene that Bendis just glossed over. Because despite Cyclops having a shitty sales pitch, Benjamin actually goes with him. He doesn’t give much of an explanation. He just decides to tag along and join Cyclops at his new Weapon X based Xavier Institute. I know college students are naïve as hell, but even the guys who set fires to couches during a frat party at least partially think shit through when strange people offer them a fresh start.

Bendis is far more consistent with his handling of the Original Five and not just because he has a red haired, green-eyed mutant NOT named Hope Summers to lean on. One of the other joys of seeing the Original Five back in action again is that we get to reconnect with the characters that we know and love before some of them became douche-bags. Now I don't want to list the many, many reasons why Beast has become a complete fucking asshat in recent years. It can basically be boiled down to bitching, whining, moaning, and generally being so unlikable that even a tiger in heat wouldn't fuck him. But his younger, non-fuzzy version is actually different. He actually embodies the traits that once made Hank McCoy awesome and he demonstrates it fully by doing what his older counterpart couldn't and curing his condition. Even when Kitty Pryde tries to get in his way, he makes it clear that he knows his shit and he's not going to be talked down to. But unlike his older counterpart, he isn't a douche about it because he's actually fixing a fucking problem rather than whining about it. It may be the only instance in the history of literature where a teenager shows more competence than an adult.

But while Beast's younger and smoother-skinned counterpart is busy fixing the shit he couldn't, he's still chatting with Jean inside his mind. She's also still in her Marvel Girl outfit so I'm assuming he tried to sneak a peak at her panties at some point. But as they chat, Beast tells Jean why he doesn't regret fucking with the space time continuum to bring the Original Five to the present. He sincerely believes that either young Cyclops will change his decisions or the Cyclops he knows will realize what an ass he's become (he's still an ass who got to fuck both Jean and Emma Frost so I doubt he'll come around anytime soon). Moreover, he shows a willingness to fuck with time even more by letting Jean read his mind so she can recall all the events of her future life, including her multiple deaths. I'm not sure if this is the dumbest thing anybody ever did with a teenage girl short of hitting on her sister while hiding her birth control pills, but I think it's right up there.

In revealing his memories, we get a very nice and very detailed depiction of the major events in Jean Grey's life. Everything from the Phoenix to X-Factor to Apocalypse to her marriage with Cyclops to her second death at the hands of Xorneto is shown and she looks at it in the same way a teenager looks at an old porno video featuring their mother, grandmother, and a midget. It's a huge moment because now Jean has something the others don't. She has actual memories to go along with all these nasty revelations. I'm sure Beast had to leave out some details like her pushing Cyclops to bone Emma Frost after her second death from the Here Comes Tomorrow future (as if anyone should need a push to bone Emma Frost). But the impact here is huge because now Jean doesn't need to ask questions. She knows how shit gets fucked up in the future.

While Jean understandably freaks out over these revelations, the rest of the team is out front debating how the handle these time displaced X-men. Wolverine's solution is simple. He wants to kill Cyclops where he stands and jerk off with his entrails so that he won't kill Charles Xavier. He even asks the others who they would rather have, douche-bag Cyclops or Xavier. Never mind the fact that it was Cyclops who led the team to victory in a shit ton of other conflicts and never mind the fact that he was right all along in Avengers vs. X-men about the Phoenix saving the mutant race. Wolverine hates his guts and wants to kill him, regardless of how much O5 Cyclops promises to not be like his future self. I'm sure Wolverine is also thinking that without Cyclops he has a better shot at tapping Jean Grey's pussy, but he's careful to not be too overt about it. He still comes off as a bigger douche than anyone else in this comic, but after the shit he's done in recent years that shouldn't shock anyone.

But what is shocking (at least to characters) is that Beast's horrendously stupid plan worked out in one way. His younger self was actually able to cure his ailment. Now he's not only as healthy as ever. He's sporting a new non-feline look. I feel it's necessary to highlight this because I've been among those who can't stand the fucking cat-Beast look. I get that tigers and lions are vicious predators, but how the fuck do you go from being an ape-man to a cat-man outside of anime porn? I loved ape Beast back in the day and while this version looks more like Hellboy took a dip in a vat a blueberries, it's a billion times more awesome than a fucking cat-beast. So in addition to bringing Jean Grey back, Bendis has made Beast more appealing at least on a visual level. So for that, he deserves an extra lap dance and a maybe even half a blowjob from fanboys.

