All-New X-men #3: Nuff Said!

Every election cycle in America proves that it doesn't take much to generate a cult of personality. These days, a Twitter feed and a few viral videos is all it takes to turn someone into a bonified cult leader who can convince people that they can get into Heaven by sucking their dick. I like to think Cyclops did more than just fail an audition for American Idol to become this renegade mutant martyr that inspired his own gang.

Marvel declared him off-panel to be the most hated mutant on the planet. Even if it required a few truckloads of bullshit, this is the situation the O5 X-men find themselves in with All-New X-men. And All-New X-men #3 is supposed to mark the point where they convince O5 Cyclops to stop bitching about his older self and remember that he still grows up to be the guy who bangs Jean Grey and Emma Frost. I'm skeptical he'll ever take solace in that, but I'll try to remember that over the course of this review.

First, O5 Cyclops has to convince his shitty cult followers that they’re being fucking retarded. Seriously, do they not watch CSI? Do they not understand that holding police hostage never turns out well? Apparently, they don’t watch TV and haven’t learned of this thing called the internet yet. Because that’s what they did to break one of their followers out of jail. And O5 Cyclops kindly points out why it’s a dumb fucking idea.

They didn’t believe him at first because why believe a time-displaced Cyclops? They just came to get their friend. Taking police hostage was just a bonus, like breaking a window at a frat house party. Then, they try to leave and see that there’s a fuckton of police outside waiting for them. And that’s way more convincing than anything a time-displaced Cyclops says.

It makes for a humorous situation, but one that’s still volatile. It doesn’t involve a Sentinel or a clone monster from Sinister. It involves a bunch of mutant kids trying to flex their mutant nuts and being very bad at it. While the details are messy, it still has an undeniable charm. It reminds us that some dumb ass teenagers need to learn their lessons the hard way.

So now they’re trapped. And remember, they’re a bunch of teenagers wearing shitty bandanas. They’re not Hans Gruber or a Mexican drug cartel. They’re teenagers. That means they start arguing with each other instead of focusing on a solution. It means they’re looking to get out of the consequences of their actions instead of facing them. That’s not part of being a mutant. That’s being a fucking teenager and this time, O5 Cyclops doesn’t even bother pointing out how retarded that is. They’re just proving it to themselves and they’re doing way too good a job of it.

Eventually, O5 Cyclops does try to speak up. He does try to convince them that they’re not just digging their own grave. They’re shitting in their own coffin. Their response is completely unsurprising for a teenager. One of them lashes out and tells O5 Cyclops to shut the fuck up. It’s exactly as mature as it sounds. It further adds to the comedy of errors for these wannabe gangsters. They’re more fake than an Orange County rap group. That’s what gives them a unique charm on some levels. But they’re still douche-bags on plenty others.

These wannabe gangsters don’t seem to realize that the police are getting ready to storm the building and give them the Pablo Escobar treatment. They know they’re not dealing with Hans Gruber so they’re content to go Police Academy on their asses. That’s when the rest of the All-New X-men finally intervene. That means putting up a huge ice shell to keep the police from getting too LAPD with their policies. They manage to not get shot at so I guess that’s a win in and of itself.

It’s probably their most impressive win anyways. Once they get inside, it’s not like the Ghosts of Cyclops can put up much of a fight. These aren’t Magneto’s Brotherhood of Mutants. They’re not Sinister’s marauders either. They’re a bunch of teenage mutants who thought it would be a good idea to start their own gang and take cops hostages. Even for time-displaced X-men, this more of a training exercise than a fight.

This doesn’t stop Mark Bagley from adding some extra spectacle to the battle. His artwork really shines. It adds an appropriate amount of flash and flare, especially with Iceman and Idie. It makes watching the Ghosts of Cyclops getting their asses kicked more satisfying. One of them even decides not to fight and just watches rather than fight. She’s probably the smartest of the bunch.