Despite Beast's good health and Wolverine's itch to slit Cyclops's throat, the debate still rages. What the fuck do they do with the time displaced X-men. The initial inclination is to send them back to the present and hope what they know will change the present. But Jean Grey, now armed with in depth knowledge of the future, says, "Fuck that! We're staying!" They argue that if they go back, Xavier will just wipe their minds and nothing will change. For that reason, they need to stay in the future and fix it first. She calls on a vote and everyone except Warren agrees to stay. Apparently, Warren is a bit anxious about a future where he's MIA yet not dead. But that's his fucking problem. The Original Five X-men are here to stay motherfuckers!

So everything seems set. Kitty Pryde even agrees to watch over the Original Five to make sure they don't fuck up the time stream more than they need to. Hell, after she dumped Colossus's ass, she needs a new hobby. But before all is said and done, Cyclops tries to confront Jean. He's definitely in a fucked up place because now Jean knows what he becomes and he's trying to not be that asshole. Yet her first response to him trying to not be that asshole is to tell him to stay the fuck away from her. It's a powerful moment and one that leaves Cyclops in almost as bad a shape as he was at the end of the third X-men movie. But it's a powerful indicator that Jean Grey can't look at Cyclops as she once did.

This concerns me because as I've said before, fucking with the Cyclops/Jean relationship could fuck up more than just one of the most iconic comic book couples of all time. These two have had a huge influence on the history of the X-men and so has their relationship. Without their love, the Phoenix Saga doesn't happen. Without their love, Cable doesn't happen. Without Cable, Hope and the mutant messiah doesn't happen. And without the mutant messiah, Avengers vs. X-men ends with the world getting torched. There are serious fucking implications and given how Marvel has shown a willingness to soil established relationships with the filthiest of shit (see Peter/Mary Jane) there aren't many ways it can't end badly. And does the Marvel universe really need that shit at a time like this? Conversely, Bendis could find a way to expand this drama like he did with Peter and Mary Jane in Ultimate. But that's a big fucking if because when usually given the choice between the happy ending and the sad ending, Marvel loves to err on the side of pissing off their fans. Just ask Spider-Man fans how that shit is working out for them.

So the introduction arc is officially complete. Usually, this is either the high point or the low point of a series. A comic could be like one of those ingenious get-rich-quick plans you had as a teenager where you didn’t plan beyond the first step so you just ended up winging it before failing miserably. The awesome of an introduction arc is only as epic as the number of equally awesome stories that stem from it. For every Batman Begins, there’s a Daredevil. For every Christian Bale, there's a Ben Affleck. As such, for every Ultimates 2, there’s an Ultimates 3. You get the idea. All New X-men #5 capped off a new beginning and a new status quo for the X-books. It had to date rape Father Time, but after reading this issue I can officially say it was worth it!

Brian Michael Bendis is not the kind of writer that relies on having giant robots and monsters from land of Fuckitstan for every issue. He likes to draw shit out and play up the dramatics. He’s basically the anti-Michael Bay of comics. This issue really didn’t have a lot of action aside from Beast giving Jean Grey the cliff-notes version of how Marvel has fucked her over since the late 70s and Wolverine threatening to turn O5 Cyclops into relish for his hot dog in a completely non-gay way. But it didn’t need that much action. The impact of this issue revolved around the Original Five X-men choosing to stay in the present rather than go back to the past, have Charles Xavier mind-wipe them, and return to playing Pokemon games and listening to the Backstreet Boys. It’s not enough to just bring them to the future. Bendis gave them a damn good reason for staying in the present and everything made sense, was perfectly in character, and felt utterly genuine. Sure, it probably made Father Time’s asshole hurt, but to hell with that old bastard! Such is the price of awesome comics.

While the characterization of the Original Five and the dialog between the X-men was spot on, some areas were still a bit inconsistent. Cyclops and his Extinction Team really didn’t seem that impacted by the Original Five. In the previous issue, Cyclops visited Benjamin at his school in hopes of recruiting him. The Original Five showing up did precisely dick to change that. Not only that, Cyclops seemed completely unfazed by what happened in the previous issue. That’s a real WTF moment because Bendis made it pretty clear in the last issue that seeing Jean Grey again fucked him up in ways you can’t get without generous tipping inside a German S&M club. Yet that seemed to be completely lost in this issue.

Not only that, Benjamin comes off as a kid who smoked the wrong kind of weed because he went from trashing Cyclops’s track record to going along for the ride. I’m willing to give any college student a pass for making stupid decisions, depending on the amount of property damage done. However, even the most brazen of stoners aren’t fucked up enough to follow up with a guy they think is an asshole. Or maybe the stoners I know actually took that whole Stranger Danger bullshit too seriously.

This issue didn’t resolve some of the previous concerns I had about how fucked up the Cyclops/Jean relationship will fuck up Father Time even further (the man’s asshole can only take so much). However, Brian Michael Bendis succeeded establishing All New X-men as a new kind of X-book where the past and the present strip naked and engage in the most awesome kind of orgy. It won’t just give you a boner. It’ll bring a tear to your eyes with the level of drama, heart, and depth it portrays. Not only that, it actually has an alive, non-rip off Jean Grey that actually behaves like the Jean Grey we know and love. All New X-men #5 may have fallen flat with Cyclops and the Extinction Team, but it definitely does enough to get readers excited about the Original Five in the future. For that reason, I give this issue a 4 out of 5. So the Original Five are here to stay. They now have to live in a world where Steve Jobs is dead, Charlie Sheen has been fired from Two and a Half Men, One Direction has a hit album, the Saints have won a superbowl, Kim Kardashian still has a TV show, and a black man has been elected President of the United States. They’ll either find a way to wrap their heads around it or shit themselves to death trying. Nuff said!

All New X-men #1 Minor/Major Spoilers

Last year it was reported that a few scientists with way too much free time on their hands studied the effects of spoilers on movies and books. Much to the surprise of fanboys who love to bitch and moan on message boards, it was discovered that spoilers didn't ruin the story and may in fact actually enhance enjoyment. I believe they likened it to revealing to someone that they were going to fuck a supermodel. This revelation did nothing to spoil the experience. It only makes people more excited. I'm not sure if those were the researchers' exact words, but I would be shocked if it wasn't much different.

I say this because Marvel appears to have read that study. Or at least Brian Michael Bendis has because recently, he leaked some very spoileriffic scans of All New X-men #1, which isn't slated for release until November. It wasn't the result of the fine folks at 4chan hacking the scans out of Marvel's secret database, which is probably located in a lair the Red Skull would kill for. It was as intentional as me getting drunk at a kegger. I've already done a few posts on panels that have been purposefully leaked. So I might as well share them with the fine folks that enable my drinking problems. But be forewarned that the scans are somewhat low quality. I couldn't find better ones so don't get pissed at me. There's only so much a drunk with a blog can do.

First scan with O5 Beast being a douche-bag.

Second scan with O5 Beast being an even bigger douchebag.

Third scan with modern Beast being a douchebag. Anybody else noticing a trend?

Fourth scan of Beast revealing to O5 Cyclops that his future self will be the kind of raging douchebag that will incur mass genocide against mutants. That or Beast is just trying to be an even bigger douche. It's hard to tell.

So even though I intended to get drunk and review this issue when it came out, we already know how the final page ends. There will be no shocks. No surprises. No assholes ripping the brains out of skulls and holding them up as if they came from Mila Kunnis's snatch. It just sets the stage for the Original Five X-men to return to the present. Their reason for doing so is simple. Cyclops won't listen to anyone who doesn't have DDD cup breasts and isn't named Emma Frost. So maybe he'll listen to his younger self. It's not groundbreaking, nor is it mindblowing. But fuck, it's still awesome.

It still leaves a number of unanswered questions. Like why the fuck does Beast think Cyclops is going to cause mass genocide? Does he do it from prison or does he bust out and decide the world is shit for not embracing the chance at a worldwide utopia? Or is this just another case of Beast and everyone else in the Marvel universe thinking that Cyclops is a douche-bag for trying to actually make the world a better place with his powers. It's hard to tell and chances are it'll give me plenty of things to rant about after a night of heavy drinking. I'm looking forward to it and I hope rest of my fine readers are as well! Nuff said!