Eventually, the police finally catch up and try to contain the situation. To their credit, they don’t get too trigger happy. They understand they’re not in the LAPD. The All-New X-men cooperate as good citizens should. However, the Ghosts of Cyclops are a bit more defiant. It’s another act of immature teenagers who don’t understand that getting arrested early in life is only cool when James Dean does it. For the rest of us, it really fucks up the later parts of our lives. It’s a hard lesson that many learn the hard way, sometimes with bullet wounds. It once again affirms that the Ghosts of Cyclops aren’t even as tough as their shitty bandannas.

But before bullets start flying, O5 Cyclops decides to step in and mitigate the situation before this becomes the inspiration for a rap album. He gives a heartfelt speech to the police and the Ghosts of Cyclops, one that only a handful of teenagers can make with a straight face. Sure, he spends half of it bashing his older self and it’s nothing that hasn’t been said by other X-men before. But he’s still a teenager so it still hits the right dramatic chords.

The problem with this speech is the same as the problem with Storm’s speech in Extraordinary X-men #5. So much of it is built around the premise that Cyclops did something so horrible and so terrible that 10 angels die every time someone says his name out loud. But we have no idea what the fuck that horrible something is so we have basis for taking this shit seriously. We’re left to assume Marvel just wants to one-up Brett Ratner. And that seriously limits the weight and impact of this speech.

The speech was still good enough to get the O5 X-men off the hook. O5 Cyclops got to join up with his friends while the Ghosts of Cyclops will likely get the Scared Straight treatment. That’s probably the best they could’ve hoped for in a situation that involved police hostages. Hell, that’s way better than anyone can hope for in real life where situations involving police hostages are usually solved with sharp-shooters.

There is a nice moment with O5 Cyclops and O5 Beast. O5 Cyclops basically thanks everyone for preventing him from going full emo. It effectively affirms his place in this new team. But again, the impact here is kind of limited because before Secret Wars, O5 Cyclops saw this guy trying to steal his future wife. Now they’ve just shrugged that shit off? Given how his future self turned out, I refuse to believe that that Beast could be that reasonable.

So the O5 X-men leave, knowing they’re not welcome within 500 miles of that police station for the foreseeable future. But O5 Cyclops’ little speech went viral, a concept he probably still associates with chicken pox. As a result, others see that there’s another young, untainted Cyclops running around. And Toad, the Brotherhood of Mutants’ de-facto whipping boy, sees this. Is he a threat to a team that has a kid Apocalypse on it? Probably not, but even he is an upgrade over the Ghosts of Cyclops at this point.

So...is it awesome?

Short answer, it tries to be. Long answer, it partially succeeds while still tripping over itself like other X-books have after Secret Wars. O5 Cyclops tries to come off as impassioned and determined to escape his future self. However, he just comes off as another whiney teenager. All New X-men #3 suffers from the same problem as Extraordinary X-men #5. Too much egregious shit happened off-panel so we have no context for O5 Cyclops’ conflicts. Absent that conflict, he’s just another whiney little shit.

At the very least, this issue succeeds in a few additional ways. It emphasizes the friendship between the team, something that often gets lost with the Cyclops-bashing. It also shows that the Ghosts of Cyclops are more colorful and entertaining than any killer robot or clone monster. Like the O5 X-men, they’re a bunch of confused teenagers who are still trying to figure out why the fuck they’re doing what they’re doing. That’s not an exclusively mutant conflict. That’s fucking high school and that does count for something.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Extraordinary X-men #5: Nuff Said!

There are some people you just can't really feel sorry for. Is anybody really going to have much sympathy for Gweneth Paltrow when she whines about her private jet being late? Other than those who can afford private jets, hell no! We're going to see that as an indirect kick in the nuts. For that same reason, it's hard for some fans to sympathize with Cyclops.

Let's face it. This is a guy is basically the Hugh Hefner of mutants. He's banged both Jean Grey and Emma Frost. He's pwned Wolverine more times than a bar tab. And he's led the entire mutant race back from the brink of destruction on more than one occasion. So when he gets fucked over off-panel in Extraordinary X-men, there will be those who will jerk off to his misery. The problem is that even ardent Cyclops-haters have to admit screwing him over off-panel has made the story in Extraordinary X-men more chaotic than a meth-fueled gangbang at Ron Jeremy's house. Now, Marvel looks to add the last bit of lube in screwing Cyclops over completely in Extraordinary X-men #5. And it's my job to show whether Cyclops haters will have either semi or a raging boner.

The first part of that job involves taking care of the obvious. Remember that shocking ending in the previous issue that apparently showed Cyclops returning as one of Sinister’s experiments? Well somebody kick Peter Parker in the balls because it’s a fucking clone. And it’s not just because O5 Jean scanned his mind. It says so in the fucking intro. So there’s no ambiguity here. This thing is just another clone and since it’s not nearly as sexy as Madelyne Pryor, the X-men’s first instinct is to kill it. If only Spider-Man’s instincts were that sharp.

A standard Power Rangers style monster battle ensues. It’s really not much different from a Sentinel battle. There’s lasers, destruction, and people yelling “JEAN!” Hamberto Ramos’ art is solid, but it really doesn’t add much to it. They’re fighting a monster. There’s no drama. No emotion. It’s as basic as mid-80s porn.

And part of that basic setup involves the X-men protecting civilians while fighting this the Cyclops/clone/monster. It might be overlooked and belabored in a Superman movie, but it’s how the X-men have always done business. They try to protect those who would otherwise use them as target practice. It’s what makes them who they are. Again, this shit is standard and there’s nothing that really makes it stand out.

So what about the asshole that created this monster? Well, Sinister did get his head chopped off so that should end it right? Fuck no. This is Sinister. Cutting his head off is no more inconvenient than popping a zit. He just picks himself up (literally), puts himself in a new body, and prepares to fight back. The problem is the guy he’s fighting is Colossus. And Sinister also hurt his sister. On top of that, this Colossus is packing a manly new beard. So yeah, this is going to be a lot more inconvenient for Sinister than he thought.

The X-men are still trying to channel their Cyclops-hate into this monster. They’re also still trying to protect the civilians so they don’t have another reason to bring back internment camps. Iceman is among those doing rescue and as luck would have it, one of the civilians he rescues is an Inhuman. The same Inhumans who are responsible for fucking over the entire mutant race and without the aid of Dr. Doom.

It’s another fitting, but basic moment for the X-men. They will help those who hate them. They’re able to discern humans and Inhumans from those responsible for the atrocities against them. That alone disqualifies them from joining the Republican Party. But again, this is what the X-men do. Unless it involves Cyclops, they’re willing to exercise basic human decency.

That decency doesn’t extend to a Cyclops clone monster though. The X-men do have their limits and Old Man Logan tends to spit on those limits. Never one to pass up a chance to stab Cyclops, he manages to recover from a heavy shot he took earlier and deliver at least part of the killing blow. He may be old, but I’m pretty sure he had to hide a boner here. Not only was he stabbing Cyclops, but a version of Jean Grey was present. I don’t care how old and impotent he is. That’s going to bring out the best in Logan, old man or otherwise.

However, gutting the Cyclops clone monster didn’t solve the problem as easily as Old Man Logan hoped. It just turned him into a ticking time bomb. Knowing mutants can’t afford another incident that blows up in their face, O5 Jean and Storm finish the job by turning it into a late New Years fireworks show. Colossus and Magik do their part too by cutting Sinister’s head off…again. It might not be the most epic conclusion to the battle, but it checks all the necessary boxes. That seems to be the standard now. Let everyone else in the Marvel universe grow and evolve. Let’s keep the X-men stuck in fucking 2005.