All New X-men #1 Cover - The Original Five are Back and PISSED

I know it's been a while since I posted something on the upcoming Marvel NOW! relaunch and/or ranted about it, but this is something I just had to post while I was sober. We already know that Marvel finally got the word that Hell froze over and are bringing Jean Grey back in some capacity in the 616 universe. Granted, it involves fucking time travel, but it still beats the hell out of some shitty replacement character who shall go unnamed. Brian Michael Bendis is shifting his focus away from the Avengers and taking on the X-men. He's already sounded more giddy than pervert in a panty factory so for that I salute him. But yesterday, we got out first actual teaser of All New X-men in the form of a cover. It's the first time Jean Grey has appeared on a cover without it being a complete ruse. I feel like this shit deserves a parade or something, but I'm content to just use it as another excuse to get drunk. You can never have too many of those!

It looks awesome and nostalgic in a way that doesn't make me yearn for the days when you could take a piss on a dumpster without it going on youtube and when cocaine wasn't so damn expensive. But moreover, the O5 look PISSED! I can already read the reactions. Beast says, "I'm a fucking cat?!" Angel says, "I'm a fucking hippie with amnesia?!" Scott says, "I'm a raging emo douche-bag that marries clones and forms kill squads?!" Jean Grey says, "I'm fucking dead?!" Bobby says, "I banged Mystique and might actually have a chance at banging Kitty Pryde?! Actually...I'm pretty good." Okay, so maybe Iceman needs a little work. I'm sure Bendis will get to that, but overall the Original Five are going to have a lot to be angry about. I've got some imported vodka on the way and plan on getting especially plastered for this issue! Stay tuned for more details as the booze wears off and the teasers keep coming. Nuff said!

Jean Grey Update: It's Officially Another Ruse (Bullshit Time Travel)

Well for one brief moment in time, Jean Grey fans all over the world were filled with hope and jubilation at the prospects of their favorite red haired, green eyed Phoenix wielder NOT named Hope fucking Summers returning to the pages of X-men. But like prospect for peace in the Middle East, that jubilation was short lived. Less than 12 hours after Marvel dropped this teaser to EW, it was already reported by someone on the CBR message boards that Jean Grey is NOT coming back. That image was just a teaser at another time travel story that involves the Original Five of the past coming to the future to see how fucked up they've become. That's it. It's just X-men First to Last II as I mentioned. Here's a full clip of the image Marvel so carefully cropped.

So once again, Marvel shows Jean Grey fans why they should NEVER get their hopes up. For me, I'm not a die-hard Jean Grey fan. But I still feel like this is a massive dick move. If it's just another bullshit time travel story, why pitch Jean Grey's imagery to stir up a reaction? There's dick moves, there's really big dick moves, and then there are the kind of dick moves that only German fetish porn will entertain. Time travel is right up there with clones and making some new character look just like her (aka Hope Summers). Now I loved X-men First To Last, but when that was pitched it didn't put Jean Grey front and center to hint that she was coming back. This is just another bait and switch. It's the reason why car salesmen are on the same level of annoyance as Jehova's Witnesses. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think people like being deceived. We generally consider that a shitty way to sell us something. So once again, Marvel finds a way to upset Jean Grey fans and go to exceedingly fucked up lengths to keep her dead while using her imagery. They cloned her. They made a character look just like her. They brought in her daughter from another dimension. Now they're using time travel. That's the fucking trifecta right there and one that should dissuade anyone from ever taking a teaser by Marvel comics seriously again. Nuff said!

The Return of Jean Grey or Just Another Tease?

I normally don't blog when Marvel gives fans their weekly enema of teasers. I especially try to avoid blogging about teasers that have been blatantly overused in the past to the point where they're more worn out than Ozzy Osborn's liver. But this is one teaser that's hit comic fans like rocket powered dildo up the ass. It's triggered confusion, dread, elation, relief, indifference, and drinking. Okay, that last one can really be caused by anything, but you get the idea. This time shit is serious. Marvel finally appears to have done it. They've dropped the J-bomb. By that I mean Jean Grey. Once again, they're teasing her return courtesy of an article in Entertainment Weekly of all places.

Comic Con: Jean Grey Returning? EXCLUSIVE PREVIEW

It doesn't appear to be photoshopped or hacked from Joe Quesada's Iphone. The story was also picked up by CBR, Newsarama, and Bleeding Cool. The conspiracy theory in me wants to say they're in on the ruse along with the Illuminati, but this clearly cropped picture is the first time Marvel has been this overt about Jean Grey. The exact text of the article is equally compelling.

This week, Entertainment Weekly‘s Comic-Con issue will prepare you for the geek event of the year with an in-depth look at a whole host of movies and TV shows. But what’s Comic-Con without comic books? (Nothing but “-Con.” Look at that lonely hyphen!) That’s why EW is excited to reveal an exclusive first look at an upcoming initiative by Marvel Comics that will build off the current Avengers vs. X-Men crossover and radically alter the Marvel Universe as you know it. For now, we just want to tease you with a first look at an exclusive piece of art by Marvel CEO Joe Quesada.


To answer your questions: Yes, this is Jean Grey — as in, the Jean Grey who’s been absent from Marvel Comics ever since dying for a second time back in the mid-’00s. And yes, she is modeling her vintage blue-and-yellow X-Men outfit from her Marvel Girl days. Does this mean that the fan-favorite character is finally returning? We can only confirm that her presence in the Marvel Universe will not be imaginary. This will not be part of the Ultimate line-up. She will not be a zombie hologram, like Shard on X-Factor. What could this all mean? Check back tomorrow, when all the secrets will be revealed. (Or some of them, anyhow.)

Could they finally have sobered up? Does this mean I'll have to find something else to rant about on this blog? Comic Con is in two weeks and I'll probably be passed out in a brothel in Tijuana for most of the time, but this may be were fans get their first insight into the post Avengers vs. X-men world. Marvel has a history of hyping up the aftermath of an event almost as much as the event itself. It usually all boils down to the tagline, "Everything will change." No shit! Everything changes with each fucking issue in a comic book series, but there's change and then there's cock-smashingly huge change. This may be the latter.

While I want to get my hopes up, the sober part of my brain tells me this could be another bait and switch not unlike a transvestite prostitute that claims he/she will offer you a discount. This could be just another plug for a new X-men First Class series or an X-men First to Last event (which was pretty fucking awesome mind you) where Jean Grey really doesn't come back. It's just another one of those untold stories of the past before Jean Grey became that red haired, green eyed, Phoenix wielder that Marvel loves to fuck with. We won't know until the guys at Marvel stop laughing their ass off at the reactions on the message boards and provide more info. I'll eagerly be waiting when I'm not drunk, but for all you Jean Grey fans out there I would like to offer you one painful reminder.

Nuff said!

X-women #1 - Hot, Sexy, European Awesome

A while back I reviewed a comic called X-Campus, a Marvel descended title that was published only in Europe and obviously so because it had a style that was clearly not that of a typical writer/artist wolfing down New York style pizza while watching Jets games. European comics have always been distinct in their style. If you put one up next to an American comic, it is possible to tell the difference (especially if it involves naked women). On that note, X-Campus wasn't the only European X-book to make it's way to the stands across the pond. Another book written by comic legend Chris Claremont was released back in 2005 with art by Milo Manara, a man who clearly has the European touch in his pen. Only this wasn't some kiddie high school drama. It was a full blown European style sexy piece of work called X-women.

It stars the likes of Kitty Pryde (pre-bullet of course), Storm (pre-marriage), Psylocke (just returned to the pages of Uncanny), Rachel Grey (before being shot into space and forgotten about), Rogue (pre-Legacy) and Emma Frost (basically no difference there). The story is an untold tale of a little holiday these ladies took that turned into a sexy little adventure full of lesbian undertones, violent action, potential rape, and some elements of bondage. So yeah, this is definitely not a product of American puritanical bullshit. And wouldn't you know it? A story about six hot X-women written without American sensibilities turns out to be fucking awesome.

The first few pages jump right into the action. The X-women are fighting a battle in God's pissing hole, Madripoor. Kitty, Storm, Psylocke, and Rogue are going A-team on an entire army that for whatever reason wants to kill them. So overall, it's basically just another day at the office for the X-men (or women since no male X-characters even appear in this book).