Sinister is dead(ish). The Cyclops clone monster is dead/exploded. The X-men can finally catch their breath and clean up as best they can. That includes rescuing Nightcrawler, who got the ball rolling on this shit storm when he got himself captured. He still sounds like someone who took one too many hits of LSD, but he still sounds more sane than a standard Comcast customer service rep so I’m guessing he’ll be fine. His incessant need to quote bible passages like a stoned version of Jimmy Sawaggert is just one of the many unanswered questions. I guess that’s some shit that all happened off-panel.

The last step in any successful X-men operation is making sure the public doesn’t see this as mutants choking live puppies. It’s another lesson that Spider-Man could definitely use in addition to the X-men’s handling of clones. Storm, with help from Iceman, gets on a stage and delivers a speech to the news cameras. She basically says Cyclops is horrible, the X-men are back, and they’re not going to take this shit anymore. There’s nothing she says that other X-men haven’t said on multiple occasions with much better rhetoric. But it gets the point across.

That point, however, would probably feel less bland if it wasn’t built entirely around some shit that happened with Cyclops off-panel. This is still, by far, the greatest weakness in this series and in most other X-books since the relaunch. We still have no fucking clue what Cyclops did, but everyone in the Marvel universe, including his own friends, act like he bathes in a pool of dead kittens and jerks off on their corpses. The fact it took a basic incident like this for them to be fucking X-men again just makes it seem forced and petty. And in this age of affluenza, we don’t need more of that shit.

So Storm delivers her speech. It turns out everyone can rally around Cyclops hatred. Even SHIELD offers to help. Sure, they’re still stuck having their school in Limbo, but they’re back to being X-men. And both O5 Jean and Old Man Logan opt to stick around. It’s not all that surprising. O5 Jean convinced Old Man Logan to come with her to X-Haven to fight demons and Cyclops monsters. It sure as hell wouldn’t take much to get him to stick around with the X-men. It’s Old Man Logan’s only weakness besides bar tabs. Cute redheads with puppy-dog eyes get him every time. In terms of weaknesses, it’s much more understandable than kryptonite.

So...is it awesome?

In short, only in the absolute most basic possible way. Extraordinary X-men #5 does the absolute minimum for a coherent X-men story. The team comes together, fights a monster threatening the people who hate them, and they succeed. They also manage to slightly improve their standing and all they had to do was fight another giant monster. That’s par for the course for the X-men. Hell, that’s basically every Tuesday. They succeeded in this most basic of challenges, but not a fraction more.

This arc is anything but complete and only marginally satisfying. Like a half-eaten Big Mac that has been sitting in the fridge for a week, it only delivers the most basic level of taste. Again, the blatant and unrelenting Cyclops-bashing really undermines the story here. So much of this shit was set up off-panel and the only hints we got was whining not seen since Star Wars fans first saw Jar Jar. This issue isn’t bad. This series as a whole isn’t bad. It’s just frustrating, incomplete, contrived, and petty as fuck. But it still does all the classic X-men shit we know and love and that might be the best we can hope for at this point.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Secret Wars #9: Nuff Said!

We don't like to admit it, but some things are actually worth the agonizing wait. Star Wars fans recently figured that out in the best possible way. The big difference with Secret Wars is that nobody is going to get shot over spoilers and Disney accountants won't be able to build castles of money from the sales. Due to all the bullshit delays that Secret Wars has endured, its ending can only have an impact comparable to prostate exam from a skilled, big-boobed nurse. If done right, it can be pretty awesome. If not, then the shit that comes out isn't going to be pretty. But even though it's several months overdue, I'm committed to reviewing Secret Wars #9 to determine whether the wait was worth it. If you're a Star Wars fan, I might suggest lowering the bar just a little.

Quick question, how do you fight a god-powered Dr. Doom? It sounds like a trick question, like how do you do the amount of blow Keith Richards does on a Saturday and survive. But it does have an answer. You use a fucking Infinity Gauntlet. That’s what Black Panther is packing and finally, it gives Doom a challenge. He can’t snap his neck like Cyclops or burn his ass to a crisp like Dr. Strange. He has to actually get off his ass and do something. I’m sure that’s a novel concept for any god.