Chris Claremont does his classic inner monologue style by throwing all these narration boxes on every panel. Yeah, it's old school, but in a one-shot book that's more appropriate. Granted, he still goes a bit overboard with it. But at the very least he sets the stage for what the X-women are doing and why they're doing it. The task at hand is simple. Rachel has been kidnapped by this strange people who happen to have an army on the payroll. Storm, Psylocke, and Rogue are taking care of the heavy hitting while Kitty Pryde sneaks in to save her Jean-lite (aka Rachel).


As usual, it doesn't exactly plan out. If they were the A-Team there would be no "I love it when a plan comes together moment." In fact Rachel, who is wearing something that is probably illegal in several states in the US, turns on Kitty with a little telepathic attack and she's forced to flee with the rest of her teammates. That plan involves Kitty latching onto Storm in a way that has all sorts of lesbian tones, but there's still a lot more action going on here (of a non-sexual nature unfortunately) and we get a glimpse of the villain behind this shit and wouldn't you know it? She's a woman too? A woman who looks like a pre-Morrison Emma Frost mixed with Baroness from GI-Joe. She shows now sisterly love and sends the X-women packing with another non-sexual bang.


The X-women are essentially blown across the island and fall into the tropical wilderness of Madripoor. It's the kind of survival scene that makes Lost fans break down and cry like babies. This scene isn't glossed over either. It's nicely drawn out and displays the struggles of the characters as they fight their way out of the river, something most American comics would probably handle on one page with a few lightly detailed moments. It's another example of that distinct European style and it helps add a very sister-like feel (again, still non-sexual).


While the X-ladies take a moment to recover, the book goes on a little bit of a flashback to show how they got into this mess to begin with. It started off as a simple vacation with the X-women riding around on jet skies wearing thongs that would make Pat Roberson's head explode. It's a fun scene and a little more European tastes are thrown in when Kitty phases through a cruise ship and passed a couple of men in bed (yes, this time it's sexual). That kind of shit would never make it past the censors in America and it's shame too because the scene is hilarious and awesome.


Cut to a night of partying where the girls are all dressed to impress and looking like a scene right out of a photoshoot from the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Betsy and Rogue are dancing, Storm is singing, Kitty is making amends with the two guys she caught in bed earlier, and Rachel is making her dead mother proud by getting into trouble.


Rachel seems to follow in Jean's footsteps in all the wrong ways, going after a guy that she really should leave in the dog pound. But she does it anyways and pays the price. It's enough to make Jean roll over in her White Hot Room channeled grave. The guy paralyzes Rachel and sets off a bomb that blows the villa they were partying in straight up Mephisto's ass. They survive only by the grace of Betsy's telekinetic talents and are now stuck on a raft in the middle of the sea. So much for the party, eh?


End the flashback and return to the present time. The X-women are picked up from the river on a boat and they're left to make sense of what just happened. Kitty says she's got some telepathic imprints from Rachel, but her head is killing her worse than 100 hangovers so she can't work enough brain cells to figure it out. Whatever the pain, Kitty claims to see what Rachel is seeing and what she's seeing is pretty fucked up. She isn't the only one who got abducted. She's strapped to a chair next to Emma Frost...yeah, that Emma Frost. So that's two powerful telepaths that they now have to rescue and it's pretty clear that the Baroness behind this has a pussy boner for psychics in all the wrong, non-sexual ways. She wants to use them to start a war that she, a Baroness, can profit from. It's brilliant, but disappointingly not-hot. You get two hot telepaths tied up and that's all you can come up with? For shame.


They're ready to get back to their rescue operation, but the boat they're on gets attacked by a new threat. Not only that, their powers are down. This is Madripoor, remember? Shit like that happens at least one a week. If that weren't enough this is where the comic takes a turn of fucked-upedness that you would expect in a Japanese comic, but not a European comic. The X-women are abducted by these so-called "Cargo-Cultists" who worship crashed planes as if they were gods. Granted, that's a long ways away from being the most fucked up religion in the world, but they don't take kindly to the X-women and throw a little European style bondage into the mix.