Namor gets in on the action as well, throwing in a few punches. But seeing as how he gets his fucking head cut off after this in Squadron Supreme, it’s kind of bittersweet. At least he can die saying he banged Emma Frost and fought a god-powered Dr. Doom. A man who dies with that on his resume can die with some pride. That’s for damn sure.

But you don’t just need an Infinity Gauntlet to fuck with Dr. Doom’s perfect world. You just need to get into the head of the hot blonde he made his wife. Reed finally gets to confront Sue, who still believes Dr. Doom is her husband. She’s now insanely skeptical. To her credit, she doesn’t laugh or bust Reed’s balls with a ratchet. I tried telling a woman that I’m from a world where she wasn’t married to such a douche-bag. I got a kick in the balls and a face full of cheap beer. So no, it’s not an effective pick-up line.

Reed, being the super-genius he is, finds a way to make it work. He doesn’t immediately get Sue to call a heavenly divorce lawyer or anything. He just convinces her that this shit they call Battleworld ain’t right and he can fix that. The fact he says it with a manly fucking beard probably gives Sue enough reason to hear him out. And Reed’s balls are probably thankful.

With his balls intact, he ventures into the fucked up realm where Dr. Doom is keeping Molecule Man, also known as the source of Doom’s godly power. It’s not a pleasant place to be and Ultimate Reed doesn’t help. They come with the intention of ending Doom’s power. Ultimate Reed uses it as an opportunity for the Ultimate Universe to do one last dick move.

How fucked up is it that in a story where Dr. Doom has god-like power, Ultimate Reed is the biggest douche? It’s a testament to both his assholery and the shitty effect the Ultimate Universe has on characters. He thinks he can end his counterpart, take Molecule Man’s power for himself, and spread Ultimate Marvel’s shit to the omniverse. Molecule Man says, “Fuck that!” and turns him into a bunch of meat slices. It’s as satisfying as it sounds. It couldn’t be more satisfying if he turned his piss into vodka.

All this tampering with the source of Doom’s power is sure to get noticed at some point. It’s here where Dr. Doom realizes that as nice as god-like power is, sometimes god-like awareness is more useful. He finds out the hard way that Black Panther was just jerking him around and not in the fun way with the Infinity Gauntlet. He was just distracting him and it fucking worked. That’s right. He fucking outwitted a god-powered Doom. It’s not as impressive as Namor banging Emma Frost, but he’ll live after Secret Wars. He’ll have his chances to catch up.

After getting that cold glare from Sue, which only a hot blonde can deliver, Dr. Doom turns his godly capacity to get pissed off on Reed. And even the lawyers that work for Disney and Fox have to admit it. This is how Secret Wars had to culminate. And Molecule Man, sick of Dr. Doom’s shit, ensures this is an even fight. Dr. Doom can’t use his godly power to end it with the same ease as blocking an internet troll on Twitter. He has to do what most gods avoid doing and put some actual effort into confronting his failures. Somewhere out there, the ghost of Nietzsche is smiling.

This is the battle that everyone since Roger Corman has failed to put into a movie. It’s Reed Richards versus Dr. Doom, the Marvel equivalent of Foreman versus Ali. One is an egotistical dictator who thinks he can fix everything if only he had god like power. One is a super-genius who doesn’t need to be in order to point out how fucked up that idea is.

The clash here is epic, personal, and visceral. There’s no explosions. There’s no cute princess being held in chains. It’s just two men with decades of animosity, fighting in the most meaningful way that doesn’t involve a broken beer bottle. What makes it so satisfying is that in the end, even the god-powered Doom can’t deny it. Reed is still better than him. I don’t care how much godly power Doom has. That shit hurts him, but it makes fans like me squee like a John Oliver in a room full of kittens.

This final clash allows Molecule Man to deliver the final shot in this war, ending both Dr. Doom’s godly reign and Battleworld. He’s still the source of all the power. That means he can end this shit in ways that’ll make Michael Bay jizz his pants. In one big bang, he effectively ends Battleworld. It’s not like when Ultimate Marvel ended and it was more of a “good riddance, that shit was overdue” type feeling. This is more of a “whoa fuck, this deserve another beer!” type feeling. And for a series that has been subject to so many shitty delays, that’s saying something.

So Battleworld ends. That’s it, right? Marvel’s universe is over. They’re shutting down the comics and focusing only on movies, video games, and TV shows that rip off X-men, right? Unless you just came out of a 30-year coma, you have no excuse for being surprised when Black Panther wakes up in a new Marvel Universe. He had a fucking Infinity Gauntlet. Of course he survived.

When he wakes up, he arrives back in his home of Wakanda. The time period is unclear, but there’s no god-powered Dr. Doom in sight so something must have gone right. There’s no mud pit where Storm and Emma Frost are wrestling naked either, but nobody said it was perfect. He arrives just in time to see a vision for a new future for his people. For a guy who went toe-to-toe with Dr. Doom and survived, he’s earned it. I’m sure he still would’ve preferred that mud wrestling match between Storm and Emma, but what are you going to do?

Jump ahead another 8 months. Somewhere along the line, the entire mutant race got fucked over worse than anyone who invested in a Syrian time share scam. But also, some of the less shitty elements from Ultimate Marvel made it into this new universe. That includes, and is almost exclusive to, Miles Morales. He and Peter Parker can now rub elbows in a way that still pisses off racists on the internet, but just not as much. And since you never want to piss off racists too much, I’m going to call that a win.

But what the fuck exactly happened to create this new universe? Did Molecule Man always have the ability to just blow up Battleworld whenever he got bored with Dr. Doom’s shit? Could it really be that contrived? Given Marvel’s history, I certainly wouldn’t be shocked.

But praise Odin’s beard and Emma Frost’s tits! That’s not the case this time. We do get a pretty concise explanation for what happened, courtesy of Valeria Richards. Instead of using this power to make Dr. Doom a god-powered asshole, he channels it through Reed Richards to create entirely new universes from that power. He even is nice enough to heal Molecule Man in the process, something Dr. Doom never would’ve done unless it made Reed’s balls shrivel. They didn’t just fix the universe. They created new ones in the process. It’s like planting one seed and getting enough weed for 20 joints. It’s a beautiful thing.

It makes for a moment that’s actually happy and satisfying for the Richards family. Thanks to Josh Trank and a vendetta by Disney against anything they can’t exploit the fuck out of in their movies, the Fantastic Four haven’t had many. They’re a family again. They’re not dead. And unlike mutants, they haven’t been killed off, diseased, or sterilized. But they do have a new purpose now. Instead of just rubbing elbows with the Avengers and occasionally shitting all over the X-men, they’re just going to be a family and explore these new universes. Given all the ways they could’ve been screwed over by Secret Wars, this is the best thing they could’ve hoped for that didn’t involve puppies that shit chocolate.

But what about Dr. Doom? Did he get the divine screw-job he so rightly deserved? Nobody would shed a tear for his unholy ass if that happened. But those who picked up Invincible Iron Man already know this is not the case. In one last act that might have been an indirect middle finger from Reed, he heals Dr. Doom’s disfigured face. And he now wakes up in Latveria, looking far less menacing and much more fuckable. So in the end, everybody got a happy ending.

Except mutants. It still sucks to be a mutant, an X-man, or anything Bryan Singer and Brett Ratner have ever touched.

So...is it awesome?

Let me put it this way. That big-boobed nurse who gave that prostate exam I mentioned also had a nice ass. In another way, a simple fuck yes is appropriate. Star Wars fans might still scoff, but anyone who has endured the craptastic endings of Fear Itself and Avengers vs. X-men will take note. The delays, the tie-ins, and bullshit teasers that made the delays even worse became an afterthought in the end. And when you forget about that crap without the aid of a case of Jack Daniels, then that's how you know that Hickman and Ribic accomplished something here.