Now if you're expecting a European style orgy to break out, sorry to disappoint but that doesn't happen. If it does, it's not on panel so readers are stuck using their dirty imaginations (as if they don't have plenty to spare). The girls are basically put to work by the Cargo Cult and used as assorted eye-candy. Again, there are probably far more extreme things these guys could do. They could go all Jabba the Hut and dress them up in metal bikinis. But that would be too much of a distraction I suppose because there are still other plots unfolding. However, they do take the time to have an attempted rape scene between Storm and the cult leader. Again, this is something no censor with fear of the FCC would ever allow. But this is European, remember? The only sticks up their asses are the ones that vibrate. But feminazis need not worry. Storm does teach the guy that no means no and he seems to get the message.

While this erotic undertone is unfolding, Rachel and Emma are still at the mercy of Baroness and they're using stolen Cerebra technology to further their plan. It's delightfully tame in some ways, but it's a nice way to remind the readers that this isn't a porno comic. It's X-men where the characters only look like porn stars.


The X-women haven't even gotten around to planning how they're going to escape from this Cargo Cult and save their friends. They're kind of at the mercy of these guys and have to convince them to help and showing their tits isn't going to be enough. The incentive does come though, but in the form of a bunch of attacking soldiers. So the action picks right back up and now the X-women have to defend their captors that include an attempted rapist. How's that for awkward?


They pull off more bad-ass hot women fighting, which as one would expect is more than enough to convince the men of the Cargo Cult to help. At that point they would probably agree to lick the nail polish from their toes for the rest of their lives. So the cult leader gets one of their planes (which they worship if you recall) to fly up and attempt second attack on Baroness. This time they know what they're up against and are ready to finish the job. They won't need anybody with a penis to help them either, which only adds to the awesome.


When they land, more fighting ensues. This time the Baroness, who is probably the women who wears the least attractive attire, is cornered. Rogue and Storm do the heavy hitting while Psylocke and Kitty Pryde fight their way towards Rachel and Emma. It goes south quickly for Baroness, who proves that female criminals can be just as stupid as male criminals (see, there is some feminists messages after all). Also like any cowardly bad guy with or without boobs she tries to make a break for it.


Yes, she uses an escape pod. What did you expect? A rocket powered dildo? Just because this is European doesn't mean every device has to double as a sex toy. Although the Baroness probably would have been smarter to try something a bit more novel because she not only doesn't get away, Kitty Pryde phases her right out of her escape tunnel and she's retrieved by a very angry Storm. What's her response? Of course Storm shows the mercy of any goddess and by mercy I mean she freezes her where she stands. Iceman is officially emasculated.


Also, Emma Frost finally makes her presence known. Even though it's only minor, considering she's so dominant in other X-books it's really not that big a deal. She's already got plenty of exposure and she just needs a few panels to strut her stuff, which includes breaking a nail while she vents her frustrations on the bitch that abducted her. Of course she complains about it. She's Emma Frost. She cares more about her appearance than Paris Hilton and Lady Gaga combined.

So evil is defeated. Baroness is turned over to the authorities. What else is there left to do? Do they just accept that their little vacation is ruined? Fuck no! The X-women don't give in that easily! They pull themselves together, put on their hottest outfits, and go back to partying! That's how real heroes show their strength, regardless of whether or not they have boobs. Although boobs always help.


So that's it. This extra sized one-shot featuring only the hot women of the X-universe comes to an end and a damn good one at that. After reading an issue like this it should make readers wonder "Why the fuck wasn't this brought to the states sooner?! What else are they keeping from us?!" Chris Claremont has always been great at writing strong female characters and this really shows that he hasn't lost his touch even after all these years. It's by far one of his best pieces yet and Milo Manara's art perfectly compliments his style.

Now granted there are some shortcomings. Claremont's excessive narration is still an issue, but it actually does work a little better in a comic that's only a one-shot. Also, some moments like the scene with Storm and the cult leader were kind of pushing it. But overall, there's a lot to love about this comic. It's visually stunning and it's also a compelling story. It's enough to make you think who needs the men in this series anyways? You've got plenty of awesome with six hot mutant women!

Overall, X-women #1 deserves a strong 5 out of 5. It's a true gift from our friends across the Atlantic and Chris Claremont shows he can still dish out the awesome. It's by far one of the best X-comics to come out during this period of gloom, doom, and marketing deception. It's a bunch of beautiful X-women written with quality art and a quality writer. What more do you need? Nuff said!