It's a classic clash, Dr. Doom and Reed Richards. At no point did it feel like Josh Trank and Tim Story were blowing each other behind the scenes. It's a culmination of a cosmic shit storm that might not have made all the shitty tie-ins better, but it made the end result pretty damn satisfying. The Marvel universe has been reborn and it doesn't feel like someone's grave got pissed on. Sure, the Ultimate universe died, but let's face it. That was a mercy killing at best. This new world may suck donkey balls for mutants, but the catalyst that created it in Secret Wars #9 is pretty damn awesome for all those involved.

Final Score: 10 out of 10

Marvel Trolls "Dead No More" Again

Let's face it. Death isn't just a revolving door at Marvel. It's basically the anti-TSA. They actively go out of their way to avoid achieving their stated goal. Death is basically the only vacation Marvel heroes ever get. Some get more than others. Some get it for way longer than they want. Just ask Jean Grey, Gwen Stacy, and Richard Rider. But it's never a matter of if Marvel will bring back a dead character. It's never even a matter if Marvel will kill a major character. It's when.

Enter their latest act of trolling and fuck if it doesn't work. Courtesy of CBR and Newsarama, Marvel has declared "Dead No More" with absolutely no context. The part where they basically have their fans by the hearts and the balls is basically implied.

CBR: Marvel Proclaims "Dead No More"

Naturally, this raises the question who will be kicking the grim reaper in the balls this time? It's not like there's any shortage of dead characters. Wolverine, Jean Grey, Cyclops, Richard Rider, half the Fantastic Four...that's a pretty stacked bullpen if ever there was one. And Marvel knows we gladly throw our money at resurrection stories. DC only reinforced that with Blackest Night. So who could it be?

Wolverine? No, too soon. Plus, we've got Old Man Logan and X-23 running around in new roles.

Jean Grey? Tempting, but also too soon. Marvel is having way too much fun with her hormonal, immature teenage self. And Sophie Turner's role in X-men Apocalypse will only reinforce this sentiment.

Richard Rider? And fuck up the added diversity that Sam Alexander brings to the table? Fuck no, they're not going to do that.

The Fantastic Four? Pretty sure Marvel would rather wait until people forget about Josh Trank.

So here's my insanely drunken prediction. It'll be Doc Ock. Yeah, remember him? The asshole that took over Peter Parker's body and did a much better job being Spider-Man than Peter could ever hope? There's no way he'll stay dead. At some point, he has to come back and rub that shit in Peter's face, take back what he built, and send Peter Parker back to square fucking one, as Marvel tends to do every few years or so.

But don't take my word for it. I'm a drunk. I know about as much as the guy claiming to be Jesus on a street corner. This is just my take. I'm usually wrong, but I'm not going to stop trying. Like Al Bundy, I never win, but I never quit either. Nuff said!

Twisted, Uncanny, Yet Intriguing: Uncanny X-men #1

The following is my review of Uncanny X-men #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Nobody outside the O.J. Simpson crowd will admit the justice system is perfect. In every part of the world in every point in history, there have been guilty parties that have gone free and innocent parties that have been convicted. It's a harsh reflection of mankind's imperfect nature. We can only ever create imperfect justice systems. However, there comes a point where the degree of that imperfect nature crosses that not-so-fine line from simply imperfect to overtly egregious.

This nature is the shaky foundation on which the X-men comics have been built since Secret Wars. It's not enough for mutants to just be a struggling minority anymore. They have to be the kind of minority that evokes terror not seen since the Salem Witch Trials.

To do this, that shaky foundation is stuffed with a few extra pounds of dynamite and mixed with napalm. Any progress the X-men might have made with Charles Xavier, Cyclops, or the Jean Grey Institute has been discarded like a half-eaten candy bar. The entire mutant race is now at a point where demon-infested dimension is considered a safe location for a school.

The team of X-men in Extraordinary X-men and All-New X-men still cling to the classic approach that Charles Xavier championed for decades. But in Uncanny X-men #1, Magneto puts together a team of X-men that opts for a less passive approach. There's only so much peace, love, and understanding that can be inspired when mutants are associated with plagues, death, and Brett Ratner movies.

Magneto understands that egregious circumstances require disconcerting actions and Uncanny X-men #1 shows that these actions can create a uniquely compelling narrative. The themes in this series are not going to be confused with those of Extraordinary X-men and All-New X-men. They're not going to be confused with anything written by Chris Claremont or drawn by Jim Lee either. These X-men are the Oakland Raiders of mutants, renegades who keep their goals simple and aren't above playing dirty. But like the Oakland Raiders since 2002, they're not exactly a championship team.

The team of X-men that Cullen Bunn assembles in this series are hardly boy scouts. They're the kind of crowd that would be barred from every gated community in Orange County. They don't carry themselves as heroes. In fact, they come off as downright villainous and not in the way Al Davis embraced. But when they get a chance to explain themselves, there's a sense of purpose. It won't win them a Nobel Peace prize anytime soon, but it does create intrigue.

This intrigue is built around an odd yet effective twist on the fundamental themes of X-men. As a metaphor for marginalized minorities, they inspire hope among those who feel oppressed and bullied. Well Magneto and his team of less-than-reputable mutants in Uncanny X-men are skipping the part where they inspire. He's basically grabbing mutants by the collar, slapping them a few times, and telling them to gut it out through these difficult times. Mutants survived Chuck Austin and Brett Ratner. They can survive this.

It's harsh, but it's reflective of the solemn state mutants find themselves in. They're being hunted like wounded cows in Ron Swanson's back yard, they've been sterilized by the Terrigen Mists, and they're being blamed for whatever off-panel antics Cyclops has done. So it's perfectly understandable that some would try to take the easy way out. In this case, that involves paying a company obscene amounts of money to put them in stasis until they wake up in a world where mutants are only spit on and not shot at. It sounds extreme, but it also sounds like one of Google's secret projects.

Understandable or not, Magneto and his team of renegade X-men basically drag these mutants kicking and screaming out of their despair. These are not the kinds of methods that Charles Xavier would condone, but he wouldn't outright condemn them either. Even a pacifist has to be willing to slap someone across the face every now and then when they get overly dire.

While the overall narrative in Uncanny X-men #1 is intriguing, some of the finer details are lacking. Cullen Bunn's characterization is pretty spot on, but the voices of each character come off as somewhat dry. The dialog is not very conversational and at times, it sounds like the characters are reading lines from a Roger Corman movie. And while Greg Land's art makes for detailed, gritty backgrounds, it doesn't convey much emotion beyond Monet flirting with Sabretooth.

There is still a sense of a larger story in Uncanny X-men #1. The company charging mutants obscene money to sleep through this latest extinction/sterilization plot isn't a wing of Google or Koch Industries for that matter. They're conveyed as a more subtle version of the Umbrella Corporation from the Resident Evil games and unlike Sentinels, they're not the kind of enemy that the X-men can confront in an overtly heroic manner.

This story and its larger themes help make the case that Magneto's team of disreputable X-men are uniquely qualified for these challenges. They may be harsh, but one of the mutants they confront in the story actually responds to their tough love methods. It helps show that there is merit to having a team of X-men that'll do more than just beat up on killer robots. It still won't win them any friends at Amnesty International, but it will give the mutant race a fighting chance.

Like the plot of a typical episode of CSI, the big picture is there, along with the violence and car crashes. It's the finer details that are lacking. Like the other X-men comics, Uncanny X-men #1 has to build a story on a shaky foundation. So many of these finer details transpire off-panel and it's difficult to make the story feel refined. But Cullen Bunn makes the most of the hand that he's been dealt. It isn't much, but it is enough to discourage anyone from inviting him to a poker tournament.

Final Score: 7 out of 10